Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Let’s start with a gag I heard on the radio...
What’s the difference between
The answer is
Boom and indeed tish.
Actually, that doesn’t work when it’s written down, because I couldn’t add the sound effects.
Woo hoo! I'm getting a rebate on my tv licence. Apparently, I've overpaid by £472.90. Crikey, that's three years' worth. Brilliant or what.
Even better, I'm getting a rebate on my gas bill. Terrific. I'm due to receive £472.90. What a coincidence! The same amount. What are the chances of that happening?
Quite high, you'll have realised by now, since this is obviously an attempted scam.
I received an email from the tv licensing authority to tell me about the rebate on my tv licence. I was immediately wary when I noticed that the word licence (UK spelling) was always spelt license (US spelling). The Beeb Beeb Ceeb doesn't do American spelling, don't-cha-know.
I then checked the link to a web page that I could go to if I had any questions. It didn't exist. It wasn't highlighted in blue so obviously it didn't exist. The only link highlighted was one that stated 'click here to claim'. Actually, that in itself didn't make sense because the email had already stated that I didn't have to do anything. And why would I when everything is paid by direct debit anyway? No doubt if I had been stupid enough to actually click on the link, I would have been asked for my bank details so that whoever was perpetrating (That's a good word. Wonder what it means.) the scam could put the money into my account. Oh aye. Sure.
The second email that came was supposed to be from British gas. The wording of the message was more or less identical. Again, it asked me to click here to claim. As before, I was reluctant to do so.
Honestly, these people must think I button up the back. They picked the wrong person if they think I'm going to fall for their little con.
Anyway, I'll have to go now; I've promised a Nigerian Prince that I will help him get his hands on his rightful fortune which he is going to share with me as soon as I email him my bank details...
Were any famous or notorious people born on the 6th of October? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Christopher Wren 1632 (Architect. Not a real wren.), Charles Ives 1874 (Composer. Have a clip. Here’s The Unanswered Question. I think the question is, why was that ever ‘written’.), Margaret Dumont 1882 (Ectress, famously played foil to Groucho Marx in seven Marx Brothers films.), Bela Lugosi 1882 (The original Count Dracula.), Jelly Roll Morton 1890 (Musician. Another clip vicar? Here’s Wolverine Blues.), Rex Ingram 1895 (Actor. Genie in The Thief of Baghdad, that was him. [Fancy calling a bloke Jeanie. - Ed.]), Frank Churchill 1901 (Composer. He wrote this. All together now... We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig...), Anna Neagle 1904 (Ectress, dwahhhling. Not really an eagle... I may have done that gag before), Edward Douglas-Scott-Montagu, 3rd Baron Montagu of Beaulieu 1926 (Founder of the National Motor Museum.), William Christopher 1932 (Actor. Father Mulcahy in M*A*S*H.), Iain Macmillan 1938 (Photographer. You may not know the man, but you’ll know his most famous work. See below.), Kathy Kirby 1940 (Chanter. Here she pleads with her lover to let her go. ), Sandra Dickinson 1948 (Actress. Tricia McMillan aka Trillion. One for Hitch-Hikers’ Guide to the Galaxy fans there.), Tom Petty 1950 (Musician. Have a clip. Here he is learning to fly.), Claudio Ranieri 1951 (King of Leicester.), Danny Boyle 1956 (Film director.), Mark King 1958 (Musician. Level 42 main man. Another Hitch-Hikers reference there. A clip? Here’s The Chinese Way. ), Viggo Mortensen 1958 (Actor, producer, author, musician, director, photographer, poet, and painter. In fact, a right old smarty boots.), Mark Little 1959 (Comedian and actor. Joe Mangel in Neighbours.), Ian Rush 1961 (Pêl-droediwr isn’t it.), Norman Blake 1965 (A bit of Teenage Fanclub. Another clip? Aye, go on then. Here is an early hit, Star Sign. I say hit, it reached number four in one of those specific US charts... You know the sort of thing 'Rock chart for bands with more than one E in their name'. That sort of thing. I'm surprised it didn't get as high as number two; it seems like number two material to me... I may have done that gag before.), Susan Tully 1968 (Ectress. Suzanne Ross. That was her. One for Grange Hill officianados there.), Calvin Broadus Jr. aka Snoop Dogg aka DJ Snoopadelic aka Niggarachi aka Snoop Doggy Dogg aka Snoop Lion aka Snoopzilla 1971 (Rapper. Want a clip? Tough. We have standards to keep up here in Grambler Towers.), Danii Minogue 1971 (Singer, dancer, songwriter, model, fashion designer, television presenter and actress. In fact, another right old smarty boots. What? A clip? Okeydokey. She's beginning to wonder.) and Paul Wilson 1978 (A bit of Snow Patrol. Have another clip. Here is the band’s first biggie, Run. Come back. It's the name of a song.).
A photie from Iain MacMillan of
some street in London... something
to do with a monastery. Or was it a
priory? Might have been a convent...
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Mr Banger,
It’s a long time since I heard Kathy Kirby. She was very popular back in the 1960s. I recall her biggest hit was a song from the old Doris Day musical, Calamity Jane. I’m not sure what it was called, though. Can you remember?
Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It actually made a profit. Woo hoo! £4.62 from our £2.20 stake money. What happened? Read on...
Barnsley vs Luton - Prediction Home win
Result - Barnsley 3 Luton Town 2
Brad Potts opened the scoring in the fifth minute, driving forward and firing a low 20-yard drive beyond James Shea.
Barnsley continued to apply pressure with Dimitri Cavare seeing his shot hit the side-netting after taking a deflection and George Moncur shooting straight at Shea.
Luton's James Collins thought he had equalised but an offside flag cut short his celebrations.
Cameron McGeehan increased the home side's lead, slotting the ball into the net after good work from Moncur, who laid the ball off to him.
Luton reduced the arrears in time added on at the end of the first half when Collins scored from the penalty spot after Ben Williams fouled Harry Cornick.
McGeehan went close when his header smacked against the bar before substitute Mamadou Thiam restored Barnsley's two-goal cushion, curling his shot inside Shea's left-hand post.
Collins scored his second of the afternoon after a cross from Kazenga LuaLua struck the woodwork - but Barnsley held on the claim all three points.
Accrington vs Bradford - Prediction Home win
Result - Accrington Stanley 3 Bradford City 1
Billy Kee scored a penalty after 39 minutes and in-form Offrande Zanzala (A contender for cracking name of the week.) fired home a superb solo effort after 54 minutes. Eoin Doyle netted for Bradford before Sean McConville finished off the scoring for the home side.
All together now... Everybody Stanley. Keep it in the family...
Oxford Utd vs Plymouth - Prediction Home win
Result - Oxford United 2 Plymouth Argyle 0
Jamie Mackie took advantage of an error from centre-half Ryan Edwards to fire home in the fourth minute.
Argyle came close to levelling when Graham Carey curled an effort wide from Rob Dickie's panicked clearance.
Just before the break, Dickie directed a diving header from Tony McMahon's free-kick straight into the goalkeeper's arms.
The quality of Marcus Browne often gave the home side an edge; the player nearly doubled the lead when shooting wide after his free-kick was charged down.
Curtis Nelson wrapped up the victory in the 74th minute with a close-range finish from Mackie's cutback.
Plymouth's miserable afternoon was complete when Yann Songo'o received a red card for a second bookable offence 10 minutes from time.
Carlisle vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win
Result - Carlisle United 0 Morecambe 2
Ajay Leitch-Smith fired an early warning as his attempt to beat Carlisle goalkeeper Adam Collin at the near post fizzed into the side netting.
However he was on target in the 14th minute. His initial shot was blocked by the legs of Collin, but he was able to pounce on the loose ball to steer it home from close range.
Morecambe doubled their lead in the 26th minute with a thumping header from Vadaine Oliver in the centre of goal following a right-wing corner.
Leitch-Smith and Aaron Wildig had further efforts saved.
Barry Roche twice came to the Shrimps' aid as Carlisle began the second half with raised urgency, beating away from Jack Sowerby before saving from Ashley Nadesan's effort.
Carlisle made a triple substitution and teenage winger Liam McCarron produced a couple of pacy runs without anyone being able to get on the end of his crosses leaving the Cumbrians scoreless.
Exeter vs Swindon - Prediction Home win
Result - Exeter City 2 Swindon Town 0
The hosts took the lead when a long ball forward by goalkeeper Christy Pym went straight through to Jonathan Forte and he flicked a shot beyond the stranded Luke McCormick and in via a post.
Swindon saw plenty of the ball in that first half but struggled to create much, although Marc Richards spurned a great chance to equalise when he headed wide from close range from a superb Matty Taylor cross.
With the wind in their favour, Exeter doubled their lead when Pierce Sweeney fizzed in a cross from the left and Jayden Stockley got there to head home.
Stockley had the ball in the net again when he converted another Sweeney cross with a powerful volley, but his delight was cut short when it was ruled to be offside.
Not bad Grambler. Can he/she/it give us a profit this week? Let’s have a look at this week’s predictions...
Game - Result - Odds
Livingston vs Dundee - Prediction Home win - 17/20
Morton vs Falkirk - Prediction Home win - 19/20
Ross County vs Ayr - Prediction Home win - 7/10
Arbroath vs Dumbarton - Prediction Home win - 4/6
Raith vs Stranraer - Prediction Home win - 4/6
Uh oh, all the bets are for Scottish games. You know what that means, don’t you. Expect sparse match reporting next week. Remember, according to the Beeb, Scottish football below the Championship level just doesn’t exist. Any road up, the bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...
Not very whopping, really.
Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which three Yorkshire teams featured in the inaugural season of the English Premiershit. The answer was Leeds United, Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday, all of which are now in the Championship.
One for this week? Some names for you to consider: Mike England, Stephen Ireland, Jason Scotland and Don Welsh. All internationalists, but who is the only one of the four to play for the country indicated by his surname? Easy peasy? Hmm...
As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Ms M. Dumont who is featured in this week’s birthday honours. I’m not really, it just gives me the opportunity (For opportunity, read feeble excuse.) to end this week’s edition with some Groucho Marx quotes, one or two of which may feature Margaret Dumont, although I’m not promising anything.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I sent the club a wire stating,
PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho: Do you follow me?
Margaret Dumont: Yes!
Groucho: Well, you better stop following me, or I'll have you arrested.
Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Margaret Dumont: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
And finally, a quote which is as true today as it ever was...
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com