Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
For those of you who have been reading this blog since its inception (How are you both, by the way?), you may perhaps remember a reference Stewart (the founder of thegrambler.com) made to a Motherwell 'supporter' who would spend the whole match shouting abuse at the players and the match officials. Especially the match officials. (See Week 6 results: You f#%!ing plebs!) Stewart wrote the piece in 2012. Nine years ago. [I think we worked that out. - Ed.]
Well, guess what; shouty man is still there and he is still spouting forth with his vitriolic bile... and he still wears the same black baseball cap.
My grandson usually accompanies me to Motherwell games, but he has decided he doesn't want to go any more. I think shouty man has a lot to do with that decision. Shame.
His younger sister now accompanies me. She seems to enjoy going, but the other weekend she looked decidedly uncomfortable as shouty man got into his stride.
I felt I was partly responsible for her discomfort, having taken her to the match in the first place, so, unusually for me, I turned round and told him to shut up.
His reaction was odd but not unexpected. He told me that I obviously supported the opposition because I didn't 'encourage' the team the way that he did. I was already angry with him so immediately reported this lunatic to the nearest steward. [What a clipe! Please sir, he's annoying me. Wimp! - Ed.]
If you had been listening to his outbursts for nigh on ten years, you would do the same. I had had enough and I told him so.
I wasn't the only one ordering him to be quiet, several other guys were also chipping in and their language was a lot more colourful than mine. The only difference was that I was the one to stick my head above the parapet, so to speak, and actually report him.
At half time a guy from several rows behind me, came down to tell me that there was a couple of seats near him that were free; we could move there to get away from 'that f***ing nutjob'.
Another guy had spoken to the head steward on my behalf who had told him that shouty would have cctv cameras trained on him during the second half.
At the end of the match, another guy approached me and said that if I reported shouty man, he and his cronies would back me up.
Now, you may be thinking this is a remarkably depressing (g)ramble about me trying to get a supporter barred, but hold on there Bald Eagle, there is more.
Shouty man used to be accompanied by his old man who, it has to be said, was a bit senile. The old guy used to shout random things like 'Have you got clean shoes on' or 'Where's your egg cup.' No, it doesn't make sense, but at least he wasn't angry like his son.
Anyway, the old father died and shouty man now brings a wee kid along to the game. I'm guessing it's his nephew.
When I told uncle shouty man I was sick of hearing him, Mini Me, aged about ten, piped up, 'Shut it, ya fud!'
I did a double take.
'Did you... did you... just... call me... a fud?' I asked, not quite believing what I'd heard.
I just managed to tell shouty man that he had taught the young lad well, before having to turn away quickly for fear of laughing out loud and spoiling my angry persona.
Then I thought to myself [What a wonderful world? - Ed.] Ahem... that the angry guy was getting the wee fellow to follow in his footsteps. He really was teaching him... exactly how not to behave at a football match.
Shut it, Elmer
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?
Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 13th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.
Edward III 1312 - The well-known sequel to Edwards I and II.
Lady Caroline Lamb 1785 - Orfer who ‘knew’ Lord Byron.
William Hillman 1848 - Motor car manufacturer. Can you guess which make?
Robert Louis Stevenson 1850 - Orfer. Treasure Island. That was one of his.
Margaret Scudamore 1884 - Who? She was an ectress, don’tcha know. Michael Redgrave’s mum.
Hermione Baddeley 1906 - Ectress. Mrs Neil Naugatuck in Maude, a spinoff of All In The Family. 100 credits on IMDb.
Pat Reid 1910 - Army officer who escaped from Colditz Castle.
Adrienne Corri 1930 - Actress. Mrs Alexander in A Clockwork Orange. 111 credits on IMDb. Take that Baddeley.
Jean Rook 1931 - Journalist and member of the crow family.
George Carey 1935 - The well-known (ex)Archbishop of Canterbury.
Robert Whitaker 1939 - The man who photographed The Beatles.
Raymond Froggatt 1941 - Songwriter and singer. Here’s a link to a toon that was a hit for The Dave Clark Five in the Yuk. Frogatt’s version didn’t chart in Britain, but reached number 3 in The Netherlands. All together now... In and out of the red balloon...
Howard Wilkinson 1943 - Footy bloke.
Ron Harris 1944 - Footy bloke.
Mike Tagg 1946 - Athleticky bloke.
Brooks Mileson 1947 - Footy club owner.
Michael Osborne 1947 - Actor. PC Newton in Dixon of Dock Green. Mind how you go.
Trudie Goodwin 1951 - Actress. Played June Ackland in 978 episodes of The Bill.
Art Malik 1952 - Actor. Erasmus Nash in The Woman in White. 117 credits on IMDb and counting. Are you listening Baddeley? And counting.
Juliet Hammond 1953 - Actress. Natalie Chantrens in Secret Army. Her.
Diana Weston 1953 - Actress. Jill in Fairly Secret Army. What are the chances of that happening? She also appeared as Midge Ure’s wife in this video.
Simon Hinkler 1959 - A bit of The Mission. 18 singles have charted in the Yuk, but they have never quite made the top ten. Number 11 was the best they did with this, Wasteland.
Caroline Goodall 1959 - Actress. Emilie Schindler in Schindler’s List. Her.
Nicholas Bond-Owen 1968 - Actor. Played Tristram in 38 episodes of George and Mildred which began when he was only 8 years old.
Gerard Butler 1969 - Actor. King Leonidas in 300. Him.
Stewart Kerr 1974 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.
Camilla Power 1976 - Actress. Lorna Dickey in Waterloo Road. Her.
Kevin Bridges 1986 - Comedian.
Lando Norris 1999 - Racey car bloke.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Simon Grambler,
Hiya Slink. I’m a great fan of The Mission and have tried to get all your albums. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get hold of your last one as the shop in Thurrock didn’t stock it. Mind you, it didn’t help that I couldn’t remember its name. Can you remind me, please?
Anne Utherfaul, from Greys.
How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Not very well. Only 58 pees back from a £2.20 stake isn’t very good. What happened? Read on...
Birmingham vs Reading - Home win
Result - Birmingham 1 Reading 2
Jahmari Clarke's second-half double helped Reading fight back to beat Birmingham at St Andrew's.
The Blues quickly hit the front when Scott Hogan pounced on Liam Moore's loose backpass to round Royals goalkeeper Luke Southwood and slot into an empty net.
Reading improved and second-half substitute Clarke levelled with a powerful header from John Swift's cross.
The striker then completed the turnaround, beating Blues keeper Matija Sarkic at the second attempt after Swift's initial shot was saved.
Bournemouth vs Swansea - Home win
Result - Bournemouth 4 Swansea 0
After the Swans dominated early on, the Cherries went ahead when Philip Billing crossed for Dominic Solanke to fire home.
Solanke volleyed in Leif Davis' cross for 2-0 early in the second half before Ryan Christie had a shot blocked and Jaidon Anthony nodded in the rebound.
Jamal Lowe then teed up Anthony to drive in a fourth in stoppage time.
Coventry vs Bristol City - Home win
Result - Coventry 3 Bristol City 2
10-man Coventry City twice came from behind to snatch a dramatic 92nd-minute winner against Bristol City.
The hosts missed a flurry of first-half chances before Ian Maatsen's red card for a foul inside the area led to Chris Martin's opener from the spot for the visitors.
Coventry replied via a penalty of their own from Matt Godden before Andreas Weimann tapped into an empty net to restore the Robins' lead.
Callum O'Hare fired in a second leveller before team-mate Godden sealed victory at the death.
Millwall vs Derby - Home win
Result - Millwall 1 Derby 1
Ooh! ’It the bar!
Derby held on for a point at Millwall despite having Nathan Byrne sent off following two yellow cards.
Derby took the lead when 19-year-old Festy Ebosele scored from Tom Lawrence's pass.
The Lions levelled moments later in a frantic finish to the opening half as Scott Malone beat Kelle Roos with a low angled shot after being found in space on the left-hand side.
Byrne was dismissed after fouling Malone, but Roos produced a fine save to keep out Benik Afobe's acrobatic effort.
West Brom vs Middlesbrough - Home win
Result - West Brom 1 Middlesbrough 1
Ooh! ’It the bar!
Josh Coburn put the Teessiders ahead before the break, thumping in after Duncan Watmore and Isaiah Jones combined to square the ball into his path.
The Baggies responded in the second period, although they had to wait until after the hour for the equaliser.
Grady Diangana fired in off the post when the ball broke from Kyle Bartley's header, after Robert Snodgrass put in a teasing free-kick.
Two out of five. Rubbish. Let’s hope The Grambler ups his/her/its game this week.
Game - Result - Odds
Exeter vs Oldham - Home win - 8/11
Arbroath vs Queen of the South - Home win - 5/6
Inverness CT vs Dunfermline - Home win - 3/4
Morton vs Kilmarnock - Away win - 19/20
East Fife vs Airdreonians - Away win - 8/11
Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
A bit more whopping than last week. Yay! [We’ll see if you are still yaying at 5 o’clock. - Ed.]
Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Liverpool in 1985. I began my senior career at Everton before moving to Manchester United. I made 393 appearances for them and scored 183 goals. I was capped for England 120 times and scored 53 times. In 2020 I moved to my present club and in January of 2021 took on the role of manager.
Answer - Wayne Rooney
2. Who managed England during the 2002 World Cup campaign?
Answer - Sven Goran Eriksson
3. Which team are known as The Baggies
Answer - West Bromwich Albion
4. In which year did Arsene Wenger join Arsenal as manager?
Answer - 1996
5. Name all the clubs with ‘Rovers’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).
Answer - Blackburn Rovers, Doncaster Rovers, Bristol Rovers, Tranmere Rovers and Forest Green Rovers
Five for this week? Indeed.
1. Who am I?
I was born near Paris in 1993. I began my senior career at Manchester United before moving to Juventus. I returned to Man U after four years at Juventus for a transfer fee of £89 million. I have been capped for France 89 times.
2. Which club plays at The New Den?
3. Which famous first will always be held by Keith Peacock?
4. What country do Brondby come from?
5. Name all the teams with ‘Athletic’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).
There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?
Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).
Click on this link... The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. K. Bridges, one of this week’s birthday celebrants, who provides us with a few funnies to end this week’s edition.
‘I love the Americans who visit Edinburgh, they're enthusiastic. When they're up at Edinburgh Castle, they think it's a high school because they hear gunshots every lunchtime.’
‘I've reached that age where there's a baby being passed around somebody's living room like it's a spliff.’
‘Working in Poundstretcher for no wages…working in a shop where everything is worth a quid except you.’
‘When the kids at school found out your parents were away, news spread like wildfire. ‘Oh I hear you’re having a party.’ Having is probably the wrong word to use…you’re GETTING a party.’
‘Primark have started selling Che Guevara t-shirts - that's a fitting testimony to the man's legacy. He fought for the poor and oppressed in South America, now his face is being stitched onto t-shirts by the poor and oppressed in Southeast Asia to be worn by the poor and oppressed in South East London.’
‘Islamic fundamentalists attacked New York, Madrid, London and then Glasgow - we were f***ing flattered.’
‘Edinburgh and Glasgow: same country, very different cities. In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock.’
On a thief at a party: ‘There’s a guy in the corner just trying on peoples jackets. Asking people if it suits him, not even does it fit him, does it suit him. The guy’s a petty thief but he’s also a fashionista.’
On receiving an invitation to 10 Downing Street from former Prime Minister David Cameron: ‘Got this through the door today, my heart is saying ‘f*** that’ and my head is saying ‘Aye, f*** that’.’
‘I seen a sign that said, 'Have you seen this man?' So I phoned up and I said, 'No.' I might be many things, but I'm not a grass.’
‘The guy said 'Fat boy - give me a quid, or you're getting stabbed.' I thought - quite reasonable.’
‘Can you imagine Jesus turning up at a nightclub? ‘I don't care who your dad is pal, you're not getting in with sandals on’.’
‘Asda turned me down for a job when I was 16. But Asda’s loss was the Co-op’s gain. I became one of the best shelf stackers in Clydebank.’
On listening to Celtic v Barcelona on the radio: ‘It’s quite therapeutic listening to Barca, commentators just go Xavi, Iniesta, Xavi, Iniesta, Xavi, Iniesta. I think they record it on a loop in the morning.’
‘I'd catch a grenade for you, that's what passes for a love song in the modern day. Where's he planning on taking her? A romantic stroll down to Helmand Province?’
‘I seen a headline that said 'woman drugged, beaten, tied up and left for dead at neighbour's party.' Surely that can no longer be referred to as a party.’
‘The city of Glasgow was recently announced as Europe's murder capital, but also voted the UK's friendliest city. In the same week. We got our act together pronto.’
‘Remember the first day back at school after the summer holidays? That was the day that you found out what class you were in. I was never one of the rich kids who would come strolling in and have a sun tan and a new school bag- but I was never one of the ones who would come in with a black eye and a new second name.’
In reply to a tweet criticising his joke: ‘Mate, yer maw took 9 months to come up with a joke.’
Well, I liked them.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.