How? How am I going to get rich quick? Well, a new series of Dragon’s Den [For our overseas’ readers I should explain that this is a programme on the Beeb Beeb Ceeb where would-be entrepreneurs pitch a business idea to a panel of filthy-rich
bastards business people who will possibly offer some financial
backing to make your idea a reality. In
other words, if they can make a huge profit from your idea. Either that, or they will patronise you
mercilessly about your lack of business acumen and basically rip the piss out
of you because you are not as clever, or as rich, as they are. Hope that explains it well enough for you. -
Ed] is underway and I have a brilliant money-making idea.
I don’t know about you, but when I use my mobile phone I don’t want all and sundry listening in. Nor do I want to hear everyone else’s conversation. Why is it that some people insist on shouting, Dom Joly style, when they use their phone
So here is my brilliant idea. It is a special place where you can go to make a phone call in private. How does this work, I hear you ask. Well, in all places where there is likely to be a lot of people I propose the erection of special booths or kiosks which you can go into to make telephone calls. Voila! No longer do people have to make calls in public; these kiosks would be pretty well sound-proofed.
Ah, I hear you query, what if I have forgotten my mobile phone and wish to make a call. Do not fret; I have thought of that. Each kiosk would be equipped with a telephone which, for a nominal sum - say 20 pee - you could use to make a phone call. This is brilliant, you are thinking, but how would I recognise these special kiosks, I hear you ask. Well, the kiosk would be clearly marked with a sign of some sort – say, TELEPHONE, for example. It would also be fairly distinctive too so that you would recognise it. Possibly painted bright red. But what if I am a bit claustrophobic and don’t like dark, confined places, I hear you query. Well, the claustrophobia can’t really be helped, but it could be made light and airy by having the sides made mainly of glass.
I think you will agree, it is a pretty radical idea, but brilliantly simple. I can’t think why no one has come up with it before.
Just think how much I could put into the Bobby Moore fund when the profits from that start rolling in!
Any road up, before we start on this week’s grambling, you are probably asking: what about some more dieting advice. You’re not? Well, you should be. So here goes. Last week I gave you the wonderful exercise called fidgeting. What have I got for you this week? Timing. Beg pardon? Timing. Question – what do you eat before going to bed? If your answer is food of any kind, the Gramblerplan diet tells you - your timing is wrong. How so? The Gramblerplan is that you should eat nothing after 6pm. You may ask why 6pm? And I will answer why not? All right, instead of a time, let’s say nothing after your early evening meal. Covering all bases there. I know some people call it dinner; some tea. But, there is a very good reason for not eating after this point. Food takes time to be digested. Food is digested quicker if you are on the move (or even awake); it doesn’t get digested too well if you are asleep. Am I right? Course I am. So don’t eat too close to beddy byes time. Right? Right. Not arf.
Shall we have a look how The Grambler fared this week?
Crystal Palace vs West Bromwich Albion – Draw Naw
Crystal Palace 3 West Brom 1
Tom Ince made his debut for Crystal Palace today and scored one goal and assisted in another as Crystal Palace inflicted another defeat on West Brom. The win lifts Palace a bit further out of the relegation zone but the Baggies are firmly stuck in the bottom three. Five wins all season is not a good record; they may well have won against Man U, but that’s not such a big deal this season is it. Anyway, what it does mean, and what really matters to us, is that The Grambler’s first prediction is wrang.
Notts County vs Coventry City – Away win – Naw
Notts County 3 Coventry 0
The Magpies took the lead on 13 minutes when Hayden Mullins met a Jamal Campbell-Ryce centre.
James Spencer's 30-yard strike extended their lead just after the half-hour mark.
And County skipper Alan Sheehan wrapped up the win from the penalty spot after Campbell-Ryce was brought down in the area three minutes from time.
Sadly, The Grambler well and truly fmucked up this one. Away win said he/she/it and we wound up with a most emphatic home win. Crap predicting or what.
Tranmere Rovers vs Preston North End – Away win Yay
Tranmere 1 Preston North End 2Joe Garner's brace (didn’t realise he was wearing one) was enough for Preston to beat struggling Tranmere.
Garner nodded in a cross from Craig Davies to put North End in front and he saw another headed effort kept out by Tranmere goalkeeper Owain Fon Williams.
Substitute Jason Koumas burst through three tackles to force a good save from Declan Rudd before Rovers levelled when Ash Taylor finished from close range.
Koumas hit the bar with a free-kick before Garner's winner, the striker rounding off a swift counter attack.
Preston remained fourth, but closed the gap on all three teams above them in the table, while Tranmere's defeat left them just two points above the relegation zone.
What can I say? Well done The Grambler. I take it all back.
Dagenham & Redbridge vs Hartlepool United – Home win Naw
Dag & Red 0 Hartlepool 2
Luke Williams scored his first goal in 17 months as
Hartlepool saw off the Daggers in League Two.
On-loan striker Williams grabbed his first goal for the club with a deflected strike to open the scoring.
And Andy Monkhouse poked home his sixth of the season late on to ensure Dagenham's first defeat in three games
Another one wrong Grambler, but, hey, who would have thought the high-flying Daggers would get beaten at home by the Monkey Hangers
Exeter City vs Portsmouth – Draw – 23/10 Yay
Exeter 1 Portsmouth 1
And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, The Grambler gets another one right. Woo hoo!
We have to thank the ref’s watch with getting this one right for The Grambler. Portsmouth led from 9 minutes when Jake Jervis tapped in from 6 yards. And that was the end of the scoring until stoppage time when Liam Sercombe’s shot took a deflection past the Pompey goalie. So we owe thanks to Mr Sercombe, to whoever deflected the shot and to that wonderful timepiece which ensured that we got a bit of dosh back this week.
So I’ll bet you all want to know just how much The Grambler’s predictions netted us this week. Did we actually make a profit? Did we f… no we didn’t. We got back £1.62 which is only 58 pee down. Could this be The Grambler building up to that big win? Doubt it.
Okay, on with this week’s predictions.
I am confused. [So what’s new? – Ed] No, I am. There are 4 FA Cup games on this Saturday. Four. Not 16. Four. So why are there no Premiership games? Haven’t got a scooby.
Anyway, all this means that this Saturday the 15th of February at 3pm there are 43 senior games for The Grambler to select from. So, what has The Grambler randomly picked for us? Three from the English Leagues and two from the Scottish.
Game – Result – Odds
Bournemouth vs Burnley – Away win – 7/5
For our first game, we head to Dean Court where the Cherries play host to the Clarets. The Grambler thinks that Burnley will take all the points in this encounter. Given that they sit second in the table with Bournemouth in 15th spot, that would seem a fair (random) selection. However, when these clubs last met (at Burnley), the points were shared. You would think, with home advantage, Bournemouth should at least take a point. And only two weeks ago they beat league leaders, Leicester City. Not sure about this one, Grambler; not sure at all.
Bristol City vs Tranmere Rovers – Home win – 7/10
Next, we head to Ashton Gate where the Robins play host to the Rovers. The Grambler has predicted that this game will go the way of Bristol City (the well known rhyming slang). Hmm. Both clubs sit way down the table on the same points – 31. Surely a draw would be the more logical choice. At the previous meeting of these clubs, the points were shared. Logic? But The Grambler doesn’t work on logic, does he/she/it? Again, not sure.
Portsmouth vs Wimbledon – Away win – 5/2
For game number 3 we head to Fratton Park where Pompey play host to the Dons. The Grambler reckons Wimbledon will take the points. Obviously, he/she/it reckons the Dons will simply overwhelm Portsmouth as happened in their previous encounter this season which Wimbledon won 4-0. Hmm. Portsmouth is, admittedly, a bit crap at home, winning only 5 out of 15 played. Then again, Wimbledon are utter sh*** on the road winning only 3 of 14; most of their points seem to come from home games. Once again, can’t agree with The Grambler.
Hibernian vs Ross County – Home win – 10/11
Next, we head to Easter Road where the Hibees play host to the Staggies. The Grambler has this one down as a home win. Based on league positions such a prediction would seem sensible, but hold on there Bald Eagle, Hibs have lost their past 3 games and Ross County have lost only one of the past 6 played. Hmm (again). This season the clubs have met 3 times already – twice in the league and once in the Scottish Cup. Hibs have won twice and drawn once. Not looking so good for County. Unless County can recreate some of the form of the previous season when Hibs lost all three encounters, I can’t see The Grambler being wrong here. As they chant at Easter Road – ‘Hoibees! Hoibees!’
Forfar Athletic vs Dunfermline Athletic – Away win – 11/10
And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther The Grambler takes us to Station Park where the Loons play host to the Pars. The Grambler thinks Dunfermline can take all the points here. Yet again, I say hmm. Yes Dunfermline are a lot further up the table being 2nd to Forfar’s 7th. That doesn’t sound much of a gap until you realise 7th place is also 4th bottom. However, the clubs have already met twice this season; the last game was a one all draw and the previous was a 4 nil win for for for Forfar. Can Dunfermline turn those scores right round and secure a win. I think it might be beyond them, but who am I to doubt The magnificent Grambler.
So there you have it my little grambling chums 5 games, 5 predictions and 5 bets. Well, if we are being accurate it is 11 bets – 10 doubles and 1 five-game accumulator. Anyway, you want to know how much will be heading for the Bobby Moore Fund (via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 ) if all the predictions are correct. Are you ready for this?
Not bad, eh? Could this be the week? Could it? Nah!
As you are probably aware, Stewart (the founder of this amazing blog) died last August of the horrible disease that is bowel cancer. At that time Geraldine (his wife) began ‘The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund’ (go to https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 for info) to raise money which would go towards research into a cure for bowel cancer and she set herself a target of 10,000 quid. We (her family) all thought that was a trifle optimistic [I’ve never met an optimistic trifle – Ed]. However, less than 6 months on, the amount raised for the fund is already over 70 per cent of the way there. So, I would like to take this opportunity to thank everybody who has put into the fund over the past few months (and, indeed, anyone who feels like putting into the fund – we still want to raise that 10,000 quid remember). Thanks to each and every one of you.
Shall we finish with a funny? A certain coffee shop should not use vans which have sliding doors….
Thank you and goodnight.