Post 408 - Grambling with the amazing magic wall

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story time...

 

Have you ever played the lads’ (or ladettes’) party game where you are watching something on television and every time a certain person/topic/event gets mentioned, you have to down a shot of (insert alcoholic beverage of choice here)? It is often done when a football match is on. If the commentator uses the word ‘cynical’ to describe a foul, for example. World Cups tend to cause booze shortages in supermarkets throughout the land as drinkers have to down industrial quantities of bevvy because the pundits won’t stop mentioning things like ‘1966’ or ‘Geoff Hurst’.

Why do I mention this? Well, the best viewing for the drinking game now seems to be news bulletins. Politicians are forever using the word ‘robust’, or ‘choices’. Last year we had no end of terms that could have caused serious liver damage. ‘Unprecedented’ whenever the pandemic was being discussed. See also ‘PPE shortages’, ‘NHS heroes’, ‘Captain Tom’ and ‘Astra Zenica’

This week, with all the mud sticking to a certain Mr Bozza, there is a new word that all the politicians are spouting at us constantly; ‘transparent’ or ‘transparency’. Come on you educated politicians (apparently, there are some) think up something original to say. What is wrong with frankness, openness, candour, truthfulness? [You swallowed a thesaurus? - Ed.]

Speaking of the news, I've had a dig or two at the British Broadcorping Casteration's news coverage during this pandemic. Well, I'm going to do it again.

This time it is nothing to do with all the moaning about anything and everything that we are having to deal with through the crisis.

Instead, I want to consider the miserable news reporters and the fact that we, Joe public, get treated as if we are utterly thick.

First off: gloomy reporters. We have all had to deal with Orla Guerilla (Do you see what I did there?) for a few years now. She's the one that reports from war zones, so it's understandable that she won't exactly be a barrel of laughs. However, there is a new kid on the block. Her name is (not quite) Sarah Porker. And she really is a misery guts. She is just so depressing. She makes old Orla seem like Ken Dodd. Everything this corker says is done at a slow, mournful drawl. She's probably turned to TV journalism because she was considered too depressing to be a funeral director.

I also said that we, the viewers, are being treated like we were idiots. How so, I hear you ask. Have you seen Fergal Belch and his amazing computer wall? [What the devil are you talking about? - Ed.] Let me explain. Computer graphics are remarkable these days, I think you'll agree. And those folk in the news room who are tasked with providing the panels that give relevant information when a reporter is giving his or her spiel are having a whale of a time.

The presenter may be walking by a shop and the wall of the building is being viewed from an angle; and the artistic graphics folk give us an information panel that is at that same angle; it will even have the same perspective so that as the wall tapers away into the distance, so too does the graphic display. All very clever... and a bit showy offy, if truth be told. Yes, aren't you having fun.

So what of Fergie and his magic wall? Most reports that health correspondent Findus Wash gives have him standing in front of the same breeze block wall and up come his information panels. Now here's the treating us like morons bit. We know it's only a display that can be seen on our TV screens. We are perfectly aware that there is nothing projected onto that wall. It is just a convenient white space. We are also aware that Mr Welsh can't see anything on that wall. So why the f*** does he look towards the wall as if he is reading what he is saying? Pillock!

They all do it, not just Furby Whelk. Sometimes, they even use his bit of wall. I mean, the cheek of it. That's Fungus’s wall, not yours Mr Huge Pin.

Sadly, I can no longer watch a news report without getting annoyed at the clever-dick computer graphics.

There might be a lamppost which a reporter is standing beside. Sure enough, up will come the graphics. And sure enough, they will look as if they are wrapped around the lamppost showing that it has a tubular construction. Yes, very bloody clever. And sure enough, the reporter will look at, or even point at, the lamppost to make us think that there is actually something there. Arrgh! Stop it!

And another thing... Don't stop me now, I'm on a roll... when the news bulletin begins, there is Clyde Wiry, or whatever he is called, sitting at his desk. Next, he has to go and stand in front of a big TV screen. Then, he has to sit down again. Why? Why does the news reader have to leave his or her desk. It doesn't do anything to assist us viewers. All it does is let us know that they've got legs.

‘Look I've got legs. Aren't they nice? Right, I'll sit down again, now that you've seen my lovely pins.’

Please do us all a favour and stop trying to be clever. Just read the news. It’s what you are paid to do. That’s it.

Phew. I feel better for that.

Where's his computer wall?  This is just a measly floor.

 

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Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 1st of May? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Emsley Carr 1867 - Newspaper editor. Was in charge at the News of the World for over 50 years. Better remembered nowadays as the name behind the Emsley Carr Mile, an annual invitational race run over... can you guess how far?

Jane Cain 1909 - Who? She was a telephonist. And? Hers was the original voice of the speaking clock. You had to dial 846, to get the correct time. Why those numbers in that order? Those numbers spelled out T-I-M.

James Copeland 1918 - Jobbing actor. 96 credits on IMDb. Here’s a thing... I’m not sure if there was a shortage of Scottish character actors in the 1960s, but between 1962 and 1970 he appeared in nine episodes of Dr. Finlay’s Casebook, playing eight different characters.

Marne Maitland 1920 - Jobbing actor. Perhaps his name isn’t that well-known, but if you were a TV exec in the 1950s, 60s, 70s and beyond, looking for a swarthy skinned type to play a villain, Marne was the go-to guy. He has 164 credits on IMDb of a screen career lasting from 1947 to 1990.

Billy Steele 1923 - Fitba guy.

Dennis Main Wilson 1924 - TV producer. I don’t mean he... [Don’t. Just, don’t. - Ed.] Spoilsport. From the 1950s up to the 80s, he seemed to work with most of the stars of British light entertainment. Here is just a sample: Charley Chester, Eric Sykes, Lance Percival, Bernard Cribbins, Roy Castle, Terry Scott, Eleanor Bron, Dick Emery, John Bird, John Fortune, Marty Feldman, Barry Humphries [He’s Australian. - Ed.] and Spike Milligan.

Una McLean 1930 - Actress, often in comedies. Still Game; she made a guest appearance in that.

Julian Mitchell 1935 - Orfer. Writes a lot of telly stuff. Inspector Morse; he wrote a few of those.

Ray Smith 1936 - Actor. George Barraclough in Sam. That was him.

Una Stubbs 1937 - Actress. Rita Rawlins in Till Death Us Do Part. Her. Not Cherie Blair’s mum.

Cyd Hayman 1944 - Actress. Nina in Manhunt. Her.

Joanna Lumley 1946 - National treasure darling. Ken Barlow’s girlfriend in Coronation Street.

Archie Knox 1947 - Fitba guy.

Tim Hodgkinson 1949 - Musician. A clip? Here’s a track from his first band, Henry Cow, Amygdala.

Danny McGrain 1950 - Fitba guy.

Anthony Worrall-Thompson 1951 - TV chef.

Rob Spendlove 1953 - Actor. Lt. Michael Stubbs in Soldier Soldier. Him.

Charles Green 1953 - He is described on Wikipedia as a ‘venture capitalist’. Hmm. I only include him here because he is a former Chief Executive of Rangers F.C.

Donna Hartley 1955 - Afflete. She married Robert Wass, better known as comedian, Bobby Knutt. She called herself Donna Hartley-Wass, but I think Donna Knutt would have sounded better.

Nick Feldman 1955 - Musician. He was in Wang Chung. A clip? Why not. Here’s Everybody Have Fun Tonight.

Paul Gardiner 1958 - Musician. Bassist with Tubeway Army. Here is Down in the Park.

Owen Paul 1962 - Musician. A clip? Here’s his hit, My Favourite Waste of Time... but not the original. Oh no. And definitely not the embarrassing Pebble Mill broadcast; that would just be cruel. No, this is a lockdown version featuring a few famous faces.

Lady Sarah Chatto 1964 - Betty’s niece, Chas, Annie, Andy and Ed’s cousin.

Anthony Child aka Surgeon 1971 - DJ. Let’s have some Trance; here’s Pet 2000.

Christopher Howell aka Luna-C 1973 - Another DJ. He once had a hit as part of the Smart-Es and here it is, Sesame's Treet. Ye gods and little fishes!

Tamzin Malleson 1974 - Actress. Penny Neville in Teachers. Her.

Nina Hossain 1975 - Newsreader.

Sacha Dhawan 1984 - Actor. Most recently seen as Orlo in The Great.

Stevie Appleton 1989 - Singer, songwriter and producer. Here he is wondering what he’s supposed to do.

Bevis Mugabe 1995 - Footy bloke. Plays for Motherwell. Just thought you might like to know that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Joanna Grambley,

Good to hear Wang Chung again. They were more popular in Canada than the UK. In fact, did they ever have a record get into the Top 40. I think there may have been one, but can’t remember what it was called.

Yours absentmindedly,

Dan Saul-Daze.

 

 

 

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Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions go last week? I can’t quite believe this... we won. Five out of five! Woo hoo! What happened? Read on...

 

Barnsley vs Rotherham - Home win

Result - Barnsley 1 Rotherham 0

Yay!

The hosts went ahead in controversial fashion when Carlton ‘Desmond’ Morris headed in but caught Millers goalkeeper Viktor ‘Scarlett’ Johansson with his elbow in challenging for the ball, forcing the Swede off injured.

Rotherham responded well, with Tykes keeper Brad ‘Phil’ Collins denying Freddie Ladapo when clean through and Callum ‘Great’ Brittain blocking Michael Smith's goalbound effort.

Chiedozie Ogbene drew another save from Collins, while replacement Millers keeper Jamal ‘Honor’ Blackman then denied Daryl ‘Dickvan’ Dike

 

Blackburn vs Huddersfield - Home win

Result - Blackburn 5 Huddersfield 2

Again I say, Yay!

Adam ‘Stretch’ Armstrong scored his second hat-trick of the season as Blackburn swept aside Huddersfield.

First-half goals from Armstrong and Ben Brereton put Rovers in the ascendancy, although a Ryan Nyambe own goal gave Huddersfield hope before the break.

But Blackburn struck three times in seven minutes early in the second half, with Armstrong completing his treble either side of Sam Gallagher's finish.

Huddersfield got a consolation through Josh ‘Toyota’ Koroma's fine left-footed strike.

 

Cardiff vs Wycombe - Home win

Result - Cardiff 2 Wycombe 1

And again, Yay!

Wycombe fell behind to Kieffer Moore's superbly-taken goal before captain Joe Jacobson levelled with a penalty before half-time.

Moore struck his second after the break to earn Cardiff victory.

 

QPR vs Norwich - Away win

Result - QPR 1 Norwich 3

One more time... Yay!

The Canaries' attacking threat was in evidence from the kick-off, with the influential Emi Buendia pouncing on a Jordy de Wijs back-header and lobbing Seni Dieng, only for the ball to sail just wide.

Kieran Dowell also tested Dieng twice, but the goalkeeper was found wanting in the 32nd minute as Buendia set up Xavi Quintilla, whose 25-yard drive squirmed through his gloves and bobbled over the line for a goal.

QPR threatened an immediate equaliser when Ilias ‘Hi’ Chair played Lyndon ‘Drystone’ Dykes through, but Tim Krul blocked the shot to preserve the visitors' lead.

The Dutch keeper produced another crucial stop with his legs 10 minutes after the restart, denying Dykes from the spot after Grant ‘Jenny’ Hanley had felled Chris Willock.

Max Aarons quickly doubled his side's advantage, meeting Kenny ‘Una’ McLean's far-post cross with a volley that whistled beyond Dieng.

However, Rangers substitutes Albert Adomah and Charlie ‘Chummy’ Austin combined for Dykes to halve the deficit from close range - and Austin then spurned a chance to equalise, nodding Adomah's pinpoint cross wide.

Buendia wrapped up the points eight minutes from time, with McLean again providing the assist for the midfielder to steer into the net.

 

Watford vs Millwall - Home win

Result - Watford 1 Millwall 0

And for the last time this week, YAAAAYYYY!

Ismaila Sarr's composed 11th-minute penalty, after the Senegal winger was brought down in the box by Billy ‘Phil’ Mitchell, proved enough for the Hornets.

Mitchell drew a save from home keeper Daniel Bachmann before the break with a shot from outside the box before Mason ‘Gordon’ Bennett saw his follow-up effort clip the top of the bar.

Bachmann clawed away a close-range effort from a corner as Millwall pressed for an equaliser in the second half, but Watford held on to secure the win.

So, well done The Grambler. Can you do the same again this week? [I doubt that very much. - Ed.] What has he/she/it come up with?

Game - Result - Odds

Millwall vs Bristol City - Home win - 19/20

Norwich vs Reading - Home win - 4/7

Plymouth vs Sunderland - Away win - 4/7

Shrewsbury vs Oxford - Away win - 5/6

Bradford vs Scunthorpe - Home win -

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...

 

£9.14

£9.14, eh? Can The Grambler do it two weeks in a row? [In a word, no. - Ed.]

 

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Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last week’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1938 in Motherwell. I began my senior career at Motherwell, scoring 105 goals in just 144 appearances. I famously scored a hat-trick against Hibs in 2 minutes 30 seconds, one of the fastest ever recorded. In 1961 I moved to Liverpool and played 425 games for them over the next ten years. After my playing career ended, I managed Motherwell and Portsmouth, and was assistant manager at both Sheffield Wednesday and Coventry City. I later moved on to TV work and became half of a famous double-act.

Answer - Ian St John

And talking of hat-tricks...

2. Which player scored four Premier League hat-tricks for Southampton?

Answer - Matt Le Tissier

3. Let’s stick with hat-tricks. Who scored the first Premier League hat-trick?

Answer - Eric Cantona

4. Which player has scored the most Premier League hat-tricks?

Answer - Sergio Agüero (12)

5. Which player has scored the most Scottish Premiership hat-tricks?

Answer - Leigh Griffiths (5)

Okeydoke, how about some for this week?

1. Who am I?

I wasv born in 1973 in Suriname. I began my senior career at Ajax where I played 106 games and scored 20 goals. I was a defensive midfielder and nicknamed ‘The Pitbull’ because of my hard-tackling, aggressive style of play. I was capped 74 times for Netherlands. I was easily recognised on the pitch because I wore protective goggles due to glaucoma.

2. What Premier League feat has been achieved by Andy Cole, Alan Shearer, Jermain Defoe, Dmitar Berbatov and Sergio Aguero?

3. What nationality is Manchester city player Zack Steffen?

4. What is the only French club to have won the Champions League title?

5. Which two English players have each scored two Champions League Hat-Tricks?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

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Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril...

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr B. Cribbins for our final link of the week. He received a brief mention in the birthday honours, but this particular item is included solely because of the current rumpus of Bozza’s decorating bill and who did, or didn’t, pay for the work. I wonder if this lot were involved in the refurbishment... No wonder it cost so much.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

 

Post 407 - Grambling in the house of the future

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story time...

WARNING: The text which follows may make difficult reading for some of you. Not because it might be upsetting to anyone of a sensitive nature; it is just difficult to read as it is written in the style of a Pathe newsreel presenter.

 

Did you know that this year marks the 170th anniversary of the Great Exhibition? Did you care? Probably not. Exactly 100 years after that was the Festival of Britain. It was designed to show off the best that British engineering had to offer in 1951. It also provided a bit of a boost to a populace still reeling from the privations of World War II. It had various exhibits relating to how things might be in the future. I wonder if there was a house of tomorrow...

Welcome to the highlight of the yah, the Festival of Britain. Hahr we see King George opening this great event which shows Britain end its empah et its most inventive end proves to the wahld thet British is still best. Well done your mejesty.

Hah, we see a yangster marvelling et the exhibit known es the Skylon. Deddy informs the inquisitive yang chep thet it is held ap by wahs, but the child dasen't seem convinced; he thinks it mast be saspended by megic.

End what of the future? Hah we hev a glimpse of the hyse of tomorrow. What will the everage hyse be like in seventy yahs time?

Fahst, we take a look yteside the hyse et the garden. End it won't take the men of the hyse long to cat the grahss. The lawn of a modern hyse will be so small thet it will be cat in no time, especially if the owner cen afford the latest thing in grahss catting: a nuclear pard lawnmower. Why, there is even talk of robot lawnmowers, bat thet is jast pie in the sky.

What about the rest of the garden? Seventy yahs from now, heavy digging will be a thing of the pahst es most of the lend will be slebbed. End what do you put on these slebs? Well, you won't jast hev wan dastbin, you will hev ap to five. Why? Because, in the future, we won't hev any waste ather then recyclable meterials. All your rabbish will be reused to make ather prodacts. Ebsolutely everything will be recycled. Jast think, no more litter in the streets. Wance again, Britain leads the way.

What abyte ather garden space? Well, there won't be mach of thet; not when you hev the latest children's play thing, a trempoline.

Rynd et the front of the hyse there will be jast enough space to park your nuclear pard motorcar. Yes, it is predicted thet et least wan in every three hyseholds will hev their own means of trensport by 2021.

Let as nye enter the hyse of tomorrow. Ar fahrst impression is thet of claustrophobia es the everage three-bedroomed hyse will be considerably smaller then those we hev today. This means thet heating costs cen be kept to a minimum. Let as take a look et the lynge area. There will be jast the wan pablic rum. Instead of heving a separate dining rum, we will all hev to eat ar meals in the lynge by placing large trays apon ar leps, es there won’t be any rum for a dining table. Notice thet the rum is dominated by a cinema screen. This is the television of the future. Cinemas will hev disappeared long ago es everyone will hev their own televisual applahnce.

Es we move into the kitchen we notice thet it is also tiny, bat many applahnces are hidden from view behind doors. Open this door end we see a mengle, still a mast-hev 70 yahrs from nye. We notice too thet most of the kitchen sarfaces hev some sort of electrical gedget taking ap space. This is because there won't be enaff capboard space to hyse them all. End just what are these gedgets? Why, Labour-saving devices of course. No hyse of the future will be complete without its nuclear-pard potato peeler end egg sheller. End what about this beauty, ladies? Yes, no more heving bones in your meals of fish with this syooper autometic fish filleter. Nuclear pard, of course. End why fish? Well, 70 yahs from nye it is predicted thet fish will be the cheapest end most easily sourced form of food.

Let as nah take a look apstairs. The bahthrum fahrst. The fahrst thought is thet, like the other rums we hev seen, the bahthrum is tiny. Why, it dasn't even hev a bahth. Thet is because we will no longer hev to waste time end energy filling a bahth. Instead, wan will use a small cubicle where wan will be bombarded with water jets; a quicker end more efficient way to cleanse arselves.

Looking arynd this rum we notice thet samthing else is missing. Where is the cistern to flash the toilet? Well, it is still there, bat hidden away behind a false wall. Look, there's the hendle to operate the flash mechanism. But what if samthing goes wrong? Why, if a plamber were ever needed he would hev to take the whole toilet ite to achieve eccess. Thenkfully, thet will never be necessary es the bahthrum of the future will be syooper efficient.

Let us nah take a look et the bedrums. Why, there is only enaff space for a bed in this rum. That's because as we see hah, there is a fitted wardrobe. Es we open the sliding door we see... what's this? Why, it's the nuclear generator to pahr all those gedgets es well es control the heating.

End here is the smallest of the three bedrums. Why it isn't even big enough to fit a bed thenks to the longest wall heving a boxed in corner to clah the stairs. Don't warry, ded's do it yourself skills will cam in hendy when he hes to take a hecksaw to a pahfectly good bed to make it fit.

So thah you hev it; the home of the future.

Next time on Pethé News we'll be looking et the future of feshion... don't throw away those ripped trousers whatever you do.

 

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Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 24th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Edmund Cartwright 1743 - Inventor of a power loom, a wool combing machine and a machine for making rope. [I don’t remember him in Bonanza. - Ed.]

Abraham Darby III 1750 - Ironmaster. He built the first cast iron bridge in the world near over the River Severn at Coalbrookdale. The village of Ironbridge thus came into being. The area is now known as Ironbridge Gorge.

R.M. Ballantyne 1825 - Orfer of stories for juveniles. The Coral Island is perhaps his best-known novel.

Hugh ‘Stuffy’ Dowding or, to give him his Sunday name, Air Chief Marshall Hugh Caswall Tremenheere Dowding, 1st Baron Dowding GCB, GCVO, CMG 1882 - Pilot. In charge of RAF Fighter Command during the Battle of Britain.

Percy Walsh 1888 - Jobbing actor. One of those faces that cropped up again and again in films between 1930 and 1950.

Stafford Cripps 1889 - Politician. Held various government posts from 1930 to 1950. Chancellor of the Exchequer in Attlee post-war government.

Jack Hulbert 1892 - Ector. Made a few popular films in the 1930s, often with his wife Cicely Courtneige.

William Joyce 1906 - Nazi propaganda broadcaster. Known as Lord Haw-Haw, he broadcast to the people of Great Britain with the opening lines always being ‘Germany calling, Germany calling, Germany calling.’ He was convicted of high treason after capture and was sentenced to death; the last person to be executed for treason in the UK.

Michael Pertwee 1916 - Playwright and screenwriter from a famous family: Son of Roland, brother of Jon, cousin of Bill and uncle of Sean.

Lucy Griffiths 1919 - Jobbing actress. Another face that seemed to be everywhere in postwar films and television dramas (and comedies). Usually playing minor roles, she has 112 credits on IMDb.

Clement Freud 1924 - Broadcaster, writer, politician and chef. Grandson of Sigmund, brother of Lucien and father of Emma.

Clive King 1924 - Orfer. Stig of the Dump, that was one of his.

Tommy Docherty 1928 - Fitba guy.

Claire Davenport 1933 - Jobbing actress. She seemed to corner the market in overbearing, bullying wives. I sat opposite her on the London Underground once; she looked pretty formidable even in civvies. I doubt if anyone would have dared ask for her autograph. Scary woman.

Jill Ireland 1936 - Actress more famous for her marriages than for her acting. She was married to David McCallum and (actor, it says here) Charles Bronson.

Davie Sneddon 1936 - Fitba guy.

Mark Shivas 1938 - Television producer. By that, I mean he produced television programmes, not televisions... either by manufacturing them, or by producing them as a magician would... out of a hat. Well, he couldn’t, could he? A telly is too big to come out of a hat. It would need to be a very big hat. Or a very small television. Mind you, there was a spate of miniature tellies back in the... ooh... must have been the nineties. Tiny little things that could fit in your pocket. Of course they relied on receiving a good analogue signal; it was in the days of aerials rather than satellite. Of course, we can now watch TV programmes on our phones and they are small enough to produce from a hat. [Have you finished? - Ed.] I think so. [Good. - Ed.]

Valerie Masters 1940 - Singer. Made a lot of guest appearances on nineteen sixties shows like The Ken Dodd Show and Two of a Kind. Never really had any hits, though. Here’s a very un-Brummy sounding tune Birmingham Rag.

Chris Kelly 1940 - Television presenter. By that, I mean... [Don’t start that again. - Ed.] Sorry. He fronted programmes like Wish You Were Here and Clapperboard (A cinema programme for kids.)

John Williams 1941 - Not your average guitarist. Tends to play classical pieces as this early footage shows a young John Williams in 1962.

Mick Jones 1945 - Footy bloke.

John Still 1950 - Footy bloke.

Nigel Harrison 1951 - Blondie bassist. Co-wrote this track, Union City Blue.

Steve Thompson 1952 - Songwriter. Here’s one of his by Tygers of Pan Tang.

Jonathan Coy 1953 - Jobbing actor. You perhaps know him as George Murray in Downton Abbey. Has rarely been off the TV screens since 1975. 125 credits on IMDb.

Tim Woodward 1953 - Jobbing actor. His most recent TV work was in Casualty. A bit like J. Coy, rarely off our screen since 1975. Only 112 credits on IMDb, though.

Raymond Burns 1954 - Who? Oh, Captain Sensible. Has had his solo number one ‘Happy Talk’, but you aren’t getting that. He has been a member of The Damned for nigh on 45 years. Here’s a recent live version of Smash It Up.

David J 1957 - Musician. One time bassist with Bauhaus. Here’s a tune from the band he and two other members of Bauhaus formed, Love and Rockets, called  Yin and Yang (The Flowerpot Man).  Crazy video.

Paula Yates 1959 - TV presenter.

Bruno Brookes 1959 - DJ.

Stuart Pearce 1962 - Footy bloke.

Jason Salkey 1962 - Jobbing actor. Harris in Sharpe. Him.

Rory McCann 1969 - Actor. Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane in Game of Thrones. Him.

Jasbinder Singh ‘Jas’ Mann 1971 - Musician. Had his big moment as lead singer with Babylon Zoo. Here’s their Number 1, Spaceman.

Adrian Simpson 1971 - TV presenter. A Place in the Sun, he does that. See below.

Rab Douglas 1972 - Fitba guy.

Lee Westwood 1973 - Golfy bloke.

Gabby Logan 1973 - TV sports presenter.

Julie Cox 1973 - Jobbing actress. Princess Irulan Corrino in Dune and Children of Dune. Her.

Jon holmes 1976 - Writer, comedian and broadcaster. The Now Show. He’s on that.

Laura Hamilton 1982 - TV presenter. A Place in the Sun, she does that. See above.

Nick Howard 1982 - Musician. Have a clip.  This is Unbreakable.

Sia Berkeley 1985 - Jobbing actress. Frances in Wuthering Heights. That was her.

Jason Maza 1987 - Actor, director, producer, writer; you name it, he’s done it. Plays Chris Munroe in Bulletproof.

Laura Kenny 1992 - She rides a bike. Fast.

Eilish McSorley 1993 - Fitba wummin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Grambly Logan,

I have been a fan of Blondie for many years and have all the albums. Can you tell me what their last top ten album (2017) was?

Yours inquisitively,

Polly Nator.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions go last week? In a word: badly. Not a bean back. Rubbish or what? What happened? Read on...

 

Luton vs Watford - Away win

Result - Luton 1 Watford 0

Boo!

James ‘Joan’ Collins came off the bench to score a penalty with his first touch as Luton Town earned a deserved derby victory over Watford.

Substitute Collins instantly stroked the ball past keeper Daniel ‘Overdrive’ Bachmann, who had brought down Elijah Adebayo.

Watford were outplayed before the break, but an improved second-half display looked like earning them a point.

But with 12 minutes left Collins calmly struck the winner and, despite a frantic finish in which the Hornets had Kiko Femenia sent off and Andre ’50 Shades’ Gray’s equalising goal disallowed, the hosts held on.

 

Middlesbrough vs QPR - Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 1 Queens Park Rangers 2

Again I say BOO!

Defender Lee ‘Braveheart’ Wallace scored as 10-man QPR clung on to beat Middlesbrough.

Wallace headed Rangers into a 2-0 lead inside 20 minutes just after Rob ‘Billericay’ Dickie had rattled in a 30-yarder to open the scoring.

But Yannick Bolasie halved the deficit and Boro stepped up the pressure after Rangers had goalkeeper Seny Dieng sent off for bringing down Duncan Watmore.

Replacement keeper Joe ‘Anna’ Lumley denied George ‘Now then’ Saville with a superb close-range stop as the visitors held on for the victory.

 

Charlton vs Ipswich - Home win

Result - Charlton 0 Ipswich 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Charlton and Ipswich played out a goalless draw at The Valley in a disappointing contest.

The Tractor Boys’ James Norwood saw his third-minute effort stopped by keeper ‘Uncle’ Ben Amos, while Jason ‘Mildred’ Pearce blocked Keanan ‘Gordon’ Bennetts’ follow-up.

Charlton started to press and Ryan ‘Neil’ Innis directed a header straight at Tomas Holy after nine minutes.

Ipswich were forced to replace Norwood with Kayden ‘Janet’ Jackson on 25 minutes and the substitute almost turned provider for Bennetts on 37 minutes, but the midfielder blasted over.

The hosts were the better side in the second half and had the best chance after the break when Holy parried away a close-range header from Diallang Jaiyesimi (A contender for Cracking Name of the Week) on 57 minutes.

The Ipswich goalkeeper was in action again three minutes later, when he collected an effort from Liam ‘Windy’ Millar.

In a game of few chances, Jake Forster-Caskey put a sweeping effort over the crossbar on 73 minutes, before Jayden Stockley put his shot three minutes later into the arms of Holy.

Grimsby vs Bolton - Away win

Result - Grimsby 2 Bolton 1

Once again, BOO!

A frantic start to the game saw Jay Matete put Grimsby in front with a driven finish after 32 seconds, while teammate James Hanson promptly fired over.

Bolton replied with a succession of attacks, but George Thomason saw a golden chance go begging when James McKeown produced a stunning save.

Oladapo Afolayan (Another contender for Cracking Name of the Week.) curled an attempt over the crossbar, before Grimsby's goal scorer Matete was denied a second by Matt Gilks.

A classic goalmouth scramble within a minute of the restart saw Hanson, Lenell John-Lewis and Evan Khouri all denied, while Harry ‘Bernie’ Clifton volleyed over moments later.

Hanson crashed a shot against the crossbar as Grimsby eyed a second goal, but McKeown had to be alert at the other end to make two smart saves in quick-succession.

Ira Jackson Jr came off the bench to make it 2-0 five minutes from time, before Bolton substitute Shaun Miller struck an added-time consolation goal.

 

Morecambe vs Oldham - Home win

Result - Morecambe 4 Oldham 3

Yay! But too little, too late.

Morecambe (managed by ex-Motherwell player Derek Adams) took the lead in the fifth minute with a goal from Carlos Mendes-Gomes. [Mends gnomes? I’ve got one that needs repairing. The frost’s got to his little toadstool. - Ed.]

A Kelvin ‘Kay’ Mellor ball into the area looked to be heading out of play, but the Morecambe midfielder chased it down and drilled a low shot past Laurie ‘Johnnie’ Walker from a tight angle.

Yann Songo'o and Cole ‘Tees’ Stockton missed glorious chances to add to the lead before Oldham hit back with some fine attacking play of their own.

Davis Keillor-Dunn saw an effort cleared off the line before the visitors pulled one back when Conor McAleny got the wrong side of Sam Lavelle and lobbed the ball over Kyle Letheren.

The goal sparked an immediate reply from the Shrimps with Aaron Wildig restoring the lead when he poked in Mendes-Gomes’ cross from six yards out.

And the Shrimps added a third in first-half injury time when Stockton turned his marker on the edge of the box and drilled a low shot past Walker.

Morecambe extended their lead further after 54 minutes with a second from Mendes-Gomes after he ran on to a superb through ball from Toumani Diagouraga (Ooh, there’s another contender.) to slot the ball under the advancing Walker.

 

Well, that was pretty useless. Can The Grambler make amends this week? [I wouldn’t bet on it. - Ed.] Well, we’re going to have a bet on it. What has he/she/it randomly chosen?

Game - Result - Odds

Barnsley vs Rotherham - Home win - 4/6

Blackburn vs Huddersfield - Home win - 17/20

Cardiff vs Wycombe - Home win - 13/20

QPR vs Norwich - Away win - 4/5

Watford vs Millwall - Home win - 8/15

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...

 

£8.82

£8.82? What kind of a piffling amount is that?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last week’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Rotterdam in 1983. I began my senior career at Feyenoord and returned to end my playing career there. I played for Arsenal, Manchester United and Fenerbache in between. In 435 career club appearances I scored over 200 goals. I was capped for Netherlands 102 times and scored 50 international goals.

Answer - Robin Van Persie

2. Which Scot set a competition record by scoring 14 UEFA Cup goals in a single campaign.

Answer - John Wark (14 goals for Ipswich in the 1980-81 UEFA Cup.)

3. How old was Stanley Matthews when he won Ballon d’Or, a prize given to the best European player each year?

Answer - 40

4. Which English club reached the final of both the UEFA Cup and the Europa League, but lost on both occasions?

Answer - Arsenal (2000 and 2019)

5. Which club has won the most National League Titles?

Answer - Rangers with 55 titles

Some for this week? Aye, go on then.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1938 in Motherwell. I began my senior career at Motherwell, scoring 105 goals in just 144 appearances. I famously scored a hat-trick against Hibs in 2 minutes 30 seconds, one of the fastest ever recorded. In 1961 I moved to Liverpool and played 425 games for them over the next ten years. After my playing career ended, I managed Motherwell and Portsmouth, and was assistant manager at both Sheffield Wednesday and Coventry City. I later moved on to TV work and became half of a famous double-act.

And talking of hat-tricks...

2. Which player scored four Premier League hat-tricks for Southampton?

3. Let’s stick with hat-tricks. Who scored the first Premier League hat-trick?

4. Which player has scored the most Premier League hat-tricks?

5. Which player has scored the most Scottish Premiership hat-tricks?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril...

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, it is with some sadness that I must report the death of Les McKeown, remembered as the vocalist with the Bay City Rollers. Who can forget Shang-A-Lang, Bye, Bye, Baby and Give a Little Love? I know I can’t. I’ve tried going for counselling, but I still have nightmares. And they were famous for a new take on tartan fashion. The Scottish clothing industry still can’t live that one down. Anyway, Les has died aged 65 and I think we should all remember his passing with a suitable tribute...

... and wear our trousers at half mast

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

 

Post 406 - Is that The Grambler complaints department?

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story time...

Hah! Take that, Springer!

It's official: Prince Philip is more offensive than Jerry Springer: The Opera. Surely not, I hear you splutter through your tea/coffee/any other drink you may be consuming while reading this. Well, yes and no. It is all to do with complaints received by the British Broadcorping Casteration. Prior to the Duke’s demise, last Friday, the record number of complaints received by the Beeb had been 63,000 when that show was aired; mainly from church people who objected to the depiction of Christ. Most of those complaints most likely began, ‘I did not see this dreadful programme, but I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms... etc.’ Probably the same lot who complained about Monty Python’s Life of Brian.

Friday’s programming, following the announcement about Phil falling off his perch, received over 110,000 complaints. Yay! Divisive to the end.

Obviously, the complaints weren't levelled at Phil; they were aimed at the Beeb for it cancelling all programming on all channels to air tribute programmes for him. The gripe was that only one channel needed to be altered to show any tributes. Absolutely right. Nobody can watch more than one channel at a time so why the blanket coverage?

Not all the complaints were about the programming, however. 400 or so complaints related to Prince Andrew being interviewed. It was obviously felt by a few individuals that Andy was still persona non grata after his involvement with the well-known nonce Jeffrey Epstein came to light.

A couple of hundred people moaned about the lack of respect shown by the presenters of the tribute and news programmes. Sorry pardon excuse me? Yes, they weren't wearing sombre enough clothing, apparently. Come on, every person I saw was wearing dark clothing, surely that was enough. Not for these saddos it wasn't. What were they looking for? Black ties for the men? Black veils for the women?

The expression ‘get a life’ comes to mind.

One reason for the incredibly high number of complaints may have been that the Beeb set up a dedicated complaints line, which brings me to the final largish group to complain. 116 people complained to the Beeb for making it too easy to complain.

Talking of his passing, I do hope you enjoyed reading Prince Philip’s gaffes last week. What an amusing guy, you might be thinking. Or you might be thinking, what an arrogant bully of a man.

I think the latter comment is nearer the truth. Prince Philip led an extremely privileged life. Such an existence also gave him that sense of entitlement only enjoyed by royalty (and ex-public school boys who go on to be prime minister). Thus, he could say and do what he liked and nobody would question him. He wasn’t a tall man, but he could talk down to anybody.

As already stated, the TV was awash with tributes to him on the day he died. (Obviously, these had been prepared well in advance; the death of an eminent 99 year old isn’t exactly unexpected.)

People that knew him eulogised about what a ‘character’ he was. When I hear that said of someone, I always think it means they are a bit too unpredictable; or, to put it bluntly, trouble.

Another word that was used was irascible. That is just a polite way of saying he was a bad-tempered old git.

Frankly, he seemed to be the sort of guy who said what he liked and didn't care who he upset in the process. [I didn’t know he was a Yorkshireman. - Ed.]

One term that someone used in describing him was that ‘he didn't suffer fools gladly’. It’s an expression I’ve heard attributed to many individuals... none of them nice people, I should add.

I remember back in the days when I worked for a living, rather than wrote ill-informed blogs, there was a work colleague who was proud to use the expression about himself as if it was some sort of badge of honour. I also remember another work-mate who returned the perfect comment when the said arrogant git spoke this line to another person. And that riposte was: ‘If that's what you think, then you're the fool.’

Not surprisingly, the first colleague never uttered the words again.

What a pity no-one was brave enough to tell Prince Philip.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 17th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Harry Champion 1865 - Music hall comedian/singer. Here’s a recording from 110 years back. Seriously.  Here's Any Old Iron

William Holden 1918 - Actor. Starred in Golden Boy in 1939 which may have helped coin his nickname of Golden Holden. Oh, how we laughed. Came to an ignominious end. He was a heavy drinker and he died when he tripped while drunk and hit his head off a table.

Lindsay Anderson 1923 - Film Director

Gordon Rollings 1926 - Jobbing actor. Charlie Moffitt in Coronation Street. That was him.

James Last 1929 - Bandleader. Famous for easy-listening recordings often labeled ‘Non-Stop Dancing’ where dozens of popular tunes were strung together to form a complete album. He must have been doing something right; between 1963 and 2006 over 190 studio albums were released. Here’s a 1966 toon Midnight in December.

Eve Pearce 1929 - Jobbing actress. Lady Fisher in High Road. Her.

Chris Barber 1930 - Musician. Have a clip. Here's his take on an old hymn, Just a Closer Walk with Thee.

Tony Bilbow 1932 - TV presenter and scriptwriter.

Don Kirshner 1934 - Music publisher. Known as ‘The man with the golden ear’ thanks to his ability to spot up and coming talent.

Colin Campbell 1937 - Actor. Sergeant Willoughby in The Ruth Rendall Mysteries (1988-1992). Him.

Ferdinand Karl Piëch 1937 - Engineer and businessman. Head of VW until 2015.

John Stalker 1939 - Policeman. Used to advertise roller shutter doors.

John McCririck 1940 - Eccentric TV horse racing pundit.

Ronald Wycherley aka Billy Fury 1940 - Singer. Here’s his highest charting single which stalled at number 2, Jealousy.

Brian Miller 1941 - Jobbing actor.

David Bradley 1941 - Actor. Argus Filch in the Harry Potter films. Him.

Tony Crane 1945 - Musician. A Merseybeat or a Mersey. Take your pick. Have a clip. Here's The Merseys with Sorrow.

Henry Kelly 1946 - TV and radio presenter.

Clare Francis 1946 - Writer and sailor.

David Kaffinetti 1946 - Musician. Keyboard wizard with prog rock band Rare Bird. Here’s a clip, Beautiful Scarlet from 1970.

Jan Hammer 1948 - Musician. Here’s something he was famous for, the Miami Vice Theme.  Godawful video.

Olivia Hussey 1951 - Actress. Played Juliet in Romeo and Juliet (1968). Er... That’s it.

Pete Shelley 1955 - A Buzzcock. A clip? Here's Love You More.

David Lowe 1955 - Actor, composer, film director and scientist. In fact, a right old smarty boots.

Lance Taylor aka Africa Bambaataa 1957 - DJ, rapper, songwriter and producer from Da Braaanx. Have a clip.  Here he is with UB40 and Reckless.

Nick Hornby 1957 - Orfer. Fever Pitch. That was one of his. He is also something of a lyricist. Here’s one of his, Ben Folds Five with Levi Johnston's Blues.

Sean Bean 1959 - Actor. Father Michael Kerrigan in Broken. Not related to Rowan Atkinson.

Catherine Russell 1965 - Actress. Serena Campbell in Holby City and Casualty. Her.

Chris McCart 1967 - Fitba guy. Played for Motherwell, you know.

Henry Ian Cusick 1967 - Actor. Desmond Hume in Lost. Him.

Lee Whitlock 1968 - Actor. First appeared on TV in 1980. Stanley Moon in Shine on Harvey Moon. That was an early role for him.

Tamara Beckwith 1970 - Posh bird. Famous for being a posh bird.

Claire Sweeney 1971 - Actress. Lindsey Corkhill in Brooookside. Her.

Victoria Beckham 1974 - Now famous as Mrs Beckham, but used to be a singer, apparently.  Here she is with This Groove

Susie Amy 1981 - Actress. Chardonnay Lane-Pascoe in Footballers’ Wives. Her.

Josie Long 1982 - Comedian.

Paula Lane 1986 - Actress. Kylie Platt in Coronation Street. Her.

Lorna Fitzgerald 1996 - Actress. Abi Branning in Eastenders. Her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Africa Gramblaataa,

I really enjoyed hearing a Buzzcocks song again. Here’s a question for you: what was the first single that charted for The Buzzcocks?

Yours with love,

Waldo I. Gett.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions go last week? A bit better than last week with, not two out of five but, three out of five. Yay! Well, sort of yay. From our £2.20 outlay, we recouped £2.24. So, we’re in profit. Just. What happened? Read on...

Portsmouth vs Burton Albion - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 1 Burton 2

Boo!

Mike ‘Cheese’ Fondop and Josh ‘Nosher’ Powell scored either side of half-time to give Burton three points.

A first half devoid of any real chances burst into life in the last minute of normal time when Tom ‘Doon’ Hamer's long throw caused havoc in the home defence.

Fondop's initial header was miraculously saved by Craig MacGillivray but he was on hand to hook the rebound into the Pompey net.

Powell doubled the visitors' lead two minutes after the break with a perfectly struck shot from 30 yards out after Sean Clare tapped a free-kick into his path.

Burton put 10 men behind the ball for most of the game but pressed high on Portsmouth to prevent them from having any real possession.

Charlie Daniels' header two minutes from time proved no more than a consolation goal for Pompey.

 

Sunderland vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Sunderland 1 Charlton 2

Once more I say BOO!

The Addicks secured the points courtesy of an own goal from Black Cats midfielder Josh Scowen in the 31st minute and a low finish from Alex Gilbey in the 61st minute.

Scowen pulled one back for Sunderland with 13 minutes remaining but they could not find an equaliser.

Sunderland could, and perhaps should, have been in front before the opening goal but Charlie Wyke missed two fantastic opportunities.

Charlton took the lead when Scowen's attempted clearance on the line hit the roof of the net after Ryan Inniss' header was only half saved by Lee Burge.

Addicks striker Jayden Stockley had already headed against the post when Gilbey latched on to his flick-on just after the hour to add the second from close range.

Scowen made amends to put Sunderland back in it with a 20-yard diving header, after goalkeeper Ben Amos had denied Wyke again.

But the Wearsiders could not find a way to level things up in a frantic five minutes of stoppage-time.

 

Bradford vs Grimsby - Prediction Home win

Result - Bradford 1 Grimsby 0

Yay!

Grimsby were reduced to 10 men after Stefan ‘Awfy’ Payne was sent off at the end of the first half for appearing to headbutt his own team-mate, winger Filipe ‘Minor’ Morais.

After an even first half-hour, the home side began to test the Grimsby defence and after 33 minutes visiting keeper James McKeown made the first serious save of the game when he dived full length to keep out Gareth ‘Good’ Evans' shot on the turn.

Right-back Finn ‘Myperfect’ Cousin-Dawson then had a fierce shot blocked in a crowded goalmouth two minutes later as Bradford stepped up the pressure.

Andy Cook then saw his diving header deflected for a corner after the Grimsby defence failed to clear Conor ‘Tiger’ Wood's left-wing cross and this led to Bradford taking the lead in the 42nd minute.

The visitors could only partially clear the corner and when Evans returned the ball into the goalmouth, Anthony O'Connor scored with a diving header from close range as Morais flicked the ball towards his own goal.

Then after the one minute allowed for stoppage time, Payne, apparently annoyed with Morais for a misplaced pass, appeared to headbutt his own team-mate and was shown a red card by referee James Bell as the players left the field.

Grimsby made a determined bid for an equaliser in the second half, with their best effort coming in the 74th minute when Bradford goalkeeper Richard O'Donnell did well to block a fierce shot from substitute Harry ‘Bernie’ Clifton.

 

Cheltenham vs Leyton Orient - Prediction Home win

Result - Cheltenham 1 Orient 0

Yay!

A first-half Conor ‘Rufus’ Thomas penalty was enough for Cheltenham to see off Leyton Orient.

The home side dominated the early chances, with the first coming after just nine minutes when Andy ‘Moon River’ Williams headed just wide.

Charlie ‘Sleeve’ Raglan fired just wide before the opening goal arrived in the 31st minute when Orient goalkeeper Lawrence ‘Vim and’ Vigouroux clattered into Williams.

That earned the Robins a penalty and the O's keeper a yellow card, and Thomas made no mistake from the spot.

Chris ‘Brazen’ Hussey put another effort wide shortly afterwards before both keepers were called into action early in the second half.

First Cheltenham's Josh ‘Melanie’ Griffiths reacted well to push a point-blank Danny Johnson header over the crossbar and then an excellent diving save from Vigouroux denied Liam ‘Harry’ Sercombe at the other end.

Orient saw plenty of the ball in the closing stages but failed to get past a solid Cheltenham defence.

 

Salford City vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win

Result - Salford 2 Stevenage 1

Yippee aye yippee aye YAY!

Richie ‘Beach’ Towell spurned a glorious opportunity to hand the hosts an early lead when he volleyed over from close range inside 10 minutes.

Stevenage also threatened an opener in an even first half but Elliott ‘Chopin’ List was thwarted from an acute angle by the onrushing Vaclav Hladky.

Despite failing to record a shot on target in the opening period, Salford began the second half with promise and were rewarded when Brandon Thomas-Asante converted a Towell cross shortly after the restart.

The lead proved short-lived, however, with Luther Wildin's thunderous strike from outside the area arrowing into the top corner beyond a helpless Hladky.

Thomas-Asante fired a free-kick from long range against the crossbar as the hosts looked to reclaim their advantage and, with 76 minutes gone, Ian Henderson nodded in an Ibou Touray corner to give Salford the win.

 

That was last week; what about this week? Well, you may have heard that Prince Philip died last week [You’ve told us already. - Ed.]. Well, not content with annoying the nation’s TV watchers, he’s now doing the same for us footy fans. How so, I hear you say. His funeral is due to take place at 3pm on Saturday 17th of April... Just when we all settle down to listen to the footy on the wireless. And? And, they’ve only been and gorn and moved all the games to 12.30. Oh well, nothing can be done about it now so, for this week only, all The Grambler’s predictions relate to games taking place at 12.30. Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected.

Game - Result - Odds

Luton vs Watford - Away win - 3/4

Middlesbrough vs QPR - Home win - Evens

Charlton vs Ipswich - Home win - 10/11

Grimsby vs Bolton - Away win - 10/11

Morecambe vs Oldham - Home win - 10/11

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...

 

£12.56

A whole 6 pees more than we didn’t win last week.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last week’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1957 in Hayes, Middlesex. I joined Tottenham Hotspur’s youth squad in 1970 and progressed to the senior team in 1975. I made 377 appearances during which I scored 105 goals. I earned 53 caps for England. My managerial career took me to five clubs and I was also England manager for three years. Although my success rate was high at 60%, I was dismissed due to my views on disabled people.

Answer - Glenn Hoddle

2. Which Irish player has won three European Cup winners medals?

Answer - Steve Heighway (Liverpool 1977, 1978 and 1981)

3. Which Polish player has made over 200 Premier League appearances?

Answer - Łukasz Fabiański (271 and counting)

4. Which England manager won the most England caps in his playing career?

Answer - Stuart Pearce (78)

5. Which national side was given the nickname ‘The Pirate Ship’ after Euro 2004?

Answer - Greece

What about a few for this week?

1. Who am I? [Who cares? - Ed.]

I was born in Rotterdam in 1983. I began my senior career at Feyenoord and returned to end my playing career there. I played for Arsenal, Manchester United and Fenerbache in between. In 435 career club appearances I scored over 200 goals. I was capped for Netherlands 102 times and scored 50 international goals.

2. Which Scot set a competition record by scoring 14 UEFA Cup goals in a single campaign.

3. How old was Stanley Matthews when he won Ballon d’Or, a prize given to the best European player each year?

4. Which English club reached the final of both the UEFA Cup and the Europa League, but lost on both occasions?

5. Which club has won the most National League Titles?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).  Click on this link.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril...

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, you may be aware that a certain Prince Philip died last week. [Yes, you keep telling us. - Ed.] Well, spare a thought for Australian comedian, Lewis Spears. They do say comedy is all about timing.  By the way, that is most definitely NFSW.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.