Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Story Time
A few weeks back, I had a pop at changes to toilet design. Do you remember? I was bemoaning the changing shape of toilet bowls. I was. Don't you remember? Well, I was.
Any road up, this week's (g)ramble concerns another toilety bugbear of mine... automation.
Whatever do you mean, I hear you ask. There is nothing wrong with a toilet self-flushing, surely. I deg to biffer, and don't call me Shirley.
Sometimes, they are just too sensitive. You might be sitting there, minding your own business, when you just happen to shift a little on the seat and... Flush! Soaking wet botty time. You reach to get some loo roll... Flush! Perhaps I've got it all wrong and it's a means of ensuring that your backside is cleaned without resorting to toilet paper. Green perhaps. [If its green, you've been eating too much spinach. - Ed.]
Ahem. That is one form of needless automation.
Here's another. Have you ever been to one of those public toilets that doesn't have a sink with taps? Instead, these ultra modern cludgies have a setup where you hold your hands under a nozzle of sorts to receive soap. Then you put your hands under presumably a different nozzle, or it might be the same one, (These things are out of sight.) and water pours out. After that, the same contraption gives you a blast of warm air to dry your hands. Great... if they work. However do you mean, I hear you ask.
Sometimes, they are not so intuitive (That's a good word. Wonder what it means.). I have just this moment emerged from a loo with this type of automatic washer/dryer unit and it did not behave as it was meant to. I put my hands under for soap. Yep. Quite a quantity of soap squirted onto my hands. Then the water flowed, or should I say, trickled. Before I had managed to wash the soap off my hands, the dryer began to do its work. I now had dry hands that were still covered in soap. I know, I thought, I'll use it again, but when the soap begins to flow, I'll move my hands out of the way until the water comes. Brilliant, or what?
The answer's what, I'm afraid. [Don't be afraid. - Ed.] Firstly, the unit had to be re-primed, so to speak, a red light glowed while this process took place and I had to wait until it turned green. And wait. And wait.
Eventually, I got the green light (Do you see what I did there?) and placed my hands under the soap dispenser, then quickly withdrew them. So far, so good. I then placed my hands under the nozzle to receive water and got... soap. Bugger! That wasn't supposed to happen. What next? It only blibbing well started to re-prime itself. At this point, having decided that this blessed gadget had a mind of its own, I left, soapy hands or not.
Speaking of hand dryers, why is it that some of them only work if your hands are in the right place to trigger them into action? And why does that point have to be in a different place to the actual blower? Eh? Yes, you have to reach right under it to trigger it and then, to actually dry your hands, move them slightly towards you. The problem is that, by moving your hands thus, the blower switches off. So you reach in again to trigger it; move your hands and blibbing flip! It's gone off again. Grrr!
Another bugbear [What exactly is a bugbear? - Ed.] of mine is automatic doors. Sorry pardon excuse me what? Automatic doors. Loo doors that lock at the touch of a button. The problem there is that, if it is your first time of using a given public toilet and you are uncertain how it all works, you might think the door is locked, but it isn't really.
You can guess the outcome. You're sitting on the throne oblivious to anything apart from moving those bowels, when suddenly... Whoosh! The door slides open.
Embarrassment all round.
I have been on both sides of that particular scenario. The first was many moons ago when I was a young man... yes, I was young once... I got rather sloshed on a night out in Glasgow. So sloshed that I didn't actually remember boarding the train to head home. However, I did and it had a loo. Yay! Why yay? Because after only a few minutes into my half-hour journey homeward, the motion of the train made me feel decidedly queasy. I headed to the loo, locked the door and assumed the position of kneeling down in front of the toilet bowl, ready to call for Hughie and Ralph.
As I was performing this age-old ritual, I heard the dreaded whoosh as the door opened behind me. I turned to see a rather fierce looking woman staring at me angrily. I could also see the eyes of several passengers also fixed on me and laughing at my embarrassing predicament.
'You filthy hound,' exclaimed the severe looking woman. I just grinned meekly and got up and headed for a seat next to my friends who were laughing uproariously.
Fortunately, I was far too drunk to let this awkward moment bother me, but... oh dear... the next day.
I did what? No! Never! Oh my god! I'm never going to use the toilet on a train ever again.
And do you know what? Forty years have passed and I still haven't. Well, not if it's got an automatic locking system.
The matter that prompted me to relate this tale was a recent ferry ride across the Irish Sea. During the sail, I needed to use the toilet. After unsuccessfully
attempting to force open the sliding door to access the loo, I spotted a large green button on the wall, above which was the word 'open'. I looked around sheepishly in the hope that no one had seen my attempts to manhandle
an automatic door. If anyone had, they didn't let on. Once inside, the door didn't close behind me. No, I was faced with a column of different coloured buttons. The top button was labelled 'Press once and once
only to close'. This I did and then I waited. And waited. Nothing happened. I was about to leave the toilet, when the door began to close, slowly. Very slowly. I felt like one of those contestants on Blankety Blank as
the carousel they are sitting on slowly takes them off screen and the new contestants appear. I wondered if I was meant to wave at the passers-by as the door slid slowly to its closed position.
The next button down read
'press once and once only to lock'. I followed this instruction and heard a solid 'thunk'. I now assumed I was safely locked in.
You know what was about to happen, don't you? You think the door opened like on the train. Well, you'd be wrong. Nothing happened. I had actually locked the door correctly.
How boring is that? Ahh, there's more. As I stated earlier, this journey was across the Irish Sea and a couple or so Irish stouts had been consumed. A second visit to the loo was called for.
I reached the door and pressed the button to open the door... I'd got it sussed, now. After a few seconds, it began to slowly open to reveal a rather embarrassed-looking woman sitting on the pan desperately trying to pull her trousers up.
I thought I would help her out and, while averting my eyes, pressed the button to close the door. Once again, it didn't close immediately and, when it did eventually deign to move, it was very slowly.
I felt really sorry for the poor woman who had to sit there while the door slowly closed. I'm sure the thought of waving to passers-by never crossed her mind.
Is that it, I hear you ask. The tale of a woman's embarrassment? No. I have another tale to tell.
I am sure that you, like me, dislike having to pay to use a public toilet. Or am I just an old skinflint? Sometimes, there is nothing else for it but to stick a 50 pee coin in the slot (or pay by card as is often the case, these days). If there is a few of us in a group, we cheat a wee bit and hold the door open for the next person. [Ooh, you are so naughty. - Ed.]
Well, here is a case when it is not so wise to hold the door open for somebody in order to save them 50 pees. And it combines pay toilets and automatic toilets... the dreaded super loo.
Having used one of these for the first, and probably last, time recently, I thoughtfully held the door open for the next user; a lady I didn't know, incidentally.
She cheerily accepted my display of courtesy and entered the super loo.
As I walked away, I heard screams emanating from within. The lady, now not looking so cheery, emerged from the loo wringing wet from the waist down.
After
apologising profusely, I realised the mistake I had made. This is super loo, remember. [And? - Ed.] And super loos self-clean after each user. This process is triggered when the door closes. The lady I had 'helped'
was treated to a blast of cold water spraying from all directions when she closed the door.
My advice to anyone out there in gramblerland... if you need to use a public toilet and it has any sign of automation... cross your legs.
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Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 2nd of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
Reginald Beckwith 1908 - Actor. One of those faces that cropped up in a lot of British films in the 1950s, especially ones made by the Ealing Studios. Played Lt. H. R. Bowers in Scott of the Antarctic.
Hazel Douglas 1923 - Actress. She worked with Brian Rix in his Whitehall farces for many years. Later played Nagini (disguised as Bathilda Bagshot) in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1.
Nadia Cattouse 1924 - Actress, singer and songwriter. A clip? No probs. Here’s Long Time Boy.
Peter Hope 1930 - Composer and arranger. Here’s a piece he wrote, The Jaunting Car (Ring of Kerry).. According to the blurb associated with the link, it was used during some of the TV test card showings; something only those of a certain age will remember.
Terry Richards 1932 - Actor and stuntman. Remember that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indiana Jones is confronted by the Arabian swordsman? That was Terry.
Peter Seabrook 1935 - TV gardener.
Desmond Hammill 1936 - Television news reporter.
Bruce Welch 1941 - Musician. A Shadow. Would you like a clip? Why not. Here’s F. B. I. Bruce is the one on the left.
Jimmy Bilsbury 1942 - Who? He was a singer and songwriter. You may not know his name, but you might remember this song wot he wrote, Belfast.
Kevin Hector 1944 - Footy bloke. He played in the first ever game of football I was taken to as a nipper... I was the nipper, not him.
Keith Emerson 1944 - Musician. Here’s something you might recognise, Fanfare for the Common Man.
Mick Jackson 1947 - Musician. He penned this, his only record to make top 20, Blame it on the Boogie. Ah, the late 70s when men thought having permed hair made you look cool. This record caused a lot of confusion when it was issued, mainly because it was also released by The Jacksons and featured a certain (other) Michael Jackson.
Dave Pegg 1947 - Musician. He is a member of Fairport Convention, is a past member of Jethro Tull and has worked with many other artists. A clip? What’s it going to be? [Jethro Tull, because it always is, if you get the sniff of a chance to shoehorn one of their songs in. - Ed.] Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s this, Northern Sky. Dave Pegg played bass on that track. Incidentally, you might be interested to know that John Cale played most of the other instruments on it.
Philip Hayton 1947 - Newsreader.
Frankie Miller 1949 - Singer. Have another wee clip. Here’s the song that makes every emigrant Scot homesick, Caledonia.
Maxine Nightingale 1952 - Singer. Here’s her biggest hit, Right Back Where We Started From.
Peter Mullan 1959 - Actor and film-maker. Jacob Snell in Ozark.
Paul ‘Smudger’ Smith 1962 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.
Derek Mountfield 1962 - Footy bloke.
Peter Amory 1964 - Actor. Chris Tate in Emmerdale.
Steve Redmond 1967 - Footy bloke.
Steve Edge 1972 - Actor and writer. Billy Dawson in Benidorm.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Maxine Gramblingale,
It was wonderful to hear your hit record, Right Back Where We Started From which, I believe was your most successful record in the UK. I have a question for you: Did you ever have a number one record anywhere in the world, say, Canada?
Yours mapleleafily,
.....oooOooo.....
Gramble time...
How did our last bet with Lordbakes fare? Not too well. We did win. Sort of. We got 62 pees back from our £2.20 stake. Oh dear. What happened? Read on...
Aston Villa vs Bournemouth - Home win
Result - Aston Villa 1 Bournemouth 1
Ooh! ’It the bar!
Bournemouth striker Evanilson scored with the last touch of the game to rescue a point at Aston Villa. Boo!
The Cherries were given a free-kick six minutes into stoppage time and, with everybody including the goalkeeper forward, Marcus Tavernier found an unmarked Evanilson at the near post who flicked a header into the far corner.
Villa had been the better side and went ahead in the 76th minute when Ross Barkley hooked in Leon Bailey's header back across goal.
Earlier, John McGinn had a strike ruled out in the 28th minute after a long video assistant referee (VAR) review.
McGinn converted Ollie Watkins' cutback, but it was ruled that the ball had narrowly rolled out of play for a Bournemouth goal-kick just before Watkins gathered possession.
Brentford vs Ipswich - Home win
Result -Brentford 4 Ipswich 3
Yay! Or should be phew!
Bryan Mbeumo scored a 96th-minute winner as Brentford beat Ipswich Town in a seven-goal thriller.
Mbeumo's left-footed cross into the box evaded everyone and nestled into the bottom corner.
Substitute Liam Delap scored to make it 3-3 with four minutes remaining as he met Leif Davis' cross and produced a delicate flicked finish past Brentford goalkeeper Mark Flekken.
Brentford came from two goals down and looked set for victory as Harry Clarke was sent off for the away side having picked up two yellow cards.
Two goals in three minutes from Sam Szmodics and George Hirst had given the Tractor Boys hope of their first victory since returning to the division.
Kalvin Phillips' threaded pass found Hirst who passed to Szmodics and the Ireland forward finished from 15 yards out.
Hirst then fired across Flekken as Ipswich took control.
However, their lead was wiped out before the break thanks to Yoane Wissa's 44th minute goal and an unfortunate Clarke own goal in the space of two minutes.
Wissa found the back of the net from Vitaly Janelt's cross and then got a shot away from a tight angle with Clarke getting the final touch and sending the ball into his own net.
Clarke brought down Keane Lewis-Potter in the box six minutes after the restart, earning his first booking, and Bryan Mbeumo scored the resulting penalty to make it 3-2 to the home side.
Clarke then fouled Lewis-Potter in the 69th minute as Ipswich were reduced to 10 men.
Delap scored to level matters, but Mbeumo's late strike gave Brentford the points.
Incredibly, the away side almost rescued a point when Delap crashed an effort off the post with seconds left to play.
Brighton vs Wolves - Home win
Result - Brighton 2 Wolves 2
Ooh! ’It the bar again!
The home side looked to be coasting to three points after substitute Evan Ferguson made it 2-0 in the 85th minute after in-form Danny Welbeck had opened the scoring at the end of the first half.
But Rayan Ait-Nouri reduced the deficit in the 88th minute before Brazil forward Matheus Cunha capped an impressive performance with a deflected shot which went in off the underside of the bar in the 93rd minute.
The equaliser came moments after Brighton somehow messed up a four-on-one situation as they searched for a third goal.
It allowed Wolves to break up the other end through Tommy Doyle who produced the pass for Cunha's late finish.
Bristol City vs Leeds - Away win
Result - Bristol City 0 Leeds 0
Ooh! ’It the bar yet again!
Bristol City made a bright start, but it took two saves from Max O’Leary to deny Willy Gnonto and Dan James from giving Leeds a half-time advantage.
And when O’Leary was beaten after the interval by Gnonto, Zak Vyner was back in support to clear off the line as the hosts stubbornly held on for a point.
[Two sentences. That must have been a really exciting game. - Ed.]
Sheffield Utd. vs Stoke - Home win
Result - Sheffield Utd. 2 Stoke 0
Yay!
Goals from Kieffer Moore and Tyrese Campbell sealed the win for the Blades
United opened the scoring after 14 minutes when Moore directed Alfie Gilchrist’s fizzing low drive into the net.
Junior Tchamadeu then collected Million Manhoef’s pass during a rare surge forward but his left-footed shot was comfortably saved by Michael Cooper at his near post.
Cooper’s opposite number, Viktor Johansson, then tipped away Vinicius Souza’s powerful strike.
Moore almost netted again but he was only able to send his diving header over the bar following Harrison Burrows' centre from the left.
In an often niggly affair which produced six yellow cards, United sealed the victory five minutes after half-time.
Harry Souttar’s forward pass was not dealt with by Stoke captain Ben Gibson, whose slip allowed Jesurun Rak-Sakyi to find Campbell who scored.
Ashley Phillips was inches away from halving the deficit on the hour mark but he was unable to direct his effort on target following a scramble in the penalty area.
With 13 minutes remaining, Stoke substitute Bae Jun-Ho found Lewis Koumas but he could only fire wide at the near post - and with that the visitors' final opportunity to get back into the match had gone.
Okay, not a good week; only two spot on and three near misses. Can The Grambler do better this week? Let’s see...
Game - Result - Odds
Middlesbrough vs Coventry City - Home win - 3/4
Q.P.R. vs Sunderland - Away win - 11/10
Sheffield Wed. vs Watford - Home win - Evens
St. Mirren vs Ross County - Home win - 10/11
Livingston vs Queens Park - Home win - 10/11
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
£12.80
Now, that is whopping.
.....oooOooo.....
Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Terrassa, Spain in 1998. An attacking midfielder, I began my senior career Dinamo Zagreb before moving to RB Leipzig. In August 2024, I returned to my youth career club, Barcelona, for a transfer fee of €60 million. I have been capped for Spain 40 times.
Answer - Dani Olmo
2. Which current Premier League player has scored the most goals?
Answer - Mo Salah (for the moment)
3. ...But what about those players who make the ‘assist’? Here’s the question: which current Premier League player is credited with the most assists?
Answer - Kevin De Bruyne
4. Who is the current captain of Everton?
Answer - Séamus Coleman
5. Which club plays its home games at Gayfield Park?
Answer - Arbroath
Shall we have some for this week? Yes, let’s...
1. Who am I?
I was born in São Gonçalo, Rio de Janeiro in 2000. A forward, I began my senior career at Flamengo before being transferred to my present club, Real Madrid, a week after my 18th birthday for €46 million. I have been capped for my country 35 times. I recently scored a hat-trick in the 5-2 game against Borussia Dortmund.
2. Who won this year’s Ballon d’Or?
3. Which is the only Premier League side yet to concede or be awarded a penalty in the 2024-25 season so far?
4. Who is the current captain of Celtic?
5. Why is St Johnstone unique in both the Scottish and English senior leagues?
There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
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Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK
.....oooOooo.....
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s). Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...
£79,534
…..oooOooo…..
And Finally...
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. G. B. Shaw who passed away on this date in 1950. Why, you may ask, am I including George Bernard Shaw in this week’s edition of your favourite ill-informed blog? The reason is simple: like that other great Irish writer, Oscar Wilde, Shaw is eminently quotable. Here are some that might make you think.
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
Youth is wasted on the young.
The liar's punishment is, not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.
Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!
Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.
To Winston Churchill - I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one.
Churchill’s response - Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.
Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it.
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.
You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
The most tragic thing in the world is a man of genius who is not a man of honor.
Liquor is the chloroform which enables the poor man to endure the painful operation of living.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.
You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.
Wise words there, mate. And, finally, not a quote, but it sums up the man...
While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: "To ----,
with esteem, George Bernard Shaw."
He immediately purchased the book and returned it to the friend with a second inscription: "With renewed esteem, George Bernard Shaw.”
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
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