Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn
from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
His wish was that The Grambler
should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
Dear Mr Crambo,
I have noticed that whenever a letter appears in your article it always
seems to refer to English clubs. I am
really surprised considering you are a Motherwell fan. Your team don’t seem to be doing very well
this season. There can’t be many teams
further down the league. St Mirren I
know are lower, but I can’t think of any others, can you?
Yours with love and affection,
Hello my little gramblerinis everywhere. It’s story time. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Once upon a time there was a little girl who
was known to everybody by the garish costume she always wore. She was little, wore a riding cape which was
red and had a hood [Hayley Cropper? – Ed.].
No, not Hayley Cropper (a character from a TV programme called
Coronation Street who was killed off a year ago, so you are a bit behind the
times, there), she was called Little Red Riding Hood. This story features no horses, so it is odd
that she wore a costume associated with riding.
Any road up, Little was walking through the woods to visit her
grandmother who for some reason had a cottage slap bang in the middle of the
woods. It was quite difficult terrain
for Little so it must have been murder for her granny… or the postman. These stories rarely give any consideration
to the poor postie who has to park his van on the edge of a wood and cart a
dirty great sack of letters over uneven ground to some old woman’s house which
always, but always, seems to be in the most difficult to reach part of the
forest. Saying that, sometimes he might
be rewarded with something to eat, a gingerbread slate or a candy stick fence
post perhaps. Yeah, I know it sounds
crazy but there is an old woman who has a house built entirely from cakes,
biscuits and sweets. Personally, I think
the builder saw her coming. I mean,
first spot of rain, soggy roof. I’m just
saying.
Then there is some old woman whose house is actually a shoe. That is just mental. She is either very small or it is an enormous
shoe. Perhaps that bloke with the
beanstalk managed to get it for her.
Mind you, the conversion work must have been a nightmare. If I was considering converting something to
make it into a home, a shoe, no matter how enormous it was, would not be top of
my list. It doesn’t strike me as the
best place to bring up a family, especially a large one…
Where was I? Oh yes, Little Red
Riding Hood was going to visit her old granny.
On her way she stopped to pick some flowers and berries and stuff to
give to the old dear. As she was doing
this a wolf approached her and asked where she was going. F*** me, thought Little, a talking wolf. She told him where she was heading and ran
off.
When she arrived at granny’s cottage, she was surprised to see that the
old girl was in her bed. She thought
that Granny looked different, and yet, familiar…
‘What big eyes you have, Granny,’ she exclaimed.
‘I’ve got my glasses on. You
know how bad my eyesight is; the lenses are like bottle bottoms,’ said Granny.
‘Oh, okay. What big ears you
have, Granny,’ Said Little.
‘You cheeky little cow,’ said Granny.
‘And what big teeth you have,’ said Little.
‘It’s a new set of dentures; they make me look like Janet
Street-Porter,’ said Granny.
‘You’re not my granny! You’re
the wolf!’ screamed Little.
‘You’ve been picking those mushrooms again, haven’t you?’ said Granny.
Did you enjoy that? Time for a
rundown of today’s birthdays.
Ray Bolger 1904 (scarecrow), Bernard Lee 1908 (M), Johnnie Ray 1927
(crybaby), Sal Mineo 1939 (rebel without a clue), Scott McKenzie 1939 (man with
crazy headgear), Jim Croce 1942 (frog), Rod Stewart 1945 (man with voice like a
frog), George Forman 1949 (ukulele player), Pat Benatar 1953 (cough mixture)
and Michael Schenker 1955 (posh rhyming slang).
Oh there is definitely a contender for our gramblerised toon of the
week in amongst that lot. Six involved
in music, but who should we pick?
Johnnie Ray and Grambling my baby back home? Don’t think so. Scott McKenzie and If you’re grambling to San Francisco? Nah. Jim
Croaky and Bad bad Grambly Brown?
Nope. Pat Benelin and Love is a
gramblefield? Do me a favour. Michael Wa… Schenker and Gramble of
change? I should coco. There can be only one of our named birthday
musos worthy of gramblerisation. Yes,
it’s just got to be septuagenarian Rod the Mod.
What shall we use? We are
grambling? I was only grambling? No, I think Hot Legs is the one…
Who’s that grambling on my door
Its gotta be a quarter to four
Is it you again grambling round for more
Well you can love me tonight if you want
But in the morning make sure you're gone
I'm gramblin to you
Hot legs, grambling me out
Hot legs, you can gramble and shout
Hot legs, are you still in school
I love you honey
Its gotta be a quarter to four
Is it you again grambling round for more
Well you can love me tonight if you want
But in the morning make sure you're gone
I'm gramblin to you
Hot legs, grambling me out
Hot legs, you can gramble and shout
Hot legs, are you still in school
I love you honey
(Ba dabba da bam)
Thank you, Rod.
Time to gramble, I think.
How did we do last week? We won.
Yay. Only joking. Three out of five won, so we got a bit of
dosh back, but not enough to cover the stake money. Hmm.
Not the greatest method of getting rich quick. So what happened? Read on…
Result – Newport Carlisle
1
Yay!
Courtney Meppen-Walter (Ay say, how poshe.) gave Carlisle an early lead with a header when he
was left unmarked nine yards out.
Adam Chapman equalised from the penalty spot on the
stroke of half-time when Ryan Jackson went tumbling in the area.
Lee Minshull completed County's comeback when he
rifled home after Aaron O'Connor's shot had been saved.
Result – Falkirk
1 Alloa 0
Yay!!
Rory Loy's
first-half goal proved enough for Falkirk to get back to winning ways against Alloa Athletic.
After losing to Raith Rovers last time out, the Bairns
moved into the lead when Loy struck.
Earlier, Daryll Meggatt's header for the Wasps had
been cleared off the line by Blair Alston.
Queen of the South vs Livingston
– Prediction Home win
Result – Queen of the
South 3 Livingston
1
Yay!!!
Andy Dowie powered in a header for Queens ' opener but Livi were level by the
break.
Jordan White made the most of a defensive mishap to
equalise.
Morton vs Airdrie –
Prediction Home win
Result – Morton 0
Airdrie 1
Boo!
James Lister
scored the only goal as Airdrieonians stopped Morton from going second in the
League One table.
Ben Richards and Nathan Blockley had early chance for the
visitors but Ton's trialist goalkeeper produced fine saves to deny them.
He was unable to thwart Lister after the break, though, as
he converted Blockley's cross from close range.
The hosts almost grabbed a leveller through Declan McManus
but his drive came back off the bar.
Arbroath vs Montrose –
Prediction Home win
Result – Arbroath 2 Montrose
2
Ooh! ‘It the bar!
Paul McManus
missed a late penalty for Arbroath after they squandered a two-goal lead
against Montrose.
McManus had the chance to win it after Jonathan Crawford
had fouled Dylan Easton but he blazed his spot-kick over the bar.
Goals in either half from Adam Hunter and Simon Murray had
Arbroath well in control.
But an own goal from Scott McBride and Stephen Day's
close-range finish secured a point for Montrose.
If I might resort to a touch of sarcasm, thanks Paul. Your missed penalty stopped The Grambler
making a profit. How do you feel about
that? Dumplin!
Okay, that was last week.
What has the mighty one randomly selected for us this week? At least there are a few more matches taking
place this Saturday, the 10th of January at 3pm; 56 senior games
throughout the eight English and Scottish divisions. And the five chosen by The Grambler this week
are…
Game – Result – Odds
Brechin vs Ayr
– Prediction Home win – 7/10
For the second week on the trot, all predictions have been
home wins; The Grambler seems to be getting more cautious these days. And yet, it’s a random selection, how can
he/she/it be exhibiting such caution?
Beats me. Anyway, how much will
The Grambler’s Kick Bowel Cancer’s Backside be donating to the Bobby Moore fund
if all selections go according to our bet (10 x 20 pee doubles and the single
20 pee accumulator)?
£10.28
Here’s hoping.
And now…. Da da da da… it’s teaser time. Yes every week I give you a footie related
teaser to test your amazing football knowledge (or your amazing skill at looking
up the answer in Googlie). Last week I
asked which three managers had won titles (old English first division or
Premiershit) with two different teams.
They were:
Herbert
Chapman with Huddersfield (twice) and Arsenal (three times)
Brian
Clough with Derby County Nottingham Forest
Kenny
Dalgleish with Liverpool (three times) and Blackburn
One for this week? On
17th November 1993 England San Marino San Marino
And finally, Cyril?
And finally Esther, a tale or two of birthday boy Rod the Mod. In the 70s he and Elton John were great pals
and referred to each other as Phyllis (Elton) and Sharon (Rod). Hmm.
Some of Rod’s girlfriends (and there have been many) tell tales of him
wearing their underwear. Uh huh. When he was at the height of his fame in the
70s, he would often open up the day’s Sun comic and ask that the young lady
displaying her ample charms on page three be introduced to him immediately;
apparently the ladies often agreed and spent a night or two with him. While those stories are (allegedly) true,
another is definitely not. It involved
Rod being dropped in it by an assistant who he had just sacked. [Hang on a minute. Is this the story of how Rod found himself in
a bar frequented by American sailors? – Ed.]
Er… yes. [The one where it is
alleged he performed a sexual act on every sailor present? – Ed.] It is.
[Resulting in him having to be taken to hospital to have his stomach
pumped to remove the excessive amounts of ‘fluid’ he had swallowed? – Ed.] Yes.
Why? [I am sorry, but I cannot
allow you to print such an obscene story in this clean, wholesome blog. – Ed.]
Oh well, never mind.
The editor tells us it is too rude so I won’t tell it. Actually, I was simply going to point out
that the tale is completely untrue as the same story has been attributed to
many others, including Elton John, David Bowie, Marc Almond, Mick Jagger, Andy
Warhol, Jeff Beck, Jon Bon Jovi, the Bay City Rollers (what, all of them?),
Alanis Morrissette, Li'l Kim, Foxy Brown and even, heaven forbid, Britney
Spears. It’s just one of those myths
that get attributed to anyone who gets too successful for some jealous people
to stomach [Ha! Stomach. Very good. – Ed.].
Indeed, the earliest use of the story was against Clara Bow, a film star
from the silent era known as the ‘It girl’.
Oh, so that was ‘it’, was it?
Finally, finally, here is the cover of Rod’s first solo
album. I am thinking that Rod would be
heading for the nearest polis station rather than the charts if he considered
such a title or cover these days…
Tasteless and suspect are just two words that come to mind.
Happy grambling.
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