Week 8 - Grambling on redeployment

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Coronavirus seems to be affecting every aspect of life these days. Many jobs will go and many people will have to switch careers until everything sorts itself out. Until now, the one business which has been making hay while the sun shines was funeral care, or, to use the technical term, planting stiffs. Cruel of me to say that, I know, but they certainly must have been doing well out of the extra deaths. Presumably, the one job vacancy down at the local jobcentre has been for funeral staff. What happens when things get back to (a semblance of) normality?

Those extra staff won’t be needed. I wonder what else they might be qualified to do...

‘Hello, I bought this toaster and it won’t work any more.’

‘Oh, I am sorry to hear that, sir. You have my deepest sympathy.’

‘Er... Why are you tilting your head to one side?’

‘It is my way of displaying sympathy, sir. The toaster. It has ceased to work, you say?’

‘Yes, it was working and then it just ‘died’ on me.’

‘That must have been heart-breaking for you. So sudden. What was the toaster’s name, sir?’

‘Erm... it was a Kenwood.’

‘And how old was Ken?’

‘Er... About three months.’

‘So young, sir.’

‘You’re tilting your head again.’

‘So sorry sir. We will of course do everything we can to help you through your tragic loss of one so young.’

‘I only want a replacement...’

‘Indeed. It is quite normal for you to wish you could replace... Ken.’

‘Erm... Thanks.’

‘We will make Ken’s passing as easy as possible for you.’

‘I mean he... it was a great toaster before it conked out.’

‘We prefer to use the term passed on, sir.’

‘Head... tilt.’

‘Sorry sir. We will do everything to help Ken on his final journey. Box?’

‘Sorry?’

‘You’ll need to choose one sir.’

‘What, you mean like oak?’

‘No sir. What colour? For your replacement toaster. It tells you on the box.’

‘Oh... Sorry. The blue one, please.’

‘There you are sir. I hope this hasn’t been too traumatic for you... Oh, I’m tilting my head again.’

‘No. No. You’ve been most kind and understanding. There was one thing...’

‘Yes, sir?’

‘I wonder if I could have Ken’s plug... to remember him by.’

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 19th of September? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Arthur, Prince of Wales 1486 (The man who, had he lived to be king, would have altered history. How so? He was Henry VIII’s big bruv. Think of it... no fights between different factions of the Christian Church; no Orange walks; the complete absence of bowler hats in modern culture.), Thomas Cavandish 1560 (‘The Navigator’. An explorer. He was knoghted... knoghted?... knighted by Queen Betty for stealing Spanish gold. So, pirate, in reality.), George Cadbury 1839 (Guess which company he founded.), William Lever 1851 (Guess what company he and his brother James founded.), Ben Turpin 1867 (Comedy actor. Factoid: Famous for his crossed eyes, he insured them in 1928 for $100,000 ($6.3 million value today) against ‘uncrossing’.), Christopher Stone 1882 (Early DJ. Factoid: On joining Radio Luxemburg in 1934, he was paid £5000 per year. That is worth 360 grand in 2020. Nice little earner.), Ferdinand ‘Ferry’ Porsche 1909 (Engineer.), Arthur Mullard 1910 (Comedy actor. Factoid: His jolly cockney character was very much at odds to his real self; a history of (alleged) domestic violence against his wife and (alleged) sexual abuse of his daughter came to light after his death.), William Golding 1911 (Orfer. Lord of the Flies was perhaps his most famous work.), Frances Farmer 1913 (Troubled actress.), Billy Ward (Singer. With his Dominoes he had this, his only, Yuk hit, Stardust which any fan of the film Goodfellas should recognise.), Emil Zátopek 1922 (Sportovec.), Pete Murray 1925 (DJ. I can’t find out how much he earned.), Rosemary Harris 1927 (Actress. Aunt May Parker in Spiderman, Spiderman 2 and Spiderman 3. Her. [Why not just say Spidermen? - Ed.]), William Hickey 1927 (Jobbing actor. Don Corrado Prizzi in Pritzi’s Hono(u)r was perhaps his best-known role.), Nick Massi (A Season. Have a clip. Here’s Big Girl's Blouse or something.), Adam West 1928 (Actor. Guess what he was famous for. Here’s a clue: Dinna dinna dinna dinna dinna dinna dinna dinna... [Dinnerladies? - Ed.]), Derek Nimmo 1930 (Comedy actor. Seemed to corner the market in naive clerics. Oh, golly gosh.), Brook Benton 1931 (Singer. Have a clip. Here’s Endlessly.), Derek Gardner 1931 (Formula One designer. Came up with the Tyrell P34, a six-wheeled F1 racer.), Lol Coxhill 1932 (Saxophonist Here’s Frog Dance ), David McCallum 1933 (Ectaw. Illya Kuryakin in The Man from U.N.C.L.E. television series and five follow-up films.), Brian Epstein 1934 (The most famous band manager ever.), Austin Mitchell 1934 (Journo turned politician.), Anna Karen 1936 (Olive in On the Buses. Erm... That’s it.), Frank Barrie 1936 or 1940 (Ectaw. Edward Bishop in Eastenders. Him.), Bill Medley 1940 (A Righteous Brother. Here’s the obvious clip... You never close your eyes...), Paul Williams 1940 (Singer/songwriter. He usually writes songs for others to have hits with, but here he is out in the country ), Caroline John 1940 (Actress. Liz Shaw in Doctor Who. Her.), Zandra Rhodes 1940 (Woman with pink hair.), Cass Elliot 1941 (A Mama. Have a clip. It’s getting better it's getting better she reckons. Wonderful what a dab of Savlon can do.), Freda Payne 1942 (Singer/actress. Here’s her anti-war song, Bring The Boys Home.  Powerful images.  Untied States of America? Nothing to do with me.), Ray Cooper 1942 (Percussionist to the stars.), Kate Adie 1945 (Posh journo.), John Coghlan 1946 (Drummy bloke. Let’s have some Quo. All together now... A here we are and here we are and here we go...), Michael Elphick 1946 (Actor. Boon. Him.), Lol Creme 1947 (Musician. A quarter of 10CC [Two and a half cc. Point to me. - Ed.] Sigh... Let’s have a clip.  Here's The Worst Band in the World.), Mick Bates 1947 (Footy Bloke.), Jeremy Irons 1948 (Ectaw. Charles Ryder in Brideshead Revisited. Him.), Dame Lesley Lawson 1949 (Who? Oh, Twiggy. Her.), Nile Rodgers 1952 (Guitarist, singer/songwriter, record producer, arranger and, with Bernard Edwards, the founder of Chic... Everybody dance.  Is that possible in a 3-piece suit?), Mark Drakeford 1954 (Welsh First Minister.), David Bamber 1954 (Jobbing actor. He’s been in loadsa stuff on TV. He’s been in Midsomer Murders three times. Different characters, mind. Not sure if they all got bumped off.), George McCluskey 1957 (Fitba guy.), Rusty Egan 1957 (Drummy bloke. Here’s Rich Kids with... erm... Rich Kids.), Lita Ford 1958 (Musician. She used to be a Runaway [Del Shannon! Another point to me. - Ed.] Ahem. Have a Shot of Poison.), Richard Ridings 1958 (Jobbing actor. Has never been in Midsomer Murders. He is the voice of Daddy Pig in Peppa Pig.), David Seaman 1963 (Footie bloke.), Jarvis Cocker 1963 (A significant bit of Pulp. Always good for a laugh here is a star-studded video... Bad Cover Version.  Brian May looks familiar.), Terry Sue-Patt 1964 (Actor. Benny Green in Grange Hill.), Patrick Marber 1964 (Comedian.), Clifford Price 1965 (Who? Known better as graffiti artist, musician, producer, DJ, actor and right old smarty boots, Goldie. Have a clip. Here’s Inner City Life.), Sally Ann Matthews 1970 (Actress. Jenny Connor nee Bradley in Corrie. Her.), Tasha Danvers 1977 (Afflete.), Danielle Brent 1979 (Actress. Natalie Buxton in Bad Girls. Her.), Liam Boyle 1985 (Jobbing actor. Dominic Bailey in Scott & Bailey. Him.), Chris Humphrey 1987 (Footie mon. Ex-Motherwell.), Ben Heneghan 1993 (Football bloke. Ex-Motherwell.), Connor Swindells 1996 (Actor. Adam Goff in Sex Education. Him.), Nicky Cadden 1996 (Fitba guy and twin brother of...) Chris Cadden 1996 (Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell.).

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear The Naked Grambler,

Hello, It’s Eddie here. I’m in a bit of pain after my dog, Wizard, pulled a bit too hard on his lead and I ended up arse over tip. Anyway, that’s enough of my problems; I’m actually writing to ask a question about Jarvis Cocker’s group, Pulp. I remember their hits Common People and Disco 2000, but vaguely recall there being a big hit in between those. I cannot, for the life of me, remember the title; can you help?

Yours painfully,

Sore Ted Fauries (and Wiz).

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Time to gramble. What has The Grambler predicted for us this week after his/her/its less than sparkling performance last week?

Game - Prediction - Odds

Leeds vs Fulham - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Blackburn vs Wickham - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Brentford vs Huddersfield - Prediction Home win - 8/15

Norwich vs Preston - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Carlisle vs Southend - Prediction Home win - 8/11

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...

 

8 quid

That is mince. 8 quid? Hardly worth putting your shoes on to walk to your local crook bookie.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! How did you get on with your five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1974. My entire playing career was spent at Manchester United (I was one of Fergie’s Fledglings) and played over 700 games for them. I was capped for my country 66 times. Thierry Henry cited me as the greatest player in Premier League history.

Answer: Paul Scholes

2. Which Frenchman played the most times in the Premier League with 469 appearances?

Answer: Sylvain Distin with 469 appearances

3. Which team was promoted to the Premier League in 1994 and finished third in its first season?

Answer: Newcastle United

4. Who is the youngest ever Premier League debutant (16 years and 65 days)?

Answer: Matthew Briggs who made his debut for Fulham against Middlesbrough in 2007 aged just 16 years and 65 days. Fulham l

5. A fun one to finish. Name the seven clubs with ‘ford’ in their name that have played in the English League.

Answer: Bradford City, Bradford Park Avenue, Brentford, Hereford United, Oxford United, Salford City and Watford

 

Five for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1935. My senior career began in 1955 at Middlesbrough. In six seasons, I played 213 games scoring 197 goals. In 1961 I moved to Sunderland, playing 61 games and scoring 54 goals. I was forced to retire as a player because of injury aged just 29. I moved into management and the rest, as they say, is history.

2. Which club has spent the most seasons in the fourth flight of English football (ie. Current Division 2, formerly Division 4)

3. Which Danish player has scored the most Premier League goals?

4. Which Scot has scored the most goals in the Scottish Premier League?

5. Another silly one to finish. Try this without resorting to the league tables. How many teams in the four senior English leagues have ‘ham’ in their name and who are they?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, also take the time to click on this link, an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr M. Eavis. Who, I hear you ask. Michael Eavis is the man behind arguably the most important festival on the UK music calendar. 50 years ago, today, the very first Glastonbury Festival began. That first day was tinged with some sadness as one of the world’s greatest rock guitarists, Jimi Hendrix, died the previous day. The poster for that first event is shown below. A quid? Crikey! Did he think folks were made of money? I am joking, of course. That amount equates to less than £16 in today’s money. Some line-up for that amount of dosh. There have been some unusual ‘acts’ at the festivals over the years... Dalai Lama anyone? Matt Smith aka Doctor Who made an appearance. Tony Benn was another. None of these people actually performed any music [Obviously. - Ed.] but to end this week’s edition of your favourite ill-informed blog, this lot  appeared in 2011.

This year's tickets were to cost £270 inc. £5 booking fee.  Allowing for inflation, that is about 17 times the cost of the original gig.  Maybe, with all the health and safety that has to be considered, prices would go up but, come on, 17 times?  Someone, somewhere, is making a lot of dosh out of music lovers.

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 7 - The masked Grambler

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be cacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

Who'd have thought we would be going into a bank while wearing a mask and making them give us money?

These are strange days indeed. We are finally catching up with the rest of the world and realising that by wearing a mask we can afford ourselves some protection against contracting Covid 19.

It is compulsory here in the Yuk to wear a mask on public transport and in shopping areas... basically, a mask should be worn wherever there is the possibility of contact with other people.

There is a killer disease on the loose that seems to be passed on very easily, so everyone should be sensible and follow the guidelines. Yes? But does everyone wear a mask? Do they f... No they don't.

Now, I understand that a few people have breathing difficulties so wearing a mask is not possible. They are given special dispensation and allowed to go about their business without mask wearing.  Why?  Such people are already termed as at risk so, by going to places where there are other people, they are at even greater risk. If you can’t wear a mask, stay at home. Right? Right.

The same non-wearing-of-a-mask rule applies to children under the age of twelve for some odd reason. Why twelve I don't understand. Obviously younger kids are unaware of what is going on and would probably refuse to wear a mask. However, there are some very style conscious eight year olds who would just love the chance to wear the same glittery mask that someone like Ariana Grande wears... some of the girls as well.

Any road up, there must be a lot of asthmatic teenagers about. Hardly any young people abide by the rules.  Why are they so averse to wearing masks?  They're trendy now, aren't they? Obviously not to teenagers. They probably think that they won't be affected too much if they were to contract the virus so why bother wearing a mask.

Fine and dandy if you are fit and healthy before contracting the virus; it's not so good to those older folk who the thoughtless granny murderers might pass the virus on to. 

Odder than the folk who refuse to wear a mask, are those people who have masks on, but they are not covering their faces... Their chins must be nice and protected, though... If you aren't going to wear the thing correctly, it might as well not be there. See above, re non-mask wearing.

Shop employees should all wear masks, we are told. Good. It means that they should remain safe and those around them should also be safe. But, even they can’t wear the blibbing things properly. Yes, you’ve covered your mouth. Well done. Now cover your nose as well. And as for those visor things that look like they’ve been cut from a clear plastic bottle, what is the point? At least, what is the point if that is your only concession to protecting your face? Wear a visor and a mask, not a visor or a mask. In fact, wear as much face protection as possible if you are in a business where meeting people goes with the job.

My view on the whole mask debate (Ahem) is that if anyone of any age wants to go to places where people are gathering they should be wearing a mask. No exceptions. If you are exempted from wearing a mask then don't go to such places. Your safety, and the safety of others, is being put at risk, so don't chance it.

Some people just can’t get the hang it though...

No, Gareth.  Don't be silly.

.....oooOooo.....

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 12th of September? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Herbert Asquith 1852 (The well-known prime minister.), Maurice Chevalier 1888 (Artiste. Here he sings about his apple.), Jesse Owens 1913 (Runny jumpy bloke.), Desmond Llewelyn 1914 (Actor. Q in the early Bond films. Him.), Freddie Jones 1927 (Actor. Sandy Thomas in Emmerdale. Him.), Ian Holm 1931 (Actor. Bilbo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings. Him.), Len Allchurch 1933 (Footy bloke isn’t it.), Wes Hall 1937 (Crickety mon.), Judy Clay 1938 (Singer. Had one big Yuk hit; a duet with William Bell, Private Number. However, here’s a rare film clip of You Busted My Mind.  Incidentally, she’s not Dionne Warwick’s sister.), Patrick Mower 1938 (Actor. Rodney Blackstock in Emmerdale. Him.), Linda Gray (Actress. Sue Ellen Ewing in Dallas. Her.), Maria Muldaur 1943 (Singer, best known for sending her camel to bed.), Barry White 1944 (The Walrus of Lurve. Have a clip. Here’s Let the Music Play and you can sing along in Spanish if the mood takes you.), Colin Young 1944 (Singer. A Foundation. Here’s Build Me Up Buttercup.  Some dodgy outfits on that footage.), Colin Boulton 1945 (Footy bloke.), David Garrick 1945 (Singer. A clip? Why not. Here’s Dear Mrs Applebee.  Ye gods!), Christopher Neame 1947 (Actor. Lieutenant Dick Player... Stop sniggering at the back... in Colditz. Him.), Will Birch 1948 (A Kursaal Flyer. Have a clip. Here’s the, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, Little Does She Know.  They seem to be multi-tasking and doing their laundry during the concert.), B(rian) A(lexander) Robertson 1948 (Singer/songwriter. Here’s his biggest hit, Bang Bang Factoid: He won an Ivor Novello Award for the Mike and the Mechanics song The Living Years which he co-wrote with Mike Rutherford.), Neil Peart 1952 (Rush drummy bloke. Have a clip; here’s New World Man.  What’s with everyone doing their washing on stage?), Robin Langford 1953 (Jobbing actor. One of those faces that seemed to crop up in bit parts everywhere in the seventies.), Barry Siddall 1954 (Footy bloke. In a 23 year career played for 13 different Football League clubs.), Barry Andrews 1956 (Musician. Here’s an oddity for you, apparently you could win a night out with a well-known paranoiac.  Hmm... I wonder if Damon Albarn heard that before coming up with Parklife.), Rachel Ward 1957 (Actress. Meggie Cleary in The Thorn Birds. Her.), Felicity Montagu 1960 (Actress. Perhaps her most famous role is that of Alan Partridge’s personal assistant, Lynn.), Ben Folds 1966 (Musician. Have another clip. Here’s Battle of Who Could Care Less.), Kenny Thomas 1968 (Singer who is thinking about your love.), Gideon Emery 1972 (Jobbing actor. Deucalion in Teen Wolf. Him.), Darren Campbell 1973 (Runny bloke.), Darren Morfitt 1973 (Jobbing actor. Shay in Jericho. Him.), Ameet Chana 1975 (Actor. Adi in Eastenders. Him.), James McCartney 1977 (Musician. Guess who his dad is. Here he performs Angel.), Stacey Roca 1978 (Actress. DS Katrina Howard in Waking the Dead. Her.), Steven Caldwell 1980 (Fitba guy.), Rob Kendrick 1985 (Actor. Ollie in After Hours. Him.), Joanne Jackson 1986 (Swimmy bloke.), Alfie Allen 1986 (Actor. Theon Greyjoy in Game of Thrones. Him.), Tom Hateley 1989 (Football bloke. Ex-Motherwell player, you know.) and Mhairi Black 1994 (Politician.),

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Russ Gramblyn,

Good to hear the Walrus of Lurve again. I have a teaser for you. What Elvis Presley song did Barry White release under the pseudonym Gene West?

Yours quizzically,

Ian De Gettoe.

.....oooOooo.....

Time to gramble. Yes. Definitely. This weekend sees the start of the English 2020-21 football season. Yay! About time too, says I. Anyway, as this week’s edition is running a little late, I can give you the bets as predicted by The Grambler and the results... probably not as predicted by The Grambler. So here goes, let the grambling commence...

First prediction: Barnsley vs Luton Town - Prediction Home win

Result: Barnsley 0 Luton Town 1

Boo!

James Collins' late effort helped Luton Town to a scrappy win over Barnsley at Oakwell. In a game of few chances, Collins broke the deadlock in the 71st minute, beating Tykes keeper Jack Walton from just inside the penalty area.

The 29-year-old raced onto a Pelly-Ruddock Mpanzu [That’s easy for you to say. - Ed.] headed pass, before finding the top corner to give Luton a late lead.

Barnsley nearly levelled moments later but debutant Dominik Frieser headed Alex Mowatt's cross into the side-netting as Luton held on to all three points.

Next: Bournemouth vs Blackburn Rovers - Prediction Home win

Result: Bournemouth 3 Blackburn Rovers 2

Yay!

Arnaut Danjuma's brilliant late goal gave Bournemouth victory over Blackburn Rovers.

Jack Stacey put the hosts ahead with a fine strike from distance, before Bradley Johnson levelled when his shot from even further out slipped through the dive of Cherries keeper Mark Travers.

Jefferson Lerma's neat finish restored Bournemouth's lead, but Blackburn deservedly hit back through Adam Armstrong.

However, Danjuma's curling effort into the far corner clinched victory to give Bournemouth a boost after a difficult summer.

Next up: Fleetwood vs Burton Albion - Prediction Home win

Result: Fleetwood 2 Burton 1

Yay!

 Paddy Madden struck 11 minutes from time to secure Fleetwood victory over Burton.

The hosts led at the break through Callum Camps, who drilled in after Burton had failed to clear a Josh Morris' corner.

Burton drew level midway through the second half, John Brayford heading in for a goal that was only awarded after a lengthy debate between the officials.

After falling behind early on, the visitors' Stephen Quinn rattled the crossbar on the half-hour mark. Moments later Fleetwood also hit the goal frame, James Hill seeing his header crash against the post.

In the second half Hill headed another chance against the bar and Kieran Wallace cleared the follow-up off the line.

Brayford's goal had looked like salvaging a point for the visitors but Madden struck a deserved winner late on.

Burton finished with 10 men after John-Joe O'Toole was dismissed for a reckless challenge on Duffy deep into stoppage time.

Number 4: Portsmouth vs Shrewsbury Town - Prediction Home win

Result: Portsmouth 0 Shrewsbury Town 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Only a stunning late save from goalkeeper Craig MacGillivray four minutes from time - acrobatically palming away a powerful close-range effort from Rekeil Pike - denied Shrewsbury all three points.

Yet Portsmouth could have stolen the win themselves as captain Tom Naylor saw a header fly over via the crossbar.

It was the visitors, who had Aaron Pierre sent off in stoppage time, who came closest to breaking the deadlock in the first half.

Pompey struggled to cope with set-pieces all afternoon and, from a corner, midfielder Brad Walker thumped a header against a post.

When Portsmouth did get a shot on target they were kept out by Shrewsbury's impressive goalkeeper Matija Sarkic.

Sarkic denied the home side twice in the second half, clutching Naylor's 18-yard volleyed effort and then pushing Lee Brown's free-kick around a post four minutes into stoppage time after Pierre had been dismissed for a second yellow card.

Lastly: Sunderland vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Home win

Result: Sunderland 1 Bristol Rovers 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Chris Maguire struck with eight minutes to go to earn Sunderland a draw against Bristol Rovers at the Stadium of Light.

Rovers had threatened to leave with three points after taking the lead in the third minute from a penalty converted by Rovers' left-back Luke Leahy.

The Pirates won a penalty with just 90 seconds on the clock when Sunderland goalkeeper Lee Burge hauled down Jayden Mitchell-Lawson having failed to hold Max Ehmer's header.

After the break, Sunderland tested goalkeeper Anssi Jaakkola, who had to make a couple of strong stops to deny Maguire and George Dobson.

But Maguire levelled things up with a powerful drive from the edge of the area.

After that, Max Power's 25-yard drive was tipped onto the post and he then had an effort cleared off the line by Mark Little.

Dobson's red card for a strong challenge on Mitchell-Lawson in the sixth minute of stoppage time effectively ended Sunderland's push for a winner.

So, two out of five correct for The Grambler... Not a great start to the season. For our £2.20 bet (10 x 20p doubles plus 1 x 20p accumulator) we netted the princely sum of... fanfare please...

£0.78

Cue fanfare subsiding into a series of squeaks and parping noises.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time. Yay! How did you get on with your five questions? Here are the answers to the last five.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1947 in Amsterdam. I was taken on by Ajax when I was aged 10 and stayed with them for 16 years. I played 276 games during two spells at the club and scored over 200 goals. I won the Ballon d’Or three times. I was capped 48 times for the Netherlands, but refused to play in the 1978 World Cup finals in protest at the Argentine dictator Jorge Videla.

Answer: Johan Cruyff (or Joanne Cruff as Jack Charlton always called him)

2. Which father and son have each played over 200 games in the Premier League?

Answer: Peter and Kasper Schmeikel

3. Which English club has twice reached the final of the UEFA Cup/Europa League, losing on both occasions?

Answer: Arsenal

4. Which striker has scored the most goals for Manchester City?

Answer: Sergio Agüero [And eaten the most ears. - Ed.]

5. Who has been manager of the most Premier League clubs?

Answer: Sam Allerdyce

Okay, some for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1974. My entire playing career was spent at Manchester United (I was one of Fergie’s Fledglings) and played over 700 games for them. I was capped for my country 66 times. Thierry Henry cited me as the greatest player in Premier League history.

2. Which Frenchman played the most times in the Premier League with 469 appearances?

3. Which team was promoted to the Premier League in 1994 and finished third in its first season?

4. Who is the youngest ever Premier League debutant (16 years and 65 days)?

5. A fun one to finish. Name the seven clubs with ‘ford’ in their name that have played in the English League.

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

.....oooOooo.....

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

Please, also take the time to click on this link, an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr T. Bangalter and a Mr G-M de... some other bloke... who provide us with our final clip. Unlike Mr Bale, these two French gentlemen show us how face protection ought to be worn. Ladeez and genullum, please give a big grambly welcome to Daft Punk with Robot Rock.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

Happy grambling.

Weeks 5/6 - The Grambler - Racist?

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be cacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

Today's topic begins with a history lesson [Yawn. Wake me up when you've finished. - Ed.] and it's a bit political. Actually, it's not; it's very political. And it's a bit racist. Ooer. It concerns the interesting state of Scottish politics [You seem to be confusing the word interesting with tedious. - Ed.]. In the past, Scotland's politics were simply this... if you lived in an industrial environment, you voted Labour; if you lived in a rural farming area, you voted Liberal and if you lived in the posh bits, you voted Conservative.

Since most Scots lived in busy industrial towns and cities, the majority of MPs in Scotland were of socialist persuasion. There were a few Tories and barely a handful of Liberals.

Scotland was viewed as a Labour stronghold. It was suggested that Labour could field a collie dog and still win.

However, in 1967 an upstart party joined the fray and a lady called Winnie Ewing became a member of parliament for the political party known as the Scottish National Party. Actually, the SNP had been in existence for over 30 years at this point, it just hadn't quite had the necessary support to elect an MP until Winnie came along.

As the years went by, the SNP made a few inroads but, generally, the Labour vote stayed strong and it was the Tories and Liberals (later to merge with another upstart political party called the Social Democratic Party to become the Liberal Democrats) that tended to lose seats to the new party.

By the time Scotland achieved its devolved parliament in 1999, the SNP was the second force in Scottish politics.

Only eight years later SNP had become the strongest political party and Alex Salmond was sworn in as Scotland's First Minister in a minority Scottish parliament. In the last general election such was the overwhelming support, SNP won 48 of the 59 seats available.

That is a brief outline of the SNP rise to prominence. What it doesn't explain though is why the once dominant Labour party's vote share disappeared.

I have the answer. [You bloody would have. - Ed.] The problem lies, not with the party shifting from its working-class roots in order to attract the more affluent voter. It does not have anything to do with Labour's stance on Brexit (although that is an excuse touted by labour MSPs).

It does have everything to do with the people chosen to lead the party... in my view, I should add. Since Jack McConnell stood down as Labour leader, there has been a succession of mediocrities (is that a word?) in charge. They have lacked the charisma needed to attract voters. I may not like Boris, but I acknowledge that he is charismatic... if you like bumbling buffoons with crazy hairdos.

The current Labour leader in Scotland, Richard Leonard is different though and does have some of that magic charisma. He is young(ish), he is a good orator, his views are more left wing and he has a floppy hairstyle. What more could you want?

His minions don't agree. Labour MSPs are calling for him to resign. Why? What has he done to annoy them? Probably, nothing; they just know that if he is in charge come next year's Scottish parliament elections, Labour will be routed.

Why do they think this? None of those politicians will be brave enough to say it, but I will. They dare not mention the E word. Sorry pardon excuse me?

The problem with Richard Leonard is not that he is a bad politician, but that he is (whisper it) English. Okay, I sound racist by saying that, but let me explain.

Anyone who knows a bit about Scottish history will know that relations between Scotland and England have never run particularly smoothly. Scots have always seen themselves as the underdog in the union. I'm generalising but, basically, the Scots hate the English. There. I've said it. Almost half of the votes in the independence referendum of 2014 were for a break from English rule... and it is English rule. Not Welsh. Not Irish. English. However, in the Brexit referendum of 2016, Scots voted in favour of staying in the European union. Thus, more Scots prefer alignment with countries other than England. Probably any other country would do. Am I right? Course I am.

So, if Labour wants to even start to try and win back some of those voters it has lost to the SNP, it needs to do it with a charismatic Scot at the helm. Or Welsh. Or Irish. French, German, Belgian... anything but English.

Let’s finish with a very old gag...

God is in Heaven, putting the finishing touches to a new planet he is designing. Archangel Gabriel comes to have a look.

‘That looks interesting,’ says Gabby, ‘What is it?’

‘This is my latest planet and it’s called Earth.’ says God.

‘What’s that lovely looking part there called?’ says Gab, pointing.

‘That land there is called Scotland.’ answers God.

‘So green with gorgeous scenery.’

‘Yes, I am rather proud of it. Not only that, it will have a perfect mix of weather that will be superb for growing things.’

‘Sounds terrific. What are the inhabitants going to be like?’

‘They will be hard-working, happy and friendly.’

‘Anything else?’

‘Well, the mix of fair weather and good climate will be just right for making this marvellous drink. Here, try some...’

‘Oh, that is good. What is it?’

‘I’ve called it ‘the water of life’ - whisky.’

‘That is fantastic... Here, God, I’ve just thought of something... Beautiful landscape; excellent weather; friendly, happy folk; this marvellous drink... Are you not making life just a bit too perfect for the people?’

‘Ah, I’ve thought about that...’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Wait ’til you see the neighbours.’

Boom and, I think I can say without fear of contradiction, tish!

.....oooOooo.....

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 29th of August? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Ingrid Bergman 1915 (Actress... ‘Play it Sam.’), Anthony Crosland 1918 (Politician.), Gladys Mills 1918 (Who? Oh... Mrs Mills, the famous singalong joanna player. Factoid: Her ‘honky tonk’ piano is still in the Abbey Road recording studio and was famously used by Paul McCartney on songs such as Lady Madonna. Wasn’t that interesting? No? Please yourselves. Let's have a party.), Charlie Parker 1920 (Musician. Here he is doing a bit of bird watching.), Richard Attenborough 1923 (Luvvie.), Dinah Washington 1924 (Singer. Have a clip. Here’s Teach Me Tonight.), Peter Miles 1928 (Jobbing actor. Wore a dodgy-looking syrup.), Charles Gray 1928 (Ectaw, dear leddie. Blofeld in Diamonds Are Forever. Him.), Susan Shaw 1929 (Jobbing actress. In loads of British film comedies in the fifties. You’d recognise her. You would.), William Friedkin 1935 (Film maker.), John McCain 1936 (U.S. politician famous for his chips.), Elliot Gould 1938 (Actor.), Joel Schumacher 1939 (Film maker.), Tony Palmer 1941 (Film maker.), Chris Steele 1942 (TV doctor.), Tony Dron 1946 (Racey car bloke and journo.), James Hunt 1947 (Racey car bloke. Guess what his nickname was. It rhymes with Hunt [Steady... - Ed.] It was Hunt the Shunt. [Phew. - Ed.]), Simon House 1948 (Jobbing musician. Here he helps out Nik Turner on Time Crypt.), Geoff Whitehorn 1951 (Another jobbing musician. |If, Crawler and Procol Harum are three bands he has been associated with. Here he is making it funky (I said funky.)), Gaye Advert 1956 (An Advert. Let’s have a bit of good old punk...This is Great British Mistake.), Michael Jackson 1958 (Singer remembered for all the wrong reasons, these days. Let’s just remember him for what he was good at.  Here's Black or White... sums him up nicely.), Lenny Henry 1958 (Comedian, it says here.), Eddi Reader 1959 (Singer/songwriter. A clip? Why not. Here’s Bell, Book and Candle.), Steve Clarke 1963 (Footy managery type bloke.), Elizabeth Fraser 1963 (A Cocteau Twin. Have a clip. Here’s the beautiful Carolyn's Fingers.), Frances Ruffelle 1965 (Actress/singer. Represented the Yuk in 1994’s Euro-wotsit song doo dah. Here’s We Will Be Free (Lonely Symphony).), Alex Riley 1968 (TV presenter.), Joe Swail 1969 (Snookery bloke.), Nathan King 1970 (Musician. A bit of Level 42. Have a clip. Here’s The Sun Goes Down (Livin' it up).), Alex Griffin 1971 (A bit of Ned’s Atomic Dustbin.  Happy?), Phil Harvey 1976 (Coldplay’s manager.), Jamie Bruce 1976 (Fitba guy. Born in Polomint City.), Philip Cunningham aka Firebrand Boy 1986 (Chiptune musician. Here’s The Metropolitan.), Charlotte Ritchie 1989 (Actress/singer. Oregan in Fresh Meat. Her. Also a member of All Angels. Let’s have a clip. Here’s Songbird.) and Liam Payne 1993 (A bit of One Direction. Here’s a solo effort when they all went different directions... Bedroom Floor.).

And now... September the 5th

Louis XIV 1638 (The well-known king. Known as the Sun King. Reigned for 72 years and 110 days, still the longest of any European monarch. Mind you, if Betty can hold out for another four years or so, she could overtake him.), Johann Christian Bach 1735 (Composer. Son of J.S. A clip? Here’s the snappily titled Harpsichord Concerto No. 1 in D minor BWV 1052.), John Wisden 1826 (Founder of the cricketers’ almanac that bears his name.), Jesse James 1847 (The well-known baddie.), William Friese-Greene 1855 (Motion picture pioneer.), Stuart Hibberd 1893 (Radio presenter. ‘The King’s life is moving peacefully towards its close.’), Norman Pierce 1900 (Jobbing actor. Seemed to corner the role of pub landlord in films made from the thirties to 1960.), Darryl F. Zanuck 1902 (Film mogul. Founded 20th Century Pictures with Joseph Schenk.), Arthur Koestler 1905 (Orfer and journo.), Bernard Delfont 1909 (Theatrical impressario.), John Cage 1912 (Composer... or should that be prankster? He is best known for his ‘work’ 4’33” which is just over four and a half minutes of... silence. Here is Wikipedia’s explanation... ‘The content of the composition is not "four minutes and 33 seconds of silence," as is often assumed, but rather the sounds of the environment heard by the audience during performance. The work's challenge to assumed definitions about musicianship and musical experience made it a popular and controversial topic both in musicology and the broader aesthetics of art and performance.’ That, to us individuals less enlightened in the complexities of the composition, is more succinctly summarised as being, basically, a load of old camel poo.), Malcolm Allison 1927 (Footy bloke. Managed 15 clubs... some of them twice.), Bob Newhart 1929 (Comedian. Gzorgnblat.), Kevin McNamara 1934 (Politician.), Johnny Briggs 1935 (Actor. Mike Baldwin in Coronation Street. Him.), Dick Clement 1937 (Scriptwriter.), Geraldine Moffat 1939 (Jobbing actress. Name a TV drama from the sixties and seventies; she was probably in it.), Raquel Welch 1940 (Actress.), Werner Herzog 1942 (Film maker.), Al Stewart 1945 (Musician. Have a clip. Here’s Old Admirals ), Christian Rodska 1945 (Jobbing actor. Name a drama from the seventies onwards...), Mick Underwood 1945 (Jobbing drummer. Here he is with Quatermass and Gemini.), Louden Wainwright III 1946 (Singer/songwriter. Here’s a song that Eddi Reeder later covered... The Swimming Song.), Freddie Mercury 1946 (Singer/songwriter. How about a clip? So many to choose from... Let’s have an early Queen toon; Brighton Rock and you can sing along, as well.), Thomas McAleese aka Dean Ford 1946 (Singer. Here he is with Marmalade with Reflections of My Life.), Mel Collins 1947 (Musician. Here he is with Camel giving it laldy on the saxophone on a track called Lunar Sea (Geddit?)), Clem Clempson 1949 (Geetarist. Have a bit of blues.), Michael Keaton 1951 (Actor. Betelgeuse in Beetlejuice. Him.), Stephen Greenhorn 1964 (Writer. Created River City and Sunshine on Leith. Have a clip. Here’s Over and Done With.), Jane Sixsmith 1967 (Hockey bloke.), Dweezil Zappa 1969 (Musician. Famous because he is Frank’s lad. A clip? Here’s Automatic.), Mark Ramprakash 1969 (Crickety bloke.), Michael Pennington 1970 (Who? Oh, it’s comedian Johnny Vegas.), Paddy Considine 1973 (Actor. Mr Whicher in The Suspicions of Mr Whicher. Him.), Greg Strong 1975 (Footy bloke. Played for Motherwell, you know.), George Boateng 1975 (Voetbal kerel.), Annabelle Wallis 1984 (Actress. Grace Burgess in Peaky Blinders. Her.), Chris Kane 1994 (Fitba guy.),

Four minutes and 33 seconds of it

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Jonathan Grambleby,

So nice to hear Level 42 again. Good to see Thunder Thumbs himself, Nathan’s brother Mark. I was wondering what the band’s most successful song was. Can you help?

Yours in anticipation,

Les Sonzin-Love

.....oooOooo.....

Time to gramble. Or not. This footy season is struggling to get started. This weekend sees some UEFA Nations League games plus a whole stack of EFL Cup games. We tend to steer clear of betting on such games so, once again, we have a bet-free zone.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time. Yay! How did you get on with your five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Belfast in 1946. I began my senior career at Manchester United and scored 137 goals in 361 appearances. The Portuguese press nicknamed me ‘The fifth Beatle’.

Answer: George Best [Too easy. - Ed.]

2. Since it is Champions League Final weekend, what is the highest goal tally in a European Cup/Champions League final?

Answer: Ten (In 1960 Real Madrid beat Eintracht Frankfurt 7-3)

3. Which Englishman has won the most European Cup/Champions League winners medals?

Answer: Phil Neal with four

4. Which Premier League club has a stork on its badge?

Answer: Burnley

5. Harrogate Town has joined the English League for the first time in its 106 year history. Prior to them, which was the last club to join the league for the first time?

Answer: Salford City in 2019

Some for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1947 in Amsterdam. I was taken on by Ajax when I was aged 10 and stayed with them for 16 years. I played 276 games during two spells at the club and scored over 200 goals. I won the Ballon d’Or three times. I was capped 48 times for the Netherlands, but refused to play in the 1978 World Cup finals in protest at the Argentine dictator Jorge Videla.

2. Which father and son have each played over 200 games in the Premier League?

3. Which English club has twice reached the final of the UEFA Cup/Europa League, losing on both occasions?

4. Which striker has scored the most goals for Manchester City?

5. Who has been manager of the most Premier League clubs?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

.....oooOooo.....

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

Please, also take the time to click on this link, an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

…..oooOooo…..

I do apologise for there being no edition last week. The reason was that it was the anniversary of (the founder of this blog) Stewart’s death. Seven years. It doesn’t get any easier, but we do try to remember the happy, fit young man that Stewart was, rather than the frail person he became.

Instead of writing a blog last week, I simply put the following statement on Farcebook...

Stewart David Smith’s suffering ended on the 29th of August 2013 after a horrendous two years of fighting the effects of bowel cancer and along the way defeating septicemia and having to deal with multi-organ failure, antibiotic-induced hearing loss, kidney failure and countless other complications. This he did with a bravery none of us will ever see again. He hated being called brave, though. In his mind, he had no option but to accept all that was thrown at him and he did so without complaint or criticism.

Please, take the time to consider what Stewart went through and be aware of how to detect bowel cancer early.

You're dead but the world keeps spinning
Take a spin through the world you left
It's getting dark a little too early
Are you missing the dearly bereft?

Those words are from a song that Stewart liked. I try not to repeat links that have been in earlier editions, but on this occasion, I will break my own unwritten rule. And it is a good song. Eels.  With a singing carrot.  [Eels?  Singing carrot?  Think I need a drink. - Ed.]

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

Happy grambling.