Thursday 6 March 2014

Week 27 - Sorry Elkie

[An apology from the Editor

I would like to apologise profusely on behalf of The Grambler.  Last week’s article implied, no, actually stated, that Elkie Brooks had only one Hit record; Pearl’s a swinger or something.  As a reader pointed out, she had many hits.  Many of them quite big hits.  In fact it is fair to say she probably had the biggest hits of any female singers of that era.]

No no, surely Dolly Parton had the biggest….Oh, I see.  Sorry, ignore that.

It’s ironic isn’t it, that I write the biggest load of ill-informed rubbish about football and someone pulls me up on my knowledge of music.  Well, it proves one thing, doesn’t it.  Somebody out there actually reads this tosh.

Liked last Saturday’s big story about Newcastle manager Alan Pardew getting sent off (?) for head butting Hull player David Meyler.  That’s what our footballers need; a manager they can look up to (said with more than a little sarcasm).

Anyway on to this week’s gramble or should I say grumble.  It’s football based so please allow me to let off steam.  Gillette Soccer Saturday is a brilliant Saturday afternoon programme which is on while the football is being played.  There are rules in place which decide that no 3pm Saturday afternoon game can be transmitted live.  Thus, in GSS we have 4 ex footballers of varying broadcasting skills facing the camera while they watch a game each.  Throughout the programme they describe what is happening in the game they are watching.  Anchorman Jeff Stelling effortlessly gives stats and updates etc. cutting to the excitable describers whenever something interesting happens in their particular match.  It shouldn’t work.  It is a TV programme about football which doesn’t show any football!  It just shouldn’t make any sense because it is basically a radio programme on the telly.  However, it does work and is a terrific way to spend a Saturday afternoon if you are not actually at a match.  Strangely, Radio Scotland try the same thing with ‘Open All Mikes’ on a medium where it ought to work, but doesn’t.  Maybe, you need the visual element of Phil Thompson almost tearing his hair out in frustration to make it really work.

My favourite ex footballer moment was when Gordon McQueen was describing a missed goal opportunity and talking as if he was with his mates back in Kilbirnie – ‘Aaaagh!  He should definately huv scored.  He’s went intae the box!  He should of turned!  He never!’  For those of you not from Scotland, I have deliberately spelled ‘definitely’ that way.  It is a Scottish trait to pronounce the word ‘definately’ with emphasis on the ‘a’ as in ‘ate’.

You are probably thinking, this isn’t much of a rant.  Not yet, it isn’t.  I mentioned those ex footballers and their varying degrees of broadcasting ability; well one ex footballer employed by Sky is, in my opinion, really not up to the job.  I haven’t seen him on the GSS programme, but he is on for the big Champions’ League games.  Indeed, Sky must think very highly of his skills as a tactician because they let him play with the smart board at the end of the games.  Who is it?  Jamie Carragher, that’s who.  My problem with him is not his skill as a pundit; I’m sure he is very knowledgeable.  It is his skill as a talker which I take exception to.  He is a Liverpudlian; a Scouser and he has been allowed to pund, or whatever pundits do, without any noticeable voice coaching.  He comes from Bootle or, as he would have it, Byootle.  Nothing wrong with coming from Liverpyool; it’s just that his accent is pretty much impenetrable; it is very, very Scouse.  You know the style – the word lock is pronounced the same way as loch.  Key becomes chey; chicken is chichen.  I am sure you get the picture. He also talks very, very quickly.  You haven’t got a hope in hell of deciphering what he says because he just talks too damned fast.  It is a pity it is always a live show he is on, because subtitling, which would normally be a help, just wouldn’t be able to keep up with him.  When he is spouting forth all I can hear is ‘Da da da free kich da da da in de wall da da di da di da da chlose da da da di da goal cheeper.’  Or some such.  I have nothing against the guy.  He actually seems to understand the game well judging by the other pundits’ reactions.  Or are they just nodding in agreement because they can’t understand a word he’s saying either?  Sky Sports; I have two words for you – speesh terapiss.


Jim Callagher?  Wasn’t he that Prime Minister bloke from off of the government?  He took over from Richard Wilson.  Ooh, this was an long time ago.  Long before David Macaroon.  Before Golden Brown and Lionel Blair.  Even before Ivan Major and Margaret Hatchet.  You remember?  The 70s.  First it was Ted Heath and his band, then Wilkins, then Jim Calor gas.  Oh yes, I can remember the 70s?  Infellatio running at 25%, miners’ strikes, major’s strikes.  Everyone went on strike at the drop of an whatsit.  Three day weeks, power cuts.  I remember that summer when the bins didn’t get emptied for weeks on end.  It was an hot summer too.  Stunk to high heaven.  And the bins smelt and all.  Talking of rubbish, the music of the time wasn’t up to much either.  It was all glamourpuss rock with blokes in big boots wearing lipstick and marscara.  Not the boots.  I mean the men.  British Leylines on strike all the time.  What was that strike leader bloke?  Red Yobbo.  Him.  And the cars were rubbish anyway – Austin All-aggro was one.  I had one of them.  Never blibbing started.  The AA man was out all the time.  He was out at that car so often I got a invite to their Christmas do.  Who could forget the 70s?  I can’t.  Happy days.

Shall we move on?

You can for me.

Thank you. 
How did The Grambler do this week?  I’m afraid it’s a case of ‘normal service is resumed’; Only one result went our way.  This week, I think I will just give the results and not bother with a match report.  Is that okay with you?  I mean, just say if it’s not.

Game 1 – Everton vs West Ham – Prediction Home win

Result – Everton 1 West Ham 0 Good

Game 2 – Burnley vs Derby County – Prediction Draw

Result – Burnley 2 Derby County 0 Bad

Game 3 – Crawley vs Peterborough – Prediction Away win

Result – Crawley 1 Peterborough 0 Badder

Game 4 – Tranmere vs Oldham – Prediction Home win

Result – Tranmere 2 Oldham 2 More Badder

Game 5 – Fleetwood vs Wimbledon – Prediction Home win

Result – Fleetwood 0 Wimbledon 0 More Badder Still

Rubbish, eh?


All right.  Let’s get on with this week’s predictions.  Only 47 games taking place this Saturday, the 8th of March at 3pm.  Only a couple in both the English and Scottish Premierships.  The reason for this is that FA Cup and Scottish Cup games are taking place.  That, and the usual matches being played at different times to suit the great paymaster (in the) Sky.

So, what has The Grambler randomly chosen for us?


Game – Result – Odds


Blackpool vs Bournemouth – Draw – 23/10

For our first game The Grambler takes us to Bloomfield Road where the Seasiders play host to some other seasiders; only these are called the Cherries.  Blackpool is a pretty shabby, decrepit place these days and that also goes for their football team.  The last time Blackpool actually won a game (last November!) they were 4th in the table; they are now in 19th place just 8 points away from the relegation zone.  Caretaker manager Barry Ferguson is not doing a very good job of caretaking.  Bournemouth aren’t much better, sitting only 3 places higher in the table, but they have at least managed a win or two lately.  Indeed, they trounced Doncaster Rovers 5-0 last weekend.  That was at home though.  Away from home their record isn’t too hot.  In the last meeting between the two teams in September, Blackpool took the points in a 1-0 win.  The Grambler has this as a draw which, on the face of it, would seem a reasonable bet.  Although, it would be just our luck if Blackpool choose this game to start winning again.

Leeds United vs Bolton Wanderers – Draw – 11/5

For our second game of the day we head east to Elland Road where United take on the Trotters.  For this game, The Grambler reckons another draw.  Not sure about that.  Leeds haven’t won in three and Bolton haven’t lost in the same period.  They had a good win last weekend when they beat Blackburn 4-0.  What about recent head to heads?  How do they compare?  They have only met three times in the past couple of years and Leeds have won two and drawn one.  Hmm.  Difficult one to call.  Maybe a fence-sitting draw isn’t such a daft prediction.

Gillingham vs Crawley Town – Away win – 13/8

For the middle game of this weeks random selection we head to the Priestfield Stadium where the Gills play host to the Creepies…sorry…the Reds.  The Grambler reckons this will be a win for Crawley.  Given that Crawley haven’t been beaten since November, that might be a good call.  Gillingham are less consistent and can win one week and follow that up with a 3-0 drubbing.  Past head to heads seem to back up The Grambler’s prediction; the teams have met four times over the past couple of years with Crawley winning 3 and losing 1.  Yeah.  Come on the Creepies…Reds!

Accrington Stanley vs Chesterfield – Away win – 17/20

For the 4th of our games we head to Crown Ground where the Stanley (Yay!) play host to the Spireites.  The Grambler reckons that…Nooooo!  You can’t bet against the Stanley.  The team with the best name of any team in any league anywhere.  How can you do this to us Grambler?  Yes, The Grambler has actually suggested that a team can beat the sainted Stanley.  Just because Chesterfield are top of the table and Stanley are in 22nd place you think you can bet against them.  I am shocked at you. I really am.

Dunfermline Athletic vs Stenhousemuir – Home win – 8/15

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther we head north of the border to End End Park where the Pars play host to Stenny.  The Grambler reckons that Dunfermline will take all the points here.  Yes, they are in second spot and Stenny are in 5th.  That doesn’t sound much of a gap, but remember it’s a league of only 10 teams and there is a gap of 20 points between the 2 teams.  That isn’t the end of the story.  Oh no.  Stenny are unbeaten in 7.  Doesn’t sound as if Dunfermline will have a walkover here.


That's it grambler fans everywhere.  I say that because we have readers all over the world.  In fact, we are a bit of a cult.  I said cult.  Five predictions have been made and the bet has been placed.  So, if all our 11 bets pay out (That’s 10 doubles and 1 accumulator) the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of…

Danny Boy…that’s an nice tune.



Do you think this will be the week?

Not an blibbing chance.


Hey, guess what.  Grambler shirts are available again!  Woo hoo!  Not only that.  You can buy stickers too.  Wowee!  How do I get a super Grambler shirt or sticker or both?  Simply go to and buy today.  All profits will go directly to the Bobby Moore Fund for bowel cancer research.


Talking of films [Wha? – Ed] here’s an honest poster.



Happy grambling.

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