Thursday 12 April 2018

Week 34 - Grambleday wishes to Doctor Who

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will.

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy


It seems that nowadays anyone can become a star or at least a celebrity by simply putting something memorable on Ya Tube or Farcebook.

Here in Scotland, a very funny comedian was first spotted on line and gained something of a cult following. Before long, the beeb was alerted to his genius brand of comedy and the rest is history. Limmy was given his own show and his material was shown to a much wider audience.

Going much further back, long before social media, someone who appeared in the news could achieve a brief moment of ‘stardom’. Who remembers Daniel Hooper aka Swampy? Anyone? You at the back? Yes, that’s right, he was an eco-warrior or environmental protester. He achieved a modicum of fame, or notoriety depending on your point of view, when he and others dug a series of tunnels under the proposed Newbury Bypass extension of the A30 road back in 1996. He and other protesters spent up to a week in this complex labyrinth resisting arrest. He was the last one to be ‘evicted’ and because of this act of defiance he was briefly a celebrity. In 1997 he was even a panellist on Have I Got News For You.

That was one celebrity who had his 15 minutes of fame; another is John Smeaton. If it is a name that you have forgotten, he was the baggage handler who, along with others, tackled terrorists who tried to drive a 4x4 vehicle through the main doors of Glasgow Airport back in 2007. The vehicle was on fire as Smeato arrived at the scene and the people in the car were also being burned. His way of dealing with the situation? Basically, he tried to kick the sh*t out of the driver. He received the Queen’s Medal for Gallantry for kicking a man that was on fire.

He was, however, something of a character and the press loved his forthright views...

His thoughts as he set about the attacker: ‘You're no' hitting the Polis mate, there's nae chance.’

Describing his own actions: ‘So I ran straight towards the guy, we're all trying to get a kick-in at him, take a boot to subdue the guy.’

When asked for his message to would-be terrorists: ‘Glasgow doesn't accept this. This is Glasgow; we'll set about ye.’

In a newspaper article: ‘If any more extremists are still wanting to rise up and start trouble, know this: We’ll rise right back up against you. New York, Madrid, London, Paisley… we’re all in this together and make no mistake, none of us will hold back from putting the boot in.’

On his fame: ‘Would you stop it with all this hero worship? Anyone else would have done exactly the same as me.’

Coming bang up to date, have you ever heard of Joseph Garrett? No neither had I until, recently, my grandson told me about what he watched on Ya Tube. Actually, he hasn't heard of Joseph Garrett either because he knows him as Stampylongnose. Sorry pardon excuse me? He seems to be something of a cult... I said cult... amongst 8 year old kids.

If you were ever annoyed that your child was playing too many computer games, consider this. Stampylongnose records himself playing computer games, adding a commentary, and then puts these recordings on Ya Tube. Children, my grandson included, then watch these videos for hours on end.

Thus, children are not spending too long playing computer games, they are now spending too long watching someone else playing computer games.

So if ever you hear a child talk about Stampylongnose, you now know that you don't need to refer to a medical dictionary; instead, you should be hiding the laptop.

All this tarradiddle leads me to a piece of film that was recently posted on Ya Tube. It features a young lady at the funeral of her father. Not for her the normal sad farewell, instead she sings the old Millie hit My Boy Lollipop at the graveside. Naturally, the whole spectacle was filmed and placed on Ya Tube. It's what people do these days. Any road up, the clip has gone 'viral' with over a quarter of a million views. Following on from this, she was actually booked to appear at a Glasgow bar to 'sing' the same song. If you allow Ya Tube to do it's usual trick of playing the next clip, whether you want it to or not, you will see that Bar Budda was absolutely packed that night.

Anyway, ladeez and genullum, please enjoy the antics of Glasgow's latest 'star', Denise Ferrie aka Slim Feminem.



Were any famous or notorious people born on the 14th of April? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Abraham Darby 1678 (Ironmaster who developed a superior method of producing pig iron in the early years of the industrial revolution. You see, educational this is.), John Gielgud 1904 (Ectaw, dear leddie.), Faisal of Saudi Arabia 1906 (The well-known king.), Francois Duvalier 1907 (The well-known dictator. Aka Papa Doc.), Valerie Hobson 1917 (Ectress.), Rod Steiger 1925 (I didn’t know he kept dangerous animals.), Gerry Anderson 1929 (Not just a puppeteer. Gave us... deep breath... The Adventures of Twizzle, Torchy the Battery Boy, Four Feather Falls, Supercar, Fireball XL5, Stingray, Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons and Joe 90. I think a clip is in order. A theme tune perhaps?  It has to be this one.), Bob Grant 1932 (Actor. Jack Harper in On the Buses.), Loretta Lynn 1932 (Curntry n wyustern singer. Aka The Coal Miner's Daughter, The First Lady of Country Music, The Queen of Country Music, The Honky Tonk Girl, The Decca Doll, The Blue Kentucky Girl or The Hillbilly Feminist. Was this some sort of tax dodge?), Paddy Hopkirk 1933 (rally type racey bloke.), Shani Wallis 1933 (Actress/singer. Nancy, that was her. All together now... Oom pah pah! Oom pah pah!), Julie Christie 1940 (Ectress.), Ritchie Blackmore 1945 (Geetarist. Responsible for the first riff that any budding rock guitarist ever learns.  All together now... Dahn dahn dahn, da da da dahn...), Julian Lloyd-Webber 1951 (Cellist. Time for a bit o cult'yer.), Peter Capaldi 1958 (Ectaw. Malcolm Tucker and the 12th incarnation of the man known only as The Doctor.), Robert Carlyle 1961 (Ectaw. Begbie.), Gina McKee 1964 (Ac’ress bonny lad.), Sarah Michelle Gellar 1977 (Actress. Buffy.) and James McFadden 1983 (Ex-Motherwell footy bloke.).


I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grampus,

Thanks for reminding us of what a genius Gerry Anderson was. He gave us all those wonderful puppet programmes back in the fifties and sixties. After turning his back on puppet tv in the seventies, I believe he produced another animated series in the eighties. Can you remember what it was called?

Yours sincerely,

Terry Hawkes.
Blimey! Alice Cooper's let himself go.




Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won. Sort of. And we made a profit. Yep. £2.27 back from a £2.20 stake. Seven pees still count as a profit. What happened? Read on...



Sheffield Wed vs Fulham - Prediction Away win

Result - Sheffield Wednesday 0 Fulham 1


Fulham looked set to be frustrated despite dominating the game, with Ryan Sessegnon hitting the bar and Aleksandar Mitrovic and Stefan Johansen also going close.

But Mitrovic smashed in Sessegnon's cross for their seventh win in eight.


Yeovil vs Luton - Prediction Away win

Result - Yeovil 0 Luton 3


Luton scored early. Danny Hylton's flicked header found Elliot Lee in space and he slotted past goalkeeper Stuart Nelson.

Hylton was involved in the action again when Ryan Dickson hauled him down in the box and was shown a straight red card. The striker picked himself up to score the penalty a minute later.

Yeovil were down to nine in the 32nd minute when captain Francois Zoko was dismissed for an off-the-ball incident with Alan McCormack.

Hylton made it 3-0 eight minutes later by turning in a James Collins cross at the second attempt.


Partick vs Kilmarnock - Prediction Away win

Result - Partick 0 Kilmarnock 1


Stuart Findlay headed home from Jordan Jones' cross to give Killie a first-half advantage.

Thistle's Chris Erskine and Conor Sammon were denied by goalkeeper Jamie MacDonald early in the second period.

Stephen O'Donnell had the ball in the net for the visitors but was penalised for handball (which is a different sport entirely).


Ross County vs Hibs - Prediction Away win

Result - Ross County 1 Hibs 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Billy Mckay showed great persistence and composure to net the 28th-minute opener against the run of play.

The visitors' supremacy continued after the break, and they squandered a spree of chances before replacement Oli Shaw's 90th-minute strike.

Darren McGregor almost won it for Hibs with the final act of the game.

The Hibs captain headed just wide from a corner. Tw*t!


Dumbarton vs Dundee Utd - Prediction Away win

Result - Dumbarton 3 Dundee United 2


Calum Gallagher tucked away a cross to open the scoring but Celtic loanee Anthony Ralston headed United level.

Craig Barr rose highest to head home a corner before Scott McDonald's finish again dragged Csaba Laszlo's side level.

McDonald thought he had scored again with a shot which was cleared on the line but another Barr header won it.

He scored the winner from a corner with 10 minutes to go.


Oh well. I didn’t expect The Grambler to do it two weeks on the trot. Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected this week...

Game - Result - Odds

Barnsley vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Burton vs Derby - Prediction Away win - 3/4

Hull vs Sheffield Wed - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Middlesbrough vs Bristol C - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Nottingham For vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win - 17/20


The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...




Hmm. That is a little bit whopping.





Teaser time. Yay! Last week I told you that there are six footballers currently still playing who have scored over 100 Premiershit goals and asked who is the youngest of these. If you answered Harry Kane, you would be right; he is, after all, only 24. You would also be right if you had answered Wean Rooney. Sorry pardon excuse me? You see, of the six holders of the 100 goals accolade currently still playing, Rooney was the youngest at the time he achieved the feat being only 24 years and 100 days. Harry Kane was 24 years and 191 days. And the bonus question? The youngest player to rack up 100 goals in the Premiershit was Michael Owen who was only 23 years and 134 days when he reached the milestone.

One for this week? What do Leyton Orient, Northampton Town, Carlisle United, Swindon Town and Barnsley have in common? One to start a discussion down the pub, methinks.



As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of



And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to birthday celebrant Miss G. McKee for this week’s closing link. It shows an early tv role for Gina back in 1987. It may be dated, but it is still a clever piece of advertising.


That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at


Happy grambling.


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