Friday, 22 August 2014

Week 3 - The Grambler on shampoo


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which recently appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

I have just seen another daft advert.  Oxpical Eptress this time.  They are promoting laser eye surgery.  They claim that many people who undergo the surgery, or victims as I like to call them, achieve 20/20 vision or better.  Now, I know that 20/20 vision does not mean perfect vision; what it means is that at 20 feet your vision is about as good as it can be.  So what does better than 20/20 vision mean?  Does it mean 30/20 vision?  That is you can see at 30 feet what a person with excellent vision can see at 20?  In that case, surely everyone needs laser eye surgery.  Or have I got the wrong end of the stick? [What, again? – Ed.]

Of course, adverts have always made ridiculous claims about the product they are trying to shift.  The award for the most outrageous claims must surely go to the advertisements for ‘hair care products’ or shampoo as it used to be known.  You see some young lady with supposedly ‘troublesome’ hair – What the hell is troublesome hair?  Does it keep trying to strangle you, or something? – washing her hair with a particular ‘product’ and suddenly her hair is glossy and when she turns her head, her hair waves about in slow motion.  That is one amazing product; not only does it clean your hair but it manages to slow down its movement.  Wow!  Bollocks!

Another describes someone as having flyaway hair.  What the f… What is flyaway hair.  The only example I can think of is Donald Trump.

Then you get the ridiculous claims about a product containing some chemical – which is always some crazy made-up name, but sounds feasible to anyone who is gullible enough – which actually ‘mends’ your hair.  I’m sorry?  I don’t recall my hair ever being broken.

What the advertiser is trying to do is sell the product as something different to all the rival products.  For some reason, hair ‘product’ advertisers can claim anything about the stuff they are trying to sell, all of it patently untrue, and get away with it.  What ever happened to Trading Standards?

One point that none of these adverts makes is that all hair shampoo is basically the same stuff – detergent.  It can be differently coloured, have a different scent and have a different viscosity (That’s a good word; must look it up.) to other brands, but it is all the same.

Manufacturers sell different ‘grades’ of shampoo; you get one for dry hair, one for medium hair, one for greasy hair… do you know what?  Same stuff.  Different viscosity, that’s all.  So, for dry hair read reasonably clean hair, for medium hair read hair that needs a wash and for greasy hair read really filthy, or mokkit as we say around these parts.  If you use a ‘dry hair’ shampoo on mokkit hair, it will still clean it; it will just require a lot of shampoo to do the job.  Conversely use ‘greasy hair’ shampoo on reasonably clean hair and it will take barely any at all.  As the old Campbell’s soup advert used to say – the difference is in the thickness.  No no no, don’t start washing your hair with soup; I’m only using the advertising slogan to make a point.

How can I prove this?  Simple.  Wash your hair with shampoo.  Then wash it again.  You barely need any shampoo the second time.  Right?  That’s because your hair is clean when you wash it a second time.

What the advert should say is…

Our shampoo is dead good.  If your hair is dirty, washing it in our shampoo will make it clean.

…Trouble is, it isn’t the snappiest way to sell a product.

Here’s something to mull over.  Years ago there was a fashion on British TV for ‘science made easy’ type programmes.  One such was Don’t Ask Me on ITV and it made stars of Miriam Stoppard [Who? – Ed.], David Bellamy [Who? – Ed.], a botanist who was famous for ‘wummaging awound’, and Magnus Pyke [Who? – Ed.].  Magnus Pyke was an excitable little scientist who used to wave his arms about manically as he enthusiastically explained some basic science principle.  He later appeared on Thomas Dolby’s She Blinded me with Science record.  As is still the case, the other channel – the Beeb – couldn’t see green cheese and had to have its own version which was called Bodymatters.  It featured Dr Graeme Garden – he of Goodies and Hamish and Dougal fame – who I recall conducted an experiment in hair cleaning throughout the 6 week run of the programme.  A lady from the audience volunteered to stop washing her hair.  After 1 week her hair was looking a bit greasy.  After 2 weeks, it was looking pretty mokkit.  Ditto after 3 weeks.  However, after 4 weeks, it was beginning to look okay.  After 5 weeks it actually looked better than it had in the first programme.

The point to be drawn from this little experiment was that washing your hair is wrong.  You are losing important natural oils in the process.  These oils are what makes your hair glossy, your scalp free from dandruff and make it generally more ‘manageable’ as the advertising men would have it.

So, all you ‘hair product’ manufacturers out there – we don’t need you or your product.  Go and produce something useful; like food.

 

Any birthdays of note this week?  Yes indeedy, doody, yessiree.  It’s that good ol’ boy Kenny Rogers.  76 years old on the 21st of August.  More famous now for looking nothing like he used to (see pics below), he has had a good few hits over the years.  Any worth gramblerising?  I suppose the obvious one should be The G(r)ambler, but I think we will go for this Bee Gees penned song which Kenny sang with the pneumatic Miss Parton.

 

Gramblers in the stream, that is what we are
No one in between, how can we be wrong
Gramble away with me, to another world
And we gramble each other, uh huh
From one grambler to another, uh huh

 


 

As with so many people who want to mess with their looks, old Kenny seems to have gone a bit too far.  Would you have recognised this as being two pictures of the same person?  Incidentally, the picture on the left is a more recent version of Mr Rogers.

 

All righty, time to get on with some grambling.  How did last week’s gramble go?  Good and bad.  You what? 

Game 1 - West ‘am vs Tottingham Hotspur

Prediction – Away win

Result – West ‘am 0 Totingham Hotspur 1

Declaration – Yay!

Defender Eric (not so) Dier scored a dramatic winner on his Tottingham debut to give Mauricio Pochettino the perfecto starto to his career as Spurs bosso with victory at West Ham.

Both sides finished the game with 10 men, with Tottenham's Kyle Naughton sent off for handling inside the area.

Mark Noble fired wide from the spot-kick – pillock - before the Hammers had James Collins sent off for a second booking.

Game 2 – Blackpyool vs Blackburn

Prediction – Away win

Result – Blackpyool 1 Blackburn 2

Declaration – Yay! Again

Two goals from Rudy Gestede were enough for Blackburn to beat Lancashire rivals Blackpool in the Championship.

Gestede's first, a neat finish from inside the box, put Blackburn 1-0 up and he headed in Craig Conway's cross to double the lead after half-time.

Tomasz Cywka brought Blackpool back into the match, his tame shot squirming past Rovers goalkeeper Paul Robinson.

Robinson denied Nathan Delfouneso an equaliser with a fine save, while Corry Evans hit a post for the visitors.

Game 3 – Cheltingham vs Accrington (best footie team name in the world) Stanley

Prediction – Home win

Result – Cheltingham 2 Accrington Stan 1

Declaration – a qualified Yay

Koby Arthur struck late as Cheltenham beat Accrington 2-1 to secure back-to-back league wins at the start of the season for the first time since 2006.

Byron Harrison scored on the rebound to hand Cheltenham a 34th-minute lead but Kal Naismith levelled from the edge of the area with 13 minutes remaining.

Arthur latched onto a long clearance downfield to net an 84th-minute winner.

The visitors were awarded a last-gasp penalty after a foul on Piero Mingoia but Naismith fired over the bar.

Game 4 – Aloha vs Raif Rovers

Prediction – Away win

Result – Aloha 0 Raif Rovers 1

Declaration – Woo hoo!!!

An early Ryan Conroy goal secured a win for Raif Rovers over Aloha Afletic in a close contest.

Conroy capitalised on indecisive goalkeeping from John Gibson to rifle home from six yards.

The Wasps wasted numerous chances to draw level in the first half, with striker Liam Buchanan putting two headers over the bar.

Christian Nade, Grant Anderson and Greig Spence threatened for Raith in the second half.

As Sam Leitch once famously said ‘They’ll be dancing in the streets of Raith tonight.’

Game 5 – Annan Afletic vs Queen Spark

Prediction – Home win

Result – Annan 0 Queen Spark 1

Declaration – Booooooooo!!!

Annan Athletic remain bottom of Scottish League Two after Queen's Park inflicted a second straight defeat on the Galabank side.

The visitors nabbed the only goal with the clock ticking towards the interval, Shaun Fraser finding the top corner following Darren Miller's pass.

The hosts were reduced to 10 men after Peter Watson picked up two bookings inside five second-half minutes.

And depleted Annan could not find a leveller.

So there we have it, the footie bet did reasonably well, with 4 out of 5 predictions being correct.  It meant we got double our stake money back.  Woo hoo, do I hear you say?  Too premature, I’m afraid.  You see there was rugger ball return on our gee gee bet.  All this means is that our 2 x £2.20 bets won us the grand total of…

+4 pees

Mince or what?

 

Let’s see what The Grambler has come up with this week.  From 58 senior games taking place this Saturday the 23rd of August at 3pm, The Grambler will pick 5 for us to have a little bet on…but first, a moan.  Flippin’ BBC!  Again!  They’ve done it again!  Football listings for this week go in this order – Premier League, Championship, Scottish Premiership, League One, League Two…With me so far?  Now this is where I had a little grumble last week, because, instead of  the other three Scottish leagues the BBC gave us the flaming Conference Leagues!  What do we get this week?  Women’s Super League.  That’s what.  Now I don’t think I am being sexist here.  Since when did women’s football take precedence over Scottish senior fotball leagues?  Mmm?  Eventually, after the various Conference Leagues we do finally, finally get the remaining Scottish leagues.  That is what the Beeb thinks of Scotland!

Okay, rant over.  What are this week’s predictions?

 

Game - Result - Odds

 

Swansea vs Burnley – Prediction Home win – 13/20

For our first game The Grambler takes us to the Liberty Stadium where the Swans play host to the Clarets.  The Grambler thinks that newly promoted Burnley will lose this game.  Hard to argue with that given that Swansea started the season with a win against Man U at Old Trafford.  However, it should be pointed out that Burnley, although beaten by Chelsea on Monday evening, did take the lead in that game.  I think I would agree with The Grambler on this one.

Brighton vs Bolton – Prediction Home win – Evens

Game two takes us to the Falmer Stadium where the Seagulls play host to the Trotters.  The Grambler thinks Brighton will take all three points here.  Neither side has begun the season too well.  Both have lost two from three, but Brighton have won the other game and Bolton only drew theirs.  Not much to choose between them?  Brighton won both of the encounters last season, so hopefully (for The Grambler’s sake) they will continue that run.

Oxford United vs Portsmouth – Prediction Away win – 6/4

Game number three takes us to the Kassam Stadium where the Us play host to Pompey.  The Grambler reckons Portsmouth will win this one.  Hmm.  Given that Oxford finished higher in the league last season, I reckon The Grambler has called this one wrong, especially as Oxford took 4 points from the previous two encounters.  However, Portsmouth have started this season brightly and Oxford are still looking for a win.  Maybe The Grambler is onto something as opposed to just being on something.

Hibernian vs Falkirk – Prediction Home win – 3/4

Hoibees!  Hoibees!  Game number four takes us to Easter Road where the Hoibees play host to the Bairns.  Home win says The Grambler.  Hmm.  Hibs were relegated last year and Falkirk were very close to being promoted; I reckon Hibs will struggle to take all three points from this one.  Draw says I.

Dunfermline vs Airdrieonians – Prediction Home win – 8/13

For our fifth game of the week we are taken to East End Park where the Pars play host to the Diamonds.  Both sides are looking for their first win of the season, Airdrie having lost both games and Dunfermline managing a draw and a loss.  The Grambler reckons that Dunfermline will get that first win in this encounter.  The teams have met seven times in the league over the past two seasons – I know, crazy isn’t it – and the stats couldn’t be more even: three wins each and a draw.  The last meeting between the two at East End Park ended with Airdrie the victors.  I am thinking that maybe The Grambler has got this prediction wrong.

 

Those are your predictions.  The bet is on – 10 x 20 pee doubles and a single 20 pee accumulator.  How much will the Kicking Bowel Cancer’s Backside Fund be receiving if the bets all go our way?

£11.84

Could this be the week?  Could it?  Find out on Satdy night when the result will be posted on Twitter (@LetsGramble).

 

Time for the answer to last week’s teaser.  I asked which American footballer had played most games in the English Premiership.  The answer is, of course, Brad Friedel.  The 43 year old Tottingham Hotspur goalie has played 450 games and could add a few more before he hangs up his boots and gloves.

 

What about a teaser for this week?  Two questions in one here - Who is the youngest manager ever in British senior leagues?  What first did he achieve in January 1949?

 

Have fun trying to work that one out.

 

To finish this week I am going to forewarn you that next week’s article will be very different from what has gone before.  Watch this space…

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