Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed
by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in
vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn
from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
He began writing The Grambler
when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a
lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish
was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to
oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the
most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
Big news of the week appears to be the sacking of a chap called
Klaxon. He is, or was, the presenter of
a TV programme connected tenuously with motoring, but blotted his copybook, so
to speak, when he attacked the producer of the said programme – the title of
which has nothing at all to do with drugs – both physically and verbally. Not on.
Whoever you are.
But Klaxon has many fans out there who will be saddened by his
dismissal. There are also many who will
be gladdened by it. He is the sort of
presenter who polarises opinion; a Marmite presenter. Is this sacking his downfall? Or is he simply going to bounce back as he
has before…
Back in the 1970s the Beeb Beeb Ceeb began a car programme whose title had
nothing to with drugs. It was a dull but
well-meaning magazine type of programme which addressed all things motoring –
road tests, car safety, safe driving, etc.
It puddled along for a few years fronted by various presenters among
them William Dullard and Noel Tidybeard.
Then, in the 80s a new young presenter appeared. He wore jeans and had a head that resembled a
stick of broccoli. This was Klaxon. He was from an incredibly priviliged
background – ‘I learned to drive in a Bentley.’ – and was a bit full of himself
– ‘I’m good in a room.’ He injected what
he perceived as humour into the programme – ‘If this car could sing…Id’d be Joe
Cockerrr!’ He also had the annoying
presenting technique of beginning words with an ‘uh’ sound to emphasise them –
‘My uhname is Jeremiah uhKlaxon.’
The ratings for the programme whose title had nothing to with drugs began
to get bigger as did Klaxon’s, already massive, ego. He wanted more say and was told where to go,
the producers pointing out that nobody was bigger than the programme.
The next series failed miserably and was laid to rest by the Beeb. Klaxon, now convinced he was indeed bigger
than the programme and now feeling that sense of entitlement normally reserved
for royalty or dictators, pitched his new format for the programme to the Beeb
Beeb Ceeb…
‘Id is uhLast of the Summer Wine uhwith cars.’
‘Sorry?’
‘Uhthree men uhbehaving like overgrown uhchildren and getting up to all
sorts of uhcar related uhcomedy.’
‘It’s not meant to be a comedy.’
‘Don’t uhworry. The comedy will be
so bad… id’ll be good.’
‘Who are the other two people involved?’
‘I uhdon’t uhknow. But they uhmust
uhbe uhdull as ditchwater.’
‘Why?’
‘Uhthen they can feed me lines so that, even uhwith my uhlaboured delivery,
my replies will uhseem like uhrazor sharp uhwit.’
‘This is preposterous. You want to
turn our programme – whose name has nothing to do with drugs – into the Jeremiah
Klaxon Show!’
‘Uhprecisely.’
‘Never! You can’t turn our motoring
programme into a… a… farce! Why, it’s
the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever come across…with the exception of Deal or No
Deal, of course.’
‘Uhgentlemen, id’ll earn you, and uhme, uhmillions.’
‘Wonderful idea. I’ll draw up a
contract straight away.’
That is probably not so far removed from the truth. Klaxon is a big man with a big ego. He was probably the school bully. He still is a bully. His career has been about him insisting he is
always right and everyone who disagrees with him being wrong. If you got into a discussion with him where
there was disagreement, I imagine he would claim victory by saying, ‘I’m uhbigger
than uhyou. I’m uhlouder than uhyou. I’m uhright.
You’re uhwrong. End of.’
He will, of course, be courted by lots of other TV companies who want to
tap in to his massive fan base. Am I a
fan? I will admit to having laughed at
some of his gags. It doesn’t make me a
bad person. I have even read some of his
articles and, while I don’t agree with much that he spouts…Correction. I don’t agree with anything that he spouts… I
have smiled here and there. However, I
do not like Klaxon, the man. To me he is
an egoistic, self-absorbed, boor.
If I may quote Douglas Adams here…Loathe him or ignore him; you can’t like
him.
…..oooOooo…..
Righty ho, any birthdays to mention? Which famous individuals entered this world
on the 28th of March? Maxim
Gorky 1868 (Odd-looking machine gun), Dirk Bogarde 1924 (Rhyming slang),
Michael Parkinson 1935 (Get your free Parker pen!), Neil Kinnock 1942 (Lovely,
lovely, lovely), Richard Eyre 1943 (Resort on west coast of Scotland
Who out of that motley bunch could possibly provide us
with a toon worth gramblerising? No
contest…
Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my grambler face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my grambler face
(She's got to love nobody)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(She's got to love nobody)
No he can't read my grambler face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my grambler face
(She's got to love nobody)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(She's got to love nobody)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)
(Mum mum mum mah)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)
G-g-g-grambler face, g-g-grambler face
(Mum mum mum mah)
There we have the delightful Grambler Face by Stefani
Joanne Angelina Germanotta. Under her
alias of Lady Gaga (and sometimes as Jo Calderone) she is a talented singer and
musician whose best attribute, to cynical old me, is that she knows how to
manipulate publicity. Dresses made of
meat, indeed!
.....oooOooo…..
So how did The Grambler fare last week? Did we win? Yes.
Yay! Sort of. Oh.
Only three out of five of The Grambler’s predictions came good. From these, we got a return of £1.57 from our stake of £2.20. So, really a loss of 63 pees. What happened? Read on…
Result – Norwich Nottingham
Forest
Yay!
The hosts were ahead on the stroke of half time when
Wes Hoolahan found Jonny Howson (Oh, there you are), who fired past Karl
Darlow.
Cameron Jerome doubled the Canaries' lead on 56
minutes when he found space to backheel Martin Olsson's delivery into the net.
Three minutes later, Hoolahan made it 3-0 from the
spot after Olsson was felled by sub Chris Burke, who on 76 minutes scored a
consolation goal for Forest .
MK Dons vs Notts
County
Result – MK Dons 4
Notts County 1
Yay!
Carl Baker opened the scoring when he skipped past
defenders to smash in from close range before Lewis Baker lobbed goalkeeper Roy
Carroll for 2-0.
Elliott Whitehouse poked in to halve the visitors'
deficit but Will Grigg scored two to end hopes of a comeback.
First he turned in Dean Bowditch's cross for 3-1
before scoring from close range to seal the win.
Result Carlisle
1 Morecambe 1
Ooh! ‘It the bar!
Padraig Amond
scored a late penalty as Morecambe held Carlisle United to a draw.
The hosts took the lead through Brad Potts' 25-yard
drive.
Morecambe equalised when Paul Mullin was fouled in the
box and Amond sent goalkeeper Dan Hanford the wrong way from the spot.
Jack Redshaw then hit the woodwork as the visitors
came closest to a winner.
Result – Falkirk
0 Hearts 3
Yay!
Osman Sow set up Jamie Walker for the opening goal,
with the midfielder lashing home a shot from 10 yards.
Genero Zeefuik added the second after the interval
with a powerful strike and substitute James Keatings found the top corner late
on.
Result – Livingston
1 Dumbarton 2
Boo!
The hosts took the lead when Craig Sives got on the
end of Keaghan Jacobs' free-kick to nod the ball into the corner of Danny
Rogers' net.
The visitors levelled with 10 minutes left to play
through Scott Agnew's free-kick.
And the Sons sealed all three points when Gary Fleming
slammed the ball into the top corner.
What about this week?
Well, thanks to some European Qualifiers there are only 34 games taking
place in the English and Scottish senior leagues this Saturday, the 28th
of March at 3pm . Which five have been
randomly selected by The Grambler?
Game – Result – Odds
Tranmere vs Wimbledon
– Prediction Home win – 6/4
Dumbarton vs Falkirk
– Prediction Away win – 8/11
Berwick vs Queen’s Park
– Prediction Home win – 6/5
East Stirling vs
Arbroath – Prediction Away win – Evens
The Grambler has chosen and the bets have been placed
(10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator). How much will be winging its way to the Bobby
Moore Fund via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund?
£19.55
That is a worryingly large amount. Perhaps those random selections are just a
bit too random. Of course, it would be
wonderful if the predictions all came good but, come on, £19.55? I don’t think so, do you?
…..oooOooo…..
And now, it’s teaser time. Last week I asked who is the only player to come on in an international game as a substitute for his own father. On 24 April 1996, Eider Gudjohnsen and his father Arnór entered football history when playing in an international friendly for Iceland against Estonia in Tallinn. Arnór started the match, and young Eider came on in the second half as a substitute for his dad.
Both father and son later expressed bitterness at the fact that they were not allowed to play together in the match. The president of the Icelandic FA, Eggert Magnússon gave the coach, Logi Ólafsson, orders to not play them together because he wanted it to happen on home turf, when Iceland played Macedonia two months later in the first qualification round for the 1998 FIFA World Cup.
As it happened they never got another chance because a month after the game in Estonia the younger Gudjohnsen broke his ankle, playing for the Icelandic U18 team against Ireland. He had difficulty coming back because of undiagnosed tendinitis in that ankle. When he had recovered and was again available for selection for the national team, his aging father had retired.
What about a teaser for this week? Why are Swindon Town unique in the English and Scottish senior leagues and why is mackerel significant?
…..oooOooo…..
Before we do our
‘and finally’ bit, I will repeat what I stated at the end of last week’s and
the week before’s blog. Why? Because it is important. Very. I
ask all you readers of this wonderful blog that is thegrambler.com to tell
everyone you know to start reading it.
Maybe they won’t appreciate the drivel that I write but, hopefully, they
will learn something about the horrible disease of bowel cancer. We are told so often that 95% of cases are in
people aged over 50. This is true, but
the other 5% can be any age. Let people
know this. Let them know that any bowel
problems should be investigated immediately, no matter how young they are. Don’t be fobbed off with the line ‘You’re too
young to get bowel cancer’. You’re never
too young. http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
And finally,
Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted
to a Mr J Klaxon for the following examples of…erm…humour.
“Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest
Ferrari of them all!”
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."
"You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"
On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."
"You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"
On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
Erm…Yes.
Happy grambling.
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