Saturday, 16 August 2014

Week 2 Mary Whitehouse writes to The Grambler


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

We begin this week’s edition with a letter received from a Mrs Whitehouse who seems to be a little unhappy with recent articles.  It is reprinted here in its entirety…

 

Sir,

I am writing this from beyond the grave because I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about last week's so called Grambler.
As you know, when I was alive I made it my life's work to mind other people's business.  I feel that it would be wrong of me to allow last week's so called item to go unchallenged.  I was disgusted to read so many filthy words in one article; in the first paragraph alone I read fourteen four lettered words! To say I was disgusted would be a so called understatement.
When I read the rest of the so called article... Well!  I have never before read such a vile, filthy, disgusting so called blog.  I was shocked that the so called writer of this so called piece of filth even dared to mention my name in the name of so called humour.  Yes, I did complain about so called Chuck Berry inviting people to play with his so called ding-a-ling; I was only speaking out for the so called silent minority.  I wouldn’t want to touch his ding-a-ling, I can tell you.  I certainly don’t have a dirty mind but what he was suggesting was nothing more than inviting people to take hold of his…his…Excuse me while I take a cold shower.  That’s better.

Then the so called author mentioned another dirty, filthy song, iyee Telephone Man by so called Meri Wilson, I nearly spilt my ovaltine.  It is obvious to me that the song had nothing at all to do with telephones and I certainly don’t have a dirty mind.  It was nothing more than an invitation for the so called telephone man to…to put…to stick…I am so incensed I can’t even write what it is.  Excuse me while I take a cold shower.  That’s better.

The writer then had the so called effrontery to criticise dear old George Formby and dear old Marie Lloyd; two of the finest so called entertainers the dear old Empire has ever produced.  How on earth could there be anything suggestive about somebody sitting in their garden admiring the results of their own hard work, iyee home-grown vegetables - cabbages, peas and leeks?  Nothing suggestive about them at all.  Not like carrots, or cucumbers, or marrows.  I certainly don’t have a dirty mind, but if the song had been about her handling the gardener’s marrow……Excuse me while I take a cold shower.  That’s better.

In the same so called piece the so called author mentions that filthy, dirty-minded so called singer, Jake Thackray; a man who was absolutely obsessed with…ess ee ecks…there, I’ve said it.  His songs were riddled with it.  His Bantam Cock…a euphemism if ever there was one…is about a randy rooster who just fu…‘services’ every other bird in sight.  It is filth!  Pure disgusting filth!  Brother Gorilla is about an amorous ape who fu…‘has his way with’ a clergyman.  Filth!  I don’t want to hear so called humorous songs about a big primate doing…that…to a so called clergyman.  I don’t care to imagine such a thing…a gorilla…and a clergyman…Excuse me while I take a cold shower.  That’s better.

Finally, I take so called exception to the so called writer’s obsession with female geni…‘bits’.  Yes, the week before last he (I am assuming it is a he, because only a man would be so obsessed with…you know what) made a very crude joke about a lady’s fa… front bottom.  And last week he mentioned the word breasts; I was flabbergasted.  And he also said that a certain so called football team’s name was rhyming slang.  I cannot understand what he means; the team are Bristol City which doesn’t even rhyme with bre…lady bumps.

Yours disgustedly,

(The late) Mary Whitehouse [Rhyming slang for outside toilet. – Ed.]

 

Thank you for your concern I shall endeavour to address all or none of the points you make.  Hey, guess whose birthday it is today (16th of August for those of you reading this at a time other than its publication date).  Madonna Louise Ciccone; known globally as Mad Donna.  She is 56 today.  She is known for adopting children, doing rude things (that okay Mrs Shitehouse?) while singing and being unable to act.  One of the rude things she is famous for is appearing on stage wearing two ice cream cones instead of a bra.  Anyway, there must be something worth gramblerising in her vast repertoire.  How about Like a Grambler (Hey, grambled for the very first time)?  Perhaps not.  Papa Don’t Gramble?  No, I think we’ll have…

 

Grambling in a grambling world
And I am a grambling girl
You know that we are grambling in a grambling world
And I am a grambling  girl

 

Okay, let’s move on.  Robin Williams died this week.  Acclaimed as one of the zanier comics of his generation, his stand-up shows were always frantic affairs; he was absolutely manic on stage.   Quite zany, in fact.  He first came to our attention as a zany alien in the hit comedy show Dork…sorry…Mork and Mindy.  The show made him a star and soon film directors were queuing up to tap into his zany talents.  He gave us a zany take on Popeye.  He was a zany toy manufacturer in Toys, a zany deejay in Good Morning Vietnam and a zany cartoon voiceover actor in Mrs Doubtfire.  He has done loads of other stuff, some of it serious, a lot of it zany.  In fact to my mind there is only one word to describe the man…annoying.

 

Football.  I just have to share this with you.

 


 

As the football pundits might say – The boy Robertson done well.

 

Here’s another picture…


 

Ahhh…Isn’t that nice?

 

Er, I want to apologise to Rangers.  You see, last week I predicted that they would win promotion to the SPL at the end of the current season.  Well, you know my success at predicting…remember the ‘Spain to win the World Cup’ shocker?  Last week, having gone the whole of last season without losing a game, in the first game of the new season, Rangers…lost.  Sorry Rangers.

 

How did our predictions go last week?  Read on…

Game 1 – Derby County vs Rotherham

Prediction - Home win

Result – Derby County 1 Rotherham 0

Jeff Hendrick scored the only goal with nine minutes remaining to give Derby the win.  Steve Evans' newly-promoted Millers almost snatched a point in the last minute when Craig Forsyth cleared a Kieran Agard shot off the line.

Woohoo!  Good start Grambler.  Keep it up.

 

Game 2 – Wigan Athletic vs Reading

Prediction – Home win

Result – Wigan Athletic 2 Reading 2

Well that was short-lived.  Wrong, Grambler.  Wrong.

Callum McManaman put the hosts in front before the break when he took advantage of a deflection.   But Reading turned the game on its head with two goals in five minutes from Shaun Cummings - the first of his career - and Sean Morrison.

Wigan refused to give in and Scotland midfielder James McArthur nodded home from close range in a frantic finish.

Game 3 – Sheffield United vs Bristol City

Prediction – Home win

Result – Sheffield United 1 Bristol City 2

Rubbish.  One out of three!  Call yourself The Grambler!

The visitors took the lead after 20 minutes when Mark Little's run ended with a fine cross to fellow debutant Aaron Wilbraham, who headed in his first league goal in over two years.

Ben Davies' free-kick was met by new Blades skipper (and ex-Motherwell goal machine) Michael Higdon, whose header brought the game level after 32 minutes.

But on 72 minutes Wade Elliott hammered home from Wilbraham's flick to win it for City.

Game 4 – Oxford United vs Burton Albion

Prediction – Away win

Result – Oxford United 0 Burton Albion 1

Yay!  Another one right, so there must be some money back.

Lucas Akins pounced from eight yards in the 42nd minute to score the only goal of the match after Stuart Beavon's powerful run past two defenders on the left carved open Oxford's defence.

Dominic Knowles squandered a good chance for Burton when he miss-kicked (I lifted the bulk of this from a reporter’s text and left that howler in there to show the quality of writing that gets in print – or on line, should I say – without anyone thinking to trouble a proof-reader.  Shocking.) from eight yards out.

Alfie Potter went close for Oxford when his header from Joe Riley's right-wing cross was kept out by Jon McLaughlin.

Game 5 – Cowdenbeath vs Falkirk

Prediction – Away win

Result – Cowdenbeath 2 Falkirk 2

Boo!  Another one wrong.  The write-up that follows is lifted straight from the BBC website…

Botti Bia-Bi's header ensured Falkirk took a point from Central Park in a game that Cowdenbeath led twice.

Lewis Milne took advantage of a sleepy defence to give the hosts a first-half lead.

But Falkirk pegged them back straight after the break through a wonderfully curled finish by striker Rory Loy.

Ex-Bairn Sean Higgins side-footed past Jamie MacDonald to put Cowdenbeath ahead again before Bia-Bi nodded in Liam Dick's cross.

The emergence of the London-born, Scottish forward Bia-Bi is an exciting one for Falkirk fans still disappointed with the loss of other young talents Stephen Kingsley and Jay Fulton to Swansea City.

And the 18-year-old will hope to provide support for Loy, who netted 21 last season and is already on three goals in this 2014-15 campaign.

Cowdenbeath lost their opening three league games last season so will be glad to get a point on the board after day one, although boss Jimmy Nicholl was understandably frustrated his men failed to take all three.

After a dull start, Milne's second strike in as many games showed the Blue Brazil could contend with a Falkirk starting XI of whom four played Scottish Premiership football last season.

Loy's equaliser was largely thanks to a lovely through ball by Blair Alston, who himself tested Cowdenbeath goalkeeper Thomas Flynn on a few occasions.

Falkirk's defence showed a hesitancy that Houston will want to correct before the visit of Rangers on Friday night, with Higgins only too happy to take advantage of it here.

But perhaps teenager Bia-Bi will seek to show more of what he can do when Ally McCoist's side arrive at the Falkirk Stadium.

Hmm…Do you think the writer might be a Falkirk fan?

Anyway, all this nonsense means that the first week of the new season began not too goodly for The Grambler.  As only two results went our way, our winnings this week were…

£0.91

Considering the stake money is £2.20, that isn’t a good enough return.  So can The Grambler improve this week?  Let’s find out, by asking The Grambler to randomly select five games and their results from this Saturday’s senior leagues’ fixtures.  There are 56 games taking place on Saturday the 16th of August at 3pm.  Before we go any further, can I have a little moan? [You moan?  Never. – Ed.]  It concerns the Beeb Beeb Ceeb attitude towards Scotland.  You see, I always go to the Beeb fixtures list before any other.  It regularly peeves me that their listing goes in this order – Barclay’s Premier League, Sky Bet Championship, Scottish Premiership, Sky Bet League One, Sky Bet League Two…Okay, so far, but why have the Scottish Premiership in the middle of the English leagues?  Surely, they should have followed the pools coupon way of English leagues then Scottish.  However, it then gets even sillier…After League Two you would expect the rest of the Scottish leagues, wouldn’t you?  Not at the Beeb.  The list continues – Conference Premier, Conference North, Conference South, then Scottish Championship, League One and League Two.  Why?  Conference leagues?  Before the Scottish leagues?  No wonder I dislike the Beeb’s attitude to Scotland so much.

This week, though, they really have excelled themselves in their utter disdain of Scottish football.  Why?  Because between the Conference South and Scottish Championship listings, there is an extra listing: The FA Cup Qualifying – Extra fn Preliminary Round.  What?  Someone at the Beeb considers this to be more significant than Scottish leagues!  It’s not even the competition proper; just a fn ‘extra’ round!  It really does bug me.  163 games in that competition.  Yes, it is great that these teams get the chance to qualify for the FA Cup but, come on.  Surely Rangers, Hibs and Hearts deserve greater prominence than Pegasus Juniors, Lincoln Moorlands Railway and Hassocks!  I said Hassocks.  Is the Beeb taking the fn p***!

All right…I’ll calm down.  Here are this week’s predictions.

As I am composing this on Saturday morning, I am sorry to have to tell you that I am a bit short of time and won’t be able to give you my usual insightful analysis [Ha ha ha ha ha! – Ed.] of the games randomly picked by The Grambler.  Instead I will just give you the deal without the spiel [You do realise you have just wasted time by typing that. And this, for that matter. – Ed.].

Game - Result - Odds

 

West Ham vs Tottenham Hotspur – Prediction Away win – 21/20

Blackpool vs Blackburn – Prediction Away win – 8/11

Cheltenham vs Accrington Stanley (Yay!) – Prediction Home win (Boo!) – 11/10

Alloa vs Raith Rovers – Prediction Away win – 23/20

Annan Athletic vs Queens Park – Prediction Home win – 4/7

 

Those odds are not great; total odds work out at 24/1.  If you were to put the usual 20 pees bet on (10 doubles and 1 accumulator) you could win…

£12.36

However, this week (and it may only be this week) I have decided to split the bet between footie and gee gees.  Thus, for the doubles bet I have put the minimum amount possible on the doubles bet – 10 pees.  I have, though, still gone for the 20 pees accumulator [Are you sure you can afford it? – Ed.].  So, if all games go as predicted the Kicking Bowel Cancer’s Backside will receive a miserable…

£8.69

Not much.

Any road up, on to the gee gee bet.

 

Meeting – Time – Horse – Odds

 

Ripon                  14.15         Thorkill Star                                   5/4

Newmarket        15.55         Winter Thunder                    5/6

Perth                   16.05         Never Never                                   11/10

Chester               17.30         Notarised                                        11/8

Market Rasen    18.10         Lucky Cody                                    1/2

Thanks to rather short prices again, the odds if all five come up are a not very impressive 24/1 again.

I will give you the results on Twitter (@LetsGramble) tomorrow.

 

Shall we have the answer to last week’s teaser?  I asked you which Premiership player (past or present) has the longest surname.  The answer is of course Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink with 20 characters.  Imagine having to pay to put that name on the back of your replica strip!

Right, this week’s teaser.  I know we have a few readers in the good old U S of A, so here is a question you might like.  Which American has played the most games in the English Premiership?  Another easy peasy lemon squeezy there, I think.

 

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I think we should finish the way we finished last week; with a song.  Earlier, mention was made of Chuck Berry’s only UK number one – My Dingaling.  Let’s face it, it wasn’t really an indicator of his other work.  So let’s end with one of his real classics - Johnny B. Goode

 

Happy Grambling.

 

 

 

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