Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn
from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
His wish was that The Grambler
should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
Dear Mr Crumble,
Here’s a good question for your teaser of the
week. Which football club is named not
after a place, but after a building which once stood in Hyde Park ?
Yours quizzically,
Chris Talp-Alliss.
I know I have mentioned social media before, but I
think it is time to return to the likes of Bacefook and Twatter. Why, you ask.
Yes, I know I have had a moan about the trivia people put online
[Touche! – Ed.] – I recently saw an item where somebody actually asked for the
phone number of a particular restaurant.
How lazy is that? I can’t be
bothered looking up the number, I’ll just let someone else do it for me!
But this week, I don’t intend moaning. Instead I will consider the fun side of
social media that really does bring a smile to my old face. I am talking about ‘challenges’ or
‘nominations’ to join in with a current trend.
We all knew about the ice bucket challenge which
caught the imagination last year.
Whether you are a user of Bacefook or not, you must have been aware of
this fundraising phenomenon. It was even
shown on the national news. Who can
forget Alistair Darling’s meek acceptance of his fate as two assistants poured
ice-cold water over him, or Alec Salmond’s Braveheart impression when he was
given the same treatment?
Other, lower profile, challenges have taken
place. One involved guys being made up
with mascara and lipstick and putting a picture of themselves on Bacefook. I don’t know what the reason for that
was. Maybe, it was just them showing
their feminine side. The pictures ranged
from circus clown to drag queen and were never anything less than truly
scary. Some were so grotesque they could
easily have been the stuff of nightmares for many.
Thankfully, I was not nominated for that, but I have
joined in with ‘top ten films’ and ‘top ten albums’. Recently, there has been a similar list type
of thing and I have been nominated to join in.
It is a list of seven things about oneself that people might not
know. Most people put in absolute trivia
such as their most detested food, or a memory from their childhood. Others take it a bit too seriously and list
their achievements in life to, basically, bloody show off. Things like gaining their BA Hons while being
blindfolded throughout, as they rode a unicycle and juggled with knives. That sort of crap.
Any road up, I have been invited to list seven things
people might not know about me. I
thought, maybe my little grambling friends would appreciate reading such
recollections. After all, many of my
topics on thegrambler.com have been memories from my past. So here goes with this week’s topic. Seven things you didn’t know about me, that
will hopefully make you smile, or at least think, ‘What a tit.’…
1. My favourite ‘how many people can
boast this’ story. I passed my driving
test first time. Twice. Sorry pardon excuse me? You see, when I was 17, I bought my first car
and learned to drive in it. However, it
was equipped with an automatic gearbox, so, when I passed my driving test in
it, my shiny new licence stated that I was only allowed to drive vehicles fitted
with auto gearbox. With me so far? For the next 12 years I was happy to buy
automatics, but, in those days [Hovis time! – Ed.] cars so fitted tended to be
large, thirsty beasts. Any small cars fitted
with automatic transmission got snapped up pretty quickly and for a price that
was considerably dearer than their larger counterparts. I could either spend a given amount on an old
small car, or the same amount on a much newer large car – It was at the time
when fuel rationing was being mooted so big car prices plummeted. I did occasionally manage to get a small car
(a Mini) but everything else was larger than I really wanted. I got a bit p***** off with spending so much
on insurance and fuel, not to mention spares and repairs which were also pretty
steep. I decided that I had to
downsize. I bought a Ford Fiesta fitted
with a manual gearbox and learned to drive all over again. So now you know. Nowadays, I drive a car with an auto box
anyway.
2. Mrs G says I am a bit absent-minded;
usually when I have returned from the shops without something I was meant to
buy. Twas ever so. Even as a kid I was pretty forgetful. Often I would take my pet dog with me when I
went down to my local newsagent to buy my Beano or Dandy [More Hovis, vicar? –
Ed.]. Long after I returned home and was
reading through the comics to see what exploits Desperate Dan or the Bash
Street Kids were getting up to, I would realise that I had left the dog tied up
outside the shop. I would then rush to
rescue him. He was such a placid beast
that he was still sitting quietly where I had left him giving a half-hearted
wag of the tail for everyone who emerged from the shop. My worst ‘forgetful’ moment was when, aged
about 10, I was invited to a pal’s birthday party. I forgot all about it. So what, you may say, lots of people forget
to go to parties. Maybe so, but I only
realised my mistake when my pal arrived at my door to collect me, having left
his own birthday party to do so. And I
hadn’t bought him a present, either.
3. I had aspirations to be a comedy
scriptwriter a few years back. I wrote
sketches for a show called Naked Radio and its TV counterpart Naked Video. A good few were used, but I only ever got
paid for two. Miserable Beeb Beeb
Ceeb. When I asked for payment for my
other work, the shows’ producers would tell me that other writers had had the
exact same idea. Oh aye, sure.
4. My favourite prezzie, when I was a
kid, was a second-hand bike I got for my ninth birthday. I say bike.
There were no handlebars. Or saddle. Or pedals.
Or wheels, come to that. Okay, it
was a bike frame, but it was the starting point for my own customised
bike. My dad, who to my young eyes,
could make or repair anything, bought this old frame from a neighbour for about
ten bob (50p) and said he would build me a bike to my own specification. So, for the weeks leading up to my birthday,
Dad (with a bit of help/hindrance from me) worked away cleaning, painting and
building my perfect bike. The frame was
painted a bright red; new white mudguards and a red and white saddle completed
the most personalised present I have ever been given. On my birthday, a pal and I set off to put my
new bike through its paces.
Unfortunately, while road-testing its manoeuvrability in a tight turn, I
fell off, grazed my knees and the chain came off. Happy fn birthday.
5.
I
‘invented’ the dying fly dance long before punks adopted it. Yep, back in 1974, at least two years before
punk came along, I was doing the dying fly.
To explain, I was at a party and a bit drunk. I must have been drunk because I was
dancing. Me. Dancing.
Can you believe that? As I said,
a bit drunk and a bit unsteady on my feet.
I fell down. I fell straight to
the floor. Nothing spectacular (© Chic Murray). I was so happily drunk that from my supine
position I just continued waving my arms and legs about as if I was still dancing. Voila!
The dying fly. My invention. Okay punks?
6. I rode an untaxed, un-MOTd motorbike
on public roads, uninsured, without a crash helmet and without even having a
drivers’ licence (motorcyclist’s licence?).
It gets worse. I was 11 years
old. Okay a month shy of my 12th
birthday. I say motorbike, it was
actually a moped. That is a small
motorised bike which has pedals to start the engine up. It was a 49cc contraption known as a Raleigh
Runabout. Top speed was a heady 30 miles
per hour. Woo! How did all this happen? My family visited some old friends down in Derby
7. Finally, another booze-related
story. At the age of about 20 I gave up
the demon drink and remained tee-total for about two years. Why? Ah,
a sad tale, I’m afraid. I was once
walking…no, staggering…home from the pub with an equally drunk mate. We were challenged by a gang of lads about
our own age. One of them didn’t like my
face. ‘I don’t like your face,’ he said. He then set about rearranging it. Initially he used his fists, but when I fell
over, he took to using his leather-boot protected feet. My mate, who stood about 5 feet 3 tall and
weighed something like 6 stone, didn’t get thumped, nor did he fight, but by
golly he could run quickly. The booted
individual was finally hauled away by his friends and they dispersed. After a while, I managed to get up. My mate returned sheepishly at this
point. At least he helped me get back
home. So, after that, I thought that the
drink was to blame and simply gave it up.
Two years later, I tasted my first malt whisky and the rest, as they
say, is history.
To be fair, my mate still feels
guilty about running away.
There you have it chums; seven facts about me that are
not generally known. Let’s get on with
this week’s birthdays. Anyone famous
born on the 7th of February.
Bound to be…
Sir Thomas More 1478 (second James Bond), John Deere
1804 (me? I’m just a lawnmower, you can tell me by the way I walk), Charles
Dickens 1812 (inventor of stupidly named literary characters), Buster Crabbe
1910 (Tarzan that swung sideways), Dick Emery 1917 (specific sandpaper), Hattie
Jacques 1922 (Ooo, matron!), Dora Bryan 1924 (joiner), Gareth Hunt 1943
(rhyming slang), Pete Postlethwaite 1945 (tongue twister), Emo Phillips 1956
(fashion icon), James Spader 1960 (navvy), Eddie Izzard 1962 (don’t mess with
him) and Michael Stich 1968 (pontoon player).
Nobody in there that can provide us with a toon to gramblerise. However, as happened a couple of weeks back,
it is a death which provides us with our song.
Thirty years ago, on the 7th
of February 1985 ,
Terry Parsons died. Who? You know, Terry Parsons ‘the man with the
golden voice’. Okay, he was better known
as Matt Monro. Or Fred Flange. Apparently, he provided a satirical ditty in
the style of Frank Sinatra for a Peter Sellers album called Songs for Swinging
Sellers. He was credited on the album
sleeve as Fred Flange. Any road up,
Matt/Terry/Fred had a number of hits in the 1960s – From Russia
She walks like a grambler walks
She talks like a grambler talks
And her hair has a kind of curl
To my mind she's my kind of girl.
Shes wise like a grambler's wise
With eyes like a grambler's eyes
And her smile's like a kind of pearl
To my mind she's my kind of girl
She talks like a grambler talks
And her hair has a kind of curl
To my mind she's my kind of girl.
Shes wise like a grambler's wise
With eyes like a grambler's eyes
And her smile's like a kind of pearl
To my mind she's my kind of girl
Let’s move onto
grambling matters shall we? How did we
do last week? He was really good Matt
Monro, wasn’t he? He had a lovely voice. What?
Last week’s bet? Erm… He was a
bus driver before he became famous, you know.
Are you sure you want to know what happened? Oh.
You do. Okay. Here we go… Portrait of My Love. That was a big hit for him… All right, all
right. We lost. Happy?
What happened? Read on…
Ipswich vs Wigan – Prediction Home win
Result – Ipswich 0 Wigan 0
Ooh!
‘It the bar!
Jay Tabb had Ipswich Town
Freddie Sears had a late chance for Town, but neither
side deserved to win.
Result – Nottingham
Forest
Booo!
Ricardo Fuller's
late goal gave Millwall their first win in nine games as Nottingham Forest
Fuller pounced on a weak header from Stephen McLaughlin to
prod home seven minutes from time at the City Ground.
Henri Lansbury had a shot deflected over for the home team
but rarely threatened in an uneventful first half.
Robert Tesche and Britt Assombalonga (Cracking name of the
week contender) both hit the bar for Forest who have won just once in 11 games.
Result – Crawley
2 Preston
1
BOOO!
Anthony Wordsworth put the hosts ahead on his home debut
when he bundled in Lewis Young's cross from close range.
Paul Huntington brought Preston level after the interval when he headed
Paul Gallagher's corner in at the near post.
But Lee Fowler gave Crawley their first win in 16 games in all
competitions when he volleyed home from long range late on.
Result – Crewe
0 MK Dons 5
Yay!
MK Dons moved to
the top of League One after they cruised to victory at Crewe .
Devante Cole opened the scoring with his first goal since
joining on loan from Manchester City
Cole stroked home his second after Daniel Powell's cut
back, with Carl Baker and then Powell adding second-half efforts.
The Railwaymen struggled all afternoon with Jamie Ness and
Anthony Stewart having their best efforts.
Wycombe vs Portsmouth
Result – Wycombe 0 Portsmouth
Ooh! ‘It the bar!
Pompey had the best early chances, but Matt Tubbs was
thwarted by keeper Matt Ingram and then defender Joe Jacobson.
The Chairboys almost went in front just before the break
only for Jacobson to thunder a powerful shot against the crossbar from Peter
Murphy's pull back.
Fred Onyedinma (Definitely cracking name of the week!) turned
Jacobson's cross just wide but Wycombe could find no way through as the second
half fizzled out.
Oh well. Normal
service is resumed. Shall we try again
this week? Yeah, why not.
This week we have a full programme of games in England 3pm ,
The Grambler has randomly selected…
Game – Result – Odds
Aston Villa vs Chelsea
If all bets (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee
accumulator) go our way [If if if. Same
old, same old. – Ed.] the Bobby Moore Fund will be receiving the not very grand total of…
£7.55
Hmm. This week? Maybe?
Maybe not.
And now… It’s teaser time.
Last week I asked you which two men faced each other in FA Cup finals
both as players and as managers. The
answer is Don Revie and Bob Stokoe. Told
you it was an oldie. They faced each
other in the 1955 FA Cup final when Stokoe was part of the Newcastle Manchester City Sunderland . Second-division Sunderland caused one of the biggest FA Cup final
shocks of all time by beating Revie's all-conquering Leeds United 1-0 at
Wembley.
What about one for this week? A simple one for you this week. What does the term ‘perfect hat trick’ mean?
And finally, Cyril?
And finally Esther, a picture of a funky moped…
No-one was injured in the
testing of this moped
…followed by a link to a little hit from the one, the only
Jasper Carrott
.
Happy grambling.
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