Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn
from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
His wish was that The Grambler
should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
We begin this
week’s edition with a letter received from a Mrs Whitehouse who seems to be a
little unhappy with recent articles. It
is reprinted here in its entirety…
Sir,
I am writing this
from beyond the grave because I wish to complain in the strongest possible
terms about last week's so called Grambler.
As you know, when I was alive I made it my life's work to mind other people's business. I feel that it would be wrong of me to allow last week's so called item to go unchallenged. I was disgusted to read so many filthy words in one article; in the first paragraph alone I read fourteen four lettered words! To say I was disgusted would be a so called understatement.
When I read the rest of the so called article... Well! I have never before read such a vile, filthy, disgusting so called blog. I was shocked that the so called writer of this so called piece of filth even dared to mention my name in the name of so called humour. Yes, I did complain about so called Chuck Berry inviting people to play with his so called ding-a-ling; I was only speaking out for the so called silent minority. I wouldn’t want to touch his ding-a-ling, I can tell you. I certainly don’t have a dirty mind but what he was suggesting was nothing more than inviting people to take hold of his…his…Excuse me while I take a cold shower. That’s better.
As you know, when I was alive I made it my life's work to mind other people's business. I feel that it would be wrong of me to allow last week's so called item to go unchallenged. I was disgusted to read so many filthy words in one article; in the first paragraph alone I read fourteen four lettered words! To say I was disgusted would be a so called understatement.
When I read the rest of the so called article... Well! I have never before read such a vile, filthy, disgusting so called blog. I was shocked that the so called writer of this so called piece of filth even dared to mention my name in the name of so called humour. Yes, I did complain about so called Chuck Berry inviting people to play with his so called ding-a-ling; I was only speaking out for the so called silent minority. I wouldn’t want to touch his ding-a-ling, I can tell you. I certainly don’t have a dirty mind but what he was suggesting was nothing more than inviting people to take hold of his…his…Excuse me while I take a cold shower. That’s better.
Then the so
called author mentioned another dirty, filthy song, iyee Telephone Man by so
called Meri Wilson, I nearly spilt my ovaltine.
It is obvious to me that the song had nothing at all to do with
telephones and I certainly don’t have a dirty mind. It was nothing more than an invitation for
the so called telephone man to…to put…to stick…I am so incensed I can’t even
write what it is. Excuse me while I take
a cold shower. That’s better.
The writer then
had the so called effrontery to criticise dear old George Formby and dear old
Marie Lloyd; two of the finest so called entertainers the dear old Empire has
ever produced. How on earth could there
be anything suggestive about somebody sitting in their garden admiring the
results of their own hard work, iyee home-grown vegetables - cabbages, peas and
leeks? Nothing suggestive about them at
all. Not like carrots, or cucumbers, or
marrows. I certainly don’t have a dirty
mind, but if the song had been about her handling the gardener’s marrow……Excuse
me while I take a cold shower. That’s
better.
In the same so
called piece the so called author mentions that filthy, dirty-minded so called
singer, Jake Thackray; a man who was absolutely obsessed with…ess ee
ecks…there, I’ve said it. His songs were
riddled with it. His Bantam Cock…a euphemism if ever there
was one…is about a randy rooster who just fu…‘services’ every other bird in
sight. It is filth! Pure disgusting filth! Brother
Gorilla is about an amorous ape who fu…‘has his way with’ a clergyman. Filth!
I don’t want to hear so called humorous songs about a big primate
doing…that…to a so called clergyman. I
don’t care to imagine such a thing…a gorilla…and a clergyman…Excuse me while I
take a cold shower. That’s better.
Finally, I take
so called exception to the so called writer’s obsession with female
geni…‘bits’. Yes, the week before last
he (I am assuming it is a he, because only a man would be so obsessed with…you
know what) made a very crude joke about a lady’s fa… front bottom. And last week he mentioned the word breasts;
I was flabbergasted. And he also said
that a certain so called football team’s name was rhyming slang. I cannot understand what he means; the team
are Bristol City
Yours
disgustedly,
(The late) Mary
Whitehouse [Rhyming slang for outside toilet. – Ed.]
Thank you for
your concern I shall endeavour to address all or none of the points you make. Hey, guess whose birthday it is today (16th
of August for those of you reading this at a time other than its publication
date). Madonna Louise Ciccone; known
globally as Mad Donna. She is 56
today. She is known for adopting
children, doing rude things (that okay Mrs Shitehouse?) while singing and being
unable to act. One of the rude things
she is famous for is appearing on stage wearing two ice cream cones instead of
a bra. Anyway, there must be something
worth gramblerising in her vast repertoire.
How about Like a Grambler (Hey, grambled for the very first time)? Perhaps not.
Papa Don’t Gramble? No, I think
we’ll have…
Grambling in a grambling
world
And I am a grambling girl
You know that we are grambling in a grambling world
And I am a grambling girl
And I am a grambling girl
You know that we are grambling in a grambling world
And I am a grambling girl
Okay, let’s move
on. Robin Williams died this week. Acclaimed as one of the zanier comics of his
generation, his stand-up shows were always frantic affairs; he was absolutely
manic on stage. Quite zany, in fact. He first came to our attention as a zany
alien in the hit comedy show Dork…sorry…Mork and Mindy. The show made him a star and soon film
directors were queuing up to tap into his zany talents. He gave us a zany take on Popeye. He was a zany toy manufacturer in Toys, a
zany deejay in Good Morning Vietnam and a zany cartoon voiceover actor in Mrs
Doubtfire. He has done loads of other
stuff, some of it serious, a lot of it zany.
In fact to my mind there is only one word to describe the man…annoying.
Football. I just have to share this with you.
As the football pundits might say – The
boy Robertson done well.
Here’s another
picture…
Ahhh…Isn’t that nice?
Er, I want to
apologise to Rangers. You see, last week
I predicted that they would win promotion to the SPL at the end of the current
season. Well, you know my success at
predicting…remember the ‘Spain
How did our
predictions go last week? Read on…
Game 1 – Derby
County Rotherham
Prediction - Home win
Result – Derby
County Rotherham
0
Jeff Hendrick
scored the only goal with nine minutes remaining to give Derby
Woohoo! Good start Grambler. Keep it up.
Game 2 – Wigan
Athletic vs Reading
Prediction – Home win
Result – Wigan
Athletic 2 Reading 2
Well that was
short-lived. Wrong, Grambler. Wrong.
Callum McManaman put the hosts in front before the break when he took
advantage of a deflection. But Reading turned the game on its head with two goals in five
minutes from Shaun Cummings - the first of his career - and Sean Morrison.
Wigan
refused to give in and Scotland midfielder James McArthur nodded home from close
range in a frantic finish.
Game 3 – Sheffield United vs Bristol City
Prediction – Home win
Result – Sheffield United 1 Bristol City 2
Rubbish. One out of three! Call yourself The Grambler!
The visitors took the lead after 20 minutes when Mark Little's run
ended with a fine cross to fellow debutant Aaron Wilbraham, who headed in his
first league goal in over two years.
Ben Davies' free-kick was met by new Blades skipper (and ex-Motherwell
goal machine) Michael Higdon, whose header brought the game level after 32
minutes.
But on 72 minutes Wade Elliott hammered home from Wilbraham's flick to
win it for City.
Game 4 – Oxford United vs Burton Albion
Prediction – Away win
Result – Oxford United 0 Burton Albion 1
Yay! Another one right, so there
must be some money back.
Lucas Akins pounced from eight yards in the 42nd minute to score the
only goal of the match after Stuart Beavon's powerful run past two defenders on
the left carved open Oxford's defence.
Dominic Knowles squandered a good chance for Burton when he miss-kicked
(I lifted the bulk of this from a reporter’s text and left that howler in there
to show the quality of writing that gets in print – or on line, should I say –
without anyone thinking to trouble a proof-reader. Shocking.) from eight yards out.
Alfie Potter went close for Oxford when his header from Joe Riley's right-wing cross was
kept out by Jon McLaughlin.
Game 5 – Cowdenbeath vs Falkirk
Prediction – Away win
Result – Cowdenbeath 2 Falkirk 2
Boo! Another one wrong. The write-up that follows is lifted straight
from the BBC website…
Botti Bia-Bi's header ensured Falkirk took a point
from Central Park in a game that Cowdenbeath led twice.
Lewis Milne took advantage of a sleepy defence to give the hosts a
first-half lead.
But Falkirk pegged them back straight after the break through a
wonderfully curled finish by striker Rory Loy.
Ex-Bairn Sean Higgins side-footed past Jamie MacDonald to put
Cowdenbeath ahead again before Bia-Bi nodded in Liam Dick's cross.
The emergence of the London-born, Scottish forward Bia-Bi is an
exciting one for Falkirk fans still disappointed with the loss of other young
talents Stephen Kingsley and Jay Fulton to Swansea City.
And the 18-year-old will hope to provide support for Loy, who netted 21
last season and is already on three goals in this 2014-15 campaign.
Cowdenbeath lost their opening three league games last season so will
be glad to get a point on the board after day one, although boss Jimmy Nicholl
was understandably frustrated his men failed to take all three.
After a dull start, Milne's second strike in as many games showed the
Blue Brazil could contend with a Falkirk starting XI of whom four played Scottish Premiership
football last season.
Loy's equaliser was largely thanks to a lovely through ball by Blair
Alston, who himself tested Cowdenbeath goalkeeper Thomas Flynn on a few
occasions.
Falkirk's defence showed a hesitancy that Houston will want to correct before the visit of Rangers on
Friday night, with Higgins only too happy to take advantage of it here.
But perhaps teenager Bia-Bi will seek to show more of what he can do
when Ally McCoist's side arrive at the Falkirk Stadium.
Hmm…Do you think the writer might be a Falkirk fan?
Anyway, all this nonsense means that the first week of the new season
began not too goodly for The Grambler.
As only two results went our way, our winnings this week were…
£0.91
Considering the stake money is £2.20, that isn’t a good enough
return. So can The Grambler improve this
week? Let’s find out, by asking The
Grambler to randomly select five games and their results from this Saturday’s
senior leagues’ fixtures. There are 56
games taking place on Saturday the 16th of August at 3pm . Before we go
any further, can I have a little moan? [You moan? Never. – Ed.]
It concerns the Beeb Beeb Ceeb attitude towards Scotland. You see, I
always go to the Beeb fixtures list before any other. It regularly peeves me that their listing
goes in this order – Barclay’s Premier League, Sky Bet Championship, Scottish
Premiership, Sky Bet League One, Sky Bet League Two…Okay, so far, but why have
the Scottish Premiership in the middle of the English leagues? Surely, they should have followed the pools
coupon way of English leagues then Scottish.
However, it then gets even sillier…After League Two you would expect the
rest of the Scottish leagues, wouldn’t you?
Not at the Beeb. The list
continues – Conference Premier, Conference North, Conference South, then
Scottish Championship, League One and League Two. Why?
Conference leagues? Before the
Scottish leagues? No wonder I dislike
the Beeb’s attitude to Scotland so much.
This week, though, they really have excelled themselves in their utter
disdain of Scottish football. Why? Because between the Conference South and
Scottish Championship listings, there is an extra listing: The FA Cup
Qualifying – Extra fn Preliminary Round.
What? Someone at the Beeb
considers this to be more significant than Scottish leagues! It’s not even the competition proper; just a
fn ‘extra’ round! It really does bug
me. 163 games in that competition. Yes, it is great that these teams get the
chance to qualify for the FA Cup but, come on.
Surely Rangers, Hibs and Hearts deserve greater prominence than Pegasus
Juniors, Lincoln Moorlands Railway and Hassocks! I said Hassocks. Is the Beeb taking the fn p***!
All right…I’ll calm down. Here
are this week’s predictions.
As I am composing this on Saturday morning, I am sorry to have to tell
you that I am a bit short of time and won’t be able to give you my usual
insightful analysis [Ha ha ha ha ha! – Ed.] of the games randomly picked by The
Grambler. Instead I will just give you
the deal without the spiel [You do realise you have just wasted time by typing
that. And this, for that matter. – Ed.].
Game
- Result - Odds
West
Ham vs Tottenham Hotspur – Prediction Away win – 21/20
Alloa
vs Raith Rovers – Prediction Away win – 23/20
Annan
Athletic vs Queens
Park
Those odds are not great; total odds
work out at 24/1. If you were to put the
usual 20 pees bet on (10 doubles and 1 accumulator) you could win…
£12.36
However, this week (and it may only be
this week) I have decided to split the bet between footie and gee gees. Thus, for the doubles bet I have put the
minimum amount possible on the doubles bet – 10 pees. I have, though, still gone for the 20 pees
accumulator [Are you sure you can afford it? – Ed.]. So, if all games go as predicted the Kicking
Bowel Cancer’s Backside will receive a miserable…
£8.69
Not much.
Any road up, on to the gee gee bet.
Meeting
– Time – Horse – Odds
Market Rasen 18.10 Lucky Cody 1/2
Thanks
to rather short prices again, the odds if all five come up are a not very
impressive 24/1 again.
I
will give you the results on Twitter (@LetsGramble) tomorrow.
Shall
we have the answer to last week’s teaser?
I asked you which Premiership player (past or present) has the longest surname. The answer is of course Jan Vennegoor of
Hesselink with 20 characters. Imagine
having to pay to put that name on the back of your replica strip!
Right, this week’s teaser. I know we have a few readers in the good old
U S of A, so here is a question you might like.
Which American has played the most games in the English Premiership? Another easy peasy lemon squeezy there, I
think.
And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I think we should finish
the way we finished last week; with a song.
Earlier, mention was made of Chuck Berry’s only UK number one – My Dingaling. Let’s face it, it wasn’t really an indicator
of his other work. So let’s end with one
of his real classics - Johnny B. Goode
Happy Grambling.
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