Week 8 - It's the late late Grambler, once more

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

So.... (nod a bit)... it's farewell... (touch glasses)... to.... (more nodding)...Denis Norden... (touch glasses)... The slowest... (nod nod)... television presenter... (touch glasses again while nodding).................. ever.

Those of you of a certain age may remember old Denis... and, believe me, he was old... as the presenter of a programme called It'll be Alright on the Night; a selection of out-takes and mistakes that obviously couldn't be used.... except on a programme like this. It was hilarious. (It says here). It began over 40 years ago when Den was already in his mid fifties and seemed to run for eons (him as well as the programme).

I shouldn't mock it, because it's popularity was such that it seemed every comedy programme from then on copied the idea and had a few out takes tagged on at the end. Oh how we laughed.

Eventually, the genre (That's a good word. Must look it up.) became a parody of itself with even animators making short films of ‘bloopers’ to tag on the end of the main feature. Toy Story, for example, got the treatment.

Any road up, back to Mr Norden. Many are perhaps unaware that It'll be Alright on the Night was a late career move for him; he had started his show business career as a comedy script writer with Frank Muir. After some years as simply writers, tv and radio producers realised that their wit could actually be used in performing roles... Well, if appearing on panel games counts as performing. Thus, the two of them began a second career and became a sort of double act on programmes such as My Word and its spin off My Music.
However, I'm moving too quickly here, it was the first career which should interest us more. From the late nineteen forties through to the early nineteen sixties, Muir and Norden wrote for many radio and television comedies.

Their first huge success was a programme called Take It From Here which starred Jimmy Edwards, Dick Bentley and June Whitfield. I've actually used a clip from the programme as part of thegrambler.com in the past. They stuck with Jimmy Edwards when he moved to tv and wrote his series Whack-O which was about a crooked headmaster at a public school for boys. They followed that with another series for him entitled Faces of Jim.

Here's a factoid for you. Do you remember the film Carry On Cleo? The part where Kenneth Williams as Julius Caesar gets his comeuppance, he utters the most memorable Carry On line ever... 'Infamy. Infamy. They've all got it on for me.' Okay, it doesn't look so amusing when it's written down like that, but it was. Believe me. Anyway, it was a gag written by Muir and Norden. So now you know.

They carried on writing together but this would eventually take a back seat as their tv and radio appearance work took over. The partnership lasted over fifty years.

 

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Were any famous or notorious people born on the 22nd of September? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Anne of Cleves 1515 (Wife number four of Henry VIII. They were married for all of six months. She escaped with a divorce.), Michael Faraday 1791 (Scientist famous for his effect, cage, cup, constant, paradox, rotator, wave and wheel among other things.), Christabel Pankhurst 1880 (Queen of the mob.), Erich von Stroheim 1885 (Actor, screenwriter, director and producer), Paul Muni 1895 (Actor), Henry Segrave 1896 (World record setting bloke), John Houseman 1902 (Actor and producer), Rosamunde Pilcher 1924 (Orfer.), Eric Broadley 1928 (Engineer. Founder of Lola, el oh el ay Lola), Fay Weldon 1931 (Orfer), George Younger 1931 (Politician and banker... I said banker), Ingemar Johansson 1932 (Boxy bloke), Toni Basil 1943 (Singer who had a hit with Hey Mickey. ... erm... that’s it), King Sunny Adé 1946 (Musician. Have another clip; here’s Enia l'Asho Mi.), Mark Phillips 1948 (Stud.), David Coverdale 1951 (Chanter with Deep Purple and Whitesnake. Have another clip... Here he goes again.), Richard Fairbrass 1953 (Singer who’s deeply dippy.  No, I have no idea what it means either.), Debby Boone 1956 (Singer. Daughter of Pat who looks suitably proud in this cheesy video for You Light Up My Life.), Nick Cave 1957 (Musician. Have another clip. Here’s Into My Arms.), Andrea Bocelli 1958 (Rerr chanter. Here he is performing Con Te Partiro.), Joan Jett 1958 (Singer who loves rock and roll.), Scott Baio 1960 (Actor), Liam Fox 1961 (Politician from Polomint City), Catherine Oxenberg 1961 (Actress), Ruth Jones 1966 (Actress, isn’t it.), Sue Perkins 1969 (Comedian), Rupert Penry-Jones 1970 (Ectaw), Emmanuel Petit 1970 (Homme de football), Harry Kewell 1978 (Strine footy bloke.), Billie Piper 1982 (Singer turned actress. What? Another clip? Aye, go on then. Why?  Because we want to.) and Glenn Loovens 1983 (Voetballer).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Fumbler,

I have always been a great fan of singer and actress Billie Piper and am so pleased that you included one of her songs in this week’s edition. The song you gave a link to was her first number one single. The second number one was called Girlfriend. Here’s a teaser for you, can you remember her third and, to date, final number one record?

Yours with knobs on,

Diane Ite.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? All right, actually. Made a wee profit for once. Not much. 30 pees. Better than a poke in the eye with a wet fish. What happened? Read on...

 

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Prediction Away win

Result - Newcastle 1 Arsenal 2

Yay!

Despite being frustrated in the first half, Granit Xhaka opened the scoring for the Gunners with an excellent long-range free-kick after the break, before Mesut Ozil followed up Alexandre Lacazette's blocked effort to double the advantage.

Ciaran Clark responded in stoppage time for the hosts.

 

Coventry vs Barnsley - Prediction Away win

Result - Coventry 1 Barnsley 0

Boo!

Conor Chaplin should have given the home side an early breakthrough when he somehow side-footed wide from six yards.

Jacob Brown spurned two clear-cut chances for Barnsley, firstly when he intercepted Junior Brown's backpass only to see goalkeeper Lee Burge touch his low shot on to a post before firing wide when well-placed from Mamadou Thiam's low cross.

Burge tipped Thiam's 20-yard curler over the bar five minutes into the second half, but at the other end, City were denied when Chaplin's fierce finish from a Jonson Clarke-Harris knockdown was disallowed for offside in the build-up.

An end-to-end affair saw scrambles in both boxes but City snatched the winner when Michael Doyle's free-kick was headed back inside by Dominic Hyam and Jordan Willis hurled himself forward to bundle in from close range.

 

Macclesfield vs Lincoln - Prediction Away win

Result - Macclesfield 1 Lincoln 2

Yay!

The Imps had had an alarmingly easy afternoon at the Moss Rose but looked to have thrown two points away when Jamie Grimes scrambled in an equaliser five minutes from time, cancelling out Tom Pett's first-half goal.

But centre-back Jason Shackell fired in through a crowd of players to increase the misery for second-bottom Macclesfield and keep Lincoln riding high.

In truth the struggling Silkmen had been overrun in a one-sided game, only the heroics of goalkeeper Kieran O'Hara seemingly earning a reward after impressively denying John Akinde, Pett and Harry Anderson.

O'Hara had performed heroics with his side barely able to lay a glove on their high-flying guests as Macclesfield's torment continued late into the game.

That was until Grimes pounced during a goalmouth scramble but, while Lincoln were not at their best, Shackell's goal moments later was enough for the win.

 

Brechin vs Raith Rovers - Prediction Away win

Result - Brechin 1 Raith Rovers 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Match report? Ha ha ha ha... This is a Scottish League One game and therefore unrecognised by the Beeb Beeb Ceeb.

Berwick vs Elgin - Prediction Away win

Result - Berwick 0 Elgin 3

Yay!

See above.

Okey dokey, let’s have a look what The Grambler has come up with this week.

Game - Result - Odds

Aston Villa vs Sheffield Wed - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Leeds vs Birmingham - Prediction Home win - 5/6

Middlesbrough vs Swansea - Prediction Home win - 13/20

Sheffield Utd vs Preston - Prediction Home win - 17/20

West Brom vs Millwall - Prediction Home win - 7/10

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£8.88

 

Hmm... That is distinctly unwhopping.

 

As this week’s edition is so late, I can tell you that these predictions turned out to be a bit rubbishy, only two proving to be correct. Sorry about that.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which club dropped Boscombe from its name in 1972. The answer, of course, is Premiershit team A.F.C. Bournemouth.

That was too easy, don’t you think? How about one for this week? Here’s a good un... What connects the football clubs Southamption, Darlington and Plymouth Argyle?  Hint: it's to do with nicknames.  Hmm... very interesting.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Messrs D. Norden and F. Muir who provide us with our final clip of the week.

Long long ago, when you went to the cinema, you didn't just watch one film and that was it, as happens nowadays. This is relevant, I assure you. There used to be an accompanying film (a 'B' movie), a news report and, sometimes, another short, informative film. Often, these took the form of travelogues about far off exotic lands which the average Brit had only ever read about in books; places like Tahiti, Peru or Bali might feature.

The clip I am giving you a link to is a spoof travelogue written by Muir and Norden. Ladeez and genullum, please enjoy Balham - Gateway to the South.

 

Pronounced Bal-ham

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 7 - Grambleday wishes to Prince Harry

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Those of you who read thegrambler.com on a regular basis will be aware that a favourite topic of mine is motoring. There are many things that catch my ire when it comes to driving.

Today, I am back on the subject of motoring, but it has nothing to do with driving a car; it's more to do with driving the economy (Do you see what I did there?). However do you mean, I hear you ask. Pull up a chair and I'll explain it to ee.

Here in the Yuk there are times in the year when vehicle registration prefixes change. Precisely twice per year, in fact. The registration plate on a new car indicates the year and the time of year that the vehicle was first registered. With me so far? So, on the first of March this year the prefix 18 was introduced. Do you see? 2018 = 18 prefix. I say prefix; there are actually two letters before it and three after it, but I'm too thick to think of a word that suits. No doubt some smartie will pull me up on my stupidity.

Any road up, it is always fun to spot the first new registration plate on or after the first day of that month.

Usually, by the third or fourth day I will stop looking because they are becoming a bit commonplace.

Where is this all leading, you may be wondering. [I certainly am. Yawn. - Ed.] Well, September is the month when a new registration number starts to be used. 68 is the new number. Yeah, I know that makes no sense unless you understand the system. Just believe what I say. The new prefix (which isn't really a prefix) is 68. It just is.

Anyway, what has this got to do with driving the economy? The signs are not good. Here we are in the middle of September and I haven't seen a single new registration plate.

March and September are traditionally the times of the year that most new cars get registered in Britain. It's a vanity thing. It is nice to drive a shiny new car out of the car showroom on the first day of the new plate. I used to do it myself... sadly, I always got caught and they made me take it back. That is meant to be a joke. I didn't really steal cars.

My point is, though, that there is a paucity (That's a good word. Must look it up.) of new cars being registered and that could be an indicator of a failing economy.

What is going on? Are people frightened to spend their money? Perhaps there isn't any money to spend. Is it the Brexit effect? Is everyone sh*tt*ng themselves because they won't have any shoes on their feet? Never mind shoes; what about food to eat?

Well, some good will come of it. At least there won't be so many fat people about.

What? I'm exaggerating? Yes you're probably right. Of course I am. People not buying cars leads to a collapse of the economy? Ha! Ridiculous!

 

 

 

 

 

Do you think it’s the beginning of the end of the world?

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 15th of September? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. James Fenimore Cooper 1789 (Orfer. He was the last bloke with a mohican... or something.), William Taft 1857 (The well-known president.), Ettore Bugatti 1881 (Car maker who must be spinning in his grave when he sees what VW engineers have done in his name.), Antonio Ascari 1888 (Car racey bloke.), Robert Benchley 1889 (Writer and actor.), Agatha Christie 1890 (Orfer.), Jean Renoir 1894 (Film maker.), Donald Bailey 1901 (Engineer who designed the bridge that bears both his name and a lot of weight.), Faye Wray 1907 (Actress who got off with King Kong.), Margaret Lockwood 1916 (Ectress. Ooh, she was wicked.), Richard Gordon 1921 (Surgeon turned orfer.), Jackie Cooper 1922 (Actor.), John Julius Norwich 1929 (Rurly posh bloke, yah?), Graham Taylor 1944 (Footy bloke. Do I not like that?), Jessye Norman 1945 (Singer. At last! A clip. All together now... When you walk through a storm...), Tommy Lee Jones 1946 (Actor. He chased after Harrison Ford.), Mike Procter 1946 (Sarf Ifrican creekutty blake.), Oliver Stone 1946 (Film maker.), Johan Neeskens 1951 (Voetbal speler en manager.), Wayne Ferreira 1971 (Sarth Ifrican tinnees plyer.), Jimmy Carr 1972 (Comedian.), Paul Thomson 1976 (Drummer with Franz Ferdinand. Another clip? Here’s their biggest hit to date, Take Me Out.), Sophie Dahl 1977 (Orfer.), Tom Hardy 1977 (Ectaw.) and Harry Windsor 1984 (Rurly, rulry posh benefits scrounger, yah?).

 

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Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Badly. Rurly rurly badly. 72 pees back from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on...

 

Blackpool vs Bradford - Prediction Home win

Result - Blackpool 3 Bradford 2

Yay!

Eoin Doyle and Jack Payne gave Bradford the lead, but Jay Spearing scored twice and Curtis Tilt pounced on Richard O'Donnell's error to snatch a late winner.

The game burst into life after 59 minutes when Tilt tripped Kelvin Mellor in the area and Doyle coolly sent Mark Howard the wrong way from the spot.

Payne then doubled the lead five minutes later, finishing low into the corner through a defender's legs.

Spearing pulled one back from the spot with six minutes remaining, firing into the bottom corner after O'Donnell fouled Armand Gnanduillet.

Three minutes later, Ryan McGowan tripped Tilt in the area and, though O'Donnell saved Spearing's initial penalty, the Blackpool captain converted the rebound.

And Tilt then won the game in the 90th minute when O'Donnell spilled a routine cross, pouncing on the loose ball and stabbing in.

 

Sunderland vs Fleetwood - Prediction Home win

Result - Sunderland 1 Fleetwood 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Fleetwood striker Paddy Madden headed down and beyond Jon McLaughlin from Ashley Hunter's corner and that was the fifth time this season Sunderland have gone behind in League One.

Once again, though, Sunderland found a way back, even if it was not to secure three points, with the result leaving both teams in the play-off places.

Striker Josh Maja found the net for the fifth time this season to flick in George Honeyman's cross with eight minutes remaining of the opening period.

There were good chances for both teams after that, particularly a Fleetwood penalty soon after the restart when Adam Matthews tripped James Husband. McLaughlin was equal to Madden's spot-kick, diving strongly to his left.

In the closing stages Sunderland saw Tom Flanagan and Jerome Sinclair force Alex Cairns into strong saves and then Glenn Loovens headed against the post from the resulting corner.

 

Bury vs Grimsby - Prediction Home win

Result - Bury 4 Grimsby 0

Yay!

Danny Mayor scored a brace of well-taken goals as Will Aimson and a Danny Collins own-goal completed a one-sided victory.

A superb individual strike from Mayor handed Bury the lead after the forward danced past two Grimsby defenders before coolly slotting home from 15 yards.

Jordan Cook should have equalised for the visitors, but after racing clear of the Bury defence, he was thwarted by a smart save from goalkeeper Joe Murphy.

Harry Clifton also went close for Grimsby but Bury doubled their advantage before the half-time interval.

Aimson was left unmarked in the penalty area as he comfortably headed home Nicky Adams' corner-kick.

Bury's lead increased further just after the hour-mark as Grimsby defender Danny Collins could only tap into his own goal after Chris Dagnall's shot bounced back out off the post.

Mayor struck again to mark a terrific individual display as he curled home from just outside the box to seal maximum points.

 

Forest Green vs Port Vale - Prediction Home win

Result - Forest Green 1 Port Vale 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Port Vale picked up their first point away from home as Tom Pope's penalty cancelled out Carl Winchester's goal in a draw at Forest Green Rovers.

Rovers were reduced to ten men when Farrend Rawson was sent off, but they held on to maintain their unbeaten start.

Forest Green took the lead when Joseph Mills' free kick was headed in by Winchester at the back post.

They had a good chance to double their lead when Reuben Reid burst through the middle and released Joseph Mills on the right, but he shot straight at the keeper on his weaker foot.

Vale grew into the game in the second half and equalised when Pope fired a penalty into the roof of the net after Ricky Miller was fouled by Rawson, who was booked.

It got worse for Forest Green when Rawson was shown a straight red card for a nasty challenge on Mitch Clark.

 

Northampton vs Cheltenham - Prediction Home win

Result - Northampton 1 Cheltenham 3

Boo!

Will Boyle's close-range goal in the first half was added to by Conor Thomas and Kelsey Mooney after half-time, with Kevin van Veen's penalty in vain for the home side.

Northampton raced out of the blocks as Sam Hoskins steered an early effort off target and then Van Veen ballooned over from an acute angle.

But Cheltenham took the lead when Johnny Mullins found space from a free-kick and knocked the ball down to Boyle, who tapped in.

The Cobblers levelled just past the hour as Hoskins pounced on a short back pass and drew the foul from goalkeeper Scott Flinders, allowing Van Veen to score from the spot.

But Cheltenham won their own spot-kick when Shay Facey felled Jacob Maddox and Thomas converted, squeezing the ball past David Cornell.

And the Robins had their third soon after as a scramble from a corner allowed Mooney to prod in.

 

Match reports supplied by the Press Association.

 

Oh dear. Not too good. Can The Grambler up his/her/its game this week? I hope so, but I’m doubtful (as always). What has he/she/it randomly predicted from Saturday the 15^th of September’s three o’clock kick offs?

Game - Result - Odds

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Coventry vs Barnsley - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Macclesfield vs Lincoln - Prediction Away win - 11/10

Brechin vs Raith Rovers - Prediction Away win - 21/20

Berwick vs Elgin - Prediction Away win - 11/10

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£14.88

 

Oh dear. A bit too whopping... And what’s with all the away wins?

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who managed Carlisle United, Grimsby Town, Workington and Huddersfield Town before moving to the club which would define his career. The answer was Liverpool’s most famous manager, Bill Shankley.

One for this week? Okey dokey. Which club dropped Boscombe from its name in 1972? Too easy for any geography students out there. See if you can work it out before resorting to Googly maps.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr J. Carr, famous for his tax avoidance and having the most annoying laugh ever. He is also a very clever and funny comedian. Let’s end this week with some of his jokes which I hope will make you smile. Be warned... some of them are rather near the knuckle.

 

“I did a sponsored walk once. In the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.”

“When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.”

“I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.”

“My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying, ‘Random accidents ahead’; ‘Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.'”

“I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.” “I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him, ‘They’re like buses.’ He said, ‘What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once.’ I said, ‘No, they are like buses!'

“I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.”

“When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.”

“Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die.”

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'”

“I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ And I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.'”

“I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.”

“I like to go into The Body Shop and shout out really loud, ‘I’ve already got one!'”

“Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except Labradors.”

“I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said, ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.'”

“Say what you want about the deaf…”

“No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.”

“Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.'”

“People with Tourette’s… what makes them tick?”

“Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ – what kind of man do you think I am?”

“I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign, ‘This door is alarmed’. I said to myself, ‘How do you think I feel?'”

“I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s problem.”

“I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.”

“There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me, ‘oh, don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys.’ OK, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be your fault?”

“The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet.”

“My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ Until the accident.”

“In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.”

“My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…”

“I went up to the airport information desk and said ‘How many airports are there in the world?'”

“My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said, ‘Alright, fatty.'”

“A big girl once came up to me after a show and said ‘I think you’re fatist’. I said, ‘no, I think you’re fattest.'”

“Throwing acid is wrong. In some people’s eyes.”

“A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street and said ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘alright, but we’re not going to get much done.'”

“When someone close to you dies, move seats.”

“British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.”

“I live near a remedial school. There’s a sign that says, ‘slow – children’. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side… they can’t read it.”

“I saw that show 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I’d have thought the obvious one was, ‘shout for help.'”

“If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?”

“The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard to, I would think, considering it’s your phone number.”

“Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.”

“Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.”

“My Dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.”

“The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.”

“I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for a year. I’m not sure about you, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.”

“I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my Mum that really hurt.”

“I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them. I was lying to get sex.”

“I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said, ‘why not?’ I said, ‘you look fat.'”

“I worry about my Nan. If she’s alone and she falls, does she make a sound?”

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

 

 

Jimmy Carr... aspiring comedian



 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 6 - The Grambler congratulates Andy Robertson... again

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

This week I have mostly been... painting the summerhouse. [Really? How interesting. Yawn. - Ed.] I say summerhouse... Some might prefer to call it a gazebo. Other, less charitable, types would call it a garden shed with ideas above its station. Whatever. I have been busy painting the damn thing.

It isn’t the easiest structure to paint. This is largely down to its location. The garden or, as I like to call it, back yard originally had quite a slope from the house down. Indeed, the houses which are directly beyond the garden, though identical, sit several metres lower than it. Over the many years Mrs G and I have lived here, the garden has been altered considerably and the slope has been levelled thanks to several tons of rubble providing foundations for a reasonably flat slabbed area. There is a drainage ditch at the bottom of the garden which is a couple or three feet lower than the slabbed part. with me so far? No? Never mind. The only reason I mention the fact is that the glorified shed (remember that?) is at the bottom of the garden, where the slabs come to an end. Beyond it is only that ditch.

That is all very interesting, you may say, but what has that got to do with the price of fish. Well, the only access for painting this hut is the ditch. Thus, when I try to paint the back of the summer house, the top of it is a good ten feet above ground level. And? And that means I have to stand on a stepladder to reach the high bits. And? Ladders and me just don’t see eye to eye. We really don’t get on at all. Whenever I use a ladder, trouble is sure to follow. I’ll give you some examples...

I was painting the boundary fence some years ago. Remember that realigned slope? Well, there is a public lane alongside the garden which, obviously, is aligned to the original slope. Thus, the fence at the lower end of the garden is about ten feet high. No problem. I can stand on a stepladder to paint it, I reasoned. Uh oh. How do I reach my five litre tub of red chestnut fence paint? It’s a bit heavy to hold and there was no platform on the stepladder to rest it. I couldn’t go up and down my ladder every time I wanted to reload my brush with paint. What I needed was a butcher’s hook... That’s not rhyming slang; I really did need a butcher’s hook. You know? An S shaped hook that could hold the tub by its handle and then be hung on the fence. Ideal. Did I have one? Did I fu... No I didn’t. Could I get hold of one? Nope. Not many butchers around these days. Hmm...

The solution came to me in a flash. No it didn’t. I spent ages trying to come up with something to hold this rather heavy tub of shed paint. In the end I found an ideal alternative. We had a bracket that fitted over a door and could hold several clothes hangers. Perfect.

So, bracket in place with paint tub suspended, I began to paint the high parts. I say paint. It was more a case of slapping the paint on. Slap slap slap! Snap! I guess that a tub of paint is heavier than those clothes.

Unfortunately, the tub being rather full, the lane was now a rather fetching shade of red chestnut.

For the rest of that day I was busy swilling buckets and buckets of water over the affected area in a futile attempt to eradicate (That’s a good word; must look it up.) all traces of this unusual colour scheme. I say futile, because I was really only diluting the paint and the initial small area affected became the entire lane. Eventually, I gave up trying, allowing our wonderful rainy weather to deal with it.

To this day, there are traces of red chestnut paint down that lane.

Another time I was redecorating a bedroom. To allow me to get to the higher levels, my good old stepladder was used. Where could I put my almost full, 10 litre tub of magnolia emulsion? Obviously, I had learned my lesson regarding hooks. No, a good solid platform was what was required. I had a smaller set of steps which had a top step which was at a perfect height for me to place the tub allowing me to dip my brush into it while I was two steps up my stepladder.

All went well for... ooh, must have been at least five minutes. I was busy painting away. Not slap slapping, actually paint painting.

Then came the moment to move on from that bit of wall. I would have to get down off my stepladder and move it a little. I stepped off it. Did I tell you I was two steps up the ladder? You remembered that, did you? I wish I had. I misjudged it totally, thinking I was on the lowest step. Naturally, I reached out to grab something to stop me falling. An almost full, 10 litre tub of magnolia emulsion is not the best option.

I didn’t intend changing the bedroom carpet as part of the redecorating process...

Such escapades have made me extremely wary of going up any stepladders; I’m wobbly enough at ground level.

So, back to painting the summerhouse [Haven’t you finished it yet? - Ed.] Mrs G came up with the ingenious idea of using a paint roller. Yes, I know. Why the fu... Why on earth hadn’t I tried that already? I happen to prefer paint brushes, that’s all.

Any road up, we were in a large hardware store, let’s call it C & R, looking for nothing in particular and I spied the very dab... a paint roller attached to an extendable pole. Five minutes later, and 8 quids lighter, I was heading home to paint our sit-ootery in what I thought would be double quick time.

First impressions were good; I did a dry ‘roll’ of the highest section. Great. It reaches. And no stepladders required. Second impressions were not so good. I loaded the roller with paint... dark oak this time... and made the first sweep across the wood. What happened? The roller fell off the extendable pole. The roller was just the standard type and the pole tapered at the end to fit into the handle. Nothing too sophisticated. I assumed that I hadn’t pushed the roller handle onto the tapered end properly, so I reconnected it and made sure it was really secure. Second sweep? It fell off again.

Right. I’ll fix this, I thought. A cable tie should do the trick. Hang on. Nowhere to feed it through the tapered connector. No holes. Nor was there a hole on the roller handle. The new purchase got huffily thrown to the ground and I went into my shed (a real one, this time) and rooted about for something I could use.

I found an old bit of clothes pole which had a hole through it at one end and I found an old short handle roller which could fit on the end of it. This roller had holes which married up perfectly with that in the pole. A couple of cable ties later and I was up and running.

I thought I might have spotted a problem, though. The paint roller itself was just a short foam object of about an inch in diameter. This would take ages, I reckoned. How wrong could I be? Once dipped in the paint this little dark oaky brown sponge was just the right size for painting the strips of tongue and groove timber and the small diameter made it perfect for getting into the awkward areas. It’s appearance was deceiving; I mean, it looked just like a... yes... anyway, the pole was also perfect and long enough to allow me to reach the highest points.

I’ll tell you this... I won’t ever try painting a shed with a brush again... From now on, it’s a turd on a stick!

 

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Before the birthday honours I would just like to add my congratulations to the many already expressed to The Grambler’s favourite footballer, Andy Robertson, who has been given the captain’s armband for the Scotland team. It is an honour for anyone to achieve such recognition and I am certain, given Andy’s track record, he will make a great job of it.

There has been much in the news about Andy being released by Celtic when he was a teenager; the excuse at the time was that he was too small. Many have speculated what if... Would he have achieved so much if he had stayed with the boyos, or whatever they call themselves? I think not. I believe, had he remained at Celtic, he might have spent a few seasons on the subs bench before being made number one choice as left back.

As it was, on his release, he moved to Queen’s Park, the only amateur team in the senior leagues, and immediately made his mark. He played week in, week out and he got noticed. After only one season, he was already on the move. Dundee United swooped in for his services and he spent a season with them, again playing every game, before being transferred again.

Incidentally, I watched him play for the first time when Dundee United beat Motherwell. Guess who scored... That should have put me off him, but I realised he was an extremely gifted player.

Any road up, this time his move took him to sunny Hull where he spent a couple of years, again playing as number one choice.

When Liverpool bought him for £8 million, it was obvious to many that they had got the bargain of the year.

He has made the left back spot his own and has proved his worth so many times with his brilliant crosses into the box.

Returning to the Celtic release; for many young players, that could have been the make or break moment. Many would simply have given up on their aspirations to be a footballer. Not Andy. Apart from his enormous talent, Andy has another important quality: self belief.

So, well done Andy.  Although, after last night's showing against Belgium, it could turn out to be a bit of a poisoned chalice. 
 

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Were any famous or notorious people born on the 8th of September? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Richard I 1157 (The well-known king who had the first known animal to human heart transplant.), Antonín Dvořák 1841 (Composer. A clip? Why not. Uh oh, Hovis time... No, it really is Hovis time.), Siegfried Sassoon 1886 (Poet who famously and bravely criticised the continuation of the war in 1917...

I am making this statement as an act of wilful defiance of military authority because I believe that the war is being deliberately prolonged by those who have the power to end it. I am a soldier, convinced that I am acting on behalf of soldiers. I believe that the war upon which I entered as a war of defence and liberation has now become a war of aggression and conquest. I believe that the purposes for which I and my fellow soldiers entered upon this war should have been so clearly stated as to have made it impossible to change them and that had this been done the objects which actuated us would now be attainable by negotiation. I have seen and endured the sufferings of the troops and I can no longer be a party to prolonging these sufferings for ends which I believe to be evil and unjust. I am not protesting against the conduct of the war, but against the political errors and insincerities for which the fighting men are being sacrificed. On behalf of those who are suffering now, I make this protest against the deception which is being practised upon them; also I believe it may help to destroy the callous complacency with which the majority of those at home regard the continuance of agonies which they do not share and which they have not enough imagination to realise.

... He expected to be court-martialed and executed. Instead he was admitted to a military psychiatric hospital.), Jimmie Rodgers aka The Singing Brakeman aka The Blue Yodeler aka The Father of Country Music 1897 (Singer. Here’s some rare footage of him in a cheesy little film called - would you Adam and Eve it - The Singing Brakeman.), Harry Secombe 1921 (Comedian, actor and Singer. Here he is as Pickwick. Mr Sullivan, for your information, Secombe was Welsh, not English.), Sid Caesar 1922 (Comedian, it says here.), Peter Sellers 1925 (Actor. Have a joke... My name is Warrington Minge.), Patsy Cline 1932 (Singer/songwriter. Here is Patsy going for a late night walk.), Michael Frayn 1933 (Orfer.), Peter Maxwell Davies 1934 (Composer and conductor. Here is Farewell to Stromness.), Judith Hann 1942 (TV presenter.), Tim Gullikson and Tom Gullikson 1951 (Tennisy twins.), Aimee Mann 1960 (Musician.  Another clip, vicar?  She shoud've known.), David Steele 1960 (Bassist in The Beat and later Fine Young Cannibals.  Let's have a bit of ska.), Ray Wilson 1968 (Vocalist with Stiltskin and later Genesis. What shall we have for our clip... Let's go inside.), Gary Speed 1969 (Footy bloke.), David Arquette 1971 (Actor.), Martin Freeman 1971 (Ectaw.), Alecia Moore 1979 (Who? Oh... Pink. Have a clip, not a pill.) and João Moutinho 1986 (jogador de futebol.).

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grimbore,

It was interesting that you played a song by Stiltskin to represent Ray Wilson’s work. When I was at university, I used to enjoy the album he made when he was vocalist with Genesis. Unfortunately, I can’t remember the name of it. Can you help?

Yours with lots of love,

Colin Hall-Staish (Hons.).

 

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Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Not too badly. A £4.08 return from our £2.20 stake. Yay! A profit at last. What happened? Read on...

 

Brentford vs Nottingham F. - Prediction Home win

Result - Brentford 2 Nottingham Forest 1

Yay!

The hosts went closest to opening the scoring in a dominant opening period when Josh McEachran's low free-kick found Yoann Barbet, who shot just wide from inside the area.

In reply Forest striker Gil Dias tested Bees keeper Daniel Bentley, but he held the shot comfortably.

Brentford wanted a penalty when Lewis Macleod went down next but referee Peter Bankes showed him a yellow card for diving. Forest debutant Michael Hefele and Barbet were also booked in the melee that followed the decision.

The Bees continued to probe as Sergi Canos burst into the area but Costel Pantilimon saved the Spaniard's shot with his legs.

Seconds later, midfielder Romaine Sawyers found space on the edge of the box but drilled his shot wide of the target before McLeod broke the deadlock in added time.

Brentford almost doubled their lead in the opening seconds of the second half as Hefele misdirected a clearance towards his own goal, but Pantilimon was alert to palm it behind.

Forest boss Aitor Karanka's double change at the interval paid off as Matty Cash, on for Joe Lolley, squeezed his effort past Bentley from long range.

The visitors came into the contest as another substitute, Ben Osborn, also shot narrowly wide from 25 yards.

But the resilient Bees hit back through Ollie Watkins to secure the points.

 

Fleetwood vs Bradford - Prediction Home win

Result - Fleetwood 2 Bradford 1

Yay!

Referee Andy Haines had a busy first half, chalking off a Ched Evans effort for handball after just two minutes.

Evans soon got himself on the scoresheet, bundling home an Ashley Hunter cross from close range in the 12th minute.

Haines found himself in the thick of the action again as George Miller was ruled to have been fouled by Jason Holt.

That set the stage for Eoin Doyle to net, sliding the ball past Alex Cairns from the penalty spot in the 23rd minute.

Fleetwood had been in control up until that point and still looked the side most likely to go on and grab the three points but there was a potential momentum-swinging moment in the 43rd minute as Wes Burns was sent off for a strong tackle on Adam Chicksen.

Fleetwood refused to roll over and it was the 10 men who restored their lead just three minutes into the second half as Hunter pounced on an Evans centre.

 

Portsmouth vs Plymouth - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 3 Plymouth 0

Yay!

The hosts were electric from the first whistle and with only two minutes on the clock Jamal Lowe dragged his shot wide of the post.

Ronan Curtis then found the breakthrough in the 22nd minute when he was played in by Lowe before slotting his effort past goalkeeper Matt Macey.

Plymouth fought their way back into the match and almost equalised through Jamie Ness when his audacious strike was tipped over the bar.

But Lowe doubled Pompey's lead early on in the second half after getting on the end of exquisite cross from Curtis to nod the ball home in the 63rd minute.

And Curtis finished the rout six minutes later by shrugging off Gary Sawyer before beating Macey with a lethal strike from a narrowing angle.

 

Bury vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win

Result - Bury 3 Morecambe 2

Yay!

Bury went in front after 29 minutes when Adam Thompson tapped home a rebound after Chris Stokes' looping header had bounced down off the crossbar.

Morecambe replied nine minutes later with only their second goal of the season.

Rhys Oates tapped home from two yards after Bury goalkeeper Joe Murphy could only parry Andrew Fleming's shot into his path.

A minute before the break Bury regained the lead when Danny Mayor crossed in for Dominic Telford, who coolly side-footed home.

Chris Dagnall almost made it 3-1 to Bury on the hour mark when he fired into the side-netting.

Telford did grab Bury's third four minutes from the end, tapping home a measured low cross from Neil Danns.

Morecambe then grabbed a late second as Liam Mandeville curled home from 25 yards.

 

Aberdeen vs Kilmarnock - Prediction Home win

Result - Aberdeen 0 Kilmarnock 2

Boo!

Michael Devlin was sent off after just five minutes for pulling back Eamonn Brophy 30 yards from goal.

It was a decision which infuriated Aberdeen, with referee Craig Thomson deeming Devlin to be the last man. Thank you very much Mr Thomson; you ruined The Grambler’s chance of a clean sweep. Cheers.

Kilmarnock took full advantage with Brophy giving them the lead with a free-kick, before Greg Stewart ensured the three points when he chipped a second.

 

Blibbing referees spoiling good football games! Anyway, what has The Grambler come up with this week? Can he/she/it improve of that pretty good showing? Let’s see the predictions.

Game - Result - Odds

Blackpool vs Bradford - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Sunderland vs Fleetwood - Prediction Home win - 5/6

Bury vs Grimsby - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Forest Green vs Port Vale - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Northampton vs Cheltenham - Prediction Home win - 8/11

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£11.16

 

Hmm... Ten pees less whopping than last week.

 

 

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Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you how many of the current Premier League clubs have birds on their crests. There are six...

Brighton & Hove Albion - Seagull

Burnley - Stork

Cardiff City - Bluebird

Crystal Palace - Eagle

Liverpool - Liver bird

Tottenham Hotspur - Cockerel.

How about one for this week? Here’s a question relating to a famous manager. Who managed Carlisle United, Grimsby Town, Workington and Huddersfield Town before moving to the club which would define his career? Too easy?

 

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As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

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And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to two gentlemen who feature in this week’s birthday honours, Messrs H. Secombe and P. Sellers who, with comedy partner Spike Milligna, the well-known typing error, provide us with our finishing link. But first... a little story. The clip you will click, or the click you will clip, is probably the most famous Goons ‘song’ and was a top ten hit twice, reaching number 3 in 1956 and number 9 when it was re-released in 1973. You may notice that, although Sellers and Milligan sing throughout the song, Secombe only talks his words. Does this make him the original rapper? The reason for this seeming anomaly (Secombe having a fine tenor voice) was that he was contracted as a singer to Phillips Records; the Goons’ material was published by Decca and Phillips objected to him singing for another company. They did not, however, object to him talking. There you go. Educational this is. So, ladeez and genullum, let’s end with The Ying Tong Song.

 

Blimey, Posh and Becks have let themselves go.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.