Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Story Time
You know me well enough by now to realise that I rarely get annoyed at anything. [You are joking, of course. - Ed.] Maybe I am. There is something which has caught my ire of late: bottle tops. Pardon sorry excuse me what?
Bottle tops. Specifically, those caps on plastic bottles that are designed in such a way that they unscrew but remain attached to the container. Have you come across them? Somebody, somewhere, has decided that caps that used to be removed completely must now stay attached. Why? Is it to cut down on the waste material that gets chucked into grass verges at the side of the road? Instead of 50 bottles and 50 separate caps, there are only 50 items in total? If that is the reason, is it really necessary to inflict this awkward set-up on the rest of us; the non litter louts?
Why do I have an issue with this, you might be asking. [Yes, why have you got an issue with this? - Ed.]
I'll tell you why. They are blibbing difficult to open. That's my issue. It used to be the case that a bottle cap might be sealed at a few points to prove that it was new. (Unless it has been resealed with superglue a la Slumdog Millionaire. No idea what I'm talking about? It was a way our hero had to make money by refilling empty water bottles and tack-welding them to make it seem like they were new.) Anyway back to the plot, simply by twisting the cap, the seal points broke and hey Tesco, the bottle was opened.
Another, more obvious, means of sealing new bottles was to provide a removable strip that, when pulled, allowed the cap to be unscrewed.
All very straightforward and, generally, if the setup was properly designed, requiring very little effort.
This new means of sealing often requires Superman levels of strength to open a container. Surely not, I hear you protest. Surely so, I answer.
Imagine, if you will, the cap on a cardboard carton of juice. It is tiny; about 1.5 cm in diameter. It is also quite shallow; certainly less than a centimetre. In the past, that depth was the complete cap. Now, the cap is barely half that depth. The rest is taken up with the seal part of the cap. Are you with me so far?
Any road up, a simple twist was enough to remove the old style cap, because the cap was deep enough to allow you to get a grip. [I think you should get a grip, pal. - Ed.]
Is it just me, or does everybody find these new-fangled caps annoying? I struggle to even get a decent hold of the thing. [Probably just you. - Ed.]
Okay, assuming you have (finally) managed to open the bottle, have you tried drinking out of the blessed thing? Remember, the cap is still attached and it sticks out at an angle which seems to be almost perfect to scratch the side of your face. Blibbing sore, I can tell you.
To me, it is just another case of the designer saying,'Look what I can do. Aren't I clever?' No, you're not. You are 'solving' a problem that didn't exist and, in doing so, making things more awkward for the user. Eye ee, me.
On a different matter, but still associated with bottle tops, who decided that things that used to be sold in glass bottles or jars, should now be sold in squeezy bottles that are meant to be stored upside down? That is, lid down.
Mayonnaise is one such. It used to come in a glass jar, but now many stores are only stocking the, invariably more expensive, version in an upside down plastic tube.
The jar was so simple to use. Once you had opened it, you stuck a knife or spoon into the jar to get whatever quantity you needed. Sorted.
The upside down tube? Flip open the lid and, more often than not, you'll get a spurt of mayonnaise down your shirt. Grr. [I think that probably is just you. - Ed.]
Another product that now comes in this form of packaging is honey. The problem with that is not so much the shirt spurt, but the fact that honey often solidifies in the jar/tube. If the honey is in a jar, and that happens, there is no problem accessing it. Stick a knife in; extract the honey. So far, so simple. But with the tube? Jeez! What a palaver!
First, find a deep vessel of a larger diameter than the tube of solidified honey. Place the tube into the vessel with the top where it ought to be... on top. Fill said vessel with boiling water to a depth of more than the level of the honey. It may be necessary to place a heavy object on top of the tube to stop it floating to the surface. This ensures that most of the tube is immersed, but take care not to allow water to get as high as the cap. I've made that mistake and ended up with a tube full of water and soggy honey.
The idea is to leave the tube in this position to dissolve the honey. It does work but, after a few days, the honey re-solidifies and the whole procedure has to be repeated.
Another product... Don't stop me now, I'm on a roll... is the liquid detergent that you use in a washing machine. It comes in a large bottle which, as with the previous mentioned products, is meant to be stored upside down. My difficulty with that is not the leaking part. Well, in a way it is. The blibbing stuff doesn't want to leak at all. Even when you are squeezing the bottle as hard as you can (well, as hard as I can), it only trickles out slowly. The problem is not only that the 'liquid' isn't as runny as it could be but also that the plastic used for the squeezy bottle is quite thick, so it isn't very squeezy at all.
Whoever thought of that must assume that everyone is built like Dwayne Johnson.
No mate, you should be aiming it at complete weaklings like me.
Here's a message to all you clever bottle designer chappies: test the blibbing
things on your granny before foisting them on us wimps.
.....oooOooo.....
Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 8th of March? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
Bramwell Booth 1856 - Second General of the Salvation Army.
Kenneth Grahame 1859 - Novelist. Famous for his Wind in the Willows. [Perhaps he ate a lot of sprouts. - Ed.]
James Craig Annan 1864 - Pioneering photographer.
Eric Linklater 1901 - Writer.
Cyril Chamberlain 1909 - Jobbing actor. Often played unnamed characters such as a policeman in Carry On Regardless. 170 credits on IMDb.
Alan Dell 1924 - DJ.
Edith MacArthur 1926 - Actress. Elizabeth Cunningham in Take the High Road.
Douglas Hurd 1930 - Politician.
George Innes 1938 - Jobbing actor. Sapper Wilkins in Danger UXB.
Anne Packer 1942 - Athleticky bloke.
Lynn Redgrave 1943 - Actress. Georgy in Georgy Girl. That’s the one with the catchy theme song.
Michael Grade 1943 - Television executive.
Sally Oldfield 1947 - Singer songwriter. She provided vocals on this Steve Hackett song, Shadow of the Heirophant. Mike’s big sis.
Gyles Brandreth 1948 - TV chatterbox.
Jonathan Sacks 1948 - Rabbi.
Phil Edmonds 1951 - Crickety bloke.
David Wilkie 1954 - Swimmy bloke.
Cheryl Baker 1954 - Singer. Famously, a member of Bucks Fizz. Here’s the group's last top ten single, New Beginning.
Laurie Cunningham 1954 - Footy bloke.
Nick Wilton 1957 - Actor and scriptwriter. Mr Lister in Eastenders.
Gary Numan 1958 - Musician. Here he is In a Dark Place.
Peter Gill 1964 - Musician. One time drummer with Frankie Goes to Hollywood. He won an Ivor Novello Award as co-writer of Two Tribes. All together now... Ow ow ow...
Anna Madeley 1976 - Actress. Ellie Frisk in Anatomy of a Scandal.
Gaz Coombes 1976 - Musician. Best known as lead singer of Supergrass. Here’s a solo effort, Sonny the Strong.
Tom Service 1976 - Classical music presenter.
Ross Tokely 1979 - Fitba guy, fit like.
Laura Main 1981 - Actress. Shelagh Turner (formerly Sister Bernadette) in Call the Midwife.
Stephanie Davis 1993 - Actress. Courtney Vance in Coronation Street.
Kit Connor 2004 - Actor. Young Reg Dwight in Rocketman.
Now then, what about the 15th of March? Any famous or even semi-famous folk born on that date. Of course there were...
John Gregson 1919 - Actor. George Gideon in Gideon’s Way.
Eddie Calvert 1922 - Musician. Had a few chart records back in the 1950s. Here’s the second of his two number ones, Cherry Pink (and Apple Blossom White).
James Ellis 1931 - Actor. Bert Lynch in Z Cars. For any American readers out there in gramblerland, that is pronounced Zed Cars.
Frank Dobson 1940 - Politician.
Hughie Flint 1941 - Musician. Half of McGuinness Flint [Which half was he? - Ed.] who had a number two hit with When I'm Dead and Gone. Sad note: Flint retired from showbiz in 1981 and spent the next 26 years as a college porter.
Linda Titchmarsh aka Lynda La Plante 1943 - Author. No relation to Alan.
Gary Newbon 1945 - Sports presenter.
Tony Osoba 1947 - Actor. Jim ‘Jock’ McLaren in Porridge.
Steve ‘Grizzly’ Nisbett 1948 - Musician. One-time drummer with Steel Pulse. A clip? Why, soitenly. Here’s Ku Klux Klan.
John Duttine 1949 - Actor. Sgt. Miller in Heartbeat.
Philip Green 1952 - Businessman it says here.
Howard Devoto 1952 - Musician. One-time singer with Magazine. A clip? Here is their only single to chart Shot By Both Sides.
Steve Lillywhite 1956 - Record producer.
Michael Watson 1965 - Boxer whose near-fatal injury in the ring galvanises my opinion that boxing is barbaric.
Mervyn King 1966 - Dartsy bloke.
Ian Ferguson 1967 - Fitba guy.
Penny Lancaster aka Lady Stewart 1971 - Sir Rod’s missus.
Dawn Acton 1977 - Actress and DJ. Third incarnation of Tracy Barlow in Coronation Street.
Anna Shaffer 1992 - Actress. Ruby Button in Hollyoaks.
Simon Murray 1992 - Fitba guy.
Ellie Leach 2001 - Actress. Faye Windass in Coronation Street and Strictly Come Dancing winner.
And now, the 22nd of March.
Hamish McCunn 1868 - Composer. Here is arguably his most famous piece, Land of the Mountain and the Flood.
Donald Stokes 1914 - Industrialist. Head of the British Leyland Motor Corporation. Remember that?
Paul Rogers 1917 - Actor. Dean in Porterhouse Blue.
Betty Callaway 1928 - Ice skating coach. How the blibbing flip did I manage to remember her from the days of Torvill and Dean?
Leslie Thomas 1931 - Orfer. The Virgin Soldiers, that was one of his.
Larry Martyn 1934 - Actor. Mr Mash in Are You Being Served?
Roger Whittaker 1936 - Musician. Here’s one of his whistling toons, The Russian Whistler.
Jeremy Clyde 1941 - Actor and musician. Achieved some success in the US as half of duo Chad Everatt and Jeremy Clyde. Here’s a factoid. He now sings with Peter Asher who was half of Peter and Gordon. I’d like to imagine their late partners performing in heaven as Chad and Gordon. As an actor, Clyde is probably most famous for this.
Keith Relf 1943 - Musician. Best remembered as the singer with the Yardbirds. Have another clip. Here’s Only the Black Rose.
Andrew Lloyd Webber 1948 - Composer. Time for another clip. Here are the Everly Brothers singing the Lloyd Webber/Rice song Cold.
John Toshack 1949 - Pêl-droediwr.
Brian Hanrahan 1949 - Television journalist.
Mary Tamm 1950 - Actress. Romana in Doctor Who.
Jocky Wilson 1950 - Dartsy guy.
Robin Le Mesurier 1953 - Musician. His most famous moment? He was a Womble, but got expelled from the band when he was busted for possession of cannabis. Have a clip... he’s in here somewhere, perhaps. Come on, Let's Womble to the Party Tonight.
Pete Wylie 1958 - Singer songwriter. Famous as the lead singer with Wah!, or should that be The Mighty Wah!, or perhaps even Shambeko. Make your mind up. Anyway, here are Pete Wylie and the Oedipus Wrecks (Oh how we laughed.) and Sinful.
Susan Sulley 1963 - Singer. Member of the Human League since being discovered by Phil Oakey (and, no, she wasn’t working as a waitress in a cocktail bar) in 1980. Have another clip. Here’s Tell Me When.
Emma Wray 1965 - Actress. Brenda Wilson in Watching.
Steve Hewitt 1971 - Musician. One time drummer with Placebo. Another clip called for, methinks. Here’s You Don't Care About Us.
Beverley Knight 1973 - Singer songwriter. Have another clip. Here’s her best charting single, Come as You Are.
Shelley Longworth 1976 - Actress and ‘voiceover artist’. Ooh! There’s posh. Sam Wood in Benidorm.
Dennis Wyness 1977 - Fitba guy.
Daisy Haggard 1978 - Actress. Ally Grant in Breeders.
Shaun Fagan 1984 - Fitba guy. Ex Motherwell, you know.
Amy Studt 1986 - Musician, singer songwriter. Had a few hits. Here’s one that reached number 6 in the UK charts, Misfit.
Marcus Tavernier 1999 - Footy bloke.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Grambly Numan,
It was wonderful to hear a song by your good self. I did enjoy it. I have a question for you relating to, I think, an early single of yours. What was the Tubeway Army song that was covered by The Foo Fighters?
Yours undergroundly,
.....oooOooo.....
Gramble time...
How did our last bet with Reksablod fare? We won. We actually made a profit. Yep. £2.68 back from our £2.20. 48 pees. Woo hoo! What Happened? Come off it; it was weeks ago. Let’s just concentrate of this week’s predictions.
Game - Result - Odds
Crawley vs Bristol Rovers - Home win - 21/20
Lincoln vs Exeter - Home win - 13/20
Northampton vs Blackpool - Away win - 5/4
Wrexham vs Stockport - Home win - 29/20
Peterborough vs Charlton Athletic - Away win - 13/10
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
£17.70
£17.70??? Nae chance.
.....oooOooo.....
Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Nottingham in 2001. A forward, I began my senior career at Nottingham Forest. During my time with them, I was loaned out to Lincoln City before being transferred to my present club, Tottenham Hotspur for a fee of £47.5 million. I was capped for England U16 and U17 sides, but changed my allegiance to Wales (my mother is Welsh) and have been capped 33 times. Factoid: My father, David, was also a professional footballer, playing most of his career at Bury, Ipswich Town and Nottingham Forest.
Answer - Brennan Johnson
2. Talking of Ipswich, which player has made the most appearances for Ipswich Town?
Answer - Mick Mills with 737
3. Currently vacant, the Chelsea number 9 shirt was last worn by which player?
Answer - Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang
4. Which are the only two clubs to have won the Football League Cup and the FA Cup in the same season?
Answer - Arsenal 1992-93 and Manchester City 2018-19
5. A daft one to finish. Which teams in the English senior leagues have a stadium with the word ‘saint’ in its name?
Answer - Birmingham City (St. Andrew’s), Exeter City (St. James Park), Newcastle United (St. James’ Park) and Southampton (St. Mary’s Stadium)
Shall we have five for this week? Yes, why not...
1. Who am I?
I was born in Wembley in 1995. A winger, I began my senior career at Norwich City and was loaned out to Swindon Town, Southend United, Blackpool, Scunthorpe United, Colchester United and Coventry City. In 2017 I was transferred to Newcastle United and again was loaned out to other clubs; this time West Bromwich Albion and Sheffield Wednesday. I now play in the Newcastle first team, clocking up 175 games so far. I have a twin brother who plays football for Portsmouth.
2. Who is the only ‘Albanian’ to currently play in the Premier League?
3. Which player has made the most appearances for Aston Villa?
4. Which Canadian has made the most Premier League appearances.
5. Name all the teams in the English and Scottish senior leagues with the word ‘Rangers’ in their name.
There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
.....oooOooo.....
Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK
.....oooOooo.....
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s). Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. We have now smashed through the 80 thousand barrier. Yay! The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...
£83,712
…..oooOooo…..
And Finally...
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. G. Brandreth. Yes, Gyles Brandreth, professional anecdotist (I think I may have just made that word up.) who cannot appear on TV without telling some tale about somebody famous. Are his stories true? Who knows? QI, the panel show came up with a very clever joke at his expense. Ladeez and genullum, I invite you to try to Create Your Own Gyles Brandreth Anecdote. Have fun.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
