Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed
by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in
vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn
from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Similarly, if you haven’t heard
it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio
Scotland recently.
Stewart began writing The
Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of
recovery. He loved all aspects of
football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should
continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
What has caught my ire this week? Made up words that’s what. Not just street talk type words, but words
which somebody has made up and has somehow got accepted into the language. I blame Terry Wogan. I do.
He came up with combination words like the beginning of gigantic and the
ending of enormous to come up with the composite word ginormous. Other deejays…there’s another one; we say
deejay and it makes sense to anyone who speaks the English language and hasn’t
been hiding in a cupboard for the past 60-odd years, but it comes from the two
words disc and jockey. Why? Why should a man who plays records be called
a disc jockey? He only plays discs, he
doesn’t ride them… Where was I? Oh
yes. Other deejays are guilty of making
up these combined words. I think Tony
Blackburn might have been the first to mix popular and fantastic to come up
with poptastic. The sad thing is, they
do seem to creep into the language as if they are real words.
Making words up in this way is nothing new and this very
article is written as part of a blog, a new word formed from the words web and
log. Hang on a mo.
Shouldn’t it be called a wo….maybe not.
There are dozens of them. In
geography, we hear of the Benelux countries; a contraction of Belgium,
Netherlands and Luxemburg. I think
Netherbellux would sound so much better.
How many times have you been to the cinema (or cineplex from cinema and
complex, or even multiplex if it is a huge cinema complex) to watch a
biographical film? That’ll be a biopic,
then. TV is even worse for these
combinations – docudrama – a dramatised documentary, docusoap – a documentary
about…erm…soap, mockumentary – a programme with Ricky Gervais in it,
shockumentary – a documentary that will scare the sh** out of you.
Interbreeding of animals has
brought about a lot of strange combination words – geep - goat and sheep, liger
– lion and tiger, wholphin – whale and dolphin, zedonk – zebra and donkey.
Dog breeders are now breeding
mixtures of recognised (by the Kennel Club) breeds and forming some
unrecognised (by the Kennel Club) breeds - labradoodle - labrador and poodle,
chug (seriously) – chihauhau and pug, cockerpoo (again, seriously) – cocker
spaniel and poodle. There is even a mix
of shitzu and poodle called a shipoo.
What a shame; I so wanted that one to be called a shitpoo. Of course, such breeds were always around,
except that, in the past, they were called mongrels.
For years British drivers who like a bevvy have been asked to blow into a
breathalyser – See, breath and analyser.
Incidentally, you will be pleased to learn that the anal part of the
word has nothing to do with bottoms; it’s from Greek not Latin. Just as well, I can imagine some interesting
exchanges between Mr Plod and tipsy motorist…
‘Would you mind blowing into this analyser, sir?’
‘Analysher. Latin word I
ashume. Shertainly offisher.’
‘I meant with your mouth, sir.’
If said motorist were to drive to France he or she might want to travel
through the chunnel, which is a tunnel between the UK and mainland Europe. It’s a tunnel under the channel…Can’t think
why it’s called chunnel. Once abroad
they might try speaking a language that is neither English nor French, but a
combination of the two – Franglais (from Francais and Anglais which is your
actual French).
Now, I have recently spotted a combination word which
someone is trying to shoehorn into the language. Can you spot it from this image?
Yes, the word is caplet.
What the f… What does caplet mean?
It might make sense if you were talking about some form of headwear;
caplet = a small cap. But no, this is a
word coined to describe a tablet or pill.
It is not round, but elongated.
If it were a hollow pod which contained granules of medicine it would be
called a capsule. So, some wag in the
medical industry has coined the name caplet, suggesting that this is somehow a
type of drug form somewhere in between a tablet and a capsule. It isn’t; it is simply a tablet which just
happens to be the shape of a capsule.
Surely then, a caplet could equally be called a tabule, or pule (cross
between a pill and a capsule). No that
is even dafter. There are all manner of
shapes used when producing drugs in tablet form; they need to be different
shapes and colours to allow users to differentiate between them. If a pill is oval, triangular, square or
hexagonal do we make up a new word to describe it? Of course we don’t. So why caplet? Absolute nonsense.
Time to move on,
methinks.
…..oooOooo…..
What about the
birthday honours for the 11th of July? Which famous fellows first found their way
into the world on this day? Robert Bruce
1274 (The man with the same middle name as Rupert Bear), Thomas Bowdler 1754
(Miserable c*** - It’s meant to be ironic before you start complaining about
the bad language), Gough Whitlam 1916 (Proym meenister of Oz), Reg Varney 1916
(Star of TV show mentioned in last week’s blog.
On the Buses ran from 1969 to 1973, so old Reg was aged between 53 and
57 while he was lusting after those young conductresses. Dirty old man), Yul Brynner 1920 (Man who
started shaved head fashion 40 years too soon), David Kelly 1929 (Cousin
Enda. Ask your da.), Tab Hunter 1931
(Search for diet soft drink), Georgio Armani 1934 (Tailor), John Kettley 1952
(Kettley – a bit like a kettle), Leon Spinks 1953 (How exactly does one
spink?), Mark Lester 1958 (MORE???), Richie Sambora 1959 (Showoff guitarist),
Suzanne Vega 1959 (Lives on the second floor), Pauline McLynn 1962 (Ahh go on
go on go on go on go on), Craig Charles 1964 (Smeeeee…) and Tony Cottee 1965
(The thing about goalscorers is that they score goals).
Nothing to
gramblerise? There must be something musically
significant happened on the 11th of July. Surely.
Anything? No? Ah.
Found something. On the 11th
of July 1967 Kenny Rogers formed First Edition.
Is that it? Is that the most
significant thing to happen? So, on 11th
of July 47 years ago Kenny just gathers up some muso buddies and says, ‘Okay,
you lot, from now on you are the First Edition.
Got that? Me? Well, I’ll be Kenny Rogers and. That’s right.
Kenny Rogers and. As in Kenny
Rogers and the First Edition. And if you
don’t like it, it’ll be Kenny Rogers and the Second Edition. Any objections? Didn’t think there would be.’
They only had a
couple of hits (in Britain, anyway) – Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town was
the biggie that reached number two. Who
can remember the only other hit?
Anyone? You. Yes, you at the back… No, not Reuben
James. That didn’t chart in the UK. Any other guesses? Correct.
Something’s Burning reached number eight in 1970. It was a song whose lyrics would certainly
have upset Mrs Whitehouse. I’m not
surprised. The words are filthy. I was going to gramblerise the lyrics, but
here they are in full…
You lie in gentle sleep beside me
I hear your warm and rhythmic breathing
I take your hand and hold it tightly
Listen, can you not hear our young hearts beating?
I kiss the sleep from your eyes
Your smile is sweeter than the morning
And a here it comes
Can't you feel it baby?
Can't you feel it, here it comes
Feel it! Feel it! Fire! Fire!
Something's burning, something's burning
Something's burning and I think it's love
And now the sun is burning brightly
We lie in love so close together
I get the feeling deep inside me
My love for you will burn forever
I cup my hands to touch your face
And once again I feel your fire
And a here it comes
Can't you feel it baby?
Can't you feel it, here it comes
Feel it! Feel it! Fire! Fire!
Something's burning, something's burning
Something's burning and I think it's love
And I think it's love, love and I think it's love
And I think it's love, love
(Can't you feel the fire keeps burnin'?)
(Can't you feel the fire keeps burnin'?)
(Can't you feel the fire keeps burnin'? Love)
And I think it's love
I hear your warm and rhythmic breathing
I take your hand and hold it tightly
Listen, can you not hear our young hearts beating?
I kiss the sleep from your eyes
Your smile is sweeter than the morning
And a here it comes
Can't you feel it baby?
Can't you feel it, here it comes
Feel it! Feel it! Fire! Fire!
Something's burning, something's burning
Something's burning and I think it's love
And now the sun is burning brightly
We lie in love so close together
I get the feeling deep inside me
My love for you will burn forever
I cup my hands to touch your face
And once again I feel your fire
And a here it comes
Can't you feel it baby?
Can't you feel it, here it comes
Feel it! Feel it! Fire! Fire!
Something's burning, something's burning
Something's burning and I think it's love
And I think it's love, love and I think it's love
And I think it's love, love
(Can't you feel the fire keeps burnin'?)
(Can't you feel the fire keeps burnin'?)
(Can't you feel the fire keeps burnin'? Love)
And I think it's love
They want a bucket of water pouring over them, they do an’ all.
…..oooOooo…..
How did The
Grambler’s predicting skills fare last week?
We actually won. I say won. We were in profit for once. £4.14 return from our £2.20 stake money. Can The Grambler improve on that this
week. Let’s see what this week’s random
choices are…
Meeting – Time – Horse – Odds
Newmarket 4.20 Ballydoyle 1/2
Tipperary 4.25 Diakali 10/11
York 5.10 Shawaahid 7/4
Ascot 5.40 Think Ahead 5/4
Hamilton Park 6.45 Alaskan Wing 10/11
…and if the bets
(10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The
Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…
£15.19
1519? That was when Leonardo Da Vinci died. [What twenty past three? – Ed.]
…..oooOooo…..
It’s Teaser
time. Yay! Last week I asked you which English football club is geographically the
furthest south as well as being the furthest west. The answer is Plymouth Argyll.
One for this week? Let’s have
one relating to the World Cup. Who is
the only goalkeeper to win the FIFA World Cup Golden Ball (best player) Award?
…..oooOooo…..
Once again,
let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this
blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.
If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that
you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .
…..oooOooo…..
And finally,
Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted
to a Mr R. Chapman who continues our dodgy record cover series with this
doubtful offering…
Hmm.
Happy grambling.
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