Friday, 18 February 2022

Post 439 - The Grambler awards

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

Story time...

I am a proggie. There I've said it. I like prog music. They can't touch you for it.

Regular readers of the world's greatest ill-informed blog may recall an article I wrote some time ago about Prog magazine's survey to find the greatest prog musician of all time. Do you remember? It was... ooh... must be about two years back. Any road up, they've done another to determine the readership's favourite artists (or is that artistes?) of 2021.

So, guess who was favourite guitarist? None other than my favourite guitarist, Steve Hackett, 72 and still performing Genesis music at a venue near you in 2022. Yay!

Top band was Big Big Train. Who, I hear you ask. It's a band I've only grown to like over the past couple of years. Oh, I thought... or it might have been oho... no, it was definitely oh... they are more popular than I realised.

Top album was Common Ground by... Big Big Train. They really are popular, I thought.

Top singer? David Longdon of... Big Big Train. Wait a minute, they must be really big (Sorry about that.).

The final category of the survey was for Person of 2021. Guess who... Yes, it went to none other than David Longdon. It's that man again. I was beginning to think I had wasted a good few years of my life by not listening to this mega band earlier than I did.

If I could backtrack a little, to the survey conducted two years ago. Do you recall that the recipient of the title of greatest prog musician of all time was a drummer called Neil Peart? Those of you in the know will remember him as one of the three-man prog band Rush.

Those of you who read my article on the matter of that survey might remember that Neil Peart couldn’t pick up his award in person, because he had snuffed it shortly before the survey was conducted.

My thoughts at the time were that, while he was certainly a formidable drummer, he most certainly was not the greatest prog musician of all time. The, I think, undeniable reason for him winning was that his death was still fresh in the minds of those that voted.

I think you know what is coming. David Longdon, the winner of so many of the 2021 awards, died in November, just before the survey was conducted.

Who placed second? None other that top axeman Steve Hackett.

I think a little tweak of the categories is required...

Ladeez and Genullum, Steve Hackett wins the title of Person (who is still alive) of 2021. Yay!

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 19th of February? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

David Garrick 1717 - Ector.

Cedric Hardwicke 1893 - Ector. Pharaoh Sethi in The Ten Commandments.

Jack Haworth 1896 - Actor. Albert Tatlock in Coronation Street. Have a clip. Here’s The Skids with TV Stars.

Al bert Tat lock!

Merle Oberon 1911 - Actress. Anne Boleyn in The Private Life of Henry VIII.

Dick Emery 1915 - Comedian. Very popular in the 1960s, he was.

Mike Sammes 1928 - Singer and leader of the singing combo, The Mike Sammes Singers. [How original. - Ed.] They had just one record in the charts, Somewhere My Love.

Gerald Sinstadt 1930 - Footy commentator.

Pat Crerand 1939 - Fitba guy.

Erin Pizzey 1939 - Activist against domestic abuse.

Gwen Taylor 1939 - Actress. Peggy Armstrong in Heartbeat.

Phil Coulter 1942 - Musician, songwriter and producer. As a songwriter he and lyricist Bill Martin penned four Number One hits in the UK - Puppet on a String, Congratulations, Forever and Ever and, as this is a footy blog (of sorts), this one, Back Home.

Jon Whiteley 1945 - Actor. I say actor, he only appeared in five films when he was just a kid, but one of them, The Kidnappers, was a favourite of mine when I was a nipper. The plot revolves around two young brothers, Harry and Davy, staying with their grandfather who ‘find’ a baby and decide to look after him. Even as a youngster, I enjoyed comedy and liked the funny moments...

‘What are we going to call him, Harry?’

‘I’m going to call him Edward.’

‘Oh... I wanted to call him Rover.’

Glyn Matthias 1945 - Broadcasting journalist.

Tony Iommi 1948 - Guitarist and mainstay of Black Sabbath, but did you know he was once very, very briefly a member of Jethro Tull. Oh yes. And here is the evidence... Who’s the cat in the white hat on this famous recording of Song for Jeffrey?

Simon Jeffes 1949 - Musician. You may not know his name, but you may know his most famous creation, Still Life at the Penguin Cafe. No? Here’s a clip to help you, Music for a Found Harmonium.

Eddie Hardin 1949 - Musician. Took on the Steve Winwood role in The Spencer Davis Group MkII. Here’s a tune for you oldies out there... Ma..a...a...agpie.

Andy Powell 1950 - Musician. Mainstay of Wishbone Ash. Here’s a wee medley from their early days, Blind Eye/Lady Whiskey.

Eric Knowles 1953 - Antiques expert. He’s on all those antiques programmes the Beeb keeps churning out.

Dave Wakeling 1956 - Musician. Main man of The Beat. They were known as The British Beat in the US of A, because they already had a band called The Beat. Excuse me? The Beat was an English ska band formed in 1978. The Yankee version wasn’t formed until 1979. So don’t go calling them The British Beat, Uncle Sam. No. Call your lot The American Beat! Anyway, here’s The Beat’s biggest UK hit, Can't Get Used To Losing You. Incidentally, that didn’t even chart in the US. Maybe they took exception to somebody daring to reggaefy (I think I just made that word up) Andy Williams.

Ray Winstone 1957 - ’E’s an ector, in he? ’E’s known for being a professional Cockney, in he? Although he now delegates some of his duties to Danny Dyer.

Helen Fielding 1958 - Orfer. Bridget Jones is her most famous creation.

Lesley Ash 1960 - Actress. Steph in Quadrophenia.

~~Prince~~ Andrew, ~~Duke of York~~ 1960 - The well-known no... [Stop right there! - Ed.] I was going to say nobility personage.

Justin Fashanu 1961 - Footy bloke.

Henry Samuel aka Seal 1963 - Singer songwriter. Have a clip. Here’s Prayer for the Dying.

Malky Mackay 1972 - Fitba guy.

Lisa Faulkner 1972 - Actress and celebrity chef.

Barry Smith 1974 - Fitba guy.

Andrew Buchan 1979 - Actor. Mark Latimer in Broadchurch.

Mo Gilligan 1988 - Comedian.

Sone Aluko 1989 - Footy bloke.

Luke Pasqualino 1990 - Actor. Freddie in Skins.

Luke Newberry 1990 - Actor. Monty Blackett in The Singapore Grip.

Jason Holt 1993 - Fitba guy.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Dave Grambling,

It was wonderful to hear a song by your ska band The Beat with you singing and Grambling Roger doing the talkie bits. I know you had a few hits way back. What was your first top ten single?

Yours earnestly,

T. S. Ovva-Klown.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? I’ll tell you later. What happened? Read on.

Blackpool vs Bournemouth - Away win

Result - Blackpool 1 Bournemouth 2

Yay!

Siriki Dembele scored a last-gasp winner for Bournemouth, who came from behind to win with two late goals at Blackpool.

Josh Bowler's superb strike gave Blackpool the lead, after striker Dominic Solanke's penalty was saved by home keeper Daniel Grimshaw.

Bournemouth equalised with four minutes remaining when Todd Cantwell's ball into the box was deflected towards Jamal Lowe, who fired home.

And in the final moments Dembele picked the ball up on the right [Surely, that’s rugby. - Ed.]... ahem... before fizzing a low shot past Grimshaw.

Hull vs Fulham - Away win

Result - Hull 0 Fulham 1

Yay!

Aleksandar Mitrovic scored his 31st league goal of the season as Fulham got a narrow win at Hull City.

The away side had the better of the play in the first half but it was the hosts who should have taken the lead when Marcus Forss shot wide after getting in on goal following a mix-up in the Whites defence.

Mitrovic headed home a cross from Neco Williams to put Marco Silva's men in front.

Hull stayed in it but never really looked like getting an equaliser.

Reading vs Coventry - Away win

Result - Reading 2 Coventry 3

Yay!

Lucas Joao headed the hosts in front, with Sky Blues captain Dominic Hyam equalising from close range on the stroke of half-time.

Michael Rose then put Coventry ahead from a corner, only for Andy Yiadom to level through the same method before his team-mate Junior Hoilett was sent off.

Ian Maatsen's deflected effort sealed the away side's win

Cowdenbeath vs Forfar - Away win - 7/10

Result - Void

Eh?

I’m not sure why, but this match did not take place. Woo hoo, 20 pees back.

Queen of the South vs Arbroath - Away win

Result?

For some odd reason, The Grambler has gone against his/her/its rules and selected a game from a date other than the Saturday of the blog’s issue. Naughty Grambler. This match is due to take place on Saturday the 19th of February. As things stand, I could cash in the bet beforehand and win £4.14... It is very tempting. As the weather forecast for the weekend is snow, it is possible that the game will be cancelled. What a dilemma.

Anyway, The Grambler has treated us to five random predictions for this week (definitely the 19th of February). What has he/she/it come up with?

Game - Result - Odds

Blackburn vs Millwall - Home win - 19/20

Derby vs Peterborough - Home win - 19/20

Preston vs Reading - Home win - 8/11

QPR vs Hull - Home win - 5/6

Stoke vs Birmingham - Home win - 4/5

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler... if the matches even get played... the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£11.62

Too whopping by half.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in St. Asaph, boyo, in 1961. I began my senior career at Chester in 1978. I moved to Liverpool in 1980, the first of two spells there. In total, I played 469 games for The Reds, scoring 389 goals. I was capped 73 times for Wales.

Answer - Ian Rush

2. Which manager has been in charge of the most games in the English and Scottish leagues?

Answer - Alec Ferguson with a total of 2155

3. How many major European titles have Manchester City won?

Answer - One - European Cup Winners Cup in 1970

4. What statistic is shared by Queen’s Park, Birmingham City, Crystal Palace and Watford?

Answer - They have all played and lost two F.A. Cup Finals.

5. Which Spanish player has been capped more than any other?

Answer - Sergio Ramos with 180 ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY!

Shall we have five for this week? I think we shall.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1984 in Buenos Aires. I began and ended my senior career at Boca Juniors. I played for English clubs West Ham, Manchester United and Manchester City. I played 517 games during my club career, scoring 227 goals. I was capped 76 times for my country. As a child I was accidentally seared with boiling water which resulted in a burn scar running from my right ear down to my chest.

2. Which Premier League side was originally called St. Luke’s F.C.?

3. Which club features a male red deer on its crest?

4. What is Anatoliy Puzach’s unique claim to fame?

5. Which player was known by the name Tulipano Nero (Black Tulip)? [Ooh... Black Tulip... So scary. And, yes, I am being sarcastic. - Ed.]

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. R. Emery who is included in this week’s birthday honours and provides us with our final item this week. Emery was one of Britain’s most popular entertainers in the 1960s and 1970s. He made 19 series of The Dick Emery Show for the Beeb between 1963 and 1981. His comedy shows featured him playing various characters such as Mandy (You are awful, but I like you.), Old Lampkin, Ton-up boy, Traffic warden, Hettie, Bovver boy (I got it wrong again, Dad. Incidentally, ‘Dad’ was played by Roy Kinnear, almost 20 years Emery’s junior.), Clarence (Hello, honky tonks.), Sporting gent, College and Vicar. So, ladeez and genullum, sit back and enjoy some examples of 1970s’ humour. Warning: It is neither woke nor PC.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

Happy grambling.

Saturday, 12 February 2022

Post 438 - Grambling at the Winter Olympics

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Story time...

Have you been watching the Winter Olympics? I've caught a few moments.

I do pity the team that the Beeb has gathered together to provide commentary. To the BBC anything to do with winter sports is pretty much alien. Apart from one programme tucked away on BBC2 at a Sunday teatime for a few weeks in the winter, the bigwigs at the BBC basically ignore any sports which take place on ice and snow.

So the winter Olympics, while being the biggest world event for winter sports, is a bit of an unknown quantity to the BBC commentary team...

'Right then... Next. And who are you?'

'Steve Cram, like.'

'Ah yes. World famous Geordie middle-distance runner. Let's see now... you've only commentated on athletics events. Is that right?'

'Why aye, man.'

'Hmm. What do you know about curling.'

'Not a lot, like. Me mam used to have a set of coorling tongs, like.'

'No no... curling... the sport.'

'Ohh. That kind of coorling. Is it not a bit like the bools, like?'

'I suppose so. Do you know anything about bools... I mean bowls?'

'Nah. Not really. I used to watch me granda playing when I were a bairn, like. But that's ahll.'

'Really?'

'Aye, man. He were right canny.'

'Excellent. Steve, you're on curling.'

'Aye, that'll be grand, like.'

Apart from the coorling... sorry, curling... most of the sports are utterly bonkers. Have you ever watched the biathlon? Who came up with that concept? You do a bit of cross country skiing, then you stop occasionally and fire a rifle at a target. Very clever, but a strange concept to combine two such contrasting disciplines.

Then there are those sports which involve a person travelling at breakneck speeds. So, not only do you see the sports elite performing brilliantly, you have the bonus of possibly seeing someone being seriously injured.

Some of the sports seem to have been dreamed up by nutters to be undertaken by individuals who are equally nutty.

I wonder how these sports first came to be recognised. Let's be honest, you'd have to be something of a loony to take part in some of them.

The ski jump is one that always intrigues me. No, intrigues is the wrong word. I meant terrifies. Yes, it is wonderful to watch but who came up with that idea?

'You want me to ski down a 45 degree ice hill?'

'Yep.'

'Without any ski poles?'

'Yep.'

'Then what?'

'There is a ramp at the end which completely changes your direction.'

'You what?'

'Yes. Instead of going down, you will suddenly be going up.'

'Oh, I see. I just come to a halt on this ramp.'

'No. Its a very short ramp. You will come off the end and be literally flying. Wherever you hit the ground will be measured and that would determine the places. The competitor who jumps the furthest wins. You might be travelling at a hundred kilometres per hour and fly for over a hundred metres.'

'Let me get this straight. I come down the ramp at a crazy rate of knots, I don’t have any ski poles, but I go flying in the air, finally hitting the ground some time later, possibly in a heap, probably dead.'

'That's right.'

'F*** off!'

Or what about the luge?

'Have you ever been sledging?'

'Of course. '

'Good. Here's a sport you'd be perfect for. It's called the luge. You've seen the bobsleigh run?'

'Yes.'

'Well, it would be like that; only, you would be on your own, coming down the run at speeds like one hundred kilometres per hour. '

'Wow! A one man bobsleigh.'

'No. Not quite. You would be on a small sledge like contraption.'

'How small?'

'You know those little plastic sledges you get for little children?'

'Surely not that size?'

'Oh no.'

'Thank goodness for that. '

'It would be a lot smaller. '

'You must be joking!'

'And you would be lying on your back.'

'You what?'

'Feet first.'

'So, I would coming down the run at speeds of 100k, on a tea tray, lying on my back and not being able to see where I'm going?'

'That's about the size of it. What do you reckon?'

'You're bonkers in the nut! There are easier ways to commit suicide, you know.'

Yes, like freestyle snowboarding. That really is bonkers.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 12th of February? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Thomas Newcomen 1663 - Inventor.

Charles Darwin 1809 - Naturalist. [What, he went about with no clothes on? - Ed.]

Robert Boothby 1900 - Politician.

Ernest Clark 1912 - Actor. Professor Loftus in Doctor in the House and its many spinoffs.

Eric Barker 1912 - Actor. Oliver Coombs in Compact. There’s an oldie for you.

Paul Hamlyn 1926 - Publisher.

Annette Crosbie 1934 - Actress. Margaret Meldrew in One Foot in the Grave.

Ralph Bates 1940 - Actor. John Lacey in Dear John.

Norman Josiffe aka Norman Scott 1940 - Model. Aye, right.

Norma Major 1942 - John’s missus.

Gareth Thomas 1945 - Actor. Roj Blake in Blake’s 7.

Alex Totten 1946 - Fitba guy.

Nicholas Soames 1948 - Politician.

Steve Hackett 1950 - Musician. Let’s have a bit of Spectral Mornings followed by Clocks.

Simon MacCorkindale 1952 - Actor. Harry Harper in Casualty and all its spinoffs.

Brian Robertson 1956 - Musician. Here he is during his time with Thin Lizzy with Jailbreak. [Daft lyrics. Tonight there’s going to be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town? That’ll be the jail, then. - Ed.]

Michael Fenton Stevens 1958 - Actor. Simon Swann in Ballot Monkeys.

Hermione Norris 1967 - Actress. Karen Marsden in Cold Feet.

Steve Backley 1969 - Stick thrower.

Naseem Hamed 1974 - Boxy bloke.

Jenni Falconer 1976 - Presenter.

Gethin Jones 1978 - Presenter.

Paul Anderson 1978 - Actor. Arthur Shelby Jr. in Peaky Blinders.

Jennie McAlpine 1984 - Actress. Fizz in Coronation Street.

Joe Gill 1994 - Actor. Finn Barton in Emmerdale.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Steve Gramblett,

Marvellous to hear those two wonderful tracks from your Spectral Mornings album. I remember that you were in a number of bands as well as performing solo. I recall Genesis, GTR and your collaboration with Chris Squire from Yes which was called Squackett. I, at one time, had a copy of the Squackett album A Life Within a Day. Was there ever a single taken from it?

Yours in expectation,

C. O'Smiles.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Not very well, I’m sorry to say. We won some money. 78 pees from a £2.20 bet isn’t very good, though. What happened? Read on.

Charlton vs Wimbledon - Home win

Result - Charlton 3 Wimbledon 2

Yay!

Ethan ‘Chippy’ Chislett opened the scoring when he finished from 10 yards after Charlton goalkeeper Craig MacGillivray dropped the ball after coming off his line to try and claim Will Nightingale's header.

Charlton equalised in the 18th minute. Ryan Inniss made a near post run to meet Albie Morgan's corner - with Wimbledon midfielder Anthony Hartigan appearing to get the final touch on the goal-line.

Conor Washington put the hosts in front after 31 minutes. A superb pass by substitute Diallang Jaiyesimi sent the Northern Ireland international through on goal and he confidently finished past Nik Tzanev.

But Wimbledon responded within five minutes, again from a Hartigan free-kick, as Ben Heneghan produced a diving header across MacGillivray.

The visitors looked vulnerable from corners all afternoon and Akin Famewo powered in Morgan's delivery on the hour mark to give Charlton the win.

MK Dons vs Lincoln - Home win

Result - MK Dons 2 Lincoln 1

Yay!

John Marquis had opened the scoring for Michael Appleton's side with his third goal in as many games, but Dons defenders Harry ‘Wendy’ Darling and Warren O'Hora both found the net either side of half-time as the Dons snatched victory.

Lincoln took an early lead when Anthony ‘Hugh’ Scully's cross found John ‘Mary’ Marquis unmarked inside the hosts' six-yard box.

Lincoln drew level five minutes before the break when Imps keeper Josh Griffiths parried Theo ‘Jeremy’ Corbeanu's shot, only for Darling to rise highest and nod in the rebound for his fifth goal of the season.

The hosts turned the game on its head immediately after the restart through the unlikely Warren O'Hora, who found the net with an emphatic close-range.

Shrewsbury vs Fleetwood - Home win

Result - Shrewsbury 1 Fleetwood 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Ryan Bowman went close early on for the hosts when his low drive was superbly saved by Fleetwood goalkeeper Alex Cairns.

Fleetwood struck in the 21st minute when Callum Johnson's sweet cross was headed home confidently by an unmarked Anthony Pilkington.

Pilkington threatened again 10 minutes later when his shot was deflected narrowly off target.

Just before the break Shrews defender Matthew Pennington almost put through his own net when trying to clear Andrew's whipped-in cross.

The Shrews levelled from the penalty spot three minutes after the restart.

Luke Leahy slotted home after Zak Jules had clumsily bundled over Dan Udoh.

Midway through the second period Pilkington fired an arrowing low strike just wide of the target.

Orient vs Colchester - Home win

Result - Orient 0 Colchester 1

Boo!

Freddie Sears' early goal earned Colchester a 1-0 win at Leyton Orient.

The goal came in the fourth minute, straight after U's goalkeeper Sam Hornby had punched clear a powerful header from Orient striker Aaron Drinan.

The ball was eventually played out to Corie Andrews, who crossed into the penalty area where Sears fired an unstoppable volley into the net.

Orient posed little threat, but the visitors did look dangerous through the pace of Junior Tchamadeu and Andrews.

Sears had a fine opportunity to double the lead shortly before the break but his shot was blocked by the outstretched leg of goalkeeper Lawrence Vigouroux.

The visitors continued to control affairs after the break, although the hots spurned a great opportunity to level in the 68th minute when Matt Young picked out Drinan with a through ball but Hornby raced out and spread his body to block the striker's effort.

Colchester were good value, though, and only superb saves by Vigouroux to deny Owura Edwards and then Brendan Wiredu prevented them from extending their advantage.

Hibs vs St Mirren - Home win

Result - Hibs 0 St Mirren 1

Boowoowoo!

Connor Ronan capitalised on some slack play from Jake Doyle-Hayes to blast past Kevin Dabrowski. That’s it.

Okay, that was a poor result for us. Can The Grambler redeem his/her/itself this week? [I wouldn’t bank on it. Notice I said bank and not bet. A few 20p bets isn’t excessive. I still wouldn’t bank on it, though. - Ed.]

Game - Result - Odds

Blackpool vs Bournemouth - Away win - 10/11

Hull vs Fulham - Away win - 4/7

Reading vs Coventry - Away win - 17/20

Queen of the South vs Arbroath - Away win - 19/20

Cowdenbeath vs Forfar - Away win - 7/10

Uh oh, The Grambler’s predicting all away wins this week. It can only end in tears. Any road up, the bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.02

Oh dear. That is decidedly unwhopping.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set in the last edition? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Lanarkshire in 1922. During my playing career, I played over 200 games for Albion Rovers and 100 games for Celtic. I am better known for my career as a manager; I managed Celtic for 13 years and Scotland for seven.

Answer - Jock Stein

2. Which manager has won the F.A. Cup the most times?

Answer - Arsene Wenger (seven times)

3. Who was the youngest manager to win the Premier League Title?

Answer - Jose Mourinho (42 when he guided Chelsea to the top)

4. Who was the only African to win Chelsea’s Player of the Year Award?

Answer - Michael Essien

5. In what country was Raheem Stirling born?

Answer - Jamaica

How did you fare? Too easy? Let’s have some for this week.

1. Who am I?

2. Which manager has been in charge of the most games in the English and Scottish leagues?

3. How many major European titles have Manchester City won?

4. What statistic is shared by Queen’s Park, Birmingham City, Crystal Palace and Watford?

5. Which Spanish player has been capped more than any other?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. M. Edwards who provides us with our finishing clip this week. Who is M. Edwards, I hear you ask. Well, Michael Edwards is better known as Eddie the Eagle. In 1988 he became the first British ski jumper to take part in a Winter Olympics in 60 years. Sadly, he came last but, in the process, he became a hero and a bit of a star, even having a film made of his exploits (Think Cool Runnings with only one bloke as the hero.). So, take it away, Eddie.

Wheeeeeee!

Happy grambling.

Friday, 4 February 2022

Post 437 - An explosive gramble

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Story time...

Well jings, crivvens, help ma boab and michty me, I'm right scunnered wi thon Institute of Chartered Accountants of Scotland so ahm ur.

Translation: Oh dear, well well well, I'm very disappointed in the ICAS, I really am.

What the fu... what are you on about, I hear you ask. Apparently, the good folk at the above mentioned professional body have deemed it wrong to use Scots words and have prepared an instruction to its members advising them of its findings. Its authors believe that non-inclusive words used frequently in Scotland could confuse people from overseas or, indeed, other parts of Britain.

My first thought on reading the article about this instruction was, how dare they complain about the language of the Scottish people. My second thought was, how many chartered accountants talk like that when discussing business. How dare they waste time coming up with such findings.

It really is becoming ridiculous that people will complain about such matters. I wouldn't say it’s wokedom at play again, but common sense tells us that such directives are totally unnecessary. As I said, no professional person, whether they are a chartered accountant or a banking (I said banking) executive, would use such a way of speaking when discussing business matters. We all adjust our language to suit the occasion. No professional person would be, for example, effing and blinding when at work (The exception is footballers, of course.) but they might resort to foul and more colloquial language when with pals in the pub.

Another part of this advisory document suggests that the use of confusing expressions such as 'raining cats and dogs' be avoided. I can agree with that to some extent. That expression doesn't make sense to anyone. Probably not even the person saying it. How can rain be likened to such animals? It's an expression that was always lost on me. Paddle your own canoe is a better example. It means you are on your own, mate. Don't say it to someone with English as a second language, though. That would really confuse them... 'Pagayer mon canoe? Je n'ai pas de canoe. Vous etes un idiot!'

However, where this guidance information does become very wokey is when it starts advising its members to avoid using gender specific terms. Thus, it suggests that the word parents should be used instead of mums and dads; children should be used instead of boys and girls.

What do you say when you are addressing a group of men and women? If you can't say hello ladies and gentlemen, what can you say? Hello people? Hello individuals? Hello folks and what about the workers?* Certainly not hello guys, a term used far too much by over-friendly waiters and waitresses... sorry, meant table servers.

And here's one that ought to really screw up their findings. Can you no longer refer to your parents' siblings as uncle and aunt? Come on you directive authors, work that one out. You can't, can you?

In conclusion, I would like to address the perpetrators of this nonsensical directive by saying, 'Gonnae stop f***ing aboot and dae something mair useful; like work. Ya f***ing numpties.'

I feel better for that.

* A favourite line of Eric Morecambe’s.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 5th of February? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Robert Peel 1788 - Politician who coined the phrase, evening all.

John Boyd Dunlop 1840 - Vet who invented the pneumatic tyre.

Patsy Hendren 1889 - Crickety bloke.

W. E. Johns 1893 - Pilot and orfer. Gave us Biggles.

Dai Francis 1911 - Trade unionist, isn’t it.

Frank Muir 1920 - Scriptwriter and radio personality.

Derek ‘Blaster’ Bates 1923 - Explosives and demolition expert and raconteur.

John Nettleton 1929 - Actor. Sir Arnold Robinson, Cabinet Secretary in Yes Minister.

Alex Harvey 1935 - Musician. Have a clip. I may have given you a link to this before, but it’s a good un’ so here it is again, The Boston Tea Party.

Brian Luckhurst 1939 - Crickety bloke.

Charlotte Rampling 1946 - Actress. Lucia in The Night Porter.

Tom Wilkinson 1948 - Actor. Gerald in The Full Monty.

Christopher Guest 1948 - Screenwriter, director, comedian, musician and actor. In fact, a right old smarty boots. Nigel Tufnol in This Is Spinal Tap.

Russell Grant 1951 - Astrologer and TV personality.

Alex Forsyth 1952 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Daniel Postgate 1964 - Illustrator, writer and owner of Smallfilms.

Michael Sheen 1969 - Actor. Latter-day Mike Yarwood. Has played Tony Blair, Kenneth Williams, David Frost, Brian Clough and Chris Tarrant.

Billy Dodds 1969 - Fitba guy.

Alison Hammond 1975 - Actress, presenter and perpetual ‘celebrity’.

Ben Ainslie 1977 - Hello sailor.

Jo Swinson 1980 - Politician.

Steven Craig 1981 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Henry Golding 1987 - Actor. Tom in Last Christmas.

Jordan Rhodes 1990 - Footy bloke/fitba guy.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Alex Grambley,

It was nice to hear a record by your beat combo The Sensational Alex Grambley Band, but I don’t believe it was your most successful single. I seem to recall you did a version of a Tom Jones song, but I can’t remember which. Can you help?

Yours with anticipation,

D. Lila.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Well, we won. Really. Actually in profit. We won some money. £3.68 from our £2.20 stake. I know, I can’t believe it either. What happened? Read on.

Barnsley vs Bournemouth - Away win

Result - Barnsley 0 Bournemouth 1

Yay!

Philip ‘Energy’ Billing headed home Dominic Solanke's cross after goalkeeper Brad Collins had been caught out of position and should have doubled the lead before half-time when he shot over from close range following good work on the left by Ryan ‘Agatha’ Christie.

Barnsley, threatened either side of the break as Mark ‘Mary’ Travers saved well from Callum ‘Harry’ Styles and (ex-Motherwell man) Devante ‘King’ Cole.

The Tykes drew a blank in front of their own fans despite a determined second-half effort as Bournemouth held on for the three points despite the late dismissal of Gary Cahill for a poor challenge on Cole.

QPR vs Reading - Home win

Result - QPR 4 Reading 0

Yay!

Lyndon ‘Tattoo’ Dykes scored with two first-half headers before team-mate Luke Amos fired the ball in off the bar.

Jimmy Dunne nodded home after the break to add further gloss to the win.

Cheltenham vs Wigan - Away win

Result - Cheltenham 0 Wigan 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Alfie ‘Cumquat’ May's corner was nodded into the middle by Will ‘Pot’ Boyle and Callum ‘Allus’ Wright headed over from a good position in the fifth minute as Cheltenham started well.

Gwion ‘King’ Edwards saw a low shot flash wide of the left post at the other end in the 24th minute, but the leaders found it hard to break down their well-drilled hosts.

May fired wide after the ball fell kindly to him in the Wigan box in the 28th minute.

Wigan missed a big chance to take the lead eight minutes after half-time when Graeme Shinnie's pass was helped on by the chest of Josh Magennis into the path of Will Keane, but the striker could not hit the target and injured himself in the process.

Jack Whatmough shot straight at Evans. Ben Williams was sent off for a second yellow card in stoppage time.

Doncaster vs Plymouth - Away win

Result - Doncaster 1 Plymouth 3

Yay!

Doncaster took the lead after 10 minutes when an attempt to clear a Tommy ‘Dizzy’ Rowe cross was sliced straight at Branden ‘Tim’ Horton, who turned home.

Rovers could have extended their advantage through new signing Mipo Odubeko and Josh Martin.

But Plymouth grabbed the equaliser in the 23rd minute when Luke Jephcott powered in a cutback from Niall ‘Rutle’ Ennis.

Doncaster were the most threatening before the break and should have been ahead with Odubeko missing a pair of chances.

Plymouth moved 2-1 in front after 63 minutes when an unmarked Joe Edwards headed home a deep cross from Macaulay Gillesphey.

Both sides rattled the post in quick succession with Rowe volleying off the upright shortly before Jephcott almost doubled his tally.

Argyle extended their advantage when substitute Jordan ‘David’ Garrick smashed in from 10 yards with 11 minutes remaining.

Gillingham vs Oxford - Away win

Result - Gillingham 2 Oxford 7

Yay!

Cameron ‘Laura’ Brannagan scored four penalties as Oxford ran riot in an impressive 7-2 victory over Gillingham.

Billy Bodin fired the visitors in front after eight minutes, brilliantly cutting inside Max Ehmer to poke past Pontus ‘Pilate’ Dahlberg at the end of an incisive counter-attack.

Oxford doubled their lead soon after as Brannagan coolly converted his first penalty of the afternoon, awarded by Bobby ‘Songs’ Madley for Olly Lee's lunge on Matty ‘Thirty Bob’ Taylor.

Taylor all but sealed Oxford's win just 19 minutes into the game when he glanced his header from Bodin's free-kick into the bottom corner.

Brannagan extended the visitors' advantage three minutes after half-time with his second spot-kick, one that he won himself after being bundled over by the careless Dahlberg.

The U's midfielder then became the first player in English football since Gillingham's Josh Wright nearly five years ago to score a hat-trick of penalties, blazing his third off the inside of the post following Jack Tucker's foul on Sam Long.

Danny ‘Hugh’ Lloyd beat Oxford goalkeeper Jack Stevens at the second attempt to claim one back for the Gills.

After substitute Daniel Phillips was adjudged to have handled in the box, Brannagan completed his unforgettable day seven minutes from time with the best of his four spot-kicks.

Gillingham added a second late on through Robbie McKenzie before substitute Anthony Forde slid to knock Ryan Williams' cross into an empty net for Oxford's seventh.

So close to a full house. Never mind. What has The Grambler randomly selected for us this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Charlton vs Wimbledon - Home win - 10/11

MK Dons vs Lincoln - Home win - 10/11

Shrewsbury vs Fleetwood - Home win - Evens

Orient vs Colchester - Home win - 17/20

Hibs vs St Mirren - Home win - 17/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£12.78

Do you want a short history lesson? [Not really. - Ed.] I wondered to myself if anything interesting happened in the year 1278 and found a tale of anti-semitism that rivals that of 20th century Nazi Germany. And it happened in England. At this time, Jews were deprived of a legal livelihood, were limited as to where they could live and were required to wear a yellow badge to identify them as Jewish. Sound familiar? Worse was to come. Coins at that time were made from precious metals and were not milled around their circumference as modern day coins are. Coin clipping was rife at this time and it was treated as being a capital crime if anyone was found interfering with currency. Though many people were guilty of coin clipping and Jews were singled out as being responsible and many were arrested. The following year 300 (out of a population of 3000) Jews were executed. Only 29 non-Jews were executed. There followed the expulsion of Jews and by 1290 all had been forced to leave.

Not the cheeriest of subjects, but it just shows that whenever there is a crisis, there is a minority who will be blamed.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set in the last edition? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Gateshead in 1967. I began my senior career at Newcastle United, before several moves to, among others, Spurs, Lazio, Rangers, Middlesbrough and Everton. I was capped 57 times for England. Wikipedia says that I was ‘widely recognised as the most naturally talented English footballer of his generation’.

Answer - Paul Gascoigne

2. Who has made the most Premier League appearances for Crystal Palace?

Answer - Wilfried Zaha

3. Who was the last English manager of Arsenal?

Answer - Steve Burtenshaw who was caretaker manager for two months from March 1986.

4. How many Scots have managed F.A. Cup winning teams?

Answer - 18 (Don’t ask me to list them.)

5. Which African national teams have the nicknames Super Eagles (for the men’s team) and Super Falcons (for the women’s team)?

Answer - Nigeria

How about another five to test you this week? Why not.

1. Who am I?

2. Which manager has won the F.A. Cup the most times?

3. Who was the youngest manager to win the Premier League Title?

4. Who was the only African to win Chelsea’s Player of the Year Award?

5. In what country was Raheem Stirling born?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. D. Bates, better known as ‘Blaster’ Bates, explosives expert and raconteur. Are you ready for a bit of Hovis time? [Oh gawd. - Ed.] When I were a lad, we had a friend of the family who came from Crewe (as did Blaster), worked at Rolls-Royce (as did Blaster) and had served in the Royal Air Force during WWII (as had Blaster). Frank, for that was his name, was a huge fan of Blaster Bates... local lad done good... and had several records of his funny, but earthy, stories. I recall an occasion when he put a record on to let my dad hear some of them. Obviously, he had forgotten that dad had a seven year old kid in tow (me). After hearing a few bloodies, a couple of buggers and a lot of shites, my old man decided that this was not for my ears and dragged me off home. Any road up, when I grew up I got to hear some of Blaster’s tales and thoroughly enjoyed them. So, to end this week’s edition, here is a short extract from one of his hilarious after-dinner talks. I will warn you now, it is definitely not woke. Ladeez and genullum, I give you (with coarse language intact) Blaster Bates.

Here, stick this in your back pocket.

Happy grambling.

Pages

Friday, 18 February 2022

Post 439 - The Grambler awards

Saturday, 12 February 2022

Post 438 - Grambling at the Winter Olympics

Friday, 4 February 2022

Post 437 - An explosive gramble

£12.78

The Bobby Moore Fund

Links