Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which recently appeared in the Daily Record
and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
His wish was that The Grambler
should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
This is a football blog, right?
Okay, it is sort of a football
blog, so this week I give you a footbally type gripe. It concerns refereeing, or at least it will
after I take you on a journey back into the past. Cue harp music…
When I was very, very young I came to live in the west of Scotland. I liked it so
much I stayed. Actually, I didn’t have
much option; I was 4. But I have
remained here all my life since. I was
an outsider, certainly, and didn’t understand certain aspects of the
culture. [I thought you said this was
about football refereeing. Get on with
it – Ed.] One aspect was the
Rangers/Celtic divide. When I was a six
year old at school, older lads would ask me what team I supported, Rangers or
Celtic. That was the choice. It never occurred to these guys that there
might be other teams to support. Rangers
or Celtic. That’s it. Choose.
Now, you had to be careful how you answered, because if you said the
wrong one, a doing would be heading your way.
I, being the same awkward bugger then that I am now, would confuse the
hell out of them by announcing that I supported Derby County. While they
worked out what their next move should be, I legged it. Now, you are probably wondering what point I
am trying to make here. It is this. Such behaviour was, and still is, rife all
over the West of Scotland, indeed it was, and is, probably the case throughout Scotland judging by the numbers of Rangers and Celtic fans
that travel from all over the country to watch their team. It is a tribal thing. You had to support one or the other. It meant that children grew up with the one
or the other mentality. An old
Rangers-daft aunt of Mrs Grambler once suggested that I was not a proper
football supporter because I went to watch Motherwell and didn’t support
Rangers or Celtic. Excuse me? She was serious too. I haven’t mentioned the religious divide,
mainly because I don’t believe this is the place to discuss such matters. Let’s just be aware that one side tends to be
firmly in the Rangers camp and the other side veers very much towards
Celtic. What is the definition of an
atheist? Someone who goes to a Rangers v
Celtic match to watch football. That is
a cracking joke, but do not tell it to a Rangers or Celtic fan. Not if you value your life. The great Scottish comedian, Arnold Brown…why not…said that, as a Jew growing up in Glasgow, he felt deprived because he didn’t have a team to
hate.
So, to referees. They grew up in
the same environment and despite all their efforts to appear impartial, they
still grew up with the Rangers or Celtic mentality. Or at least that is what the fans
believe. Sometimes it is not without
reason; some refs seem to award free kicks and penalties to certain teams,
shall we say, rather too easily. There
I’m at it. But in Scotland, it is just the way we, the fans, behave.
At a Rangers Celtic game each set of fans believe that the ref is
against their team. In any game
featuring Rangers (or Celtic) against anyone else, the opposing fans think the
ref favours Rangers (or Celtic).
The problem lies with the fans who believe that the referee has grown
up in their own image, so to speak. If
the ref went to a certain school it follows that he must favour one of the big
two to the detriment of the other. Thus,
according to the fans, he is not impartial.
Yes, I know it seems a ridiculous notion, but that is the average fan’s
perception.
Do I have a solution? Of course
I do. The solution is to ‘import’
referees from over the border. Sorry,
pardon, excuse me? Yep. English refs should be in charge of those
games where Rangers or Celtic are involved.
Of course, Scottish refs could travel south to take charge of games in England where there is a history of hostility - it does
happen, I am informed - Voila, no more criticism of the referee because of
which school he attended.
No, no. I don’t ask for
thanks. Happy to be able to solve an
age-old problem.
Righty ho. On to the usual drivel.
Any birthdays to celebrate? Any
songs to gramblerise? Weyull. Looky here y’all. If it ain’t thayut good old Murcan bowah from
the deep sayuth, Payut Boone. Yup. Pat
Boone. 80 years old on the first of
June. Only 80? He behaved like a 60 year old when he was at
his peak in the 50s That makes him at least 120 by my (admittedly suspect)
reckoning.
Sorry to my grambling chums from the good old U. S of A. Couldn’t resist the rather poor imitation of
southern patois. Actually, it isn’t so
far removed from the truth. When Stewart
was young, Mrs Grambler and I took him and his bruv to visit Pat’s home state, Florida. Obviously, we
were doing the Disney theme parks. As
you do. So, on day one of our holiday we
meet up with a holiday rep who would tell us about all the wunnerful
attractions we could visit. Her opening
gambit was this – “Inny yall curma see a mayuss?” Silence.
What language was this woman talking?
She repeated the line. Only
louder, obviously thinking the problem lay with our hearing rather than the
fact she spoke a different language to the people she was addressing. Nothing. No response. She tried it again. More slowly, this time. Nope.
You’ve lost me, hen. Eventually,
one of the brighter individuals among us travel-weary holidaymakers managed to
work out what she was trying to convey.
“Inny yall curma see a mayuss?” meant “Has anybody here come to see a
mouse?” Oh right. Ha ha.
Very good. This woman’s mad. Needless to say, we learnt nothing from this
particular holiday representative.
Any road up that is all by the by.
What great song did Mr Saccharine give us that we might
gramblerise? Could it be anything other
than…
La la laaaah! La lalalala la la
laaaah!
Laaaah! La lalalala la la laaaah!
You better come home, Grambly Gonzales
Away from Gramblery row
Stop alla your a-gramblin'
With that grambler named Flo
Come on home to your adobe
And slap some mud on the wall
The roof is gramblin' like a grambler
There's loadsa gramblers in the hall…etc. etc.
Away from Gramblery row
Stop alla your a-gramblin'
With that grambler named Flo
Come on home to your adobe
And slap some mud on the wall
The roof is gramblin' like a grambler
There's loadsa gramblers in the hall…etc. etc.
Ahem. Shall we move on to grambling matters? Yes, let’s.
You remember how
we won a huge sum of money for the Bobby Moore fund last week? Yeah, well, we couldn’t do it 2 weeks on the
trot. Last week’s payout out from Mr
Betthreesixfive was a measly 96 pee. How
measly is that? Actually, why do we use
the word measly? Does a smaller than
hoped for amount resemble a pimple?
Pretty rubbish, anyway. Do you
want to know what happened? Do you
care? It’s horse racing, for goodness’
sake! Roll on the World Cup, I say.
Anyway, we will
try again. Hmm. Something tells me The Grambler is not really
trying. I’m sure some of these names
have cropped up already and this is only the third week of betting on the gee
gees. All these races take place on
Sunday the 1st of June and The Grambler has gone for …
Meeting – Time – Horse – Odds
Fakenham 2.30 Midnight Diamond 5/2
There are 10 bets of 20
pee doubles plus the usual 20 pee accumulator.
If all results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore fund
will benefit by… worth a fanfare, this…
£21.18
Woo hoo! That is a goodly sum of dosh. Will it happen? Doubtful.
Hey, let’s be positive here. Yes
it will happen.
What about last week’s
football teaser, I hear you ask. I don’t
really hear you, don’t worry. Last week
I asked which Englishman holds the record
for appearances without even being brought as a sub? The answer?
Peter Shilton. 1005 league games
in a career lasting over 30 years. He
also holds the record for having the most international caps – 125.
How about a teaser for this week? We have one about attendances at
matches. The largest ever crowd in Britain
Let’s finish with a crap
joke…
Q: What’s a horse’s
favourite TV show?
A: Neighbours
A: Neighbours
Told you it was
crap. Happy grambling.
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