Saturday 9 November 2019

Week 15 - Cup of coffee, Grambler?

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will.

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

Before I begin this week's (g)ramble, please remember that this is not a serious blog, giving factual information that you should consider acting upon.  So, if you are given any advice which is... let's say... a bit on the dodgy side, just ignore it.  Okay?  Good.  Now I've got that out of the way...
I shouldn't really tell you about this, and I definitely wouldn't try it, but it is possible to go into a certain public house/restaurant which is part of a large chain whose name I would rather not say... Let's call it Weather-forks... and obtain a cup of tea or coffee without paying for it. How so, I hear you ask. Pull up a chair and I'll tell ee...

If you go into one of these establishments and ask for a cup of tea or coffee, you pay your money over and are given an empty mug so that you can get your own drink. They also welcome you going back for a second cup, if you wish. [Ah, I see; a free cuppa. - Ed.] True; but it is actually possible to avoid even paying for that first cup.

For this scam... and it is a scam... to work, go into the pub when it is busy and the staff are too busy to clear the tables... It happens a lot. There are bound to be used mugs on some tables. Simply lift one, take it to the loo to give it a good wash and then help yourself to a coffee. Or why not avoid using a cup already contaminated by someone else and simply bring your own?

[That is theft! I cannot believe you are giving tips on how to steal. Shocked, I am. - Ed.]

Actually, I wouldn't ever do such a thing. It is just an observation I have made while I am here in a pretty crowded Weather-forks. I have simply noticed that, in such an environment, if anyone were so-minded, they could diddle them out of a cuppa.

You would have to be very down-on-your-luck to even consider doing it. I mean, their tea and coffee are as cheap as chips. [It must be a while since you bought chips. Three quid for a bag of the things? Flipping extortion! - Ed.]

Ahem... no, I am not advocating theft. Definitely not. Perish the thought... Mind you, there is a blibbing long queue at the bar just now. I only want a cup of coffee... hmm... I wonder...
I paid for this.  Honest.



Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or notorius individuals born on the 9th of November? Of course there were; here are some I’ve actually heard of. George II 1683 (The well-known king. This was written for his coronation in 1727 and has been used at every British coronation since, including the next bloke’s.), Edward VII 1841 (Another well-known king. Liked the ladies. A lot.), Marie Dressler 1868 (Actress who starred in the first full-length film comedy Tillie’s Punctured Romance.), Giles Gilbert Scott 1880 (Architect. Designed a... no, not a... the telephone box.), Edna May Oliver 1883 (Actress. If ever a pre-war American film required a tart-tongued, waspish spinster, she seemed to get the gig.), Ed Wynn 1886 (Actor. A Disney stalwart in his later years. He voiced the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland. He also played Uncle Albert in Murry Pappuns.), Anthony Askwith 1902 (Director of posh films don’t-cha-know.), Hedy Lamarr 1914 (Actress who invented ‘frequency hopping spread spectrum technology’ in WWII as a radio-guidance system for allied torpedoes which could be used without threat of jamming by the Axis powers. It wasn’t utilised at the time but it provided the basis for bluetooth technology and wi-fi. Not just a gorgeous face.), Spiro Agnew 1918 (The well-known vice-president. Resigned with Tricky Dicky at the time of the Watergate scandal.), Dorothy Dandridge 1922 (Actress and singer. Here she is in a 1942 clip singing Cow Cow Boogie.), Carl Sagan 1934 (Astronomer and author.), Mary Travers 1936 (Part of folk trio Peter, Paul and Mary [Which one was she? - Ed.] Here they are hammering away.), Roger McGough 1937 (A third of Scaffold and poet.), David Constant 1941 (Crickety bloke.), Tom Fogerty 1941 (A bit of Creedence Clearwater Revival. Time for a clip.  All together now... Left a good job in the city...), Tom Weiskopf 1942 (Golfy bloke.), Phil May 1944 (A Pretty Thing. Time for a clip.  Here's Midnight to Six Man.), Luiz Felipe Scolare 1948 (Cara de futebol.), Lou Ferrigno 1951 (The original Incredible Hulk.), Jill Dando 1961 (The people’s presenter.), Bryn Terfel 1965 (Singer isn’t it. Have a bit of culture look you. , David Duval 1971 (Golfy bloke.) and Gareth Malone 1975 (Choirmaster.).


I’ve received a letter...


Dear Mr. Mengler,

We are huge fans of the folk singing group, Peter, Paul and Mary. They used to sing protest-type folk songs like the one you gave us as a clip, as well as some whimsical songs such as Puff, the Magic Dragon. They rarely entered the British charts with their songs but, in 1969, they reached number two with a song penned by John Denver; can you recall the name of it?

Yours with kisses on the bottom,

Lee Vinngon, Adge Ett-Plain.




Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our little bet go last week? It won. Yay! Well, we won a bit. A profit, anyway. £4.00 from our £2.20 bet. Better that a poke in the eye with a wet fish. What happened? Read on.


Brechin vs Edinburgh City - Prediction Away win

Result - Brechin 2 Edinburgh City 3


Match report? Nah!

Cowdenbeath vs Cove Rangers - Prediction Away win

Result - Cowdenbeath 1 Cove Rangers 3


Match report? No chance.

Elgin vs Annan Athletic - Prediction Home win

Result - Elgin 4 Annan 0

Match report? Other than to say Annan defender, Steven Swinglehurst was red-carded on 61 minutes, nope.

Stenhousemuir vs Queens Park - Prediction Home win

Result - Stenhousemuir 0 Queens Park 3


Match report? Again, no.

Stirling vs Albion - Prediction Home win

Result - Stirling 3 Albion 0


Match report? I should cocoa!


Not a bad effort from The Grambler there; can he/she/it go one better this week? Here are this week’s predictions.

Game - Result - Odds

Ross County vs Aberdeen - Prediction Away win - 4/5

Alloa vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win - 5/6

Partick vs Morton - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Montrose vs Forfar - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Edinburgh City vs Elgin - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Once again, The Grambler sticks with Scottish games. At least they are not all in League Two, so there will be a match report or two next week.


The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Predictions (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!), the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping....



Not whopping at all.


Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which country qualified for the 1950 World Cup but refused to play because FIFA wouldn't let them play barefoot. The answer was India.

One for this week? Which footballer first gained media attention when his youth team won a game 23-0; a game in which he scored every single goal?




As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of



Please, also take the time to click on this link, an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).  You might be interested to know that the total quoted in that little clip has moved on and is currently £52,676 raised for the Bobby Moore Fund.




And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther I am indebted to a Mr R. McGough who, as stated in the birthday honours, was a member of the well-known group, Scaffold, but is now better known as a popular, and indeed, populist, poet. I think, therefore, it is only right that we finish with some examples of his work...



I do not value
Added tax.


Good Old William

'I concur
with everything you say,'
smiled William.

'Oh yes,
I concur with that,
I agree.'

'If that's the general feeling
you can count on me.
Can't say fairer.'

Good old
William, the Concurrer.



She is so beguiling
That when she beckons
I can run a mile
In twenty seconds.


The Time I Like Best

The time I like best is 6am
when the snow is 6 inches deep
which I'm yet to discover
'cause I'm under the covers
fast, fast asleep.


Goodbat Nightman

God bless all policemen
and fighters of crime,
May thieves go to jail
for a very long time.

They've had a hard day
helping clean up the town,
Now they hang from the mantelpiece
both upside down.

A glass of warm blood
and then straight up the stairs,
Batman and Robin
are saying their prayers.

* * *

They've locked all the doors
and they've put out the bat,
Put on their batjamas
(They like doing that)

They've filled their batwater-bottles
made their batbeds,
With two springy battresses
for sleepy batheads.

They're closing red eyes
and they're counting black sheep,
Batman and Robin
are falling asleep.



I think about dying.
About disease, starvation,
violence, terrorism, war,
the end of the world.

It helps
keep my mind off things.


And finally, one that could have been written for Boris Johnson...

The Leader

I wanna be the leader
I wanna be the leader
Can I be the leader?
Can I? I can?
Promise? Promise?
Yippee I'm the leader
I'm the leader

OK what shall we do?





That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at


Happy grambling.


No comments:

Post a Comment