Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
You are no doubt wondering why there has been no edition of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog of late; or of early, for that matter. I have been kept busy with other things such as one wedding and a funeral. Other than those, I have doing a lot of bits and bobs, odds and sods. Probably more bits and odds than sods and bobs, though. Talking of odds, I think Mrs G deserves a special mention. She always likes a wee flutter on the Grand National. Fine. So do millions of other once-a-year gamblers. She sometimes wins. Sadly, on this occasion, she won fu... nothing. Also sadly, she used the online account meant for our weekly (weakly?) gramble. Wiped it out, she did. I’m a bit miffed about that. Cost me eight quid!
Anyway, as this is being posted midweek, I’ll avoid any predictions and, as a special treat, provide you with two story times. [That’s not a treat; that’s torture. - Ed.] Would you like that? Are you sitting comfortably? Then, I’ll begin...
Story Time 1
After my cheese story... The cheese story. You remember it. You do. The one about the guy stealing 22 tonnes of cheese. You must remember it. It was only a few months ago. You know the one. No? Never mind. Any road up, it was the story I have since dubbed the great cheese heist of 2024. [Shouldn't, heh heh, that be, heh heh, the grate cheese heist of 2024? Do you see what I did there? - Ed.] Ahem...I thought I would look for other interesting news headlines. What about this one?
Prolific shoplifter banned from wearing wigs
Once again, it made me wonder what the blibbing...
Okay, I'm guessing that said shoplifter... Shoplifter, it's an interesting word, isn't it? Why shoplifter? Nobody can actually lift a shop. The lifting part refers to the goods they help themselves to. Yes? So if they were to steal, say, a shirt, they might be known as a shirtli... Maybe not. Any road up, I digress. I'm surmising that the thief was known as somebody who would don disguises as they went about their nefarious (That's a good word. Wonder what it means.) business.
My question is this: How on earth can the polis enforce the ruling that the wig-wearing ne'er-do-well must become a non-wig-wearing ne'er do thingy? Surely, the very reason the crook dons a wig in the first place is to disguise his or her appearance. So, answer me this, how is a disguised criminal going to be recognised?
'Yes officer, I am indeed wearing a wig. What? You think I'm that shoplifter who got banned from wearing wigs? How can I be? I'm wearing a wig. They aren't allowed to, so I'm obviously not them. What? Why have I got ten kilograms of cheese in my bag? I like cheese... a lot. Receipt? I don't actually have one. You see, believe it or believe it not, it fell off the back of a lorry. I can get you some if you like... I know a bloke who's got tons of the stuff.'
Then again, any criminal who is worth their salt can adopt a far better disguise these days. The face mask. There are still people out there who don't like to venture out without a face mask. [Like Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th. - Ed.] No, not like him. I'm talking about people wearing protective masks. Obviously, they still worry about contracting covid (the well-known virus from off of the pandemic) and are doing their best to avoid picking up any germs. Admittedly, there aren't many still wearing such masks, but there are enough out there for nobody to think twice about it. Nowadays, we tend to simply dismiss them as being a bit eccentric or even cowardly. Whatever we think, such a disguise would go pretty much unnoticed; perfect for any budding thieves out there.
Not that I'm advocating any such thing but, if you are considering a life of crime, it's an option... Just remember, it wasn't me that gave you the advice. Okay?
By the way, can I interest you in some cheese?
Story Time 2
I will begin this tale by asking if you have ever read Douglas Adams' Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy books. It was a trilogy... of five books. I can't remember which book it was that contained the gem relating to a film which won an award for the most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a screenplay. No matter, but it does, obliquely, tie in with this week's topic.
Incidentally, that line in the book had to be censored for the US edition. Instead of the word f*ck, Adams put in the word Belgium, which is arguably funnier.
Any road up, this week's topic concerns the proliferation (That's a good word. I’m full of them this week.) of adverts and products that use words closely related to the ‘f word’ in all its forms. However do you mean, I hear you ask?
The first instance worth mentioning is the clothing company FCUK. Those initials, they claim, stand for 'French Connection United Kingdom'. Aye, sure they do.
Their products are probably popular with children who think they are being incredibly risqué by wearing them and adults with a very childish sense of humour. Oh, how we laughed.
Twas ever so. When I was a teenager, I thought it funny that I had a sweatshirt with the word 'bullshirt' embroidered on it. The writing was very small, so that, from a distance, it might have been mistaken for another word. Oh, how we laughed.
Then, there is the restaurant chain with the name TFI Friday. Again, the claim is that the F stands for some innocent word such as flip, but really, the actual word is pretty obvious. Oh, how we laughed.
A cinema ad years ago for an American lager, featured a Yank wearing a rather fetching fur hat. The script had him saying that he was filming in some obscure location, and that he couldn't work out the director's instruction that he should wear the fox hat. Oh, how we laughed.
There is an advert on TV currently that extols the virtues of a particular holiday company. In it, those that use the company are described as smart bookers... or is it clever bookers. Again, it is obvious what word is implied by the word booker. It is also voiced by Paddy McGuinness, so it is perhaps no surprise that it is almost exactly the complete opposite of subtle. Oh how... etc.
Even in those bastions of sense and sensibility, hospitals, I have spotted the f word substitute cropping up. I have seen a poster trying to point out the dangers of diabetes in young people. The suggestion is that they stop drinking sugary drinks. Very sensible. How do they get this laudable message across? An image of a generic drink carton with the words 'Just duk it'. Come on; who are you kidding? Unless I'm missing some diabetes in joke here. If I am, I apologise. To me, it is just further proof that our language is regressing rather that progressing.
What has sparked this rant regarding the deterioration of the English language and the acceptance of swearing as if it doesn't matter. [Actually, does it? They are only words, after all. - Ed.] True, but some of us grew up when such words were definitely not used in polite conversation. Swearing was seen as having a poor vocabulary. Nowadays, swearing is everywhere. Okay, maybe I can accept that, but one place I don't think it is appropriate is on children's television and programmes for under fives at that. Surely not, I hear you protest. Surely so, I answer.
There is an animated series aimed at pre-school-aged kids called Hey Duggie. Very popular it is, too. Quite often, the programme features a jolly singalong song that little uns can... erm... sing along to. I recommend The Stick Song.
Sometimes, a classic nursery song is given a makeover to make it sound a bit more modern. One such is every kid's favourite, Five Little Ducks. You know the one. You do. Don't pretend you don't. It goes... Five little ducks went swimming one day, over the hills and far away, mother duck went quack quack quack quack and only four little ducks came back... and so it goes on until no little ducks come back, by which time mother duck has probably been reported to the authorities for negligence. Luckily, it all ends well, with all five little ducks returning safely. [Thank goodness for that; I was getting really worried there. - Ed.]
So, let's get back to the Hey Duggie version. First off, it is sung or, rather, spoken in the style of Boris Johnson. That, in itself, is amusing to adults, although pre-fives wouldn't understand the joke. Actually, it may well be Boris himself doing the voice-over; we know how much he rates children's TV programmes. Peppa Pig seems to be a favourite of his. And he probably would do anything for money so, yes, it could be him. [I should point out that Boris would absolutely, definitely, categorically not do anything for money... so please don't sue us. - Ed.]
Anyhow, I mentioned that this particular nursery rhyme had been given a modern makeover. While Boris (soundalike) is reading the standard words, there is a background chorus of 'Where are the ducks at.' That doesn't look too problematic when it is written down, but listen to it and you'll understand the reason for my disapproval.
Five Little Ducks Song | Duggee Nursery Rhymes | Hey Duggee - YouTube
Shocked and stunned I am.
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Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 29th of March? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
Selwyn Edge 1868 - Car racey/recordy bloke.
Edwin Lutyens 1869 - Architect.
Mabel Constanduros 1880 - Actress and writer. An early British radio star.
William Walton 1902 - Prolific composer. Here’s your first clip of the week, his patriotic score for the equally patriotic wartime film First of the Few.
Arthur Negus 1903 - He was the first of the many TV antiques experts. His TV career started at the age of 62 when he was on the panel of the antiques programme Going for a Song.
Jack Jones 1913 - Trade Union leader.
Chapman Pincher 1914 - Journalist, historian and novelist. He lived to be 100.
George Chisholm 1915 - Musician. Have a little clip. West End Blues.
Geoff Duke 1923 - Motorbike racery bloke.
Reg Gutteridge 1924 - Boxing commentator. [What does that entail? ‘He’s hit him. He’s hit him again. He’s hit him back.’ - Ed.]
Philip Locke 1928 - Actor. Vargas in Thunderball.
Norman Tebbit 1931 - Politician. I wonder if he can still ride his bike.
Terry Lawless 1933 - Boxing trainer.
Ruby Murray 1935 - Singer. A clip? Why not. Here’s her number one record, Softly Softly. [I could fair go a tikka masala. - Ed.]
Richard Rodney Bennett 1936 - Composer. Here’s one of his film scores; see if you recognise it.
Richard Sarstedt aka Eden Kane 1940 - Singer. Have another clip. Here’s Forget Me Not.
Julie Goodyear 1942 - Actress. Bet Lynch in Coronation Street.
Eric Idle 1943 - Comedian. Member of ‘The Pythons’.
John Major 1943 - Politician.
John Suchet 1944 - Newsreader.
John ‘Speedy’ Keen 1945 - Musician. His greatest success came with his song Something in the Air which he performed as vocalist with Thunderclap Newman. Did you know he also penned this one? Here’s Armenia City in the Sky.
Dave Greenfield 1949 - Musician. Keyboardist with The Stranglers. Have a clip. Here’s his most famous piece, Golden Brown.
Paul Gilbertson 1962 - Musician. Founding member of James. Have a clip. Here’s Chain Mail.
Dom Littlewood 1965 - TV presenter.
Priti Patel 1972 - Politician.
What about the 5th of April? Anyone famous born on that date? Of course there were...
Joseph Lister 1827 - Surgeon.
Harry Daft 1866 - Crickety bloke. I’ve never heard of him, but what a name.
Chesney Allen 1894 - Entertainer. Became famous as half of Flanagan and Allen and being part of a popular comedy troupe known as ‘The Crazy Gang’. He and Bud Flanagan sang a few songs which were incredibly popular in their day. Here’s a recording from 1939, The Umbrella Man.
John Le Mesurier 1912 - Jobbing actor. His most famous role was as Sgt. Wilson in Dad’s Army. 241 credits on IMDb.
Arthur Hailey 1920 - Orfer. Airport: that was one of his.
Tom Finney 1922 - Footy bloke.
Michael Bryant 1928 - Actor. Cdr. George Marsh in Colditz.
Nigel Hawthorne 1929 - Actor. Sir Humphrey Appleby in Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister.
Joe Meek 1929 - Record producer. Famously recorded in a studio of his small flat which provided a unique sound. He wrote and produced this tune which reached number one in both the UK and the good ol’ U S of A, Telstar.
Peter Grant 1935 - Music producer who managed the Yardbirds, Led Zeppelin and Bad Company among others.
Robin Smith 1939 - Who? He used the stage name Crispian St. Peters. [Pretentious? Moi? - Ed.] Have a clip. Here’s Pied Piper.
Dave Swarbrick 1941 - Musician. A bit of Fairport Convention. Here he is fiddling away on Lark in the Morning.
Peter Greenaway 1942 - Film producer. The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover was one of his.
Allan Clark 1942 - Singer and songwriter. A Holly. Would you like a clip? Of course you would. Here’s Carrie Anne.
Tommy Smith 1945 - Footy bloke.
Jane Asher 1946 - Actress, author and cake maker. First sampled fame when she was Paul McCartney’s bird back in the sixties.
Russell Davies 1946 - Journalist and broadcaster.
Dave Holland 1948 - Drummer. A bit of Judas Priest. Let’s have another clip. Here’s Breaking the Law.
Les Binks 1948 - Drummer. A bit of Judas Priest before Dave Holland. Evidently, all drummers had to be born on the same day.
Roy McFarland 1948 - Footy bloke. He was playing in the very first game I ever went to. Yes, I am that old.
Everett Morton 1950 - Drummer. A bit of The Beat. Here’s the band’s first hit, Tears of a Clown.
Anthony Horowitz 1955 - Orfer. Created the boy spy, Alex Rider.
Janice Long 1955 - Broadcaster.
Ian Redford 1960 - Fitba guy.
Richard Gough 1962 - Fitba guy or should that be fotbollsspelare?
Stewart Lee 1968 - Comedian.
Krishnan Guru-Murthy 1970 - Journalist and presenter.
Victoria Hamilton 1971 - Actress. Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother in The Crown.
Jason Done 1973 - Actor. Tom Clarkson in Waterloo Road.
John Hartson 1975 - pêl-droediwr
Dwain Chambers 1978 - Athleticky bloke.
Lily James 1989 - Actress. Lady Rose Aldridge in Downton Abbey.
And now, please welcome those famous folk born on the 12th of April.
Agnes Brown 1866 - Suffragist.
William ‘Fatty’ Foulke 1874 - Footy bloke from pre-politically correct times.
Cecil Kimber 1888 - Motor engineer and founder of the MG car company.
Eddie Turnbull 1923 - Fitba guy.
Oliver Postgate 1925 - Animator.
Elspet Gray 1929 - Actress. Gertrude, Queen of Flanders in The Blackadder.
John Beerling 1937 - Radio producer and station controller.
Alan Ayckbourn 1939 - Playwright and director.
Bobby Moore 1941 - Footy bloke.
Bill Bryden 1942 - Playwright, director and screenwriter.
Liz Gebhardt 1945 - Actress. Maureen Bullock in Please Sir! and The Fenn Street Gang.
George Robertson 1946 - Politician.
Jeremy Beadle 1948 - Prankster or pain in the a***, take your pick.
Tony James 1953 - Musician. Bassist with Generation X before forming Sigue Sigue Sputnik. Have a bit of rockabilly electronica... or whatever it was classified as. Here’s Love Missile F1 11.
Tony Dunn 1957 - Actor. Tony in Dinnerladies.
Will Sergeant 1958 - Musician. A Bunnyman. Have a clip. Here’s Nothing Lasts Forever.
Jan Pearson 1959 - Actress. Karen Hollins in Doctors.
Chris Fairclough 1964 - Footy bloke.
Sean Welch 1965 - Musician. Bassist for The Beautiful South. Here’s a track that didn’t do as well as some, Let Love Speak Up Itself.
Guy Berryman 1978 - Musician. A bit of Coldplay...ing the bass. A clip? Why not. Here’s Humankind.
Paul Nicholls 1979 - Actor. Steve Bell in Ackley Bridge.
Gary Caldwell 1982 - Fitba guy.
Phoebe Thomas 1983 - Actress. Maria Kendall in Holby City.
Mark Hoyle aka LadBaby 1987 - Youtuber, blogger and (it says here) musician. He seems to have a sausage roll fixation judging by his run of number one Christmas singles. Which shall we have? Let’s have the original, We Built This City... on Sausage Rolls.
Steven Lawless 1991 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.
Jordan Archer 1993 - Footy bloke. Ex-Motherwell, you know.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Will Sergramble,
It was wonderful to hear a song by you and the other Bunnymen, not forgetting Echo, of course. We both enjoyed it very much. Here’s a question for you. What was the Doors song that you covered for a film soundtrack?
Yours oddly,
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Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Wembley in 1995. A winger, I began my senior career at Norwich City and was loaned out to Swindon Town, Southend United, Blackpool, Scunthorpe United, Colchester United and Coventry City. In 2017 I was transferred to Newcastle United and again was loaned out to other clubs; this time West Bromwich Albion and Sheffield Wednesday. I now play in the Newcastle first team, clocking up 175 games so far. I have a twin brother who plays football for Portsmouth.
Answer - Jacob Murphy
2. Who is the only ‘Albanian’ to currently play in the Premier League?
Answer - Armando Broja. I put Albania in inverted commas because he was actually born in Slough.
3. Which player has made the most appearances for Aston Villa?
Answer - Charlie Aitken
4. Which Canadian has made the most Premier League appearances?
Answer - Tomasz Radzinski (194)
5. Name all the teams in the English and Scottish senior leagues with the word ‘Rangers’ in their name.
Answer - There are three: Queens Park Rangers, the Teddy Bears (Rangers) and Cove Rangers
What about five for this time? How about these?
1. Who am I?
Here’s an oldie.
I was born in Westhoughton, Lancashire in 1944. A striker, I began my senior career in 1959 at Bolton Wanderers before moving to Manchester City. I ended my career at Derby County. I was also capped for England 27 times. Outside of football, I founded a paper recycling company.
2. Which Wolverhampton Wanderers player was capped 105 times?
3. Southampton are not scoring many goals this season, are they, but who has scored the most goals for the Saints with 228?
4. Which club links Luther Blisset, Ray Wilkins, Mark Hateley, David Beckham, Fikayo Tomorie and Kyle Walker.
5. Which club plays its home games at Stark’s Park? I’ve no idea who or what a Stark is.
There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
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Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK
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Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s). Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. We have now smashed through the 80 thousand barrier. Yay! The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...
£83,962
…..oooOooo…..
And Finally...
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. S. Lee who provides this week’s finishing item. Stewart Lee has been one of my favourite comedians for a long time. I first went to see him live 28 years ago. But he is an acquired taste. Here, he explains why not everyone appreciates his humour.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
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