Saturday 17 September 2022

Post 459 - Swim, grambler, swim


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will.

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy


Story time...

When I were a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time. - Ed.] ahem... talking in a local accent was frowned upon. Us schoolkids were discouraged from using Glaswegian expressions. We actually used to have a period each week with an elocution teacher. I can picture her now, an older woman with blue rinsed hair and far too much makeup. Her name was Mrs Gerber and she was trying to get us to talk correctly. Well, her version of correctly. She would make us say the words, 'swim, swan, swim'. Her pronunciation was something like 'sweem, swan, sweem'. Our pronunciation was more like 'swum, swan, swum'. Broad Glaswegian. She asked me to say it and, had I used my own accent, I would have said swim, swan, swim, because I didn't talk with a Glaswegian twang, but for her benefit, I adopted one and joined everybody else by saying 'swum, swan, swum'. She left us with a shake of her blue rinsed hairdo obviously believing us to be a lost cause.

Why am I telling you this? Well, it seems that, these days, with regional accents disappearing, local ways of talking are positively encouraged. I thought, why not. So, sweem, swan, sweem...

Is it a wee story yiz are waanting? Here's a good yin fur yeez.

There's this wee duck, right? A right ugly wee cu... thing he wiz. And he'd loast his maw. Aw the other ducks used to chin him aboot it...

'Haw you! Aye you. Ugly guy. Where's yer maw went? Hiz she ran aff and abandoned ye? Nae wunner, ya ugly wee bas... duck.'

Well, thon wee duck wiz feeling bad enough aboot losing his maw; noo he felt a hunner times worse, see? He didnae realise he was such an ugly wee cu... bas... duckling.

'Why me?' He'd say. 'Why am I such an ugly wee cu... duck?'
So he decides to leave...

And aw the ither ducks went, 'Aye f*** off, ya ugly wee...'
But he'd already went.

So aff he goes, intae the rough grun near a big loch, an he jist sties there aw winter. Well, come spring he thinks tae hisself, sod this fur a gemme o sujjers, I'm getting oot o here. I'm away back hame.

Well, nae sooner had he goat back, than he meets wan o the ducks that had been gien him a hard time.

'Well, hullawrerr, handsome.'

'Aye, right. Stoap taking the pish.'

'Naw. Nae kidding. You're a stoatin' looking swan.'

'Whit? I'm no a duck? Get tae f***.’

'If ye don't believe us, away an look in the watter.'

'Aye, ye're right enough. Ah'm ur a swan. F*** me!'

Err ye go, eh. A happy ending fur the wee guy. Mind you, I'm no' sure why a duck should suddenly fancy a swan. Something no' right there, by the way.




Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 17th of September? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Francis Chichester 1901 - Pensioner who sailed round the world single-handedly. Nowadays, the coastguard would be after him to prevent him from even attempting such a hare-brained scheme. Back in 1967, he got a blibbing knighthood!

Frederick Ashton 1904 - Hoofer.

John Creasey 1908 - Orfer. Created the characters Gideon of Scotland Yard and The Baron.

Peter Glaze 1917 - Comedian, it says here.

Dinah Sheridan 1920 - Actress. Mrs Waterbury in The Railway Children.

Ursula Howells 1922 - Actress. Frances Forsyte in The Forsyte Saga. 138 credits on IMDb.

Reginald Marsh 1926 - Actor. Sir Andrew in The Good Life. 175 IMDb credits.

Brian Matthew 1928 - Broadcaster.

Roddy McDowall 1928 - Actor. David Balfour in Kidnapped (1948). 271 credits on IMDb. Mind you, his career did span 60 years.

Stirling Moss 1929 - Racey car bloke.

Robin Ray 1934 - Broadcaster. Presented Call My Bluff and Face The Music.

Peter Lever 1940 - Crickety bloke.

Brian Edmeades 1941 - Another crickety bloke.

Tessa Jowell 1947 - Politician.

Sherrie Hewson 1950 - Actress. Maureen Naylor/Holdsworth/Elliott/Webster in Coronation Street.

Steve Williams 1953 - Musician. One-time drummer for Budgie (That’s a band.). Would you like a clip? Your wish is my command. Here’s I Ain't No Mountain.  Shocking grammar.

Will Gregory 1959 - Musician and producer. Half of Goldfrapp. Another clip? Aye, go on then. Here’s Number 1. which reached number nine in the Yuk, but was a number one in the U.S. Dance chart.

Charles Lawson 1959 - Actor, so he is. Jim McDonald in Coronation Street so he was.

Shirley Ballas 1960 - Dancey bloke.

Damon Hill 1960 - Racey car bloke.

Michael French 1962 - Actor. David Wicks in Eastenders.

John Penney 1968 - Frontman of Ned’s Atomic Dustbin (That’s a band.). A clip? Indeed. Here’s Happy.

Keith Flint 1969 - Prodigy frontman. Here’s their second number one, Breathe. Don’t have nightmares.

Adam Devlin 1969 - Musician. Guitarist with The Bluetones. Here’s their biggest hit, Slight Return.

Dallas Campbell 1970 - TV presenter on The Gadget Show and Bang Goes The Theory.

Alex Hassell 1980 - Actor. Spencer in Anonymous.

Catherine Tyldesley 1983 - Actress. Eva Price in Coronation Street.

Jack Fox 1985 - Actor. Sir Edward Denham in Sanditon.





I’ve received a letter...

Dear Will Gramblory,

It was great to hear a track from you and Miss Goldfrapp. Can you answer a question for me, please? What was the last Goldfrapp single to enter the UK singles chart?

Yours with love,

B. Lever.  (No relation to P. Lever.)





Gramble time...

As you are well aware, there were no predictions last week, so, hopefully, there will be no hiccups this week. [The death of Her Majesty the Queen is hardly a ‘hiccup’. - Ed.] As there were no matches to report last week, let’s move straight on to this week’s predictions from The Grambler...

Game - Result - Odds

Burnley vs Bristol City - Home win - 4/6

Middlesbrough vs Rotherham - Home win - 13/20

Accrington Stanley vs Cheltenham - Home win - 10/11

Forest Green vs Morecambe - Home win - 10/11

Oxford Utd vs M K Dons - Home win - 19/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping


Nah, that’s not very whopping.




Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Walthamstow in 1993. I began my senior career at Tottenham Hotspur and in 285 appearances have scored 188 goals. I have been capped 73 times scoring 50 times. I hold the record of scoring the most Premier League goals for a single club.

Answer - Harry Kane

2. Erling Haaland has scored two Premier League hat tricks already this season, who is the only Norwegian to have scored more?

Answer - Ole Gunnar Solskjær

3. Name the coach who managed - Preston North End, Everton, Manchester United, Real Sociedad, Sunderland and West Ham.

Answer - David Moyes

4. Which German player has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Robert Huth (322)

5. Which club plays at the Gtech Community Stadium?

Answer - Brentford (I wonder if the players get a free vacuum cleaner)

Shall we have five for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in Leeds in 1986. I am versatile, having played as a midfielder, winger and full-back. I began my senior career at Leeds, making my first-team debut at 16 and, at the time, was the youngest player to score in the Premier League. Apart from a brief loan spell at Swindon Town, all my career has been in the Premier League. After Leeds, I made moves to Newcastle, Aston Villa, Manchester City and, my current club, Liverpool.

2. What do Mario Zagallo, Franz Beckenbauer and Didier Deschamps have in common?

3. Name the coach who managed - East Stirlingshire, St. Mirren, Aberdeen, Scotland and Manchester United.

4. Which Australian player has made the most Premier League appearances?

5. Which club plays at Banks’s Stadium?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.




Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK





Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at over £60,000.





And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr P. Glaze who, for nearly 30 years, appeared on the children’s television show, Crackerjack [CRACKERJACK! - Ed.] and the radio panel game Twenty Questions where a team of panelists had to guess a mystery object in 20 questions or less (His first question was always, ‘Can you sit on it?’ Oh, how we laughed.). Any road up, it seems that Peter Glaze was a favourite of Danny Baker’s, so please enjoy (if you can) Danny’s tribute to Peter Glaze.  Apologies for the ropey editing, it was obviously taped* on a VHS video recorder long ago.

*Taped - The word we oldies use whenever we have recorded anything, as, back in the mists of time, all recording media used a form of tape.

Peter Glaze ‘DOH!’







That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.


Happy grambling.


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