Saturday, 11 June 2022

Post 450 - A jubilee gramble... sort of

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

Story time...

I've not done an anniversary special for a while, so do you fancy a (g)ramble through the history books? No? Tough, that's what you're getting.

Well, I thought it would be apt since we have recently been celebrating Betty being on the throne for 70 years. Huzzah! Well done your majesty! Well done for staying alive for such a long time. I absolutely went to town by celebrating the big event with absolute and complete indifference. In fact, I did go to town, literally, rather than sit and watch all the piffle that was shown on TV. What was all that nonsense with her talking to an imaginary bear and keeping sandwiches in her handbag? Think she’s lost it.

Or has she? Was it any coincidence that Paddington Bear was voiced by Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the Ukrainian language version of the Paddington films? I don’t think so. By sharing Paddington’s love of marmalade sandwiches, was Liz telling Mr Putin that the Brits were very much on the side of Ukraine? Hmm? Or is she just plain batty? Discuss.

I'm not sure why June the 5th was chosen as the date for the big celebration as she became Queen on the 6th of February. Too cold for street parties then, perhaps.

She may be the longest reigning British monarch but she has to keep breathing for another couple of years if she wants to wrest the title as world's longest reigner (I think I have just made that word up.) from Louis XIV of France. He was king for over 72 years. Mind you, he was only four when he assumed the title.

Incidentally, if she hangs around for another few days, she will become the world's second longest reigning monarch when she overtakes Rama IX of Thailand.

Next we have a sad anniversary from 100 years ago. Ernest Shackleton snuffed it in 1922.

As so often happens with British heroes, we celebrated Shackleton not for being a winner, but for being a didn't-quite-make-it-er. He didn't quite make it to the South Pole in the same way that Robert Scott did(n't). The same way that George Mallory didn't quite climb Mount Everest. Or The Who who never quite got a number one single.

What Shackleton did manage was to get every member of his South Pole expedition home safely.

Unfortunately, the expedition began in 1914 and ended in 1916 when the Great War was at its height. Having endured two years of fighting their way through, and surviving, Antarctica, many of the crew were immediately called up to fight and were sent to the trenches. Most didn't return.

On a cheerier note, 150 years ago, the first F.A. Cup Final took place. It was between Wanderers and Royal Engineers. Wanderers won with the only goal of the match.

Actually, they only got to the final by default. In the semi-final, they drew with Queen's Park who had to withdraw from the competition because they couldn't afford the train fare from Glasgow to London.

Changed days. Now, they could all travel in their chauffeur driven cars.. oh, hang on, they couldn't, Queen's Park are still an amateur club.

1872 also saw the first election of an MP by secret ballot. Wait a mo. Secret? I don't think so. Even now, every ballot paper has a number on it which tallies with the voter's name. What's secret about that?

Did you know that 2022 is the 500th anniversary of the first circumnavigation of the world? Well the first recorded one, anyway. [Did you care? - Ed.] It was led by Ferdinand Magellan who, a bit like Scott and Shackleton, didn't actually complete the circumnavigation having been killed by Mactan warriors when they didn't want to convert to Christianity. The expedition had made several stops at islands on the journey and had usually managed to persuade locals to convert by giving them a quick demonstration of the fleet's weaponry.

Five ships with 270 men on board left Spain in September 1519. Only 18 men on board one ship (captained by Juan Sebastian Elcano, who really should get the plaudits and not the Magellan bloke) returned to Spain after the three year voyage. Quite the success, then.

It is also 100 years since Howard Carter unearthed the tomb of Tutankhamen and started what became known as the curse of Tutankhamen. Ten suspicious deaths among those that were involved in the find? A curse, obviously. What else could it be. The first casualty occurred on the day of discovery; Carter's pet canary got eaten by a cobra. That’s not a curse; that’s someone feeding a canary to a snake.

It is 60 years ago that Ursula Andress walked out of the sea wearing a bikini. You remember it, don’t you? James Bond could hardly contain himself. So began the longest series of films based on a single character, although, like Doctor Who (or Doctor Oho as those of us of a certain age remember it) he keeps changing his appearance. Clever, that.

Another anniversary from 60 years ago ends our little wander down memory lane. Four Liverpudlian musicians decided that, being a decent enough combo, they could do better than being Tony Sheridan’s* backing band. Who would have thought that it would be the beginning of seven years of them being the dominant force in music throughout the western world? The first song that charted for them back in 1962, while being pleasant enough, certainly didn’t suggest that happening. What was that song? Something about a pigeon fancier... Love me do.

Let's end with a joke. Paul McCartney walking along the road when he hears a faint cry...

'Oi! Watch it mate!'

Paul looks down and sees that the source of the cry was a small beetle. 'Wow! A talking beetle! That's amazing. Do you know, I once named a band after you?'

'What? Eric?'

Boom and indeed tish.

*See birthday honours.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Since The Grambler hasn’t posted anything for a few weeks, let’s just concentrate on the musical birthdays. All right with that? [No. - Ed.] As I stated earlier... tough.

Were any famous or not so well-known (musical) individuals born on the 21st of May? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Terry Lightfoot 1935 - Musician who formed his own ‘trad jazz’ band in 1955. Here is a hit from 1961, King Kong.

Tony Sheridan 1940 - Singer/songwriter. He worked with The Beatles before they were famous. Here’s My Bonnie. I’ll bet they’re glad they got shot of him. Ye gods!

Martin Carthy 1941 - Folkie. Here he is ably assisted by the lovely Dave Swarbrick on The Two Magicians.

Hilton Valentine 1943 - Original guitarist with The Animals. Let’s have a bit of that ol’ house in New Orleans. Not bad; not a guitar lead in sight.

Vincent Crane 1943 - Keyboard player for The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. He also co-wrote this, their only hit, Fire. I think Alice Cooper may have watched that and thought, hang on...

Leo Sayer 1948 - Singer. What hit toon shall we have? How about this one, Moonlighting.

Cheer up Leo

And now, 28th of May...

Lew Stone 1898 - Bandleader. Here is White Jazz. That title would probably be considered racist nowadays.

Stephen Harrington aka Steve Strange 1959 - Musician. He was the leader of Visage who had one big hit, Fade to Grey.

Roland Gift 1961 - A fine young cannibal if ever there was one. Let’s have a clip. Here’s Johnny Come Home.

Gavin Harrison 1963 - Drummer with Porcupine Tree, a progressive rock band formed in 1987. 1987? Crikey, time flies.

Kylie Minogue 1968 - Actress and rather successful singer. Here’s a song I just can’t get out of my head.

Mark Richardson 1970 - Currently the drummer with Skunk Anansie, but has also been the stick wielder with Feeder and Little Angels. Here’s that band’s best-performing single, Womankind.

Jimi Goodwin 1970 - Main man in Doves. That’s the band, not the bird. Or the soap, for that matter. Any road up, here’s the band’s number 3 hit, There Goes The Fear.

General Levy 1971 - Ragga deejay. Remember M-Beat? No? Had a hit with Incredible. No? Well, here it is.

Let’s move on quickly to those born on the 4th of June...

Roger Ball 1944 - Musician. Founder-member of Average White Band. He penned the big one. He got the idea when he went to his nearest Greggs to Pick Up The Pieces. That joke is probably lost outside of Scotland.

Gordon Waller 1945 - Singer. Half of Peter & Gordon. [Which one was he? - Ed.] Ahem... Let’s have a clip. Here’s a 2005 live version of Nobody I Know.

John Perry 1952 - Musician. He was the guitarist with The Only Ones. Here is their biggest hit, Another Girl, Another Planet. That has a real 1990s feel to it, but was actually recorded in 1978.

Jimmy McCulloch 1953 - Guitarist. Played in various bands in his all-too-short career (He died aged just 26.) including Stone the Crows, Thunderclap Newman and Wings. He was a friend of The Who and played on solo albums by John Entwistle and Roger Daltrey. Here he is playing alongside Peter Frampton on John Entwistle’s Apron Strings. Fancy him wearing a pinny!

Mikey Dread 1954 - Singer, producer and broadcaster. Here he wants to break down the walls.

Chris Kavanagh 1964 - Drummer, notably with Sigue Sigue Sputnik and Big Audio Dynamite II. Here is Big Audio Dynamite with Rush.

Ralph Salmins 1964 - Another drummer. He is currently the bongo basher with The Waterboys. Here is the band’s latest single, Here We Go Again.

Tony McCarroll 1971 - Yet another drummer. He was the original stick man for Oasis. Another clip? Why, soitenly. Here is Shakermaker. aka I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.

Scott Hammond 1973 - Would you Adam and Eve it, another drummer. June the 4th is obviously the day for drummers. Hammond has worked with Ian Anderson since 2010 and that gives me an excuse to give you a Jethro Tull track. Yay! Here’s The Zealot Gene.

Julian Marley 1975 - Musician. Son of Bob. Here is Lion In The Morning.

And finally, the 11th of June...

Alexander Faris 1921 - Composer. Here’s a toon you might recognise. That was Sandy doing the conducting.

Lynsey de Paul 1948 - Singer/songwriter. Here’s her first hit which sounds a bit messy, Sugar Me. That kid in the multi-coloured shirt has got absolutely no rhythm.

Graham Russell 1950 - Musician. A bit of that band of balladeers, Air Supply. Here’s an early (1976) toon called Love and Other Bruises.

Costadinos Contostavlos 1987 - Who? Better known as Dappy, singer with N-Dubz. Famous for his unusual headwear, known as dappy hats. [What came first, the Dappy or the hat? - Ed.] Don’t know. Don’t care. Have a clip. Here’s I Need You.

Jorja Smith 1997 - Singer. Here is her Teenage Fantasy.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Gramblie Minogue,

We have been fans of yours ever since we first saw you wield a spanner in Neighbours. Even before you got married to Jason Donovan. Talking of Jason, didn’t you two have a number one record together? What was it called?

Yours searchingly,

S. Pesha, Lee Fore-Yew.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Well, we didn’t win. Period. What happened? Read on...

Aston Villa vs Crystal Palace - Home win

Result - Aston Villa 1 Crystal Palace 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Leeds vs Brighton - Away win

Result - Leeds 1 Brighton 1

Ooh! ’It the bar! Again!

Watford vs Leicester - Away win

Result - Watford 1 Leicester 5

Yay!

West Ham vs Manchester City - Away win

Result - West Ham 2 Man City 2

Ooh! ’It the bar! Once again!

Wolves vs Norwich - Home win

Result - Wolves 1 Norwich 1

I don’t believe it!

Who’d have thunk it? Four out of five were draws. Rubbish or what!

Any road up, this being a weekend of international matches in the UEFA Nations League, shall we have a bet on some of those? Yes, Let’s. All matches take place on Saturday the 11th of June at 7.45pm. So, let’s have a look at The Grambler’s random predictions.

Game - Result - Odds

England vs Italy - England to win - 17/20

Luxembourg vs Turkey - Turkey to win - 9/20

Netherlands vs Poland - Netherlands to win - 4/11

Romania vs Finland - Romania to win - 6/5

Wales vs Belgium - Belgium to win - 4/5

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£8.74

Whopping? Don’t think so.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in La Louviere, Belgium in 1991. I made my senior debut with Lille in 2007. In 2012 I moved to Chelsea. I played 245 times and was named as Chelsea’s player of the year on four occasions. I was signed by Real Madrid in 2019. I have been capped 116 times.

Answer - Eden Hazard

2. Which Belgian has scored the most international goals (It’s not the guy in question one.)

Answer - Romelu Lukaku

3. Who is currently the longest-serving manager in the Premier League?

Answer - Jurgen Klopp

4. Liverpool won the League and FA Cups this year; which other teams have achieved the cup ‘double’?

Answer - Manchester City, Arsenal and Chelsea

5. Which club plays at Brunton Park?

Answer - Carlisle United

Let’s have five for this week...

1. Who am I?
I was born in Tocopilla, Chile in 1988. I am a forward with Inter Milan but have had spells at Udinese, Barcelona, Arsenal and Manchester United. I have been capped for Chile 148 times and am the highest goalscorer for the Chilean national side having scored 48 times.

2. Which Polish player has scored the most international goals?

3. Which club is managed by Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink?

4. Which club plays at Gresty Road?

5. A daft one to finish. Name the nine clubs in the English and Scottish senior leagues with parts of the body in their names. Arsenal doesn’t count, nor do either of the Bristols and definitely not the team which is about to be relegated to the National League.

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. N. Evans who was born on the 11th June 1901. Who, I hear you ask. Norman Evans was the inspiration for Les Dawson and Roy Barraclough’s Cissie and Ada sketches. To finish this week, take a look at one of Evans' most famous creations, Fanny Fairbottom in 'Over the Garden Wall'.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

Happy grambling.

Sunday, 15 May 2022

Post 449 - Grambling stupid sizes!!

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Story time...

'That's 60 litres at £1.70 per litre... that's £102 exactly, sir.'

'60 litres?! That can't be right. My petrol tank only holds 50 litres!'

'Well sir, our litres are a bit on the small side.'

'That's ridiculous! A litre's a litre. You can't have a smaller amount than elsewhere. That just doesn't make sense!'

'I think you'll find that it does make sense...'

Sorry pardon excuse me? How can it make sense?

Let's consider something else...

'Hello, is that Layabout Carpets?'

'It is. How can I help you?'

'I've just had a new carpet from you.'

'Okay. And is there a problem?'

'Yes. You've charged me too much. You've billed me for 24 feet.'

'That's the size we got when we measured it.'

'But the room is only 20 feet long.'

'Well, our feet are a little on the small side.'

'I beg your pardon? That is just nonsense'

Nonsense, you say. Then how do clothes manufacturers get away with it?
Women's clothing seems to come in some arbitrary measurement system based on even numbers. Thus if you go from a size 10 to a size 12, you have gone up one size. Not two. I know. Totally baffling.

How many ladies out there in gramblerland would say they were a size 14? I'll bet there are some other sizes in your wardrobe as well. A few size 12 dresses? Perhaps a few that are size 16? I wouldn't be surprised if there was a size 18 or two. My point is that all of these dresses or blouses are the same size to look at and all fit perfectly, so why is there a discrepancy (That's a good word. Must look it up.) in their size numbers? You tell me. It seems there is no strict rule on what these sizes should be. I used the word arbitrary earlier and I think it sums up the manufacturers' sizing system.

Having said all that, there are a few women out there who insist they are a particular size and stick with that, no matter how ludicrous a size 12 looks on a size 18 figure.

The same can be said of the terms small, medium and large. A large size for a Philippino would not fit a large-sized American. No offence to Americans, but there are some biggies over there.

Back to the plot, I am fairly tall so I tend to buy, say, shirts [Shirts. Now what? - Ed.], ahem, in a 'large' size. However, as with dress sizes, large can mean anything the makers want it to mean. Unlike Mrs G I try to stick with the same nomenclature. So if it says large on the label and it doesn't fit, I simply don't buy it. Like the size 12/18 ladies, I don't want to admit I might be extra large.

Something else I don't buy is trouser measurements. (Do you see what I did there?) Again trouser sizes go up in twos... the waist size is always an even number and the leg length is always an odd number. So, if your waist size is 35 inches... tough. You'll have to put up with a tight 34 or a baggy 36. Or do you? As with the dress and shirt sizes mentioned already, trousers, even though they are supposed to be in a recognised system of measurement, are not always what they are meant to be. You would think that if it says 36 inches waist size on the label, that is what you would get. Don't you believe it. Labelling trouser waist sizes seems to be every bit as random as dress sizes.

This was brought home to me recently when I bought a pair of trousers from a shop with a name like text. Any road up, they were a size 36 with a 31 inch leg length and they fit me perfectly. I was so pleased with my purchase that I decided to get a second pair in a different colour. Sadly, the store had none in stock so would have to order them for me. No problem, said I.

A few days later my parcel arrived... the same trousers in a different colour. Perfect. No not perfect. I'm sure you are well ahead of me here, but they were a totally different size. Too tight in the waist, too short in the leg.

So there you have it; the same product, from the same source, with identical labelling and still there is a discrepancy.

And don't get me started on shoe sizes.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 14th of May? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know... not personally, you understand.

Thomas Gainsborough 1727 - Painter. Very reasonable rates.

Robert Owen 1771 - Social reformer.

Miles Mander 1888 - Actor, director, producer, playwright and novelist. In fact, a right old smarty boots. Wait. There’s more. Before turning to the film industry he was an early aviator, a captain in the Royal Army Service Corps in WWI and a sheep farmer in New Zealand. His first film role was in 1920 and over the next 25 years or so, he featured in 108 films (according to IMDb). Quite a character.

Jackie Rae 1941 - Singer, songwriter and presenter. The first host of The Golden Shot. He wrote a few tunes too. Here’s one you might know, Happy Heart. That was Andy Williams opening a jar of pickles for Petula Clark. No, I don’t get it, either.

Bernie, the bolt.

Terence Longdon 1922 - Actor. Appeared in four of the early Carry On films - Sergeant, Nurse, Constable and Regardless.

Oona O’Neill 1925 - Actress who married Charlie Chaplin one month after her 18th birthday. He was three times her age. Not right. Not then. Not now.

Ninian Sanderson 1925 - Racing drivery bloke.

Eric Morecambe 1925 - Comedian.

Henry McGee 1928 - Comedy actor. Worked with Benny Hill for 20 years, usually as the straight man interviewing the likes of Fred Scuttle or the oriental gentleman.

Sian Philips 1933 - Actress. Livia in I, Clavdivs. 127 credits on IMDb and counting. She is still working.

Eric Caldow 1934 - Fitba guy.

Chay Blyth 1940 - Hello, sailor.

John Forgeham 1941 - Actor. Jim Baines in Crossroads: Kings Oak.

Prentis Hancock 1942 - Actor. Paul Morrow in Space: 1999.

Derek ‘Lek’ Leckenby 1943 - Musician. Lead guitarist in Herman’s Hermits and, after Herman decided to go solo, The Hermits. Here is that later incarnation with Ginny Go Softly. That was Saturday night entertainment in the 1970s? Ye gods and little fishes!

Jack Bruce 1943 - Musician. Best remembered as bassist/vocalist with Cream. Let’s have a clip. Here’s White Room.

Alan Gordon 1944 - Fitba guy.

Francesca Annis 1945 - Actress. Vivien in Flesh and Blood.

Jack Galloway 1947 - Actor. Donald Farfrae in The Mayor of Casterbridge.

Bob Woolmer 1948 - Crickety bloke.

Sammy Johnson 1948 - Actor, like. Archie in Crocodile Shoes.

David Byrne 1952 - Singer, songwriter, record producer, actor, writer, music theorist and filmmaker. Smarty boots par excellence. Talking Heads’ main man. Let’s have a clip. Here he is with, not with Talking Heads (though you might recognise the dance) but, St. Vincent and Who. I've just told you, St. Vincent.

Robin Hill 1953 - Guitarist. Here he is with Peter Wiltschinsky [That’s easy for you to say. - Ed.] with one you should recognise, Perfidia.

Joe Craig 1954 - Fitba guy.

Hazel Blears 1956 - Politician.

Steve Hogarth 1956 - Musician. Frontman for Marillion. Would you like a clip? Course you would. Here’s You're Gone.

Jan Ravens 1958 - Impressionist. [What, she’s a painter? - Ed.]

Tim Roth 1961 - Actor. Mr. Orange/Freddy in Reservoir Dogs.

David Quantick 1961 - Writer. He claims to have penned the first internet sitcom (or docusitcom), Junkies.

Ian Blackford 1961 - Politician. Not a fan of Bozzer, it would seem.

Ian Astbury 1962 - Singer. Vocalist with The Cult (I said cult). Would you like a clip? I’ll bet you would. Here’s Lil' Devil.

Tony Marshall 1964 - Actor. Noel Garcia in Casualty.

Emma Forbes 1965 - Radio presenter.

Greg Davies 1968 - Comedian. Aka The Taskmaster.

Cate Blanchett 1969 - Actress. The voice of Valka in the How to Train Your Dragon series of films. Did you know that? I didn’t til I looked it up.

Clare Teal 1973 - Singer. Another clip. You betcha. Here’s All for Love.

Martine McCutcheon 1976 - Actress and singer. Tiffany in Eastenders. That kickstarted her singing career. Here’s her number one from 1999, Perfect Moment.

Lee McCullough 1978 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Clinton Morrison 1979 - Footy bloke.

Jim Howick 1979 - Actor. Pat Butcher in Ghosts.

Nigel Reo-Coker 1984 - Footy bloke.

Olly Murs 1984 - Singer and songwriter. Do you a clip? You do? Are you sure? Okay, here’s Dear Darlin'

Louis Moult 1992 - Footy bloke. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Aaron Ramsdale 1998 - Footy bloke.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Steve Hogramble,

So nice to hear a Marillion track with your good self on vocals rather than that big fellow that used to sing with them. Tell me, what was the first top 40 hit the band had after you took over as vocalist?

Yours enquiringly,

E. Sturr.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last week? Well, we didn’t win. We didn’t lose, either. We got exactly £2.20 back from our £2.20 stake. What were odds on that happening? What happened? Read on...

Barrow vs Northampton - Away win

Result - Barrow 1 Northampton 3

Yay!

Sam Hoskins curled home a delightful opener from 20 yards after just five minutes and it was 2-0 soon after when Fraser Horsfall headed home Mitch Pinnock's corner at the back post.

Midfielder Hoskins then added his second and Northampton's third with a neat finish into the bottom corner after Josh Eppiah won possession.

With the visitors rampant, only a fine Joe Grayson tackle prevented Eppiah from making it 4-0 and that intervention proved vital in keeping Barrow in the game, with Josh Kay's tidy finish from John Rooney's corner bringing a glimmer of hope for the hosts.

An improved second-half performance saw Josh Gordon hit the bar for the hosts and brought spells of sustained pressure and a few close calls.

Hoskins nearly grabbed a fourth goal but was denied by a superb Paul Farman save.

Bradford vs Carlisle - Home win

Result - Bradford 2 Carlisle 1

Yay!

Bradford were rewarded for a bright start by going ahead in the 13th minute as Lee Angol diverted Charles Vernam's shot past goalkeeper Mark Howard.

Bradford kept up the pressure and Jamie Walker twice came close to increasing their lead, both chances coming from crosses from right-back Luke Hendrie.

Walker first saw his shot blocked and then Howard saved the rebound in the 19th minute.

Four minutes later Howard turned the ball over the crossbar at full stretch.

Bradford keeper Alex Bass was rarely troubled, although he was called into action in the 28th minute by a 20-yard shot from Jordan Gibson.

Carlisle pressed hard for an equaliser at the start of the second half but created few clear-cut chances and Walker increased Bradford's lead in the 70th minute.

The goal came less than a minute after Carlisle had had an appeal for a penalty turned down when Hendrie tangled with Kristian Dennis.

Bradford went straight down the other end and Walker took a short pass from Dion Pereira before scoring with a low right-footed shot.

Harrogate vs Sutton Utd - Away win

Result - Harrogate 0 Sutton 2

Yay!

Goals from Craig Eastmond and Isaac Olaofe gave Sutton victory at Harrogate.

Eastmond poked in the loose ball after Omar Bugiel's header hit the bar.

And Olaofe sealed the win with a late right-footed strike from near the edge of the penalty area.

After skipper Eastmond's opener, the hosts almost equalised when a corner was headed against the bar by Rory McArdle.

Olaofe headed against the post after being found by Eastwood shortly before the interval, and a second-half effort by Bugiel also hit the woodwork before Olaofe doubled the lead.

Mansfield vs Forest Green - Home win

Result - Mansfield 2 Forest Green 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Matty Longstaff had put the hosts ahead before the break, with Ebou Adams restoring parity just after the hour mark.

Two goals in two late minutes saw Jordan Bowery restore Mansfield's lead before Josh March hit back to snatch the point.

The hosts went ahead through Longstaff who met a deflected ball from Jamie Murphy (ex-Motherwell, you know) in the box before beating goalkeeper Luke McGee with his second attempt.

Rovers were a constant threat and eventually restored parity, thanks to Adams' cool finish after latching on to a through ball from Jamille Matt.

Matt sent a close-range header over the crossbar soon after and Nicky Cadden had a shot saved by Nathan Bishop as the visitors chased a winner, but it was Bowery who scored a second for the Stags.

But just a minute after coming off the bench, March beat the offside trap to lift a fine finish over the home goalkeeper.

Newport vs Rochdale - Home win

Result - Newport 0 Rochdale 2

Boo oo oo!

Matt Done's goal set Rochdale on their way to a final day victory at Newport County.

Ethan Brierley's lovely through ball allowed Done to beat the Exiles offside trap and fire past Nick Townsend.

Newport came close to equalising before half-time when Finn Azaz hit the post after combining with Dom Telford.

A late second from Abraham Odoh, finding the near bottom corner sealed the points.

Now then, what about this weekend? There can’t be that many divisions with games to play. Are there even five to randomly choose from? [Eh? That’s not how random works. - Ed.]

There are five Premier League games taking place this Sunday (15th) at 2pm, so let’s go with them.

Game - Result - Odds

Aston Villa vs Crystal Palace - Home win - Evens

Leeds vs Brighton - Away win - 8/5

Watford vs Leicester - Away win - 19/20

West Ham vs Manchester City - Away win - 2/5

Wolves vs Norwich - Home win - 9/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£12.64

Hmm... fairly average whopping.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Birmingham in 1995. I play as a winger or attacking midfielder. I joined Aston Villa aged 6. I made my first senior appearance for them in 2014 after a loan spell at Notts County. In 2021 I signed with Manchester City for £100 million, a record for an English player.

Answer - Jack Grealish

2. Which player holds the record for the most Champions League winners’ medals?

Answer - It’s that man Cristiano Ronaldo with five

3. Which current Premier League player has made the most P.L. appearances?

Answer - James Milner (585 and counting)

4. Which father and son have made almost 600 Premier League appearances between them?

Answer - Peter and Kasper Schmeichel

5. What Premier League team is sponsored by Lotus?

Answer - Norwich City

How did you do? Five out of five? How about five more for this week? We begin with...

1. Who am I?

2. Which Belgian has scored the most international goals (It’s not the guy in question one.)

3. Who is currently the longest-serving manager in the Premier League?

4. Liverpool won the League and FA Cups this year; which other teams have achieved the cup ‘double’?

5. Which club plays at Brunton Park?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. E. Bartholomew, one of Britain’s favourite comedians in the 1960s and 70s. Who, I hear you ask. Eric Morecambe, I answer. He changed his name to that of his home town. If his comedy partner, Ernie Wise, had done the same thing, we might now be remembering Morecambe and Leeds. That’s neither here nor there, but I think we should finish this week with something from the biggest British TV stars of that era. It was said that people gauged how good a Christmas they had by the quality of that year’s Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special. So here, ladeez and genullum is the entire 1969 Christmas show. [I’m guessing that was a particularly dull Christmas, then. - Ed.]

Happy grambling.

Saturday, 7 May 2022

Post 448 - The Grambler casts a cloot

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Story time...

This is a conversation which actually, definitely, most certainly took place.*

'Morning, Mr G.'

'(Uh oh, it's my nosey know-all neighbour, Nigel.) Hello, Nigel.'

'I see you've taken your coat off.'

'You don't miss a thing, do you?'

‘No, I don't. Far too early.'

'Pardon?'

'Yes it's far too early in the year. You know what they say, don't you?'

'No. What do they say?'

'They say ne'er cast a clout till May is out.'

'Is that what they say?'

'Indeed they do. Ne'er cast a clout... It's poetic.'

'What is?'

'Ne'er. Poets say that. It’s called poetic licence.'

'Really? How very interesting. (By which I mean how totally boring.)'

'I'll wager you don't even know what a clout is.'

'(It's what I want to give anyone who insists on telling me something I don't want to know.) Doesn't it mean cloth, as in don't start shedding layers of clothing until the end of May?'

'Oh my goodness me, no. Oh dearie me. No no no. A clout isn't a coat at all. It is, in actual fact, a stitch.'

'A stitch?'

'Indeed. You know... A stitch in time saves nine? One of them. Yes, in actual fact, it dates back to olden times when people wore cloaks rather than coats.'

'Well, that explains it. (What the f*** are you on about?)'

'You see, people would wear their cloaks in winter and would stitch them to help conserve heat. Casting a clout refers to the removing of the stitches when the warmer weather came.'

'So they wore their cloaks through the winter?'

'Indeed they did.'

'And never took them off?'

'I'm sorry?'

'Well if they were stitched to conserve heat and the stitches weren't removed till the warm weather, people must have been sewn into the cloaks and unable to take them off.'

'Erm... um... er... Yes... Well... Ahh... Did you know May doesn't refer to the month of May?'

'Doesn't it?'

'Oh my goodness me, no. In actual fact it refers to the time when May blossom is on the trees. Or it has been suggested that it, in actual fact, refers to mayflies appearing. So there you are. Clout means a stitch and May doesn't mean the month. In actual fact, ninety-nine point nine per cent of people don't know that.'

'That's because in actual fact ninety-nine point nine per cent of people couldn't give a flying f***... Did I just say that out loud?'

* Well, maybe it wasn’t quite like that... Poetic licence.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 7th of May? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know... not many, though.

Valentine Dyall 1908 - Actor. Deep Thought in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Huw Wheldon 1916 - Controller and later managing director of the British Broadcorping Casteration.

David Tomlinson 1917 - Actor. Mr Banks in Mary Poppins.

David Hatch 1939 - Radio performer and producer.

Jim Craig 1943 - Fitba guy. A Lisbon Lion, you know.

Richard O’Sullivan 1944 - Actor. Robin in Robin’s Nest and before it, Man About The House.

Brian Turner 1946 - Chef.

Michael Rosen 1946 - Children’s writer. We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, that was one of his.

Pete Wingfield 1948 - Musician. He had one hit, Eighteen with a Bullet, but let’s have a non-hit instead. Here’s We Fit Together.

Bernie Marsden 1951 - Musician. He was in many bands, none more successful than Whitesnake, so let’s have a clip. What’s it to be? Not sure if he is in the video, but he did co-write this one, Here I Go Again.

Steve Diggle 1955 - A Buzzcock. He took over vocal duties when Pete Shelley left The Buzzcocks to go solo. Here’s the band’s biggest hit with Diggle on vocals, Harmony In My Head. Sorry about the scary man at the start of that clip.

Anne Dudley 1956 - Musician. She was part of The Art of Noise. Here is their biggest hit, Close (to the Edit) here performed live in 2004.

Marty Willson-Piper 1958 - Musician. Has been involved with bands The Church, All About Eve and Anekdoten. Here is a clip from The Church, Anna Miranda.

Norman Whiteside 1965 - Footy blook, so he is.

Morgana Robinson 1982 - Comedienne.

Jay Bothroyd 1982 - Footy bloke.

Garry O’Connor 1983 - Fitba guy.

Matthew Helders 1986 - An Arctic Monkey. Have a clip. Here’s the Arctics’ first biggie, I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor.

Mark Reynolds 1987 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Iain Vigurs 1988 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Fraser Murray 1999 - Fitba guy.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Matthew Gramblers,

It was so nice to hear the song I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor. I do worry about the object of the singer’s attention who, while appearing to be able to dance well, seems to be suffering from a frozen shoulder. I’m surprised it didn’t impair her dancing, because it’s a very painful thing, a frozen shoulder. Perhaps she had it strapped up, or was on some strong painkillers. Anyhoo, my question to you is, did the Arctic Monkeys have any other number one records?

Yours with kisses on the bottom,

Wendy Sungose-Downe.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last week? Well, we won. Sort of. £1.84 back from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on...

Rochdale vs Bristol Rovers - Away win

Result - Rochdale 3 Bristol Rovers 4

Yay! (just)

Hat-trick hero Aaron Collins snatched a late winner as Bristol Rovers twice overturned a two-goal deficit to beat Rochdale 4-3.

Dale took a two-goal lead into the break after Luke Charman netted in the ninth minute and added a second eight minutes later.

Rovers improved after the break and Sam Finley brought them back into the game with a composed finish in the 53rd minute.

Dale restored their two-goal lead on the hour mark when Matt Done teed up Corey O'Keeffe to beat James Belshaw in the Rovers goal at the second attempt.

However, Rovers hit back in the 66th minute, Antony Evans sliding an intelligent delivery across the face of goal for Collins to convert.

The visitors levelled the scores in the 89th minute, Harry Anderson setting up Collins for his second of the afternoon.

And the three points were secured in dramatic fashion in the fifth minute of added time when Elliott Anderson's header was turned home by Collins.

The visitors' Paul Coutts was sent off in the eighth minute of added time following a melee in his own penalty area, but Rovers held on to win.

Scunthorpe vs Hartlepool - Away win

Result - Scunthorpe 1 Hartlepool 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Pools could have been out of sight by half-time but struggled in front of goal and skipper Nicky Featherstone was denied by a late block by Ryan Delaney.

But the home side took the lead after 49 minutes. A loose ball by Pools' Tom Crawford was intercepted and Cameron Wilson broke away to net his first career goal.

Foster then saved again from Bogle, pushing a shot against the post.

However, Pools levelled after 72 minutes when Luke Molyneux was tripped in the area and Featherstone scored confidently from the spot.

Sutton Utd vs Bradford - Home win

Result - Sutton 1 Bradford 4

What!

Charles Vernam scored twice for Bradford before Yann Songo'o and Andy Cook wrapped it up late on.

Sutton went close after 90 seconds when Donovan Wilson set up Will Randall for a first-time shot against the post.

But Bradford responded well with Dion Pereira, Liam Ridehalgh and Vernam all testing home keeper Dean Bouzanis.

The visitors then took a 16th-minute lead as Vernam headed home from Luke Hendrie's cross.

Jamie Walker lobbed another shot onto the roof of the net as Bradford controlled the first half.

Sutton came back out a lot brighter and were level 10 minutes into the second half as Alistair Smith fired a superb strike into the top corner.

Bradford restored their lead in the 77th minute with Vernam sliding home his second goal from Ridehalgh's cross.

Defender Songo'o (85) added a third from close range from Elliot Watt's corner before sub Cook scored in stoppage time.

Swindon vs Barrow - Home win

Result - Swindon 2 Barrow 1

Yay!

It looked like the game was heading for a draw after Matt Platt's late goal cancelled out Josh Davison's first-half opener, but Reed struck with five minutes left to secure a vital home victory.

Davison scored the only goal of the first half in the 22nd minute when he capitalised on lacklustre defending to meet Akin Odimayo's cross.

Midfielder Reed dictated play and was at the heart of a move in the 39th minute that saw Harry McKirdy fire an edge-of-the-box effort over the bar.

Louie Barry and McKirdy both wasted second-half goalscoring opportunities, with the latter left red-faced after rounding the keeper in the 71st minute but making the wrong decision as his shot was blocked.

Platt restored parity in the 83rd minute with his header creeping past Lewis Ward.

But Reed rounded off a brilliant individual performance to save Swindon with a close-range goal just two minutes later.

Tranmere vs Oldham - Home win

Result - Tranmere 2 Oldham 0

Yay!

Josh Hawkes and Kane Hemmings scored as Tranmere heaped misery on Oldham with a comfortable 2-0 win.

Hawkes struck in the 27th minute and Hemmings sealed victory in the second half as the hosts strolled to victory against a lacklustre Latics side.

Hawkes had skewed horribly wide with an early chance when left unmarked at the back post.

But when a brisk passing move saw Tranmere work the ball to him at the edge of the box, he drilled his finish past Jayson Leutwiler's right hand and inside the foot of the post.

Oldham offered precious little in the first half, with a set-piece header from Will Sutton that cleared the bar their only contribution of note.

Tranmere's half-time lead should have been more than a single goal but Hemmings was denied by Leutwiler after a neat through ball from Elliott Nevitt.

Hemmings made no mistake when he was given a second chance just after the hour mark, however, deservedly doubling Rovers' lead when Lewis Warrington picked him out in space.

And Oldham were denied a late consolation by Tranmere keeper Joe Murphy, who got down well to turn Jack Stobbs' effort behind.

That was last week, but what about this week? What has The Grambler found?

Game - Result - Odds

Barrow vs Northampton - Away win - 4/6

Bradford vs Carlisle - Home win - 19/20

Harrogate vs Sutton Utd - Away win - 17/20

Mansfield vs Forest Green - Home win - 11/10

Newport vs Rochdale - Home win - 19/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£13.34

Now, that is just too whopping.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Chuncheon, South Korea in 1992. A forward, I began my senior career with Hamburger SV before moving to Bayer Leverkusen. Two years later I became the most expensive Asian player in history when I signed with Tottenham Hotspur for £22 million. I have now played over two hundred games for the club, scoring 87 times so far. I have been capped 98 times for my national team.

Answer - Son Heung-min

2. Which Premier League club has had the longest uninterrupted run in the top flight?

Answer - Arsenal (since 1919-20)

3. Which goalkeeper holds the record for scoring goals with 131?

Answer - Rogério Ceni

4. Talking of goalkeepers, who is the most expensive goalkeeper in history?

Answer - Kepa Arizzabalaga (£71.6 million)

5. A daft one to finish. Name the teams in the current senior leagues in England and Scotland that have the word ‘ton’ in their name. Clue to help: there are n...n...n...n... nineteen.

Answer - Wolverhampton Wanderers, Brighton and Hove Albion, Aston Villa, Southampton, Everton, Luton Town, Preston North End, Milton Keynes Dons, Bolton Wanderers, Accrington Stanley, Charlton Athletic, Burton Albion, Northampton Town, Sutton United, Leyton Orient, Livingston, St. Johnstone, Greenock Morton and Dumbarton.

What about five teasers for this week, I hear you say. What about them, indeed. Here they are.

1. Who am I?

2. Which player holds the record for the most Champions League winners’ medals?

3. Which current Premier League player has made the most P.L. appearances?

4. Which father and son have made almost 600 Premier League appearances between them?

5. What Premier League team is sponsored by Lotus?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. D. Tomlinson who provides us with our closing link. David Tomlinson first appeared in films in the early 1940s, but it wasn’t until 1964 that he played the role he is perhaps best remembered by. After 20-plus years in British comedy films, Tomlinson was hired by Walt Disney to play George Banks in Mary Poppins. The rest, as they say, is history. He would go on to star in other Disney flims such as Bedknobs and Broomsticks and The Love Bug. However, it is his first Disney film appearance that gives us our ending for this week’s edition. How windy is it today? Shall we? Let's Go (and) Fly A Kite. That was going well until Dick van Dyke turned up.

David Tomlinson aged a bit after working with Dick van Dyke

Happy grambling.

Pages

Saturday, 11 June 2022

Post 450 - A jubilee gramble... sort of

£8.74

Whopping? Don’t think so.

Sunday, 15 May 2022

Post 449 - Grambling stupid sizes!!

£12.64

Hmm... fairly average whopping.

Saturday, 7 May 2022

Post 448 - The Grambler casts a cloot

£13.34

The Bobby Moore Fund

Links