Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
You know I have grandchildren. You do. I told you. I did. I've got three. I did tell you. You'll have forgotten. Any road up, they like to watch tv [How unusual! Children that watch television. - Ed.]. Yes. A current favourite is a programme based on the Horrible Histories books by Terry Deary and Peter Hepplewhite. It's called... Erm... Horrible Histories.
Anyway, the kids are now at that age when they find any mention of bodily functions to be funny. The programme does tend to focus on such matters quite a lot. However, the information imparted is correct factually.
It is actually quite a good watch for adults too; especially ones like me who also find bodily function jokes to be amusing.
It is fascinating to hear of some of the primitive methods considered to be the right thing to do when treating people who were ill.
How about this one for a migraine? Trepanning. Yes, you read that correctly. Drilling a hole. In the skull. Apparently, many survived this barbaric means of treating a headache. History doesn't tell us if it got rid of the pain, though.
An early form of Migraleve
Maybe, in years to come, the current thinking might be considered just as barbaric...
'Do you know how doctors treated heart problems in the 21st century?'
'They operated. They cut people open to work on the heart.'
'Yeuch! That's horrible. Didn't they have laser healers?'
'Presumably not. And if a patient had a pain anywhere, they were given pills to swallow.'
'Yes they were like little pellets. The daft thing was, if the pain was in your head, you took a pill. If the pain was in your leg, you took a pill. In fact, no matter where the pain was, you swallowed a pill.'
'It was either that or they put liquid into a tube and squirted it into the bloodstream through a hollowed out needle.'
'They must have been utterly primitive back then.'
'And do you know what they did if there was a problem with circulation? They cut the offending bit off you.'
'Well, that still happens.'
'Yes, but back then, that was it. If you lost a leg, that was the end of it. No new one growing back in its place.'
'What? You mean to say they had to live with only one leg? That's just daft. They'd be lopsided. How did they walk?'
'They didn't. They had to be pushed around in wheelchairs.'
'Wheel chairs. Chairs with wheels.'
'Can I ask you something?'
'What's a wheel?'
To finish, how about a gag? [For you, hopefully. - Ed.]
A man goes into hospital to have his leg amputated. After the operation, the surgeon has a word with him...
'I've got some bad news and some good news for you.'
'Oh dear. What's the bad news?'
'Erm, we amputated the wrong leg.'
'I'm afraid so. Obviously, we then had to remove the leg we were meant to take off in the first place.'
'I've lost both legs??? That's terrible! What good news could there possibly be?'
'The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.'
Boom and I think I can state quite categorically tish!
Were any famous or notorious people born on the 16th of February? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Henry Leland 1843 (Engineer. Founder of Cadillac and Lincoln.), Edgar Bergen 1903 (Ventriloliloliloquist.), James Baskett 1904 (Actor. You’ve never heard of him? You’ll recognise him from this clip... My oh my...), Richard McDonald 1909 (Co-founder of some fast food restaurant or other.), Vera-Ellen 1921 (Actress/singer/dancer. Here she is singing and dancing Three Little Words with Fred.), John Schlesinger 1926 (Actor/director. Midnight Cowboy. That was one of his.), June Brown 1927 (Ectress. Dot Cotton. Her.), Otis Blackwell 1931 (Singer/Songwriter. He wrote, among others, Fever, Great Balls of Fire, All Shook Up, Return to Sender, Handyman and this one, Don't Be Cruel.), Sonny Bono 1935 (Singer turned politician. Another clip? Why not. Here he is with his missus singing their first hit. All together now... They say we're young and we don't know...), Kim Jong-il 1941 (The well-known dictator.), Peter Hain 1950 (Politician.), James Ingram 1952 (Singer/songwriter. Here’s a song he did with a Doobie brother, Yah Mo Be There.), John ‘Brad’ Bradbury 1953 (Special drummer. A clip? Here’s Nite Klub, a live performance over the end credits of the film, Dance Craze.), Margaux Hemingway 1954 (Actress/model. Guess who her grandpa was.), Michael Holding 1954 (Crickety bloke.), Tracy Marrow 1958 (Who? Oh. Ice-T. Musician, rapper, songwriter, actor, record producer, record executive and author... In fact, a right old smarty boots.), John McEnroe 1959 (Tennisy bloke.), Andy Taylor 1961 (Geetarist. Time for another clip. Here's Rio from his Duran Duran days. Interesting video lads.), Chistopher Eccleston 1964 (Ectaw. Doctor Who number nine.), Cathy Freeman 1973 (Runny bloke.), Valentino Rossi 1979 (Motorbike racey bloke.) and Rickie Lambert 1982 (Footy bloke.).
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Mr Hasjoueur,
We are both great Duran Duran fans and bought all their singles and albums. Like so many top acts, they were commissioned to write the music for a James Bond film. Can you remember which one?
Yours with oodles of love,
R. Vyootoo, R. Keel.
Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened last week? A huge improvement on the previous week. I say huge. £2.48 isn’t so brilliant, I suppose, but at least it is a profit. Just. What happened? Read on...
Derby vs Hull - Prediction Home win
Result - Derby County 2 Hull City 0
Martyn Waghorn scored just before the break, volleying in after his initial shot was saved by David Marshall, to put the Rams deservedly ahead.
Fikayo Tomori had a great chance to double the lead early in the second half but nodded Harry Wilson's corner off target, before Waghorn made it 2-0 with a clinical finish.
Hull created little going forward, their best opportunity falling to Kamil Grosicki inside 10 minutes, but he scuffed his shot wide.
Grosicki almost turned provider midway through the second half with Jackson Irvine heading his cross inches past the post as Hull lacked any real cutting edge.
Sheffield Wed vs Reading - Prediction Home win
Result - Sheffield Wednesday 0 Reading 0
Ooh! ’It the bar!
Adam Reach spurned a glorious chance to win it for the Owls in stoppage time when he blasted over from Liam Palmer's cut back in the area.
Er... That’s it.
Swansea vs Millwall - Prediction Home win
Result - Swansea 1 Millwall 0
The Swans created several first-half chances and deservedly led as George Byers struck.
Millwall grew into the game after the break and were within inches of equalising when Jed Wallace volleyed narrowly over.
The visitors had further chances to level, while Swansea's Bersant Celina saw a neat chipped effort cleared off the line.
Lincoln vs Northampton - Prediction Home win
Result - Lincoln City 1 Northampton Town 1
Ooh! ’It the bar!
After a quiet start to the game, the Imps took the lead after 27 minutes when John Akinde flicked the ball onto Bruno Andrade, who cracked home a superb volley from just inside the box.
Lincoln dominated for a spell after the goal and looked in complete control until two key moments saw the game swing towards the visitors.
First, Harry Anderson was shown a straight red card after catching David Buchanan with a rash challenge.
Town then levelled in the fourth and final minute of first-half added time when Jack Bridge's low cross was turned home by defender Aaron Pierre.
However, the Cobblers failed to make the most of their man advantage in the second half as Lincoln more than held their own.
In fact the Imps could have snatched all three points late on when, following a Tom Pett cross, a huge appeal for a penalty for handball was rejected by referee Michael Salisbury.
Tranmere vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win
Result - Tranmere Rovers 2 Stevenage 0
Goals in either half from Kieron Morris and James Norwood earned Rovers a well-deserved three points following a dominant display.
Connor Jennings provided assists for both strikes, the first a clever clipped cross towards the back post that was deftly nodded into the bottom corner.
Visiting goalkeeper Paul Farman had a string of saves to make throughout the match, particularly after the break, as he denied Jennings, Jonny Smith and Norwood.
And the latter eventually got his goal by running on to a low pass, rounding the 'keeper and firing into the roof of the net from a tight angle.
Stevenage finished the match with nine men, with defender Ben Nugent the first to receive his marching orders when awarded a second booking for chopping Jennings down.
And then in injury time, substitute Elijah Adebayo, who had only been on the pitch for 22 minutes, picked up a straight red for elbowing Mark Ellis.
One of The Grambler’s better weeks there. [You reckon? - Ed.] Can he/she/it improve things just a little bit this week? [Nope. - Ed.] What are the randomly selected predictions for this week?
Game - Result - Odds
Bolton vs Norwich - Prediction Away win - 7/10
Ipswich vs Stoke - Prediction Away win - 21/20
Fleetwood vs Luton - Prediction Away win - 23/20
Macclesfield vs Colchester - Prediction Away win - 23/20
Morton vs Ayr - Prediction Away win - 19/20
Uh oh. All away predictions. This could end in tears. [Is that the same Ayr who were beaten in the cup by non-league Auchinleck Talbot? Just thought I would ask. - Ed.]
The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...
Oh dear. That’s much too whopping.
Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which club Brazilian forward Ricarlison left to join Everton. The answer was, of course, Watford.
One for this week? Which former Manchester United striker finished with five goals for his country, Uruguay, in the 2010 World Cup finals? Easy peasy.
As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr B. Johnston who provides our finishing link this week. Who, I hear you ask. Brian Johnston, aka Jonners, was a cricket commentator at the British Broadcorping Casteration during the last century and was prone to the occasional gaffe. I’m sure I have mentioned this one before, but it is one of his most famous... a comment relating to one of our birthday celebrants.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com