Friday, 15 May 2015

Week 41 - Ways of speaking that annoy The Grambler


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

He began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

‘Do know what really bugs me?  It’s when you are talking to someone and they finish your…’

‘Sentence.  I know.  That annoys me as well.  It really gets on my…’

‘Wick.  They seem to think that they know what you are going to…’

‘Say.  Of course, they don’t always get it…’

‘Right.  You’re right…’

‘There.’

‘…off course sometimes.’

Have you ever met someone who does that?  Can’t wait for you to finish what you are saying, so they finish it for you?  Annoying, isn’t it?

This week’s topic is those little idiosyncrasies (That’s a good word; I must look it up.)  that some people have with their way of speaking and responding that make you want to smack them in the face.

One that gets me annoyed is when I have said something to somebody and their response is, ‘I hear what you’re saying.’  It is more likely that they have heard, but aren’t really interested in, what you are saying because they immediately follow those words with something like, ‘…but I don’t agree’ or, ‘…but you’re talking through your a***.’

How often have you met the next one that annoys me?  The one that always tries to outdo what has just been said.  You know the type; you have just stated what you consider to be an interesting story and their immediate response is, ‘That’s nothing.’  Excuse me, but that was not ‘nothing’!  That was something which I thought you might have been interested to hear without feeling the need to belittle it in some way!

It is nothing more than a putdown.  Other similar ways of doing it are, ‘No, I can’t believe that.’  That one really irks me.  If I have just said something that I know to be correct, it is a little aggravating to have it dismissed as untrue.  ‘Some people I know finish my…’  ‘Sentences.  No, I can’t believe that.’

Another type that winds me up is the speaker who cannot utter a sentence without the addition of unnecessary words at the end.  Know what I mean?  Just like that.  ‘By the way’ and ‘an’ that’ also fit into that category.  It doesn’t make you sound clever, by the way.  Quite the opposite, an’ that.  Know what I mean?

One that makes me smile rather than angers me is when somebody is telling a tale of something that has happened to them and they finish on the words, ‘I was like that.’  They then proceed to contort their face in such a way that it conveys some sort of reaction  - incredulity (I’m full of good words today; remind me to look that one up.), surprise, wonder, doubt, etc.  What this gurning generally conveys is vacancy.  Anyone passing by at such a moment would probably think, ‘Poor soul.’

There is one way of talking that has annoyed me a lot over the past few weeks, because we have just had a general election and a lot of politicians do it.  What, I hear you ask.  I despair when I hear educated people (Yes, I am including politicians in that category) on television, who can’t speak a few words without inserting the words ‘like,’ ‘sort of,’ ‘I mean’ or ‘you know’.  It’s really, like, annoying.  It tends to be, like, rurlly posh folk that do it most.  Even Princes Bill and Harry, like, you know, do it.  I recall Tony Bear (the famous war criminal) always did it.  He couldn’t, you know, speak more than a few words without, I mean, you know, inserting unnecessary ones.  Maybe it just gave him a few extra milliseconds to, like, you know, make something up rather than dare to admit he didn’t know the answer to something.  You’ll have gathered by now that he is not my favourite war-mongering, multi-millionaire.  Not that I have a favourite, you know, war-mongering, multi-millionaire.

However, my most hated way of talking, or rather, way of reacting to someone talking, is just a single word.  That word is ‘whatever.’  It is a most disdainful way of responding to somebody speaking to you.  If it was part of a sentence it would be fine – ‘Whatever you want is okay by me.’  I would have no problem with that.  However, it is not said in that way.  This single word can convey arrogance and contempt; snobbishness and dislike.  It is a word which says, ‘I couldn’t care less.’  Do you know who uses it a lot?  Jeremy Klaxon.  Enough said.

Time to, like, move on, by the way.  Yeah, whatever.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Any birthdays of note this week?  Yes indeedy.  Henry Fonda 1905 (Inventor of dipping food), Woody Herman 1913 (Medical condition as in - ‘He’s got a woody herman.’ ‘He hasn’t.’ ‘He has.’ ‘Ooh, nasty.’)  Bernard Braden 1916 (The man who gave Esther her big break), Wilf Mannion 1918 (Footy bloke), Wladziu Valentino Liberace 1919 (Ivory tickler. Yes,we’ve heard.), Roy Hudd 1936 (Peeping Tom), Billy Cobham 1944 (Land speed record holder [Some mistake, surely. – Ed.]), Nicky Chinn 1945 (Half of Chinnichap), Robert Fripp 1946 (Mr Toyah Wilcox), Jonathan Richman 1951 (Modern lover), Pierce Brosnan 1953 (Medical procedure as in – ‘I’ll need to pierce your brosnan.’ ‘Ooh, nasty.’), Debra Winger 1955 (Position in charity shop football team), Hazel O’Connor 1955 (Ex-host of Countdown), Olga Korbut 1955 (Sooty’s handler), Glenn Gregory 1958 (No rain nor rivers flow [Ooh, cryptic. – Ed.]), Janet Jackson 1966 (Member of the Jackson Ten) and Gabriela Sabatini 1970 (Tennisy bloke/woman).

Well there must be someone in amongst that lot who could provide us with a toon to gramblerise.  Who will it be?  Robert Fripp?  Jonathan Richman?  Hazel O’Connor?  Glenn Gregory?  Janet Jackson?  Nope…

Well that's right
That's right
That's right
That's right

I really love your grambler light

And that's neat
That's neat
That's neat
That's neat

I really love your grambler feet

I really love your grambler feet

Your grambler feet
Your grambler feet
Your grambler feet

That was the incredibly catchy Tiger Feet by Mud.  Co-written by Nicky Chinn aand Mike Chapman.  In the seventies they had the Midas touch when it came to composing catchy tunes.  At the time, their work was dismissed as throwaway nonsense and was never considered as serious songwriting.  Lightweight rubbish or not, how many of these do you remember?

Co-co, Little Willy, Wig-Wam Bam, Blockbuster, Ballroom Blitz, Hellraiser, Teenage Rampage – All hits for Sweet

Can the Can, 48 Crash, Devil Gate Drive – Hits for Suzi Quatro

Dyna-Mite, Tiger Feet, The Cat Crept In, Rocket, Lonely This Christmas – Hits for Mud

Living Next Door to Alice for Smokie

Lay Your Love On Me, Some Girls – Hits for Racey

Hey Mickey for Toni Basil (although originally titled ‘Hey Kitty’ and intended for Racey)

That was but a small sample.  In all Chinn and Chapman wrote (and often produced) over fifty top ten singles.  Not bad going.  I wonder if they care that their work was never deemed ‘serious’.  I suspect not.

                  

…..oooOooo…..

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters, shall we?  How did we get on last week?  We lost.  Big time.  Not one penny back.  How did The Grambler fail so miserably?  Read on…

Hull vs Burnley - Prediction Home win

Result – Hull 0 Burnley 1

Boo!

Hull came closest to a breakthrough in the first half when Brady slammed one of two free-kicks against the crossbar.

Burnley, who are the Premier League's lowest scorers, had only a saved Ashley Barnes header to point to for their efforts.

The game swung in the visitors' favour after the break and they were indebted to a slice of good fortune.

Hull defender Michael Dawson was off the pitch receiving treatment for a bloody nose when Ben Mee (shape me, any way you want to) crossed into the box. Hull's Ahmed Elmohamady (contender for cracking name of the week) headed clear but the ball struck Robbie Brady and Danny Ings smashed in from 10 yards.



Jelavic clearly hasn’t understood the rules of the Hokey Cokey and puts his right leg in instead of his left.

 

Newcastle vs West Brom – Prediction Home win

Result – Newcastle 1 West Brom 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Ayoze Perez scored Newcastle's equalising goal in the 41st minute after Victor Anichebe had headed West Brom in front just past the half hour.

The home side pushed hard for a winner in the second half but lacked any real cutting edge as Tony Pulis' men held on and almost snatched a winner themselves through Chris Brunt's late effort.

 


Perez auditions for Stars In Their Eyes as Al Jolson

 

Hamilton vs Partick Thistle – Prediction Away win

Result – Hamilton 1 Thistle 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar! Again.

Greg Docherty's first goal for Hamilton ensured Accies took a point against Partick Thistle in the battle for seventh place in the Premiership.  The 18-year-old substitute headed in Ali Crawford's deep corner.  Stephen O'Donnell had earlier given Thistle the lead by turning in Kallum Higginbotham's cut-back.

 

Ross County vs St Mirren – Prediction Home win

Result – Ross County 1 St Mirren 2

Boo!

County went ahead when Liam Boyce was tripped in the box and Martin Woods scored from the penalty spot.

Stephen Mallan fired Saints level with a deflected shot from distance.

And Mark Brown was sent off for fouling Lewis Morgan before Steven Thompson scored low into the corner.

 

St Johnstone vs Dundee Utd – Prediction Home win

Result – St Johnstone 1 Dundee Utd 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar! Yet again.

John Rankin headed the visitors ahead midway through the second half after Robbie Muirhead's effort had struck the bar.

However, Murray Davidson pulled Saints level to earn his side a point.

 

There you have it.  Not one correct prediction.  Rubbish, or what?  And don’t try to claim you nearly got three right, Grambler.  You didn’t.  End of (That’s another conversation ender that I hate.).  Last week, I suggested that we would be grambling the gee gees this week (They can’t touch you for it) and, after that showing, perhaps we should, but there is a very limited card of senior games taking place this Saturday, the 16th of May at 3pm.  How many?  Ten.  One more than last week.  Which five has The Grambler randomly selected for us?

 

Game – Result – Odds

Burnley vs Stoke – Prediction Home win – 13/8

QPR vs Newcastle – Prediction Away win – 13/10

Tottenham vs Hull – Prediction Home win – 3/4

Inverness vs Dundee Utd – Prediction Home win – 10/11

Partick Thistle vs Kilmarnock – Prediction Home win – 4/5

 

Hmm.  An odd set of predictions there.  Hull and Kilmarnock are both fighting to avoid relegation; it is brave (or foolhardy) of The Grambler to predict that they will both lose.  But, that is what grambling is all about – random gambling.  And after last week’s debacle (Another word to look up.  Three in a week!) nothing would surprise me.

So, the bets are placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler has got those predictions spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit by…

£15.83

1583… I wonder if anything exciting happened in 1583.  Yes it did.  Dyrehavsbakken opened near Klampenborg in Denmark.  Yes… and?  The Bakken, as it is known, is the world’s oldest operating amusement park.  1583!  432 years ago!  That’s even older than Blackpool’s Pleasure Beach.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And now ladeez and gennulum, it’s teaser time!  Yay!  Last week I asked you which player has scored the most hat-tricks in the English Premiershit since its inception.  The answer was that well known Geordie, Alan Shearer with 11 scored between 1993 and 1999. 

I think we shall stick to the same topic for this week’s teaser.  Luis ‘Nosher’ Suarez was the first man to score three hat tricks against the same team.  But what was the unfortunate team?  Another question to test them down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

For the last few weeks I have finished with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  I’m going to do it yet again, If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I was hoping to be indebted to a Mr R. Hudd for his rendition of Peeping Tom.  But I’m not.  Can’t find it anywhere.  Never mind.  A bit of pochling required.  Ahem… Roy Hudd recorded his song Peeping Tom in the style of Allan Smethurst who was known as The Singing Postman.  With me so far?  Well, since we can’t give you a link to the parody, here is a link to the original.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Mr Allan Smethurst 

 

Happy grambling.

 

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