Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
I have just bought a pair of trousers. [How very interesting. Yawn. - Ed.] Yes, I know that's a boring way to start this week's (g)ramble, but bear with me on this.
As you cannot fail to have noticed, unless you live in a cave... in which case you wouldn't be reading this... a big climate change conference is being held in Glasgow at the moment. It's called PC49. Hang on, that's not right. COP26, that's what it's called. I knew it had something to do with the police.
Anyway, 30000 people have descended on the city, roads have been closed, protest marches have been planned, strikes have been called, etc..
Strikes? Indeed, many key workers have threatened strike action at this time. If you want to get a pay rise, your chances of getting it will surely be better when your home town is trying to impress the neighbours. Good luck to them, I say.
Any road up, COP26 is all about saving the planet by reducing the use of fossil fuels. It must be really serious because Greta Thunberg has shown up. And Greenpeace.
Blah blah blah [Wasn't that a hit for Trio? - Ed.]
I'd have thought a good way to start saving our planet would be to not have 30000 people travelling from all around the world to come to your conference. For all the difference that will come out of it, they might as well have had a zoom meeting.
Sorry, letting politics get in the way of the silliness there.
Back to the trousers. [I wondered when you would get back to them. - Ed.] They are just ordinary trousers; nothing special. As I always do when I buy an item of clothing, I checked the washing instructions. So here is the connection to saving the planet.
On the label there is a little rhyme to encourage you to wash the trousers at a lower than normal temperature. If you are not having to heat the water so much, you are doing your bit to prevent global warming. The rhyme goes...
If it's not dirty... wash at thirty.
If it's not dirty, why are you even washing it or, in this case, them? They couldn't even be bothered making the rhyme specific to the product. Cuh!
Presumably, you would have to wash the item more often, if you are trying to wash it before it even gets dirty. In that case, you're not really saving the planet, you are using more energy. Am I right? Course I am.
So, I have come up with my own little rhyme...
If it’s not dirty, then... wear it again. [That’s a bit dull. - Ed.] Well, I thought it was better that than my first effort. Don’t give a f*** till it’s covered in muck. [Okay, I take that back. - Ed.]
Story time 2...
Old Huw Edwards is under fire. He is and all. All because the well-known Welsh newsreader suggested that the removal of a portrait of Sir Thomas Picton from the National Museum of Wales was an example of censoring history.
The reason the portrait was taken down is that Picton, once thought of as a hero, is now considered to be anything but. He has been labelled a villain thanks to his links to slavery.
If every portrait of someone with a murky past were to be removed, the various galleries up and down the land would be pretty much emptied.
Let's face it, anyone involved with the formation of the British Empah usually had blood on their hands in some way. How many indigenous people were slain because of Britain's desire to rule the world? Some populations were virtually wiped out in the quest for world domination.
Any road up, this (g)ramble is not about rewriting history, it is about the way the story was reported in my favourite newspaper, the Daily Pail, and I quote...
'His comments come as the BBC clamps down on impartiality...'
Did you spot the non-deliberate mistake?
The Beeb has long been criticised because its views were sometimes seen as not being impartial enough. It seems that the Daily Bucket wants them to be a lot less impartial.
Okay, it was just a mistake on the journalists' part... Yes, there were two of them involved with the writing of this article... However, it just shows how standards have slipped, that two supposedly educated people failed to spot this error.
Bring back profreaders I say.
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?
Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 6th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.
Toke Townley 1912 - Actor. Best remembered for playing Sam Pearson in Emmerdale.
Ronnie Brody 1918 - Comedy Actor. Worked with the likes of Benny Hill, Jimmy Logan, Charlie Drake, Sid James, Eric Sykes, Spike Milligan, Terry Scott, Norman Wisdom, Mike Yarwood and, probably most famously, Dave Allen.
Chic Murray 1919 - Comedian.
Don Lusher 1923 - Musician. Here he is playing trombone at 1982’s Music for Youth School Prom and it is called simply Concert Variations.
Donald Houston 1923 - Actor look you. Harry Love in Now, Take My Wife.
Nan Winton 1925 - Broadcaster. In June 1960 she became the first female newsreader on BBC television. In March 1961 she was sacked, not because of any misdemeanour, but simply because of prejudice that a woman did not have the gravitas to read the late evening news. It would be a further 14 years until the Beeb next employed a woman to read the news.
John Carlin 1929 - Actor. The type whose face you knew, but he was never the big star, indeed many of his TV roles were nameless.
Donald Churchill 1930 - Actor and playwright. Starred in Spooner’s Patch as Inspector Spooner. Ask your dad.
Peter Collins 1931 - Racey car bloke.
Ron Saunders 1932 - Footy bloke.
Gordon Wharmby 1933 - Actor. Played Wesley in 139 episodes of Last of the Summer Wine.
Patricia Shakesby 1942 - Actress. Polly Urquhart in Howards’ Way. Her.
George Young 1946 - Musician, songwriter and record producer. He was in The Easybeats who had one big hit in the UK, Friday On My Mind He was Angus and Malcolm’s big brother, you know.
Jim Rosenthal 1947 - Sports presenter.
Nigel Havers 1951 - Actor. Lewis Archer in Coronation Street. Him.
Tony Parsons 1953 - Orfer.
Ingrid Lacey 1948 - Actress. Best known for playing Helen Cooper in Drop The Dead Donkey.
Cath Kidston 1958 - Bag lady.
Ricky Wilde 1961 - Musician. Groomed by Jonathan King [Eh? - Ed.] to be the UK’s answer to Donny Osmond. Here’s an example of his work which explains why he wasn’t: I Am An Astronaut.
Paul Birch 1962 - Footy bloke.
Stuart Dougal 1962 - Fitba referee.
Patrick Robinson 1963 - Actor. DC Jacob Banks in The Bill. Him.
Steve Judd 1968 - Snookery bloke.
Garry Flitcroft 1972 - Footy bloke.
Thandiwe (or Thandie) Newton 1972 - Roz in Line of Duty. Her.
Neil McAndrew 1963 - Model/Celebrity.
Susan Calman 1974 - Comedian.
Craig Bryson 1986 - Fitba guy.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Susan Grambleman,
It was nice to hear The Easybeats’ Friday On My Mind. Did this Australian beat combo have other hit records in the UK?
Yours with fraternal greetings,
How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? From our £2.20 stake, we won... £1.84. Would you Adam and Eve it, 36 pees down, the same as last week. What happened? Read on...
Reading vs Bournemouth - Away win
Result - Reading 0 Bournemouth 2
The Cherries went ahead at the end of an even first half when Gary Cahill headed a far-post corner back across the box to Dominic Solanke whose downward header bounced past three Reading players on the goal-line.
Second-half substitute Jamal Lowe doubled the lead just three minutes after coming on, cutting into the box and placing a low shot across goalkeeper Luke Southwood and into the far corner of the net.
Scott Dann went closest for the Royals, forcing Cherries goalkeeper Mark Travers into a full-stretch save in stoppage time with a flicked header.
Oxford vs Morecambe - Home win
Result - Oxford 3 Morecambe 1
Steve Seddon nodded the U's in front in the 29th minute after Matty Taylor kept Elliott Moore's header in play with a skilful overhead kick at the far post.
James Henry squandered the chance to make it 2-0 when he blazed a penalty over the bar at the start of the second half after goalkeeper Jokull Andersson fouled Taylor in the box.
Cole Stockton equalised for Morecambe in the 64th minute with a spectacular right-footed volley from Ryan Cooney's cross that arrowed into the top of the net.
Mark Sykes restored the home side's lead nine minutes later, bravely nodding home as he challenged for the ball with Andersson after good play again by Taylor.
And the outstanding Taylor made it 3-1 with an angled chip over Andersson three minutes from the end.
Harrogate vs Bristol - Home win
Result - Harrogate 0 Bristol 1
After a scoreless first half and little in the way of goalmouth action after half-time, the deadlock was finally broken in the 64th minute.
Alfie Kilgour crossed to the back post for Nick Anderton to scramble the ball in off the post, both players having earlier been called off the bench.
The Pirates had looked certain to take the lead before the break, only to be denied by a miraculous goal-line clearance from Lewis Page from Luke Thomas' strike.
Newport vs Stevenage - Home win
Result - Newport 5 Stevenage 0
Dom Telford's hat-trick inspired Newport to a win that humbled Stevenage at Rodney Parade.
The hosts were 3-0 up at the break with Telford getting two before playing provider for Courtney Baker-Richardson to add his name to the scoresheet.
Telford added his third early in the second half.
Finn Azaz fired home from distance to seal the emphatic win.
Sutton vs Walsall - Home win
Result - Sutton 0 Walsall 1
Tyrese Shade's second-half goal proved the difference as Walsall took a narrow 1-0 victory at Sutton.
It was the hosts who looked most likely to score, but substitute Shade came off the bench and fired home a fine free-kick.
Let’s see what The Grambler has randomly selected for this week.
Game - Result - Odds
Birmingham vs Reading - Home win - 4/5
Bournemouth vs Swansea - Home win - 8/11
Coventry vs Bristol City - Home win - 4/6
Millwall vs Derby - Home win - 5/6
West Brom vs Middlesbrough - Home win - 5/6
Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
Even less whopping than last week.
Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in 1957 in Hayes, Middlesex. I played as a midfielder for Spurs and Monaco before moving to Swindon Town and then Chelsea as player/manager. I won 53 England caps. After Chelsea, I managed the national side, but was sacked for un-pc comments regarding disabled people.
Answer - Glenn Hoddle
2. Newcastle play at St James’ Park, but which English club plays at St James Park?
Answer - Exeter
3. Which German club did Kevin Keegan play for?
Answer - Hamburg
4. 20 years ago, which player was transferred from Juventus to Real Madrid for a world record fee of 150 billion Italian lire (£46.5 million)?
Answer - Zinedine Zidane
5. Name all the clubs with ‘County’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).
Answer - Derby County, Notts County, Stockport County, Newport County and Rotherham County
How did you do? Okay? Hope so. Let’s have five for this week.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Liverpool in 1985. I began my senior career at Everton before moving to Manchester United. I made 393 appearances for them and scored 183 goals. I was capped for England 120 times and scored 53 times. In 2020 I moved to my present club and in January of 2021 took on the role of manager.
2. Who managed England during the 2002 World Cup campaign?
3. Which team are known as The Baggies
4. In which year did Arsene Wenger join Arsenal as manager?
5. Name all the clubs with ‘Rovers’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).
There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?
Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).
Click on this link. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. C. Murray who was remembered in this week’s birthday honours. Chic Murray was a comedian who had an individual style; unique even. I’m not sure who voted, but he was named the Comedians’ Comedian in 2005. That sounds like an honour and I, for one, would say that he fully deserves the title. He is remembered fondly by many Scots. I think a few of Chic’s jokes would make a nice way to end this week’s edition. Those of you who know Chic’s style of delivery might appreciate them. Anyone who has never heard him will probably be a little bemused by them. Here goes...
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.
It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.
I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.
My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.
My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.
We’ve got stained glass windows in our house; it’s those damned pigeons.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
Kippers: fish that like a lot of sleep.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.
There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so we got a cat and taught it to bark.
She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. “Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked ‘”What’s the matter? Did you fall over?” So I said “No. I’ve a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it.”
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
Well, I liked them.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.