Friday, 9 January 2015

Week 23 - Storytime with The Grambler


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Dear Mr Crambo,

I have noticed that whenever a letter appears in your article it always seems to refer to English clubs.  I am really surprised considering you are a Motherwell fan.  Your team don’t seem to be doing very well this season.  There can’t be many teams further down the league.  St Mirren I know are lower, but I can’t think of any others, can you?

Yours with love and affection,

Ross County.


Hello my little gramblerinis everywhere.  It’s story time.  Are you sitting comfortably?  Then I’ll begin.  Once upon a time there was a little girl who was known to everybody by the garish costume she always wore.  She was little, wore a riding cape which was red and had a hood [Hayley Cropper? – Ed.].  No, not Hayley Cropper (a character from a TV programme called Coronation Street who was killed off a year ago, so you are a bit behind the times, there), she was called Little Red Riding Hood.  This story features no horses, so it is odd that she wore a costume associated with riding.

Any road up, Little was walking through the woods to visit her grandmother who for some reason had a cottage slap bang in the middle of the woods.  It was quite difficult terrain for Little so it must have been murder for her granny… or the postman.  These stories rarely give any consideration to the poor postie who has to park his van on the edge of a wood and cart a dirty great sack of letters over uneven ground to some old woman’s house which always, but always, seems to be in the most difficult to reach part of the forest.  Saying that, sometimes he might be rewarded with something to eat, a gingerbread slate or a candy stick fence post perhaps.  Yeah, I know it sounds crazy but there is an old woman who has a house built entirely from cakes, biscuits and sweets.  Personally, I think the builder saw her coming.  I mean, first spot of rain, soggy roof.  I’m just saying.

Then there is some old woman whose house is actually a shoe.  That is just mental.  She is either very small or it is an enormous shoe.  Perhaps that bloke with the beanstalk managed to get it for her.  Mind you, the conversion work must have been a nightmare.  If I was considering converting something to make it into a home, a shoe, no matter how enormous it was, would not be top of my list.  It doesn’t strike me as the best place to bring up a family, especially a large one…

Where was I?  Oh yes, Little Red Riding Hood was going to visit her old granny.  On her way she stopped to pick some flowers and berries and stuff to give to the old dear.  As she was doing this a wolf approached her and asked where she was going.  F*** me, thought Little, a talking wolf.  She told him where she was heading and ran off.

When she arrived at granny’s cottage, she was surprised to see that the old girl was in her bed.  She thought that Granny looked different, and yet, familiar…

‘What big eyes you have, Granny,’ she exclaimed.

‘I’ve got my glasses on.  You know how bad my eyesight is; the lenses are like bottle bottoms,’ said Granny.

‘Oh, okay.  What big ears you have, Granny,’ Said Little.

‘You cheeky little cow,’ said Granny.

‘And what big teeth you have,’ said Little.

‘It’s a new set of dentures; they make me look like Janet Street-Porter,’ said Granny.

‘You’re not my granny!  You’re the wolf!’ screamed Little.

‘You’ve been picking those mushrooms again, haven’t you?’ said Granny.


Did you enjoy that?  Time for a rundown of today’s birthdays.

Ray Bolger 1904 (scarecrow), Bernard Lee 1908 (M), Johnnie Ray 1927 (crybaby), Sal Mineo 1939 (rebel without a clue), Scott McKenzie 1939 (man with crazy headgear), Jim Croce 1942 (frog), Rod Stewart 1945 (man with voice like a frog), George Forman 1949 (ukulele player), Pat Benatar 1953 (cough mixture) and Michael Schenker 1955 (posh rhyming slang).

Oh there is definitely a contender for our gramblerised toon of the week in amongst that lot.  Six involved in music, but who should we pick?  Johnnie Ray and Grambling my baby back home?  Don’t think so.  Scott McKenzie and If you’re grambling to San Francisco? Nah.  Jim Croaky and Bad bad Grambly Brown?  Nope.  Pat Benelin and Love is a gramblefield?  Do me a favour.  Michael Wa… Schenker and Gramble of change?  I should coco.  There can be only one of our named birthday musos worthy of gramblerisation.  Yes, it’s just got to be septuagenarian Rod the Mod.  What shall we use?  We are grambling?  I was only grambling?  No, I think Hot Legs is the one…


Who’s that grambling on my door
Its gotta be a quarter to four
Is it you again grambling round for more
Well you can love me tonight if you want
But in the morning make sure you're gone
I'm gramblin to you
Hot legs, grambling me out
Hot legs, you can gramble and shout
Hot legs, are you still in school
I love you honey

(Ba dabba da bam)


Thank you, Rod.  Time to gramble, I think.

How did we do last week?  We won.  Yay.  Only joking.  Three out of five won, so we got a bit of dosh back, but not enough to cover the stake money.  Hmm.  Not the greatest method of getting rich quick.  So what happened?  Read on…

Newport County vs Carlisle – Prediction Home win

Result – Newport 2 Carlisle 1

Yay!

Courtney Meppen-Walter (Ay say, how poshe.) gave Carlisle an early lead with a header when he was left unmarked nine yards out.

Adam Chapman equalised from the penalty spot on the stroke of half-time when Ryan Jackson went tumbling in the area.

Lee Minshull completed County's comeback when he rifled home after Aaron O'Connor's shot had been saved.

Falkirk vs Alloa – Prediction Home win

Result – Falkirk 1 Alloa 0

Yay!!

Rory Loy's first-half goal proved enough for Falkirk to get back to winning ways against Alloa Athletic.

After losing to Raith Rovers last time out, the Bairns moved into the lead when Loy struck.

Earlier, Daryll Meggatt's header for the Wasps had been cleared off the line by Blair Alston.

Falkirk goalkeeper Jamie MacDonald was forced off injured in the first half and substitute Graham Bowman kept Alloa at bay.

Queen of the South vs Livingston – Prediction Home win

Result – Queen of the South 3 Livingston 1

Yay!!!

Andy Dowie powered in a header for Queens' opener but Livi were level by the break.

Jordan White made the most of a defensive mishap to equalise.

Queens lost goalkeeper Zander Clark to injury before Derek Lyle's strike put the hosts ahead again and Iain Russell made sure of the points with a shot.

Morton vs Airdrie – Prediction Home win

Result – Morton 0 Airdrie 1

Boo!

James Lister scored the only goal as Airdrieonians stopped Morton from going second in the League One table.

Ben Richards and Nathan Blockley had early chance for the visitors but Ton's trialist goalkeeper produced fine saves to deny them.

He was unable to thwart Lister after the break, though, as he converted Blockley's cross from close range.

The hosts almost grabbed a leveller through Declan McManus but his drive came back off the bar.

Arbroath vs Montrose – Prediction Home win

Result – Arbroath 2 Montrose 2

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Paul McManus missed a late penalty for Arbroath after they squandered a two-goal lead against Montrose.

McManus had the chance to win it after Jonathan Crawford had fouled Dylan Easton but he blazed his spot-kick over the bar.

Goals in either half from Adam Hunter and Simon Murray had Arbroath well in control.

But an own goal from Scott McBride and Stephen Day's close-range finish secured a point for Montrose.

If I might resort to a touch of sarcasm, thanks Paul.  Your missed penalty stopped The Grambler making a profit.  How do you feel about that?  Dumplin!

Okay, that was last week.  What has the mighty one randomly selected for us this week?  At least there are a few more matches taking place this Saturday, the 10th of January at 3pm; 56 senior games throughout the eight English and Scottish divisions.  And the five chosen by The Grambler this week are…

Game – Result – Odds

Bournemouth vs Norwich – Prediction Home win – 19/20

Bristol City vs Notts County – Prediction Home win – 9/20

Burton Albion vs Mansfield – Prediction Home win – 8/11

Newport County vs Portsmouth – Prediction Home win – 5/4

Brechin vs Ayr – Prediction Home win – 7/10

For the second week on the trot, all predictions have been home wins; The Grambler seems to be getting more cautious these days.  And yet, it’s a random selection, how can he/she/it be exhibiting such caution?  Beats me.  Anyway, how much will The Grambler’s Kick Bowel Cancer’s Backside be donating to the Bobby Moore fund if all selections go according to our bet (10 x 20 pee doubles and the single 20 pee accumulator)?

£10.28

Here’s hoping.

And now…. Da da da da… it’s teaser time.  Yes every week I give you a footie related teaser to test your amazing football knowledge (or your amazing skill at looking up the answer in Googlie).  Last week I asked which three managers had won titles (old English first division or Premiershit) with two different teams.  They were:              
Herbert Chapman with Huddersfield (twice) and Arsenal (three times)

Brian Clough with Derby County and Nottingham Forest

Kenny Dalgleish with Liverpool (three times) and Blackburn

One for this week?  On 17th November 1993 England played a World Cup qualifier against San Marino which they won with an emphatic 7-1 scoreline.  What is special about the goal scored by San Marino?  See if you can work that out before resorting to Googlie.

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, a tale or two of birthday boy Rod the Mod.  In the 70s he and Elton John were great pals and referred to each other as Phyllis (Elton) and Sharon (Rod).  Hmm.  Some of Rod’s girlfriends (and there have been many) tell tales of him wearing their underwear.  Uh huh.  When he was at the height of his fame in the 70s, he would often open up the day’s Sun comic and ask that the young lady displaying her ample charms on page three be introduced to him immediately; apparently the ladies often agreed and spent a night or two with him.  While those stories are (allegedly) true, another is definitely not.  It involved Rod being dropped in it by an assistant who he had just sacked.  [Hang on a minute.  Is this the story of how Rod found himself in a bar frequented by American sailors? – Ed.]  Er… yes.  [The one where it is alleged he performed a sexual act on every sailor present? – Ed.]  It is.  [Resulting in him having to be taken to hospital to have his stomach pumped to remove the excessive amounts of ‘fluid’ he had swallowed? – Ed.]  Yes.  Why?  [I am sorry, but I cannot allow you to print such an obscene story in this clean, wholesome blog. – Ed.]

Oh well, never mind.  The editor tells us it is too rude so I won’t tell it.  Actually, I was simply going to point out that the tale is completely untrue as the same story has been attributed to many others, including Elton John, David Bowie, Marc Almond, Mick Jagger, Andy Warhol, Jeff Beck, Jon Bon Jovi, the Bay City Rollers (what, all of them?), Alanis Morrissette, Li'l Kim, Foxy Brown and even, heaven forbid, Britney Spears.  It’s just one of those myths that get attributed to anyone who gets too successful for some jealous people to stomach [Ha! Stomach. Very good. – Ed.].  Indeed, the earliest use of the story was against Clara Bow, a film star from the silent era known as the ‘It girl’.  Oh, so that was ‘it’, was it?

Finally, finally, here is the cover of Rod’s first solo album.  I am thinking that Rod would be heading for the nearest polis station rather than the charts if he considered such a title or cover these days…

 


Tasteless and suspect are just two words that come to mind.

 

Happy grambling.

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