Week 27 - Happy Grambleday to Dame Edna Everage

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

How about a song to begin?

 

Who remembers Jimmy Ruffin? Over 50 years ago he had his one and only hit; a song that is now recognised as a Motown classic...

 

‘As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
But happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion...
What becomes of the broken-hearted?’

 

‘Erm... Triple bypass?’

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

My local petrol station is currently running a promotion to encourage motorists to use their expensive super duper fuel. It costs 10 pees per litre more than the standard petrol but the claim is that your car will achieve more miles per tank full.

The carrot they dangle before you is a voucher that gives you 500 extra Nectar points whenever you use this posh fuel. Enough to buy a jar of honey.*
For those of you who have never heard of Nectar points, it is basically giving you back half a penny for every pound you spend. One point = half a pee. Woo! So, that voucher is worth £2.50. Now, on a 50 litre tank full costing over 60 quid, that doesn't seem such a great incentive. However, I have devised a way to make it really worthwhile... if you have got the nerve to do it... and a lot of time to spare.

Apparently, you only need to put in the minimum amount stipulated on the pump to get your voucher. You only get the voucher if you buy the standard petrol. So here is the way to make an easy tenner...

Drive to petrol station with the fuel tank as empty as possible. Put five litres of standard petrol (That's the minimum allowed) into the tank and go to the pay desk to pay for the fuel. As you are paying, a voucher is spewed out of the till. Then go back to the car and put in five litres of super duper fuel. Pay for the fuel and redeem the voucher. Then go back to the car and put in another five litres of standard fuel. Pay. Receive voucher. Back to car. Posh fuel, five litres. Pay. Redeem voucher...

Do you get the picture? Do this five times and you have received a cool 2500 nectar points worth £12.50. Yay!

Hang on, I hear you say, you said a tenner. Absolutely right. It costs an extra £2.50 for the posh petrol... 10 pees per litre more, remember.

Of course, such a scheme is not without flaws. However do you mean, I hear you ask. Well, if the petrol station is busy, there will probably be somebody behind you waiting to use the pump. They wouldn’t take too kindly to somebody taking about an hour to fill their fuel tank.

Did I have the brass neck to actually get my tenner’s worth of Nectar points? Would you chance the possibility that an irate driver might threaten to stick your head in the litter bin? Or offer to stick the fuel nozzle somewhere other than the car’s fuel filler? No? Nor me.

* Acknowledgment to Lee Mack for the honey gag.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 17th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Tommy Edwards 1922 (Who? He’s a singer. You may not know the name, but you might know this song.  All together now... Many a tear has to fall.), Ron Goodwin 1925 (Composer. Here’s something you should recognise Bally Jerry pranged his kite... etc.), Patricia Routledge 1929 (Ectress. Hyacinth Bucket.), Ruth Rendell 1930 (Orfer.), Alan Bates 1934 (Ectaw. ‘He’s not Jesus. He’s just a fella.’), Barry Humphries 1934 (Aka Dame Edna Everage.), Jim Brown 1936 (Murcan footy bloke and ectaw. Butch Meathook in Small Soldiers.), Gene Pitney 1940 (Singer/songwriter. Time for another clip? Here he is with his only number one ever number one which was shared with Marc Almond.  All together now...Something's gotten hold of my heart.), Julia McKenzie 1941 (Ectress. Hester Fields.), Brenda Fricker 1945 (Ectress. The first Irish actress to win a Noscar... for her left foot, apparently.), Rickey Medlocke 1950 (Musician. First came to prominence as drummer and backing vocalist with Lynyrd Skynyrd. Later became frontman with Blackfoot. Later still, he rejoined Skynyrd; this time as guitarist. Here he is on drums and backing vocals on Wun Mo Tahhm.), Angela Eagle 1961 (Politician. Not a real eagle.), Maria Eagle 1961 (Ditto. Did I tell you they were twins?), Lou Diamond Phillips 1962 (Ectaw. Played Richie Valens in La Bamba. Want a clip? Tough. He’s only an actor.), Michael Jordan 1963 (Basebally bloke.), Taylor Hawkins 1972 (A fighter of foo. A clip? Why not? Here’s Lemmy driving a white limo.), Rory Kinnear 1978 (Ectaw. Son of Roy. Friend of Count Arthur.), Paris Hilton 1981 (Clothes horse.), Ed Sheeran 1991 (Musician. Another clip, vicar? Here he is thinking out loud.) and Marc Marquez 1993 (Motorbike racey bloke.).

 

 

Da da da da... Da Da Daaaaa!!!



 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grappler,

Thank you so much for your clip of a Gene Pitney song. We are great fans and were trying to remember his hit song that was later recorded by the Partridge Family. Can you recall it?

Yours with fondness,

Lou King, Trudi Eislehoff.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Absolute rubbish. Not a penny back. What happened? Read on...

 

Bolton vs Fulham - Prediction Away win

Result - Bolton 1 Fulham 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The visitors had been leading for almost an hour after Matt ‘On’ Targett opened the scoring with his first ever league goal after just four minutes.

They could have doubled their advantage soon after when Rui Fonte was denied when one-on-one with Wanderers keeper Ben Alnwick.

Aboubakar Kamara had a chance to make it 2-0 after the break but he failed to turn in Stefan Johansen's cross from five yards, but the hosts were level soon afterwards as Adam Le Fondre volleyed past Marcus Bettinelli from the edge of the box.

 

Bristol City vs Sunderland - Prediction Home win

Result - Bristol 3 Sunderland 3

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Sunderland came from 3-0 down to rescue a point at promotion hopefuls Bristol City.

The Robins, who have won just once in 2018, were three goals ahead inside 37 minutes as the Black Cats capitulated.

Aden Flint poked City in front before two close-range finishes from Famara Diedhiou prompted some away fans to leave Ashton Gate early.

But, after Josh Brownhill's own goal and Aiden McGeady's strike, Marlon Pack diverted into his own net for 3-3.

It capped an amazing final 20 minutes for Sunderland, whose supporters had greeted the half-time whistle with boos and chants of "you're not fit to wear the shirt" towards their own players.

 

Derby vs Norwich - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby 1 Norwich 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

A Matej Vydra goal put the Rams ahead, the striker taking Ikechi Anya's pass and finding the far corner with a low shot.

The impressive Scott Carson kept Derby ahead at the break with a couple of fine stops, most notably to save Nelson Oliveira's spot-kick.

But the keeper could not repeat the feat to deny James Maddison from the spot.

 

Ipswich vs Burton Albion - Prediction Home win

Result - Ipswich 0 Burton 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The hosts failed to register a shot in a turgid first half, with neither keeper needing to make a save.

Former Ipswich striker Darren Bent could have broken the deadlock for the Brewers but saw his shot blocked by the legs of goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski.

Bialkowski was forced into another top save late on when he tipped Kyle McFadzean's near-post header over.

 

Middlesbrough vs Reading - Prediction Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 Reading 1

A half-hearted yay.

Adama Traore put the hosts ahead when he cut inside from the right and fired past Vito Mannone with his left foot.

Traore's powerful strike doubled the lead, but Chris Martin's shot pulled a goal back for Reading after the break.

Middlesbrough could have won by more, but Britt Assombalonga lifted a late penalty high and wide after Traore had been tripped by Dave Edwards.

 

Four ‘hit the bars’. How rubbish is that? Come on Grambler, you must try harder. What five games has he/she/it randomly predicted for this week?

Game - Result - Odds

QPR vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Doncaster vs Fleetwood - Prediction Home win - 21/20

MK Dons vs Charlton - Prediction Away win - 5/4

Scunthorpe vs Northampton - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Carlisle vs Chesterfield - Prediction Home win - 4/5

 

Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£13.56

 

Uh oh. Too whopping for my liking.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which club holds the record for the most Premier League goals scored in a season by a relegated club. The answer is Blackpool. When they were relegated in 2011, they scored 55 goals. Unfortunately, they also conceded 78 goals; more than any other Premiershit side that season.

What about a teaser for this week? Let’s stick with the English top flight. Many years earlier, when the First Division actually meant the first division, Blackpool were the worst performers when they conceded 125 goals. Why am I telling you this? The same year, a team recorded the highest number of goals ever scored in that division with 128 goals. And they didn’t even win the title! Can you name that team... without resorting to Googly?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to birthday celebrant Mr B. Humphries or should that be Dame E. Everage? It could even be Sir L. Patterson. To my mind, Barry Humphries is one of the greatest comedians ever. when he dresses as Edna Everage, it isn’t a drag act, he just is Dame Edna. There are probably people who watch ‘her’ and don’t realise it is a man they are watching.

He has a second character in Australia’s cultural attache, Sir Les Patterson. Where Dame Edna is refined, Sir Les is an oafish boor but, once again, Humphries just becomes the character. Oddly, the Ozzies are not too keen on this characterisation.  I wonder why. 

Let’s finish with a few quotes... you may be able to spot the ones attributable to Dame Edna.

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.

New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human.

I was born in Melbourne with a precious gift. Dame Nature stooped over my cot and gave me this gift. It was the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.

There is no more terrible fate for a comedian than to be taken seriously.

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.

Most of my contemporaries at school entered the World of Business, the logical destiny of bores.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

I'm trying to think of a word to describe your outfit ...affordable.

The best jokes are often only understood by one other person.

If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up.

My parents were very pleased that I was in the army. The fact that I hated it somehow pleased them even more.

This double chin was grafted on to me, in Brazil. It belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. It was her left love handle.

Andrew Lloyd Webber doesn't need necessarily to be on camera does he? I think the old phantom could have lent him a mask or two... No I'm teasing, and he'd know if he's watching, which I hope he isn't.

I'm not racist. I love all races, particularly white people. You know, I even like Roman Catholics.

I'm better than Judi Dench, much much better and I'm afraid taller!

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security Twilight home in Australia.

My show is like an intimate conversation between two friends, one of whom is a lot more interesting than the other.

Frankly, lesbianism leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Michael Bolton has had nine hits this year… on his website.

When asked what she had bought Prince William and Kate Middleton as a wedding present: ‘A George Foreman grill… There’s going to be some exertion on that honeymoon. They might need a snack in the middle of the night.’

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.