Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
It’s ages since we started with a song. Let’s put that right. Who remembers Ray Stevens huge hit of 1970? Anyone? You at the back? No, not Bridget the Midget. Anyone else? No, not The Streak. It was that lovely song (it says here) Everything is Beautiful which was a worldwide number one back in that year. What a wonderful song to start us off. First the intro sung by a bunch of cute kids...
Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white
They are precious in his sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world
All the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white
They are precious in his sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world
Then it’s Ray’s turn...
Everything is beautiful,
In its own way...
Well, that’s an lot of blibbing rubbish, for a start off. Beautiful? Everything? I think he’s on something that Raised Eagles. Ooh they were all on funny stuff back in them days... Ell arse dee, cannibal’s raisins, purple tarts.
There are an few things I can think of that deferably aren’t beautiful. Elephants. Blibbing weird looking things they are with them big things dangling down... Trunks! Them. Arnd their tusks. How can that be considered beautiful? Baby elephants; they’re an bit cute, I suspose.
Babies! How ugly are they when they’re at home? They all look like Sir Winifred Churchman to me. Except in an narppy, of course. I have no idea if Sir Wilfred Burchill wore narppies or not. He might harve done. He might harve been an bit funny that way. He wore baby grows, so why not narppies? Arnd harve you ever looked at the contents of an narppy. I have. Not beautiful in the least, I can tell you that for nothing. Horrible brown stuff.
Slugs! They’re horrible and brown... erm... when they’re not black. Arnd they eat my carbages. Ooh, I hate slimy creepy crawly things, I do.
Piers Morgan! Etc. etc. ad infinitum...
Ah, welcome back our old friend Arthur. Talking of old friends...
There's something very odd happening. An awful lot of reasonably fit people seem to be using crutches these days. Am I the only one that has noticed it?
Readers who have stuck with the world's greatest ill-informed blog for a long time will perhaps recall a character called Dougie (the local inebriate). He was based on a real person. No, that's wrong; he is a real person. He has been dotting about polomint city for as long as I can remember. He is invariably drunk. No that's wrong again; he is always drunk.
Over the years his face has acquired more and more scars and his nose has had more breaks than Ronnie O'Sullivan. All have come as a result of falls thanks to him being out of his skull most of the time.
Of late, he has joined the crutch carrying brigade. I am not quite sure when the crutch comes into play, but I have yet to see it actually touch the ground. Indeed, I watched him one day as he staggered homeward with an equally sloshed friend. He was attempting to tell the friend about some experience and the crutch was being used as you would use your finger to emphasise certain points. Anyone trying to pass this drunken pair was likely to get smacked in the face by this whirling dervish.
It all begs the question why. Why do people want to be seen as disabled? I can only assume that it is worth a few quid extra in benefits payments which, in Dougie's case would no doubt afford him an extra bottle of buckie or two.
I looked up the word crutch and one of the synonyms is prop. Fair enough, until you remember that a prop is also a theatrical term to describe a fake item of equipment or scenery to help in acting something out.
Quite apt really.
Were any famous or notorious people born on the 25th of August? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. George Stubbs (Painter. Not sure if he did wall-papering as well.), Allan Pinkerton 1819 (The original detective and spy. He used to dress as a farmer as if he was looking after sheep... He was a shepherd spy. Oh, please yourselves.), Michael Rennie 1909 (Ectaw. Klaatu, that was him.), Erich Honecker 1912 (Politician. In charge of East Germany he was.), Van Johnson 1916 (Ectaw.), Mel Ferrer 1917 (Ectaw.), Leonard Bernstein 1918 (Composer. Time for our first clip of the week. What shall we have? West Side Story? On the Town? No, here is the man himself conducting along to the overture from my own favourite Bernstein composition, Candide.), Richard Greene 1918 (Ectaw. Probably best known for starring in... this.), George Wallace 1919 (Politician. Governor of Alabama for four terms.), Sean Connery 1930 (Shcottish actor and produsher.), Wayne Shorter 1933 (Saxophonist and composer. How about some jehhhzzz? What’s this I see? Footprints?), Tom Skerrett 1933 (Ectaw.), Frederick Forsyth 1938 (Orfer. Wrote the punchline to a favourite gag of mine... If you had a pet jackal, what would you call it? Dave.), Conrad Black 1944 (Newspaper seller.), Martin Amis 1949 (Orfer.), Chaim Witz aka Gene Simmons 1949 (A quarter of Kiss. He’ll see you tonight. There. Bet you didn’t expect that.), Willy DeVille 1950 (Mink DeVille main man. Let’s go for a Spanish stroll.), Rob Halford 1951 (Judas Priest vocalist and bike salesman. Here he is well past his bedtime.), Geoff Downes 1952 (Musician with Buggles, Yes and Asia. Time flies, doesn't it? 28 keyboards? Who needs 28 keyboards?), Declan McManus aka Elvis Costello 1954 (Musician. Here’s his biggest UK hit, Oliver's Army. He’s from Hounslow, you know; never lost the accent, then.), Jim Wallace 1954 (Politician.), John McGeogh 1955 (Guitarist. Worked with many bands. He was even a Banshee.), Gerd Muller 1955 (Footy bloke and yogurt salesman.), Matt Aitken 1956 (Songwriter and producer. With Messrs. Stock and Waterman had the UK music industry pretty much sewn up in the late 80s. How about a clip? Here was a number one they penned for Mel and Kim.), Henri Toivonen 1956 (Car racey bloke.), Tim Burton 1958 (Film maker.), Billy Ray Cyrus (Musician. Let’s have his biggest hit. All together now... You can tell the world, you never was my girl... That’s a clever trick he can do with his hair... pony tail/no pony tail/pony tail/no pony tail etc.), Joanne Whalley 1964 (Ectress. Famous for Where’s Whalley books.), Stuart Murdoch 1968 (A bit of Belle and Sebastian. Have a clip. Here’s their highest-placed UK hit. Stop that hopping! ), Marlon Harewood 1979 (Footy bloke.) and Amy Macdonald 1987 (Singer/songwriter. Have a clip. Here’s her biggest UK hit, Mr Rock & Roll.).
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Mr Rumpler,
It was interesting that you chose to give a link to Stock Aitken Waterman’s second number one rather than their first which we believe was three years earlier than Mel and Kim’s 1987 release. Did SAW not have a number one with a band called Dead or Alive? Sadly, neither of us can recall the title of it. Can you help?
Hugh Spinmey-Roundel, Ike O’Rekord.
Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet go? Er... not too well. We didn’t lose... not entirely. 62 pees back from a £2.20 stake isn’t exactly an unqualified success though. Hang on... did anyone else get a feeling of deja vu there? What happened? Read on...
Grimsby vs Lincoln City - Prediction Away win
Result - Grimsby 1 Lincoln 1
Ooh! ’It the bar!
After a blistering start by both sides, it was Grimsby who took the lead when Jordan Cook laid the ball off to Martyn Woolford on the edge of the penalty area, with the midfielder stroking the ball home to get the Blundell Park crowd on their feet.
Grimsby increased the pressure after the break with a sustained spell in the visitors' final third, with defender Danny Collins going close to doubling the Mariners' advantage but his header was cleared off the line.
However, Lincoln found themselves level when John Akinde went down under the challenge of Collins before picking himself up to bury his penalty into the bottom corner and claim a point for his side.
Bury vs Forest Green - Prediction Home win
Result - Bury 1 Forest Green 1
Ooh! ’It the bar!
Forest Green were in front after 29 minutes when striker Christian Doidge powered Carl Winchester's ball from the right into the top left-corner, after Bury failed to clear a set-piece.
Having gone a goal down, the Shakers looked for a route back into the contest, with Adam Thompson heading over before the break, while striker Dominic Telford was thwarted by Rovers goalkeeper Robert Sanchez after the restart.
Forest Green defender Gavin Gunning was dismissed by referee John Busby for bringing down Gold Omotayo when he was through on goal.
And Bury made the numerical advantage count as they levelled in the first minute of added time when Danny Mayor's shot was saved by Sanchez, only for Will Aimson to thump home the rebound.
Northampton vs Cambridge - Prediction Home win
Result - Northampton 2 Cambridge 2
A joke’s a joke, but three ’It the bars in one week?
The first half mostly belonged to Northampton as Matt Crooks and Andy Williams missed chances, but the first goal did not arrive until 13 minutes into the second half when Kevin Van Veen gathered Daniel Powell's pass and smashed the ball into the top corner.
Crooks headed a great chance over the crossbar and he was made to rue that miss 20 minutes from time when George Maris finished coolly into the bottom corner after pouncing on a poor defensive header.
But the home side were back ahead eight minutes later through Van Veen's second as he charged down a clearance and fired home via the underside of the crossbar.
Again Northampton could not hold on, though, and with just four minutes left, Gary Deegan brilliantly curled a shot into the far corner from 20 yards to earn a share of the spoils.
Oldham vs Macclesfield - Prediction Home win
Result - Oldham 3 Macclesfield 1
Yay! About time too.
Oldham wasted a clear-cut chance early on when Peter Clarke sent a free header over the crossbar from six yards.
But the breakthrough came in the 16th minute as Gevaro Nepomuceno (Definitely the winner of the ‘Cracking Name of the Week’ title.) found Sam Surridge, who cleverly created space inside the box and finished well from 12 yards.
At the other end, Harry Smith's long-range effort flew just off target for the Silkmen.
Oldham's second goal came in the 53rd minute and involved a stroke of good fortune as Johan Branger let fly from 25 yards, his shot taking a big deflection to leave goalkeeper Rhys Taylor wrong-footed.
Macclesfield responded on the hour mark, with Michael Rose curling a free-kick into the bottom corner from just outside the box.
Fiacre Kelleher almost levelled, but the hosts sealed it in stoppage time when Ishmael Miller chased down George Edmundson's long clearance and scored a fine individual goal.
Stevenage vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win
Result - Stevenage 1 Morecambe 0
Morecambe almost broke the deadlock early on through Kevin Ellison, who drew good saves from Paul Farman after he beat the offside trap twice in quick succession.
But on the stroke of half-time, Stevenage took the lead.
Emmanuel Sonupe's cross fell to Michael Timlin outside the box and the midfielder fired into the top corner.
The second half started in the same scrappy way as the first had finished, with Ellison firing high and wide for the visitors.
Morecambe struggled to break down a resolute Stevenage, with their best effort coming from a Liam Mandeville free-kick which fell just wide.
Kurtis Guthrie, Scott Cuthbert and James Ball all went close for the home side, but despite the missed chances Boro saw the game out to secure all three points.
Oh well, let’s try again, shall we? What has The Grambler randomly selected for us to lose... sorry, meant win... win money on this week?
Game - Result - Odds
Swansea vs Bristol City - Prediction Home win - 5/4
Luton vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win - 3/4
Carlisle vs Crewe - Prediction Home win - 10/11
Colchester vs Northampton - Prediction Home win - Evens
Lincoln vs Notts County - Prediction Home win - 10/11
The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...
Oh dear. Far too whopping.
Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which Premiershit team has Harry Kane scored the most goals against. The answer is Leicester City which Harry has clocked up 11 goals against so far.
One for this week? Here’s a good un. Which club has won the Football League title but has never played in the Premier League? Hmm...
As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. T. Burton who today becomes a sexagenarian. They can’t touch you for it. I wonder if he remembered to apply for his bus pass. Anyway, it is fair to say that film maker, Mr Burton is a little... how can I put this?... off the wall. He has made some of the darkest, weirdest films ever to grace the silver screen. Just look at his cv - Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Ed Wood, James and the Giant Peach, Mars Attacks, Sleepy Hollow, Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Alice in Wonderland, Dark Shadows, Frankenweenie, Alice Through the Looking Glass and Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Every one of them totally barking. And do you know what? I am so pleased that he continues to produce such bonkers films in amongst the usual Hollywood dross.
His next big film is a live-action remake of Dumbo. I can’t wait.
To finish? Have a link to an early short animation he made when he was in his early twenties. Ladeez and genullum, I give you... Vincent.
I tell you, I did not copy this look
from Siouxsie Sioux of Banshees fame.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com