Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Story Time
You may have noticed a recent substantial increase in the amount we have donated to Cancer Research UK. That is due to us running our annual Stewart David Smith Kick Cancer's Backside Seasonal Quiz, which raised an astonishing £1139. Thanks to everyone who took part and contributed so generously.
I'll tell you a bit about it.
I hope we are not infringing any copyright laws because we borrow the format of Family Fortunes or Family Feud as it's called in the good ol You Ess of Ay. It's a way of ensuring that nobody can simply use googly to find the answers, because there are no right answers. We are simply looking for the most popular answer.
We set 25 Christmas-themed questions and ask 100 people to answer them. The response that most people give for a question becomes the 'correct' answer when we receive the completed forms.
Here is an example: we asked people to name a bird that they might see in winter. Not surprisingly, the top answer was Robin. There are always some crazy answers given... seagull? French hen? I've never seen a French hen, have you?
Some questions are less likely to produce such an obvious response. We asked people to name a home-made Christmas gift. The top answer was 'cake', but it only beat second placed 'scarf' by one.
There were some questions which perhaps shouldn't have even been there.
We asked people to name something that the naughty elf on the shelf might do. Of the 100 sheets in our survey there were 55 different answers. Now, bearing in mind that we are asking for the answer that most people would give (and that was the boringly simple 'make a mess' which came top with only 11), some of the suggestions were remarkably specific such as 'paint dad's toenails' or, something which to me seems impossible, 'straighten crisps'. How the blibbing flip do you straighten crisps?
Another question asked people to name something that you might put in a Christmas eve box. Our problem with that was that a few people didn't know what a Christmas eve box was so they simply left a blank space. Having said that, there was an overwhelming winner with pyjamas or pjs, which was the choice of 53 out of the 100.
Then there were the 'we know what you meant' answers to questions. We asked for a scent of a Christmas candle. Cinnamon was the top answer, incidentally. We did get one answer as frankenstein... We know what you meant.
Another asked for a popular children's film at Christmas. The winner was Home Alone, though Elf and The Polar Express were also popular answers. We got one that suggested The Polar Bear Express... We know what you meant.
There was the question which asked for a popular family activity at New Year. Dancing chairs? We know what you meant.
That question threw up some humdingers such as drinking or getting drunk, falling out or arguing. Vomiting? I'm not going there for the bells.
The strangest answer to that question was 'eating grapes'. What kind of a family is that, then? A family of squirrels?
Another question asked for an animal that you might see in a pantomime. The top answer there was donkey, though it only beat horse by five points. Cow and cat also scored a few. However, once again, there were some odd answers. I don't recall seeing a panto with a sheep in it... perhaps they were getting mixed up with a nativity play. I've not seen a panto with a tiger in it either. Or a fox. But the strangest of all was... a giraffe. Yep. Stranger still, three people suggested it.
My favourites of all the questions we put, were some of the answers to the question what gift might a wife give her husband for Christmas. The top answer was aftershave, followed by the equally dull socks. However, some guys were in for a shock. Some poor guy was going to get earache. Another was going to get divorce papers. Yet another was simply going to get a kick up the a**e. Oh dear.
Hang on, someone has got mixed up with the Christmas eve box question. There's a bloke suggesting that his wife will give him pjs... No, that isn't a P, that's a... oh, come on, that is just obscene!
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Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 18th of January? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
John Nash 1752 - Architect. Buck House was one of his.
A. A. Milne 1882 - Author. Famous for his Pooh. [So childish. - Ed.]
Arthur Ransome 1884 - Author. The Swallows and Amazons bloke.
Thomas Sopwith 1888 - Aviator. Famous for his Camel.
Archie Leach aka Cary Grant 1904 - Actor. Here’s a trailer for a 1933 version of Alice in Wonderland. You’ll get a glimpse of Cary, but you won’t recognise him under his Mock Turtle makeup. [Is that meant to be a children’s film? That is the stuff of nightmares. - Ed.]
Jacob Bronowsky 1908 - Mathematician and philosopher.
Arthur Howard 1910 - Jobbing actor. Often played unnamed official-looking characters such as legal types... lawyers and judges... but seemed to be cast most regularly as a vicar. He must have had that kind of face. I’m sure what that kind of face was, but he most certainly had it. Brother of Leslie and father of Alan.
John Boorman 1933 - Film director, producer and scriptwriter. Deliverance, that was one of his. Father of Charley.
David Bellamy 1933 - Academic, botanist, TV presenter, author and environmental campaigner. In fact, a right old clever clogs.
Robin Chapman 1933 - Novelist, playwright and screenwriter. Force 10 from Navarone, that was one of his.
John Hume 1937 - Politician, so he was.
Tony Holland 1940 - Screenwriter and actor. Credited as being the co-creator of Eastenders.
Paul Angelis 1943 - Actor and writer. PC Bruce Bannerman in Z-Cars. Michael’s big bruv. Factoid: Michael Angelis took over from Ringo Starr as the narrator of Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends and Paul Angelis provided the voice of Ringo Starr in Yellow Submarine. [Really? How interesting. Yawn. - Ed.]
Dave Greenslade 1943 - Musician. He was the keyboardist with Colosseum, Greenslade, If and Chris Farlowe’s Thunderbirds. He is also known for creating theme music for many TV programmes such as Bird of Prey, A Very Peculiar Practice and this one, Gangsters.
Paul Freeman 1943 - Actor. René Emile Belloq in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Prunella Ransome 1943 - Actress. Zoe Carter in Warship.
‘Legs’ Larry Smith 1944 - Musician. He was the drummer with the anarchic Bonzo Dog (Doo-Dah) Band. Here is a track from his later ‘supergroup’ Topo D. Bill called Witchi Tai To.
Winnie Shaw 1947 - Tennisy bloke.
Bob Latchford 1951 - Footy bloke.
Richard Littlejohn 1954 - Journalist it says here.
Tom Bailey 1954 - Musician. A former Thompson Twin, he now performs solo. Here is a track called Science Fiction
Mark Rylance 1960 - Actor. Thomas Cromwell in Wolf Hall.
Peter Beardsley 1961 - Footy bloke.
Jeremy Healy 1962 - Musician. He was a member of Haysi Fantayzee. Remember them? They only had two Top 20 hits. Here is one of them, Shiny Shiny.
Jane Horrocks 1964 - Actress. Bubble in Absolutely Fabulous. 141 credits on IMDb.
Richard Dunwoody 1964 - Horse racery bloke.
Ben Willbond 1973 - Actor and screenwriter. Part of the Them There collective responsible for Horrible Histories, Yonderland and Ghosts.
Crispian Mills 1973 - Musician. Frontman of (now re-formed) Kula Shaker. Son of Hayley Mills and Roy Boulting. Here’s a 2023 single, Indian Record Player.
Richard Archer 1977 - Musician. Frontman of (now re-formed) Hard-Fi. Here’s a recent single that you can sing along to, Don't Go Making Plans.
Willie Collum 1979 - Fitba guy. Head of Referee Operations at the S.F.A.
Neil Speirs 1979 - Bools guy.
Joey Barrington 1979 - Squashy bloke. Son of Jonah.
Robert Green 1980 - Footy bloke.
Estelle (Swaray) 1980 - Singer songwriter. Here’s another one to sing along to, Set Me On Fire.
Faye McKeever 1985 - Actress. Linda Stubbings in Trollied.
Suzi Ruffell 1986 - Comedienne.
James Charters aka Ironik 1988 - Musician, DJ and rapper. Let’s have a clip. Here’s Stay With Me.
Okeydokey, let’s have a look at the 25th of January...
Robert Boyle 1627 - Chemist famous for his law, known as... erm... Boyle’s Law. [Somebody thought long and hard about that. - Ed.]
Robert Burns 1759 - Poet.
William Colgate 1783 - Industrialist who founded the company that would become Colgate-Palmolive.
Segar Bastard 1854 - Footy bloke. I’d never heard of him, but couldn’t resist.
W. Somerset Maugham 1874 - Playwright and novelist. Of Human Bondage, that was one of his.
Virginia Woolf 1882 - Writer.
John Moores 1896 - Businessman. Founder of Littlewoods Pools and Littlewoods stores. One-time owner of Everton Football Club.
Ewan MacColl 1915 - Folk singer, songwriter, labour activist, actor, poet, playwright and record producer. In fact, a right old smarty boots. Here’s a song which he wrote being sung by his (future) wife Peggy Seeger, The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.
Raymond Baxter 1922 - TV presenter.
Richard Davies 1926 - Actor. Mr Price in Please Sir!
Bobby Willis 1942 - Manager and husband of Cilla Black.
Emily Richard 1948 - Actress. Lorna Doone in Lorna Doone (1976).
Dyan Birch 1949 - Singer. A member of the vocal group Arrival. Let’s have a clip. Here’s Friends.
Christopher Ryan 1950 - Actor. The boring cool one from The Young Ones.
John Cooper Clarke 1951 - Performance poet it says here.
Peter Tatchell 1952 - Gay rights activist.
Andy Cox 1956 - Musician. He was a member of The Beat, then Fine Young Cannibals. With fellow Beat/Fine Young Cannibals member David Steele, he formed a recording duo with the catchy name of Two Men, a Drum Machine and a Trumpet and they had a hit - Tired of Getting Pushed Around.
Gary Tibbs 1958 - Jobbing musician. He was a member of Adam and the Ants for a time and even gets a mention in the lyrics of this, Ant Rap. [Why would anyone want to trap an ant? Utterly ridiculous. - Ed.]
Emma Freud 1962 - Broadcaster. Clement’s lass.
Alison Newman 1968 - Actress. Hazel Bailey in Footballers Wives.
Paul Ritchie 1969 - Fitba guy.
Dan Renton Skinner 1973 - Comedian and actor. Beekeeper in The Witchfinder.
Simon Lappin 1983 - Fitba guy. Briefly with Motherwell, you know.
Kevin Holt 1993 - Fitba guy.
Tayler Marshall 2000 - Actor. Kenzo Harper in My Family.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Richard Grambler,
I did enjoy hearing that Hard-Fi are back together. Tell me, what was the band’s best performing single?
Yours toptenishly,
.....oooOooo.....
Gramble time...
How did our last bet with Orksabled fare? We won. Ish. If you remember, The Grambler gave us some predictions from German and Italian games. As only two out of five predictions came good, we actually only won 70 pees. I won’t bore you with what happened, let’s just check out this week’s predictions.
Game - Result - Odds
Coventry vs Watford - Home win - 3/4
Bristol City vs Blackburn - Home win - 17/20
Barnsley vs Stevenage - Home win - 10/11
West Brom vs Portsmouth - Home win - 13/20
Wigan vs Bristol Rovers - Home win - 5/6
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
£10.28
1028... Would you like a factoid about that year? You wouldn’t? Well, you’re getting one, anyway. Cnut... I said Cnut... the Great sailed from England to Norway with 50 ships and defeated Norwegian supremo Olaf Haraldsson. Cnut was crowned and in so doing became the sole ruler of England, Denmark, Norway and part of Sweden. This was known as the Danish North Sea Empire. Cnut was, at the time, the most powerful ruler in Europe after the Holy Roman Empire. There you go. See... Educational, this is.
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Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Auckland in 1991. A forward, I began my senior career in New Zealand in 2006, but moved to English club West Brom in 2009. I was loaned out to a few clubs, but signed with the last of these, Leicester City in 2013. After another loan spell, this time at Ipswich, I joined Leeds United. I signed with Burnley in 2017 and was sold for a club record fee of £25 million to Newcastle. In 2023, I signed to my current club, Nottingham Forest. I have been capped 80 times for New Zealand.
Answer - Chris Wood
2. Which player was bought by Arsenal for the highest transfer fee?
Answer - Declan Rice (£100 million)
3. Who scored a perfect hat-trick (left foot, right foot, head) on the 5th of January this year?
Answer - Hamza Igamane (Rangers)
4. Who is West Ham United’s current manager?
Answer - Graham Potter
5. Which club plays home games at Borough Briggs?
Answer - Elgin City
Righty ho, shall we have five for this week? Why not.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Amsterdam in 1999. A winger, I began my senior career at Jong Ajax, then Ajax before being transferred to Roma. During my time with them, I was loaned out to Leipzig, Nice and Valencia. In 2023, I was transferred to my current club, AFC Bournemouth. I have already scored two hat-tricks this season, although in the first of these all three goals were scored from the penalty spot. I come from a famous footballing family; my father and grandfather were both internationalists.
2. Manchester City right back Kyle Walker has been loaned out to which club?
3. Which club has won the Europa League title the most times?
4. With which club did Denis Law begin his senior career?
5. Which club plays its home games at the New York Stadium?
There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
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Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK
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Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s). Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. We have now smashed through the 80 thousand barrier. Yay! The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...
£83,592
…..oooOooo…..
And Finally...
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. R. Mortimer who provides us with this week’s finishing item. Mr R. Mortimer, or Bob Mortimer, is known for his double act with Vic Reeves, his double act with Paul Whitehouse and his double act with Andy Dawson. Who, I hear you ask. Bob and Andy began a podcast in 2016 which was built loosely (very loosely) around football and they gave it the very sensible name of Athletico Mince. The sport side of things centred mainly on scathing impressions of people associated with football. Steve McClaren gets a doing; Sean Dyche ditto. However, it is one of our birthday celebrants that is treated to, arguably, Bob’s cruellest impression. Ladeez and genullum, please enjoy the jokes of Peter Beardsley.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
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