Wednesday 26 February 2014

Week 26 - We won how much???


Guess what.  The Grambler actually won some money this week.  Seriously.  Nae kidding.  Woo hoo!  How much, you are probably asking.  A frankly amazing….fanfare please….

£2.98

Wowee!  Take off the stake money of £2.20 and that leaves us with the fantastic profit of….drum roll this time….

78 pee

Amazing!  See I told you The Grambler would come good.  That is our best result in…. Sorry, I can’t keep this up.  78 pee.  Pathetic isn’t it.  Sadly, it really is the best profit in ages.  In fact, it is the only profit for ages.

 

Okay, let’s move on.  Hey, it’s birthday celebration time.  Yay!  Remember Elkie Brooks?  She was 69 this week.  She had just one really huge hit.  Can you remember it?  It was of course the famous Pearl’s a Singer.  I’ll bet you thought I was going to put Pearl’s a Grambler.  Nah!  That would be silly.

No instead of a gramblerised version of that song, I will instead print the words of a parody of that song done by Richard Digence.  Incidentally, I once saw Richard Digence live.  He was supporting Jethro Tull (or was it Steve Hackett?) at the famous Glasgow Apollo.  Now, he is a funny guy, Richard Digence.  Had his own series on the TV and all.  Does some really amusing stuff.  Not according to Glaswegians, he doesn’t.  He got booed off the stage pronto.  Any road up, here are the lyrics for Richard’s parody of Pearl’s a singer and very apt too for a blog which is loosely concerned with football.  Ladeez and gennullum I give you – ‘Earl’s a Winger’

 

Earl's a winger
He plays for his local team ev'ry Sunday
Wife permittin'
 
Earl's a winger
And some say that he eats centre-halfs for dinner
But he's only nine-stone-six
And his legs are like matchsticks
And he eats omelettes.........omelettes?
 
Earl's a winger
And they say that he plays like a beginner
He's pathetic
 
Earl's a winger
And he thought that he once scored a winner
He thought he'd won his team the Cup
But they were only warmin' up
It never counted
 
He wanted to be Billy Bremner
So he got his marchin' orders last September
He got a red card when he threw a toilet roll
At the crowd behind the goal
 
Earl's a winger
And he once had a trial for Tranmere Rovers
He never made it.......oh shite!
 
Earl's a winger
And they say that he plays like a beginner
His job is kickin' people's shins
Takin' corners and throw-ins
But he's useless
 
(Earl's a winger)
(He gets up and he plays ev'ry Sunday)
Wife permittin' like
 
(Earl's a winger)
(And they say that he plays like a beginner)
(His job is kicking people's shins)
(Taking corners and throw-ins)
But he's useless
 
(Oh, oh dear)
 
Well, I liked it, even if the good folk of Glasgow didn’t.  
Here, have a listen .
Right then, before we crack on with the results which resulted in our stupendous win, a very quick mention of the diet.  Hopeless.  I have actually gained weight.  Only a pound, but that shouldn’t happen.  Not when you’re supposed to be losing weight.  I mean, I had been very careful about what I was eating.  That is, until Thursday.  Went to my mate’s.  Coffee?  Ta very much.  Choccie biscuit?  I shouldn’t really.  Oh, go on then.  Later on it was supper time (Yeah, yeah, I know.  I shouldn’t eat after 6pm).  Hot chocolate?  Cheers.  Bit of cake and ice cream?  Aye, go on then.  Have you seen those cakes you get in Thornton’s?  Chocolate sponge covered in half inch thick chocolate icing?  Meant to serve eight?  It was a quarter of one of those.  Plus ice cream.
Okay, that was bad enough.  Friday was going fine until the evening when I attended a quiz night to raise funds for the Bobby Moore fund (via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 of course).  Well, if someone puts a bowl of peanuts in front of you and you are having a drink…. Aye, you know the rest.  Any road up, the good news is that £1350 was raised taking the total now raised to over £8500.  Brilliant, or what!
Then on Saturday… I don’t really need to say much other than list some of the incredibly unhealthy food I consumed – 2 bacon rolls + haggis, neeps and tatties (yum) + sticky toffee pudding and custard (yum) + 1 piece of wedding cake.   This is beginning to read like the very hungry caterpillar.  I’ve dribbled on my keyboard again.  And it was all helped on its way by a few rum and lemonades.  No wonder I put on weight.  The surprise is that it was only a pound.
Ah, you are thinking, that means less money for the Bobby Moore fund, doesn’t it?  No.  It actually means more.  Sorry, pardon, excuse me?  Yes, you see, if I lose weight I pay in 1 British quid for every pound lost.  If I gain weight, I put in double.  Thus, I have more incentive to lose than to gain weight.  Make sense?  It does to me.
Now for this week’s dieting tips.  Don’t eat chocolate cake, peanuts, bacon rolls, haggis and neeps, sticky toffee pudding…etc. etc.
 
Time to gramble, methinks.
 
Let’s have a looksee at how last Saturday’s matches went, shall we. Oh dear.  I have just realised that I forgot to put the odds in on my write up.  I will put them here (that should confuse everyone even more than usual).
 
Leicester City vs Ipswich Town – Prediction Home – Odds 8/13 – Yahoo!
Leicester 3 Ipswich 0

Jamie ‘Reg’ Vardy opened the scoring after taking advantage of a poor back-pass from Jay Tabb.

Ritchie De Laet's pass gave Davie ‘Ted’ Nugent a tap-in for the second and substitute Chris Wood added a late third.

The victory keeps Nigel Pearson's team eights points clear of Burnley at the top of the table and takes their unbeaten run to 13 games.

Good old Grambler. One right.  Four to go.

Port Vale vs Crewe Alexandra – Prediction Home – Odds 13/10 – Wrang!

Port Vale 1 Crewe 3

The Grambler well and truly fmucked this one up. 

The Railwaymen went ahead on 15 minutes when the home defence failed to clear a cross and Mathias Pogba forced the ball over the line from close range.

Chuks (Chuks???) Aneke's second-half penalty, after Vale skipper Doug Loft had tripped Matt Tootle (deffo a contender for cracking name of the week), and Brad ‘I’m free’ Inman's low shot wrapped up Crewe's victory.

Tom ‘His holiness the’ Pope scored a consolation, heading in at the far post from a corner.

Crewe's victory, making amends for their 2-1 derby defeat by Vale at Gresty Road in November, lifted the visitors two points clear of the bottom four.

After an untimely run of just one win in six matches, Micky Adams' Vale remain 10th, now nine points adrift of the play-off places.

Torquay United vs Accrington Stanley – Prediction Away – Odds 5/2 – Wahey!

Torquay 0 Accrington 1

Second one right for The Grambler.  Looking good for a big win.  Yeah yeah.  I know I’ve already told you the piffling amount, but some of this was written days ago and I can’t be ars…bothered rewriting it.

Torquay's Joss Labadie had two headers cleared off the line by Michael Liddle, who ironically shops in Aldi.  He doesn’t really.  I just made that up.

At one point, Gulls keeper Michael Poke (Fnarr, fnarr) tipped over a header from his own team-mate (who shall remain nameless.  Not because I don’t want to embarrass the guy; I just don’t know his name.  Useless Beeb Beeb Ceeb match reports!) and also made a one-handed stop when George Bowerman shot from Piero Mingoia's cross.

But Kal Naismith scored the winner after skipping past three defenders and side-footing into the corner of the goal. All together now…

Everybody Stanley,

Keep it in the family,

They can do the Stanley too

They’ll like it.

Ah, they don’t write them like that any more.

Kilmarnock vs Hibernian – Prediction Away – Odds 7/5 – Aww!

Kilmarnock 1 Hibs 1

Boo!  Hibs (Hoibees! Hoibees!) let us down this week.  So much for The Grambler putting his/her/its faith in them.

Danny ‘Arthur’ Haynes opened his Hibs’ goal-scoring account to secure a share of the points against Kilmarnock at Rugby Park in a game that the Easter Road side dominated throughout. 

Hibs started brightly and Tom Taiwo, Alex Harris and Paul Hanlon had opportunities before Kilmarnock took an undeserved lead on the 20 minute mark when Kris Boyd sent a terrific through ball to Rory McKenzie who hammered a fine right foot shot past Ben Williams into the far corner of the net. 

Hibs started the second half well with striker Haynes then Taiwo both going close before Haynes opened his account with 56 minutes on the clock with a well taken header from an excellent Sam Stanton cross.

Dunfermline Athletic vs Ayr United – Prediction Home – Odds 4/5 – Woohoo!

Dunfermline 3 Ayr 0

And finally, Cyril?  And finally (for the first time in this writeup) Esther The Grambler gave us a third correct prediction.  Only the second time this year, we have had more than two correct.

Ross Forbes gave the home team the lead with a fine strike from distance in the eighth minute.

Later, a Forbes' shot hit the post before finding Lawrence Shankland inside the area who scored with a simple tap-in.

The Pars sealed the win through Shankland, again set up by Forbes, but it was a fine finish from the striker for his fifth goal of the season. So there we have it fellow gramblers, those three correct predictions gave us our wonderful profit.  Sigh!

Let’s crack on with this week’s predictions now, shall we.  On this Saturday the 1st of March there are 56 matches starting at 3pm for The Grambler to select from.  So what have we got?  Well, for the first time since I started writing this here blog, there are no Scottish teams among the selections.  Don’t quote me on that though; memory isn’t what it was.

Game – Result – Odds

Everton vs West Ham – Home win – 4/9

First up we head to Goodison Park where the Toffees play host to the ‘Ammers.  The Grambler has got this one as a win for Everton.  Hmm.  Everton have had a pretty ropey start to 2014 having won only twice from 7 starts since the turn of the year.  West ‘Am have won 5 and drawn 1 over the same period.  Home win, Grambler?  Of course, Everton could have had a win against Chelsea last weekend, were it not for Chelsea using ‘every trick in the book’ according to Everton manager Roberto Martinez.  Even so, home win Grambler?  Can’t see it myself.

Burnley vs Derby County – Draw – 12/5

Next we head to Turf Moor where the Clarets play host to the Rams.  The Grambler is sitting on the fence with this one.  Team 2 in the league plays team 3.  Both teams are flying right now – Burnley haven’t lost since Boxing day and have yet to be beaten at home in the league this season; Derby are pretty good on the road too, being beaten only three times in 16  away games.  A difficult one to call this, maybe The Grambler’s caution is justified.

Crawley Town vs Peterborough United – Away win – 13/8

For our third prediction we head to the ridiculously named Checkatrade.com Stadium (The answer to the UK’s rogue trader problem.  No, not the stadium, the business apparently) where the Reds play host to the Pish, sorry, the Posh.  The Grambler has picked Peterborough to win this one.  Hmm (again).  The two clubs have only met once before and that was at Peterborough last August and Crawley roundly whupped Peterborough 2 nil.  Okay, Peterborough are the higher in the league by 13 places, but Crawley are currently on an unbeaten run having won and drawn 2 each of the last 4 games.  Reckon Crawley might actually take all the points from this one.

Tranmere Rovers vs Oldham Athletic – Home – 6/4

Prediction number four takes us to Prenton Park where the Trannies, sorry, the Rovers (the team Earl had a trial with) play host to the Latics.  The Grambler predicts a win for Tranmere here even though Oldham are higher placed in the league.  Perhaps he/she/it is basing his/her/its prediction on the fact that Tranmere have secured all the points from their last three encounters.  We’ll see, we’ll see.

Fleetwood Town vs Wimbledon – Home win – 4/6

And finally, Cyril?  And finally (it really is this time) Esther we head to Highbury Stadium where the Cod Army play host to the Dons.  The Grambler has gone for a home win.  Hmm (yet again).  Fleetwood have lost their past 2 games and have a pretty rubbishy record at home, losing 7 out of 16 played.  Wimbledon, further down the league, have lost 4 of their past 5 games.  Their away record isn’t too hot; only 3 out of 16 won.  It seems neither side is much cop these days, although Wimbledon did win at Newport on Tuesday, so perhaps a draw is the most likely outcome.

So there we have it my grambler chums.  Five predictions made.  The bet is placed.  How much aren’t we going to win this week?

£21.32

Could this be the… No, I won’t say it.  We need some good luck for a change.  Just keep the fingers crossed, touch wood, don’t walk under any black cats and other such expressions.

How about a nice picture to finish.  The poster to one of my favourite films…


 

…I may be thinking about food too much now.

Happy grambling.

11 comments:

  1. Elkie Brooks has 13 hit singles. This was NOT her biggest selling single as you state. Maybe you should check Elkie out on WIKIPEDIA . Her biggest hit was " No More the Fool " in 1987

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    1. Sorry Maria. It isn't meant to be taken too seriously. It just gave me a chance to fit in Earl's a Winger. Thanks for getting in touch, though. Please do your best to get all your mates reading The Grambler and help us promote awareness of bowel cancer, or any kind of cancer in young people.

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  2. Elkie Brooks had many hit singles. Why do people write blogs without checking out the facts. Elkie Brooks as of 2012 had more albums in the charts than any other female artist in the U.K. Pearls a Singer was not her only hit nor was it her biggest hit.

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    1. See above. Apologies all round. Hope it doesn't spoil your enjoyment of the unadulterated sh*** that is The Grambler.

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  3. Hits for Elkie Brooks,
    No More the Fool.
    Pearls a Singer.
    Sunshine after the Rain.
    Don't Cry out Loud.
    Lilac Wine.
    Fool if You Think it's Over.
    Only Love can Break your Heart.
    Gasoline Alley.
    Knights in White Satin.
    The Runaway.
    Break the Chain.
    We've Got Tonight.

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    Replies
    1. See above and above that. I remember most of them - I am that old, that I do remember. I even remember her from Vinegar Joe when she was on vocals beside the late great Robert Palmer.

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  4. Digence also supported Elkie Brooks many times. As other comments state Elkie had MORE than one hit.

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    1. One more time. See above and above that and above that. As it happens, I quite liked Elkie and don't think Countdown is half as good without Richard Digence in Dictionary Corner with Suzie.

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  5. Ok. so you got it wrong re. Elkie Brooks. Why not correct it ? For me who is not so old , she is a great singer.

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    1. Actually, it is encouraging to see your comments. I don't plan to alter the post, but will mention your thoughts in my next post.

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  6. Elkie Brooks is still touring and recording. Sounding better than ever.

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