Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Story Time
Once again, I have to apologise for the fact that you haven’t had your weekly dose of drivel from The Grambler. I have been rather busy with quite a lot of time spent away from home.
I've just returned from visiting an old friend. Dave, for that is his name, and I have known each other since our first day at school, so it is, indeed, a lasting friendship.
We reminisced about some amusing moments, naturally. It is one such memory I wish to relate here.
Stop me if you've heard it before...
Cue ethereal harp music... Way back in the mists of time, four nineteen year old lads were embarking on an evening of drinking. I was one of the four. So was Dave. We tended to drink in a pub near where we all lived, but, on this occasion, we thought we'd try somewhere different.
The date of this night out, I can't remember, but I do recall it was blibbing cold.
Three of us were dressed in whatever was the accepted form of dress for young men at the time; probably denims and an anorak. Dave was dressed, how can I put this... differently. First, a bit of sartorial history.
When we were pupils at our secondary school, we wore our own form of trendy attire. [Is this relevant? - Ed.] Indeed it is. The outfit was not the school uniform of grey trousers, white shirt and blazer. Oh no. The outfit was as follows. Trousers - Levi 'Stayprest'; shoes - Terry Oxfords; shirt - Ben Sherman and pullover - crew necked with Fair Isle yoke. It was supposed to be our way of cocking a snook at authority. The daft thing was that while refusing to wear school uniform, we were all decked out the same as each other in our own 'uniform'.
The outfit was invariably finished off with our idea of a trendy coat. A trendy coat? What could that be, I hear you ask. A duffel coat. Yes, I know that in those days, a duffel coat was worn by just about every school child and his dog. However, the coat that went with our uniform had to be of the correct hue and produced by the same maker. Gloverall was the brand and the colour had to be either fawn or blue. Any other brand or colour was just wrong.
Now, the reason I mention all of this is that, although this gear was trendy amongst school kids, it was anything but if an older person were to wear it and that brings me back to the story of our night out. Dave chose to wear his blue duffel coat on this particular cold evening. He, therefore, looked like a school kid. In fact, with his glasses, he looked as if he should have still been in short trousers. He also decided to wear gloves to keep his hands warm... navy blue and hand-knitted (by his mum, probably). It wouldn't have surprised me if there had been a length of string linking the gloves through the sleeves of his coat so that he couldn't lose them.
So, there we were, four nineteen year old lads, three of whom looked nineteen and one who looked about twelve.
It was in the days before identification cards and none of us had anything as exotic as a passport. You can imagine what transpired.
At the first booze boutique, we asked for four pints of lager. [No packet of crisps? - Ed.] The barman looked us up and down and picked up a glass before he spotted Dave.
'How old are you?' he asked me.
'Nineteen.'
'And him?' he asked, pointing at Dave.
'Same.'
'Nah. Can't serve you.'
'But we are nineteen.'
'Sorry, can't oblige.'
We left the pub making various disparaging comments about Paddington Bear spoiling our evening. We had never been questioned about our age; getting a knock back in this way was a first.
'Why don't we try the Calderwood Bar?' I suggested. 'My mate Kenny drinks in there. We're bound to get served.'
So off we went. Three guys of drinking age and the Milky Bar kid.
We entered the bar and, sure enough, Kenny was there. The barman looked at us and, especially, Dave.
'Out,' he suggested in a rather forceful manner.
'But we're all nineteen,' we protested.
'Out.'
'My mate Kenny's over there. I work next to him and have done for over two years. Ask him how old we are. He'll tell you.'
Then, to Kenny, 'Kenny, this bar steward won't serve us. Tell him our age.'
'No problem. Er... how old are you?'
Not surprisingly, we didn't get served.
We headed back to our usual drinking den and got served without any hassle.
I'm not sure what became of Dave's duffel coat and woolly gloves ensemble, but I do know that he never again wore it on those occasions where alcohol was involved.
.....oooOooo.....
Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 27th of July? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
Hilaire Belloc 1870 - Writer. As well as serious writings, produced some humorous work. Here is a tale from his Cautionary Tales for Children - Jim: Who ran away from his Nurse, and was eaten by a Lion.
There was a Boy whose name was Jim;
His Friends were very good to him.
They gave him Tea, and Cakes, and Jam,
And slices of delicious Ham,
And Chocolate with
pink inside,
And little Tricycles to ride,
And read him Stories through and through,
And even took him to the Zoo—
But there it was the dreadful Fate
Befel him, which I now relate.
You know—at least you ought to know,
For I have often told you so—
That Children never are allowed
To leave their Nurses in a Crowd;
Now this was Jim's especial Foible,
He ran away when he was able,
And
on this inauspicious day
He slipped his hand and ran away!
He hadn't gone a yard when—Bang!
With open Jaws, a Lion sprang,
And hungrily began to eat
The Boy: beginning at his feet.
Now, just imagine how it feels
When first your toes and then your heels,
And then by gradual degrees,
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees,
Are slowly eaten,
bit by bit.
No wonder Jim detested it!
No wonder that he shouted "Hi!"
The Honest Keeper heard his cry,
Though very fat he almost ran
To help the little gentleman.
"Ponto!"
he ordered as he came
(For Ponto was the Lion's name),
"Ponto!" he cried, with angry Frown.
"Let go, Sir! Down, Sir! Put it down!"
The Lion made a sudden Stop,
He let the Dainty Morsel drop,
And slunk reluctant to his Cage,
Snarling with Disappointed Rage.
But when he bent him over Jim,
The
Honest Keeper's Eyes were dim.
The Lion having reached his Head,
The Miserable Boy was dead!
When Nurse informed his Parents, they
Were more Concerned than I can say:—
His Mother, as She dried her eyes,
Said, "Well—it gives me no surprise,
He
would not do as he was told!"
His Father, who was self-controlled,
Bade all the children round attend
To James' miserable end,
And always keep a-hold of Nurse
For fear of finding something
worse.
Wise words there, mate.
Geoffrey de Havilland 1882 - Aircraft engineer.
Max Faulkner 1916 - Golfy bloke.
Harry Towb 1925 - Actor, so he was. Starred in There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman so he did. 194 credits on IMDb so he has.
Jack Higgins 1929 - Orfer. Wrote 85 novels including The Eagle has Landed.
Shirley Williams 1930 - Politician.
Andy White 1930 - Jobbing drummer. He did session work for many acts of the 60s and 70s. Perhaps his biggest claim to fame was playing drums on the Beatles first single, Love me Do, instead of Ringo.
Anna Dawson 1937 - Actress. Violet in Keeping Up Appearances.
John Button 1941 - Racey car bloke. Jenson’s dad.
Tony Calder 1943 - Record manager, impresario, talent-spotter, promoter and public relations agent. In fact... all together now... a right old smarty boots.
Tony Capstick 1944 - Comedian, actor, musician and broadcaster. He had a hit record, you know. He did an’ all. Here’s Capstick Comes Home.
Rory Macdonald 1949 - Musician. Bassist with Runrig. Here’s a song you’ll recognise, Rhythm of My Heart.
Simon Jones 1950 - Actor. Arthur Dent in the radio and TV versions of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Robert Duncan 1952 - Actor. Gus Hedges in Drop the Dead Donkey.
Mark Stanway 1954 - Musician. He was the keyboardist with Magnum... the band, not the ice cream or, indeed, the series with Tom Sellick. Anyway, have a clip. Here’s Just Like an Arrow.
Gary Birtles 1956 - Footy bloke.
David East 1957 - Crickety bloke.
Christopher Dean 1958 - Ice dancy bloke.
Jo Durie 1960 - Tennisy bloke.
Gabrielle Glaister 1960 - Actress. Mmm...Bob in Blackadder II. Only Blackadder fans will understand that.
Tom Kerridge 1973 - TV chef.
Tracy Shaw 1973 - Actress. Maxine Heavey/Peacock in Coronation Street.
Jonathan Rhys Mayers 1977 - Actor. Henry VIII in The Tudors.
Neil Harbisson 1984 - Cyborg. Seriously.
Now then, what about anyone born on the 3rd of August? There must be somebody famous.
Joseph Paxton 1803 - Gardener, architect, engineer and MP. Not only did he design the Crystal Palace for the Great Exhibition of 1851, he is responsible for cultivating the Cavendish banana. Unusual mix of careers.
William Kennedy Dickson 1860 - Screenwriter, photographer, actor, engineer, inventor, cinematographer, acting, camera operator, film director and film producer. In fact, a right old etc.. His claim to fame is that he devised an early motion picture camera. He worked for Thomas Edison at the time so guess who took the credit.
Stanley Baldwin 1867 - Politician.
Rupert Brooke 1887 - Poet.
Leslie Henson 1891 - Comedian and actor. Amos Purdie in The Sport of Kings.
Denis Carey 1909 - Actor. Morton - Archbishop of Canterbury in The Shadow of the Tower.
Donald Bisset 1910 - Actor. J.P. Morgan in Ragtime.
Phylis ‘P.D.’ James 1920 - Orferess.
Norman Dewis 1920 - Test driver for Jaguar Cars.
Rona Anderson 1926 - Actress. Alice in Scrooge (1951).
Edward Petherbridge 1936 - Actor. Lord Peter Wimsey in A Dorothy L. Sayers Mystery.
Steven Berkoff 1937 - Actor, playwright, author and director. Orlov in Octopussy.
Terry Wogan 1938 - Radio and TV presenter.
Jimmie Nicol 1939 - Drummer whose claim to fame was that he stood in for Ringo Starr for a series of Beatles concerts in 1964. Er... that’s it.
Stuart Golland 1945 - Actor. George Ward in Heartbeat.
Gered Mankowitz 1946 - Photographer of the stars including Jimmy Hendrix, the Rolling Stones and Kate Bush.
Jack Straw 1946 - Politician.
Jacki Piper 1948 - Actress. Often played the ‘dolly bird’ in Carry On films and their ilk.
Kirk Brandon 1956 - Singer-songwriter. He was frontman for the bands Theatre of Hate and Spear of Destiny. Have a clip. Here’s Spear of Destiny’s most successful single, Never Take Me Alive.
Maurice Malpas 1962 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell manager.
Tasmin Archer 1963 - Singer-songwriter. Have a clip. Here’s her only top ten single, Sleeping Satellite.
Deborah Dyer aka Skin 1967 - Singer-songwriter. Frontlady of Skunk Anansie. Here’s the band’s best performing single (It reached number two in Switzerland.), Hedonism.
Andrew Lancel 1970 - Actor. Steve James in Unforgotten.
Stephen Graham 1973 - Actor. Scrum in the Pirates of the Caribbean films.
|Dougie Imrie 1983 - Fitba guy.
Chris Ramsay 1986 - Comedian. With his wife presents arguably Britain’s favourite podcast, Sh*gged, Married, Annoyed.
James Baxter 1990 - Actor. Leroy in Still Open All Hours.
And now... the 10th of August.
Gerald Bright aka Geraldo 1904 - Bandleader. His band was called the Gaucho Tango Orchestra. In those days, all bands heard on radio or record seemed to have their own signature tune, and here is Geraldo’s: Hello Again.
Marjorie Proops 1911 - [I’ll bet she does. d’you get it? Proops. No? Please yourself. - Ed.] Journalist.
Martin Benson 1918 - Actor. Seemed to specialise in smooth and oily big-time crooks. His (very slightly) oriental looks got him the role of Kralahome in The King and I.
Leonard ‘L.J.K.’ Setright 1931 - Motoring journalist and author.
Murray Melvin 1932 - Actor. Geoffrey Ingham in A Taste of Honey.
Tony Ross 1938 - Illustrator.
Kate O’Mara 1939 - Actress. Laura Wilde in Howards’ Way.
Sid Waddell 1940 - Sports commentator. Known as the ‘Voice of Darts’.
Anita Lonsbrough 1941 - Swimmy bloke.
Ian Anderson 1947 - Musician. [No clip? What’s going on? - Ed.]
Alan Ward 1947 - Crickety bloke.
Nick Stringer 1948 - Actor. Max Derwin in Family Affairs.
Elixabeth Estensen 1949 - Actress. Diane Sugden/Blackstock in Emmerdale.
Mark Price 1959 - Musician. One-time drummer with All About Eve. Here’s a track from them, December.
Julia Fordham 1962 - Singer-songwriter. Have a clip. Here’s Happy Ever After.
Dan Donovan 1962 - Musician. One-time keyboardist for Big Audio Dynamite. I think a clip might be in order. This is ironic given that they were later signed to this company.
Charlie Dymock 1966 - TV gardener.
Lorraine Pearson 1967 - Singer. A member of the singing group comprising Pearson siblings, Five Star. Let’s have another clip. Here’s a song from their later days as a unit, Funktafied. [As in funked if I'd listen to that one again. - Ed.]
Stephen Frail 1969 - Fitba guy. Motherwell’s assistant manager.
Steve Fulton 1970 - Fitba guy.
Lawrence Dallaglio 1972 - Rugby bloke.
Andy Hicks 1973 - Snookery bloke.
Shaun Murphy 1982 - Snookery bloke.
Bill Ryder-Jones 1983 - Musician. He was a founding member of The Coral, but here is a solo effort from him, He Took You in His Arms.
Jonny Dixon 1988 - Actor. Darryl Morton in Coronation Street.
Lawrence Shankland 1995 - Fitba guy.
And finally, the 17th of August.
William Rootes 1894 - Motor manufacturer.
George Melly 1926 - Singer, critic, writer and lecturer. Let’s have a clip. Here is a track he recorded with The Stranglers, Old Codger.
Ted Hughes 1930 - Poet.
V.S. Naipaul. 1932 - Orfer.
Philip Jenkinson 1935 - TV presenter.
Anthony Valentine 1939 - Actor. Toby Meres in Callan.
John Humphrys 1943 - Journalist, broadcaster and orfer.
Bobby Murdoch 1944 - Fitba guy.
Julian Fellowes 1949 - Ector, Drahhhmatist, director, novelist, producer end screenwriter, don’t cha know.
Alan Minter 1951 - Boxery bloke.
Kevin Rowland 1953 - Singer-songwriter. Frontman of Dexy’s Midnight Runners. How about another clip? Here’s the theme song from Brush Strokes, Because of You.
Colin Moulding 1955 - Musician. Bassist, songwriter and sometimes vocalist for XTC. Let’s have another clip. Here’s Grass.
Dave Jones 1956 - Footy bloke.
Robin Cousins 1957 - Skaty bloke.
Fred Goodwin 1958 - Complete banker. Known as ‘Fred the shred’.
Glen Goldsmith 1965 - Singer-songwriter. I think a clip is in order. Here he is Dreaming.
Paul Wright 1967 - Fitba guy.
Helen McCrory 1968 - Actress. Dawn Ellison in Roadkill.
Rupert Degas 1970 - Actor. You may have seen him, but it is more likely that you have only heard as he provides voices in many animated series and films.
Bridget Christie 1971 - Comedienne.
Claire Richards 1977 - Singer-songwriter. A Step. [You what? - Ed.] Let’s have a clip. Here’s The Slightest Touch.
Phil Jagielka 1982 - Footy bloke.
Rachel Corsie 1989 - Fitba guy. Has so far been capped for Scotland 152 times.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Colin Grambling,
I did enjoy hearing your song, Grass. It was unusual in that you were the lead singer for once. I would love to hear another track where you provide lead vocals; can you suggest one?
Yours gramineacly,
.....oooOooo.....
Gramble time...
How did our last bet with Lorkdeabs fare? Oh dear. Do you really want to know? It was ages ago. I can’t remember what games we bet on, so I’m sure you can’t. Oh, you want to know, do you? All right. Bear with me while I look it up... Just talk amongst yourselves. Okay, I’ve found it. £1.46 back from our £2.20 stake. So we won, but lost
Any road up, the English and Scottish leagues are up and running again, so let’s see what The Grambler is predicting this week.
Game - Result - Odds
Bristol City vs Millwall - Home win - Evens
Norwich vs Blackburn - Home win - Evens
Sheffield Utd vs QPR - Home win - 4/5
Swansea City vs Preston NE - Home win - 19/20
Huddesfield vs Stevenage - Home win - 3/4
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
£12.14
Oh dear. A bit too whopping if you ask me... which nobody did, incidentally.
.....oooOooo.....
Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Emerich am Rhine, Germany in 1952. A midfielder, I played most of my senior career games with Borussia Mönchengladbach [That’s easy for you to say. - Ed.] of which I am now vice-president. Between 1972 and 1981 I was capped 53 times for (then) West Germany. I remain the most decorated player in the history of the European Championships having won two gold medals and one silver medal.
Answer - Rainer Bonhof
2. Two questions in one... Several records were broken at the recent European Championship. Who became the youngest ever scorer at the age of 16 years and 362 days and who became the oldest ever scorer at the age of 38 years and 289 days?
Answers - Lamine Yamal and Luka Modrić
3. Cristiano Ronaldo holds all kinds of records relating to the Euros, including scoring more goals than any other player. In five tournaments, how many goals has he scored?
Answer - 14
4. Sticking with the Euros, most winning teams are coached by somebody of the same nationality; which was the only winning nation to be coached by an ‘outsider’?
Answer - Greece. In 2004 they were coached by German Otto Rehhegal
5. I thought an own goal question might be a good one to finish with. Again, we are talking Euros. Which country has benefitted from five opposition own goals over several tournaments without ever conceding an own goal?
Answer - France
Five for this week? Why, soitenly.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Durham in 2006. A central midfielder, I began my senior career at Leeds United in 2022 having progressed through that club’s academy from an early age. I signed for my present club Tottenham Hotspur in 2024. I have represented England in all age groups ranging from U15 to U21 despite my father, grandfather and great uncle all representing Scotland at senior level.
2. Which is the only English Premier League club to have signed no new players over the summer break? (I’ll add: at time of writing.)
3. Which two clubs have played just one season in the English Premier League?
4. Which Spaniard has made the most Premier League appearances?
5. Which club plays home games at Hayes Lane Stadium?
There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
.....oooOooo.....
Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK
.....oooOooo.....
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s). Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...
£79,374
…..oooOooo…..
And Finally...
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr I. Anderson who celebrated his 77th birthday on the 10th of August. Ian Anderson is frontman of one of my favourite bands, Jethro Tull. Correction, Ian Anderson is Jethro Tull. What better excuse is needed for me to give you a link to my favourite album ever? I said I am indebted to Ian Anderson, or should I be indebted a Mr. G. Bostock?
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
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