Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Story time...
Take a look at this photograph.
Any ideas? Yes, you at the back? Yes, that’s correct... Something white on a black background. Perhaps you could expand on that a little. Somethiiing whiiite onnn a blaaack baaackground... Very good. Any serious thoughts? A white piece of material. Correct. What can you see on this piece of material? Nothing. Exactly.
Has The Grambler gone a bit loopy, I hear you ask. [A bit more loopy, I think you mean. - Ed.] The reason for showing you this piece of material is that I recently cut it off a shirt. [Why on Earth would you cut a rectangle of material from a shirt? - Ed.] Let me explain. You know the little piece of material that carries the washing instructions for a garment? That’s what this is. Or was. But where are the instructions, I hear you ask. [Who are you talking to? - Ed.] They are certainly not on this piece of material. Why not? Because, when the shirt went into the washing machine... at the temperature stipulated, I might add... that is what happened to the washing instructions. They were blibbing well washed off.
Now, correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t the instruction on such a piece of material supposed to be there throughout the useable life of the garment to which it is attached? It isn’t much use if the information it carries has been, like any dirt on the garment, washed away.
I am at a loss trying to understand why manufacturers make goods with washing instructions that can’t withstand the washing procedure for the article it is attached to. It makes no sense. Or does it? Come with me now, as we listen in to a meeting of high-flyers at a clothing manufacturer...
‘These shirts we manufacture are lasting far too long. Joe public isn’t buying them often enough. Any ideas? Smith?’
‘Well, sir, we could sell them at a higher price.’
‘It’s a thought, but we can’t just hike the price up overnight. Our business was built on quality merchandise at reasonable prices. Anyone else got any ideas?’
‘Why don’t we use inferior thread? The shirt wouldn’t last long before the stitching gave way...’
‘Are you mad? This company has a reputation for producing quality shirts at affordable prices. We’d lose all the goodwill we’ve built up over the years. There must be some other way. Anyone got any better ideas?’
‘I was thinking, sir, why don’t we make the washing instructions themselves, wash off?’
‘Sorry?’
‘Yes. What would happen is that for the first wash or two, the instructions clearly state that the garment should be washed at, maybe, 20 degrees. By the time it is washed for the fourth time, say, those instructions will be illegible and whoever washes it will probably think it should be washed at 40, or even 60, degrees. After a couple of washes at the wrong temperature, the colour will start to fade and the user will just use it as an old work shirt, but, because it was such a comfortable shirt, he or she will go and buy a new one to replace it.’
‘That sounds brilliant. Hang about. What if the person complains?’
‘My guess is that few people will and if anyone should, we would just tell them that the washing instructions did state clearly the temperature at which the garment should be washed.’
‘But it didn’t state them clearly.’
‘Ah, but it did originally. We would simply argue that they ignored the temperature guidelines which, had they been adhered to, would still be entirely legible... or tell them that the washing instruction labels were printed elsewhere and are not our responsibility.’
‘Brilliant. Here, have a promotion.’
‘Thank you, sir.’
.....oooOooo.....
Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?
Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 10th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.
James V of Scotland 1512 - The well-known king. Became king at 17 months. His mum was Margaret Tudor, daughter of Henry VII of England and sister of Henry VIII. James fathered three legitimate children and had nine known illegitimate sprogs; three of those while he was still a teenager. Honestly. Royalty. What are they like?
William Booth 1829 - Methodist preacher who founded the Salvation Army and was its first General.
George Arliss 1868 - Ectaw dear leddie. Starred in loads of films. Very versatile, he was. He played Benjamin Disraeli in Disraeli (1921). Then, in 1929, he played Benjamin Disraeli in Disraeli. In 1931 he was in Impressions of Disraeli as Benjamin Dis... Hang on a minute.
Vladimir Nabokov 1899 - Orfer. He wrote The Real Life of Sebastian Knight, Bend Sinister, Pnin, Pale Fire and... You’re not interested, are you? You only remember him for writing Lolita.
Harry Mortimer 1902 - Composer and conductor. Here’s one of his toons. THE MEDALLION - H R Moreton - Men Of Brass/Harry Mortimer OBE - Decca LF 1263 - YouTube
Vic Feather 1908 - General Secretary of the Trades Union Congress.
John Alderson 1916 - Jobbing actor. Imdb credits him with 147 roles over a TV/film career from 1951 to 1990.
Norman Vaughan 1923 - Comedian, it says here.
Lyndon Brook 1926 - Jobbing actor. Imdb credits him with 91 roles over a career lasting from 1942 to 1987. Crawf in 1980’s Wainwright’s Law. Him.
Mike Hawthorn 1929 - Britain’s first Formula One World Champion. Retired on winning the title in 1958. Died three months later in a road accident.
Patrick Garland 1935 - Director, writer and actor.
David Spencer 1936 - Who? Known better as Ricky Valance. (Not Richie Valens as so many Youtubers seem to think.) A singer. Here’s his 1960 number one. Ricky Valance - Tell Laura I Love Her (1960).mpg - YouTube
Gloria Hunniford 1940 - TV and radio presenter.
Ian Callaghan 1942 - Footy bloke. Holds the record for the most appearances for Liverpool; 640 games from 1959 to 1978.
Stephen Churchette 1947 - Jobbing actor. Marcus Christie in Eastenders. Him.
Steve Nardelli 1948 - Musician. Who? He founded a band called The Syn in 1966. And? Two other members of the band were bassist Chris Squire and guitarist Peter Banks who would go on to create Yes. So, you could say that The Syn was a precursor to Yes. Let’s see if there is a track on Ya tube... The Syn - Grounded - YouTube
Kevin McAlea 1949 - Musician and songwriter. Played keyboards on albums by Barclay James Harvest, Kate Bush and Poly Styrene. He also wrote the English lyrics to this. NENA | 99 Red Balloons - YouTube
Burke Shelley 1950 - Musician. Singer and bassist with Budgie. Here a clip. Budgie - Who Do You Want for Your Love ? Live in The Old Grey Whistle Test - YouTube
David Moorcroft 1953 - Runny bloke.
Lesley Garrett 1955 - Chanter. Here’s a clip. Lesley Garrett - I Dreamed A Dream - YouTube
Gerda Stevenson 1956 - Actress, director and writer. Although more of a theatre actress, she has appeared in a few TV and film productions. She was Mother McClannough in Braveheart.
Kevin Doyle 1960 - Actor. Mr. Molesley in Downton Abbey. Him.
Nicky Campbell 1961 - Radio and TV personality.
Peter Morgan 1963 - Playwright and film writer. He was responsible for such gems as The Queen, Frost/Nixon and The Damned United.
Helen Masters 1963 - Jobbing actress. Best-known, perhaps, as DI Lane in Wycliffe.
Alan ‘Reni’ Wren 1964 - Drummer for The Stone Roses. The Stone Roses - Fools Gold (Official Video) - YouTube Reni’s the one in the daft bunnet.
Steve Claridge 1966 - Footy bloke.
Gordon Buchanan 1972 - Wildlife film maker and presenter.
Aidan Moffatt 1973 - Musician. Half of Arab Strap. Here’s a typically cheery toon from them. Arab Strap // The Turning of Our Bones (Official Video) - YouTube WARNING: THIS VIDEO IS A BIT LOT GORY AND FEATURES A SWEARY OR TWO.
Clare Buckfield 1976 - Actress. Jenny Porter in 2point4children. That was her.
Julie Buckfield 1976 - Actress. Clare’s twin. Julie Matthews in Hollyoaks. That was her.
Charlie Hunnam 1980 - Actor. Jackson ‘Jax’ Teller in Sons of Anarchy. Him.
Liz McClarnon 1981 - Singer/songwriter. A bit of Atomic Kitten. She wrote this one. Atomic Kitten - See Ya - YouTube
Joanna Christie 1982 - Actress. Connie Murphy in 2016 series Narcos. Her.
Gary McDonald 1982 - Fitba guy.
Alex Pettyfer 1990 - Actor. Very versatile, he is. He played Tony Curtis in 2018’s Urban Myths. Then, in the same year in the short film It’s Me, Sugar, he played Tony Curti... Wait a minute. I’m getting a distinct feeling of deja vu.
Daisy Ridley 1992 - Actress. Rey in the Star Wars films/TVseries/video games.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Gloria Gramblyford,
I’m so glad you gave a link to an Atomic Kitten song. Your chosen track, 2000’s release See Ya, only reached number 6 in the charts; they had to wait until the following year for their first number 1. Can you remember what it was called?
Yours with love,
.....oooOooo.....
Gramble time...
Before we start the predictions, you might be interested in a news item that caught my attention this week. You might not, but I’ll tell you about it anyway. It concerns a man who enjoys a bit of online gambling with Bet... Ted. (Do you see what I did there?). He was busy betting away one evening a couple or three years back when he seemed to hit a winning streak. Woo hoo, he thought, or something quite like it. By the end of the evening he had won £1.7 million; a veritable fortune. Naturally, he was keen to cash in his winnings and so he contacted BetNed who immediately pulled out all the stops and refused to pay out on the bet. Excuse me? They claimed that there had been a software glitch which meant the game wasn’t operating properly. I think what theymeant was that the game wasn’t loaded in its favour as is normally the case.
Our would-be millionaire thought sod this for a game of soldiers, or something quite like it, and took Bet... I’m running out of names that rhyme with Fred... Oh, what a give away... to court.
Guess what. The judge ruled in favour of the gambler, not the betting conglomerate. Yay! Well done, wee man. Not only did he receive all his winnings, he won another 300 grand in costs. Take that bookie giant!
As you will see, we who follow the advice of The Grambler don’t need to worry about such matters.
How did The Grambler’s first batch of predictions in five months fare? Two out of five? 78 pees back from an outlay of £2.20? [No court case, then. - Ed.] Oh dear. Let’s just say that he/she/it is a bit rusty. What happened? Read on...
Coventry vs Bristol City - Prediction Home win
Result - Coventry 3 Bristol City 1
Yay!
The hosts took an early lead when Leo Ostigard finished after Bristol City failed to deal with a throw-in.
Matt ‘Flash’ Godden doubled the home side's lead with a powerfully struck penalty after Tomas ‘Maria’ Kalas was adjudged to have tripped Tyler ‘Bathroom’ Walker in the area, before Nahki Wells looked to have set up a nervy finish when he capitalised on Kyle ‘Zabeaut’ McFadzean's under-hit backpass.
However, Walker latched on to a poorly directed pass from Robins substitute Tommy ‘Dizzy’ Rowe and Callum O'Hare unselfishly teed up Viktor Gyokeres to slot in a third.
Rotherham vs Wycombe - Prediction Home win
Result - Rotherham 0 Wycombe 3
Boo! Seriously, BOO!
Admiral ‘Nelson’ Muskwe fired the Chairboys into the lead in the second minute and Jason McCarthy's deflected strike made it 2-0 to the visitors midway through the first half.
The Millers dominated the end of the first period but David Stockdale denied Ben ‘Thinker’ Wiles, Jamie Lindsay and Lewis ‘Delta’ Wing.
Wycombe continued to defend stoutly after the break and David ‘Three’ Wheeler made the points safe in the closing stages, latching on to a flick-on by Adebayo Akinfenwa (Candidate for ‘Cracking Name of the Week’ title.) to finish from a narrow angle.
Swansea vs Preston - Prediction Home win
Result - Swansea 0 Preston 1
BOO!
Preston controlled a first half of little quality, with Brad ‘Chamber’ Potts twice going close.
The second period was also scrappy, Preston substitute Scott Sinclair heading over against his former club.
Sinclair had another chance in injury time, and this time his shot was turned into his own net by Matt ‘Greasan’ Grimes.
The Swans failed to produce a single shot on target.
Burton Albion vs Swindon - Prediction Home win
Result - Burton 2 Swindon 1
Yay!
Skipper John ‘Donkey’ Brayford's thumping header gave Burton a crucial 2-1 victory over Swindon.
The full-back raced into the box to head home Joe ‘Nosher’ Powell's free-kick with seven minutes to go to secure a first Burton win in five games after Tom ‘MC’ Hamer's opener had been cancelled out by Jack ‘Freda’ Payne's fine finish.
Hamer's first Burton goal gave Albion the lead after 26 minutes - the left-back was fouled out wide and former Swindon loanee Jonny Smith sent in a tempting free-kick which Hamer rose highest to head home.
As Albion looked to double their advantage, they were pegged back 10 minutes before half-time.
A deep cross was only cleared as far as Payne, who lashed home a superb left-footed 25-yard effort into the corner beyond the reach of home keeper Ben ‘Jasper’ Garratt.
Payne fired over early in the second half and Brett ‘Coal’ Pitman was denied by Hayden ‘Orson’ Carter on the line.
Scott ‘Needlan’ Twine tested Garratt with a long-range effort which was beaten away, with Pitman heading the rebound wide.
Oxford Utd vs Accrington Stanley - Prediction Home win
Result - Oxford 1 Accrington Stanley 2
BOO!
Defender Michael ‘Sherriffa’ Nottingham produced a great finish 20 minutes from time to earn Accrington a 2-1 triumph at Oxford.
Nottingham controlled a clearance with a fine first touch then hammered in a half-volley from 10 yards to bring Stanley a vital win.
Accrington thought they should have had a goal when Dion ‘Lord’ Charles looked to have stabbed the ball over the line at a corner, but it was not given.
However, they went in front from their next attack, on 16 minutes, when forward Paul Smyth fired high into the net from 15 yards.
Oxford equalised nine minutes later with Elliot ‘Stan’ Lee slotting home from Matt Taylor's pass.
Jack ‘Shaky’ Stevens' smart double save kept the U's level as he turned Sean ‘Sheep’ McConville's free-kick onto a post then smartly saved a follow-up shot.
At the other end Toby ‘Jug’ Savin saved well from Lee and Olamide Shodipo (Another contender.) before Nottingham popped up with the winner.
Ho hum. Not a great re-start to the season. This week, maybe? What has The Grambler randomly selected?
Game - Result - Odds
Portsmouth vs Burton Albion - Home win - 3/4
Sunderland vs Charlton - Home win - 10/11
Bradford vs Grimsby - Home win - Evens
Cheltenham vs Leyton Orient - Home win - 4/5
Salford City vs Stevenage - Home win - Evens
The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...
£12.50
A bit less unwhopping than last week.
.....oooOooo.....
Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with last week’s five questions? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Doncaster in 1951. I started my senior career at Scunthorpe United before moving to Liverpool. In 1977 I moved to Germany. I moved back to England in 1980 and played for Southampton and then Newcastle. I was capped for England 63 times. I began my managerial career at Newcastle. My first name is Joseph and I famously like cheap deodorant.
Answer - Kevin Keegan (In case you didn’t get the deodorant reference, he used to advertise Brut 33. He splashed it all over, apparently.)
2. For which club did Norwegian Brede Hangeland make 217 Premier League appearances?
Answer - Fulham
3. Why will you never see a West Ham player in a number 6 shirt?
Answer - The number was ‘retired’ in honour of long-time West Ham player Bobby Moore when he died of bowel cancer. Number 38 has been retired in the same way in honour of Dylan Tombides who died of testicular cancer aged just 20.
4. Who was Arsenal’s Scottish manager when they won the FA Cup in 1993?
Answer - George Graham
5. What was the last team from outside the top division to win the FA Cup?
Answer - West Ham (1980)
Some for this week? Why not...
1. Who am I?
I was born in 1957 in Hayes, Middlesex. I joined Tottenham Hotspur’s youth squad in 1970 and progressed to the senior team in 1975. I made 377 appearances during which I scored 105 goals. I earned 53 caps for England. My managerial career took me to five clubs and I was also England manager for three years. Although my success rate was high at 60%, I was dismissed due to my views on disabled people.
2. Which Irish player has won three European Cup winners medals?
3. Which Polish player has made over 200 Premier League appearances?
4. Which England manager won the most England caps in his playing career?
5. Which national side was given the nickname ‘The Pirate Ship’ after Euro 2004?
There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?
.....oooOooo.....
Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
.....oooOooo.....
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).
Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4
…..oooOooo…..
And finally, Cyril...
And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, it is with some sadness that I acknowledge the death of 99 year old Mr P. Windsor. Yes, Betty’s hubbie, Phil the Greek aka Chookie Embra aka Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark, has popped his clogs. Regular readers of this august blog (and irregular readers too) may recall an edition back in June 2017 when, to celebrate his 96th birthday, a whole blog was devoted to his ‘problem’. What problem was that, I hear you ask. Well, old Phil suffered from what he called foot in mouth disease (See number 76). If you wanted someone to say the wrong, and often offensive, thing, he was your man. So, to mark his passing, here are the 93 Philip quotes that I included in that issue four years ago. Apologies for repeating old material. Let’s call it recycling. Anyway, enjoy the words of the late, great, gaffer...
1. After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme in 2002: “Are we going to need ear plugs?”
2. To a car park attendant who didn’t recognise him in 1997, he snapped: “You bloody silly fool!”
3. To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception: “What are you doing here?” “I was invited, sir.” Philip: “Well, you didn’t have to come.”
4. To female sea cadet: “Do you work in a strip club?”
5. To expats in Abu Dhabi in 2011: “Are you running away from something?”
6. After accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991: “Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.”
7. At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965, he said: “Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’”
8. To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity: “Are you all one family?”
9. To the President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, 2003: “You look like you’re ready for bed!”
10. His description of Beijing, during a visit there in 1986: “Ghastly.”
11. At Hertfordshire University, 2003: “During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, ‘More open than usual’. I now declare this place more open than usual.”
12. To deaf children by a steel band, 2000: “Deaf? If you’re near there, no wonder you are deaf.”
13. To a tourist in Budapest in 1993: “You can’t have been here long, you haven’t got a pot belly.”
14. To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea, 1998: “You managed not to get eaten then?”
15. His verdict on Stoke-on-Trent, during a visit in 1997: “Ghastly.”
16. To Atul Patel at reception for influential Indians, 2009: “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.”
17. Peering at a fuse box in a Scottish factory, he said: “It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.” He later backtracked: “I meant to say cowboys.”
18. To Lockerbie residents after plane bombing, 1993: “People say after a fire it’s water damage that’s the worst. We’re still drying out Windsor Castle.”
19. In Canada in 1976: “We don’t come here for our health.”
20. “I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff.” 1987
21. On the Duke of York’s house, 1986: “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.”
22. Using Hitler’s title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl in 1997, he called him: “Reichskanzler.”
23. “We go into the red next year... I shall have to give up polo.” 1969.
24. At party in 2004: “Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!”
25. To a woman solicitor, 1987: “I thought it was against the law for a woman to solicit.”
26. To a civil servant, 1970: “You’re just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don’t trust me and I don’t trust you.”
27. On the 1981 recession: “A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone’s working too much. Now everybody’s got more leisure time they’re complaining they’re unemployed. People don’t seem to make up their minds what they want.”
28. On the new £18million British Embassy in Berlin in 2000: “It’s a vast waste of space.”
29. After the Dunblane massacre, 1996: “If a cricketer suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, are you going to ban cricket bats?”
30. To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002: “If you travel as much as we do, you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don’t travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.”
31. On stress counselling for servicemen in 1995: “We didn’t have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun. You just got on with it!”
32. On Tom Jones, 1969: “It’s difficult to see how it’s possible to become immensely valuable by singing what are the most hideous songs.”
33. To the Scottish WI in 1961: “British women can’t cook.”
34. To then Paraguay dictator General Stroessner: “It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.”
35. To Cayman Islanders: “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”
36. To Scottish driving instructor, 1995: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”
37. At a WF meeting in 1986: “If it has four legs and it’s not a chair, if it’s got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”
38. “You ARE a woman, aren’t you?” Kenya, 1984.
39. A VIP at a local airport asked HRH: “What was your flight, like, Your Royal Highness? Philip: “Have you ever flown in a plane?” VIP: “Oh yes, sir, many times.” “Well,” said Philip, “it was just like that.”
40. On Ethiopian art, 1965: “It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from school art lessons.”
41. To a fashion writer in 1993: “You’re not wearing mink knickers,are you?”
42. To Susan Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: “They have eating dogs for the anorexic now.”
43. When offered wine in Rome in 2000, he snapped: “I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer!”
44. “I’d like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” 1967.
45. At City Hall in 2002: “If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion.”
46. On seeing a piezo-meter water gauge in Australia: “A pissometer?”
47. “You have mosquitoes. I have the Press.” To matron of Caribbean hospital, 1966.
48. At a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002: “So who’s on drugs here?... HE looks as if he’s on drugs.”
49. To a children’s band in Australia in 2002: “You were playing your instruments? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?”
50. At Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme, 2006. “Young people are the same as they always were. Just as ignorant.”
51. On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich: “What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.”
52. To Elton John on his gold Aston Martin in 2001: “Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car, is it?”
53. At an engineering school closed so he could officially open it, 2005: “It doesn’t look like much work goes on at this university.”
54. To Aboriginal leader William Brin, Queensland, 2002: “Do you still throw spears at each other?”
55. At a Scottish fish farm: “Oh! You’re the people ruining the rivers.”
56. After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy, 2002: “The French don’t know how to cook breakfast.”
57. To schoolboy who invited the Queen to Romford, Essex, 2003: “Ah, you’re the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then?”
58. To black politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, 1999: “And what exotic part of the world do you come from?”
59. To parents at a previously struggling Sheffield school, 2003: “Were you here in the bad old days? ... That’s why you can’t read and write then!”
60. To Andrew Adams, 13, in 1998: “You could do with losing a little bit of weight.”
61. “Where’s the Southern Comfort?” When presented with a hamper of goods by US ambassador, 1999.
62. To editor of downmarket tabloid: “Where are you from?” “The S*n, sir.” Philip: “Oh, no . . . one can’t tell from the outside.”
63. Turning down food, 2000: “No, I’d probably end up spitting it out over everybody.”
64. Asking Cate Blanchett to fix his DVD player because she worked “in the film industry”, 2008: “There’s a cord sticking out of the back. Might you tell me where it goes?”
65. “People think there’s a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.” 2000.
66. After hearing President Obama had had breakfast with leaders of the UK, China and Russia, 2010: “Can you tell the difference between them?”
67. On students from Brunei, 1998: “I don’t know how they’re going to integrate in places like Glasgow and Sheffield.”
68. On Princess Anne, 1970: “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.”
69. To nursing-home resident in a wheelchair, 2002: “Do people trip over you?”
70. Discussing tartan with then-Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie: “That’s a nice tie... Do you have any knickers in that material?”
71. To a group of industrialists in 1961: “I’ve never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing.”
72. On a crocodile he shot in Gambia in 1957: “It’s not a very big one, but at least it’s dead and it took an awful lot of killing!”
73. On being made Chancellor of Edinburgh University in 1953: “Only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education.”
74. “I must be the only person in Britain glad to see the back of that plane.” He hated the noise Concorde made flying over Buckingham Palace, 2002
75. To a fashion designer, 2009: “Well, you didn’t design your beard too well, did you?”
76. To the General Dental Council in 1960: “Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I’ve practised for many years.”
77. On stroking a koala in 1992: “Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease.”
78. On marriage in 1997: “You can take it from me the Queen has the quality of tolerance in abundance.”
79. To schoolchildren in blood-red uniforms, 1998: “It makes you all look like Dracula’s daughters!”
80. “I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.” 1988.
81. To female Labour MPs in 2000: “So this is feminist corner then.”
82. On Nottingham Forest trophies in 1999: “I suppose I’d get in trouble if I were to melt them down.”
83. “It’s my custom to say something flattering to begin with so I shall be excused if I put my foot in it later on.” 1956.
84. To a penniless student in 1998: “Why don’t you go and live in a hostel to save cash?”
85. On robots colliding, Science Museum, 2000: “They’re not mating are they?”
86. While stuck in a Heriot Watt University lift in 1958: “This could only happen in a technical college.”
87. To newsreader Michael Buerk, when told he knew about the Duke of Edinburgh’s Gold Awards, 2004: “That’s more than you know about anything else then.”
88. To a British student in China, 1986: “If you stay here much longer, you’ll go home with slitty eyes.”
89. To journalist Caroline Wyatt, who asked if the Queen was enjoying a Paris trip, 2006: “Damn fool question!”
90. On smoke alarms to a woman who lost two sons in a fire, 1998: “They’re a damn nuisance - I’ve got one in my bathroom and every time I run my bath the steam sets it off.”
91. To an attractive blonde well-wisher during a Diamond Jubilee visit with the Queen to Bromley, South London: "I would be arrested if I unzipped that dress."
92. To a Filipino nurse as he unveiled a new cardiac centre at Luton and Dunstable University Hospital in February: "The Philippines must be half empty, you're all here running the NHS."
93. Prince Philip jokingly told a double amputee he should put wheels on his prosthetic limbs to move around quicker. Trooper Cayle Royce, who lost both legs in a bomb blast in Afghanistan, said Philip was "my hero" and "really comedy."
I agree. Comedy gold.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
