Saturday, 30 May 2015

Week 43 - The Grambler on clickbait


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

He began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

I know I have had a moan about social media before, but some of the things on there just make me shake my head in despair.  Here is the message somebody recently put on Farcebook…

‘Did I leave my glasses in your house?’  Actually, it read more like ‘Did i leef my glass’s in yr house?’; few people take an interest in spelling or grammar when using Farcebook.  Why does somebody put what should be a private message on such a public notice board?  Do people not realise that it is possible to send messages directly/only to the person they are meant to go to?  Or, better still, why not telephone them and ask?  The even sadder thing is that somebody ticked the ‘like’ box.  What?  Somebody likes the fact that someone can’t find their glasses?  Jeez! 

If you go to http://www.thegrambler.com/2014/06/week-43-hi-ho-silver-grambler.html you can read my thoughts on social media.  I noted there that people often put too much information into Farcebook messages that can be read by anyone.  You get ‘conversations’ on there that contain a little too much information…

‘That’s us at the airport for our 14 day holiday of a lifetime.’

‘Lucky you.  Bring us back a stick of rock. Lol’

‘Ha ha.  Mind and feed the goldfish while we’re away.’

‘OK.  What was your house number again?’

’42 Acacia Avenue.  The one with the red door.  I’ve left the key under the flower tub at the door.’

‘Thanks.  What’s the code for the burgler alarm?’

‘Don’t worry it’s only a dummy box. Lol’

Aye we’ll see if you’re still lolling when you get back to an empty house in a fortnight’s time.  Empty, that is, apart from a bowl with a goldfish.  Who would want to nick that?

Okay, so nobody is daft enough to put all that information onto Farcebook, but the first bit telling the world and his pet dog about going off on holiday is often done.  Are you mad?

Something else on Farcebook is annoying me.  Clickbait.  Sorry pardon excuse me?  Clickbait.  A word to describe a message which basically invites you to click on a link to find out what happens next…

‘This little rabbit looks so cute until it meets next door’s cat… You won’t believe what happens next.’

‘This woman lost weight by eating her favourite food… Find out how.’

‘Click here for the ten funniest pictures of Boris Johnson…’

…that sort of thing.

I have to admit that I have on occasion been drawn in (especially that last one) only to emit a Homer-like ‘D’oh!’ when I realise I have been duped.  You see, these are clickbait.  You click in the hope that you will see something surprising or amusing, however the only surprising part is that, although you get directed to some page with a picture of Boris Johnson looking a bit of a pillock, there are also several advertisements. When you click ‘next’, hoping to see the next picture of Boris looking ridiculous, you get logged on to another page totally unrelated to the first which links you to an advert for anything ranging from pet insurance to holidays.  You have been hooked… will you click on one of these ads?  No…must… resist.  Yes?  Ah ha!  Time to be reel you in.  Job done.

Where is the next picture of Boris looking tw*ttier than usual?  Nowhere to be seen.  Sucker, is an appropriate word to use on this occasion.

Never mind, here’s a picture of Boris looking suitably tw*tty.

 


 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Are there any birthdays to celebrate this week?  Of course there are.  Which famous folk  were born on the 30th of May?  Mel Blanc 1908 (Thufferin Thuccotash), Benny Goodman 1909 (King of the swingers), Hugh Griffith 1912 (Welsh ectaw dear boyo), Clint Walker 1927 (aka Shy Ann), Michael J Pollard 1939 (‘Wooden’ ectaw.  Geddit?), Norman Eshley 1945 (Ectaw dear laddie who used to be on telly constantly.), Bob Willis 1949 (Crickety bloke with red socks), Colm Meaney 1953 (Ectaw dear laddie), Topper Headon 1955 (drummy bloke), Stephen ‘Tintin’ Duffy 1960 (Man who left Duran Duran before they became famous.  Tw*t), Harry Enfield 1961 (I am smoking a fag!), Leigh Francis 1973 (If I don’t see you through t’week I’ll see you through t’keyhole) and Saint Stephen Gerrard 1980 (Scouse footie bloke).

Not really anyone in there to give us a song to gramblerise.  However, Michael Peter Hayes died on 30th of May 2003.  Who?  He was more famous under his pseudonym, Mickey Most.  Who?  Mickey Most… You know him.  You do.  Famous record producer.  No?  Never heard of him?  He produced records by… deep breath… The Animals, Arrows, Herman’s Hermits, Donovan, Suzi Quatro and Jeff Beck.  He also formed RAK Records, the label which gave us Mud, Kenny, Hot Chocolate, Racey and Kim Wilde.  So, Mr Most/Hayes is responsible for a huge chunk of ‘classic’ sixties and seventies’ pop.  Mmm.  Thanks for that.

I am sure there are some songs from that little lot that we could gramblerise.  How about this from Donovan…


First there is a grambler, then there is no grambler, then there is.
First there is a grambler, then there is no grambler, then there is.
First there is a grambler, then there is no grambler, then there is.
First there is a grambler, then there is no grambler, then there is.
First there is a grambler


Wise words there, mate.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Time to move onto grambling matters, I think.  How did our bets fare last week?  We won… and lost.  £1.55 return from a £2.20 stake.  Oh well.  What happened?  Read on…

Arsenal vs West Brom – Prediction Home win

Result – Arsenal 4 West Brom 1

Yay!

Theo Walcott, making his first club start for more than two months, fired an early shot into the top corner, before poking in a second from close range.

Jack Wilshere thumped in a third from 20 yards, and Walcott tapped in a fourth before half-time.

Gareth McAuley headed a second-half goal for Albion.

 

Aston Villa vs Burnley – Prediction Home win

Result – Aston Villa 0 Burnley 1

Boo!

An early goal from Danny Ings was enough to give relegated Burnley victory over Aston Villa on the final day of the Premier League season.

The striker, set to leave Turf Moor this summer, nodded in Ashley Barnes' header across goal after six minutes.

Burnley goalkeeper Tom Heaton preserved his side's lead with several fine saves, notably to deny Ashley Westwood and Charles N'Zogbia.

 

Hull vs Manchester Utd – Prediction Away win

Result – Hull 0 Manchester Utd 0

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Hull created chances, forcing Manchester United goalkeeper Victor Valdes to make excellent saves to deny Ahmed Elmohamady and Nikica Jelavic.

David Meyler wasted the hosts' clearest chance but they could not find a way through, even after Marouane Fellaini was sent off for a crude challenge on Paul McShane 13 minutes from time.

 

Leicester vs QPR – Prediction Home win

Result – Leicester 5 QPR 1

Yay!

Jamie Vardy grabbed his fifth goal of the season as the Foxes - bottom at the start of April - made it seven wins in nine games.

Marc Albrighton doubled the Foxes tally, before Leonardo Ulloa, Esteban Cambiasso and Andrej Kramaric added further goals after the break.

QPR's Charlie Austin headed in a consolation goal in the 87th minute.

 

Newcastle vs West Ham – Prediction Home win

Result – Newcastle 2 West Ham 0

Yay!

Newcastle almost got the perfect start inside two minutes when Emmanuel Riviere made space inside the area but flashed an effort across goal.

Riviere was also just off target with an acrobatic bicycle kick before West Ham settled down and started to play on the nerves of everyone inside the famous old stadium.

Tim Krul needed to be alert to block low down from Stewart Downing as the Hammers demonstrated that they were not on Tyneside simply to usher Newcastle to safety.

Newcastle picked up the pace once more at the start of the second half and after Riviere had missed another good chance, failing to connect with Daryl Janmaat's cross from six yards out, the breakthrough the whole of Tyneside craved arrived after 54 minutes.

Gutierrez provided an inviting cross to the far post where Sissoko rose highest to head low past keeper Adrian to spark an outpouring of joy and noise that could have been heard on the nearby Tyne Bridge.

After Vernon Anita wasted a perfect opportunity to at least afford the Newcastle fans some relaxation, Gutierrez stepped in to add the second.

 

Well that’s it for footie grambling for a few weeks.  Yep.  The season is at an end.  Well, almost.  There is still a match on Sunday to decide if Motherwell (Yay!) stays in the SPL or Rangers (Boo!*) get promotion into the division.

Any road up, for this week and a few more, we will be having a wee gramble on the gee gees.  So what has The Grambler randomly selected for us?


Meeting – Time – Horse – Odds

Chester – 1.50 – Beaverbrook – 4/6

Newmarket – 2.45 – Peacock – Evens

Haydock – 3.45 – Limato – Evens ?

Chepstow – 5.45 – Sahreej – 4/5

Stratford – 6.55 – Ennistown – 11/10


So, the bets are placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler has got those predictions spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit by…

Don’t know

What?  Don’t know?  Let me explain.  Do you see that question mark alongside the odds for Limato?  The reason I can’t give a total, is that those odds altered as I placed the bet and came up as ‘starting price’.  Thus, a total value for the odds wasn’t quoted.  Let’s just say that the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit by some money.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Okay everybody… It’s teaser time.  Yay!  Last week I asked you which Scottish club was the most successful (after Rangers and Celtic, that is).  The answer is Aberdeen who have amassed 19 trophies, including the European Cup, of course.

What about a teaser for this week?  Which club was the first to be relegated from the English top division?  There.  Simple question.  Try it out down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr D. Onovan who, if you recall, provided this week’s gramblerised toon, but here is a little ditty that was… erm … a little different to his usual offerings.  I do hope you enjoy The Intergalactic Laxative .

 

Happy grambling.

*I don't mean that as an affront to Rangers.  The word 'boo' would have been applied to any team spoiling Motherwell's chances of staying in the SPL.

 

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