Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Story Time
In the words of the great Noddy Holder, Baby baby baby!!! No, not those words. These... It's Christmaaaas! Yes, it's that time of year when everyone goes a bit crazy in the lead up to that most wonderful time of the year when we get all nostalgic about Christmases past. We always had snow [Don't think so. - Ed.], telly was always brilliant [Er... no - Ed.] and everyone got on with each other [Now you’re just being daft. - Ed.].
Okay, perhaps the rose-tinted specs have blurred things a little.
Once again, though, I will regail you with a Christmas memory of my own, and parts of it may resonate with a fair few of you out there in gramblerland.
This year's Christmas memory concerns that annual misery fest known as 'the school dance'. Did anyone ever actually enjoy them? Be honest. I know I absolutely hated them.
It had nothing to do with being useless at dancing and often being one of the last picked when it came to the girls' 'excuse me'. Do you remember them? The girls all stood against a wall of the dance hall while the boys stood against the opposite wall. On the say so of one of the teachers in charge, the girls would all spring across the room to pick the most handsome guy/best dancer.
The same thing happened when the boys had to choose their dance partner. We would all race as fast as we could for the girls we found most attractive. Basically, those girls were just dancing with the fastest runners.
There was one tortuous dance that still gives me the shivers just thinking about it. It was given the name of the sadistic teacher who devised it; it was known to all as, cue dramatic music... dan dan da! the McDonegal (Name altered to avoid any legal retributions.) Saunter. [That doesn't sound menacing. What is the dramatic music all about? - Ed.] Read on.
I've mentioned this guy before. He was the senior physical education teacher; an absolute bas... not very nice person. Nowadays, he wouldn't be allowed anywhere near children. How he became a P. E. teacher beats me. What was the interviewing setup back then?
'Come in, Mr McDonegal. Take a seat.'
'I prefer to squat, if you don't mind, sah!'
'Oh yes, I'd forgotten about your military background. Sergeant Major, I believe. Did you enjoy your time in the army?'
'I did, sah!'
'Erm... you don't have to call me sir all the time.'
'Sorry, sah! I mean, sorry.'
'What did you like most about army life?'
'The bullying. I particularly enjoyed bullying the new recruits.'
'Excellent. What methods did you use?'
'Shouting, obviously.'
'Obviously.'
'Nipple twisting was a favourite of mine and, of course, the neck lift.'
'The neck lift? What does that entail?'
'Wrapping both hands around a victim's, sorry, I meant soldier's, neck and lifting him off the ground.'
'Isn't that dangerous?'
'Not for me, no.'
'Excellent. And, presumably, you will be employing such methods, should you be successful in your application?'
'Absolutely.'
'Excellent. And how do feel about corporal punishment?'
'I've never met him.'
'No, no, I mean punishing unruly pupils by use of the belt or tawse.'
'Oh yes, I'm all for it. In fact, I've got my own belt here, Look.'
'Excellent. Although, I think you ought to remove the studs and spikes.'
'What? All of them?'
'I'm afraid so.'
'I do have another string to my bow, so to speak. Another method of punishment.'
'And what, pray, is that?'
'It is... dan dan da... a dance.'
'A... I'm sorry... did you say dance?'
'Indeed I did.'
'That doesn't sound like a punishment.'
'Oh it is, believe me. You see, for a month or so before Christmas, I would suspend all P. E. activities and force all pupils to practise the dance which, even though I say it myself, is mind-numbingly tedious in the extreme.'
'Excellent. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I don't think I've ever met anyone quite as sadistic as you.'
'Why, thank you very much.'
'When can you start?'
Anyway, back to the plot. School dances.
This particular dance, devised by said P. E. Teacher/sadist was practised during P. E. classes throughout December. The dance was indeed a saunter. Several classes would attend a single practice session. We would be split up into lines of six and each line would stand as if they were a point on a clock face. With me so far?
Thus ready, the jaunty 1930s style music (played on a Dansette record player, of course) began and we started to circle the hall in what must have been the most boring 'dance' ever conceived. Two steps forward, one back, one to the left, one to the right, repeat until the end of that sodding music.
Woe betide anyone who didn't put their heart and soul into what could easily have been mistaken for a chain gang, such was the lack of jollity among these 'dancers'. Remember that belt. Old McDonegal [Ee eye ee eye oh. - Ed.] was a bit trigger happy when it came to dishing it out.
It really was a miserable experience for everyone involved. Except, that is, for McDonegal, who grinned maniacally throughout our discomfort.
It's no wonder I can't watch Strictly Come Dancing. Mind you, that Claudia Van Winkle scares me, so that's another reason to not watch it.
.....oooOooo.....
Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 7th of December? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
William Procter 1801 - Industrialist. Half of Procter and Gamble. [Which one was he? - Ed.]
Edmundo Ros 1910 - Bandleader and singer. Let’s have a clip. Here's Cuban Love Song.
John Hawkesworth 1920 - TV producer.
Rosemary Squires 1928 - Singer. Another clip? Why not. If you are British, you’ll recognise this clip of her singing for an advert back in 1969.
Stan Boardman 1937 - Comedian, it says here.
Kenneth Colley 1937 - Actor. Admiral Piett in Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back. 158 credits on IMDb.
Julia Sutton 1938 - Actress and singer. Flo in Half a Sixpence.
Ian Ure 1939 - Fitba guy.
Bill Stewart 1942 - Actor. Sandy Longford in A Touch of Frost.
Sue Johnson 1943 - Actress. Dr. Grace Foley in Waking the Dead.
Clive Russell 1945 - Actor. Brynden ‘Blackfish’ Tully in Game of Thrones. 204 credits on IMDb. Eat that, Colley!
Rosalind Ayres 1946 - Actress. Sandra Brockman in Outnumbered.
Wendy Padbury 1947 - Actress. Zoe Heriot in Doctor Who.
Mike Nolan 1954 - Singer. One quarter of Bucks Fizz. A clip? Indeed. Here’s the group’s last top ten hit, New Beginning.
Tim Butler 1958 - Musician. A Psychedelic Fur. A clip? Why not. Here’s Heaven.
Craig Scanlon 1960 - Musician. A member of The Fall. Shall we have another little clip? I think we shall. Here’s a track called Hit The North.
Colin Hendry 1965 - Fitba guy.
Colin ‘Gem’ Archer 1966 - Musician. A member of Oasis. I think another clip is in order. Here’s one he wrote, Hung In A Bad Place.
Lindy Layton 1970 - Singer. A founding member of Beats International. Let’s have another clip. Here’s Dub Be Good To Me.
Phil Cunningham 1974 - Musician. A member of New Order. Another clip? You’re darned tooting. Here’s Krafty.
Nicole Appleton 1974 - Singer. An All Saint. Time for another clip. Here’s Black Coffee.
Luke Donald 1977 - Golfy bloke.
Dominic Howard 1977 - Musician. He is drummer/percussionist for Muse. Have a clip. Here’s Kill or Be Killed.
Kenny Arthur 1978 - Fitba guy.
John Terry 1980 - Footy bloke.
Jonathan ‘J.B.’ Gill 1986 - Singer. He is a member of Jack the Lad Swing which is, apparently, what the letters JLS stand for. See? Educational, this is. I think we’ll have another clip. Here’s Postcard.
Nicholas Hoult 1989 - Actor. Peter III in The Great.
Righty ho, what about the 14th of December? Any famous folk born on that date?
George VI 1895 - The well-known king.
Guy Middleton 1907 - Actor. His speciality was as dapper scoundrels. Simon Russell in Laughter in Paradise.
Larence Naismith 1908 - Actor. Captain Edward John Smith in A Night to Remember.
Michael Bilton 1919 - Actor. Ned in To the Manor Born.
Janet Brown 1923 - Actress and impressionist.
Margaret John 1926 - Actress. Gwen Harries in The District Nurse.
Alan Rowe 1926 - Actor. Wyebrow in Paradise Postponed.
Barbara Leigh-Hunt 1935 - Actress. Brenda Blaney in Frenzy.
Janette Scott 1938 - Actress. April Smith in School for Scoundrels. Thora Hird’s lass, you know.
Frank Allen 1943 - Musician. He was bassist with Cliff Bennett and the Rebel Rousers before joining The Searchers. Now then, which clip should we have? How about this, When You Walk in the Room.
Jane Birkin 1946 - Actress and singer. Shall we have a clip of that song? Hmm... It got banned by the Beeb; perhaps not. Oh, sod it. Go on then, here’s Je t'aime... Moi non plus.
John Du Prez 1946 - Musician and composer. As well as his career as a film score composer, he was a member of the band called Modern Romance. Shall we have a clip? Yes? Yes. Here’s a tune featuring him on trumpet, Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White. Just ignore the scary man at the start.
Cliff Williams 1949 - Musician. He is bassist with AC/DC. Shall we have another clip? I think we shall. Here’s Damnation.
Vicki Michelle 1950 - Actress. Yvette Carte-Blanche in Allo Allo.
Linda Fabiani 1956 - Politician.
Mike Scott 1956 - Musician. Frontman of The Waterboys. This gives me the excuse to give you a clip of one of my favourite toons. I’ve probably included it before, so sorry about that, but it is just so damned brilliant. Ladeez and genellum I give you, The Whole of the Moon.
Harry James 1960 - Musician. For a time, he was the drummer for Magnum. [Ooh, I like them, especially the dark chocolate version. - Ed.] The band, not the ice cream. Here’s a taster [Are you sure you’re not talking about the ice cream? - Ed.], ahem, Brand New Morning.
Chris Waddle 1960 - Footy bloke who just happened to also have a hit record as part of a duo with Glenn Hoddle. This is the non-hit follow up to Diamond Lights, It's Goodbye.
Toby Anstis 1968 - Radio presenter.
Greg Hemphill 1969 - Comedian, actor, writer and director. Victor McDade in Still Game.
Beth Orton 1970 - Musician. Have another clip. Here’s her best-performing single Stolen Car. [Very apt at this time of year: a car made of Christmas cake. - Ed.] What? That's stollen!
Miranda Hart 1972 - Actress, comedian and writer.
Allan Johnston 1973 - Fitba guy.
Robert Rinder 1974 - TV presenter and former barrister. [Did he work for Costa? Starbucks? - Ed.]
Michael Owen 1979 - Footy bloke.
Gordon Greer 1980 - Fitba guy.
Leanne Mitchell 1983 - Singer. Anyone remember her? She won the first series of The Voice in 2012. After securing a record deal, success was assured. Wasn’t it? The record company dropped her in 2014. This was her only record to chart, although it peaked at number 45, Run to You.
Chris Brunt 1984 - Footy blook, so he is.
Kedar Williams-Stirling 1994 - Actor. Jackson Marchetti in Sex Education.
Yan Dhanda 1998 - Footy bloke.
And now... the 21st of December. Were any fairly famous folk born on that date?
Thomas Becket 1119 - The well-known Archbishop of Canterbury and saint.
Jack Russell 1795 - He of dog-breeding fame.
Raich Carter 1913 - Footy bloke.
Gerard Glaister 1915 - Writer, producer and director. He wrote, produced and directed The Expert.
Ivor Dean 1917 - Actor. Inspector/Chief Inspector Teal in The Saint.
Roy Ewans 1917 - Aerodynamicist (They can’t touch you for it.) Designer of the Avro Vulcan B2 aircraft.
Frank Hampson 1918 - Illustrator. Creator of Dan Dare, Pilot of the Future.
Sheila Reid 1937 - Actress. Madge Harvey in Benidorm.
John Quayle 1938 - Actor. Seemed to specialise in upper-class nitwit type roles. Major Willoughby-Gore in Farrington of the F. O.
Greville Starkey 1939 - Horse racey bloke.
Malcolm Hebden 1939 - Actor. Norris Cole in Coronation Street.
Albert Lee aka Mr. Telecaster 1943 - Musician. Time for another clip. Here’s Heads, Hands and feet with Country Boy.
Jane How 1950 - Actress. Helen Latimer in Don’t Wait Up.
Steve Perryman 1951 - Footy bloke.
Bobby Smith 1953 - Fitba guy.
András Schiff 1953 - Pianist and conductor. Time furra wee bit cult’yer. Here’s J.S. Bach: English Suite No. 2 In A Minor, BWV 807: 1. Prelude
Nicola Cowper 1967 - Actress. D. S. Helen Diamond in Dangerfield.
Catherine Cusack 1968 - Actress. Frankie Sullivan in Ballykissangel. Cyril’s lass.
Amanda Drew 1969 - Actress. Yvonne MacPherson in A Very British Scandal.
Derren Litten 1970 - Comedy writer, actor and director. He created and wrote Benidorm.
Jamie Theakston 1970 - TV and radio presenter.
Daniel Brocklebank 1979 - Actor. Billy Mayhew in Coronation Street.
Sajid Mahmood 1981 - Crickety bloke.
Alexander Arnold 1992 - Actor. Jim Carter in Poldark.
Ben Chilwell 1996 - Footy bloke.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Mike Scott of the Gramblerboys,
It was wonderful to hear that wonderful song of yours, The Whole of the Moon. Have you released anything recently? What was your last single?
Yours Lunartically,
.....oooOooo.....
Gramble time...
How did our last bet with Krodbales fare? We won but, again, only ish. Three predictions were right so the amount won was a £1.92 pees from our £2.20 stake. So, we didn’t lose too much. What happened? Read on
Nottingham Forest vs Ipswich - Home win
Result - Nottingham Forest 1 Ipswich 0
Yay!
Chris Wood scored the only goal of this game, but was forced to wait until the 49th minute for his first effort on goal, which came from the penalty spot after Sam Szmodics brought down Jota Silva.
Forest came close to adding a second four minutes after Wood scored, but Arijanet Muric tipped brilliantly on to the crossbar from Murillo's header.
Substitute Jack Clarke looked to keep alive Ipswich's chances but his swept effort inside the box was timid and proved no danger to Matz Sels.
Ipswich began the game with confidence and Omari Hutchinson's drive at goal forced Matz Sels into a fine save low to his right.
Forest were flat in the first half but flew out of the blocks for the second period.
After a well worked move, Silva found himself just inside the box as Szmodics was over-enthusiastic in his attempts to win the ball before Wood dispatched his spot kick high into the middle of the goal.
Brentford vs Leicester - Home win
Result - Brentford 4 Leicester 1
Yay!
Kevin Schade netted a hat-trick as Brentford thumped the Foxes.
Schade's treble added to Yoane Wissa's equaliser in the first half after Facundo Buonanotte's 21st-minute goal put the Foxes ahead against the run of play.
The dominant Bees were 3-1 ahead by half-time with Wissa and Schade firing them in front within eight minutes of going behind.
Schade, who was also denied an early opener by a fine Mads Hermansen save, added a third in first-half stoppage time.
Crystal Palace vs Newcastle - Away win
Result - Crystal Palace 1 Newcastle 1
Ooh! ’It the woodwork!
Daniel Munoz scored a stoppage-time equaliser as Crystal Palace denied Newcastle victory. Boo!
Munoz, who missed a glorious chance early in the game which have given the hosts a first-half lead, beat Nick Pope with a towering far-post header with just over 90 seconds of stoppage time left to play.
A share of the spoils was the least Palace deserved after creating the better opportunities against a Newcastle side who registered just one attempt at goal and none on target.
In a poor first half, Trevoh Chalobah fired over from long range and Ismaila Sarr forced a fine save out of Pope, before Munoz somehow failed to hit the target from Sarr's low ball across the face of goal.
Newcastle offered next to nothing as an attacking force but took the lead eight minutes into the second half, when Marc Guehi turned Anthony Gordon's low cross into his own net following a well-worked free-kick.
Munoz was then thwarted by a brilliant block from Magpies defender Dan Burn after Sarr's deflected effort was saved by Pope.
Guehi was also denied by Pope from a tight angle and striker Jean-Philippe Mateta blazed over from close range.
But Guehi and Munoz made amends for their earlier misfortune by combining for the late leveller.
Guehi's cross picked out his team-mate to head home.
Watford vs QPR - Home win
Result - Watford 0 QPR 0
Oh no! ’It the woodwork again!
Hornets goalkeeper Daniel Bachmann did superbly to block Zan Celar's crisp close-range volley and Liam Morrison blazed the rebound over as QPR had much the better of the first half.
The visitors were also unlucky not to earn a penalty kick when Ryan Porteous swung an arm towards the ball from a dangerous Hoops set-piece.
Watford were much improved after the break and went close to a late winner when Imran Louza's free-kick struck the underside of the bar and bounced clear.
But the Hoops twice went close to a late winner, with Harrison Ashby skewing a shot wide when one-on-one and Celar crashing a shot against the outside of the right-hand post in a frantic finale.
QPR created chances but forced just one save from Bachmann, with Nicolas Madsen side-footing a glorious first-half chance well wide.
Watford's defence struggled to cope with set-pieces and were fortunate not to concede a penalty kick before the break when Ryan Porteous swung an arm towards the ball.
Sub Kwadwo Baah’s downward header soon after the break drew the first meaningful save from Paul Nardi.
The Hoops keeper came off his line smartly to block Giorgi Chakvetadze's close-range strike and then did well to turn Louza's curling effort around the post, with Vakoun Bayo lurking.
Norwich vs Luton - Home win
Result - Norwich 4 Luton 2
Yay!
Ante Crnac scored two goals and set up another as Norwich City edged an error-strewn contest.
Elijah Adebayo pounced on Anis Slimane's poor back pass to fire Luton ahead, but Crnac scored twice in eight minutes to give Norwich the advantage at half-time.
Luton were level when City failed to deal with Shandon Baptiste's corner, allowing Jacob Brown to slot in.
But Crnac burst into the box and squared for Emiliano Marcondes to tap in City's third, and Borja Sainz smashed in a fourth to seal the win.
Having been handed the lead, the Hatters underlined their fragility as they made a hash of clearing a long ball to allow Crnac to fire Norwich level before Jack Stacey robbed Tahith Chong as he shepherded the ball towards the byline and teed up the Croatian for his second.
Luton seemed to be hanging on as goalkeeper Thomas Kaminski palmed away Shane Duffy's goalbound header, but Norwich's defence returned the Hatters charity to gift the visitors an equaliser soon after the break through Brown.
Adebayo then headed a Carlton Morris cross narrowly over.
Yet it was a moment of quality - in contrast to the first four goals - that put Norwich back in front as Crnac shrugged off a challenge, burst into the box, and switched the ball to his right foot to square for Marcondes.
Sainz had hit a good early chance into the side-netting, but duly added late gloss, smashing in an Onel Hernadez cross at the near post.
Well, that all happened three weeks ago; I wonder what The Grambler has in his/her/its prediction bag of goodies this week...
Game - Result - Odds
Ipswich vs Newcastle - Away win - 8/11
Cardiff vs Sheffield Utd. - Away win - 21/20
Burnley vs Watford - Home win - 4/6
Sunderland vs Norwich - Home win - 17/20
Lincoln vs Reading - Home win - 5/6
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
£10.64
Nah... not whopping enough.
.....oooOooo.....
Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Lyon in 1987. A striker, I began my senior career at Lyon, playing for Lyon II before playing in the first 11. I moved to Real Madrid and in 14 seasons played 439 games scoring 238 goals. I was capped 97 times. I won the Ballon d’Or in 2022.
Answer - Karim Benzema
2. Which English football club are known as The Exiles?
Answer - Newport County (Also known as The Ironsides, The Port and The Black and Ambers.)
3. Who is the only manager to win the Champions League on five occasions?
Answer - Carlo Ancelotti (Twice with A. C. Milan and three times with Real Madrid.)
4. Who is the current Crystal Palace captain?
Answer - Marc Guéhi
5. Which club plays home games at Ochilview Park?
Answer - Stenhousemuir
Shall we have five festive teasers for this week? Yes, let’s, although I don’t know about the festive bit.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Eindhoven in 1999. A left-winger, I began my senior career at PSV in the reserve team before moving up to the first team. I joined my present club, Liverpool, at the start of 2023 for a fee of over 40 million euros. I have been capped for Netherlands 36 times.
2. Which of these players made the most appearances for Manchester United? Paul Scholes, Gary Neville, Wayne Rooney
3. The Football League Cup is currently sponsored by Carabao Energy Drink, but which company sponsored the cup in 1981, the first year of sponsorship?
4. Which club is currently managed by Claudio Ranieri?
5. Which club plays home games at Station Park?
There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
.....oooOooo.....
Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK
.....oooOooo.....
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s). Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. We have now smashed through the 80 thousand barrier. Yay! The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...
£81,483
…..oooOooo…..
And Finally...
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr D. Litten, who is briefly in this week’s slightly off the wall finishing item. You may not know the name of Derren Litten but you probably know the face; he has appeared as an actor in many top British dramas and comedy shows over the past 30 years. He was also co-written for The Catherine Tate Show, The Green Grass and Psychobitches. He created and wrote The Spa and Scarborough. However, his biggest success was undoubtedly Benidorm, a sitcom that he created, wrote and (occasionally) appeared in. It ran to ten series over eleven years. He wrote 70 episodes out of the total of 74. So we should finish with some clips from that show, don’t you think? But, we’re not going to. I told you this week’s finisher was going to be a little different. See how many faces you recognise in this, the official video for Faith No More’s I Started a Joke (Derren Litten is the MC.)
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
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