Post 526 - The key to grambling

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story time...

Do you own a car? If so, does it have remote locking? By that, I mean, can you unlock your car by simply pressing a button on the key fob? Quite a useful feature you might think.

Moving on, do you start the engine without having to use the key? In other words, as long as the key is in the car, you simply press a button on the dashboard. There's an interesting word - dashboard. What has that got to do with motoring, I hear you ask. I'll tell you. Nothing. Instead, it is a word from the days of horse-drawn carts and buggies. There was a wooden board in front of the driver, which prevented stones or gravel from being 'dashed up' into the cart. See? Educational this is. Mind you, that still doesn't explain why the word got adopted for cars, although early cars were built like horse-drawn buggies, so the dashboard was still there.

Any road up, back to the plot. Why? [Why what? - Ed.] I have a car with keyless ignition. Why do we need it? To me it is more trouble than it is worth. How do you mean, I hear you ask. Think about it. If you use a key to start the car, you know where the key is. It is in a keyhole on the dashboard. [You don't say. - Ed.] It is the starter. A twist of the key and the engine roars into life. Simple. No separate button is needed. When you want to leave the car, you simply turn the key the opposite way, the engine stops, you remove the key, get out and lock the car. [Riiight. With you so far. - Ed]

However, with the keyless ignition, you have to put the key somewhere. [And your point is? Just stick it in a pocket. - Ed.] Exactly. Stick it in a pocket. What if the pocket you put it in has other things in it, such as other keys, hankies, money and any manner of rubbish? (That's assuming you've remembered which pocket you put the blibbing thing in, in the first place.) When you get out of the car, you've got to find the damn thing. It can take ages to find the right key so that you can lock the car. Fine on a dry day; not so fine if the rain is pishing it down and it's blowing a hoolie.

So my question to those people who design cars, why do you think it is necessary to foist clever gizmos onto us drivers who simply want to... erm... drive?

Don't get me started on those dirty great touch-screen computers that are there to be used to control functions on a car.

We can be stopped and fined for using mobile phones in cars because they are a distraction. Excuse me, I think that those screens are a far greater distraction than any mobile phone. Yet car makers continue to provide us drivers with that as the only means of operating controls such as heating.

Do you know why car manufacturers persevere with computer screens rather than physical pushbuttons? Cheapness. Seriously. It is cheaper to have an electrical line from the various functions to a single control point than to have individual lines to several switches and buttons. It makes economic sense to the manufacturer, but is not very practical for the end user: me; the driver.

It is made even worse in places like here in the Yuk and Japan or Malta where road users drive on the left. The touch-screen computer is positioned on the centre of the dashboard. [And? - Ed] And ninety per cent of drivers are right-handed, but they have to operate the thing with their left hand. Not easy, I can tell you. Mind you, south paws are probably laughing up their sleeves because, for the first time ever, something favours them rather than right handers.

When I first learned to drive, some time back in the last century, cars were simpler affairs. There were no computers or clever screens to operate; everything worked by a simple flip of a switch or by moving a slider from side to side. Having said that, they were forever breaking down, so the engine management computer was a real improvement. But why do we need anything more in a car? Satellite navigation is useful, true, but we managed with good old-fashioned map books and something called common sense before sat nav became more or less standard in cars, so it isn't something that might be termed a necessity.

Parking sensors are now fitted to most cars but, again, they are not a necessity. We used to judge parking by using mirrors and actually looking out of the car windows.

If the reason for removing physical switches is cost, why do we get so many other totally useless gizmos fitted? How do you mean, I hear you ask. [You seem to be hearing a lot of voices today. I can't hear a thing. - Ed.] Can anyone tell me why my last car was fitted with 'mood lighting'? Sorry pardon excuse me what? Yes, mood lighting which was a very slim strip of leds running along the top of the doors and along the dashboard. It could change to any random colour. What a waste of time and money. Worse was the light that shone from the door handle to spell out the make of the car on the road when you opened the door. Why? Did they think I might forget what make of car I was driving? Oh no! That would be awful. [You are being sarcastic, aren't you? - Ed.] I am indeed. What a complete waste of money.

Do we need automatic lights and automatic wipers? Don't stop me now, I'm on a roll. I'm perfectly capable of switching them on myself when they are needed.

Air conditioning. There's another waste. If I get too warm, I can open the blibbing window.

Here's my message to car designers and manufacturers. Keep it simple. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. [You what? - Ed.] Let's take it to extremes... Just because somebody can make nuclear bombs doesn't mean they should. Get my drift? [Think so. - Ed.]

I'm still waiting for that heated windscreen to be standardised. Maybe they don't put it into cars because it is something that drivers might actually fn well want.

 

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Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 19th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Herbert Wilcox 1890 - Film producer and director. Sixty Glorious Years, that was one of his. Starred his missus, Anna Neagle.

Alan Wheatley 1907 - Actor. Sheriff of Nottingham in 81 episodes of The Adventures of Robin Hood.

William Moore 1916 - Actor. Mr Lumsden in 39 episodes of Sorry!

Alexis Korner 1928 - Musician. He was sometimes called ‘a founding father of British blues’. Let’s have a clip from his musical combo The Collective Consciousness Society or CCS as they were less pretentiously known. The band’s most famous work was an instrumental version of Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love which was used as the theme music for Top of the Pops. But you don’t want to hear that. Let’s have something different. Here’s Brother

 

Alexis Korner. Whole lot of hair.

 

Garfield Morgan 1931 - Actor. Haskins in 45 episodes of The Sweeney. 146 credits on IMDb.

Harold ‘Dickie’ Bird 1933 - Cricketty umpire bloke.

Dudley Moore 1935 - Comedian, musician and actor. Arthur in... erm... Arthur. Let’s have a musical/comedy clip from a very talented musician.

Dougal Haston 1940 - Mountaineer.

Michel Roux 1941 - Cook.

Alan Price 1942 - Musician. Began as keyboardist and arranger with the Animals, before forming his own band, The Alan Price Set, going it alone and also working as part of a duo with Georgie Fame. Here’s a hit from the that pairing, Rosetta.

Eve Graham 1943 - Singer. Part of the New Seekers. Here’s the group’s first single, Meet My Lord.

Margo MacDonald 1943 - Politician.

Tim Curry 1946 - Actor. Famously featured as faintly feminine Frank-N-Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He also had a go as a singer. Would you like a clip? Here’s Read My Lips. Hmm..

Susie Blake 1950 - Actress. Hilary Nicholson in Mrs Brown’s Boys.

Trevor Francis 1954 - Footy bloke.

Sue Barker 1956 - Tennisy bloke.

Mark Greenstreet 1960 - Mike Hardy in 23 episodes of Trainer.

Gordon Marshall 1964 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know. A goalie.

Perry Groves 1965 - Footy bloke.

Mike Stowell 1965 - Footy bloke. Another goalie.

Kelly Holmes 1970 - Athleticky bloke.

Gok Wan 1974 - TV presenter.

Sarah Price 1979 - Swimmy bloke.

Victoria Yeates 1983 - Actress. Sister Winifred in 46 episodes of Call the Midwife.

Joe Hart 1987 - Footy bloke. Yet another goalie.

Nick Pope 1992 - Footy bloke. Not the actual pope. Another goalie? What the blibbing flip is going on?

Sebastian de Souza 1993 - Actor. Leo Veronsky in The Great.

 

Now then, what about the 26th of April? What famous individuals came into the world on that date?

Roy Redgrave 1873 - Actor. The originator of what has become something of an acting dynasty. He was the father of Michael who begat (There’s an old-fashioned word. You don’t hear of beget and begat these days.) Vanessa, Corin and Lynn. Vanessa was mum to actresses Natasha and Joely Richardson and film screenwriter, director and producer Carlo Nero. Natasha was mum to Micheál (Yes, that is spelt correctly.) Richardson. Joely is mum to Daisy Bevan. Corin was dad to Jemma Redgrave. A lot of begetting going on there.

Alliott Verdon Roe 1877 - Aviation pioneer and founder of the Avro company.

Eric Campbell 1879 - Actor. Often played the intimidating bully in early Charlie Chaplin films. Though he appeared in 11 such films, his movie career lasted barely a year as he was killed in a car crash aged just 38.

John Grierson 1898 - film maker. Known as the father of documentary films. I’m going to give you a couple of links here. One is a clip from a famous film he made in 1936. The ‘verse commentary’ was written by W. H. Auden and the score was composed by Benjamin Britten. Here’s (some of) Night Mail.  I mentioned a couple of clips, didn’t I? The commentary has been used in more recent times by Public Service Broadcasting, a band I rather enjoy. Please enjoy Night Mail.

Jimmy McGrory 1904 - Fitba guy.

Charlie Chester 1914 - Comedian it says here.

Ken Wallis 1916 - Autogyro expert.

David Coleman 1926 - Sports commentator.

Derek Waring 1927 - Actor. D.I. Neil Goss in 215 episodes of Z-Cars.

Jack Douglas 1927 - Comedian it says here.

Pat Quinn 1936 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Willie Wood 1938 - Booly guy.

Ralph Coates 1946 - Footy bloke.

Lois Baxter 1947 - Actress. Lady Caroline in When the Boat Comes In.

Warren Clarke 1947 - Actor. Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel in 61 episodes Dalziel and Pascoe.

Charlotte Cornwell 1949 - Actress. Liz in Dressing for Breakfast.

Roger Taylor 1960 - Musician. Drummy bloke with Duran Duran. Time for another clip. Enjoy one of the weirdest (and probably expensive to make) promotional music videos ever made - The Wild Boys.

Susannah Harker 1965 - Actress. Jo Franklyn in Chancer.

Daniela Nardini 1968 - Actress. Anna Forbes in 32 episodes of This Life.

Gregor Townsend 1973 - Rugby guy.

Jamie McAllister 1978 - Fitba guy.

Dougie Ramsay 1979 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Pete Firman 1980 - Comedian/magician.

Niomi McLean-Daley aka Ms. Dynamite 1981 - Singer/rapper. Another clip? Most deferably. Here’s It Takes More.

Jon Lee 1982 - Singer and actor. Part of S Club (7). Let’s have another clip. Here’s a jolly toon Bring It All Back.

Ricky Norwood 1983 - Actor. Arthur Chubb in 452 episodes of Eastenders you slaaag!

Anya Taylor-Joy 1996 - Actress. Beth Harman in The Queen’s Gambit.

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Eve Gramblham,

It was so nice to hear a song from your little singing group the New Sneakers. I wonder, did you ever sing a song that could be suggestive of somebody’s name?

Yours exploringly,

Nick L. Song

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

Since there was no bet last time out, there is nothing to report, so let’s crack on with this week’s predictions from The Grambler...

Game - Result - Odds

Preston North End vs Plymouth Argyle - Home win - 5/6

Crawley Town vs Northampton Town - Home win - Evens

Burton Albion vs Cambridge Utd. - Home win - 17/20

Stockport County vs Lincoln City - Home win - 5/6

Queen of the South vs Stenhousemuir - Home win - 19/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£12.02

As whoppingness goes, that’s fairly whopping, I think you’ll agree.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Westhoughton, Lancashire in 1944. A striker, I began my senior career in 1959 at Bolton Wanderers before moving to Manchester City. I ended my career at Derby County. I was also capped for England 27 times. Outside of football, I founded a paper recycling company.

Answer - Francis Lee

2. Which Wolverhampton Wanderers player was capped 105 times?

Answer - Billy Wright

3. Southampton are not scoring many goals this season, are they, but who has scored the most goals for the Saints with 228?

Answer - Mick Channon with 228

4. Which club links Luther Blisset, Ray Wilkins, Mark Hateley, David Beckham, Fikayo Tomorie and Kyle Walker.

Answer - They all won England caps while at AC Milan.

5. Which club plays its home games at Stark’s Park?

Answer - Raith Rovers

How did you get on? Too easy? Okay, try these...

1. Who am I?

I was born in Lodi, Italy in 2000. A midfielder, I began my senior career at Brescia before moving to AC Milan, initially on loan. I moved to my current club, Newcastle United in 2023 for a fee reported to be around 70 million Euros. I have been capped for Italy 23 times.

2. Which player scored the most goals in Merseyside derbies? [Is that Everton vs Liverpool? - Ed.] Yes. [Just asking on behalf of the millions of readers out there. - Ed.]

3. Which club links Alan Curbishley, Gianfranco Zola, Avram Grant, Sam Allardyce, David Moyes, Manuel Pellegrini and Julien Lopetegui?

4. Which club has been beaten in major European Finals by Valencia, Real Zaragoza, Galatasaray, Barcelona and Chelsea?

5. Which club plays its home games at the SMISA Stadium?

There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

 

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Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).  Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. We have now smashed through the 80 thousand barrier. Yay! The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...

£83,962

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. D. Moore. Not only him, but also a Mr. P. Cook who also helps out with this week’s finishing item.

I always saw Pete and Dud, as they were affectionately known, as the original Fry and Laurie. How so, I hear you ask. Well, all four found early fame as duos. In each case the dominant member, Peter Cook and Stephen Fry, found early fame as a solo ‘turn’. The other members’ careers... Dudley Moore and Hugh Laurie (both gifted musicians, incidentally)... seemed to languish a little before they both became mega stars in the good ol’ U S of A, Dudley Moore starring in Arthur and Hugh Laurie in House. During Moore and Laurie’s success years Cook and Fry’s own careers wobbled a bit before they both became ‘national treasures’ in the world of luvviedom.

And so to our finishing item... Unfortunately, most of the footage of Pete and Dud’s BBC series Not Only But Also has been lost. Apparently video tape was so expensive in the 1960s that it was deemed to be more economical to erase such gems and reuse the tapes. A great shame. Thankfully, a few snippets remain and I suspect that the piece that follows may have been an early example of home taping. Huzzah for that. So, without further ado, now is the time to say Goodbye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Post 525 - Five little gramblings

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

You are no doubt wondering why there has been no edition of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog of late; or of early, for that matter. I have been kept busy with other things such as one wedding and a funeral. Other than those, I have doing a lot of bits and bobs, odds and sods. Probably more bits and odds than sods and bobs, though. Talking of odds, I think Mrs G deserves a special mention. She always likes a wee flutter on the Grand National. Fine. So do millions of other once-a-year gamblers. She sometimes wins. Sadly, on this occasion, she won fu... nothing. Also sadly, she used the online account meant for our weekly (weakly?) gramble. Wiped it out, she did. I’m a bit miffed about that. Cost me eight quid!

Anyway, as this is being posted midweek, I’ll avoid any predictions and, as a special treat, provide you with two story times. [That’s not a treat; that’s torture. - Ed.] Would you like that? Are you sitting comfortably? Then, I’ll begin...

Story Time 1

After my cheese story... The cheese story. You remember it. You do. The one about the guy stealing 22 tonnes of cheese. You must remember it. It was only a few months ago. You know the one. No? Never mind. Any road up, it was the story I have since dubbed the great cheese heist of 2024. [Shouldn't, heh heh, that be, heh heh, the grate cheese heist of 2024? Do you see what I did there? - Ed.] Ahem...I thought I would look for other interesting news headlines. What about this one?

Prolific shoplifter banned from wearing wigs

Once again, it made me wonder what the blibbing...

Okay, I'm guessing that said shoplifter... Shoplifter, it's an interesting word, isn't it? Why shoplifter? Nobody can actually lift a shop. The lifting part refers to the goods they help themselves to. Yes? So if they were to steal, say, a shirt, they might be known as a shirtli... Maybe not. Any road up, I digress. I'm surmising that the thief was known as somebody who would don disguises as they went about their nefarious (That's a good word. Wonder what it means.) business.

My question is this: How on earth can the polis enforce the ruling that the wig-wearing ne'er-do-well must become a non-wig-wearing ne'er do thingy? Surely, the very reason the crook dons a wig in the first place is to disguise his or her appearance. So, answer me this, how is a disguised criminal going to be recognised?

'Yes officer, I am indeed wearing a wig. What? You think I'm that shoplifter who got banned from wearing wigs? How can I be? I'm wearing a wig. They aren't allowed to, so I'm obviously not them. What? Why have I got ten kilograms of cheese in my bag? I like cheese... a lot. Receipt? I don't actually have one. You see, believe it or believe it not, it fell off the back of a lorry. I can get you some if you like... I know a bloke who's got tons of the stuff.'

Then again, any criminal who is worth their salt can adopt a far better disguise these days. The face mask. There are still people out there who don't like to venture out without a face mask. [Like Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th. - Ed.] No, not like him. I'm talking about people wearing protective masks. Obviously, they still worry about contracting covid (the well-known virus from off of the pandemic) and are doing their best to avoid picking up any germs. Admittedly, there aren't many still wearing such masks, but there are enough out there for nobody to think twice about it. Nowadays, we tend to simply dismiss them as being a bit eccentric or even cowardly. Whatever we think, such a disguise would go pretty much unnoticed; perfect for any budding thieves out there.

Not that I'm advocating any such thing but, if you are considering a life of crime, it's an option... Just remember, it wasn't me that gave you the advice. Okay?

By the way, can I interest you in some cheese?

Story Time 2

I will begin this tale by asking if you have ever read Douglas Adams' Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy books. It was a trilogy... of five books. I can't remember which book it was that contained the gem relating to a film which won an award for the most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a screenplay. No matter, but it does, obliquely, tie in with this week's topic.

Incidentally, that line in the book had to be censored for the US edition. Instead of the word f*ck, Adams put in the word Belgium, which is arguably funnier.

Any road up, this week's topic concerns the proliferation (That's a good word. I’m full of them this week.) of adverts and products that use words closely related to the ‘f word’ in all its forms. However do you mean, I hear you ask?

The first instance worth mentioning is the clothing company FCUK. Those initials, they claim, stand for 'French Connection United Kingdom'. Aye, sure they do.

Their products are probably popular with children who think they are being incredibly risqué by wearing them and adults with a very childish sense of humour. Oh, how we laughed.

Twas ever so. When I was a teenager, I thought it funny that I had a sweatshirt with the word 'bullshirt' embroidered on it. The writing was very small, so that, from a distance, it might have been mistaken for another word. Oh, how we laughed.

Then, there is the restaurant chain with the name TFI Friday. Again, the claim is that the F stands for some innocent word such as flip, but really, the actual word is pretty obvious. Oh, how we laughed.

A cinema ad years ago for an American lager, featured a Yank wearing a rather fetching fur hat. The script had him saying that he was filming in some obscure location, and that he couldn't work out the director's instruction that he should wear the fox hat. Oh, how we laughed.

There is an advert on TV currently that extols the virtues of a particular holiday company. In it, those that use the company are described as smart bookers... or is it clever bookers. Again, it is obvious what word is implied by the word booker. It is also voiced by Paddy McGuinness, so it is perhaps no surprise that it is almost exactly the complete opposite of subtle. Oh how... etc.

Even in those bastions of sense and sensibility, hospitals, I have spotted the f word substitute cropping up. I have seen a poster trying to point out the dangers of diabetes in young people. The suggestion is that they stop drinking sugary drinks. Very sensible. How do they get this laudable message across? An image of a generic drink carton with the words 'Just duk it'. Come on; who are you kidding? Unless I'm missing some diabetes in joke here. If I am, I apologise. To me, it is just further proof that our language is regressing rather that progressing.

What has sparked this rant regarding the deterioration of the English language and the acceptance of swearing as if it doesn't matter. [Actually, does it? They are only words, after all. - Ed.] True, but some of us grew up when such words were definitely not used in polite conversation. Swearing was seen as having a poor vocabulary. Nowadays, swearing is everywhere. Okay, maybe I can accept that, but one place I don't think it is appropriate is on children's television and programmes for under fives at that. Surely not, I hear you protest. Surely so, I answer.

There is an animated series aimed at pre-school-aged kids called Hey Duggie. Very popular it is, too. Quite often, the programme features a jolly singalong song that little uns can... erm... sing along to. I recommend The Stick Song. 

Sometimes, a classic nursery song is given a makeover to make it sound a bit more modern.  One such is every kid's favourite, Five Little Ducks. You know the one. You do. Don't pretend you don't. It goes... Five little ducks went swimming one day, over the hills and far away, mother duck went quack quack quack quack and only four little ducks came back... and so it goes on until no little ducks come back, by which time mother duck has probably been reported to the authorities for negligence. Luckily, it all ends well, with all five little ducks returning safely. [Thank goodness for that; I was getting really worried there. - Ed.]

So, let's get back to the Hey Duggie version. First off, it is sung or, rather, spoken in the style of Boris Johnson. That, in itself, is amusing to adults, although pre-fives wouldn't understand the joke. Actually, it may well be Boris himself doing the voice-over; we know how much he rates children's TV programmes. Peppa Pig seems to be a favourite of his. And he probably would do anything for money so, yes, it could be him. [I should point out that Boris would absolutely, definitely, categorically not do anything for money... so please don't sue us. - Ed.]

Anyhow, I mentioned that this particular nursery rhyme had been given a modern makeover. While Boris (soundalike) is reading the standard words, there is a background chorus of 'Where are the ducks at.' That doesn't look too problematic when it is written down, but listen to it and you'll understand the reason for my disapproval.

Five Little Ducks Song  | Duggee Nursery Rhymes | Hey Duggee - YouTube

Shocked and stunned I am.

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 29th of March? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Selwyn Edge 1868 - Car racey/recordy bloke.

Edwin Lutyens 1869 - Architect.

Mabel Constanduros 1880 - Actress and writer. An early British radio star.

William Walton 1902 - Prolific composer. Here’s your first clip of the week, his patriotic score for the equally patriotic wartime film First of the Few.

Arthur Negus 1903 - He was the first of the many TV antiques experts. His TV career started at the age of 62 when he was on the panel of the antiques programme Going for a Song.

A song? I’d arg I’m worth more than that.

Jack Jones 1913 - Trade Union leader.

Chapman Pincher 1914 - Journalist, historian and novelist. He lived to be 100.

George Chisholm 1915 - Musician. Have a little clip. West End Blues.

Geoff Duke 1923 - Motorbike racery bloke.

Reg Gutteridge 1924 - Boxing commentator. [What does that entail? ‘He’s hit him. He’s hit him again. He’s hit him back.’ - Ed.]

Philip Locke 1928 - Actor. Vargas in Thunderball.

Norman Tebbit 1931 - Politician. I wonder if he can still ride his bike.

Terry Lawless 1933 - Boxing trainer.

Ruby Murray 1935 - Singer. A clip? Why not. Here’s her number one record, Softly Softly. [I could fair go a tikka masala. - Ed.]

Richard Rodney Bennett 1936 - Composer. Here’s one of his film scores; see if you recognise it.

Richard Sarstedt aka Eden Kane 1940 - Singer. Have another clip. Here’s Forget Me Not.

Julie Goodyear 1942 - Actress. Bet Lynch in Coronation Street.

Eric Idle 1943 - Comedian. Member of ‘The Pythons’.

John Major 1943 - Politician.

John Suchet 1944 - Newsreader.

John ‘Speedy’ Keen 1945 - Musician. His greatest success came with his song Something in the Air which he performed as vocalist with Thunderclap Newman. Did you know he also penned this one? Here’s Armenia City in the Sky.

Dave Greenfield 1949 - Musician. Keyboardist with The Stranglers. Have a clip. Here’s his most famous piece, Golden Brown.

Paul Gilbertson 1962 - Musician. Founding member of James. Have a clip. Here’s Chain Mail.

Dom Littlewood 1965 - TV presenter.

Priti Patel 1972 - Politician.

What about the 5th of April? Anyone famous born on that date? Of course there were...

Joseph Lister 1827 - Surgeon.

Harry Daft 1866 - Crickety bloke. I’ve never heard of him, but what a name.

Chesney Allen 1894 - Entertainer. Became famous as half of Flanagan and Allen and being part of a popular comedy troupe known as ‘The Crazy Gang’. He and Bud Flanagan sang a few songs which were incredibly popular in their day. Here’s a recording from 1939, The Umbrella Man.

John Le Mesurier 1912 - Jobbing actor. His most famous role was as Sgt. Wilson in Dad’s Army. 241 credits on IMDb.

Arthur Hailey 1920 - Orfer. Airport: that was one of his.

Tom Finney 1922 - Footy bloke.

Michael Bryant 1928 - Actor. Cdr. George Marsh in Colditz.

Nigel Hawthorne 1929 - Actor. Sir Humphrey Appleby in Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister.

Joe Meek 1929 - Record producer. Famously recorded in a studio of his small flat which provided a unique sound. He wrote and produced this tune which reached number one in both the UK and the good ol’ U S of A, Telstar.

Peter Grant 1935 - Music producer who managed the Yardbirds, Led Zeppelin and Bad Company among others.

Robin Smith 1939 - Who? He used the stage name Crispian St. Peters. [Pretentious? Moi? - Ed.] Have a clip. Here’s Pied Piper.

Dave Swarbrick 1941 - Musician. A bit of Fairport Convention. Here he is fiddling away on Lark in the Morning.

Peter Greenaway 1942 - Film producer. The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover was one of his.

Allan Clark 1942 - Singer and songwriter. A Holly. Would you like a clip? Of course you would. Here’s Carrie Anne.

Tommy Smith 1945 - Footy bloke.

Jane Asher 1946 - Actress, author and cake maker. First sampled fame when she was Paul McCartney’s bird back in the sixties.

Russell Davies 1946 - Journalist and broadcaster.

Dave Holland 1948 - Drummer. A bit of Judas Priest. Let’s have another clip. Here’s Breaking the Law.

Les Binks 1948 - Drummer. A bit of Judas Priest before Dave Holland. Evidently, all drummers had to be born on the same day.

Roy McFarland 1948 - Footy bloke. He was playing in the very first game I ever went to. Yes, I am that old.

Everett Morton 1950 - Drummer. A bit of The Beat. Here’s the band’s first hit, Tears of a Clown.

Anthony Horowitz 1955 - Orfer. Created the boy spy, Alex Rider.

Janice Long 1955 - Broadcaster.

Ian Redford 1960 - Fitba guy.

Richard Gough 1962 - Fitba guy or should that be fotbollsspelare?

Stewart Lee 1968 - Comedian.

Krishnan Guru-Murthy 1970 - Journalist and presenter.

Victoria Hamilton 1971 - Actress. Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother in The Crown.

Jason Done 1973 - Actor. Tom Clarkson in Waterloo Road.

John Hartson 1975 - pêl-droediwr

Dwain Chambers 1978 - Athleticky bloke.

Lily James 1989 - Actress. Lady Rose Aldridge in Downton Abbey.

And now, please welcome those famous folk born on the 12th of April.

Agnes Brown 1866 - Suffragist.

William ‘Fatty’ Foulke 1874 - Footy bloke from pre-politically correct times.

Cecil Kimber 1888 - Motor engineer and founder of the MG car company.

Eddie Turnbull 1923 - Fitba guy.

Oliver Postgate 1925 - Animator.

Elspet Gray 1929 - Actress. Gertrude, Queen of Flanders in The Blackadder.

John Beerling 1937 - Radio producer and station controller.

Alan Ayckbourn 1939 - Playwright and director.

Bobby Moore 1941 - Footy bloke.

Bill Bryden 1942 - Playwright, director and screenwriter.

Liz Gebhardt 1945 - Actress. Maureen Bullock in Please Sir! and The Fenn Street Gang.

George Robertson 1946 - Politician.

Jeremy Beadle 1948 - Prankster or pain in the a***, take your pick.

Tony James 1953 - Musician. Bassist with Generation X before forming Sigue Sigue Sputnik. Have a bit of rockabilly electronica... or whatever it was classified as. Here’s Love Missile F1 11.

Tony Dunn 1957 - Actor. Tony in Dinnerladies.

Will Sergeant 1958 - Musician. A Bunnyman. Have a clip. Here’s Nothing Lasts Forever.

Jan Pearson 1959 - Actress. Karen Hollins in Doctors.

Chris Fairclough 1964 - Footy bloke.

Sean Welch 1965 - Musician. Bassist for The Beautiful South. Here’s a track that didn’t do as well as some, Let Love Speak Up Itself.

Guy Berryman 1978 - Musician. A bit of Coldplay...ing the bass. A clip? Why not. Here’s Humankind.

Paul Nicholls 1979 - Actor. Steve Bell in Ackley Bridge.

Gary Caldwell 1982 - Fitba guy.

Phoebe Thomas 1983 - Actress. Maria Kendall in Holby City.

Mark Hoyle aka LadBaby 1987 - Youtuber, blogger and (it says here) musician. He seems to have a sausage roll fixation judging by his run of number one Christmas singles. Which shall we have? Let’s have the original, We Built This City... on Sausage Rolls.

Steven Lawless 1991 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Jordan Archer 1993 - Footy bloke. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Will Sergramble,

It was wonderful to hear a song by you and the other Bunnymen, not forgetting Echo, of course. We both enjoyed it very much. Here’s a question for you. What was the Doors song that you covered for a film soundtrack?

Yours oddly,

P. Pull, R. Strange.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Wembley in 1995. A winger, I began my senior career at Norwich City and was loaned out to Swindon Town, Southend United, Blackpool, Scunthorpe United, Colchester United and Coventry City. In 2017 I was transferred to Newcastle United and again was loaned out to other clubs; this time West Bromwich Albion and Sheffield Wednesday. I now play in the Newcastle first team, clocking up 175 games so far. I have a twin brother who plays football for Portsmouth.

Answer - Jacob Murphy

2. Who is the only ‘Albanian’ to currently play in the Premier League?

Answer - Armando Broja. I put Albania in inverted commas because he was actually born in Slough.

3. Which player has made the most appearances for Aston Villa?

Answer - Charlie Aitken

4. Which Canadian has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Tomasz Radzinski (194)

5. Name all the teams in the English and Scottish senior leagues with the word ‘Rangers’ in their name.

Answer - There are three: Queens Park Rangers, the Teddy Bears (Rangers) and Cove Rangers

What about five for this time? How about these?

1. Who am I?

Here’s an oldie.

I was born in Westhoughton, Lancashire in 1944. A striker, I began my senior career in 1959 at Bolton Wanderers before moving to Manchester City. I ended my career at Derby County. I was also capped for England 27 times. Outside of football, I founded a paper recycling company.

2. Which Wolverhampton Wanderers player was capped 105 times?

3. Southampton are not scoring many goals this season, are they, but who has scored the most goals for the Saints with 228?

4. Which club links Luther Blisset, Ray Wilkins, Mark Hateley, David Beckham, Fikayo Tomorie and Kyle Walker.

5. Which club plays its home games at Stark’s Park? I’ve no idea who or what a Stark is.

There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).  Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. We have now smashed through the 80 thousand barrier. Yay! The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...

£83,962

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. S. Lee who provides this week’s finishing item. Stewart Lee has been one of my favourite comedians for a long time. I first went to see him live 28 years ago.  But he is an acquired taste.  Here, he explains why not everyone appreciates his humour.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.