Post 506 - Grambling on the bus

 Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story Time

On Sunday, Mrs G and I visited the big city, Glasgow. [How lovely for you both. Yawn. - Ed.] We went by bus. They say that half the fun of going to places is the journey itself. That was certainly the case on Sunday.

When we got on the bus, it was pretty much empty, but our attention was drawn to a young woman sitting towards the back. The first noticeable thing was that she was decked out in green and white. This being the day after Celtic won the SFA Cup, she was wearing Celtic gear from head to toe. The second thing of note was her voice - loud. She was talking on her mobile phone to someone. The third thing to note was her language - foul. Every sentence she spoke contained the word f***. Sometimes, just to make things a bit more interesting, the f word got an 'ing' added.

The bus stopped to pick up some folk [Get away! - Ed.] and one individual was... how should I put this?... the worse for wear. He was either addled with drugs, or drink, or indeed, both. He shouted something incomprehensible to the driver and seemed satisfied with the response so climbed onto the bus. He struggled to make his way towards the back of the bus, treating us to a bit of pole dancing en route as the bus set off, and sat himself down somewhere near the potty-mouthed young lady.

By this time she had finished her phone call. The completely-off-his-box guy decided to engage her in conversation.

We could make out most of what she said; she seemed to be heading to Celtic Park (or a pub nearby) for some big celebration. We couldn't make out much of what the guy was saying other than he seemed to be at war with just about every member of his family. I'm not surprised about that, if his current state was an indication of his interpretation of normality at Sunday lunch time.

After a while both got off the bus. Things were quiet for a time until a few young mothers got on the bus with their offspring in tow. Three mums with four children. The kids were all aged about two or three and all were exceedingly grumpy. I thought the girl on the phone was loud until I heard four grizzly children crying with as much volume as their little lungs could muster.
Thankfully, we got off the bus before we succumbed to headaches.

The actual place we were going that day was quiet and dull in comparison to our time on the bus.

We were going to take the bus home later in the day and decided to avoid any that were going anywhere near Celtic Park, figuring that any revellers might be heading homewards. So, we made our way to the bus-stop where the number 6 bus was due. My reason for mentioning the bus number is relevant to this story, because our journey home could have ended up worse than the journey into the city.

Let me explain. As we sat at the stop waiting for the bus to come, a young woman with a small child (grizzly, naturally) sat next to us.

We actually heard her approaching because she was conducting a phone call on her mobile. The child was being totally ignored and though he was crying quite loudly, his sobs were drowned out by his mother's voice. I told you the girl on the bus was loud; this individual had what used to be known as a foghorn voice. Think Ethel Merman multiplied by Brian Blessed and you might go some way towards imagining just how loud she was. Folk walking along on the other side of the street were staring at her. I do believe I even saw a driver passing by do a double take even though the car's windows were all shut.

I also mentioned that the girl on the bus was foul-mouthed; this woman was worse. Even though she had a small child beside her, she didn't temper her language. We were treated to words beginning with f, b and even the occasional c bomb.

She was still talking as a bus turned the corner and approached us. I saw the number 6 and made to move and so did she. Please no. Please don't get on the same bus as us. She put her hand out to signal the bus to stop. Gulp.

It was only then that I realised the bus was, in fact, a number 61. Phew.
She moved to get on the bus and I wondered what lay in store for her little boy in life... and those passengers on the bus.

As she was getting on, she was still screaming into the phone and uttered the words, 'The c*** says Ah'm a b****** and Ah'm no a f****** b******, umma.'

I thought, yes you are and a noisy one at that.

You'll be pleased to learn that our bus journey home was incident free... and totally boring.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 25th of May? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Lauri Wylie 1880 - Author.

Alf Common 1880 - Footy bloke. The first player to be transferred for £1000, moving from Sunderland to Middlesbrough in 1905.

Miles Malleson 1888 - Actor and writer. Old Joe in Scrooge.

Joseph Smith 1897 - Aircraft designer. Took over the design of the Spitfire plane after the death of R.J. Mitchell in 1937.

Ralph Reader 1903 - Actor, theatrical producer and songwriter who was known for staging the original Scouts Gang Show. You may know this song that he wrote. He was no Fred Astaire, was he?

Donald McLean 1913 - I spy with my little eye.

Richard Dimbleby 1913 - Broadcaster.

Derek Cooper 1925 - Journalist and broadcaster.

Biddy Baxter 1933 - TV producer best known as editor of Blue Peter.

Basil Moss 1935 - Actor. Alan Drew in Compact.

Ian McKellen 1939 - Ectaw, dear leddie. Mel Hutchwright in Coronation Street.

Ron Davies 1942 - Footy bloke, isn’t it.

John ‘Poli’ Palmer 1943 - Musician. He was in the first band I ever saw live, Family. Have a clip. Here’s Poli on lead vocals with Larf and Sing.

Frank Oz 1944 - Puppeteer and actor. Miss Piggy, that was him.

Stephanie Turner 1944 - Actress. Jean Darblay in Juliet Bravo.

Michael ‘Pasty’ Harris 1944 - Crickety bloke.

Dave Lee Travis 1945 - A hairy cornflake.

David Jenkins 1952 - Disgraced runny bloke.

Helen Terry 1956 - Singer. Would you like a clip? Here she is with Culture Club out-singing Boy George on Church of the Poisoned Mind.

Mark McGhee 1957 - Footy bloke. Ex-Motherwell manager, you know.

Paul Weller 1958 - Musician. A clip? Why soitenly. Here’s From The Floorboards Up.

Julian Clary 1959 - Comedian.

Anthea Turner 1960 - TV presenter and media personality, it says here.

Simon Fowler 1965 - Musician. Frontman with Ocean Colour Scene. Here’s the band’s best-performing single, Hundred Mile High City.

Dougie Freedman 1974 - Fitba guy.

Jonny Wilkinson 1979 - Rugby bloke.

Geraint Thomas 1986 - Bike racey bloke.

James Morrison 1986 - Fitba guy.

 

Okeydokey, how about a few from the 1st of June?

John Masefield 1878 - Poet.

Robert Newton 1905 - Aaaarrrr, Jim lad, Oi be an actor, Oi be. Can you guess which part he was famous for?

Frank Whittle 1907 - Inventor of the jet engine.

Percy Edwards 1908 - Animal impressionist.

Bill Deedes 1913 - Politician and journalist.

Michael Cummings 1919 - Right-wing cartoonist.

Aubrey Morris 1926 - Jobbing actor. Deltoid in A Clockwork Orange. 166 credits on IMDb.

Bob Monkhouse 1928 - Entertainer.

Edward Woodward 1930 - Actor. Callan in... erm... Callan.

John McGrath 1935 - Playwright. He helped establish the 7:84 theatre company.

Norman Foster 1935 - Architect.

Gerald Scarfe 1936 - Cartoonist.

Brian Cox 1946 - Actor. Logan Roy in Succession.

Glyn Pardoe 1946 - Footy bloke. Manchester City’s youngest ever player.

Ronnie Wood 1947 - Musician. Guitarist with The Rolling Stones. A clip? Why not. Here’s Start Me Up.

Jan Harvey 1947 - Actress. Jan Howard in Howards’ Way.

Jonathan Pryce 1947 - Actor. Pope Francis in The Two Popes.

Danny McAlinden 1947 - Boxy bloke.

Tom Robinson 1950 - Musician and broadcaster. A clip? Of course. Now what shall we have? It’s got to be the song played at Stewart's funeral, 2-4-6-8 Motorway.

...And it's 2-4-6-8 b***** traffic jam

Martin Brundle 1959 - Racey car bloke.

Alan Wilder 1959 - Musician and former member of Depeche Mode. Would you like another clip? Of course you would. Here’s a track from his offshoot band, Recoil, Faith Healer.

Simon Gallup 1960 - Musician. Bassist with The Cure. What? You want another clip? Aye, go on then. Here’s Close to Me.

Mike Joyce 1963 - Musician. He was the drummer with The Smiths. Here’s yet another clip, Sheila Take a Bow.

Nigel Short 1965 - Chess player.

Daniel Casey 1972 - Actor. Gavin Troy in Midsomer Murders.

René Zagger 1975 - Actor. Nick Klein in The Bill.

Kate Magowan 1975 - Actress. Helen Jensen in Dream Team.

Kellie Bright 1976 - Actress. Linda Carter in Eastenders. You slaaag!

Marlon Devonish 1976 - Athleticky bloke who is a bit like an English county.

Lisa Jackson 1979 - Actress. Janice Pearce in Dirk Gently.

Danny Walters 1993 - Actor. Tiger Dyke in Benidorm.

Tom Holland 1996 - Actor. Basically, he plays Peter Parker aka Spider-Man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Gramblie Wood,

Interesting that the choice of clip made was a Stones’ track; I would have thought one of the songs from your days with the Faces would have been picked. Surely, the most likely song would have been the one that you co-wrote with Ronnie Lane that you provided the vocals for. Unfortunately, I can’t recall its title. Can you help?

Yours absent-mindedly,

Hugh Lala.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did our last bet with Dorkables fare? We won... again. Brilliant, or what? [What, I think. - Ed.] Three out of five predictions were right so, from our £2.20 stake we won £2.68. Let’s not bother with the details and get on to this week’s predictions which are all matches taking place in the Swedish Leagues. Yes, I know that‘s breaking my own rules again but, hey ho. So what has The Grambler come up with for this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Torslanda vs Tvaakers - Away win - 6/5

Lunds vs Jonkopings Sodra - Home win - 4/7

Ariana vs BK Olympic - Home win - 4/6

Angelholms vs Onsala - Home win - Evens

Orebro Syrianska vs Karlbergs - Home win - 5/6

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£11.08

Hmm, whopping but not too whopping.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Reading in 1997. A striker, I began my senior career at Chelsea but played only one game and was loaned to Vitesse. I then signed for Liverpool. I signed for my present club, bournemouth in 2019.

Answer - Dominic Solanke

2. During the 2023-24 season, who was the only man to win the Premier League manager of the month award on more than one occasion?

Answer - Ange Postecoglou [That’s easy for you to say. - Ed.]

3. Sticking with the Premier League, which is the only club which did not concede an own goal during the 2023-24 season?

Answer - Brentford

4. Which team in the English League Division One drew the most games in the 2023-24 season?

Answer - Charlton Athletic (20)

5. Which club plays its home games at the snappily titled Poundland Bescot Stadium?

Answer - Walsall

Let’s have five for this week...

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1997 in Wandsworth. A winger, I began my senior career at Charlton Athletic before moving to Everton. I was loaned out to, and eventually signed for, Leipzig. During my time there I was loaned out to Fulham and Leicester City. I moved to my present club, Atalanta, in 2022. Although capped for England under 19, 20 and 21 games, at senior level, I play for Nigeria. The giveaway clue? I scored a hat-trick in the 2024 Europa League final.

2. Let’s talk promotions. How many times have Southampton been promoted to the Premier League?

3. As expected, Erling Haaland scored the most Premier League goals (27) in season 2023-4, but who came second with 22?

4. How many times has the Champions League final been contested between two English clubs and which clubs were involved?

5. Which club has just been promoted to the Football League from the National League for the first time in its history?

There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).  Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...

£76,131

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. R. Monkhouse for this week’s climax [Ooer, missus. - Ed.]. Bob Monkhouse was a very popular comedian whose career covered over 60 years. Some people thought him a bit smarmy, but there was no doubting, he knew a good joke when he saw one. Let us finish, then, with a selection of his rib-ticklers...

"We were so poor mother had to sleep with a rag and bone man so we could have balloons for Christmas."

"Everybody laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now."

"I still enjoy sex at 68. Well I live at number 66 it's no distance."

"The farmer next door came out and said 'I'd like you to meet my wife and sister.' And there was just the one woman standing there."

"They say marriage is a great institution. So is Dartmoor and Broadmoor."

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers."

"I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights."

"A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilots ribs and demanded: 'take me to the canaries.'"

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."

"My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'."

"I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!"

"What do gardeners do when they retire?"

"My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo."

"Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money."

"last week my wife served me something for dinner that was so foul I gave it to the dog, and he licked his arse to get the taste out of his mouth."

Referencing a Lakeside venue: "This place has style. You want bread; a bread waiter comes over to your table and gives you bread. A water waiter comes over and gives you water. A head waiter comes over and gives you the perfect service."

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.