Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn
from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
He began writing The Grambler
when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a
lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish
was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to
oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the
most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
Dear Mr O’Grambler,
We read The Grambler every week, but feel aggrieved that you only ever deal
with English and Scottish leagues. Could
you not see your way clear to occasionally making some reference to the Irish
Leagues?
Yours truly,
Lynn Field, Cliff Tonvil and Glenn Avon.
…..oooOooo…..
Sad news. Mrs G has been stung. You are probably thinking, where on earth do
you get wasps at this time of year. No, she wasn’t stung by a wasp or, indeed,
by any form of stripey insect. We were
visiting a hospital and felt like a coffee.
She was stung in the cafeteria [Ooh, nasty. You don’t want to be stung there. Can be very painful. And you wouldn’t be able to ride your bike. –
Ed.]…ahem, as I was saying, she got stung by the person serving coffee. While she waited in the queue to pay, she was
chatting to someone standing next to her.
Without paying much attention she removed a £20 note from her purse and
paid the cashier. She was then handed a
few coins as change. The amount given
meant that she had paid nigh on 14 quid for two cups of coffee…
‘I think that was a £20 note I just gave you,’ she said, not sounding
particularly certain.
‘No. It was a £10 note,’ said the
person on the other side of the counter with an air that said – try and prove
otherwise.
What could she do? It was his word
against hers. All she could do was put
it down to experience.
Of course, the mistake she made was being very British about it. In the good ol U S of A, things would have
been different. Americans know how to
complain and do. You have to admire them
for their ability to kick up a stink if something isn’t just so. If Mrs G had dealt with it the American way,
she would have proclaimed loudly…
‘I have just handed you a £20 note and you have only given me change for
ten. If you don’t rectify this
immediately, I intend to speak to the manager of this establishment to report
the theft! Yes, you heard. Theft!’
In Britain, we are too timid to deal with such situations. How many of you can honestly say you don’t
recognise the following type of exchange?
A man and a women are seated in a restaurant eating their meals…
‘This steak’s a bit tough.’
‘Mine’s cold.’
‘I know. It’s full of fat too.’
‘The chips are burnt as well.’
‘And the onion rings are soggy.’
The waiter approaches the table…
‘How are your meals?’
‘Fine.’
‘Mmm. Lovely.’
Admit it. You’ve done that at some
point in your life. Not so in America
though. I recall a holiday in Florida we
took many years ago. We were in a
Perkins restaurant and had waited for ages for our meals. As I stood in a queue to pay the bill, a
small man ahead of me with the look and demeanour of Edward G. Robinson as
Little Caesar, was paying his…
‘Did you enjoy your meal sir?’
‘No! Da carrots stunk!’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Dey stunk! Dey was all watery and
sloppin’ about!’
‘I’ll give you 10% off.’
‘Tanks!’
My turn.
‘How was your meal sir?’
Thinking - when in Rome…
‘Fine, apart from having to wait for ages for it to be served.’
‘I’ll give you 10% off.’
He gave me a very odd look as, in my best Edward G. voice, I replied,
‘Tanks!’
Back to the plot. Mrs G being
fleeced for a tenner. There is a simple
way to deal with it. It is a way I
always adopt. And don’t think I do this
because I consider myself clever to have come up with the answer. No. I
was caught out in exactly the same way many moons ago and this is simply how I
prevent the same thing happening again.
Whenever I pay for an item with a note large enough to require smaller
value notes as part of the change. I
hand over my money with the words, ‘I’m sorry I only have a 20 (or whatever
value it is).’ That way, you have removed
the dubiety (That’s a good word. Must look it up.) before parting company with
your dosh. Having announced the value of
the note, there is no posibility of getting conned… unless you get given a
counterfeit note as part of your change.
But that’s another story.
No no, I don’t ask for thanks. Just
look on this bit of sage advice as my gift to you all.
Before leaving this topic, I want to mention a programme that was on TV
when I were a lad [Oh oh. Hovis time. –
Ed.]. The programme was called Budgie and
starred Adam Faith as a likeable, but inept, crook. Each week he came up with some crooked way to
make money and tended to end up with it going totally wrong. I recall one programme was exactly what I
have described thus far; his scheme was to run a crummy little burger bar and,
if anyone gave him a fiver, he would return change for a pound note (I told you
this was a long time ago. When did you
last get a burger for less than a quid or even see a pound note?). That was his plan, anyway. As always happened with Budgie, he never
won. Everyone he tried it with managed
to catch him out and he always had to give them the correct change. By the end of the programme, his little
enterprise has failed miserably and we see a dejected Budgie going to a burger
bar not unlike his own and ordering a coffee.
He hands the guy a fiver and receives change for a pound. Every programme ended with Budgie losing out
in this way. In it’s day, it was a
damned good series; it was created by Willis Hall and Keith Waterhouse and, as
well as Faith in the lead role, the series had a brilliant character called
Charlie Endell played by Iain Cuthbertson who was supposed to be a respectable
club owner but was an underworld villain who was menacing to say the least. He could even make the words, ‘have an
olive’, sound intimidating. It is fair
to say that the Endell character became the main reason for watching. The programme also provided Hollywood actor
John Rhys-Davies with an early TV role.
He played one of Endell’s henchmen who went by the brilliant name of
‘Laughing Spam Fritter’. It’s a shame they never show it on UK Gold (or
whatever name it’s called these days).
…..oooOooo…..
Birthdays of the week? What fine
famous folk found their way into the world on the 21st of March? Modest Mussorgsky 1839 (Unassuming brother of
Humble Mussorgsky, Shy Mussorgsky and Absolutely-full-of-himself Mussorgsky),
Florenz Ziegfield 1869 (Builder of extravagant and useless garden buildings),
John D. Rockefeller III 1906 (Maker of rocking chairs), Paul Tortellier 1914
(type of pasta), James Coco 1929 (Monkey on the front of the cereal packet),
Michael Heseltine 1933 (Ginger nuts), Brian Clough 1935 (Shy football manager),
Solomon Burke 1940 (Rhyming slang), Ray Dorset 1946 (She’s a long-legged woman,
Jessie Black), Timothy Dalton 1946 (27th James Bond), Roger Hodgson
1950 (Can you put your hand in your head?), Gary Oldman 1958 (Syd), Lothar
Matthaus 1961 (Footy bloke), Matthew Broderick 1962 (Simba), Ronald Koeman 1963
(Football manager who played Bulldog Drummond), Adrian Chiles 1967 (Talking
Toby jug), Mark Williams 1975 (Snookery bloke), Ronaldhino Gaucho 1980
(Grinning footy bloke) and Lee Cattermole 1988 (Another footy bloke).
Who’s going to provide us with our gramblerised toon this week? When I saw Ray Dorset, I immediately thought
‘yes, I’m sure we could gramblerise something by his group Mungo Grambly.’ However, there is someone else in there who I
think provides us with a very good toon indeed – It’s Roger Hodgson of
Gramblertramp, and what better song to gramblerise than…
Grambler, you know
you are a grambler
Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no
I said, "Grambler, you're nothing but a grambler"
Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no
I said, "Far out, what a day, a year, a laugh it is"
You know, well you know you had it Gramblin' to you
Now there's not a lot I can do
Grambler, you stupid little grambler
So now you put your head in your hands, oh no
Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no
I said, "Grambler, you're nothing but a grambler"
Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no
I said, "Far out, what a day, a year, a laugh it is"
You know, well you know you had it Gramblin' to you
Now there's not a lot I can do
Grambler, you stupid little grambler
So now you put your head in your hands, oh no
Did you understand any of that? No,
neither did I.
…..oooOooo…..
How did our grambling fare last week? Quite well, actually. Four out of five correct. Woohoo, do you say? Go on, it’s worth a woohoo. We even made a profit. Woohoo!
How much did we win?
£4.44
That wasn’t profit.
£2.24 was. Double our stake money
back, then. I repeat: woohoo! What happened? Read on…
Game – Result – Odds
West Bromwich Albion vs
Stoke – Prediction Home win
Result – West
Bromwich 1 Stoke 0
Yay!
Brown Ideye headed the decisive goal early on but the
hosts could have had more in a dominant display that lifts them 11 points clear
of the drop zone.
Saido Berahino flashed a shot across the face of goal,
before Asmir Begovic did well to deny Ideye with a fine low save after the
break.
Stoke threatened sporadically, with Peter Crouch seeing
a header charged down after Ben Foster fumbled a cross.
Result – Bournemouth
4 Blackpool
0
Yay!
Brett
Pitman's first-half hat-trick sealed Bournemouth 's return to the top of the Championship with victory
against bottom side Blackpool .
Pitman cutely headed in a second and then drilled a
third as Blackpool crumbled before half-time.
Callum Wilson's spot-kick sealed the Seasiders fate
after the break.
Pitman was a prominent figure throughout and might have
added to his treble had referee Chris Sarginson awarded a penalty when he went
down in the box in the opening period.
Blackpool came into the match on a run of four
straight defeats and were always on the back foot, even before Pitman sauntered
forward and slotted the ball past keeper Parish for the opener.
Parish was wrong-footed by Pitman's clever header, his
100th Cherries goal, and the ex-Bristol City
There was no change in momentum for the second half,
with Wilson
Result – Portsmouth Luton
0
Yay!
Matt Tubbs gave Pompey an early lead with a superb
flick from a ball into the box by Jed Wallace, who then crossed for Ryan Taylor
to make it 2-0.
Luke Wilkinson had a header cleared off the Pompey
line for Luton late on, but the Hatters drew a
blank.
We’ve not had a manager talking bollocks for a while,
so here is Portsmouth
"It's a real good win for us and we're delighted
with the three points.
"The atmosphere was electric. The supporters were
unbelievable and we responded to it.
"I said to Danny East as he came off it was nice
to see him out there.
"The loan spell definitely worked at Aldershot . It got him match fit and it was
good to see him out there."
I gather he was pleased to see him out there.
Just to keep it fair here’s a flattering picture of Luton manager, pensioner, John Still…
‘I’ve got all me own
hampsteads ent I?’
Result – Ayr
0 Stenhousemuir 0
Ooh! ‘It the bar!
Ayr United
twice struck the woodwork as they laboured to a goalless draw at home to fellow
strugglers Stenhousemuir.
Craig Beattie rattled the crossbar in the 19th minute
and Brian Gilmour's effort hit the frame with nine minutes remaining.
Greg Fleming in the visiting goal thwarted Beattie,
Jon-Paul McGovern and Robert Crawford to preserve his clean sheet.
L. Ginn vs Queen’s Park
– Prediction Away win
Result – Elgin
Yay!
Jordan
Moore's 90th-minute winner over Elgin
Gilchrist made an early impression by sweeping home
Daniel Moore's early free-kick in just the second minute.
Queen's Park were level before the break, though, as
Mark Nicholson headed into the back of his own net.
Paul Woods hit the Elgin Moore
What about this week’s predictions? There are 51 matches in the English and
Scottish senior leagues which take place at 3pm on Saturday the 21st of
March. From these, The Grambler has
selected…
Game – Result – Odds
MK Dons vs Notts
County
There you have it my little gramblerinis, The Grambler
has spoken. The bets (10 x 20 pee
doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) have been placed. How much will The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s
Backside Fund be forwarding to the Bobby Moore Fund?
£11.47
That’s quite… isn’t it? I think so.
It’s definitely…yes.
…..oooOooo…..
How about an answer to last week’s teaser? Last week I told you that Lionel Messi was
the top goalscorer in Europe ’s top five leagues with 41 goals. Christiano Ronaldo was second on 39
goals. I then asked which 21 year old
came third on the list? The answer is
Tottenham Hotspur’s Harry Kane with an impressive 26 goals.
This week’s teaser?
Who is the only player to come on in an international game as a
substitute for his own father? A good
one to ask down the pub, methinks.
Before we do our
‘and finally’ bit, I will repeat what I stated at the end of last week’s
blog. Why? Because it is important. I ask all you readers of this wonderful blog that
is thegrambler.com to tell everyone you know to start reading it. Maybe they won’t appreciate the drivel that I
write but, hopefully, they will learn something about the horrible disease of
bowel cancer. We are told so often that
95% of cases are in people aged over 50.
This is true, but the other 5% can be any age. Let people know this. Let them know that any bowel problems should
be investigated immediately, no matter how young they are. Don’t be fobbed off with the line ‘You’re too
young to get bowel cancer’. You’re never
too young. http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
And finally,
Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted
to a Mr Ray Dorset who wrote the song you can hear by clicking on Kelly Marie [She might not like you doing that. - Ed.]. It’s a catchy little number
entitled Feels Like I’m in Love. You can
just imagine a 70s disco with everyone boogieing along and shouting ‘boom boom’
at the appropriate moment. What you
perhaps can’t imagine is the song being sung in the style of Elvis Presley… No
that’s wrong; not in the style of Elvis, actually by Elvis. Yes, the King. Ray Dorset could, because that was who he
specifically wrote it for. I don’t know
why Elvis turned it down. Perhaps he
didn’t fancy having to do a video with those two tw*ts poncing about in their
lurex suits.
Happy grambling.
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