Friday 5 June 2015

Week 44 - The Grambler on the number 18 bus

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will.

 He began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

It really does annoy me that there are people doing a job that involves interacting with the public who have the social skills of 
Basil Fawlty.   Yes I am talking about you the driver of the number 18 bus which passed me this afternoon.  Short of waving semaphore flags, I did everything to attract his attention, but did he stop?  Did he f... No he didn't.  There was I, standing at the bus stop getting soaked to the skin... Did I mention it was raining? Well it was.  Absolutely chucking it down.  Anyway, I was standing at the bus stop... the clue is in the name... bus stop... a place where buses stop... frantically waving my arms about to let the driver know that I wanted to get on, but he just sailed by.  In fact, I reckon he put his foot down and actually accelerated as he went by... a metaphorical (That's a good word, I must look it up.) two fingers to the bedraggled creature apparently trying to take flight at the bus stop.  In fact, I am certain he grinned maniacally at me as he drove by.  Although I may have imagined that bit.
Why do they give jobs that deal with the public to people like that?  You drive a bus, therefore you should stop to pick up passengers.  Passengers who pay money to use this service, I should add.  Do you know what bus driver Basil?  The more money you take in, the more money your employer will get.  Maybe they would even be able to give you the occasional pay rise, you SHORT SIGHTED CU.... [Steady on now. -Ed.]
I think they should toughen up the exam that determines who becomes a bus driver...
Section 1
Vehicle road worthiness
Question 1
A driver should check the wheels
a) Have the correct pressure in the tyres and have all bolts tightened to the correct torque setting.
b) Go round and round
Question 2
A driver should check the horn
a) Is operational
b) Goes beep beep beep
Question 3
A driver should ensure that the windscreen wipers
a) Are operational and that the washer reservoir is full
b) Go swish swish swish

Section 2
Passenger comfort
Question 1
A driver should ensure that the passengers on the bus
a) Are seated when the bus is moving
b) Go up and down
Question 2
A driver should ensure that any infants
a) Are securely strapped into their buggies and that the buggies are placed in a position which does not hinder other passengers
b) Go wah wah wah
Question 3
A driver should ensure that mothers carrying babies
a) Are seated comfortably beside the child's buggy
b) Go shh shh shh
Question 4
A driver should ensure that any juveniles on the bus
a) Use seat belts (if provided)
b) Go chatter chatter chatter

Caution: Drivers must not refer to their bus by anything other than its number and should not give it a name (eg. Bertie) and should not indulge in activities other than carrying passengers in safety and must not under any circumstances endeavour to race other forms of passenger carrying transport (eg. blue tank engines).

This is a truncated edition of The Grambler. Why?  Unfortunately, I am composing this on my tablet rather than my laptop, which is unwell.  Hopefully it will be feeling better next week.
Any road up, there will be no bet placed this week.  Sorry to disappoint those of you who like to follow The Grambler's advice [Are you mad? - Ed.].
I will, though, tell you what happened to last week's bet.  We got some money, indeed most of our money, back.  From our £2.20 stake we got a return of £2.14. Okay, so it is still a loss, but an improvement on some weeks.

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of .

Happy (non)grambling.

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