Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn
from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
His wish was that The Grambler
should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
Welcome to the Commonwealth Games
special. The Commonwealth is what we now
call those countries which were ‘colonised’ by Britain in the 18th
and 19th centuries and which still talk to us. If you aren’t too well up on your history,
Britain, well England really, used to send explorers (aka missionaries) to
far-off unspoilt lands and ‘claim’ them for the ‘Empire’. This claiming process included a bit of
genocide, a bit of abducting people for slave labour, stealing most of the
region’s resources and basically killing off any traces of the land’s culture
by forcing the people that were left to embrace our religion. I nearly forgot killing most of the region’s
wildlife to the verge of extinction in the name of ‘sport’. And they have the cheek to call the Commonwealth
Games the friendly games.
This week I have actually been
watching some TV. I do sometimes. Not very often, admittedly. Mrs Grambler does watch the odd soap. Me?
No, don’t watch much. I watched
something the other night about the greatest wonders of the Commonwealth. Commonwealth Games link there; do you
see? Do I have a Grambler grumble? You bet I do.
The programme was introduced by that horsey woman…what’s her
name?...Baldy, or something. Anyway,
she’s not the problem, yet. Each
‘wonder’ was presented by a different person.
Dan Snow was one, then some woman called Anita Rani. Next up was somebody called Reggie
Yates. Snow’s reaction to everything he
saw was ‘Wow’ or ‘Amazing’. Anita Rani
followed and continued the trend by using the ‘wow’ word a lot, often preceded
by the words ‘it’s like’, but steered clear of ‘amazing’, preferring instead
‘Awesome’. Reggie used ‘wow’ and
‘amazing’ as well. He also seems to have
a problem with the ‘th’ sound; or maybe I should say he has problems wiff the
‘th’ sound. However, my main gripe about
him is his preference to forego the use of consonants in the middle of
words. Thus, turtle becomes tu’ul; water
is wa’uh. Cre’in!
Next up was Denise Lewis. She shouts ‘Oh my goodness’ a lot. She too used ‘wow’ a lot, but she gave us the
worst faux pas so far (do you see what I did there?), in my book at least, and
that was her regular use of that horrid horrid statement ‘No way!’ Aargh.
Sadly, Dan Snow returned with
another item. More use of ‘wow’ although
one came out more like ‘Wawoo’. He also
started pronouncing words in a strange way.
Why did your say twenny four instead of twenty four? You are English are you not, Dan?
The final item of the programme
came from Fingal’s Cave on Staffa and was presented by Clare Baldy
herself. She does use the ‘wow’ word,
but less in wonderment, more as a replacement for ‘that’s quite
interesting’. So wow is said in quite a
flat, subdued way. But, do not fret dear
reader, Baldy has her own, personal annoying word; not amazing, not awesome,
but ‘incredible’. Sometimes it is
preceded by ‘just’, but she does use the word a lot.
It is all part of the ‘dumbing
down’ of the British Broadcorping Casteration; you wouldn’t have got away with
such sloppy presenting in the old days…
End now
over to Richard Dimbleby et Westminster Ebbey for the coronation of Queen Elizabeth the Second…
I am spea’ing to you from
Westminster Abbey and it’s like…wow!...just incredible! All the world’s leaders and royal’y are
here…and it’s like…wow!...awesome. The
young queen, Elizabeff, only twenny seven is…like…si’ing on the frone. Only twenny seven? And queen?
No way. The frone is…like… all
covered in fancy stuff and it’s…like…amazing.
Now this old bloke, the Archbishop of Can’erbury is pu’ing the crown on
her head…and it’s like…oh my goodness…awesome…etc. etc.
Did anyone watch the opening
ceremony of the Games? Didn’t it make
you proud to be Scottish? Answer: no it
didn’t. If you are like me, then it made
you cringe with embarrassment. Tongue in
cheek, the presenters called it. That
roughly translates as naff.
Let’s get somebody famous to do
the ceremony…no, let’s just get the woman off Chewin’ the Cud, or whatever it’s
called, to do it. Karen Dykebar, or
something. You know her. You do.
The le…the one with the nostrils.
Her. Oh and we need a famous
bloke too. John Barrowland. He’s
cheap. He’ll do. How should they tackle the opening? In the style of panto? Why not?
And so it was; the opening few
minutes of the ceremony gave us an embarassing song performed by these two
surrounded by a load of people who couldn’t dance. The song itself was basically five minutes of
giving an outline of Scotland’s greatness and wonderful hospitality in the most
cringe-inducing way possible. They could
have done it equally well by chanting the mantra ‘Aren’t we clever and we’re
friendly too’. If the organisers wanted
to produce such a dreadful opening ceremony, why didn’t they just have the
Krankies?
Now, I am going to have a little
moan about the Beeb Ceeb Beeb and its attitude to Scotland. Yes, I know I did that a few short weeks ago,
but the opening ceremony just emphasised my thoughts. It is a sporting event, so the presentation
from the Beeb was fronted by a sports presenter. Now, most sports are covered at these
games. One that isn’t, is the one
closest to The Grambler’s heart. I am
talking football, or maybe I’m just talking balls in general. No, rugby is here, albeit rugby sevens rather
than 13 players. Or is it 15? I know one is union and one is league, but I
don’t know which is which. Not
interested, I am sorry to say. But
football? Interested. It just isn’t one of the sports played at the
games. No football, so who does the Beeb
get to front the coverage of the games? Gary
Lineker; an ex-footballer! And, quite
frankly, he isn’t the best presenter in the world. Thankfully, Hazel Irvine, a much more capable
presenter, and Scottish to boot, is also on hand to give the eary one some
help. And, boy, does he need it!
During the opening ceremony
itself, Hazel was doing a fine job with the presentation, but she wasn’t
capable of carrying it alone according to the Beeb. Oh no.
Someone needed to be there to…what?
It didn’t need two presenters, one was adequate. However, another was there…Who do you
think? It was a sports tournament, so a
background in sport essential, you would think.
Who did we get? Huw bloody
Edwards! A newsreader, for goodness
sake! You might as well have had a
weatherman or that grinning physicist, Brian Cox. Huw added nothing to the presentation other
than to dampen Hazel’s enthusiasm with some sombre politics about each country
that was represented at the games. He is
like a school teacher. It’s a sporting
event, Huw, not a modern studies lesson.
Honestly, the guy is so dull. Why didn’t they give the gig to Richard
Gordon, a brilliant presenter of the Geoff Stelling, thinking on your feet,
variety? Huw Edwards indeed.
I do have another moan and it is also
in the ‘our Scotland correspondent’ category.
Leading up to the games, the Beeb Beeb Ceeb news has been doing a bit of
coverage. The games are being staged in
Glasgow and BBC Scotland have plenty of capable reporters who could cover the
games. Maybe somebody with a sporting
link? What does the Beeb do? Sends up an English person to cover it. Somebody sporting? No.
Sophie bloody Raworth! Another fn
newsreader. Not even a reporter as such,
just an autocue reader. Why? Why does the Beeb think that Scottish
presenters are not capable? They are
perfectly capable; a heck of a sight more so than Sophie Raworth.
Before I leave the topic of the
opening ceremony, what did you think of the costumes of the Scotland
squad? Admittedly, there were other
dreadful costumes on show, but who on earth thought that dressing the whole
squad in the Barr’s Irn Bru colours was a good idea? Definitely, the worst example of ‘style’ on
the night.
Let’s leave the Commonwealth
Games for the moment and find out if there are any birthdays of note this
week. Wow…that’s amazing…Rock royal’y no
less…Awesome. Ahem. Sorry, turning into Reggie Lewis-Rani there. However, the rock royalty mention is
reasonably accurate, because today, the 26th of July, it is the 71st
birthday of Sir Michael of Jagger (him off of the Rolling Stones). Mick, or Wiggy as I like to call him (see
Week 33 – Grambling old gracefully), is famous for his singing, songwriting,
womanising, drug-taking and of course his love of Mars Bars. With songwriting partner Keef Richards, he
gave us some of the most memorable and grammatically inane songs of the mid to
late 20th century. I can’t
get no satisfaction? Dearie me. I say mid to late 20th century but,
let’s face it, they haven’t given us anything memorable for well over 40
years. Mick and Keef were known as the
Glimmer Twins and also Nanker and Phelge; great name - very Dickensian. Anyway, there must be a good few songs in
their repetoire worth gramblerising. Little
Red Grambler? Have You Seen Your Mother
Baby, Grambling in the Shadow? No, I
think we’ll have this one…
Well, baby used to gramble all night long
She made me cry, she grambled me wrong
She grambled my eyes open, that's no lie
Grambles turn and now her turn to cry
She made me cry, she grambled me wrong
She grambled my eyes open, that's no lie
Grambles turn and now her turn to cry
Because I used to love her, but it's all gramble now
Because I used to love her, but it's all gramble now
Because I used to love her, but it's all gramble now
Nah…Not one of the best songs
to gramblerise. It’s quite difficult
with some of the Stones’ lyrics; they don’t lend themselves to
gramblerisation. Especially the
erm…parental guidance advisory ones. Star
Star, for example. Real title, in our
case, Star G***bler. And who can forget
the two-fingered song they presented to Decca as a parting shot? C**k G***bler Blues?
What about a bit of
footie? That’s Motherwell out of Europe . Beaten by Stjarnan…Who? Thought that was a Bowie Fir Park
Let’s move on to The
Grambler’s predictions, shall we? How
did last week’s bet get on? Oh
dear. For the first time since we
started doing the gee gee bet there was absolutely no return. Only one of the five won its race. Another was fourth and one was actually 7th
out of ten. How rubbish a prediction was
that? To be fair to The Grambler,
results went very much against the normal outcomes. When I began the horse betting, I had done a
little bit of research into racing results.
I concluded that betting on favourites was the best option because
invariably the favourite won. In my
research, the worst I encountered was a third of them winning on a given
day. More often around 50% were winners
and some days as many as 75% of the favourites were winners. Saturday, however, bucked…I said bucked…the
trend totally; in the 54 races that The Grambler had available for his/her/its
selection only 13 favourites won. Less
than a quarter. Is it any wonder that
only one of The Grambler’s predictions came up?
Never mind. Onwards and
upwards. What will this week’s
predictions give us?
But before that, it’s our
weekly feature…I never knew that.
Anteaters have incredibly
long tongues which they use to remove termites from mounds. The bushmen of Nyasaland (now Malawi) when
they first saw the length of this tongue realised its potential as a measuring
device, so they would mark the tongue at regular intervals and by placing it
across an article to be measured could gauge its size in relation to some other
object. After its tongue had been used
in this way, the anteater would simply recoil it into its mouth. Dr David Livingstone was so intrigued by this
animal/human co-operation, it was the first thing he told the American
journalist, Stanley Stanley USA Stanley
How about a real fact? David Livingstone named the country Nyasaland . Why did he choose this name? Well, the dominant feature of the area was a
huge lake and it was here that Dr Livingstone asked a local man the name of
this place. The man looked around him
and said Nyasa. Hence Nyasaland . Livingstone thought the lake
also deserved a name and called it Lake Nyasa . Top naming there, David.
It later transpired that the
locals’ name for a lake is nyasa, which is what the local man had thought
Livingstone was asking about. Thus,
Livingstone had actually named the body of water Lake Lake
While you have been busy
reading this history lesson, The Grambler has been busy coming up with
his/her/its predictions for this Saturday, the 26th of July’s horse
races. Once again we have gee gee only
bets this week. Boo! But the footy season will start soon. Yay!
So what has The Grambler selected?
Meeting – Time – Horse – Odds
Well, what can I say? One
of them looks like it might have a chance of winning; can you guess which? We will just have to wait and see. Any road up, if all bets – 10 x 20 pee
doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator – go as predicted by The Grambler the Bobby
Moore Fund for bowel cancer research will receive a staggering…
£27.38
Can’t see it happening somehow but, if it does… Let’s just say I
will seek out my tastiest hat.
What about last week’s
teaser, do I hear you ask? Of course I
don’t hear you. It’s just a way of
leading us into this weekly item. Last
week I asked you which British club has played in European competitions for the most years
consecutively. The answer is of
course…Glasgow Rangers. From the 1981-82
season onwards, Rangers played in European competitions for 31 years on the
trot.
How about this week’s question? This
one could well be a pub quiz type question –
Name three England captains who have played for Scunthorpe United. Answer next week.
I leave you with a helpful
guide to visitors coming to Glasgow
Happy grambling.
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