Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which recently appeared in the Daily Record
and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
His wish was that The Grambler
should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
How about a couple of footy stories to begin with…
FULHAM manager…sorry, ex-Fulham manager, Felix Magath
recommended that defender Brede Hangeland treat an injured thigh with a block
of cheese that had soaked in alcohol.
Perhaps if he had left matters to the club doctor, Stephen Lewis, he
could have concentrated more on motivating his players to win some games. Not surprisingly, Lewis decided to move on
and is now at Brighton and Hove Albion.
Also not surprisingly, Hangeland also
moved on. A lot of very talented players
were shipped out on loan, while the players that were left struggled to meet the
high standard necessary to stay in the Premiership. Now they are even struggling at Championship level
and, at last, the club directors have seen sense and given Magath his
jotters. Since his departure more
stories about his looneytunes style of management have surfaced.
· After one defeat, he cancelled a rest day and brought
in everyone to play a full 90 minute match.
· He would often subject players to three training
sessions in one day. The training
involved forcing the players to run until they were at the dropping stage.
· He would summon players to his office and would not
speak to them; he simply stared at them.
· Two apprentices who turned up late for training (with
a legitimate reason) were fined so heavily that the senior players got together
to decide how to take the manager on.
Scott Parker spoke up for the boys saying the fine was
disproportionately high. The manager
refused to budge saying they had to learn.
Parker took it upon himself to pay the fines.
The story goes that Magath chose to put senior players
out on loan because the younger players were more ‘malleable’ and he could use
his intimidating management style on them without getting too much aggro in
return. Sadly, he didn’t get many wins
either.
WHAT is going on at Old Trafford? As I write this, they have thrown away
another 3 points needlessly by losing 5-3 to Leicester .
What happened?
Van Persie scored Man U’s first goal on 13 minutes. Three minutes later, Di Maria scored the
second. Two nil up and cruising it would
seem. Oh oh. One minute on Ulloa got one back for the
Foxes. No matter. Still a goal up and so it remained until half
time. On 57 minutes Herrera scored
restoring the two goal advantage. 3-1 up. Cruising again? Don’t you believe it. Five minutes later a controversial penalty
decision allowed Leicester back into the game as Nugent scored from the spot. Still a goal up; no need to panic yet,
lads. Within two minutes Cambiasso
levelled for the Foxes. Time to panic
lads. From then on Man U went to
pieces. On 79 minutes Vardy put Leicester in front for the first time in the game. By now Man U’s defence was in complete
disarray and with Leicester pressing for more goals a second penalty was awarded
on 82 minutes after a foul by Tyler Blackett.
He was Shown a red card and big Wean Rooney getting a yellow for
complaining about it. Ulloa was given
the job of taking the penalty rounding off a good afternoon’s work for the
Foxes.
I’ve seen another advert ont telly. This time it’s for an insurance company. The name of this company? NFU Insurance. Not the best of names, I am thinking. Where I come from, NFU has a particular
meaning and it should not be used by a company trying to impress customers…
‘I’m looking to get insurance. Who are you with? Are they any good?’
‘NFU’
‘Are they? In
that case, I’ll go somewhere else.’
This week I am on a nostalgia kick again. This morning while I was in my back garden
(or three slabs as it is more accurately termed) I heard a strange noise; or
rather a series of noises. I’ll try and
describe them for you. Are you ready? Clackety clackety clack, brrrrr; clackety
clackety clack, brrrr… and so it went on.
Sometimes a short burst of clackety clack noises, sometimes longer. Sometimes a long gap between the last brrrrr
and the next clackety clack. The noise
was familiar and yet I couldn’t quite place it.
In the end, nosiness got the better of me and I had to have a look. I discovered a neighbour a few doors away was
cutting his lawn with a mechanical mower.
Isn’t that wonderful? In an age
when we all look for labour-saving devices, this man had chosen to use a
labour-intensive human-propelled lawn-mower.
He had not had to resort to doing this because his motor mower was
broken. No. He chooses to use a hand mower. His reasoning is sound. The amount of grass he has to cut is not
large and is fairly flat. He reckons it
would take him longer to uncoil and connect cables to power an electric mower
than is does to grab this lightweight mower and get cutting straight away. He also likes the idea that he is using some
muscle and feels fitter for it.
He then finished the job by trimming the edges with a
pair of hand shears.
So we come to the topic of today: nostalgic
sounds. Those two – lawn-mower and
shears – were once familiar, but are now forgotten because we tend to use
electric or engine driven mowers and, instead of shears, ‘Strimmers’. I believe that is a product name but, like
Hoover and Sellotape, it has come to be used to describe anything of similar
type.
What other noises do I remember? Telephones that rang with a proper bell
inside the unit rather than the electronic burble or tune we now get. Also the sound of dialling a number rather
than pressing buttons. On the same
theme, the old engaged and unobtainable tones seem to have altered as well.
Talking of bells, I am really going to show my age
now, I can remember when emergency
vehicles were fitted with bells – or maybe I’ve just been watching too many
Ealing comedies from the fifties – instead of making the nee naw or woo woo
noises that they make nowadays.
I can remember the time when you went on a train or
bus and heard the sound of people talking – to each other. Quietly.
Nowadays the only talking you hear is somebody on their mobile
phone. Why is it that the person they
are talking to is always stone deaf.
They must be if the person on said bus or train needs to bellow the way
they do. And they also forget that there
are people around them when the conversation turns…erm… personal. I’d rather not know such intimate details.
And music.
Everywhere you go there seems to be music playing. I do not want to hear the shopping mall
manager’s choice of favourite rap (the C is silent) songs, thank you very
much. And to our local shopping centre
manager – Is it really appropriate to make shoppers listen to songs chock full
of swearing? I’m just asking. I’m dreading Christmas, when every flaming
shop plays the same album over and over and over and over…. Honestly, it’s a
wonder shop staff don’t need counselling when the Christmas season is
underway. They must have nightmares of
Noddy Holder screaming ‘IT’S CHRIIIISSSSTMAAAAAAS!’ at them.
There’s another sound associated with shopping: the
ting of a cash register, instead of the bleeping sounds the current computers
emit.
What about office noises? There is any number of different machines
that were used long ago but are now more likely to be found in a museum. Telex machine? Comptometer?
You what? A comptometer was a
key-driven mechanical calculator. So now
you know. Mechanical copier or
mimeograph machine? What about even a desk-mounted pencil
sharpener? All these gadgets helped to
make an office the noisy place it used to be.
Of course no other noise epitomised a busy office more than the
chattering and ringing sounds from the mechanical typewriter.
Other noises?
Road noise that is occasional rather than constant. Mind you, if you had to listen to some of the
vehicles of years gone by, you would be advised to wear ear defenders. Especially if you lived on a hill. The racket of some old cars struggling up a
hill in first gear! And when did you
last hear a car backfiring? On the
subject of traffic, here’s another one – motorcycles with slow revving engines
that putt putted rather than the screaming engines revving into 5 figure
numbers that are used these days. I am
nostalgic for the noise only; not the smell, the oil leaks or the smoke.
Some noises we don’t hear any more are to do with the
games played by kids. When I were a lad
[Here we go. Yawn…- Ed.] we used to play outside – Do you see that, younger
generation? – Outside! Kids are so into
their computer games these days, they don’t seem to want to play outside. So no longer do we hear footballs being
kicked about outside with the occasional tinkle of glass falling from a now
broken window, followed by the noises of the would-be Georgie Bests running to
hide. We don’t hear kids screaming TIG!
As they chase each other up and down the street and across everybody’s
gardens. We don’t hear the grating of an
empty shoe polish tin as kids play peever (or hopscotch; depends where you are
from). We don’t hear girls playing
ball-y [Ball-y? Steady on. – Ed.] as
they batter two balls off a wall [My eyes are watering now. – Ed]. While these tennis balls bounce [Oh, tennis
balls. I see. – Ed.] they would perform some odd dance
routine. Or playing a similar game
called kerby (every name very apt) as they endeavoured to bounce a ball off the
kerb across the street so that it returned to them. We don’t hear girls singing as they play
skipping in the middle of the street, at the same time being wary to avoid
oncoming cars. We don’t hear the raucous
laughter of every kid on the street piled onto a homemade bogey (or go kart;
depends where you are from) racing uncontrollably down a hill.…. Hmm. Tell you what kids; stay indoors, it’s safer.
Shared sounds are things we don’t have. People listen to their own music in their own
little world. If they are listening on
headphones, those around them can only hear a faint beat… ntsa, ntsa,
ntsa. If they are listening in their
cars, those around them can only hear a very loud DOOMPA, DOOMPA, DOOMPA. My own name for these vehicles is dumper
truck. Do you see? Doompa.
Dumper. Oh, please yourselves!
Long ago, back in the mists of time, if you were to walk
past any house on a given street, chances were everyone was listening to the
same thing – the Light Programme which morphed into Radio 2 back in 1967. It was the British Broadcorping Casteration’s
idea of a pop music station; as long as your idea of pop was the same as theirs
- Alma Cogan, Frank Ifield, Frank Sinatra and other easy-listening types. Elvis?
Not on your nelly! Spawn of
Satan!
I say everyone would have been listening to that
station. Probably a good 90% would have
been. The others would be split between
the other two stations on offer (from the BEEB of course). There was the Home Service, which is
basically what Radio 4 is today; mainly talking and there was the Third
Programme which is now Radio 3. That was
it. Three stations. No other choice. So you had light entertainment, talk shows or
classical music to choose from.
Other sounds?
· Milk bottles being placed on a doorstep every morning.
· Taking pictures with a camera containing film – that
solid mechanical click as you pressed the button and the aperture opened,
followed by the ratchety noise of winding the film on to the next frame.
· The whistles, bleeps and sounds of interference as you
twiddle the knob to tune in an old-fashioned radio.
· Record autochanger anyone? The
sound of the next record dropping into place and the stylus making first
contact with the record, usually suggesting a scratched surface, but settling
down once it reaches the recorded portion of the disc.
· Television closedown sound. Usually the last thing played of an evening
was the national anthem and an announcer would advise you to switch off your
set. Just in case you forgot, this was
followed by a continuous high-pitched beep which was sure to remind you.
· The sound of a film being shown by a projector. If there was a quiet bit during the film, the
effect was usually spoiled by the whirring clatter from the back of the
hall. In a similar vein – the noise of a
slide moving into place during a slide show.
· The whistling of a kettle to tell you the water was boiling.
The one sound I am really nostalgic for is…Can you
guess? Silence. Just that. No music.
No motors whirring. No traffic
noise. No neighbour’s TV being turned up
too loud! Just the sound of birds, the
occasional dog bark, maybe the breeze whispering Louise, but basically,
silence. Ah, bliss.
Any birthdays of note this week? Bernard Miles
1907 (It looks good, it tastes good and it certainly does you good), Gordon
Honeycombe 1936, Peter Bonetti 1941, Robin Nedwell 1946, Barbara Dickson 1948,
Michele Dotrice (Ooh Betty) 1948, Diane Abbott 1953, Irvine Welsh 1961, Gwyneth
Paltrow 1972 and Avril Lavigne 1984 all celebrate their birthdays today, 27th
of September… or rather, those that are still alive celebrate their
birthdays. I have deliberately left out
somebody from that list. Marvin Lee Aday
celebrates his 67th birthday.
Who? Yes, it’s the artist
formerly known as Mince: Meat Loaf.
There has to be a good song for gramblerising in his repertoire. I think a few lines from Bat Out of Hell will
do nicely.
And I know that I'm grambled if I never get out
And maybe I'm grambled if I do
But with every other beat I got left in my heart
You know I'd rather be grambled with you
Well, If I gotta be grambled you know I wanna be grambled
Grambling through the night with you
If I gotta be grambled you know I wanna be grambled
Gotta be grambled you know I wanna be grambled
Gotta be grambled you know I wanna be grambled
Grambling through the night
Grambling through the night
Grambling through the night with you
And maybe I'm grambled if I do
But with every other beat I got left in my heart
You know I'd rather be grambled with you
Well, If I gotta be grambled you know I wanna be grambled
Grambling through the night with you
If I gotta be grambled you know I wanna be grambled
Gotta be grambled you know I wanna be grambled
Gotta be grambled you know I wanna be grambled
Grambling through the night
Grambling through the night
Grambling through the night with you
There you go. Did you like that? No?
Neither did I. I do apologise in
advance for anyone out there who likes Meat Loaf; it must awful for you to have
such an affliction. Sorry. Uncalled for.
He actually seems to be a nice guy, old Meat. It’s just when he sings, I can’t stand
him. I say sings. It’s more akin to screaming. Why this obsession with cramming so many
words into a song? Too many, Mr
Loaf. An instrumental interlude would be
nice. Preferably for the whole song! [I
predict complaints; it’ll be Elkie Brooks all over again. – Ed.]
Okay, let’s get on with some
grambling. How did we get on last
week? Erm…You’re not really that interested,
are you? Don’t you just want to move on
to this week’s predictions? No? You’re desperate to find out how we got on
last week, are you? Oh. I see.
Right. Here goes. Over the top.
Tis a far far better thing…[Oh for goodness’ sake get on with it! – Ed.]
All right all right! We lost. Okay?
Happy now? How did it happen? Read on…
Norwich vs Birmingham – Prediction Home win
Result – Norwich 2 Birmingham 2
Oooh!
Hit the bar
Cameron
Jerome scored twice against his former club as Norwich Birmingham Carrow Road
The visitors went ahead when Callum Reilly's shot
deflected off Russell Martin, beating goalkeeper John Ruddy.
Demarai Gray then slotted past Ruddy to double Blues'
lead before Martin crossed for Jerome to score his first.
Just three minutes later, Jerome levelled when he
headed Nathan Redmond's delivery into the net.
Wolves vs Bolton – Prediction Home win
Result – Wolves 1 Bolton 0
Yay!
Striker Nouha
Dicko's first-half header gave Wolves all three points against struggling
Bolton Wanderers at Molineux.
The hosts went in front just before the interval when
Dicko nodded his third of the season from Matt Doherty's cross.
But Carl Ikeme pulled off a double save, denying Owen
Garvan's spot-kick before saving his follow-up effort.
Colchester vs Bradford – Prediction Away win
Result – Colchester 0 Bradford 0
Blast! Hit the bar again
Colchester
United and Bradford City
Mark Yeates forced a save from Colchester keeper Sam Walker in the second
period before Freddie Sears' shot for the home side was cleared off the line by
Bradford 's Stephen Darby.
Sears produced another effort late on but Pickford
saved at his near post.
Yeovil vs Peterborough – Prediction Away win
Result – Yeovil 1 Peterborough 0
Boo!
Totally wrong
Joel Grant's
late strike gave Yeovil victory over high-flying Peterborough
The Glovers started strongly and Grant produced a
long-range effort that just missed the target.
The visitors came into the game and Marcus Maddison
nearly gave them the lead when his effort hit the woodwork, after two earlier
efforts went wide.
In the second-half, Kieffer Moore prodded wide for the
hosts before Grant's run and cool finish secured Yeovil a deserved three
points.
Doncaster vs Chesterfield – Prediction Away win
Result – Doncaster 3 Chesterfield 2
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Nathan Tyson headed home a Reece Wabara cross before
Kyle Bennett lashed in off the crossbar to double Rovers' lead.
Sam Clucas pulled one back for the visitors as he
pounced on a rebound, only for Jamie McCombe to score in similar fashion and
restore the two-goal cushion soon after.
Eoin Doyle set up a nervy finish with a tap in but Doncaster held on.
One out of five.
Rubbish or what? For the first
time this season the return from our bets returned absolutely zilch. Things can only get better the famous song by
D:Ream told us back in 1993. That got to
number 1, you know. It is remembered now
for the fact that the keyboardist was Brian Cox…That’s the grinning physicist,
not the miserable-looking actor. How odd
that two famous people who share the same name should have faces which are such
polar opposites…The song also earned itself a bit of notoriety when it was
played at the after-election party when Labour swept to power in 1997…Do you
remember the memorable image of John Prescott, Neil Kinnock and Peter Mandelson
awkwardly grooving along to the song?.........
Where was I? Oh
yes, this week’s predictions. What has
The Grambler come up with this week? Out
of 59 games taking place in the eight senior leagues this Saturday, 27th
of September at 3pm , what five has he/she/it randomly chosen for his/her/its
predictions?
Game -
Result – Odds
First up, we head to the seaside. Woohoo!
Buckets and spades at the ready!
Unfortunately, it’s to watch football at Bloomfield Road Norwich Norwich Blackpool are second bottom in the Championship, you’ve got to admit he/she/it
could have a point. As Norwich
For game two we head east to’t Yorkshire taaan of Baaarnsley. For game
two we head east to’t Yorkshire taaan of Baaarnsley.
Sorry, stereotyping there. We
head to Oakwell where the Tykes play host to the Robins. Again, The Grambler has predicted that the
visitors will win. Results so far this
season would suggest that he/she/it could be right with Swindon currently sitting 15 places higher than Barnsley in League 1. However, the
season is young, only eight games played so far. Granted, Swindon have lost only one game thus far, but Barnsley have only lost three.
Tellingly, both have drawn three of the eight. Perhaps a point each might be a more likely
result.
For game number three we head to Derbyshire and the
Proact Stadium where the Spireites play host to the Magpies. This time The Grambler has predicted a win
for the home side. Newly promoted
Chesterfield have started well this season sitting in fifth spot having won
four out of eight games and losing only two.
Notts County Notts County
Game number four takes us abroad, to Wales Notts County Newport
And finally, Cyril?
And finally Esther it’s north to Dunfermline , birthplace of industrialist Andrew Carnegie and famous flute player
and flamingo impressionist Ian Anderson.
Yes, we head to East End Park Dunfermline ’s favour
is the fact that they have yet to be beaten at home. As regular readers know, I tend to have a
soft spot for newly promoted teams; I like to see them do well among the ‘big
boys’. With that in mind, I wouldn’t
bother if The Grambler had this one wrong and the Blue Toon take a point or
three.
So, there you have it.
The predictions are in, the bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles
and 1 x 20 pee accumulator). How much will
be heading to the Bobby Moore Fund via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside
Fund? An astonishing….
£20.53
What’s astonishing about that, you may ask. The answer is, I’ll be astonished if it
actually wins.
Okay, that’s us done with this week’s grambling
matters, let’s have the answer to last week’s teaser. I asked who would be first and last in an
alphabetical list of Premiershit goalscorers.
The answers are Rolando Aarons (Newcastle Coventry
What team has the worst ever goal difference over the
season in the English Premiershit and what was that difference?
Okay, I wanted to finish with a joke from Round the
Horne (a humorous wireless show on the Light Programme in the 1960s). I was hoping to just put a link, but sadly
the gag is not on line, so I will have to try and tell it. A section of the programme suggested that
people were gullible enough to buy anything they saw advertised on TV. The next bit is quite prophetic. It went on to say people would even buy water
if it were advertised. We then heard
several spoof adverts based on those current at the time. Here is one.
Imagine Bernard Miles doing it.
‘…A drop of good stuff that. Water.
It looks good, it tastes good and, by golly, it is good….if you put
enough gin in it.’
Happy grambling.
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