Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Story time...
Do you own a car? If so, does it have remote locking? By that, I mean, can you unlock your car by simply pressing a button on the key fob? Quite a useful feature you might think.
Moving on, do you start the engine without having to use the key? In other words, as long as the key is in the car, you simply press a button on the dashboard. There's an interesting word - dashboard. What has that got to do with motoring, I hear you ask. I'll tell you. Nothing. Instead, it is a word from the days of horse-drawn carts and buggies. There was a wooden board in front of the driver, which prevented stones or gravel from being 'dashed up' into the cart. See? Educational this is. Mind you, that still doesn't explain why the word got adopted for cars, although early cars were built like horse-drawn buggies, so the dashboard was still there.
Any road up, back to the plot. Why? [Why what? - Ed.] I have a car with keyless ignition. Why do we need it? To me it is more trouble than it is worth. How do you mean, I hear you ask. Think about it. If you use a key to start the car, you know where the key is. It is in a keyhole on the dashboard. [You don't say. - Ed.] It is the starter. A twist of the key and the engine roars into life. Simple. No separate button is needed. When you want to leave the car, you simply turn the key the opposite way, the engine stops, you remove the key, get out and lock the car. [Riiight. With you so far. - Ed]
However, with the keyless ignition, you have to put the key somewhere. [And your point is? Just stick it in a pocket. - Ed.] Exactly. Stick it in a pocket. What if the pocket you put it in has other things in it, such as other keys, hankies, money and any manner of rubbish? (That's assuming you've remembered which pocket you put the blibbing thing in, in the first place.) When you get out of the car, you've got to find the damn thing. It can take ages to find the right key so that you can lock the car. Fine on a dry day; not so fine if the rain is pishing it down and it's blowing a hoolie.
So my question to those people who design cars, why do you think it is necessary to foist clever gizmos onto us drivers who simply want to... erm... drive?
Don't get me started on those dirty great touch-screen computers that are there to be used to control functions on a car.
We can be stopped and fined for using mobile phones in cars because they are a distraction. Excuse me, I think that those screens are a far greater distraction than any mobile phone. Yet car makers continue to provide us drivers with that as the only means of operating controls such as heating.
Do you know why car manufacturers persevere with computer screens rather than physical pushbuttons? Cheapness. Seriously. It is cheaper to have an electrical line from the various functions to a single control point than to have individual lines to several switches and buttons. It makes economic sense to the manufacturer, but is not very practical for the end user: me; the driver.
It is made even worse in places like here in the Yuk and Japan or Malta where road users drive on the left. The touch-screen computer is positioned on the centre of the dashboard. [And? - Ed] And ninety per cent of drivers are right-handed, but they have to operate the thing with their left hand. Not easy, I can tell you. Mind you, south paws are probably laughing up their sleeves because, for the first time ever, something favours them rather than right handers.
When I first learned to drive, some time back in the last century, cars were simpler affairs. There were no computers or clever screens to operate; everything worked by a simple flip of a switch or by moving a slider from side to side. Having said that, they were forever breaking down, so the engine management computer was a real improvement. But why do we need anything more in a car? Satellite navigation is useful, true, but we managed with good old-fashioned map books and something called common sense before sat nav became more or less standard in cars, so it isn't something that might be termed a necessity.
Parking sensors are now fitted to most cars but, again, they are not a necessity. We used to judge parking by using mirrors and actually looking out of the car windows.
If the reason for removing physical switches is cost, why do we get so many other totally useless gizmos fitted? How do you mean, I hear you ask. [You seem to be hearing a lot of voices today. I can't hear a thing. - Ed.] Can anyone tell me why my last car was fitted with 'mood lighting'? Sorry pardon excuse me what? Yes, mood lighting which was a very slim strip of leds running along the top of the doors and along the dashboard. It could change to any random colour. What a waste of time and money. Worse was the light that shone from the door handle to spell out the make of the car on the road when you opened the door. Why? Did they think I might forget what make of car I was driving? Oh no! That would be awful. [You are being sarcastic, aren't you? - Ed.] I am indeed. What a complete waste of money.
Do we need automatic lights and automatic wipers? Don't stop me now, I'm on a roll. I'm perfectly capable of switching them on myself when they are needed.
Air conditioning. There's another waste. If I get too warm, I can open the blibbing window.
Here's my message to car designers and manufacturers. Keep it simple. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. [You what? - Ed.] Let's take it to extremes... Just because somebody can make nuclear bombs doesn't mean they should. Get my drift? [Think so. - Ed.]
I'm still waiting for that heated windscreen to be standardised. Maybe they don't put it into cars because it is something that drivers might actually fn well want.
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Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 19th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
Herbert Wilcox 1890 - Film producer and director. Sixty Glorious Years, that was one of his. Starred his missus, Anna Neagle.
Alan Wheatley 1907 - Actor. Sheriff of Nottingham in 81 episodes of The Adventures of Robin Hood.
William Moore 1916 - Actor. Mr Lumsden in 39 episodes of Sorry!
Alexis Korner 1928 - Musician. He was sometimes called ‘a founding father of British blues’. Let’s have a clip from his musical combo The Collective Consciousness Society or CCS as they were less pretentiously known. The band’s most famous work was an instrumental version of Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love which was used as the theme music for Top of the Pops. But you don’t want to hear that. Let’s have something different. Here’s Brother
Garfield Morgan 1931 - Actor. Haskins in 45 episodes of The Sweeney. 146 credits on IMDb.
Harold ‘Dickie’ Bird 1933 - Cricketty umpire bloke.
Dudley Moore 1935 - Comedian, musician and actor. Arthur in... erm... Arthur. Let’s have a musical/comedy clip from a very talented musician.
Dougal Haston 1940 - Mountaineer.
Michel Roux 1941 - Cook.
Alan Price 1942 - Musician. Began as keyboardist and arranger with the Animals, before forming his own band, The Alan Price Set, going it alone and also working as part of a duo with Georgie Fame. Here’s a hit from the that pairing, Rosetta.
Eve Graham 1943 - Singer. Part of the New Seekers. Here’s the group’s first single, Meet My Lord.
Margo MacDonald 1943 - Politician.
Tim Curry 1946 - Actor. Famously featured as faintly feminine Frank-N-Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He also had a go as a singer. Would you like a clip? Here’s Read My Lips. Hmm..
Susie Blake 1950 - Actress. Hilary Nicholson in Mrs Brown’s Boys.
Trevor Francis 1954 - Footy bloke.
Sue Barker 1956 - Tennisy bloke.
Mark Greenstreet 1960 - Mike Hardy in 23 episodes of Trainer.
Gordon Marshall 1964 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know. A goalie.
Perry Groves 1965 - Footy bloke.
Mike Stowell 1965 - Footy bloke. Another goalie.
Kelly Holmes 1970 - Athleticky bloke.
Gok Wan 1974 - TV presenter.
Sarah Price 1979 - Swimmy bloke.
Victoria Yeates 1983 - Actress. Sister Winifred in 46 episodes of Call the Midwife.
Joe Hart 1987 - Footy bloke. Yet another goalie.
Nick Pope 1992 - Footy bloke. Not the actual pope. Another goalie? What the blibbing flip is going on?
Sebastian de Souza 1993 - Actor. Leo Veronsky in The Great.
Now then, what about the 26th of April? What famous individuals came into the world on that date?
Roy Redgrave 1873 - Actor. The originator of what has become something of an acting dynasty. He was the father of Michael who begat (There’s an old-fashioned word. You don’t hear of beget and begat these days.) Vanessa, Corin and Lynn. Vanessa was mum to actresses Natasha and Joely Richardson and film screenwriter, director and producer Carlo Nero. Natasha was mum to Micheál (Yes, that is spelt correctly.) Richardson. Joely is mum to Daisy Bevan. Corin was dad to Jemma Redgrave. A lot of begetting going on there.
Alliott Verdon Roe 1877 - Aviation pioneer and founder of the Avro company.
Eric Campbell 1879 - Actor. Often played the intimidating bully in early Charlie Chaplin films. Though he appeared in 11 such films, his movie career lasted barely a year as he was killed in a car crash aged just 38.
John Grierson 1898 - film maker. Known as the father of documentary films. I’m going to give you a couple of links here. One is a clip from a famous film he made in 1936. The ‘verse commentary’ was written by W. H. Auden and the score was composed by Benjamin Britten. Here’s (some of) Night Mail. I mentioned a couple of clips, didn’t I? The commentary has been used in more recent times by Public Service Broadcasting, a band I rather enjoy. Please enjoy Night Mail.
Jimmy McGrory 1904 - Fitba guy.
Charlie Chester 1914 - Comedian it says here.
Ken Wallis 1916 - Autogyro expert.
David Coleman 1926 - Sports commentator.
Derek Waring 1927 - Actor. D.I. Neil Goss in 215 episodes of Z-Cars.
Jack Douglas 1927 - Comedian it says here.
Pat Quinn 1936 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.
Willie Wood 1938 - Booly guy.
Ralph Coates 1946 - Footy bloke.
Lois Baxter 1947 - Actress. Lady Caroline in When the Boat Comes In.
Warren Clarke 1947 - Actor. Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel in 61 episodes Dalziel and Pascoe.
Charlotte Cornwell 1949 - Actress. Liz in Dressing for Breakfast.
Roger Taylor 1960 - Musician. Drummy bloke with Duran Duran. Time for another clip. Enjoy one of the weirdest (and probably expensive to make) promotional music videos ever made - The Wild Boys.
Susannah Harker 1965 - Actress. Jo Franklyn in Chancer.
Daniela Nardini 1968 - Actress. Anna Forbes in 32 episodes of This Life.
Gregor Townsend 1973 - Rugby guy.
Jamie McAllister 1978 - Fitba guy.
Dougie Ramsay 1979 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.
Pete Firman 1980 - Comedian/magician.
Niomi McLean-Daley aka Ms. Dynamite 1981 - Singer/rapper. Another clip? Most deferably. Here’s It Takes More.
Jon Lee 1982 - Singer and actor. Part of S Club (7). Let’s have another clip. Here’s a jolly toon Bring It All Back.
Ricky Norwood 1983 - Actor. Arthur Chubb in 452 episodes of Eastenders you slaaag!
Anya Taylor-Joy 1996 - Actress. Beth Harman in The Queen’s Gambit.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Eve Gramblham,
It was so nice to hear a song from your little singing group the New Sneakers. I wonder, did you ever sing a song that could be suggestive of somebody’s name?
Yours exploringly,
.....oooOooo.....
Gramble time...
Since there was no bet last time out, there is nothing to report, so let’s crack on with this week’s predictions from The Grambler...
Game - Result - Odds
Preston North End vs Plymouth Argyle - Home win - 5/6
Crawley Town vs Northampton Town - Home win - Evens
Burton Albion vs Cambridge Utd. - Home win - 17/20
Stockport County vs Lincoln City - Home win - 5/6
Queen of the South vs Stenhousemuir - Home win - 19/20
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
£12.02
As whoppingness goes, that’s fairly whopping, I think you’ll agree.
.....oooOooo.....
Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Westhoughton, Lancashire in 1944. A striker, I began my senior career in 1959 at Bolton Wanderers before moving to Manchester City. I ended my career at Derby County. I was also capped for England 27 times. Outside of football, I founded a paper recycling company.
Answer - Francis Lee
2. Which Wolverhampton Wanderers player was capped 105 times?
Answer - Billy Wright
3. Southampton are not scoring many goals this season, are they, but who has scored the most goals for the Saints with 228?
Answer - Mick Channon with 228
4. Which club links Luther Blisset, Ray Wilkins, Mark Hateley, David Beckham, Fikayo Tomorie and Kyle Walker.
Answer - They all won England caps while at AC Milan.
5. Which club plays its home games at Stark’s Park?
Answer - Raith Rovers
How did you get on? Too easy? Okay, try these...
1. Who am I?
I was born in Lodi, Italy in 2000. A midfielder, I began my senior career at Brescia before moving to AC Milan, initially on loan. I moved to my current club, Newcastle United in 2023 for a fee reported to be around 70 million Euros. I have been capped for Italy 23 times.
2. Which player scored the most goals in Merseyside derbies? [Is that Everton vs Liverpool? - Ed.] Yes. [Just asking on behalf of the millions of readers out there. - Ed.]
3. Which club links Alan Curbishley, Gianfranco Zola, Avram Grant, Sam Allardyce, David Moyes, Manuel Pellegrini and Julien Lopetegui?
4. Which club has been beaten in major European Finals by Valencia, Real Zaragoza, Galatasaray, Barcelona and Chelsea?
5. Which club plays its home games at the SMISA Stadium?
There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
.....oooOooo.....
Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK
.....oooOooo.....
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s). Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. We have now smashed through the 80 thousand barrier. Yay! The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...
£83,962
…..oooOooo…..
And Finally...
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. D. Moore. Not only him, but also a Mr. P. Cook who also helps out with this week’s finishing item.
I always saw Pete and Dud, as they were affectionately known, as the original Fry and Laurie. How so, I hear you ask. Well, all four found early fame as duos. In each case the dominant member, Peter Cook and Stephen Fry, found early fame as a solo ‘turn’. The other members’ careers... Dudley Moore and Hugh Laurie (both gifted musicians, incidentally)... seemed to languish a little before they both became mega stars in the good ol’ U S of A, Dudley Moore starring in Arthur and Hugh Laurie in House. During Moore and Laurie’s success years Cook and Fry’s own careers wobbled a bit before they both became ‘national treasures’ in the world of luvviedom.
And so to our finishing item... Unfortunately, most of the footage of Pete and Dud’s BBC series Not Only But Also has been lost. Apparently video tape was so expensive in the 1960s that it was deemed to be more economical to erase such gems and reuse the tapes. A great shame. Thankfully, a few snippets remain and I suspect that the piece that follows may have been an early example of home taping. Huzzah for that. So, without further ado, now is the time to say Goodbye.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
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