Saturday 28 March 2015

Week 34 - The Grambler on Klaxon

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via .


If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will.


He began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…



Big news of the week appears to be the sacking of a chap called Klaxon.  He is, or was, the presenter of a TV programme connected tenuously with motoring, but blotted his copybook, so to speak, when he attacked the producer of the said programme – the title of which has nothing at all to do with drugs – both physically and verbally.  Not on.  Whoever you are.

But Klaxon has many fans out there who will be saddened by his dismissal.  There are also many who will be gladdened by it.  He is the sort of presenter who polarises opinion; a Marmite presenter.  Is this sacking his downfall?  Or is he simply going to bounce back as he has before…

Back in the 1970s the Beeb Beeb Ceeb began a car programme whose title had nothing to with drugs.  It was a dull but well-meaning magazine type of programme which addressed all things motoring – road tests, car safety, safe driving, etc.  It puddled along for a few years fronted by various presenters among them William Dullard and Noel Tidybeard.  Then, in the 80s a new young presenter appeared.  He wore jeans and had a head that resembled a stick of broccoli.  This was Klaxon.  He was from an incredibly priviliged background – ‘I learned to drive in a Bentley.’ – and was a bit full of himself – ‘I’m good in a room.’  He injected what he perceived as humour into the programme – ‘If this car could sing…Id’d be Joe Cockerrr!’  He also had the annoying presenting technique of beginning words with an ‘uh’ sound to emphasise them – ‘My uhname is Jeremiah uhKlaxon.’

The ratings for the programme whose title had nothing to with drugs began to get bigger as did Klaxon’s, already massive, ego.  He wanted more say and was told where to go, the producers pointing out that nobody was bigger than the programme.

The next series failed miserably and was laid to rest by the Beeb.  Klaxon, now convinced he was indeed bigger than the programme and now feeling that sense of entitlement normally reserved for royalty or dictators, pitched his new format for the programme to the Beeb Beeb Ceeb…

‘Id is uhLast of the Summer Wine uhwith cars.’


‘Uhthree men uhbehaving like overgrown uhchildren and getting up to all sorts of uhcar related uhcomedy.’

‘It’s not meant to be a comedy.’

‘Don’t uhworry.  The comedy will be so bad… id’ll be good.’

‘Who are the other two people involved?’

‘I uhdon’t uhknow.  But they uhmust uhbe uhdull as ditchwater.’


‘Uhthen they can feed me lines so that, even uhwith my uhlaboured delivery, my replies will uhseem like uhrazor sharp uhwit.’

‘This is preposterous.  You want to turn our programme – whose name has nothing to do with drugs – into the Jeremiah Klaxon Show!’


‘Never!  You can’t turn our motoring programme into a… a… farce!  Why, it’s the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever come across…with the exception of Deal or No Deal, of course.’

‘Uhgentlemen, id’ll earn you, and uhme, uhmillions.’

‘Wonderful idea.  I’ll draw up a contract straight away.’

That is probably not so far removed from the truth.  Klaxon is a big man with a big ego.  He was probably the school bully.  He still is a bully.  His career has been about him insisting he is always right and everyone who disagrees with him being wrong.  If you got into a discussion with him where there was disagreement, I imagine he would claim victory by saying, ‘I’m uhbigger than uhyou.  I’m uhlouder than uhyou.  I’m uhright.  You’re uhwrong.  End of.’

He will, of course, be courted by lots of other TV companies who want to tap in to his massive fan base.  Am I a fan?  I will admit to having laughed at some of his gags.  It doesn’t make me a bad person.  I have even read some of his articles and, while I don’t agree with much that he spouts…Correction.  I don’t agree with anything that he spouts… I have smiled here and there.  However, I do not like Klaxon, the man.  To me he is an egoistic, self-absorbed, boor. 

If I may quote Douglas Adams here…Loathe him or ignore him; you can’t like him.




Righty ho, any birthdays to mention?  Which famous individuals entered this world on the 28th of March?  Maxim Gorky 1868 (Odd-looking machine gun), Dirk Bogarde 1924 (Rhyming slang), Michael Parkinson 1935 (Get your free Parker pen!), Neil Kinnock 1942 (Lovely, lovely, lovely), Richard Eyre 1943 (Resort on west coast of Scotland), Matthew Corbett 1948 (Izzy wizzy, let’s get busy), Chris Barrie 1960 (Smoke me a kipper!), Nasser Hussain 1968 (Crickety bloke), Nick Frost 1972 (Cornetto salesman) and Lady Gaga 1986 (Bonkers in the nut person).

Who out of that motley bunch could possibly provide us with a toon worth gramblerising?  No contest…

Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my grambler face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my grambler face
(She's got to love nobody)

G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(She's got to love nobody)

G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)

G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)

There we have the delightful Grambler Face by Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.  Under her alias of Lady Gaga (and sometimes as Jo Calderone) she is a talented singer and musician whose best attribute, to cynical old me, is that she knows how to manipulate publicity.  Dresses made of meat, indeed!




So how did The Grambler fare last week?  Did we win?  Yes.  Yay!  Sort of.  Oh.  Only three out of five of The Grambler’s predictions came good.  From these, we got a return of  £1.57 from our stake of £2.20.  So, really a loss of 63 pees.  What happened?  Read on…

Norwich vs Nottingham Forest – Prediction Home win

Result – Norwich 3 Nottingham Forest 1


The hosts were ahead on the stroke of half time when Wes Hoolahan found Jonny Howson (Oh, there you are), who fired past Karl Darlow.

Cameron Jerome doubled the Canaries' lead on 56 minutes when he found space to backheel Martin Olsson's delivery into the net.

Three minutes later, Hoolahan made it 3-0 from the spot after Olsson was felled by sub Chris Burke, who on 76 minutes scored a consolation goal for Forest.

MK Dons vs Notts County – Prediction Home win

Result – MK Dons 4 Notts County 1


Carl Baker opened the scoring when he skipped past defenders to smash in from close range before Lewis Baker lobbed goalkeeper Roy Carroll for 2-0.

Elliott Whitehouse poked in to halve the visitors' deficit but Will Grigg scored two to end hopes of a comeback.

First he turned in Dean Bowditch's cross for 3-1 before scoring from close range to seal the win.


Carlisle vs Morecambe – Prediction Away win

Result Carlisle 1 Morecambe 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Padraig Amond scored a late penalty as Morecambe held Carlisle United to a draw.

The hosts took the lead through Brad Potts' 25-yard drive.

Morecambe equalised when Paul Mullin was fouled in the box and Amond sent goalkeeper Dan Hanford the wrong way from the spot.

Jack Redshaw then hit the woodwork as the visitors came closest to a winner.


Falkirk vs Hearts – Prediction Away win

Result – Falkirk 0 Hearts 3


Osman Sow set up Jamie Walker for the opening goal, with the midfielder lashing home a shot from 10 yards.

Genero Zeefuik added the second after the interval with a powerful strike and substitute James Keatings found the top corner late on.


Livingston vs Dumbarton – Prediction Home win

Result – Livingston 1 Dumbarton 2


The hosts took the lead when Craig Sives got on the end of Keaghan Jacobs' free-kick to nod the ball into the corner of Danny Rogers' net.

The visitors levelled with 10 minutes left to play through Scott Agnew's free-kick.

And the Sons sealed all three points when Gary Fleming slammed the ball into the top corner.

What about this week?  Well, thanks to some European Qualifiers there are only 34 games taking place in the English and Scottish senior leagues this Saturday, the 28th of March at 3pm.  Which five have been randomly selected by The Grambler?

Game – Result – Odds

Crawley vs Gillingham – Prediction Away win – 8/5

Tranmere vs Wimbledon – Prediction Home win – 6/4

Dumbarton vs Falkirk – Prediction Away win – 8/11

Berwick vs Queen’s Park – Prediction Home win – 6/5

East Stirling vs Arbroath – Prediction Away win – Evens

The Grambler has chosen and the bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator).  How much will be winging its way to the Bobby Moore Fund via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund?


That is a worryingly large amount.  Perhaps those random selections are just a bit too random.  Of course, it would be wonderful if the predictions all came good but, come on, £19.55?  I don’t think so, do you?




And now, it’s teaser time.  Last week I asked who is the only player to come on in an international game as a substitute for his own father.  On 24 April 1996, Eider Gudjohnsen and his father Arnór entered football history when playing in an international friendly for Iceland against Estonia in Tallinn. Arnór started the match, and young Eider came on in the second half as a substitute for his dad.

Both father and son later expressed bitterness at the fact that they were not allowed to play together in the match. The president of the Icelandic FA, Eggert Magnússon gave the coach, Logi Ólafsson, orders to not play them together because he wanted it to happen on home turf, when Iceland played Macedonia two months later in the first qualification round for the 1998 FIFA World Cup.

As it happened they never got another chance because a month after the game in Estonia the younger Gudjohnsen broke his ankle, playing for the Icelandic U18 team against Ireland. He had difficulty coming back because of undiagnosed tendinitis in that ankle. When he had recovered and was again available for selection for the national team, his aging father had retired.

What about a teaser for this week?  Why are Swindon Town unique in the English and Scottish senior leagues and why is mackerel significant?




Before we do our ‘and finally’ bit, I will repeat what I stated at the end of last week’s and the week before’s blog.  Why?  Because it is important.  Very.  I ask all you readers of this wonderful blog that is to tell everyone you know to start reading it.  Maybe they won’t appreciate the drivel that I write but, hopefully, they will learn something about the horrible disease of bowel cancer.  We are told so often that 95% of cases are in people aged over 50.  This is true, but the other 5% can be any age.  Let people know this.  Let them know that any bowel problems should be investigated immediately, no matter how young they are.  Don’t be fobbed off with the line ‘You’re too young to get bowel cancer’.  You’re never too young.

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr J Klaxon for the following examples of…erm…humour.

“Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!”

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel.  But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine.  Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants.  I do, and it helps."

"You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."



Happy grambling.

No comments:

Post a Comment