Saturday 8 February 2014

Week 23 - Curse You Wasabi Peas

That’s a strange subject heading.  Has The Grambler gone stark, staring mad?  What has Wasabi Peas got to do with anything?  What the f*** is or are Wasabi Peas?  Is it a musical group?  Is it a place?  Just what is The Grambler on about?

Don’t worry, fair reader; all will be revealed.

It is tentatively linked to the great Gramblerplan diet.  Very well, thanks for asking.  Lost a couple of pounds this week.  Where was I?  Oh yes.  Linked to diet.  You see, when you go on a diet, you aren’t supposed to eat certain things – sweets, cakes, biscuits…mmm…crisps, peanuts…oh, I’ve dribbled on my keyboard again.  Now I love all those things.  How would I cope on a diet without a wee treat now and then.  Well, I managed to cut out the sweet things, but we had some peanuts left over from Crimbo and I was finding it hard to resist them.  Solution – wasabi peas.  Yes, they are peas, but they are roasted and coated with wasabi which is a hot mustardy flavouring.  Unlike peanuts, which I can guzzle by the handful, I can only eat one or two wasabi peas at a time.  Don’t misunderstand; I do like them, but they have a strong flavour and a couple at a time is plenty for me.  The problem is their hardness.  Harder than peanuts.  More on a par with…erm…granite.  I am sure you are way ahead of me…Yep.  Crunch!  I got an appointment with my dentist, straightaway.  ‘That’s a nasty cavity, that’s a nasty cavity,’ he said.  I asked him why he repeated himself and he said… ‘Did I? Did I?’*  Anyway, he managed to fix it.  No more wasabi peas for me.


* Apologies to anyone who expected Chic Murray’s punchline to that.


Want some good dieting tips?  How about this one?  Fidget.  Pardon, what, excuse me?  Yes, fidget.  When you are sitting, you could be fidgeting.  You remember how you used to be told ‘sit still’ or ‘sit at peace’?  Well, don’t.  Be as restless as it is possible to be.  Seriously.  It is a good way to burn off the calories.  In fact, to help you, there even a song to sing as you are doing the movements.  Oh yes.  You might be able to guess which toon it is based on -

Everybody’s got ants in their pants,now
(Come on baby, do the Grambler-motion)
I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance now
(Come on baby, do the Grambler-motion)

My little baby sister can do it with me
It's easier to learn than your A B C's
So come on, come on, do the Grambler-motion with me

You gotta move your hips, now
Come on, baby
arms up, arms back
Well, now, I think you've got the knack

Now that you can do it, let's make a change, now
(Come on baby, do the Grambler-motion)
Move your legs in motion as you sing this refrain, now
(Come on baby, do the Grambler-motion)

Do it nice and easy, now, don't lose control
A little bit of rhythm and a lot of soul
So come on, come on, do the Grambler-motion with me

Wiggle in your chair in a Grambler-motion
(Come on baby, do the Grambler-motion)
Waggling your hands if you get the notion
(Come on baby, do the Grambler-motion)

There's never been a movement that's so easy to do
It even makes you happy when you're feeling blue

So come on, come on, do the Grambler-motion with me.


Whose birthday have we got this week?  Only the writer of that very song.  Why!  What a coincidence!  What are the chances of that happening?  72 this week; happy birthday Carole King.

Karaoke?  Now you’re talking.  I am the bee’s whiskers (or should that be cat’s knees?) at karaoke.  You haven’t lived til you’ve seen my Great Balls of Fire and my Armadillo. [Steady on now – Ed]  People come from miles around just to witness this remarkingbule phenomenomenon.  I’ll give you an quick rendish…rendit… I’ll sing it for you.  ‘Heez ettur why tyoo Armadillo?  Hever nade ha’ve bin hurgin may pillhorr.  Herdreamin dreams hov Armadillo, Hen sweed merrie hyoo wades for me.’ I’ve seen people crying when they hear that.  I’ll give you a touch of me Great Balls…

No you won’t.  Time to get on with grambling matters.

So how did The Grambler do last Saturday?  Not as well as the previous 2 weeks.  Oh, we got some money back.  Woo hoo!  Trouble is, it was only 62 pee.  Boo!  Never mind.  Here’s how the predictions went.

Game 1 – Cardiff City 2 Norwich City 1

The Grambler got us off to a flier with this one, predicting a home win.  Baby-faced manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer at last got a win from his team.  The win takes Cardiff off the bottom of the table, moving them all the way up to …erm…second bottom.

Game 2 – Everton 2 Aston Villa 1

Woo hoo!  Two on the trot for The Grambler!  In the battle of the ex-Motherwell men, it was Roberto Martinez who won.  I’m glad about that, because when he was a player, he didn’t move to another Scottish side and then come to Fir Park and score against his old club, did he Paul Lambert?

Game 3 – Swindon Town 0 Oldham Athletic 1

Knew it was too good to last.  The Grambler had this down as a home win.  I agreed with him/her/it but did point out that Oldham had won the previous encounter.  Of course it didn’t help that Swindon wound up with 10 men when half-time sub Troy Archibald-Henville was sent off after a second yellow card.  Troy Archibald-Henville?  No doubt his butler ran him an early bath.

Game 4 – Cheltenhan Town 1 Northampton Town 1

Bugger!  The Grambler had this down for a home win too.  Cheltenham had a cracking start, Jamie Cureton scoring for them on 2 minutes.  For the next 74 minutes The Grambler looked to have it sewn up but, then, on 76 minutes Matty Blair thought – No Grambler, you are not getting this one – and flaming well scored.  I told you Grambler!  I did.  I said a draw, but did you listen?  Did you f… no you didn’t.

Game 5 – Plymouth Argyle 1 Mansfield Town 1

Another draw!  The Grambler went for home win again.  What did I say?  I said a draw, but, once again, The Grambler didn’t listen.  Arrgh!

So, in conclusion, last week’s results were pretty crap.  Let’s get started on this week’s predictions, shall we?  Only 46 games for The Grambler to choose from and of those a mere 6 come from the Scottish leagues.  Scottish Cup weekend, see.  Do you know what, it’s nearly midnight on Friday as I write this.  I have just had a Ballantynes 17 year old, followed by a wee Glen Grant and finally a Glenfiddich.  I really can’t be ars…bothered going into lengthy detail about this week’s predictions.  Let’s just have the facts, shall we?

Game – Result – Odds

Crystal Palace vs West Bromwich Albion – Draw – 23/10


Notts County vs Coventry City – Away win – 7/5


Tranmere Rovers vs Preston North End – Away win – 1/1


Dagenham & Redbridge vs Hartlepool United – Home win – 17/10


Exeter City vs Portsmouth – Draw – 23/10


Okay?  Happy with that?  Hope so.  Any road up, you will all be desperate to know how much dosh will be heading the way of the Bobby Moore Fund via .  Well, this week, if all results go according to The Grambler’s predictions, the fund will benefit to the tune of –

Over 20 quid!

I knew I shouldn’t have had those whiskies.  Hic!


To finish, here is a way to entertain your local traffic warden…


…especially one with a keen sense of humour.


Happy grambling.

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