Week 38 - The Grambler remembers George Carlin

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Two days. 48 hours. That's how long it's been going on and it is driving me crackers. What is, I hear you ask. An alarm, that's what. It isn't near the house; it might be more than a mile away, but it has been beeping away in the distance for two whole days and I am getting a bit cheesed off with it. It's non stop. Right through the day and right through the night. My question is this: if a not very loud constant noise is annoying me, what must those people who live nearer to it be like? Ripping their hair out by now, I should imagine.

Why? Why is an alarm still sounding after two days? And this isn't the first time it has happened. Earlier this year, it kept going for more than three days. Who uses the building that is fitted with this annoying contraption? Anybody? Whoever it is must be working a very short week if the alarm can ring out for more than three days without anybody switching the blibbing thing off.

I have another theory. In the general direction of the source of this alarm noise is a research establishment. It conducts tests on various materials, machines and sometimes even buildings. But what if some of the research being carried out is of a more sinister nature? However do you mean, I hear you say. What if there are experiments with animals taking place? Not the island of Dr Moreau sort of thing. More about subjecting animals to constant sounds. Do you see what I am alluding to? Perhaps animals are being forced to listen to this constant alarm noise and their reactions are being monitored.

Worse still, perhaps humans are being subjected to this bombardment of noise. This could be a new weapon of torture similar to water boarding.
It wouldn't be the first time sound has been used in this way. When Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega took refuge in a church in 1989, American soldiers bombarded him with rock music played at deafening volume to try and flush him out.

Three songs were played over and over. I Fought The Law by the Clash and Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses were two of them. Okay, they were perhaps quite rocky sounding, but the third song played was anything but. Too Old to Rock and Roll by Jethro Tull? Rock music? Don't think so.

I'm not sure if the music had any effect but old Noriega lasted 10 days before he surrendered... or did he just come out to ask for some different songs to be played?

 

 

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Were any famous or notorious people born on the 12th of May? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Edward Lear 1812 (Artist, musician, author and poet. Famous for his owl and cat.), Florence Nightengale 1820 (The lady with the lamp and statistician.), Gabriel Faure 1845 (Composer. Here’s a piece you might recognise.), Wilfrid Hyde-White 1903 (Ectaw. In a film career lasting almost 50 years, he appeared in nearly 100 films.), Leslie Charteris 1907 (Orfer. The Saint, he wrote that.), Katherine Hepburn 1907 (Ectress. ‘I never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun.’), Tony Hancock 1924 (Comedian and rude schoolby joke.), Lawrence ‘Yogi’ Berra 1925 (Basebally bloke. Famous enough to have a cartoon character named after him.), Burt Bacharach 1928 (Songwriter. Time for another clip. Here’s his first biggie, a hit for Marty Robbins.), Beryl Burton 1937 (Bike racey bloke.), George Carlin 1937 (Comedian.), Susan Hampshire 1937 (Ectress.), Miriam Stoppard 1937 (TV doctor.), Ian Dury 1942 (Singer/songwriter. Another clip?  Here's What a waste.), Billy Swan 1942 (Another singer/songwriter. Another clip?  He can help.), Chris Patten 1944 (Politician and Tim Rice impressionist.), Alan Ball (Footy bloke.), Ian McLagen 1945 (A Small Face. Here he is on keyboard duties in a place called Itchycoo Park.), Steve Winwood 1948 (Musician. Have another clip. Here’s 17 year old Stevie on vocals and keyboard. Subtitles are provided in case you want to sing along in Finnish.), Bruce Boxleitner 1950 (Actor. Comic relief to Kenny Rodgers.), Gabriel Byrne 1950 (Ectaw. A usual suspect.), Eric Singer 1958 (Kissy drummer. Took over as Catman in 1991.  Let's rawkkk!), Emilio Estevez 1962 (Actor. The Mighty Ducks bloke. Him.), Stephen Baldwin 1966 (Actor. Another usual suspect.), Tony Hawk 1968 (Skateboardy bloke, not a comedian.), Catherine Tate 1968 (Comedian, it says here.), Mark Foster 1970 (Swimmy bloke.), Jim Furyk 1970 (Golfy bloke.), Jonah Lomu 1975 (Rugby bloke.) and Graham Dott 1977 (Snookery bloke.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Spangle,

Thank you for the Small Faces clip. Wonderful to hear Itchycoo Park again. They had a few hits, I recall. I particulary liked the one that began - Wouldn’t it be nice to get on with my neighbours - but I can’t remember its name. Can you help?

Yours affectionately,

Les E. Sunday

 

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Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won, but without making a profit. 66 pees back from a £2.20 stake isn’t very good. What happened? Read on...

 

Wycombe vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win

Result - Wycombe 1 Stevenage 0

Yay!

Wanderers started the game strongly with Paris Cowan-Hall dragging an effort wide on eight minutes before Jack King nearly sliced Nathan Tyson's cross into his own net six minutes later.

The pressure paid off when Matt Bloomfield fired under the keeper on 19 minutes after finding himself in plenty of space.

Cowan-Hall fired over from Michael Harriman's cut back on 25 minutes and the on-song frontman smacked an effort against the crossbar before Danny Newton cleared his follow-up off the line on 55 minutes.

King headed wide for Stevenage just after the hour before Marcus Bean shot wide from the edge of the box at the other end.

Joe Jacobson went close for the home side with a free-kick on 76 minutes and Yves Ma-Kalambay crucially saved with his feet to deny Matty Gooden an equaliser with a minute left to play.

 

Coventry vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 0 Morecambe 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

All you need to know is that Morecambe needed a draw to stay in the Football League.

Cambridge vs Port Vale - Prediction Home win

Result - Cambridge 5 Port Vale 0

A resounding YAY!

The hosts were rampant from the moment they took the lead 12 minutes before half-time when Jake Carroll's dinked pass into the box was met by David Amoo, who swivelled well to power home.

Cambridge doubled their lead only two minutes later when a close-range scramble resulted in Harrison Dunk firing into the roof of the net.

Port Vale almost reduced the deficit 10 minutes after the break as Luke Hannant flicked Michael Tonge's corner fractionally wide.

Brad Halliday scored on 68 minutes, striding forward and unleashing a stunning effort which flew across Sam Hornby and into the top corner.

Substitute Barry Corr lashed home from a George Maris corner 16 minutes from the end before Billy Waters' fine finish, as he cut into the box to complete the rout four minutes later.

 

Notts County vs Luton - Prediction Away win

Result - Notts County 0 Luton 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The Hatters looked lively early on with Olly Lee forcing Adam Collin into a save with a powerful 20-yard drive.

Jack Stacey then drilled a low shot across the face of goal.

But Notts had their moments with Jon Stead having a shot deflected behind for a corner while James Shea also saved from Jorge Grant.

The Magpies' hopes of a victory then appeared to be boosted early in the second half when Danny Hylton picked up a second yellow card for a foul on Shaun Brisley.

But that did not deter the Hatters from trying to find a breakthrough with Stacey again coming close following a fine counter attack by the visitors.

And only a fantastic last-ditch tackle from Matt Tootle denied Pelly Ruddock-Mpanzu from making the breakthrough at the expense of a corner.

Notts kept plugging away in a bid to find a winner but could not trouble goalkeeper Shea.

 

Swindon vs Accrington Stanley - Prediction Away win

Result - Swindon 3 Accrington 0

BOO!

Goals from Marc Richards, Keshi Anderson and Paul Mullin ensured Swindon ended their campaign on a high.

Richards had Town in the lead in the 14th minute when he converted a Kyle Knoyle cross from close range before Anderson doubled their advantage in the 43rd minute with a superb goal. He played a neat one-two with James Dunne and steadied himself before slotting high into the back of the net.

Mullin made it 3-0 10 minutes into the second half with a low, drilled effort.

Both teams ended the game with 10 men after Swindon's Dunne and Accrington namesake Jimmy Dunne were sent off after a scuffle.

 

So it wasn’t to be last week; what about this week? Well, there aren’t many games taking place, this being the final week of matches in any of the English and Scottish senior leagues. Houston, we have a problem. There are only three games taking place this Saturday at 3.00 pm... You know, the time when football matches traditionally take place... that is, until the satellite TV companies started dangling multi-million pound carrots in front of footy club directors to play the games whenever they decreed. Don’t get me started. It does mean that games are taking place at all times over the weekend so, for once, we have to throw our (flimsy) rules out and move our little flutter to take in some of those games. Last week of football? That means we have to bet on the gee gees next week. Oh dear.

For the final time this season, The Grambler has made his/her/its footy predictions and here they are...

Game - Result - Odds

Lincoln vs Exeter - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Coventry vs Notts County - Prediction Home win - 11/10

Motherwell vs Hamilton - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Kilmarnock vs Hearts - Prediction Home win - 11/10

Cowdenbeath vs Cove Rangers - Prediction Home win - 17/20

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£13.21

 

Whopping? Yeah, right.

 

 

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Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which British league club has a name that begins with five consonants. It is, of course, Premiershit side Crystal Palace. Too easy?

One for this week? Let’s stick with Crystal Palace. Palace winger, Wilfried Zaha has just won the Premier League’s player of the month award. He is only the second Crystal Palace player to receive the award - who was the first? One to try out down the pub.

 

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As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

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And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. G. Carlin who provides us with a few thoughts to end this week’s edition. George Carlin was an American comedian who took a pop at many subjects, but especially the world of politics where he ruffled a lot of feathers. Ladeez and genullum, please enjoy the wit and wisdom of George Carlin...

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favour of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the foetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders.

Careful, if you think too much, they'll take you away.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

The God excuse: the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

Don't just teach your children to read...teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach military age. Then they think you are just fine, just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life... these people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? They'll do anything they can to save a foetus, but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman -- they don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a broodmare for the state. Pro-life, you don't see many of these anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black foetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do!

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? 'You give us a colour, we'll wipe it out.'

I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created.

and finally...

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

 

Voted the second best US stand-up

comedian ever... I'm guessing that not

many politicians voted for him

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.