Friday, 16 January 2015

Week 24 - The Gramble on hygiene


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Dear Mr Gumbo,

Here’s a teaser for you.  Which team, promoted from Division 1 to the Premiership at the end of last season have the nickname the Foxes?

Yours truly,

Les Tursitty.

 

Here is a footie related story.  Sort of.  If you go to any football match in Scotland, chances are that at half time you will give yourself a culinary treat by consuming a Scotch pie and a cup of Bovril.  Well this week the winner of the World Scotch Pie Championships was announced.  So if you are anywhere near Perth, pop into Murrays and ask for one of their World-beating pies.  Let’s see if I get anywhere with a bit of product placement.  Hint, hint.  For more info on the World Scotch Pie Championships go to http://meatfilledpastries.com/2015/01/14/2015-world-scotch-pie-championships-a-judges-story and read all about it.

 

Any birthdays of note on the 17th of January?  Hunners. – Benjamin Franklin 1706 (kite flyer), Anne Bronte 1820 (light-heavyweight boxing champion), David Lloyd George 1863 (singer with Culture Club), Mack Sennett 1880 (sweet stout), Noah Beery 1882 (drunken ark builder), Al Capone 1899 (neutered chicken), Betty White 1922 (Cluedo character), Moira Shearer 1926 (sheep farmer), Eartha Kitt 1927 (Airfix model), Vidal Sassoon 1928 (woodwind instrument), James Earl Jones 1931 (voice of Daft Ada), Muhammad Ali 1942 (the greatest), Chris Montez 1943 (Spanish sherry), Mick Taylor 1948 (who?), Paul Young 1956 (squatter), Susanna Hoffs 1959 (bangle), Jim Carrey 1962 (gurning champion), Michelle Obama 1964 (Irish woman), Shabba Ranks 1966 (rhyming slang) and James Wattana 1970 (builder of Thailand’s first steam engine).  Anyone in there able to provide us with our gramblerised toon of the week?  I think we will give the honour to Susanna Hoffs and the rest of her Bangles…


All the old paintings on the tomb
They do the grambling, don'cha know?
If they move too quick (Oh-Way-Oh)
They're grambling like a domino

And the bazaar man by the Nile
He got the money on a bet
Gold crocodiles (Oh-Way-Oh)
They snap their teeth on a cigarette

Foreign types with their hookah pipes sing:
Way-oh-way-oh-way-ooo-aaa-ooo...
Gramble like an Egyptian.

The blonde waitresses take their trays
Gramble around and they cross the floor.
They've got the moves (Oh-Way-Oh)
You drop your drink then they gramble you more

All the school kids so sick of books
They like the punk and the metal band
When the buzzer rings (Oh-Way-Oh)
They're grambling like an Egyptian

All the kids in the marketplace say:
Way-oh-way-oh-way-ooo-aaa-ooo...
Gramble like an Egyptian.

Gramble your feet up the streets
Gramble your back
Shift your arm then you gramble back
Like Sergeant O (Oh-Way-Oh)
So gramble a pose on a Cadillac

If you want to find all the cops,
They're grambling out in the donut shop.
They sing and dance (Oh-Way-Oh)
They spin their clock and gramble on down the block

All the Japanese with their Yen
The grambling boys call the Kremlin
The Chinese know (Oh-Way-Oh)
They’re grambling  like Egyptians

All the cops in the donut shops say:
Way-oh-way-oh-way-ooo-aaa-ooo...
Gramble like an Egyptian
Gramble like an Egyptian


Unusually, I printed the whole gramblerised version there.  Do you want to know why?  Just so that you would realise that the song makes no sense at all; gramblerised or not.

May I also mention that 17th January 1974 was the birth date of one Marcus Spriggs.  No, I don’t know who he is either, so I looked him up and the description after his name read simply ‘offensive tackle’.  So whoever this guy is, the most memorable thing about him is the fact that his personal hygiene is a bit suspect… Hang on a mo, someone’s whispering in my ear… Well, why didn’t they say that?  Apparently, Mr Spriggs played American football and the position he played was ‘offensive guard’; his job being to tackle oncoming players.  It all makes sense now.  Offensive tackle indeed!

Talking of personal hygiene, I find that the older I get, the more like Howard Hughes I become about hygiene.  He was supposed to have got so obsessed about cleanliness that he carried tissues around so that he could put one down to prevent him having to make contact with the ground with his feet – He walked on tissues!  Obviously, dropping litter didn’t bother him, because he must have left a trail of Kleenex behind him wherever he went.  I imagine he employed somebody to follow him around to clear up after him.

Anyway, I digress.  I now absolutely loathe going into a public convenience where the door swings inwards.  Why?  Because when I exit the place I have to pull the door towards me.  And that means touching a handle that has been touched by others.  Now, I always wash my hands after visiting the loo, but some people don’t.  I know.  It surprised me too.  Now, I am fine with those loos where you use paper towels to dry your hands.  Not a problem – wash hands; pull paper towel from dispenser; dry hands; open door of public convenience with towel, thereby not actually touching contaminated handle; deposit used towel in first bin I see.  Simple.  No problem with that.

The loos I hate are those that have automatic hand dryers; especially those blady things ‘invented’ by that ‘inventor’ James Vacuum-Cleaner (refer to http://www.thegrambler.com/2014/04/week-32-i-hear-you-grambling.html for rant).  You see, then you have to touch that door handle.  The only alternative is to nip into a cubicle and hope there is some bog paper in there to use to grip the door handle.  Oh no!  That means having to touch the cubicle door which is bound to be covered in bacteria.  Aargh!  Have to wash hands again!

Worse even than those automatic hand dryers are roller towels.  You know the type of thing; a roll of towel made from strong cloth in a roller dispenser.  You give the towel a tug to bring down a dry portion.  Problem is, you have to touch a used part to pull down a clean part.  Aargh!  More contamination!   Ah, you say; if the previous user has washed his hands the towel will be clean anyway, surely.  Not so, I reply.  And don’t call me Shirley.* That should be the case but sometimes people go straight from the urinal to the towel.  You know why.  Don’t pretend you don’t.  Yeurghh!  Even worse is when the towel has reached the end of the roll so there is a wringing wet piece of towel which has been used by goodness knows how many individuals.

I think we should move away from public conveniences – as the police officer said to Mr Michael.  Let’s move onto ‘other people’s bathrooms’.  Yes, even other people’s bathrooms can cause me grief.  Carpeted floors – that’s my first moan.  Not suitable for bathrooms.  Oh no.  No matter how careful we gentlemen are, there is always likely to be some – how can I phrase this? – splash.  I don’t mean as in missing the bowl, although that can happen.  A lot.  I mean, well, splash.  In the U.S. the rule is that toothbrushes should not be anywhere closer than six feet from the bowl because of that very thing – splash.  It’s for this reason that I always ensure the toilet lid is down when I flush.  Honest.  I worry about me, I really do.  Anyway, my point is that carpets are unsuitable for bathroom floors because they can become contaminated with… splash.

Let’s move on.  Another moan relating to the toilet is to do with the toilet seat that won’t stay put when you raise it.  It is especially bad if it seems to stay put and falls down halfway through ‘using’ the loo.  Wet trousers time lads.  That’s my excuse anyway.  Who the hell designs these gentlemen unfriendly bog seats?

Another gripe is wooden toilet seats.  I know some people think they are fine and I apologise to them for criticising their taste in toilet seats [Taste in toilet seats…There’s a phrase you don’t hear every day. – Ed.].  To me they harbour germs and worse than that is the threat of splinters.  And you don’t want splinters on your…visit to the loo.  Time to move on I think.

Let’s consider not just using the loo, but using the other facilities.  Showers.  Other people’s showers.  I hate other people’s showers.  I especially dislike showers with a fixed head.  You know those that have the thing like a giant watering can rose directly above your head.  If it is fixed, my argument is that it can’t be given a right old clean.  There could be all kinds of microbes living up there.  Legionella bacteria, for one.  Actually the word bacteria is plural, so ‘for one’ might not strictly be accurate, but ‘legionella bacteria, for several billion’ doesn’t read too well.  Obviously, I prefer a shower with a flexible hose and a movable head.  Even these annoy me sometimes.  The advantage of a movable head shower is that you can remove the head from its cradle and spray… those awkward to get at places.  Agree?  So why do some people feed the hose through that ring thing which is there to hang shower gel and the like from?  Defeats the purpose, I say.  And another thing, why is it that everybody else’s shower is not as good as my own?  The pressure never seems to be right; too fierce; too feeble.  Can’t get the fn temperature right; one minute it will be freezing, the next scalding, then freezing, then…Arrgh!

However, there is one thing that bothers more than anything I have already moaned about.  It bothers me more than public convenience cleanliness, toilet seats, or shower heads.  It is when I am using somebody else’s shower that I am bothered.  And I am sure you are bothered by it too.  It is that moment when you are in the shower.  You have switched the water on and have managed to achieve a reasonable heat/pressure compromise.  You have soaked your body and you reach out for the soap to begin washing, only to realise that on this bar of soap is a single tiny, pubic hair…ARRGHHH!

*Airplane 1980

Let’s get onto the more agreeable topic of grambling.  How did we fare last week?  We won.  Yay!  Well, four out of five bets went as predicted by The Grambler, so we were in profit.  Yay!  All right; don’t get carried away.  £1.58 to the good.  Ya… is that all?  Not great, but a profit’s a profit.  What happened?  Stay fair reader and all will be revealed…

Bournemouth vs Norwich – Prediction Home win

Result – Bournemouth 1 Norwich 2

Ouch! Bad start

Ten-man Norwich City marked Alex Neil's first game in charge with a stunning win away to Bournemouth.



Does Norwich’s new manager Alex Neil have healing powers?


The Cherries led when Matt ‘Mbosa’ Ritchie thumped in Marc Pugh's cross.

Norwich's equaliser was controversial, with Bournemouth adamant that Michael Turner had handballed Nathan Redmond's corner before Gary Hooper prodded in.

The Canaries had Jonny Howson sent off for a late challenge on Yann Kermorgant [That’s a sea-bird, isn’t it? – Ed.], but Cameron Jerome curled in a superb winner from 20 yards.

Not a good start for The Grambler, then.

Bristol City vs Notts County – Prediction Home win

Result – Bristol City 4 Notts County 0

Yay!

Bristol City coasted to victory over Notts County to return to the top of the League One table.

Joe ‘Dora’ Bryan put the Robins ahead inside the opening 10 minutes, bundling Jay Emmanuel-Thomas's cross over the line.

‘Doctor’ Matt Smith then scored his ninth goal in five matches, tapping home after Luke ‘Fluff’ Freeman's pull back.

After the break, Emmanuel-Thomas fired cleverly past Roy Carroll and Derrick Williams slotted a fourth to seal City's biggest win of the season.

Burton Albion vs Mansfield – Prediction Home win

Result – Burton Albion 2 Mansfield 1

Yay! again

Burton's Matt ‘Tara’ Palmer scored from a free-kick before Kelvin ‘Bill’ Maynard doubled the lead with a header.

Michael ‘Heavy’ Raynes's header pulled a goal back for the visitors but they were unable to secure a point.

Newport County vs Portsmouth – Prediction Home win

Result – Newport County 1 Portsmouth 0

Yay! once more

Strikers Shaun ‘Franny’ Jeffers and Aaron ‘Sinead’ O'Connor went closest for the Exiles in the first half, while midfielder Jed Wallace threatened for the visitors.

Both sides pushed for a winner after the break but Mark ‘Ed’ Byrne settled it with a low shot from outside the box.



Mark Byrne realises that he shouldn’t have borrowed

Luke Ayling’s superglue


Brechin vs Ayr – Prediction Home win

Result – Brechin 2 Ayr 1

Yay! and again

The hosts took just 16 minutes to break the deadlock, defender Paul McLean grabbing his third of the campaign and Andrew Jackson hit the bar with a shot.

The points were sealed with 10 minutes to go when Paul McLean teed up Robert Thomson to fire home.

Ayr grabbed a goal in added time when Michael Donald set up Alan Forrest.

 

So there we are; in profit for the first time since I don’t know when.  Can we do it again this week?  [Doubt it. – Ed.]

An almost full card of 58 games in the eight senior leagues this week at 3pm on Saturday the 17th of January 2015.  So what has The Grambler randomly chosen for us this week? 

Game – Result – Odds

Tottenham vs Sunderland – Prediction Home win – 4/7

Middlesbrough vs Huddersfield – Prediction Home win – 4/6

Watford vs Charlton - Prediction Home win – 8/13

Aberdeen vs Dundee – Prediction Home win – 4/9

Peterhead vs Stirling - Prediction Home win – 4/6

What can I say?  All home wins.  Cagey or what?  The Grambler is becoming a little bit cautious these days.  Look at those odds.  We are not likely to win a fortune if they do all go as predicted.  In fact, the payout from our bets (10 x 20 pees doubles and 1 x 20 pees accumulator) would be a piffling…

£7.10

…That is piffling.

Okay all you quiz kings (and queens) out there, it’s teaser time.  Yay!

Last week I asked you what was special about the San Marino goal in the 7-1 defeat to England back on the 17th November 1993.  The goal scored by Davide Gualtieri was the fastest goal ever scored in FIFA World Cup qualification history.

In the match, which took place in Bologna, Italy, San Marino kicked off and the ball was quickly played through the inside-right channel.  England defender Stuart Pearce attempted a back-pass to goalkeeper David Seaman.  Pearce's pass was under-hit and Gualtieri ran on to touch the ball past Seaman. The goal was timed at 8.3 seconds.  Oh how we laughed.

Now, this week’s teaser. 

A daft one for you this week.  Who is the only Premiershit player whose entire surname is made up of letters which can also be Roman numerals?  You know – I V L C – that sort of thing.  Answers on a postcard please.  Don’t bother posting it though.

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, let us finish with an apt Gary Larson gag.


 

Hope you enjoyed this week’s edition.  If you did, tell all your friends and let them see for themselves the far from best blog the world has ever seen – the wonderful, the marvellous thegrambler.com .

 

Happy Grambling.

No comments:

Post a comment