Thursday, 27 November 2014

Week 17 - The Grambler's Christmas number one (two?)


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which recently appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

Dear Mr Grumbler,

I know the Premiership, Championship and Divisions 1 and 2 are called the English League, but there are Welsh teams play in it – Cardiff and Swansea come to mind.  I can’t think of any others.  Can you help?

Yours sincerely,

Rex Hamm.

WARNING:  The following text contains words which some readers might find offensive.  We are sorry if you are so easily upset.  We would suggest that you get a life.

This blog is supposed to make some reference to bowel cancer.  it does occasionally, but, more often than not, the only actual reference is in the first three paragraphs.  After that?  Nothing.  So this week I aim to rectify that.  It’s a decade since he last made an appearance, so Bob Geldof has been wheeled out of storage, dusted off and given a quick rub down with an oily rag.  Why?  Because it’s time to release Do They Know It’s Christmas for the umpteenth time [I think you’ll find it’s four. – Ed.]…

‘Come on Sir Bob, you can do it.’

‘Please donate to our worthy cause?’

‘No no no.  Too polite.  Come on Sir Bob, you must remember.’

‘Donate some money?’

‘Still too polite.  Surely you can’t have forgotten.  It was your catchphrase.’

‘I’ve got a catchphrase?’

‘Certainly.  You swear.’

‘Not me, I’m a knight of the realm.  I would never use bad language.’

‘Look, nobody will buy the record unless you use your catchphrase.  If you don’t, do you know what will happen?’

‘What?’

‘Simon Cowell will get his X Factor winner to be the Christmas number one.’

‘The f*** he will!  Give us the f****** money!  Now!’

‘Ahh, welcome back, Bob.’

‘F*** off!’

Where am I heading with this week's Grambler rant?  I think it's about time that we had a charity record in aid of bowel cancer research. The man that started it all, Saint Bob Geldof has got a lot to answer for.  We've had records for all sorts of causes, so why not bowel cancer?   What tune do you reckon we should do?  A Christmas song, perchance?  I’m dreaming of a Shite Christmas?  A good rap song would be perfect, especially if the word rap is in the title.  Why?  Because we could subtly alter that word to make it bowel cancer specific.  Rap becomes crap.  Hey bingo!  A song relating to bowel cancer.  Or speaking of Sir Bob, what about the old Boomtown Rats song - Rat Crap?  There are others that could be considered.  Itchypoo Park by the Small Faeces? The Clash favourite (S)Hitsville UK? Then there is the old Susan [Poosan? – Ed.] Maughan hit - I Want to be Jobby's Girl.  What about the Platters' - Only Poo?  There is the old classic (S)Train in Vain.  Then again there is the Robert Plant toon mentioned in an earlier edition of this blog - Big Log.  Perfect.  Of course, it is important to get the right artists to perform our tune.  Chris Rea and Dire Straits could get together to perform as 'The Punchline to a very old Gag'. If we did a (c)rap version, we could always get what's left of Run(s) DMC to perform it, or Jobby Brown.  Pity Barry Shite is no longer around to help out.  We could get Shitney Spears.  I wonder if Gladys Shite and the Poops are still on the go.
We could do with some big names to endorse it, of course.  Tom Poos, for example.  I know! William Shatner!  And not just because of his surname.  No, he was always telling us about his toilet habits on Star Trek.  Every episode began with him telling you about that day's visit to the loo.  Obviously, in whatever time the programme is set in the future the writers have decided that bowel movements should be taken very seriously indeed.  What do you mean you don't understand? Surely, his reference to captain's log on a particular date could refer to nothing else.  Although I thought it was a bit too much when he would add that there was no sign of Klingons.
That's the promotion sorted.  Marketing the song would be important too.  It wouldn't be much use if we recorded this song with some of the biggest toilet-related artists and then we didn't have the clout to get the thing played by the big radio stations.  There is only one man for the job(by) in my view; someone whose business acumen (That's a good word; must look it up) has been responsible for most of the Christmas number ones in recent years.  Well this year he could have a number one with a number two song.  Who, I hear you ask.  Obvious really - Simon Bowel!  Who groaned?  Come on, own up....

Okay, back to reality.  Yes, none of that is meant to be taken seriously.  Or is it?  One of the earliest signs of bowel (colorectal) cancer is a change in toilet habits and can include:

Bleeding from the back passage (rectum) or blood in your stools

A change in normal bowel habits to diarrhoea or looser stools, lasting longer than 4 to 6 weeks

A lump that your doctor can feel in your back passage or abdomen (more commonly on the right side)

A feeling of needing to strain in your back passage (as if you needed to pass a bowel motion)

Losing weight

Pain in your abdomen or back passage

A lower than normal level of red blood cells (anaemia)

Because bowel tumours can bleed, cancer of the bowel often causes a shortage of red blood cells. This is called anaemia and may cause tiredness and sometimes breathlessness.

Sometimes cancer can block the bowel. This is called a bowel obstruction. The symptoms include

Gripping pains in the abdomen

Feeling bloated

Constipation

Being sick

If you think anything is irregular, see your doctor.  If there’s a problem, don’t just sit on it [Ha! Very good. – Ed.].

Okay lecture over.  Any birthdays of note this week?  Why, yes.  Christian Doppler 1803 (inventor of the police siren), Louisa May Alcott 1832 (midget), Busby Berkeley 1895 (British Telecom advert), Clive Staples Lewis 1898 (joiner famous for his wardrobes), Jackie Stallone 1929 (mother of sylv…1929?  Who’s she kidding?), Jacques Chirac 1932 (similar to a he rack only feminine), John Mayall 1933 (employer of every decent guitarist Britain ever produced, according to rock historians.  Especially one whose initials are PG…Wazzock!), Ryan Giggs 1973 (ventriloquist son of Ronnie Biggs), Simon Amstell 1979 (brewery) and Dea Rebecca Smith 2013 (angel).  Hm.. none of that lot had any hits worth gramblerising.  Well, November 29th was a date we lost one of the musical greats; a guitarist (Incidentally he didn’t work with John Mayall, so he couldn’t have been any good, according to rock historians, especially PG…Twonk!) who didn’t really shine until he went solo and left the crappy little band which had obviously been holding him back.  The band was the Beatles, a beat combo who had a modicum of success in the 1960s.  The musical great?  George Harrison, who died on the 29th November 2001.  Now, I was never a great fan of the Beatles and always felt that Mr H got shoddy treatment from the rest of the band.  Well, two of them anyway.  Ringo was all right.  Every album ever produced had 90% Lennon/MacCartney songs and 10% by George Harrison.  That usually equated to one song or, at best, two.  Okay, he managed to get three onto Revolver; the others must have been feeling generous for that album.  Remember Dinna dinna dinna dinna dinna…Batman? Sorry, Taxman.  Not a great song, but at least it was political. But, hey, some of the other stuff he provided was as good as anything the other two ever produced… I Need You, It’s All Too Much, Within You Without You, Here Comes The Sun, Something, While My Guitar Gently Weeps… absolute belters every one.  So, I reckon that George Harrison deserves the ultimate accolade – to have one of his songs gramblerised!  Yay!  We have always had loads of Christmas songs, but here - 4 weeks early - is a new year song.  Take it away, George...

 

Gramble the old
Gramble the new
Gramble the old
Gramble the new

Gramble the false
Gramble the true
Gramble the old
Gramble the new

Ding-dong, ding-dong
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Ding-dong, ding-dong

Wise words there mate.  The next line of the song goes… Yesterday, today was tomorrow And tomorrow, today will be yesterday …Sounds like the kind of conversation you might have down the pub when you’ve had a few…

‘Right…See…tomorrow…right… is tomorrow…today, but tomorrow it’ll be today…won’t it?  Sobvious in’t it.  And today…right…it’ll be yesterday… tomorrow, cus the day after tomorrow will be tomorrow, tomorrow.  D’you see what I mean?  An’ today will be yesterday tomorrow.  Stands to reason…I think.  Hic.’

Methinks it is time to move onto grambling matters.  How did we get on last week?  Not good.  When I say not good, I really mean terribly.  We won absolutely nothing.  Not a thing.  Zilch.  Rugger ball.  How did that happen?  Read on…

Stoke vs Burnley – Prediction Home win

Result – Stoke 1 Burnley 2

Boo!

Danny Ings scored twice in two minutes as Burnley beat Stoke to claim their first away win of the season and move off the bottom of the Premier League.

Ings put the visitors ahead in the 12th minute when he tapped in after Asmir Begovic parried Ashley Barnes's cross.

The striker grabbed his second soon after, with another close-range finish following Michael ‘Keira’ Kightly's low pass.

Jon Walters pulled one back with a diving header for Stoke, but the Clarets held on for the valuable win.

Wigan vs Middlesbrough – Prediction Away win

Result – Wigan 1 Middlesbrough 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Shaun ‘the sheep’ Maloney’s goal from a wonderfully executed free-kick raised hopes that Wigan might win for only the second time since August, but Middlesbrough, who have only lost once in that time, replied with a goal from substitute Patrick ‘JC’ Bamford to keep their promotion challenge moving forward.

Notts County vs Yeovil – Prediction Home win

Result – Notts County 1 Yeovil 2

Nooooooo!

Yeovil scored two goals in the last six minutes as they beat Notts County to move off the bottom of League One.

Midfielder Gary Jones was sent-off for a two-footed tackle as the hosts were reduced to 10 men, while assistant boss Greg ‘Bud’ Abbott was sent to the stands.

Mike Petrasso latched onto a poor backpass to give Notts the lead.

Jordan Clarke scored twice late on as his near-post header pulled Yeovil level and his second header deflected in off the post for a dramatic win.

Mansfield vs Plymouth – Prediction Away win

Result – Mansfield 1 Plymouth 0

Aaaarghhh!

Plymouth’s Kelvin Mellor hit the crossbar with the goal at his mercy, while Andy ‘Les’ Kellett forced good save from Mansfield’s keeper Sascha Studer, as the visitors started the stronger.

Mansfield’s Vadaine Oliver, on loan from Crewe, lobbed Luke McCormick (uh huh) after being put through by Lee Beevers [Is that a spoonerism? The Monkees song – Then I faw her sace, now I’m a Lee Beever.  Yeah?  No?  Don’t mind me. – Ed.] to end the Stags' run of nine games without a win.

Studer blocked a Kellett shot from a tight angle in the second half, but Mansfield hung on and moved up to 17th in the League two table, while Plymouth slip to sixth.

Dunfermline vs Stirling – Prediction Home win

Result – Dunfermline 4 Stirling 0

Whoop de doo…At last.

We finally get one right.  Woo fn hoo.  There is a bonus though.  We’ve found him.  Yes indeedy.  It’s cracking name of the week time.  Gozie Ugwu – Isn’t that brilliant? - hit a hat-trick as Dunfermline ended a run of four League One games without a win.

The Pars were in front after five minutes when Ugwu headed in from a free-kick and the striker then fired home a shot which went in off the post.

Good work from Joshua Falkingham set up Ugwu's third goal on the hour.

Andy Stirling's free-kick stretched the home side's lead before Stirling Albion's Willie Robertson was sent off for a late lunge.

There you have it gramblerinis.  That is what went wrong last week.  If we had taken The Grambler’s predictions and done the exact opposite, we would have had three right and would probably won more than our stake money.  I am beginning to think that might be the way to go in future.  Let’s see what he/she/it comes up with this week…

Only 40 games for The Grambler to choose from this week thanks to there being only two Scottish games on this week – it’s Scottish Cup 4th round weekend.  Oh well, I am sure The Grambler can come up with five from what’s left.  So what has he/she/it come up with?

Game – Result – Odds

Swansea vs Crystal Palace – Prediction Home win – 4/5

Rotherham vs Blackpool – Prediction Home win – 8/11

Leeds vs Derby – Prediction Away win – 10/11

Crawley vs Chesterfield – Prediction Away win – 10/11

Shrewsbury vs Burton – Prediction Home win – 8/11

That’s what The Grambler has randomly selected this week.  What do you reckon?  Mmm.  No chance.  Any road up, if, by some miracle, all five results go our way our multiple bet (10 x 20pees doubles plus a 20pees accumulator) will return a not insubstantial…

£10.48

Not insubstantial?  Ten quids and a few pees?  Hardly substantial.  Anyway, if it comes up, that is the amount that will be heading for the Bobby Moore Fund via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund.

By the way, as Sir Bob’s record tells us, it’s Christmas time.  Now here’s something to consider – Would you rather pay loads of money to download a rather poor song in the name of charity, or would you rather just give to a charity which is never going to have a record out, but is just quietly going about the business of finding a cure for bowel cancer?  Obviously, it’s the latter, so I will remind you again of how to donate to The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund.  All you have to do is go to https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 and donate away.  I’ll repeat that https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 The minimum donation that can be accepted is just 2 quids, so don’t think you have to donate a huge amount.  If everyone reading this donates just 2 quids, the fund should go up by… ooh… at least a tenner.  Go on.  You know you want to.

And now… fanfare please… its teaser time.  Last week I asked who was the first player to score 100 goals in the English Premiershit.  The answer is, of course, the gentleman referenced in the Stranglers’ song Golden Brown.  You know it.  You do…

Golden brown, texture like sun
Lays me down, with my man Shearer
Throughout the night
No need to fight
Never a frown with golden brown

Yes, Hugh Cornwell must have been a Blackburn Rovers fan to include this week’s teaser answer – Alan Shearer – in the lyrics of his song.  What?  Misheard it?  Me?  You mean to say I’ve been listening to that song for years and thought they were singing ‘my man Shearer’, when they weren’t?  No.  Next you’ll be telling me the song isn’t about a nice cup of tea.

What about a teaser for this week?  Well, the figure 100 comes up again – sort of.  And it’s topical too.  John Terry has recently joined an illustrious group who have played more than 100 games in the Champions League, but who has played the most games in the competition.  Easy one for anyone who reads a newspaper.

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther a little bit of My Sweet Lord from the one, the only, George Harrison .

 

Happy Grambling.

 

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