Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Story Time
Have you noticed how expensive insurance is these days? Do you know why that is? [People claiming more than they should? - Ed.] No. The answer is the insurance companies. [Obviously. They are charging too much. You’ve answered your own question. Imbecile. - Ed.] No no no. They are throwing too much money at claimants. [Er... What? - Ed.] Yes. Do you want to know why I have come to this conclusion? Pull up a chair and I’ll tell ee...
A couple of years back Mrs G fancied a new kitchen. As we weren’t planning on moving house, I told her that it wasn’t really possible, seeing as the kitchen was in integral part of the building. After threatening to hit her idiot husband over the head with a Mary Berry cookbook, she explained that what she meant by new kitchen was stripping out the kitchen and having it redecorated and refurnished with all-new, fully-integrated, units.
So, our 65 year-old house was treated to a kitchen makeover. It had been upgraded before, twenty odd years ago, so why, you may be wondering, did I mention the age of the building? The stop cock... stop sniggering at the back... had been in the house since it was built; 63 years before. It still worked, but at some point, it had lost its handle. The only way to operate it was to use a pair of Mole grips (adjustable pliers for any of you wondering why anyone would want to grip a mole). When the house was first built, units weren’t integrated behind cupboard doors. [And? - Ed.] And, the stop co... water isolation tap was easily accessed if the water supply into the house had to be shut off for any reason, but that was no longer the case.
When integrated units were put in at the last makeover, the tap was anything but accessible. It was hidden away in a particularly inaccessible cupboard under the built-in sink unit. How did you get near this tap? Firstly, the cupboard space under the sink had to be emptied (my job). The next step was to remove a shelf under the sink (definitely not my job). This, in itself, was promblematic as only half of the shelf was actually visible, because the rest of it was hidden by the side of the washing machine which was in its own integrated space at a right angle to the sink unit.
Anyway, after quite a bit of huffing and puffing from whoever was attempting the removal (not me), the shelf would be out. Yay!
No, not quite yay, after removing that (sweary word) shelf, the person performing this task, had to remove a panel to access the stop cock... don’t start again. This panel was virtually inaccessible as the person (not me) had to try and get the top half of their body into the void to remove it. Because of its location, being left-handed would have been advantageous.
What a palaver! Mrs G and I agreed that when the old kitchen units got ripped out, the stop thingy should be moved to somewhere more reachable. And so, two years ago, a new tap was fitted and, though it is still under the sink, it is at least within easy reach for anyone to turn off and on. Even me.
That is the back story, I will now relate more recent events.
Last week, I noticed that the kitchen floor was wet. I thought that I'd perhaps spilled water while I was washing the dishes, so simply mopped it up.
The next time I went into the kitchen and, stone me, the wet patch was there again. Mop mop, moppety mop.
Next time I went in, same thing. It also appeared to be spreading. Something not right, I thought. The wet patch was near the sink, so I removed the panel below the cupboard and noted, with some despair, that there was water dripping from the stop cock... Yes, I’ve said it again. It’s not that funny. Actually, it wasn’t the stop cock itself that was causing the problem, but the nut which attaches it to the pipe; it had split. Yes, there was a steady drip. In fact, it seemed more like a steady flow rather than just a drip. I placed a tub under it to collect the water. Within minutes, the tub was nearly full. Uh oh.
I turned the stop co... isolation valve to its shut position and, luckily, the dripping stopped. Phew. Unfortunately, the house now had no water and no heating. Time to phone the insurance company; I needed a plumber to sort this.
Now, like most insurance policies, it covered me for this very eventuality. Should there be a leak, the policy stated, the company would organise for an emergency plumber to deal with the problem. How fortuitous.
I telephoned the number which was shown on my insurance policy.
The first voice I heard was a recorded message advising me to go online to seek help. Excuse me, I have a water
leak; I need a plumber. Pronto. Instead of going online, I hung on and was given some options of how to get through to ‘one of our advisors’.
I selected one of the options and heard the same voice telling me to go online to seek help. Grrr. As before, I hung on and was given a list of options to select.
I chose a different option and, guess what, I got through to a real live person. Huzzah!
I gave the lady my policy number, my full name, the first line of my address and my postcode and then got round to describing the problem. The lady informed me that I was through to the wrong department. Dash it, I thought. (well, something to that effect) Hers was a department dealing with repairs to property. Oh. She could, however, transfer my call to the correct department. Oh good. Before doing so, she gave me a job number to quote and suggested that I got back to her if there was any damage resulting from the leak.
What a nice lady, I thought.
Anyway, I then heard a ring tone as I was being transferred. This was followed by, not a voice telling me to go online, but music.
I said earlier that I was fortunate that I was able to turn the water off because, so far, I had been on the phone for 15 minutes. What would the kitchen have been like if I hadn't managed to turn it off. I'm guessing wellington boots might have been the best option.
After listening to this music for, thankfully, only a short time, I heard a voice... a real, live voice. I gave my details... again... and told the gentleman on the phone what the problem was and that I needed an emergency plumber.
No problem, said the voice on the phone line, a plumber would be out as soon as possible... between 10am and 2pm the next day.
That, to me, did not constitute an emergency plumber and I told him so. I was told that, in the event of such an emergency, a plumber would be despatched within 24 hours and that the time allocated was within 24 hours. Yes it was, but only just.
I told him I wasn't happy. 'I'm not happy.'
'Do you wish to register a complaint?'
'No. I want a plumber to come and fix this leak. Now.'
'I'm sorry, that's not possible.'
'What? There are plumbers advertising on Facebook and other social media sites promising immediate action.'
'Not our plumbers.'
'So what if I had not been able to turn the water off and it was gushing out all over the kitchen?'
'We'd put you up in a hotel.'
'What (insert interrobang here to indicate my incredulity) You'd rather have my house wrecked and put myself and my wife up in a hotel for god knows how long while the house dries out costing thousands and thousands of pounds, than pay a plumber a couple of hundred quid to fix a leak pronto?'
'Yes.'
'That's ridiculous!'
'Do you wish to register a complaint?'
'No. I've told you I want a plumber. I have no water or heating. It's not a big job. Just get me a plumber.'
'That isn't possible... but we could put you up in a hotel.'
This guy was obviously doing everything by the book. Logic didn't enter into his head. 'Is there anyone else I could speak to?'
'I could ask my manager to phone you.'
'Do that please.'
'She will phone you within the hour.'
'Thank you.' End of phone call.
I waited for the manager to call me. And waited. And waited. Three hours passed before I received the phone call promised within an hour.
I gave her the job number, the policy number, name, rank and serial number before she would discuss the matter...
'I sympathise, of course I do. However, your policy does state that we would guarantee to get a plumber to you within 24 hours and we are within that time frame.'
'Yes you are, but it is now more than four hours since I phoned you to report a leak. My house could be flooded out by now. What would have been done if that were to be the case?'
'We would have put you up in a hotel.'
'Luckily, it isn’t flooded, but I am in a cold house on what looks to be the coldest night of the year, with no water. All I want is a plumber.'
'I'm sorry. So do you want us to put you up in a hotel?'
'Jeez! Look, it's ten o'clock at night and your only solution to this problem is to make us
go to a hotel! You'd rather spend money on a hotel than on a plumber! What kind of mental attitude is that? I chose this insurance policy to get emergency cover and I demand emergency cover! Now! Not some time tomorrow!
Can't you people get that into your thick skulls?!'
Actually, I didn't say that. I said, 'Okay. Thanks for your help.' But I did say it through gritted teeth.
So there you have it. It is not us customers that are forcing the price of insurance up, it is the insurance companies, themselves.
Perhaps I should tell you about my neighbour's experience with his house insurance.
He had a new central heating system put in just over two years ago. The boiler was in his attic; the coldest part of the house. When there was a heavy frost, water in the pipes must have frozen and a joint burst. Either that, or the system just hadn’t been fitted properly. Unfortunately, he didn't see the resulting leak until it was soaking his living room carpet. A lot of damage had been done, obviously.
His insurer put him up in a hotel for a while, before transferring him to a flat until his house was repaired. The flat, he later told me, was really luxurious and he wondered how much that cost his insurance company.
How long did the repair take? A full year. Yep. He was out of his house for over a year until it was dried out and repairs effected.
Perhaps our own experience doesn’t quite match up but, if the water had been gushing out of that leaky joint under the sink, how much damage would have been caused before a plumber came to fix it? How long would we have been out of the house while it was dried out and the kitchen fixed? I dread to think of the cost.
I can’t finish on such a downer, so I thought an insurance story might make you smile. It concerns a motoring incident. The car driver claiming for an insurance payout had been too close to a lorry when it shed its load of potatoes. The damage wasn’t so severe, he wrote, a broken windscreen and quite a few chips in the paintwork. Well, it made me smile.
By the way, I forgot to tell you, the plumber arrived just after ten the next day as promised and had it fixed within the hour.
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Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 30th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
Jonathan Swift 1667 - Writer. He was made Dean of St. Patrick’s Cathedral, Dublin and and was known as ‘Dean Swift’. Factoid : His, arguably, most famous work, Gulliver’s Travels was originally published under the pseudonym Lemuel Gulliver.
Ho Fook 1863 - Merchant. Actually, I’d never heard of him; my schoolboy sense of humour to the fore, I just like his name.
Winston Churchill 1874 - Politician.
Arthur Baynes 1892 - Teacher and comedian. He was one of the first comedians to broadcast on the BBC radio station. He used stage names such as Oscillating Oscar or his more famous monicker, Stainless Stephen. Here’s a clip of him singing a song called Motoring History. Rather dated.
Charles Hawtrey 1914 - Actor. Appeared in 23 ‘Carry On’ films.
Michael Gwynne 1916 - Actor. Lord Melbury in Fawlty Towers.
Sydney Lotterby 1926 - TV producer and director. Think of any BBC sitcoms of the 1960s through to the 2000s and chances are, he was the director or producer.
Arthur Hopcraft 1932 - Scriptwriter. He adapted Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy for TV.
Tom Simpson 1937 - Bike racey bloke. The Lance Armstrong of his day.
Ridley Scott 1937 - Film producer and director.
Frank Ifield 1937 - Singer who made a career out of yodeling. He had four number ones in the early sixties. Let’s have one of them. Here’s The Wayward Wind.
Jenny Tomasin 1938 - Actress. Ruby in Upstairs Downstairs.
Leo Lyons 1943 - Musician. Most notably known as the bassist for Ten Years After. How about another clip? Here’s Love Like a Man.
George Graham 1944 - Fitba guy.
Roger Glover 1945 - Cerddor. That is your actual Welsh. Famous as the bassist with Deep Purple and Rainbow. Let’s have another clip. Here’s Queen of England.
Mary Millington 1946 - Erm... ‘actress’.
Mark Wing-Davey 1948 - Actor and director. Zaphod Beeblebrox in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the radio and TV versions.
William Broad aka Billy Idol 1955 - Musician. Time for another clip. Here are Generation X with Your Generation.
Andy Gray 1955 - Fitba guy.
Lorraine Kelly 1959 - TV presenter and national treasure.
Gary Lineker 1960 - Crisp-munching footy bloke.
John Bishop 1966 - Comedian.
Desiree Weekes aka Des’ree 1968 - Singer. Another clip? Here’s her best-performing single, Life
Stirling Gallacher 1970 - Actress. Dr. Georgina Woodson in Doctors.
Sanjeev Kohli 1971 - Comedian, writer and actor. Navid in Still Game.
Dean Lennox Kelly 1975 - Actor. Kev Ball in Shameless.
Richard Bacon 1975 - TV and radio presenter.
Mark Corcoron 1980 - Fitba guy.
Tony Bellew 1982 - Boxery bloke.
Alan Hutton 1984 - Fitba guy.
Dougie Poynter 1987 - Musician. He is a member of McFly. Would you like a clip? I thought not. Well, you’re getting one anyway. Here’s Love is on the Radio.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Grambly Idol,
I find it interesting that the link to one of your songs was to a minor chart success you had with your band Generation X, when you had so much more success in your solo career. Tell me, what was your most successful single?
Yours yellingly,
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Gramble time...
How did our last bet with Kordbales fare? We won... ish. Only two predictions were right so the amount won was a paltry 66 pees from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on
West Brom vs Norwich - Home win
Result - West Brom 2 Norwich 2
Ooh! ’It the bar!
Borja Sainz forced an early save from Baggies keeper Alex Palmer before the hosts took the lead.
Karlan Grant whipped the ball in after a short corner and Mason Holgate was on hand to backheel the ball into the goal.
But nine minutes later Norwich were level as Shane Duffy set Jack Stacey free down the right and his low cross was turned in by Emiliano Marcondes at the near post.
Moments after, Norwich could have been ahead as Sainz took advantage of a defensive error, but Palmer was there to save well, while a long-range Grant effort was deflected wide of the visitors' post soon after.
Mikey Johnston spurned an excellent chance for West Brom before the break when Tom Fellows' cross dropped to the winger, but he could only blaze over from seven yards.
A superb first half ended in frantic style as Torbjorn Heggem got the final touch on Sainz's strike after good inter-play with Marcondes, but two minutes later Josh Maja volleyed in Fellows' cross to make it 2-2.
Grant thought he had given West Brom the lead on the stroke of half-time but his powerful strike was ruled out for a handball in the build up following a Johnston effort.
Grant and Jayson Molumby went close for the hosts early in the second half while Grant narrowly headed a Fellows cross over soon after as the Baggies upped the tempo.
Palmer was again equal to Sainz when he broke through after an hour and Norwich's forward saw his long-range effort just go wide with nine minutes to go.
Canaries goalkeeper Angus Gunn, did well to save from Jed Wallace, while Onel Hernandez also went close for the visitors with a late effort.
Barnsley vs Wigan - Home win
Result - Barnsley 0 Wigan 1
Boo!
A first-half goal from Thelo Aasgaard was enough to give Wigan victory at Barnsley.
Aasgaard struck in the 42nd minute, heading past keeper Ben Killip from the centre of the area.
The hosts had an early chance from a third-minute free-kick, with Adam Phillips receiving the ball from Luca Connell on the edge of the area, only to aim his effort over the bar.
Three minutes later, the visitors had their own opportunity to take the lead, when Silko Thomas rifled a close-range shot wide of the target.
Barnsley went close once more when Davis Keillor-Dunn spotted goalkeeper Sam Tickle off his line.
The forward promptly squared from the right flank into the area for Stephen Humphrys but the keeper recovered to save.
Connell put an effort wide, as did Roberts as the home side failed to draw level.
Mansfield vs Bristol Rovers - Home win
Result - Mansfield 0 Bristol Rovers 1
Boo!
The Stags wasted the only clear chance of a first half short on quality and chances.
After 28 minutes, Stephen Quinn crossed the ball in from the left, Keanu Baccus nodded it down and Will Evans met it with a rising shot that zipped over the crossbar.
But Rovers went ahead four minutes into the second half as Isaac Hutchinson got into the left of the box and picked out an unmarked Luke McCormick for an easy close-range finish at the far post.
Evans got a powerful shot on target after 66 minutes for the home side, but Josh Griffiths was there to make his first real save of the afternoon.
Evans then sliced another chance wide soon after as home frustration grew.
Hutchinson might have sealed the win – a minute from time on the break – but fired wide.
Stags then thought they had snatched a point in the seventh minute of added time, but Ben Waine had handled the ball just before George Maris drilled home.
Huddersfield vs Charlton - Home win
Result - Huddersfield 2 Charlton 1
Yay!
Matty Pearson put Huddersfield ahead, putting a difficult header in off the underside of the bar.
Pearson struck the bar again from another set-piece five minutes later, but this time it came back out.
Brodie Spencer's clumsy challenge on Rarmani Edmonds-Green gave Charlton a penalty that Matty Godden put away for 1-1.
But the Addicks were reduced to 10 men four minutes later, with Greg Docherty earning a straight red card for a high, late boot on Nigel Lonwijk.
The visitors nonetheless started the second half brightly before Huddersfield woke up around the hour and made their advantage count, with David Kasumu smashing home a left-footed drive from 18 yards.
Charlton tried to find a last-second equaliser from a quickly-taken free-kick, but Huddersfield goalkeeper Jacob Chapman showed brilliant awareness to race off his line and ensure victory with a clean challenge on Luke Berry.
Wrexham vs Exeter - Home win
Result - Wrexham 3 Exeter 0
Yay!
Max Cleworth headed home from an Elliot Lee corner after just seven minutes to give Wrexham a dream start.
And minutes after Lee had a goal disallowed, Ollie Palmer nodded Ryan Barnett's cross beyond Joe Whitworth to double the home side's lead.
Caleb Watts then had a goal disallowed for Exeter, and Ollie Rathbone met James McClean's corner to score Wrexham's third in the 72nd minute.
Oh well, not too good. Let’s see what The Grambler has come up with for this week’s predictions.
Game - Result - Odds
Nottingham Forr vs Ipswich - Home win - 8/11
Brentford vs Leicester - Home win - 13/20
Crystal Palace vs Newcastle - Away win - 5/4
Watford vs QPR - Home win - 17/20
Norwich vs Luton - Home win - Evens
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
£11.90
Hmm... whoppingish.
.....oooOooo.....
Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in 2001 in Irvine. A defensive midfielder, I began my senior career at Chelsea. During my time with them, I was loaned out to Norwich City before a permanent move to Brighton & Hove Albion. In August of this year, I moved to my current club, Napoli. I have been capped for Scotland 36 times.
Answer - Billy Gilmour
2. Who is the current captain of Fulham?
Answer - Tom Cairney
3. Who is the current manager of Brighton & Hove Albion?
Answer - Fabian Hürzeler
4. Rodri is the third Spaniard to win the Ballon d’Or, who were the others?
Answer - Alfredo Di Stéfano (1957 & 1959) and Luis Suárez (1960)
5. Which club plays its home games at Prenton Park?
Answer - Tranmere Rovers
Shall we have five for this week? Yes, why not.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Lyon in 1987. A striker, I began my senior career at Lyon, playing for Lyon II before playing in the first 11. I moved to Real Madrid and in 14 seasons played 439 games scoring 238 goals. I was capped 97 times. I won the Ballon d’Or in 2022.
2. Which English football club are known as The Exiles?
3. Who is the only manager to win the Champions League on five occasions?
4. Who is the current Crystal Palace captain?
5. Which club plays home games at Ochilview Park?
There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
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Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK
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Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s). Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. We have now smashed through the 80 thousand barrier. Yay! The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...
£81,473
…..oooOooo…..
And Finally...
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. J. Bishop, the well-known comedian. Did you know he used to be a semi-professional footballer? No? Neither did I. I only know him as a comedian from Liverpyool. With that in mind, let’s finish with a few of his quotes.
On being a footy fan...
Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.
On being a dad...
'It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian' I overheard a friend say. 'No' came my son’s reply. 'He’s a knob'.
On dealing with his teenage son...
To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.
On meeting his idol...
I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalglish and I would call him a friend - though his lawyer would call me a stalker. I don’t know why - just because I was in his garden!
On keeping fit...
There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway.
On Manchester...
I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights – not a bad average.
On performing in front of Ken Dodd...
It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star - ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’.
On friendship...
Everyone knows that when you've got friends, one of your friends is basically a dickhead. If you're thinking, None of my mates are a dickhead ... well...
On marriage...
My wife wanted a new fridge. And because I like sex, I said yeah.
On dealing with people...
Going to the dump used to be great, you would go to the dump and get rid of stuff - now you have to pass an exam. I turned up at the dump and there's a guy there in a yellow vest and a clipboard. He's done an NVQ in clipboard management.
Hope they made you smile.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
