Week 39 - The Grambler remembers Victoria Wood

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

There is a big event taking place this weekend. The whole country will be watching their TVs to see it happening. What is this event that enthralls the nation? Why, Motherwell playing Celtic in the Scottish Cup, of course.

I'm kidding, obviously. The main event is the FA Cup between Manchester United and Chelsea.

Oh, there's a wedding on as well is there? What's so special about that? Ah, it's a royal wedding. I see. We are all meant to get awfully excited because some ruhlly ruhlly posh bloke yah from a Ruhlly ruhlly posh family is like getting married to a games show hostess. She is honoured... imagine, she actually worked with the great Noel Tidybeard. Oh, it was the American version, so she never met Mr Edmonds.

Apparently, it will be a small wedding. Only 700 guests. That's small? By royal standards, it is small; 2000 people attended Kate and William's do. What isn't small is the cost. Thanks to the cost of security, the total outlay for us tax payers is an eye watering 32 million quids.

The keeper of the privy purse [Funny place to keep your purse. - Ed.] - yes that is a job title - reckons that the cost of having a royal family equates to 65 pees per year per person living in the UK; his thinking being that having a royal family is not expensive.

Hang on a mo. This wedding must be costing every man woman and child in this country at least 50 pees each. I think he forgot to add that the price increased if anything unusual like a wedding just happened to take place. Ditto funerals, christenings and the like.

I think the royal family should have had a wedding suited to these austere times. They could have shown that they were in tune with the wishes of us lot... the plebs. How, I hear you ask.

They could have cut the number of guests for starters. 700? Who knows that many people? Nah, cut that down. Close family and a few good friends? 100? 120? Unfortunately, that would mean they would still have to include grandparents. Sorry Harry.

And why have a fancy venue? Come on, there must be a bowling club in Windsor that they could have hired for the day. Most of these places don't even charge for the hire of the venue; they are happy with the bar sales. Cheap booze too. What’s not to like?

Meghan could have had sister-in-law Kate and mum-in-law Camilla in charge of the catering. I'm sure they would be pretty nifty at knocking up a few sandwiches. Some loaves of Mothers Pride, a few eggs, some tins of tuna and a few jars of mayonnaise are all they'd need for egg or tuna mayo sarnies. Them and a box of teatime assorted would make an adequate buffet. Auntie Anne could make the tea. How much would a box of Tetley's tea bags cost?

It is reckoned that the cake cost over 20 thousand quids. 20 thousand? For a bit of sponge cake. They’ve known about this wedding taking place for long enough; they could have been down at Sainsbury’s the day after Christmas buying up all the Christmas cake that had been reduced in price. There’s usually a long ‘best before’ date on these things. Easy enough to remove the sprigs of holly and robins and replace them with some wedding message in coloured icing. ‘Cheers Meghan and Harry’; something like that.

What about music? They don’t need a live band; Charlie could be the master of ceremonies and provide the disco... MC DJ HRH.

Total cost? A hundred quids tops. Sorted. Job done.

Hold on, I hear you say, they still need security, surely. Well, yes, if they’ve announced the wedding to the world and his brother, they are bound to need a bit of watching... and don’t call me Shirley. The simple answer? Get hitched without telling anyone. How easy is that? Security? Lock the main entrance door.

32 million? Someone's having a laugh.

 

For once, a useful royal wedding souvenir

 

 

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Were any famous or notorious people born on the 19th of May? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Nellie Melba 1861 (Rerr chanter. She was really famous in her day. She had a pudding named after her. That’s how famous she was. Has Mad Donna got a pudding named after her? No. She isn’t famous enough. Have you ever heard of a peach Mad Donna? Of course not. But you’ve heard of a peach Melba; named after Nellie Melba. See also Nellie Schnappes and Nellie Esandcream. Have a clip.  Be it ever so humble?  Ha! That’s a good one. If there is one word that Nellie had no comprehension of, it was humble. Utterly full of herself she was. Not a nice person, it would seem.), Nancy Astor 1879 (Famous for being the first female member of parliament, taking the seat of Plymouth in 1919), Mustafa Ataturk 1881 (The well-known founder of the modern Republic of Turkey.), Ho Chi Minh 1890 (The well-known president of North Vietnam.), Renee Asherson 1915 (Ectress.) , Pol Pot 1925 (The well-known dictator.), Malcolm X 1925 (The well-known human rights activist.), Colin Chapman 1928 (Car builder.), Trevor Peacock 1931 (Ectaw. Jim Trott, that was him.), Alma Cogan 1931 (Chanter. Known as the ‘Girl with the giggle in her voice’. Have a clip. Here’s her 1955 hit Dreamboat. ), Pat Roach 1937 (Wrestler turned actor. Played Bomber in Auf Weidersehn Pet.), Herbie Flowers 1938 (Musician. Famously, played bass on this.  All together now... Holly came from Miami FLA...), James Fox 1939 (Ectaw. Related to a whole skulk of acting Foxes. Do you see what I did there?), Nancy Kwan 1939 (Actress. Known - very briefly - as the Chinese Bardot.), Mickey Newbury 1940 (Singer/songwriter. Another clip? Elvis had the bigger hit with this, but Mickey did it first.  Here's An American Trilogy.), Nora Ephron 1941 (Film maker), Robert Kilroy-Silk 1942 (Politician turned TV personality. He fronted an embarrassing quiz programme called Shafted where he used to introduce the programme like this.), Peter Mayhew 1944 (Chewbacca. He’s 7 foot, you know. Check https://www.celebheights.com/s/Peter-Mayhew-7.html for clarification.), Pete Townshend 1945 (Once a quarter, now a half, of The Oo. Another clip? Here’s Pete jumping about a lot. Yay! He did the windmill!), Andre the Giant 1947 (Wrestly bloke.), David Helfgott 1947 (Ivory tickler. He was the subject of the film Shine.), Grace Jones 1948 (Chanter. A clip? Here she is with her famous hula hoop routine.), Dusty Hill 1949 (A third of Zed Zed Top. Time for another clip? Here’s somebody with some sartorial elegance.), Jeffrey Hyman aka Joey Ramone 1951 (A Ramone. Another clip? Question: if Sheena is a punk rocker, why do they sing in the style of the early Beach Boys?), Victoria Wood 1953 (Comedian, actress, singer, songwriter, screenwriter, producer and director. In fact, a right old smarty boots), Oliver Letwin 1956 (Politician.), Martyn Ware 1956 (A bit of Heaven 17. You want yet another clip? Yeah, why not. Here’s Temptation.), Jodi Picoult 1966, Marcus Bent 1978, Diego Forlan 1979 and Sam Smith 1992 (Singer/songwriter. A clip coming your way. Here’s his biggest hit to date.).

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grambo,

Thank you for the clip of The Who. What a marvellous band. They never had a number one single, you know. And only one album reached the top spot. Who would have thought it? We loved all of their albums, right from the very first one they released, although our memory isn’t what it was and we’ve both forgotten its title. Can you help?

Yours with oodles of love,

Madge Enner, Ray Shun.

 

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Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won and, guess what, we turned a profit. £2.29. Woo hoo! Nine pees profit. What happened? Read on...

 

Lincoln vs Exeter - Prediction Home win

Result - Lincoln 0 Exeter 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Coventry vs Notts County - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 1 Notts County 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Motherwell vs Hamilton - Prediction Home win

Result - Motherwell 3 Hamilton 0

Yay! ’Well, ’Well, Super ’Well!

Kilmarnock vs Hearts - Prediction Home win

Result - Kilmarnock 1 Hearts 0

Yay!

Cowdenbeath vs Cove Rangers - Prediction Home win

Result - Cowdenbeath 3 Cove Rangers 2

Yay!

I didn’t bother with match reports as it is the last weekend for the footy. You know what that means, don’t you? Blibbing horse racing, that’s what. Oh well. Here goes...

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Newbury - 3.00 - Masaarr - 3/1

Newbury - 4.50 - Crystal Hope - 11/10

Newmarket - 3.50 - Beyond Reason - 5/4

Newmarket - 4.25 - Desert Frost - 5/2

Newmarket - 5.00 - Hameem - 10/11

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee each way accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£41.21

 

Oh dear. That is crazy money. No chance.

 

 

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Teaser time. Yay! Last week I told you that Wilfried Zaha was only the second Crystal Palace to have won the Premier League’s player of the month award and asked you who the first player was. The answer was Andy Johnson who won it way back in October 2004.

One for this week? As the season draws to a close, let’s have a question relating to the only games still to be played. What’s it to be, cup final or play-off for possible promotion to the Scottish Premiership? No contest. Play-off it is. Partick Thistle play host to Livingston in Sunday’s playoff final; this week’s question is, who was the manager of Livingston when the club won the League Cup against Hibs?

 

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As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

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And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Ms V. Wood for this week’s ending. She had a wonderful way with words, so I thought a few quotes from her various shows might be appreciated. So, ladeez and genullum, enjoy the wit and wisdom of Victoria Wood.

"Honestly, who has sex on Christmas morning?"
"The Dalai Lama?"
"Well he must peel his sprouts the night before."

"Do you do sugar free muesli?"
"No. This is a canteen, not a ground sheet at Glastonbury."

I've got no sex life, I've got no frying pan, and I'm halfway through a tube of toothpaste I absolutely can't stand.

Daddy and I aren't into the drug scene, though we were the first couple in our crescent to use Hermesetas.

"Now. Call me a dashingly romantic sentimental old softheart, Vicky-"
"I haven't got time."

For a person with a full sex life, she's done a heck of a lot of tapestries.

I've had my share of gynaecological gyp. I still can't polka without wincing, but we're spunky in Cheadle, we totter on.

I never speak behind people's backs. If I've anything nasty to say, I pop it on a postcard.

She said "Kitty, do you like fun?". I said, no I don't. I had enough of that in 1957 when I got trapped in a lift with a hula hoop salesman.

"Did you go and see Macbeth?"
"Mmm. Wasn't a patch on Brigadoon."

I'm apparently something of a celebrity since I walked the Pennine Way in slingbacks in an attempt to publicise mental health.

"It's a melting pot, Stan. We're just going to toss ideas into the pot."
"It's a toss pot."

She'd come round on her way back from giving blood - and why they want it beats me, because the way she eats, it must be A Rhesus Nougat.

She was wearing a pair of bright red lycra cycling shorts. From the back it looked like two halves of Edam.

I sometimes think being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the pill.

Yes, I do look rather startled, don't I? It was taken in a photo booth, and someone had just poked an eclair through the curtains.

Anyway, we reached a compromise. I got what I wanted, and they didn't.

Pelvic muscles. Very important muscles. They won't help you with giving birth but they might stop you pissing yourself at Christmas.

I'm learning a language. It's called 'Get By In Flemish'. I'm learning it in case I ever go to Flem.

I was kissing him but all I could think of was which pocket my tic tacs were in.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.