Thursday 28 April 2016

Week 39 - The Grambler with William and Kate

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will.

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy


Recently their Royal Highnesses Kate ‘n’ Billy went on a wee jolly...


‘What is it, Wills?’

‘It’s, like, booked. Yah?’

‘What is?’

‘Bhutan. Yah?’


‘Like, yah. I’ve checked Trip Advisor and everything. It looks absolutely brill.’

‘Oh, Wills. That’s like, amazeballs!’


‘Er... We are going without the kids, aren’t we?’

‘Yah. Not dragging two screaming sprogs along with us. Like, no way Jose.’

‘Er, Wills... This is just a holiday, isn’t it?’

‘Ermm... like, yah.’

‘You don’t sound too, like, convincing.’

‘Okay, yah. It is a teeny bit of a royal visit.’

‘Oh Wills! You know what that means...’

‘Like, what?’

‘He’ll be there.’


‘Him. The royal stalker.’

‘Nicholas Witchell? Okay yah, he will, like, be there.’

‘Oh God! He, like, puts the mockers on everything, Wills. Even if we were jumping up and down on a bouncy castle in full clown makeup, he’d still make it seem like a funeral! Couldn’t you have just booked us a holiday somewhere?’

‘Brownie points, yah?’

‘Brownie points?’

‘Yah. Got to make the plebs think think we’re actually doing something... erm... useful.’

‘But he’s so bloody miserable. Yah? He barely cracked a smile when he was reporting on the kids being born. At least Jennie Bond smiled occasionally. And he’s so fawning... Here’s the lovely Princess Catherine...lick, lick, lick and the handsome Prince William... lick, lick, lick.’

‘It saves on, like, toilet paper.’

‘There’s no need for crudeness. I’ve just, like, had a thought.’

‘Like, what?’

‘If he’s that depressing, like, when we’re doing something cheery. Yah? What’s he going to be like when your granny snuffs it?’

‘You’re right. There’ll be, like, mass suicides. We’ve got to get someone else as a royal correspondent. But, like, who? We need someone at least a hundred times happier than old Nick. Yah?’

‘Yah. Do you think Jack Dee would want the gig?’




Well, Leicester are still up there. They need just three points from the last three games to make certain of the title. That also assumes that Spurs will take all nine points. It is a great story of the underdog winning against the odds. And what were those odds? Last August you could have put a quid on Leicester to win the league and you would receive... Are you ready for this?... £5000. £5001 if you include your stake money. That’s right, the bookies were giving odds of 5000/1 that Leicester City would win the league. If you were a big money gambler and had stuck, say, 50 quid on them, you would be receiving a quarter of a million smackers from the bookie. I do hope that some ordinary punter somewhere will get a big payout. It’s always nice to hear of someone beating the bookie.

The bookmakers must have thought they were on safe ground, because here are some other bets you could make which have considerably shorter odds...

Simon Cowell becoming Prime Minister                               500/1

Piers Morgan becoming Arsenal manager                             2500/1

Alex Ferguson winning Strictly Come Dancing                    1000/1

The Queen having a Christmas Number One                         1000/1

The Loch Ness Monster being discovered                              500/1

Kate ‘n’ Billy having triplets                                                  1000/1

Dean Gaffney to win Best Actor Oscar                                  1000/1

Kim Kardashian for US President                                          1000/1

Elvis Presley still alive                                                            2000/1

So the bookies actually believed it was more likely that somebody who actually died 39 years ago would return aged 81 than it was for a team actually playing in the Premiershit to have a chance of winning it. What palpable nonsense! I always thought bookmakers were pretty shrewd, but it is always nice if they end up with egg on their faces. Oh how we laughed.




I saw a motoring story this week which makes me wonder if mankind is losing the ability to think. Fiat is having to recall 1.1 million cars. Ooh, you must be thinking, that is one heck of a fault if so many vehicles are affected. Actually, there is nothing wrong with the cars; only the drivers. You see, these are automatic vehicles (Jeeps actually; Chrysler and Fiat being partners.) which have a paddle shift type of gear lever. Thus, the lever ‘rocks’ rather than shifts. The driver knows which gear he/she is in because a light tells him/her. However, some drivers haven’t checked that the gear selected is ‘Park’ when they leave their cars. For anyone who has never driven a car with an automatic gearbox, the park position locks the transmission so that the car won’t roll away. So, these numpties (mostly in America) are thinking that they have selected park but haven’t checked that the ‘park’ light is illuminated. Forty one people have walked away from their vehicles only to see them roll down a hill.

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but I believe cars also have a thing called a handbrake. You know, that thing that applies the brakes when a car is parked to stop it rolling away! I have also driven some pretty clapped out cars in my time and I also believe in turning the wheels into the kerb as an added precaution.

We now live in a world where, unless people are given exact instructions to do something, they will sue if anything goes wrong. Thus, these idiots, for that is what they are, complain to Fiat as if it is the manufacturer’s fault that they are stupid.

The modification being implemented will probably be nothing more than a label to remind the driver to check that the park light is on before they exit the car. I believe the wording will be ‘You have a brain in your head; use it!’, but I could be wrong.




Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 30th of April? Well, as that programme hosted by Bruce Forsyth and later Matthew Kelly told us, you bet. Franz Lehar 1870 (He did The Merry Widow, you know.), Jaochim von Ribbentrop 1893 (‘My last wish is that Germany realize its entity and that an understanding be reached between East and West. I wish peace to the world.’ A bit late for that, mate.), Al Lewis 1923 (Granpa Munster.), Cloris Leachman 1926 (‘He voss my boyfriend.’ A quote from Young Frankenstein for all you fans out there.), Leslie Grantham 1947 (‘Happy Christmas, Ange.’), Merrill Osmond 1953 (A brother.), Steven Mackintosh 1967 (Ectaw, dear laddie.), John O’Shea 1981 (Oirish footy bloke.) and Kirsten Dunst 1982 (Spider-man’s burd.).



Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. In profit, as well. Worth a yay, methinks. Yay! We won £2.68, so we won 48 pees. Not too bad. All is revealed below, fair reader...


Aston Villa vs Southampton - Prediction Away win

Result - Aston Villa 2 Southampton 4


Shane Long netted an early header then raced onto Leandro Bacuna's awful backpass and squared for Dusan Tadic to double the lead.

Ashley Westwood pulled one back for Villa, before Long again set up Tadic to finish from the edge of the area.

Westwood swept in his second before Sadio Mane headed in in injury time.


Liverpool vs Newcastle - Prediction Home win

Result - Liverpool 2 Newcastle 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Daniel Sturridge's goal after 76 seconds and Adam Lallana's goal after 30 minutes meant the Reds were cruising at the break.

But Papiss Cisse headed United back into contention early in the second half before Jack Colback pulled them level with a deflected shot.


Charlton vs Brighton - Prediction Away win

Result - Charlton 1 Brighton 3


In a game halted several times by protests from Addicks fans at owner Roland Duchatelet, Albion took an early lead through Sam Baldock as he tapped in a pass form Connor Goldson.

Johann Berg Gudmundsson levelled for Charlton soon after the restart.

However, Brighton took all three points as Jiri Skalak fired in and Tomer Hemed added a late penalty.


Oldham vs Crewe - Prediction Home win

Result - Oldham 1 Crewe 0


Crewe had early chances through two Marcus Haber headers and Callum ‘Colonel’ Saunders failed to score against Latics keeper Joel ‘Mustard’ Coleman in a one-on-one.

Oldham's Curtis Main had a volley blocked before Jonathan Forte's strike from eight yards bounced in off the post.

Crewe's Brad ‘I’m free’ Inman's curling effort went close but was saved by Coleman.


Wigan vs Southend - Prediction Home win

Result - Wigan 4 Southend 1


The Latics opened the scoring through Chris McCann before Will Grigg added a second after Yanic Wildschut hit the post [It was a wild shot. Geddit? - Ed.] and Grigg scored the rebound.

Grigg then slotted home for his second and Michael Jacobs fired into the top right-hand corner for Wigan's fourth.

The Seasiders got a goal back when Wigan cap’n Craig Morgan - Aharrr me hearties - turned the ball into his own net.


So a fair, but not great, result for The Grambler. Can he/she/it keep up the good work as we get ever-nearer the end of the season? [Doubt it. - Ed.] There are 3pm kickoffs for 49 senior games from all English leagues and three of the Scottish leagues (Scottish Championship games take place at 12.30.) this Saturday, the 30th of April. What has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game - Result - Odds

Leeds vs Charlton Athletic - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Southend vs Bradford - Prediction Away win - 3/4

Hartlepool vs Portsmouth - Prediction Away win - 7/10

Stevenage vs Wimbledon - Prediction Away win - 4/5

Wycombe vs Accrington - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Oh dear. Four aways. I have a bad feeling about this. Anyway, if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…


Anything of note happen in the year 958? Yes. King Gorm the Old of Denmark died. You know what that meant, don’t you? They were... Gormless! Ha ha ha. Gormless. Geddit? No Gorm. Gormless. [Ye gods and little fishes! - Ed.]



Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which current League One side has, in the past, been sponsored by car manufacturers Talbot, Peugeot and Subaru. It was Coventry City. Not too difficult given that Talbot and then Peugeot had a car manufacturing plant at Ryton-on-Dunsmore near Coventry. Don’t know where Subaru fits in, though.

One for this week? What is unique about the FA Cup Final of 1927 between Cardiff City and Arsenal? A good un to try out down the pub.




Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of




And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, there have been complaints. Yes, it has been suggested that I was a little facetious in my comments last week regarding Prince, who had just died. Well, this week, I am indebted to a Mr D. Gilmour who puts that right with a rather special tribute to the late Mr Nelson. Click here and enjoy.

Happy Grambling.


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