Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which recently appeared in the Daily Record
and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Another article about Stewart appears in this week's local paper. We have been organizing a Family Fit and Fun Day in his memory. Please take the time to read it. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/local-news/east-kilbride-family-organise-fun-4157193#.VAeBUYAa6p8.facebook Oh, and wish us luck. A year in the planning? It's bound to be a shambles!
His wish was that The Grambler
should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
…but before I begin, thanks to everyone who
contributed to last week’s article and thanks to everyone out there in
Gramblerland who read it. I also thank
those of you who commented that you had appreciated the thoughts of those close
to Stewart. I felt the normal drivel
featured in this blog would have been inappropriate on the anniversary of the
death of the man who conceived the wonderful blog that is thegrambler.com.
Okay, on with the rubbish…
What has caught The Grambler’s ire this week? Holidays.
I am considering going on holiday. Where to? I hear you
ask. I don't know, but preferably somewhere that doesn't involve flying in an
aeroplane. [How else do you fly, then? – Ed.]
I still recall the last time I had to fly. Imagine the scene, if you will.Five fifteen in the morning. How would you like to be
subjected to treatment more akin to cattle in an abattoir? Yes, I am at Glasgow
Why for example must we arrive at the airport a minimum of 2 hours before a plane is due to take off? Of course, everyone has to do this, so it means that you have to stand in a queue for something approaching an hour as you await your turn. Would it not make sense to allocate a time slot for each passenger to arrive at an airport? It would mean an end to having to wait in a queue for so long. Worse is when there are several queues for your flight - how come I always end up in the one with the slowest worker processing the tickets - or bloke, as he is better known. Why is that? It's the same at supermarket checkouts; I always avoid one with a bloke because you can bet your boots he will be the slowest.
The case weigh-in bugs me. I am a little overweight as regular readers of this blog know. Not excessively overweight, you understand. A stone or so. However, if my suitcase is a kilogramme over the limit, I have to pay for that extra kilo; usually, a fairly hefty charge of 10 quid or more. What bugs me is that a person who weighs twice as much as me can get on a plane without incurring penalties if their suitcase is on or below the allocation.
Not fair says I.
Any road up; having waited in said queue for an hour and reached the desk, you get asked the single most daft question possible - did you pack this case yourself. No, of course I didn't - Mrs Grambler did. If it had been up to me, I wouldn't need a suitcase. A couple of shirts, an underwear and sock change or two - what more do I need? Spare shoes? Why? I've only got one pair of feet! Actually, it is probably safer to just answer yes to that one.
Then they go through a long list of banned items. Fireworks? Never know when that might come in handy when you're on holiday. Sorry for the sarcasm, but fireworks! I ask you! Right, armed with your ticket you now head to the security point. First thing that happens is that your passport and ticket get checked. Fair enough, your appearance might have changed drastically during the excessively long time you stood in that first queue! Then you are asked to go through that procedure I mentioned earlier. Remove all metal objects and place them in a tray. Belt? That surely is the airport staff having a laugh. You wear a belt to hold your trousers up. Stating the obvious there, I know, but if you take your belt off, trousers are no longer able to stay up. You either hold them up with your hand or they fall to the floor. Bear this in mind as you go through the next stage of humiliation. You walk through a frame which bleeps if a metal object is detected. What next? The final stage of humiliation or as I like to call it, giving the airport security staff a right old laugh. It’s the frisk search. Put your arms out like this says Mr security man. Result? Trousers round ankles. Ha bloody ha!
Another point, you are not allowed to carry liquid containers of more than 100 millilitres capacity. It's all to do with making bombs we are led to believe. That half litre bottle of water you are carrying has to be binned before you can get through security. What's the first thing you see when you get through security? A display of bottles of water which you can purchase for the very reasonable price of five times the cost in a non-airport shop. What a surprise!
Now then, I mentioned that case weigh-in earlier. How come, if weight reduction is so important, once you are through weigh-in and security, you can now go through the duty free shop and purchase bottles of booze, fags, perfume and as many Toblerones as you can physically carry?
I still recall the last time I had to fly. Imagine the scene, if you will.
Why for example must we arrive at the airport a minimum of 2 hours before a plane is due to take off? Of course, everyone has to do this, so it means that you have to stand in a queue for something approaching an hour as you await your turn. Would it not make sense to allocate a time slot for each passenger to arrive at an airport? It would mean an end to having to wait in a queue for so long. Worse is when there are several queues for your flight - how come I always end up in the one with the slowest worker processing the tickets - or bloke, as he is better known. Why is that? It's the same at supermarket checkouts; I always avoid one with a bloke because you can bet your boots he will be the slowest.
The case weigh-in bugs me. I am a little overweight as regular readers of this blog know. Not excessively overweight, you understand. A stone or so. However, if my suitcase is a kilogramme over the limit, I have to pay for that extra kilo; usually, a fairly hefty charge of 10 quid or more. What bugs me is that a person who weighs twice as much as me can get on a plane without incurring penalties if their suitcase is on or below the allocation.
Not fair says I.
Any road up; having waited in said queue for an hour and reached the desk, you get asked the single most daft question possible - did you pack this case yourself. No, of course I didn't - Mrs Grambler did. If it had been up to me, I wouldn't need a suitcase. A couple of shirts, an underwear and sock change or two - what more do I need? Spare shoes? Why? I've only got one pair of feet! Actually, it is probably safer to just answer yes to that one.
Then they go through a long list of banned items. Fireworks? Never know when that might come in handy when you're on holiday. Sorry for the sarcasm, but fireworks! I ask you! Right, armed with your ticket you now head to the security point. First thing that happens is that your passport and ticket get checked. Fair enough, your appearance might have changed drastically during the excessively long time you stood in that first queue! Then you are asked to go through that procedure I mentioned earlier. Remove all metal objects and place them in a tray. Belt? That surely is the airport staff having a laugh. You wear a belt to hold your trousers up. Stating the obvious there, I know, but if you take your belt off, trousers are no longer able to stay up. You either hold them up with your hand or they fall to the floor. Bear this in mind as you go through the next stage of humiliation. You walk through a frame which bleeps if a metal object is detected. What next? The final stage of humiliation or as I like to call it, giving the airport security staff a right old laugh. It’s the frisk search. Put your arms out like this says Mr security man. Result? Trousers round ankles. Ha bloody ha!
Another point, you are not allowed to carry liquid containers of more than 100 millilitres capacity. It's all to do with making bombs we are led to believe. That half litre bottle of water you are carrying has to be binned before you can get through security. What's the first thing you see when you get through security? A display of bottles of water which you can purchase for the very reasonable price of five times the cost in a non-airport shop. What a surprise!
Now then, I mentioned that case weigh-in earlier. How come, if weight reduction is so important, once you are through weigh-in and security, you can now go through the duty free shop and purchase bottles of booze, fags, perfume and as many Toblerones as you can physically carry?
That’s another gripe.
Toblerones. Why in heaven’s name
do people buy Toblerone if they are travelling?
Horrible chocolate. Stupid packaging.
What’s with the bear climbing up the mountain? And surely nobody wants a Toblerone as a
gift. Nobody.
Now before anyone accuses me of being anti-Tobleronist, can
I be allowed to explain why I have an aversion to this chocolate? I do enjoy the occasional small bar
(prism?). Or at least, I did. What really put me off are those three foot
long efforts with the end about the size of a road sign! How the fu… How are you meant to eat
them? Even Mick Jagger couldn’t get his
gob round that! And do you know
what? At one time, way, way back in the
mists of time I must have mentioned to my mother that I quite liked
Toblerone. Big mistake. Every Christmas, birthday and Easter
thereafter what did she buy me? A fn
Toblerone. The biggest that money could
buy. You know that book Oranges
I digress. Next you
get herded towards the plane and before you are allowed on, the passport is
checked one more time, obviously just so the staff can see how much you have
aged since you entered the airport 4, or is it 5, hours (weeks?) earlier.
Have you ever seen a new plane being shown on the news when
the journos get the chance to see it for the first time? I can remember that with the Jumbo jet (yes
I’m that old) and it had a beautiful first class section at the front with a
spiral staircase leading up to a bar of all things. Wow! (Aaagh. I’m turning into a trendy Beeb
Beeb Ceeb presenter – see http://www.thegrambler.com/2014/07/week-47-its-all-gramble-now.html
). How luxurious it seemed. The journo quotes some figures. Football pitches get a mention. Then the number of passengers it can
carry. “When this aircraft enters
service it will be able to carry between 200 and 490 passengers.” That’ll be 490 then. And for passengers read sardines. Why on earth do designers/accountants think
that an aircraft seat should only accommodate a person of average height? If you are 5’ 9” tall – no problem. Anything more? Problem.
It’s an average. See? There are lots of big people and there are
lots of little people. Somewhere in the
middle is an average. It might only be
one person that is of average height; the rest bigger or smaller. That average-sized person and anyone smaller
can sit in an aircraft seat – I nearly said in comfort, but as everyone knows
an aircraft is not a comfortable place to be.
You may have gathered from my moans that I am not of average
height. I am only 6’ 1” but even that
means that I have minimal legroom on a plane.
Have you seen what passes for hand-luggage these days? People used to take trunks if they were
‘trevelling, dontcha know’. It used to
take two forelock-tugging porters to heave it on board a train or ship. Now, that seems small compared to the current
crop of flight bags on wheels. Where is
all this leading? Planes are not
designed with enough lockers to take all these cases and bags with Toblerone in
them. If you are unlucky enough to be
one of the last onto the plane, all locker space is used up. Your own hand
luggage therefore has to fit under your seat.
Thus, what little legroom you had has been reduced further by this bag
sticking out between your knees.
Well, at least it can’t get any worse. Wrong.
The plane takes off. You have
managed to fold yourself into an awkward but tolerable position. Perhaps this won’t be too bad. Then, without warning, the seat back in front
of you seems to fall at great speed.
Luckily it halts before you are actually crushed, but it seems a near
thing. This is the recline position
which means you can barely move your head, such is the sudden restriction on
your ‘space’. The only thing you can do
is tilt your own seat back. Whoever is
sitting behind you then has to do the same thing. No doubt the same thing happens for the full
length of the passenger compartment.
Pity the poor sod sitting in the seat in front of the rear
bulkhead. That seat doesn’t tilt. He has to spend the whole flight unable to
face forward, because there isn’t enough room to turn his head. I know.
I have been in that seat.
And do you know what galls me most? It’s when the pilot talks to you and begins
with… ‘I hope you are having a pleasant flight’. AARGHHH!
Okey-dicky-doke, are there any birthdays of note this week? Yep, Gloria Gaynor, remember her? 65 on the 7th of September. If it hadn’t been for her, there might never
have been the martial art known as karaoke.
It’s true. Think of every karaoke
you have ever been to, how long till someone pipes up…First I was alone, I was
petrified? That was the beginning of
Glo’s biggest hit I Will Survive
which reached No. 1 in the US UK
Go on now go, gramble out the door
Just gramble round now
'cause you're not grambling anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to gramble me with goodbye
Did you think I'd gramble
Did you think I'd gramble down and die
Oh no, not I….etc. etc.
Just gramble round now
'cause you're not grambling anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to gramble me with goodbye
Did you think I'd gramble
Did you think I'd gramble down and die
Oh no, not I….etc. etc.
Time to move on I reckon.
So this week the transfer ‘window’ closed and Man U were
top of the big spenders having shelled out at least…are you sitting down? £160 million.
£59.7 million went on one player, Angel di Maria. Can we put that into some sort of
perspective? Okay, the average wage is
currently £26,500. Right? Di Maria is reported to be ‘earning’ £4.56
million per annum. That is over £87,600
per week. Or to put it another way, Di
Maria gets paid the national average wage every two days! That is obscene. He is not worth 178 men. Man U have yet to win a game this season;
hopefully their spending spree will get them that elusive win soon.
Things are a bit strange in Scotland Inverness , Hamilton Inverness and drawn with Dundee .
Not like them at all.
In the Scottish Championship, relegated Hibernian (Hoibees,
Hoibees!) are struggling and sit third from the bottom having lost three out of
four games.
Is there a connection?
You bet there is. New manager
trouble. All three have been forced to
change their manager before the start of the new season. Man U sacked David Moyes without giving him
long enough in the job to even get the seat warm. Ditto Hibs, by sacking Terry Butcher only
months into the job. Celtic, on the
other hand, had a successful manager walk away from the club. To my mind, all three were forced into taking
managers when they were better off with the ones they had. How long till messrs van Gaal, Deila and
Stubbs are offered their p45s because they are just not up to the job?
On to grambling matters.
How did last week’s predictions fare?
Not bad. Yay! But, not good either. Boo!
We won £2.27. Er…Yay? No, not yay, because that meant we won all of
7 pees. How did this happen? Read on…
Result – Derby County Ipswich 1 – BOO!
Bad start for The
Grambler. Derby County Ipswich Town
Chris Martin stabbed the opener home for Derby
Centre-back Berra headed the equaliser from a Paul
Anderson free-kick.
Rams goalkeeper Lee Grant denied Anderson and Teddy
Bishop, while Martin and Leon Best both had chances to win it for the home
side.
The draw extends Ipswich 's unbeaten run at Derby
Gillingham
vs Crewe – Prediction Home win – Evens
Result – Gillingham 2 Crewe
0 – Yahoo!
Bradley Dack's curler that found the top corner opened
the scoring for Gills after they had dominated early on.
The lead was doubled on the stroke of half-time when
Cody McDonald's effort looped off goalkeeper Ben Garratt and into the back of
the net.
Jermaine McGlashan hit the post in stoppage time for Crewe but the hosts hung on for a
comfortable win.
The win moves Gills up to mid-table while Crewe already look in trouble at the
bottom.
Cheltenham
vs Hartlepool – Prediction Home win – Evens
Result – Cheltenham 1 Hartlepool 0 – Waheyyy!
Koby Arthur
struck in injury time as Cheltenham Town Hartlepool at Whaddon Road
The Robins dominated but seemed unable to beat
visiting keeper Scott Flinders.
Terry Gornell saw his header cleared off the line by
Neil Austin before substitute John Marquis hit the post.
Marquis was denied again when Flinders pushed his
header onto the bar before Arthur nodded in the winner from Matt Taylor's
headed flick.
Stenhousemuir
vs Ayr – Prediction Away win – Evens
Result – Stenhousemuir 1 Ayr
1 – BOOO!
Ayr United
continued their unbeaten start to the season after being held to a draw by
Stenhousemuir.
The visitors had the perfect start when the Stenny
defence gifted Ryan Donnelly the opener.
But Ayr were pegged back midway through the first half, Martin
Grehan grabbing the equaliser with a low shot.
Stranraer vs
Dunfermline –
Prediction Away win – 5/6
Result – Stranraer 1 Dunfermline 2 – Er…yay…I suppose
A second-half
strike from Michael Moffat sealed victory for Dunfermline in a bad-tempered win over
Stranraer.
The visitors opened early via a free-kick from this
week’s ‘Cracking name of the week’ award winner Gozie Ugwu, but then had Ross
Millen sent off for serious foul play.
William Gibson made things worse when he converted the
subsequent free-kick to level the scores.
Stranraer lost Craig Malcolm after two bookable
offences and Dunfermline grabbed the winning goal on 63
minutes when Moffat slammed home from 10 yards.
So there we have it my little gramblerinis, 3 out of 5
correct. Can The Grambler improve on
that this week?
You know how The Grambler only uses those matches from
the 4 English and 4 Scottish senior divisions and then only the games which
take place at 3.00pm on a Saturday? Guess
how many games are being played at that time this Saturday, bearing in mind
that there are usually 50+ matches to choose from. Are you ready for this? Fifteen.
Yup, you read that correctly – fifteen.
Why? I can only assume it is
because there are eight UEFA European Championship qualifying games on
Sunday. Scotland Scotland Scotland Northern Ireland Ireland Wales England
So which of those 15 games will be randomly chosen by
The Grambler? Read on…
Game -
Result – Odds
For our first prediction The Grambler has picked out
the Robins vs the Iron. Which iron? Oh, any old iron, any old iron, any any any
old iron. Sorry. Yes we are off to Bristol Gate where The
Grambler has predicted a win for our favourite rhyming slang team. Possibly a good call (he said cautiously),
City have started the season well and, after five games, are still
unbeaten. Scunthorpe , newly promoted, are struggling a bit so far this season and lost
their first three games. However, they
drew their fourth and won their fifth; perhaps they are now on track to put a
few points against their name. I think
The Grambler has got this right, but don’t be surprised if the Iron sneak a
draw.
For our second game we head to Boundary Park Oldham are sitting in 17th place having lost a couple,
drawn a couple and only one win. Has The
Grambler chosen correctly? I would like
to hope so – not just because I want the bet to win – I like to see promoted
teams doing well in the higher divisions.
Next we head to London Road Stadium where the Posh
play host to the Vale. The Grambler has
predicted a home win here. Hmm. Although Peterborough Peterborough Peterborough
Southend vs Oxford
For our fourth game we head to the coast and Roots
Hall where the Shrimpers play host to the Us (That’s the plural of U, not the
word us in case you are wondering). The
Grambler has predicted a home win for this one.
Again I say, hmm. Southend may be
higher placed in the league, but have gone three games without a win. Oxford
Wycombe vs
Bury – Prediction Away win – 6/4
And finally, Cyril?
And finally Esther we head to Adams Park
How about a little factoid here? How did Wycombe Wanderers get the nickname ‘the
Chairboys’? Well, in the early days, the
young men who formed the club were apprentices in the furniture making industry. That’s very interesting [You reckon? Yawn. – Ed.].
So there we have it my little grambler chums. Five games.
Five predictions. Five correct
predictions? Doubt it. If, by chance, all results go in our favour,
our £2.20 bet (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) will return the
grand sum of…
£18.51
Not a bad wee sum to go to The Grambler’s Kick Bowel
Cancer’s Backside Fund via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3/.
Since Stewart died one year ago, over
£14 thousand has been raised by this fund.
Every penny raised has gone to the Bobby Moore Fund where research is
being carried out to find a cure for the horrible disease that is bowel
cancer. Thanks to everyone who has
donated. If you wish to make a donation,
you can do so via the Justgiving link above.
Now, cast your minds back to a fortnight ago when I
asked you who was the youngest ever manager in British senior leagues and what
first did he achieve in January 1949. The
answer is Ivor Broadis who was player/manager at Carlisle United at the tender
age of 23. What first did he
achieve? Sunderland offered £18,000 to sign him in January 1949. He, thus, became the first (possibly, only)
manager to sell himself to another club!
A little teaser for this week? A good un, I reckon. Which player, on his only appearance for Scotland
Let’s finish with a picture of Man U’s other big
signing, Radamel Falcao…
Hang on…something not quite right there.
Happy grambling.
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