The Grambler

Saturday, 23 April 2016

Week 38 - The Grambler salutes Victoria Wood

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

I have just received a real shock. Victoria Wood has died. What is happening? This year we are losing so many of our top people in the entertainment world. Bowie, Wogan, Rickman, Corbett, Daniels. Now Victoria Wood has gone as well.

I have always been an admirer of Victoria Wood. I thought her observational comedy and sketch show stuff was brilliant. Her ‘Audience with’ programmes were always great value. However, when she performed as an actor, she was... well... a bit wooden. Or is that being unfair to trees?

I used to watch her sitcom, Dinner Ladies. It was well-written and the ensemble cast were all excellent. Except for one. Victoria Wood, herself, spoiled the show for me. All the characters in the programme had flaws and foibles which made you laugh. However, Wood’s character seemed to be there as the straight man. If she was meant to be funny, it didn’t work. Not for me, anyway. Victoria Wood always seemed to provide the best lines for the others in her ensemble.

Pat and Margaret, another of her forays into acting, was another example. Wood as Margaret was just a bit dull, but there were some terrific lines spoken by some of the other characters. Margaret had a boyfriend (played by one her regular players, Duncan Preston) who had problems with spelling. His mother, played by Thora Hird, seemed to have the best lines...

‘You see, they didn’t have dyslexia in them days. You were just sat at the back with raffia.’

When she found out that her son had been using her bed to have sex with Margaret, Thora uttered indignantly, ‘Not on my eiderdown!’ That doesn’t look funny written down but, when Thora said it, it was hilarious.

Woods’ very best work, though, was the sketch series As Seen on TV. It always opened with a bit of standup in front of the audience which was followed by various sketches plus the regular visits to Acorn Antiques (Or Antiqes as it said in the window of this fictitious shop.) and always finished with a brilliant spoof documentary. Acorn Antiques was a clever piss-take on ATV’s Crossroads programme of the 1960s. That programme was known for its wobbly scenery and equally wobbly acting. Victoria Wood just took it to new heights, or should that be depths? I always loved the poor continuity. One part I recall had a long-haired Duncan Preston approaching the shop. The scene then cut to an interior scene of him entering - sporting short hair. Another section of the show that I enjoyed were the links provided by a thoroughly peed off continuity announcer played by Susie Blake...

‘We would like to apologise to viewers in the North. It must be awful for you.’

As always, Wood always left the best comedy lines for others and a particular gem was the occasional appearance of Patricia Routledge as ‘Kitty’ a gossipy woman who simply did a talk to camera about her experiences. The character bore an uncanny resemblance to a later creation of Roy Clark’s, namely, Hyacinth Bucket. I always thought that Clark must have seen those Kitty portrayals and thought, ‘Aye aye, there’s some mileage to be had from that character.’

But there are a couple of standout moments in the show that belong to Victoria Wood alone. One was where she played a rather simple waitress in a cafe/restaurant. Two businessmen are completing their meal as Wood approaches with the desserts trolley... Click here to watch it. For years after that sketch was shown I heard people in restaurants saying ‘Is it on the trolley?’ It was like the ‘Don’t tell him Pike’ moment from Dad’s Army or the Two Ronnies four candles/fork handles sketch; people just latched onto it and it became a go to catchphrase whenever food was being chosen.

However, the best comedy moment was one of Victoria Wood’s songs. I am sure, she would have been the first to admit that she was not a great singer, but when she produced a song like this, who cares? Ladeez and gennulum, please appreciate The Ballad of Barry and Freda

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A couple of footy stories this week. A Certain football manager has been given his jotters. Bonnie Tyler has as-good-as won the league title with his club, Celtic, but that isn’t good enough, apparently, and he is getting the old heave ho. That just sums up the mentality of those associated with Celtic (and, yes, Rangers too). There is an expectation of winning. While winning the league title this season, they have not done it convincingly enough. And they also haven’t won any cup competitions. To Celtic people, that is just unacceptable. Never does it occur to them that perhaps the teams that have managed to beat them might have improved. No, Celtic being beaten at all must mean that Celtic are useless. What is the answer? Sack the manager.

Did you see Jamie Vardy’s Tom Daley impression last weekend? He was given a second yellow and his marching orders for what footy folk like to call simulation. Not only that, but his angry reaction to being sent off could mean a lengthy ban. Oh dear. I’m on Vardy’s side. In Vardy’s mind there was contact and he fell to ground. That should have resulted in a booking for the West Ham player and a penalty for Leicester. Unfortunately for Vardy, he rather milked the situation and his dive looked just a tad theatrical. I could understand his annoyance at being carded, though. A sensible referee would have simply signalled a goal kick and left it at that. I’m wondering if he had a bet on second-placed Tottenham and was trying to put a spanner in the works to spoil Leicester’s chance of winning the league title. What do you reckon? Two players getting their legs tangled or a blatant dive? Click here.

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Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 23rdof April? As a certain former Liverpool, Blackburn, Newcastle and Celtic manager might say... mibbes aye, mibbes naw. Sergei Prokofiev 1891 (He didn’t know it at the time, but he wrote the theme for The Apprentice.), Vladimir Nabokov 1899 (He did write more books than that one.), Shirley Temple 1928 (All together now... On the good ship lollipop...), Roy Orbison 1936 (A travelling Wilbury.), Harvey Lee Yeary 1939 (Who? Oh, Lee Majors. the £4,905,184 man at today’s exchange rate.), Ed Stewart 1941 (Known as Stewpot to his fans. Jimmy Osmond - aged 9 - called him Stinkpot.), Sandra Dee 1942 (Look at me.), Bernadette Devlin McAlliskey 1947 (Was the youngest-ever female MP when she was elected in 1969 aged 21.), Glenn Cornick 1947 (Bass player with Jethro Tull. For a sample of his work click here. Ignore the bloke on the flute.), Tessa Wyatt 1948 (Tony Blackburn’s ex.), John Miles 1949 (Music is his first love.), Michael Moore 1954 (‘I've always been sort of confused by the trajectory my life has taken. I was supposed to be on an assembly line building Buicks.’), Ray Burns 1954 (Who? Oh, Captain Sensible. All together now... Happy talking talking happy talk...), John Hannah 1962 (Ectaw, dear laddie. Born and brought up in Polomint City, you know.) and Barry Wallace 1979 (Aka Barry Fratelli. Wonder what band he’s in?).

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Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. But not so much as to warrant a yay. We won £1.84, so we really lost 36 pees. Oh dear. All is revealed below, fair reader...

Charlton Athletic vs Derby County - Prediction Away win

Result - Charlton 0 Derby 1

Yay!

Charlton keeper Nick Pope made a fine double save to deny Tom Ince and Chris Martin as Derby edged the first half.

Igor Vetokele hit a post and Jorge Teixeira had a Charlton goal disallowed after the break, before Johnny Russell headed Derby in front.

Crewe Alexandra vs Scunthorpe Utd - Prediction Away win

Result - Crewe 2 Scunthorpe 3

Yay!

Crewe went ahead when Oliver Turton's 25-yard shot dipped over goalkeeper Joe Anyon.

Williams lashed in a right-footed effort to equalise before Hakeeb Adelakun turned in a cross for 2-1.

It was 3-1 when Williams bundled the ball in from close range meaning Marcus Haber's flick was just a consolation.

Doncaster Rovers vs Wigan Athletic - Prediction Away win

Result - Doncaster 3 Wigan 1

Boo!

Will Grigg headed in for Wigan before half-time.

Andy Butler headed in James Coppinger's corner to level, and Butler then fired in a second shortly after.

Wigan midfielder David Perkins was sent off after bringing down Gary McSheffrey in the box late on, and Andy Williams converted the penalty to seal the win.

Walsall vs Southend United - Prediction Home win

Result - Walsall 1 Southend 0

Yay!

Walsall striker Jordy Hiwulla headed an 88th-minute corner against the underside of the bar and, although it was cleared, the assistant referee awarded a goal.

Dan Bentley had earlier made fine saves from Romaine Sawyers, Milan Lalkovic and Hiwula to keep the scores level.

Goalkeeper Neil Etheridge saved Adam Barrett's volley to deny the visitors an injury-time equaliser.

Accrington Stanley vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win

Result - Accrington 2 Stanley 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Shaun Miller evaded four tackles and shot into the far corner for his 15th league goal this season to put the Shrimps in front.

Josh Windass fired home the equaliser before putting Stanley ahead from the spot after Andy Parrish was ruled to have pushed Billy Kee.

But Morecambe earned a point when Tom Barkhuizen went through one-on-one.

Mince or what! Three out of five correct and we still didn’t get our stake money back! Right, come on Grambler, pull your computer equivalent of socks up and try harder. There are 52 games kicking off at 3pm this Saturday the 23^rd of April. Which five did The Grambler randomly select?

Game - Result - Odds

Aston Villa vs Southampton - Prediction Away win - 11/20

Liverpool vs Swansea - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Charlton vs Brighton - Prediction Away win - 8/15

Oldham vs Crewe - Prediction Home win - 8/15

Wigan vs Southend - Prediction Home win - 4/11

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…

£6.11

£6.11? Is that all?

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Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which four West Ham players had scored Premiershit Hat Tricks before Andy Carroll joined the elite club. The answers were Tony Cottee against Man City in 1994, Paul Kitson against Sheffield Wednesday in 1997, Marlon Harewood against Aston Villa in 2005 and Kevin Nolan against Reading in 2013.

One for this week? Which current League One (Third division, in other words.) side has, in the past, been sponsored by car manufacturers Talbot, Peugeot and Subaru? That’s quite an easy one, don’t you think?

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Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

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And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, we haven’t had a dodgy album cover for a while, so here is a rather apt one for this week. It features a gentleman who, to me, looked ridiculous no matter what. I am talking about the late Prince Rogers Nelson aka Prince aka the artist formerly known as Prince aka TAFKAP aka squiggly symbol thing. No matter how daft he looked, it didn’t stop him making wads of dosh. I imagine it was all about courting publicity, anyway. I occasionally liked the music he produced, though. But his album covers? Oh dear. They looked ridiculous when the records were released. Time has not been kind to them. In fact, they are a bit... creepy. Especially this one...

Somebody should have had the nerve to say to him, ‘You look ridiculous. Go and put some clothes on.’

Happy Grambling.

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Week 37 - The Grambler salutes Dennis Skinner, but not Dodgy Dave

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Don’t you just love Dennis Skinner aka ‘the Beast of Bolsover’? He has been a Labour politician since 1970 and, at 84 years old, is still capable of ruffling a few feathers. There have been complaints from both his supporters and detractors for his referring to PM David Cameron as ‘Dodgy Dave’ this week in the House of Commons. Those that dislike him say he is rude and boorish. Those that support him think that he was right to question our esteemed leader’s financial shenanigans and believe Mr Skinner should not have been ejected from the House. Their argument goes that if the Prime Minister can make comments about Jeremy Corbin’s dress sense and choosing what songs he wants to sing along to, then Skinner is justified in calling Cameron Dodgy Dave.

Sadly, that kind of behaviour is not acceptable in Parliament and, while I completely agree with his sentiments, Dennis Skinner should know it. If ever you hear any speechifying from the House of Commons, they may seem like a bunch of big kids with their braying, booing and hear-hearing, but you should also note that they talk of each other as ‘honorable members’ (Stop sniggering at the back.) and old Dennis crossed the line by suggesting the Prime Minister might be a bit dodgy [A bit! - Ed.].

Dennis Skinner is so much better than that, though. He talks from the heart. And he listens to his constituents. Please take the time to watch this video of Dennis Skinner doing what he does best - fighting for the common man. Stay with it to hear the Prime Minister’s reply. Dodgy Dave? Oily Dave, more like.

Actually, if he’d wanted to upset Cameron, Dennis could have been a bit more subtle. He could just have referred to him as ‘Porky’ or made an oinking noise. [I have no idea what you are talking about. - Ed.]

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Let’s stick with finance for our footy stories this week. A lot of them seem to revolve around money; dodgy or otherwise. It seems that Leicester City fans are missing out on being able to see the last home game of the season, the day the club could potentially become Premiershit Champions, because demand for tickets has been so high. Suddenly, people who haven’t bothered to go to other games are managing to get tickets. That, to me, is just shocking. Seriously. Season ticket holders should be given the first option, surely. (Don’t call me Shirley.) A fan who has what is called a ‘membership package’ and has missed only three games all season, is unable to get a ticket for the game? That is just unfair. That is bad enough, but tickets are going on sale on-line priced at upwards of £3000 per pair. Isn’t that terrible? There are reports of tickets being sold for £15000 a pair! Crazy money. So those ‘fans’ who managed to get the tickets that the real fans weren’t able to get, only did so to make a fast buck. Shame on them all!

The next story to catch my eye was the one that leaked details of Neymar’s contract with Barcelona. It reveals that he ‘earns’ £77,000 per week! [Is that all? - Ed.] Not only that, but there is a £153 million buy-out clause! Don’t think that is really necessary; I can’t see there being many offers to buy him after Barca getting bundled out of the UEFA league by turning a 2-1 first leg advantage into a 3-2 loss after the second. Oh how we laughed.

The real crazy-money story, though, concerns Newcastle midfielder Jonjo Shelvey. While Newcastle are in the Premiershit, he is paid £80,000. [What? He gets three grand a week more than Neymar? Who negotiated that deal? Allen Klein? - Ed.] You think that’s bad? If Newcastle get relegated to the Championship, as looks increasingly likely, how much will his wages drop? Zero. He will still get 80 grand a week because someone forgot to put a clause in the contract to reduce his wages if the club were to go down.

Finally (for this section at least), what is it about footballers and tattoos? Here is a picture of the latest ‘tasteful’ tattoo that Liverpool defender Alberto Moreno has spent his hard-earned wages on.

It would appear to be a chimpanzee, wearing a suit, glasses and headphones, holding a gun to his mouth. Discuss.

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Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 16thof April? As Deputy Dawg’s mate Musky used to say - It’s possible. It’s possible. Wilbur Wright 1867 (Orville’s big brother [His brother was a nappy-wearing duck? - Ed.]), Charlie Chaplin 1889 (Liked young ladies - his first wife was only 16 when he married her aged 29. His second wife was also 16. He was 35. His last wife was 18 when he married her at the age of 54.), David Langton 1912 (Lord Bellamy in the original Upstairs Downstairs.), Terence ‘Spike’ Milligan 1918 (Aka Spike Milligna, the well-known typing error.), Barry Nelson 1917 (The first actor to portray James Bond; in a 1954 television adaptation of Casino Royale.), Peter Ustinov 1921 (‘In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.’), Kingsley Amis 1922 (‘If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.’), Henry Mancini 1924 (Trivia: he was reassigned to a band unit in WWII; the original unit he was assigned to was completely wiped out in the Battle of the Bulge.), Joseph Ratzinger 1927 (Who? Known better by his stage name Pope Benedict XVI.), Vince Hill 1932, or 1934, or 1937 depending on source material (Chanter.), Joan Bakewell 1933 (The thinking man’s crumpet.), Robert Stigwood 1934 (Film producer. Forget Saturday Night Fever and Grease, his real tour-de-force was Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. [Do I detect a touch of sarcasm? - Ed.]), Mary O’Brien 1939 (Who? Oh, Dusty Springfield.), Ruth Madoc 1943 (Good morning, campers.), Gerry Rafferty 1947 (A Humblebum and wheel stealer.), Rafael Benitez 1960 (Newcastle United manager... for now.), Jimmy Osmond 1963 (Still credited as being the youngest performer to have a number one in the UK chart. All together now... I’ll be your long-haired liver from Loverpool...), Max Beesley 1971 (Bongo player. Don’t believe me watch this.), Conchita Martinez 1972 (Tennisy bloke.), Fredrik Ljungberg 1977 (Underwear salesman.) and Aaron Lennon 1987 (Footy bloke.).

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Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Yay? Definitely yay. Yes indeedy. We got that £7.02 and more. Two pees more for some reason. So after last week where every prediction from The Grambler was just the wrong side of right, or the right side of wrong, if you prefer, he/she/it got absolutely spot on. For probably only the third time in his/her/its existence. How? All is revealed below, fair reader...

Southampton vs Newcastle - Prediction Home win

Result - Southampton 3 Newcastle 1

Yay!

The Magpies were woeful and conceded in the fourth minute when Shane Long ran past a hapless defence and slotted in.

Graziano Pelle swept home the second just before the break and Victor Wanyama drilled in to make it 3-0 after Pelle's shot was blocked.

Newcastle barely threatened but earned a consolation through Andros Townsend's stunning strike.

Bradford vs Swindon - Prediction Home win

Result - Bradford 1 Swindon 0

Yay!

Billy Clarke headed goalwards after the ball was allowed to bounce and keeper Tyrell Bedford's efforts to keep the ball out were ruled in vain by the linesman.

Swindon's Jermaine Hylton stung the palms of Ben Williams from 20 yards.

Wigan vs Coventry - Prediction Home win

Result - Wigan 1 Coventry 0

Yay!

Coventry made a bright start as Jodi Jones caused problems with his pace and keeper Jussi Jaaskelainen did well to keep out John Fleck's long-range drive.

Wigan raised the tempo after the interval and Will Grigg slotted home from Stephen Warnock's cross.

He had the chance for a second when Conor McAleny was fouled, but Reice Charles-Cook saved his penalty kick.

Crawley vs Oxford - Prediction Away win

Result - Crawley 1 Oxford 5

Yay!

Joe McNerney put the hosts ahead before Chris Maguire equalised with his first league goal for the U's.

Callum O'Dowda's neat finish and Liam Sercombe's looped effort put Oxford in the driving seat.

The visitors secured the win as Maguire smashed home a penalty after he was brought down by Simon Walton before George Waring fired home a fifth.

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Portsmouth - Prediction Away win

Result - Dagenham & Redbridge 1 Portsmouth 4

Yay!

The Daggers took the lead against the run of play on 34 minutes through Ashley Hemmings' looping overhead kick.

But the visitors struck twice in nine second-half minutes through Michael Doyle and a Christian Burgess header.

Sub Gareth Evans headed in a free-kick from Kyle 'Gordon' Bennett, who then sealed victory on 88 minutes after a mazy run.

So, a good week for The Grambler. Can he/she/it get it right two weeks in a row? Of course not, but we can still dream, can’t we?

Game - Result - Odds

Charlton Athletic vs Derby County - Prediction Away win - 3/4

Crewe Alexandra vs Scunthorpe Utd - Prediction Away win - 4/6

Doncaster Rovers vs Wigan Athletic - Prediction Away win - 4/6

Walsall vs Southend United - Prediction Home win - 5/6

Accrington Stanley vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win - 11/20

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…

£8.49

Anything remotely interesting about 849? Well, King Alfred the Great was born in 849. I feel a bit sorry for old Alf. History has not served him well. He was an Anglo-Saxon king who managed to successfully defend his kingdom against the Vikings and was the dominant ruler in the whole of England at the time of his death. Does history note such facts? Well, obviously it does or I wouldn’t be able to tell you these things. However, the one fact that everyone seems to know about King Alfred is that he was left to tend some cakes while they were baking and he let them burn. So we have established that he was a pretty good monarch who probably deserved the sobriquet (That’s a good word; must look it up.) of ‘Great’, but we only know him for being a lousy cook. Sorry Alf.

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Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which three non-English managers have won the UEFA/Europa League Cup with English clubs. They are/were Scot Bill Shankly who won it with Liverpool in 1973, Frenchman Gerard Houlier who also won it with Liverpool in 2001 and birthday boy Rafa Benitez who won it with Chelsea in 2013.

One for this week? Last weekend Andy Carroll became the fifth West Ham Player to score a Premiershit hat trick for the club. Can you name the other four? Try that one down the pub before you resort to Googlie for the answer.

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And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to one of our birthday celebrants, a Mr T. Milligan. Mr Milligan, known to the world as Spike, has many times been hailed as a comedy genius. Monty Python might never have been commissioned were it not for Spike's ‘pioneering’ form of comedy. The Goon Show had everyone tuning in their wirelesses back in the 1950s. In the 1960s Spike moved to television with The World of Beachcomber and thoughout the 1970s he gave us the series Q5 through to Q9. The racist sitcom Curry and Chips is best forgotten; not because of the racist overtones; just because it wasn’t very good. Any road up, for our final link of the week, Mr M gives us his take on a Wagnerian opera from one of his Q shows. Click here. I hope you enjoy it. I always find this particular item hilarious, but then, I do have a weird sense of humour.

Happy Grambling.

Friday, 8 April 2016

Week 36 - The Grambler and the three-legged dog

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

There was a story on the news this week of a military dog which, after losing a leg and suffering chest burns when sniffing out a roadside bomb, has been awarded the animal equivalent of a Victoria Cross. This irks me. Why? First reason: Lucca (for that is her name) would probably not have had her doggy bravery noted if she had not had her leg blown off. Dogs are employed by the military for these sorts of task because of their ability to ‘smell’ whatever they have been trained to sniff out. Agree? It strikes me that Lucca was not very good at her job if she got so close that the bomb she had spotted actually went off. Surely, if she was any good, she should have kept well away from it. Or am I just being cynical? [Yes, you are. - Ed.]

If, however, she had continued in service, sniffing out bombs without getting injured and getting a bonio for being a clever dog, she would have just been retired and nobody would have noted the fact that she had done such a sterling job. Make a mistake and get your leg blown off? Here, have a doggy VC and be on the news.

It’s all a bit daft anyway. Military honours are usually given to humans who at least understand why it is being given and can feel some pride when they receive such recognition. An animal has no understanding of such things. Lucca is probably a bit pissed off that she was given a daft bit of metal instead of a bonio.

Incidentally, the honour she received is called the PDSA Dickin medal (named in honour of the founder of the People’s Dispensary for Sick Animals, Maria Elisabeth Dickin) and Lucca is the 67^th recipient. Since the medal was introduced in 1943 it has been awarded to 31 dogs, 32 WWII carrier pigeons, three horses and a cat.

The military have always been fond of animals [Steady... - Ed.] and many regiments have their ‘mascot’ [Phew. - Ed.]. These have ranged from polecats to horses with any manner of creature in between. Goats are very popular - The Royal Welsh Fusiliers had a goat [Sorry pardon excuse me? - Ed.] as their mascot as far back as the American War of Independence. Since that time, there have been several Billies - they have all been called Billy - and the current incumbent is a Billy, but he has a posh name too; He is William Windsor. Actually, it seems the regiment are mocking a member of the royal family; isn’t that classed as treason? Any road up, Billy even has a rank. He is a lance corporal. That means a goat has a higher rank than many of the soldiers! How mental is that? Does a fusilier have to address him as sir? Actually, a previous goat mascot lost his stripe and was demoted to fusilier after behaving badly on the parade ground. I assure you, I am not making this up. The goat handler even has a special rank: goat major. You may be interested to know [We’re not. - Ed.] the parachute regiment has as its mascot a shetland pony called Pegasus. Apt name, but I doubt if it can actually fly. I wonder if it gets parachuted out of the plane with them. I’ve heard of surprise attacks, but it really would be a shock if you saw a horse parachuting down towards you.

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Onto the big football story of the week: Motherwell won their fifth game on the trot and sit fourth in the table. Woo hoo! [That isn’t the big story and you know it. - Ed.] Chelsea’s new boss will be Antonio Contes; the eleventh manager at Chelsea since Abramovich took control of the club in 2003. Hmm, not the best career choice, then. [Big, but still not the biggest. - Ed.] Leicester’s mayor has promised to rename the town’s streets in honour of the Foxes’ players if Leicester win the league... [Will you stop mucking about? You know which story is the biggest. - Ed.] All right. Apparently a team called Rangers is being promoted from the Scottish Championship (2^nd division in old money) to the Scottish Premiership (Division one as was). Happy now?

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Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 9thof April? As wacky Icelandic chanter Bjork once said, possibly maybe. Isembard Kingdom Brunel 1806 (Engineer who liked to think ‘bigger is better’. His railway had a gauge of 7 feet as opposed to every other rail engineers’ 4 feet 8 inches. His ship ‘The Great Eastern’ was bigger than any vessel yet built. Sadly, bigger is better also applied to the cost of such feats of engineering skill; every job cost many times the original estimate.), Paul Robeson 1898 (‘As an artist I come to sing, but as a citizen, I will always speak for peace, and no one can silence me in this.’), Ward Bond 1903 (Bert the cop in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’.), Hugh Gaitskell 1906 (Not a fan of the EEC - ‘It does mean, if this is the idea, the end of Britain as an independent European state...it means the end of a thousand years of history’.), Robert Helpmann 1909 (The Child molest... sorry... catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.), Brad Dexter 1917 (The member of ‘The Magnificent Seven’ that no one seems to remember.), Alex Moulton 1920 (Developed various suspension systems for BMC cars such as the Mini, 1100, Maxi and 1800... Oh, and the Allegro. Nobody’s perfect.), Hugh Hefner 1926 (Dirty old man.), Gerry Fitt 1926 (Actually, he wasn’t.), Tom Lehrer 1928 (‘Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.’), Carl Perkins 1932 (Nice shoes, Carl.), Jean-Paul Belmondo 1933 (Trivia: he supports Paris Saint-Germain.), Valerie Singleton 1937 (Here’s one I made earlier.), Hannah Gordon 1941 (Starred in possibly the most contrived sitcom ever - My Wife Next Door - about a divorced couple who buy houses next door to each other... with hilarious consequences, it says here.), Alan Knott 1946 (crickety wickety keepery bloke.), Les Gray 1946 (He preferred women who had feet resembling those of a panthera tigris.), Ian Duncan-Smith 1954 (Conservative MP with a conscience. [Must be some mistake. - Ed.]), Severiano Ballesteros 1957 (Golfy bloke who actually made it interesting.) and Robbie Fowler 1975 (Footy bloke. Trivia: he is the sixth highest scorer in the Premier League... That means he scored lots of goals, not that he was incredibly tall. 162 goals in total.).

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Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. All is revealed below, fair reader...

West Ham vs Crystal Palace - Prediction Home win

Result - West Ham 2 Crystal Palace 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The Eagles went in front when Damien Delaney headed into the net from close range after a mistake from Adrian.

But the Hammers equalised three minutes later through Manuel Lanzini's low effort before Dimitri Payet's stunning 20-yard free-kick put the hosts ahead.

West Ham's Cheikhou Kouyate was sent off for fouling Dwight Gayle, who equalised after Angelo Ogbonna's error.

Burton vs Bury - Prediction Home win

Result - Burton 1 Bury 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Ten-man Burton scored a late equaliser in an action-packed game against Bury.

The visitors did well to compete with high-flying Burton, before Hamza Choudhury received a second yellow card for a late tackle.

Bury quickly capitalised and led through substitute Ryan Lowe's header from Dan Gardner's cross.

Burton pushed numbers forward and were rewarded when substitute Tyler Walker scored his first goal for the club with a back-heel to equalise in injury time.

Rochdale vs Doncaster - Prediction Home win

Result - Rochdale 2 Doncaster 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Dale led a thrilling game full of chances through a volleyed effort from Callum Camps just before the break.

Rovers hit back with Mitchell Lund scoring from close range and Andy Butler netting with a looping finish.

But the visitors had Craig Alcock sent off for a second caution in the 91st minute and Niall Canavan levelled in the sixth of seven minutes of injury time.

Accrington vs Cambridge - Prediction Home win

Result - Accrington 1 Cambridge 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The visitors pressured their in-form hosts and were rewarded when they took the lead with a fortuitous goal.

Stanley defender Tom Davies' clearance hit Jimmy Spencer 12 yards out and the ball bounced into the bottom corner.

The home side grabbed a vital equaliser when on-loan winger Tariqe Fosu found the bottom corner from 10 yards after a quick breakaway.

East Stirling vs Berwick - Prediction Away win

Result - East Stirling 0 Berwick 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Darren Lavery came close for the visitors either side of half-time, but had a header saved before firing a long-range effort wide.

Team-mate Jonathon Fairbairn's header sailed over the bar.

Shire struck back unsuccessfully with chances of their own through Michael McMullin and Kristopher Faulds.

Blimey! Five draws! As Harry Hill would say, what are the chances of that happening? Sadly, it meant that The Grambler gave us a return of exactly zilch. Oh well, maybe this week he/she/it will hit the jackpot. [Oh look, a flying pig. - Ed.]

This Saturday the 9^th of April there are 66 games in the English and Scottish senior leagues kicking off at 3pm. Which five has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game - Result - Odds

Southampton vs Newcastle - Prediction Home win - 3/5

Bradford vs Swindon - Prediction Home win - 1/2

Wigan vs Coventry - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Crawley vs Oxford - Prediction Away win - 4/7

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Portsmouth - Prediction Away win - 8/15

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…

£7.02

Hmm... not much is it?

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you what first was Arsenal’s 1927 match against Sheffield United known for. A dead easy one this. It was the first match to be broadcast live on the radio.

One for this week? There was a Scotsman, a Frenchman and a Spaniard... No it isn’t the start of a joke. Three non-English managers have won the UEFA/Europa League Cup with English clubs, can you name them? One for the folk down the pub.

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to one of our birthday celebrants, a Mr T. Lehrer of New York who this week is 88 years old. In his time he has been a singer-songwriter, satirist, pianist and mathematician - often all at the same time. So we end this week’s edition of thegrambler.com with a link to one of his humorous ditties. Click here for Poisoning Pigeons in the Park. If you enjoy that, just let that annoying little feature on You-Tube keep taking you on to another... and another...and another...and another...and another...and another...and another...and another...and another...and another...

Happy birthday Tom

Happy Grambling.

Saturday, 2 April 2016

Week 35 - Easter grambling

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Last week in this very blog I mentioned that it was Easter weekend. As everyone knows, Easter is the time that Christians mark the demise of their religion’s founder by eating chocolate. Odd way to commemorate it, but who am I to argue?

When I were a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time. - Ed.] we used to decorate a hard-boiled egg and then roll it down a hill. [You were barmy, were you? - Ed.] No, apparently, it is to do with the stone that blocked the entrance to where Christ’s body was placed after he ‘died’, but when it was rolled aside, would you adam and eve it, there he was, gorn! Something like that anyway.

Obviously, a hard-boiled egg rolled down a hill is a bit boring for kids so, nowadays, Easter egg hunts seem to be the popular choice. I can understand the appeal. A chocolate egg is quite an easy thing to catch. It can’t run away. So not a lot of actual hunting involved. I’m sure Jesus would have approved that the untold suffering he endured by being nailed onto a cross to die is ‘remembered’ by kids searching for chocolate in the shape of eggs. [Do I detect a touch of sarcasm? - Ed.]

Last weekend, Mrs G and I, together with the family, trooped off to a local hotel, which just happens to be located in picturesque, wooded surroundings, for the grandnippers to take part in an egg hunt. The event was staged by the local hospice to raise funds. The idea was that the children would have fun looking for eggs and the parents and grandparents would donate lots of dosh to the fund.

So far, so good. Now, there were around thirty kids there for the start of the hunt. Not many, but the event was to last three hours so obviously others would arrive later. Apparently, around 800 chocolate eggs of varying sizes had been donated by local businesses and these were ‘hidden’ around the shrubs and trees surrounding the hotel car park. I say hidden, if a child were blindfolded and spun round to induce dizziness, he or she would still manage to find eggs within a few footsteps. Everywhere you looked there were eggs.

All the kids were given a large carrier bag, which could carry quite a lot of eggs, and told to help themselves to as many eggs as they wanted. Big mistake. You don’t give a child instructions like that. For the next five minutes chaos reigned supreme. Kids were filling their bags to the brim and still collecting more.

I mentioned that other children would be arriving later, didn’t I? I don’t know what they would ‘hunt’, because every egg had been claimed within that first five minutes.

Okay, so it was badly organised. It was the first occasion the hospice had tried such an event; next time will surely be different. Nevertheless, it did raise a lot of money for the funds, because everyone was very generous. Everyone, that is, except one parent...

The hunt was just starting and a large 4 x 4 vehicle pulled into the carpark. Out stepped a man and two children. Without speaking to any of the organisers, they set to searching for eggs. When they each had as many as they could carry, they loaded them into the back of the car. You probably expect me to say that they then drove off without giving the organisers a penny piece. They didn’t. No, they went on a second sortie and again loaded themselves up with eggs which they then put into the back of the car. Then, they drove off without giving the organisers a penny piece. Isn’t that despicable? Greedy fn b******s! Basically, they stole about 50 chocolate eggs. They weren’t to know that they had all been donated; for all they knew, the hospice might have had to buy each and every one of them.

One of the organisers watched this take place and could only stand open-mouthed at the sheer audacity of it. Shocked and stunned she was.

By the way, I hope you don’t think we encouraged our own grandkids to grab as many eggs as they could. They didn’t need any encouragement. What we did though, was to return most of their stash to the organisers. If nothing else, latecomers would get something to hunt. I just hope that bloke with the 4 x4 didn’t come back for seconds. Or is that thirds?

.....oooOooo.....

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 2^ndof April? As Buddy Holly once said, maybe baby. Giacomo Casanova 1725 (Satyromaniac.), Hans Christian Andersen 1805 (Famous for writing some pretty gruesome kids’ stories. The little mermaid committed suicide, the little match girl froze to death and the steadfast tin soldier melted. Really cheery stuff. His private life was a bit complicated. Funny he never married.), William Holman Hunt 1827 (Painter. His famous picture ‘Light of the World’ scared me s***less when I was a kid.), Emile Zola 1840 (Type of cheese.), Max Ernst 1891 (Dada artist [What? He only painted his dad? - Ed.].), Buddy Ebsen 1908 (Trivia: He was the original choice to play the Tin Man in the 1939 film Wizard of Oz. Unfortunately, he had to pull out after he fell ill due to the aluminium in his makeup. He had already recorded the vocals to ‘If I only had a heart’ before taking ill and his voice was left in the group vocals in that song although his solo - click here - was obviously not.), Alec Guinness 1914 (Genuine class.), George MacDonald Fraser 1925 (Flash geezer.), Ferenc Puskas 1927 (Footy bloke), Serge Gainsbourg 1928 (Trouser material.), Mahmood Hussain 1932 (Crickety bloke.), Brian Glover 1934 (I read a book once... Green, it was.), Diane Cilento 1934 (The first Mrs Connery.), Jack Brabham 1936 (Racey car bloke. What a great name for a racing driver. Sounds like a car accelerating. Brabhammm!), Marvin Gaye 1939 (‘Politics and hypocrytes is turning us all into lunatics.’ Erm... wise, though grammatically suspect, words there Marvin.), Penelope Keith 1940 (Ectress who first got noticed in TV ads. Click here for an example), Leon Russell 1941 (Wrecking Crew member.), Emmylou Harris 1947 (Has collaborated on albums with... deep breath... Linda Ronstadt, Dolly Parton, Vince Gill, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison, Ryan Adams, Elvis Costello, Mark Knopfler, Anne Murray, Willie Nelson, Old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all, Old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all.), Paul Gambaccini 1949 (He did the telephone answering voice on ‘The Sporting Life’ on Godley and Creme’s album ‘L’. Yes, I know he didn’t write it, but it gives me an excuse to give an example of Kev and Lol’s wit...

This is the Bad Samaritans
Hello loved one
Sorry there was nobody here
To take your call personally
However, we understand
What you're going through
How you've travelled life's highway
With your smile on upside-down
And now you think you've found
The ultimate answer to all your problems
Don't be hasty
Why waste a life
Wait until there's a crowd down below
Give a little when you go

Rather clever, I always thought.), Linford Christie 1960 (Athleticky bloke.) and Teddy Sheringham 1966 (Footy bloke. Trivia: In England’s game against Greece in October 2001 he came on as a sub and scored within seconds - the fastest ever goal by an England substitute),

We can’t leave the birthdays section without mentioning that Stewart David Smith, the founder of this wonderful blog, should have been celebrating his 31^st birthday this Monday. Click on Week 35 - More words from our founder to enjoy a few examples of his sense of humour.

.....oooOooo.....

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How good was last week’s bet? Not very. What happened? We won. Yay! No, not yay. We only won 56 pees. Oh dear. All is revealed below, fair reader...

Alloa vs St. Mirren - Prediction Away win

Result - Alloa 0 St Mirren 1

Yay!

Alloa are still searching for their first home win, but kept Buddies keeper Jamie Langfield busy early on.

Matchwinner Keith Watson cleared Iain Flannigan's effort off the line following a scramble.

And the defender netted the clincher to leave Alloa 13 points adrift at the foot of the table.

Falkirk vs Livingston - Predication Home win

Result - Falkirk 1 Livingston 2

Boo!

A missed penalty in injury time from John Baird saw Falkirk slump to a shock 2-1 defeat at home to second-bottom Livingston in the Scottish Championship.
Jordan White and Sam Stanton put the visitors 2-0 up before Will Vaulks pulled one back and Baird missed the opportunity to salvage a point in a dramatic finish.

Ayr vs Stranraer - Prediction Home win

Result - Ayr 2 Stranraer 1

Yay!

Alan Trouten's shot found the net off the inside of a post to give Ayr the lead.

And, in the second half, Stranraer goalkeeper Cameron Belford failed to clear a passback and Michael Wardrobe was left with a simple tap-in.

The visitors pulled one back through Ryan Thomson's header but Ayr held on.

Clyde vs Arbroath - Prediction Home win

Result - Clyde 1 Arbroath 2

Boo!

Debutant Jordan Kirkpatrick put Clyde in front after eight minutes but Arbroath turned the game on its head early in the second half.

Bobby Linn's penalty levelled 11 minutes after the break, then Richard Little's right-footed effort two minutes later left Clyde stunned.

East Fife vs Queen’s Park - Prediction Home win

Result - East Fife 1 Queen’s Park 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Jamie Insall's early strike gave the hosts an advantage against the Spiders.

However, a shot by Chris Duggan levelled matters for the visitors and neither side could find a winner in the second period.

Rubbish, or what. Can The Grambler make amends this week? Doubt it. A full schedule this weekend so she/he/it has 56 games (kicking off at 3pm on Saturday the 2^nd of April) to choose from. And the five lucky games to be awarded the honour of being selected by The Grambler are...

Game - Result - Odds

West Ham vs Crystal Palace - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Burton vs Bury - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Rochdale vs Doncaster - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Accrington vs Cambridge - Prediction Home win - 4/5

East Stirling vs Berwick - Prediction Away win - 3/4

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…

£10.76

1076? Did anything of interest happen that year? Well, it could well have been the first time British folk talked about their favourite topic. Which is, you may ask. The answer is the weather. You see, on November the 1^st 1076, there was a frost; not just your average touch of frost in the morning. No, this was a real freeze up and it lasted. And lasted. And lasted. Come December, England was still iced up. Probably everyone thought, ‘How nice, a white Christmas.’ White new year, too. By February, folk must have been getting a tad peed off. It was still there in March. Indeed, that frost lasted right through to April. A full five months and more. So think about that next time you have to scrape a bit of frost off your car windscreen.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you how old Johan Cruyff was when he first joined AFC Ajax. He joined their youth system on his tenth birthday. Who cried foul? That was his age when he joined Ajax and he stayed for 16 years.

One for this week? Okay, a real oldie for you. What first was Arsenal’s 1927 match against Sheffield United known for? One to ask them down the pub.

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, this week saw the passing of another comedy great (it says here). Ronnie Corbett has popped his clogs. It would be fitting then, to finish with a link to something of his. We did the Mastermind clip a few weeks back, so how about this? Click here to enjoy one of the wee man's early television performances.

Happy Grambling.

Pages

Saturday, 23 April 2016

Week 38 - The Grambler salutes Victoria Wood

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Week 37 - The Grambler salutes Dennis Skinner, but not Dodgy Dave

Friday, 8 April 2016

Week 36 - The Grambler and the three-legged dog

Saturday, 2 April 2016

Week 35 - Easter grambling

The Bobby Moore Fund

Links