Saturday, 18 April 2015

Week 37 - The Grambler on Cammo


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

He began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

I may have mentioned that Britain goes to the polls in less than a month’s time.  The behaviour of politicians becomes rather odd when a general election is in the offing.  And the lies become bigger than usual.  The government of the day begins to believe that what has been done in its term of office was actually good for the country!  Really?  They begin to talk about the state the country in glowing terms as if everything is ticketyboo.  There are more businesses opening up than there ever were, they say.  That will be all those pawnbrokers, money lenders and charity shops we are seeing amid all the boarded up shops, will it?  Not to mention all those food banks that are springing up all over the place.  Apparently there have never been so many in employment as there are in current-day Britain.  Yeah…probably all working for pawnbrokers, money lenders and charity shops.  And those food banks don’t run themselves.

They also start to make promises about what they will give to the people of Britain if they are returned to power.  Why?  You are the government; give us what you think we want now!  Not after the election when you get back in and say, ‘Did we promise you that?  We were only joking.  Sorry.’

David Cameron has been giving interviews while he is doing ‘ordinary’ things (and looking distinctly uncomfortable about it).  We see him chopping tomatoes in his kitchen.  Excuse me?  I would wager that he had never before set foot in that kitchen, let alone chop tomatoes.  No.  I think what actually happened is this.  His cook chopped up some tomatoes, handed Cammo the knife and stepped out of camera range while the interview was taking place.  She was probably prompting him in how to hold the knife during the interview.  Either that or it is a Beeb Beeb Ceeb studio kitchen of the sort used on Masterchef. 

We then see Cammo drinking coffee out of a mug.  Him drink out of a mug?  Pull the other one.  That’s cook’s mug, that is.  And she probably had to make the coffee that was in it.

We then see our beloved leader [Think there is a touch too much sarcasm here. – Ed.] at a football match where he is pretending to shout encouragement to his son who is playing.  Of course, the prime minister is always down the football park, cheering on his lad.  Who’s he kidding?  Doubt if he even knows what sport his son is playing…

‘Come on, Cameron Minor.  Erm… do a goal with that round thing…(to interviewer)…What is that round thing?  A ball?  Wrong shape, surely.  And why don’t they just pick the jolly thing up, the way I did at my prep school?’

Honestly, it is just embarrassing to watch this toff pretending to be ‘one of us’.  Do you remember John Major being chauffeur-driven round the area where he grew up and reminiscing?  Unlike Cammo, Major did come from a less than fabulously wealthy background, but even his attempts to ‘retrace his roots’ looked false and patronising.

Sadly, one thing that politicians rarely are is truthful.  This getting down wiv da massive looks so completely false.  Tell you what Cammo, try being truthful in this election campaign…

‘Do you want to be exploited by posh people like me?  Work for the minimum wage and make your wealthy employer even richer?  Be unable to afford decent accommodation and have to rent from a private landlord who hates to make repairs to his properties but loves to rake in the cash?  Then vote Tory.  You know we make sens…ible decisions that mean huge dividends to shareholders while bleeding dry those that actually do any work.’

That’s more honest, isn’t it?

Charlie Brooker called it right when he stated - ‘The Conservative party is an eternally irritating force for wrong that appeals exclusively to bigots, toffs, money-minded machine men, faded entertainers and selfish, grasping simpletons who were born with some essential part of their soul missing.’

Hear hear, brother.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Let’s move away from politics and onto birthdays.  What famous individuals entered this world on April the 18th?  Lucretia Borgia 1480 (Victor Borge’s mum), Leopold Stokowski 1882 (Pal of Mickey Mouse), James Drewry 1934 (Ian’s dad), Hayley Mills 1946 (Actress named after Hayley Selassie, the well-known drag act), James Woods 1947 (Eli’s lad), Rick Moranis 1953 (Rick Moran is what?), Malcolm Marshall 1958 (Crickety bloke), Bez 1964 (Bloke that can dance in an odd manner.  Erm… that’s it), Hayley Gabrselassie 1973 (Bloke that can run.  Erm… that’s it) and Maurice Edu 1986 (Footie bloke).  Hmm… Can’t think of anyone in there who can provide us with a toon to gramblerise… unless…


He's gonna gramble you again, he's gonna gramble you
He's gonna gramble you again, he's gonna gramble you
You're gramblin' my melon man, you know you talk so hip man
You're gramblin' my melon man


That was Step On by the Happy Mondays.  Remember them?  Shaun Ryder?  Mark Berry?  Who?  Mark Berry is ‘Bez’, the bloke who ‘danced’.  I always wanted to ask, why is he there?  He dances.  That’s all.  No singing.  No playing an instrument.  Nothing.  Just dance.  In hindsight, he is probably the reason anybody remembers the Happy Mondays… ‘Oh yeah, the Happy Mondays.  They were the ones with that tw*t dancing.’

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

How did we fare with our bets last week?  Not very well.  Oh, we got a return from our £2.20 stake, but only 68 pees [Wasn’t that a hit for the Alarm? – Ed.].  What happened?  Read on and all shall be revealed…

Sunderland vs Crystal Palace – Prediction Away win

Result – Sunderland 1 Crystal Palace 4

Yay!

Glenn Murray put the Eagles ahead when he headed in from close range after Bolasie's deflected cross.

Yannick Bolasie added a second soon afterwards as he poked the ball past Costel Pantilimon after Murray's knockdown.

A lofted finish from Bolasie made it 3-0 and he completed his hat-trick from Murray's pass before Connor Wickham volleyed in a late consolation.

Birmingham vs Wolves – Prediction Away win

Result – Birmingham 2 Wolves 1

Boo!

Wolves looked on course for a fifth straight win when striker Benik Afobe shot home from 10 yards.

Defender Rob Kiernan levelled four minutes later, scrambling home his first goal for Blues from a corner.

Winger Demarai Gray raced clear to fire Blues' winner after the break to gift all three points to the hosts.

Ipswich vs Blackpool – Prediction Home win

Result – Ipswich 3 Blackpool 2

Yay!

Blackpool took a shock lead when Andrea Orlandi coolly swept home Henry Cameron's ball in from the left.

Freddie Sears volleyed in an equaliser and then slotted in a second soon after as Town looked to have taken control.

Cameron levelled for Blackpool midway through the second half before Christophe Berra headed in a late home winner.

Oldham vs Sheffield United – Prediction Away win

Result – Oldham 2 Sheffield United 2

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Dominic Poleon opened the scoring from 12 yards out after hesitation in the Blades' defence and added a second with a fantastic 35-yard shot on the turn.

After Poleon missed a chance for a hat-trick, Jason Holt pulled one back from eight yards out.

Jamie Murphy forced home a corner which referee Richard Clark had overruled his assistant to award.

United could have won it but Michael Doyle's shot from 20 yards out hit a post.

Dunfermline vs Stranraer – Prediction Away win

Result – Dunfermline 1 Stranraer 0

Boo!

After an evenly-matched first half, the Pars took control, with Blues keeper David Mitchell saving shots from Ryan Thomson and Andy Geggan.

The deadlock was finally broken with just eight minutes remaining.

Substitute Fayssal El Bakhtaoui broke clear and coolly fired in a low drive from the edge of the box into the bottom left of Mitchell's goal.

Okay, so not a good week with only two of the five predictions going our way.  Maybe The Grambler can do a bit better this week.  Let’s see what he/she/it has to offer us this week…

Game – Result – Odds

Blackburn vs Nottingham Forest – Prediction Home win – 21/20

Brentford vs Bolton – Prediction Home win – 1/2

Wigan vs Brighton – Prediction Home win – 7/5

Barnsley vs Peterborough – Prediction Draw – 12/5

Crewe vs Walsall – Prediction Away win – 23/20

There you have it, my little gramblerinis, The Grambler has chosen, the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) have been placed and, if they all come up, the Bobby Moore Fund will be receiving… fanfare please…

£21.16

Will it happen?  Will it fu… Probably not.  Still, we can all dream [Don’t you mean have nightmares? – Ed]. 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Righty ho, teaser time.  Last week I told you that only four teams have won the English top league title three times in a row.  Manchester United, Arsenal and Liverpool are three, but I asked which is the fourth club to hold the honour?  The answer is Huddersfield Town who were the first club to achieve the feat way, way back in 1926.

What about one for this week?  Can you name the only player to have played in the World Cup, the UEFA Champions League, UEFA Cup, Intertoto Cup, all four levels of the English League and also in the Conference League?  Another cracker to ask down the pub, I think.  Answer next week.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

For the last few weeks I have finished with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog.  I’m going to do it yet again.  Yes, we have raised well over £20,000 for the Bobby Moore Fund, but the blog is mainly about raising awareness of bowel cancer.  There is an advertising campaign which tries to persuade people over 50 to take the time to do a simple 2 yearly test which could signify the early symptoms of bowel cancer.  What the advert does not do is point out that young people can also fall victim to the disease.  Stewart was 26 when he was diagnosed; an age where no testing is considered appropriate. 

If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr Mark Berry who here entertains us through the medium of dance.  Take it away Bez ...

 

Happy grambling.

 

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